Commit 6b984f5
Changed files (3)
aria2c.list
dl.py
@@ -0,0 +1,15 @@
+#!/usr/bin/env python3
+
+import sys
+import comics
+
+def main():
+ if len(sys.argv) > 1:
+ comic_date = sys.argv[1]
+ c = comics.calvin_and_hobbes.date(comic_date)
+ print(f"{c._comic_strip_url}\n\tout={comic_date}.gif")
+
+if __name__ == "__main__":
+ main()
+
+
quotes.tsv
@@ -0,0 +1,3697 @@
+id quote
+19851118 So long Pop! I'm off to check my tiger trap! I rigged a tuna fish sandwich yesterday, so I'm sure to have a tiger by now! They like tuna fish, huh? Tigers will do anything for a tuna fish sandwich. We're kind of stupid that way. Munch Munch
+19851119 So Dad, what do I do when I catch a tiger? Bring it home and stuff it Calvin! Can't you see I'm busy? Sheesh. No, really, I couldn't eat another bite!
+19851120 What's all this noise? You're supposed to be asleep! It was Hobbes, Dad! He was jumping on the bed! Honest! "Hobbes" was not jumping on the bed! Now go to sleep! You were too jumping on the bed! Well, you were the one playing the cymbals!!
+19851121 Show and tell is over, Calvin. Please put your "tiger" in your locker. In my locker?! He'll suffocate! Well, at least put him under your chair. Whey! That was a close one! I'll say! Sever plus three. Seventy-three.
+19851122 Good night, Calvin. 'night Dad! Hey! Aren't you going to say good night to Hobbes?! Good night, Hobbes. That's it?! No story? No smooch?? Go to sleep, you sissy.
+19851123 What's this? Taste it. You'll love it. You know you'll hate something when they won't tell you what it is.
+19851124 Outrage! Why should I go to bed? I'm not tired! It's only 7:30! This is tyranny! I'm ZZZZ Good night, Calvin. Will you check for monsters under the bed? No monsters. You're safe. What about the dresser? Calvin, I'm sure there are no monsters in your dresser. Go to sleep. Great. I'll bet that's where they all are. They'll come out and kill us as soon as we fall asleep. So who's going to fall asleep? Well, we'll just have to get the monsters first. You irritate them with this horn, and I'll nail 'em with my dart gun when they come out. Get ready! I hear one coming! What's all the noise?! AAIEEE!! A monster in the hallway!! Dear will you come up here a minute? I think I wounded him. Give me the bat and I'll finish him off!
+19851125 Any monsters under my bed tonight!! Well there'd better not be! I'd hate to have to torch one with my flame thrower! You have a flame thrower?? They lie. I lie.
+19851126 Mom, can I drive on the way back? Of course not, Calvin. Can I just steer then? I promise I won't crash. No, Calvin. Can I work the gas and brakes while you steer? No, Calvin. You never let me do anything.
+19851127 Here we find a thriving city: brand new buildings, a bustling economy. A scenic thoroughfare winds through this happy municipality. Here, a farmer drives his livestock to market. Tragically, this serene metropolis lies directly beneath the Hoover dam...
+19851128 This smells like bat barf! That does it, young man! You are excused to your room! Don't you think that's a little harsh, dear? He'll get hungry. Calvin has got to learn some manners! He won't starve to death. ...and extra pepperoni!
+19851129 We'll see what the principal has to say about your attention span, young man! The valiant Spaceman Spiff has been captured! The aliens doubtlessly want the secret formula to the atomic napalm neutralizer! Moments from the torture chamber, Spiff springs into action! Why is he eating his hall pass?
+19851130 Do you believe in fate? You mean, that our lives are predestined? Yeah ... that the things we do are inevitable. What a scary thought!
+19851201 No! goodness, what was all that fuss? Oh, Calvin didn't want to take his bath. What a noisy kid! I'm doomed. I can't believe my own parents would do this to me! AH-HA! I've got you now, kid! AAUGH! Help! Quick! Momm! HA HA HA! Have a drink! Hellp! Gurgle blub. Calvin! Quiet down and quit splashing! I don't want to have to clean the whole bathroom. Ha! I pulled the plug! Down the drain with you! Die, fiend! Die, die!! Don't tell me he's letting out the water already! Believe it lady.
+19851202 Bad news, dad. Your polls are way down. My polls? You rate especially low among tigers and six-year-old white males. If you want to stay "Dad" I'd suggest you adopt some key planks to your platform. Some special interest groups are in for a surprise. Of those polled, virtually all flavor increased allowances and the commencement of driving lessons.
+19851203 There's a new girl in our class. Well! What's her name? Who knows? Is she nice? Who cares? Not me! Do you like her?? No!
+19851204 Here comes that new girl. Hey Susie Derkins, is that your face, or is a 'possum stuck in your collar? I hope you suffer a debilitating brain aneurysm, you freak! She's cute, isn't she?? Go away.
+19851205 Hi Calvin. Mind if I join you for lunch? Yes. I have soup today. What do you have? A squid eyeball sandwich. You do not! Don't be disgusting. I like to suck out the retinas. Miss Wormwood! Care for a bite? Or were you leaving?
+19851206 You can't come up here, Susie! No girls allowed. What on earth makes you think I'd want to sit up in a stupid tree in the first place?!? Leave it to a girl, to take all the fun out of sex discrimination.
+19851207 Wheee! Houston, we have a negative on that orbit trajectory.
+19851208 Our hero, the valiant Spaceman Spiff, is marooned on a strange world ... I'll set my Mertilizer on "deep fat fry." Calvin! You're not paying attention! ... we join Spaceman Spiff on the distant planet Zorg ... Gronk! Argh! Trapped by a hideous Graknil, Spiff draws his trusty atomic napalm neutralizer! Chew electric death snarling cur! But the weapon is useless! Spiff is doomed!! Our hero makes a break and ducks into a nearby cave! Weeoo! What's that awful smell? Eep! Who was that? Beats me, Fred.
+19851209 Oh, Mary, you look ravishing in that skimpy negligee! Mmm ... darling, don't you wish we were married? But we are! ... or did you mean to each other? I've got to have you! Let's murder our spouses! Murder?! You sick animal! I love it when you talk that way! Come here! Sometimes I think I learn more when I stay home from school.
+19851210 Mom, can I set fire to my bed mattress? No, Calvin. Can I ride my tricycle on the roof? No, Calvin. Then can I have a cookie? No, Calvin. She's on to me.
+19851211 No, Mom! Don't put me to bed! I instructed Hobbes to messily devour anyone who brings me in before 9 p.m.! Your stuffed tiger is in the washing machine. Fine time to take a bath! Listen, just because you never take one ...
+19851212 Did you watch the movie on TV last night? Nope. Did you watch the game then? Nope. Did you watch any TV last night? Nope. Then what did you watch?
+19851213 Insurance?? What a dumb idea! Why would anyone buy insurance from you?!? Thwping!
+19851214 Hello, Dad! It is now three in the morning. Do you know where I am?
+19851215 We join our hero Megazorks above the planet Gloob ... Spaceman Spiff, conqueror of the cosmos, is pursued by the hideous scum beings of planet Q-13! Spiff hyper-freem drive malfunctions! The aliens close in! suddenly, a searing bolt of deadly fram ray slices across the blackness! Our hero is unfazed. Another bolt! Spiff is hit!! Spiff is going down can he make it?? Is this the end?!? AAAAAA Spiff's alive! He made it!! I'm alive! Ha ha ha! I kiss the sweet ground! Maybe you should play on the swings, Calvin.
+19851216 Calvin, are you going to take that stuffed tiger to school again? Sure. Don't the kids make fun of you? Tommy Chesnut did once, and now nobody does. Why, what happened to Tommy Chesnut? Hobbes ate him! Ugh! He needed a bath too ...
+19851217 Calvin! What's all this noise?! You're supposed to be asleep! Monsters under the bed Dad! I was whacking one with my baseball bat! Goodness Calvin, it's just your stuffed tiger! You should put away your toys! Sorry, ol' buddy, good thing I missed occasionally, huh? Yeah, let me see your bat a minute.
+19851218 Here comes the sports car at 200 miles per hour! Here comes the cement truck! Look out! And here comes an inflammable chemical truck! Oh no!! This ought to be good.
+19851219 Calvin! What are you doing to our yard?!? Making speed bumps.
+19851220 I wonder where we go when we die. Pittsburgh? You mean if we're good or if we're bad?
+19851221 We're lost again. Ha! We're brave explorers! The word lost isn't even in our vocabulary! How about the word "Mommy"? Mommmyyy!!
+19851222 There! Our fortress is completely indestructible! "Sunny and warmer today, high in the upper thirties ... " Our snow fort is impenetrable! At the slightest provocation, we'll let loose a merciless barrage of stinging ice!! None dare attack us! We rule all!! Together, a veritable fist of defiance, we stand immune to any onslaught! We are invincible!! We ... uh ... umm ... piff!
+19851223 Hey! Where's the stocking for Hobbes? Where's Santa gonna stick Hobbes' loot, if Hobbes doesn't have a stocking?!? Okay, okay ... I'll make Hobbes a stocking. Don't worry. Make it big, but not as big as mine. "...Hobbes' loot"?? don't look at me! I'm done shopping!
+19851224 Are you still awake? Of course! It's midnight. Let's go! As soon as he drops the bag down, you grab it and I'll close the flue!
+19851225 Uh, Hobbes? ... I forgot to get you a present. I didn't even make you a card ... I'm sorry Hobbes. I didn't mean to forget. It's okay, little buddy. I didn't get you anything either. But here's a tiger hug for being my best friend. Not so hard, you big sissy. You squeeze my tears out. Merry Christmas.
+19851226 How long do you think it is till bedtime? Oh, six or seven hours, I imagine. Why do you ask? With any luck, mom will notice we're missing by then.
+19851227 Calvin! What are you doing to the coffee table?!? Is this some sort of trick question, or what?
+19851228 Hey Calvin, you want to play "house"? I don't know. How do you play? Okay ... first, you come home from work. Then I come home from work. We'll gripe about our jobs, and then we'll argue over whose turn it is to microwave dinner.
+19851229 Very grim, Calvin. You're still having oatmeal. Gurgle. Quit playing with your oatmeal and eat it, Calvin. Gagpth! I'm free! Bugh! Yaah! Death to oatmeal! You'll never escape, vile glop! Die! Die! Calvin! Quit! ... oh no ... It's your fault we didn't have a sweet little girl! Your stupid chromosome!! Not mine!! ... I just live here.
+19851230 It says here that by the age of six ... most children have seen a million murders on television. I find that very disturbing! It means I've been watching all the wrong channels.
+19851231 I'm not eating this green stuff. Yecchh! Good idea, Calvin. It's a plate of toxic waste that will turn you into a mutant if you eat it. Mmmm. Scrape. Urf. Smack. There has got to be a better way to make him eat! Ahhh ... I can feel it working.
+19860101 Dad, how come you live in this house with mom ... instead of an apartment with several scantily clad female roommates? Boy! Ask a simple question, and get all your television privileges revoked.
+19860102 Hobbes, have you ever kissed a girl? A few I guess. Really? What was it like? Mmmmmmmm Pop! ... only a lot more so! Gaack! I was hoping it wouldn't be so fuzzy ...
+19860103 What do you find attractive in women, Hobbes? Well, I've always been partial to redheads ... with green eyes. I like green eyes ... and whiskers! Long whiskers! Let's change the subject.
+19860104 Having transformed myself into a werewolf, I search for human sacrifice! Hi Dad! Mm ... hello. Calvin, stop that disgusting drooling!
+19860105 I love winter days. They're so peaceful. Ha ha! Gotcha Susie! Hey, you dummy! You'll never be able to throw a snow ball that big! Ha! Stupid girl! Hey, what are you doing? Get away. Hey! Put me down! Where are you taking me?! Hey! Hey! Chunk.
+19860106 All right class, who would like to give his book report first? Calvin, how about you? Calvin? Calvin? Spaceman Spiff cooly draws his death ray blaster ...
+19860107 2 + 7 = I cannot answer this question, as it is against my religious principles. It's worth a shot.
+19860108 Hobbes, what do you think happens to us when we die? I think we play saxophone for an all-girl cabaret in New Orleans. So you believe in heaven? Call it what you like.
+19860109 We are a fierce and dirty band of cutthroat pirates! Keep a sharp lookout Matey. We want no sissy girls on our ship! We don't like girls? Of course not dummy! We're a murderous bunch of pirates, remember?! Who do we smooch then?
+19860110 What did you bring for show and tell Susie? I brought a letter I wrote to our congressman. What did you bring? A bag of dead bugs I collected from our window sills. Best of all, this way mom didn't have to pack me a lunch!
+19860111 We'll Hobbes, we did it again. We're separated from the troop and hopelessly lost. Fortunately, our motto is "Be prepared." With this full backpack we can stay out here for weeks! Just so long as we don't get hungry.
+19860112 I'm home from school! So I gathered. Hobbes? Yaaaaah! Aaaaugh! Tiger attack! Calvin! Quit crashing around! Hobbes jumped me Mom! I was fighting for my very survival!! Sure Calvin. Look, I don't want to sew Hobbes up again, so why don't you two go do something quiet? Okay, okay ... You sissy. Mom always takes your side! That's because she wanted another tiger, not you!
+19860113 Calvin, pass this note to Jessica. It's a secret note, so don't read it. Calvin you stinkhead: I told you not to read this. Susie.
+19860114 That dirty Susie Derkins. She'll be sorry if she tries to pass another note. Psst ... Calvin! Pass this secret note to Jessica, okay? Teacher! Susie's passing notes! Take this away and read it in front of the class! "Dear Jessica, you know what I hate about Calvin? He's a squealer! Signed, Susie." I hope you know a good dentist, Susie ...
+19860115 Now look! You got us sent to the principal's office! Gosh! Do you think we'll get paddled?? They can't paddle me! I'm a girl!! What's that got to do with it? Girls have more delicate heinies.
+19860116 Calvin, I don't want to be spanked! What if it goes on our academic transcripts? We'll be ruined! Sniff. Darn you Calvin!! You're gonna answer to my parents if I can't get my masters degree!
+19860117 Calvin and Susie, would you come in my office please? It was all his fault Mr. Spittle! That's a lie! She started it! Are you going to spank us?? I'll never pass notes again! Don't spank us!! Waaahhhh!! I wish we were dead!! I hate this job.
+19860118 Now I want you both to pay better attention in class. Understood? Yes sir. Okay, you may return to your room now. Thank you Mr. Spittle. Calvin? You may return to your room. Calvin? The Zorg draws nearer Spiff sets his blaster on "medium well" ...
+19860119 It says here that "Religion is the opiate of the masses." ... what do you suppose that means? ... it means Karl Marx hadn't seen anything yet. What are you watching? Garbage. This show would insult a 6-year-old! And I should know. So why watch it? All the other shows are even worse! Why watch TV at all then? There's nothing to do. Nothing to do?! You could read a book! Or write a letter! Or take a walk! When you're old you'll wish you had more than memories of this tripe to look back on. Undoubtedly.
+19860120 ... and with that report, we ... click beeeoooop click rats.
+19860121 Mom, can I take up the floorboards in my room and make a secret passageway? Of course not, Calvin. Don't be ridiculous. Why can't I? Because you'd come right through the kitchen ceiling. I said don't do it. Okay, okay ... how quietly do you think we can nail these back in?
+19860122 What's this disgusting slimy blob? Try it. You'll love it. Oh yeah? Well what if I don't love it?!? Then it will build character. That's my dad. Always looking out for me.
+19860123 Calvin! You're going to be late for school! Get up! Calvin, it's almost 7:30! Are you up?? I'm coming. See? I told you it wouldn't work! Of course not, dummy! You didn't put on any pants!
+19860124 Do you know where babies come from? Nope. Well, I wonder how one finds out! ... here, let me see the back of your shirt. You came from Taiwan.
+19860125 Hey Mom, when's lunch? Later Calvin. I'm busy. But I'm hungry now! I wanna eat! A map to the refrigerator. Hilarious.
+19860126 McZargald's ... next exit ... 50 Megazorks. Over 7Million earthlingburgers served." Spaceman Spiff is going down!!! We join our hero as he struggles to land his damaged spacecraft! The altitude flaps refuse to respond, but fearless Spiff is unfazed! Spiff careens through the alien canyon! Is this the end?? No! moments before impact, Spiff ejects! Now are you through charging around the house or are you going to fall down the stairs again? Our hero regains consciousness at the feet of a sarcastic alien ...
+19860127 Hi, Dad. It's me Calvin! How's work going? ... uh huh ... pretty day out, isn't it? ... yep ... are you bringing me home any presents tonight? ... no? Well, just thought I'd ask ... listen, I suppose you're wondering why I called ...
+19860128 Dad, your polls took a big dive this week. Your "Overall Dad performance" rating was especially low. See? Right about yesterday your popularity went down the tubes. Calvin, you didn't get dessert yesterday because you flooded the house!! I'd suggest a new line of work "Dad" ...
+19860129 The giant slimy octopus oozes across the beach. His hideous presence terrorizes the sleepy waterfront community. With a sucker-covered tentacle, he grabs an unsuspecting tourist. A muffled scream lingers in the salty air! Did you want something Calvin?
+19860130 Uh-oh. Here comes Moe. The class bully! Okay twinky, let's have that ball. Sure, Moe. All yours. Never argue with a six-year-old who shaves.
+19860131 Hey! You took my favorite swing! That's true Moe. How about that? ... uh ... His train of thought is still boarding at the station.
+19860201 Moe, I was wondering something. Are you maladjusted antisocial tendencies the product of your berserk pituitary gland! What? Isn't he great folks? Let's give him a big hand.
+19860202 What should we have Dad read us tonight? ... so in the next panel, Supertoad goes "Plooie" and ... "My what big teeth you have! Said little Red Riding Hood. The better to eat you with! Said the wolf ... tiger ... said the tiger, and he pounced on Little Red Riding Hood. Just then a hunter came by, and when he saw the wolf ... tiger ... when he saw the tiger he picked up his gun and ... and? ...and it was too late. The tiger ate them both and he lived happily ever after. The end." Good story Dad! Thanks! Sniff. I always cry at happy endings.
+19860203 A bushel is a unit of weight equal to four pecks. What's a peck? A quick smooch. You know, I don't understand math at all.
+19860204 Mom, can I have some money so Hobbes and I can go to a movie? What movie? The cuisinart murder of central high. I really think there are more constructive ways you could spend your afternoon Calvin. What did she say? Oh, she went off on one of her irrelevant tangents again.
+19860205 Do you believe our destinies are controlled by the stars? No, I think we can do whatever we want with our lives. Not to hear Mom and Dad tell it.
+19860206 Ready? No. Hurry up! Okay, I'm ready!
+19860207 I have a question. Do you believe in life after death? You know, reincarnation? You just steer, okay?
+19860208 Meed and mild-mannered Calvin ducks into a nearby closet and transforms himself into ... Captain Napalm protector of the American way! Endowed with superhuman powers, he quickly ... Mommmmmmm!
+19860209 Man the harpoons! Thar she blows!! Can Hobbes take a bath too? No, Hobbes doesn't need one. Hold still. By golly, what if I drown because nobody was here to rescue me?? Hobbes! C'mere! Mom can't know you're in here, okay? I'll disguise myself with bubbles. Hmm ... you need a hat. Hang on, and I'll get one of Dad's. I like his gray one the best. Maybe you should wear a tie, too. I'll be right back. Better hurry! I think I hear your mom coming! Dear! Why are you taking a bath?!? ... and wearing your best hat!!
+19860210 Wake up Calvin. It's time for school. I'm not going to school anymore. You have to. It's the law. What about Hobbes? Why doesn't he have to go to school? He's a tiger. Get up. What's being a tiger got to do with it? Tigers wreck the grade curve.
+19860211 Do you think it's better to live in stupefying security ... or take risks and live life on the edge? I think it's better to accept danger and live to the fullest! I take it by your silence that you agree ...
+19860212 I'm making Susie Derkins a valentine. She's a cutie, all right. See, I made a big red heart. Now I'm putting lace around it. That's very sweet. I'm sure she'll like it. Susie, I hate you. Drop dead. Calvin.
+19860213 I'd like to get a valentine bouquet for a girl I know. What a sweet little boy you are! Come see what we have. Is this all? Did you have something special in mind? Sort of. Do you have a dumpster out back I could root through?
+19860214 Calvin, you baloney brain! You sent me a hate-mail valentine and a crummy bunch of dead flowers! So here's a valentine for you, you insensitive clod!! A valentine and flowers! He likes me! She noticed! She likes me!
+19860215 No text
+19860216 Hey Calvin! Are we near a slaughterhouse, or did you forget your deodorant?! Drop dead Susie! You're so ugly, I hear your mom puts a bag over your head before she kisses you goodnight!! It's shameless the way we flirt. What's it like to fall in love? Well ... say the object of your affection walks by ... yeah? First your heart falls into your stomach and splashes your innards. All the moisture makes you sweat profusely. This condensation shorts the circuits to your brain, and you get all woozy. When your brain burns out altogether, your mouth disengages and you bable like a cretin until she leaves. That's love?!? Medically speaking. Heck, that happened to me once, but I figured it was cooties!!
+19860217 Hey, Calvin, it's gonna cost you 50 cents to be my friend today. And what if I don't want to be your friend today? Then the janitor scrapes you off the wall with a spatula. Heck. What's a little extortion among friends?
+19860218 I got the new album by Scrambled Debutante. All their songs glorify depraved violence, mindless sex, and the deliberate abuse of dangerous drugs. Your Mom's going to go into conniptions when she sees this lying around. Well I sure didn't buy it for the music ...
+19860219 Mom, will you drive me into town? Why should I drive you Calvin? It's a perfect day outside! What do you think people have feet for? To work the gas pedal.
+19860220 Calvin, you're not paying attention again! Spaceman Spiff, conqueror of the cosmos, is trapped by a hideous Zondarg! With lightining speed, Spiff bolts for the air lock, making a daring escape! Nice try Calvin.
+19860221 I'm home! Did you feed Hobbes today Mom? No dear, it must have slipped my mind. Thanks Mom. You wanna just douse me in steak sauce before I go to my room?
+19860222 Mommmm! I'm thirsty! What's this? Just water?
+19860223 Hey Mom, can I drive now? No. How about now? Oh no! oh you stupid car! What's wrong with you now?!? That's it Mom! Go ahead and swear! We don't mind! Calvin, be quiet! Want Hobbes and me to go get help? You stay where you are. I'll look under the hood. Kick the car Mom! It works on the TV! Look at all these cars going by. Nobody's stopping to help. Let's blow the horn! Maybe someone will come. Beeeep! Hoorayy!! Someone stopped! We're heroes!! Want me to call a tow truck lady? First call the police and report an infanticide.
+19860224 I need help on my homework. What's a pronoun? A noun that lost its amateur status. Maybe I can get a point for originality.
+19860225 Leave your tiger in the car Calvin. Can't Hobbes come along Dad? He won't eat anybody! No Calvin. Lets go. Well, at least let me open the window and give him some air. See if he'll leave the keys too, so I can listen to the radio.
+19860226 Calvin, your mother and I have decided to give you an allowance. It's important that one learns the value of money. Money! Ha ha ha! I'm rich! I'm rich! I can buy off anyone! The world is mine! Power! Friends! Prestige! I blew it again dear!
+19860227 When I grow up, I want to be a radical terrorist. Mm hmm ... I'm going to inhale this can of pesticide. Mm hmm ... I'm going to watch TV all night. That's what you think buster! You can never tell if they're listening or not.
+19860228 Here's a good movie! "Vampire Sorority Babes!" It says you have to be eighteen to get in. Heck, that's no problem! Let's go! This is a new one. Two please ... I mean one.
+19860301 I think it's time we had a new Dad around here. When does your term of office expire? Sorry Calvin, I was appointed Dad for life. For life?! What about a recall vote? What about impeachment? There are no provisions for either. Did you write this constitution yourself or what? Well, your mom helped some too.
+19860302 Aachoo! Gesundheit! Okay! How many monsters are under my bed tonight? Just one. That's good Hobbes! We outnumber him! Hee hee! Wanna get him? Yeah! See if you can reach the baseball bat! Heh heh! Quit shoving you hogs! Mommmmm! Nice going Maurice.
+19860303 You're gonna taste asphalt fifth period Twinky. Just so you know. Great. I'm dead. Fifth period - "Studies in contemporary state-sponsored terrorism." Also known as gym class.
+19860304 I can't get a baby sitter anywhere! What should we do? We won't be gone long couldn't Calvin be left for a couple of hours unsupervised? Ha ha ha ha! Ho ho ho hoo hoo har ha ho. Seriously what should we do?
+19860305 Okay Calvin. We'll be back in a couple of hours. You and Hobbes just watch TV and be good okay? Did you hear that? We get to watch TV!! Horray! Videorama? I'd like to rent a VCR and some movies! Ask if they have "Attach of the Coed Cannibals."
+19860306 Well, the house is still standing. Calvin must have gone to bed. His light is still on. Calvin? Are you awake? Eep! Did you watch a scary movie?!? No, don't come in. the rug is rigged too.
+19860307 Whap! Smash. Tinkle. Ding. Shatter. Clink. Wow. First try!
+19860308 Downtown tokyo! Aarrghhgh! Godzilla.
+19860309 How can I get some money? Short of earning it I mean. I want a gernade launcher mom. When's Christmas? Not for a long time. When's my birthday? Not for a long time. When's my allowance? You spent it already. Do I have any stocks I can cash? War bonds?? Calvin, I'm trying to work! Can I borrow some soap? Yes, you can borrow some soap. Have all the soap you want.
+19860310 Boy, is it cold! You should get a good fur coat like mine. Woof! What did you eat for breakfast? Cement? Look, was this my idea?
+19860311 Oh no, I lost my quarter! Where did you lose it? It's somewhere in this field. We'll never find it. You'll have to wait till the snow melts. Till the snow melts? It's 25 cents!!
+19860312 Wanna see something weird? Watch. You put bread in this slot and push down this lever ... then in a few minutes toast pops up! Wow. Where does the bread go? Beats me. Isn't that weird?
+19860313 Who are you today? Fine. I want the top of my head shaved, and the sides dyed pink and cut in horizontal stripes, ok? Ma'am? Give him the usual Pete. Well I guess this guy knows which side his bread is buttered on!
+19860314 There, how's that look? That's great. Perfect. Without question, this is the finest haircut I have ever received. Never criticize a guy with a razor ...
+19860315 Too bad the world will be ending soon. Beg your pardon? Halley's comet. Comets are harbingers of doom. No they aren't. that's just superstition. Really?? Guess I'd better write that book report.
+19860316 Ready? Let me check what the deductible is on my insurance policy ... Munch munch. Would you care for a soft drink? Ok. H-H-here y-you a-a-are! Any desert? No, thanks. We'll be landing shortly. The captain has turned off the seat belt sign. Thank you for choosing Calvin's flight 240 non-stop to Stoney Gulch. Next time I won't take the dinner flight.
+19860317 Do you love me dad? Of course I do Calvin. Would you still love me if I did something bad? Well of course I would. I mean something really really ... Calvin, what did you do?!
+19860318 Well Dad, your polls are real high this week. I'm glad to hear that. Yep, those polled think you are doing a fine job as a Dad. In fact, with a little push today, your political stock could reach a record high. Nice try. Go help your Mom with the dishes. Ooh Dad! Suicide! Ooh! Ooh!
+19860319 Here comes Moe, the class bully. He's not smart but he's streetwise. That means he knows what street he lives on.
+19860320 Toll booth Dad! You can't put the car in until you pay me a quarter! Why should I pay you to put my car in my garage? Because if you don't I'll pull the door down on the hood as you drive in! What a cheapskate.
+19860321 A little lower ... ok, fine! Thanks for helping me put up this swing. Where did you ever find this great tire? Calvin! I've got to go to work!!
+19860322 What's that cereal you're eating? It's my new favorite, "Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs." Have a taste. Thank you. Mffpbth!! S-sw-sw sweet!! Actually they're kinda bland till you scoop sugar on 'em.
+19860323 How come we play war and not peace? Too few role models. I'll be the fearless American defender of liberty and democracy ... and you can be the loathsome godless communist oppressor. We're at war, so if you get hit with a dart, you're dead and the other side wins, ok? Gotcha. Go! Wap Wap Kind of a stupid game, isn't it?
+19860324 Can I be excused? Not until you finish your salmon. Blaughhh! Can I eat it upstairs while I do my homework? Well, I suppose. I brought you your favorite! How's it coming? Well, I couldn't figure out this subtraction problem, so I put "Atlanta, Georgia" ...
+19860325 Hey, Susie, wanna see a magic trick? First, I'll need a ordinary quarter ... Now I'll disappear! Ha ha ha! Hey! Didn't I say it was a trick??
+19860326 Look! A decoder ring! Wow! We can send each other secret messages in code! Ha ha! Now Mom and Dad won't be able to understand us at all! ... not that they do anyway ...
+19860327 Rise and shine Calvin! Mfgpbthbbpt The early bird gets the worm! Big incentive.
+19860328 I've decided we should be "cooler" than we are. We're not cool? Sure we're cool. But we're not as cool as we could be. Cool people wear dark glasses! It's cool to bump into things? You don't move, just hang around.
+19860329 Hey Dad, will you buy me a flame thrower? Of course not. Don't be silly. Even if I didn't use it in the house?
+19860330 Did you ask your Mom if you could jump off the roof? Questions I know the answers to I don't need to ask right? Is this blanket big enough? Perfect! See, I'll just grab all the corners and make a parachute! You can watch as I float to the ground, gently as a leaf. Geronimo!! Crunch! His Mom's going to have a fit about those rose bushes.
+19860331 I told you I'm not sick! What's that? Will it hurt? It's a tongue depressor. It won't hurt at all. What's that? Will it hurt? It's a stethoscope. It won't hurt at all. What's that? Will it hurt? It's a cattle prod. It hurts a little less than a branding iron. Little kids have no sense of humor.
+19860401 Hey Doc, why are you rubbing my arm with cotton? Are you going to put a leech there? Are you going to bleed me? You're not going to amputate, are you? Are you?? What's that? Is that a shot? Are you going to ... Aaughh! It went clear through my arm!! Ow ow ow ow!!! I'm dying! I hope you've paid your malpractice insurance, you quack!! Where's my mom??!
+19860402 Safari Al hacks his way through the jungle! Suddenly, a giant gorilla rips through the foliage! Clean your room. What? You heard me. It's a jungle in here!
+19860403 Seen any UFOs yet? Nope. Keep watching the moon. Aliens usually try to sneak up from behind it. What are you doing out here in your pajamas? Get back in bed!! Mothers on the other hand, sneak up from behind the Pachysandra patch.
+19860404 I don't think I'll go to school today. I think you will. I think I won't. Rats.
+19860405 Good night, Hobbes. Good night. Do you believe in ghosts?
+19860406 What do you have for lunch Susie? Maybe I'll trade you. Ugh! A cross section of a dachshund. No, thanks. It's bologna! I wonder what I have for lunch today. Its lunch time! Ha ha ha! I think I'll have this little kid!! Help! I'm being eaten alive by my own lunch! Somebody get me a fork! He's got me!! Aaarrrgghh! Wham wham wham! Ha! I killed it with my thermos! See? It's bleeding jelly! No wonder this seat wasn't taken.
+19860407 Somewhere in communist Russia I'll bet there's a little boy who has never known anything but censorship and oppression. But maybe he's heard about America, and he dreams of living in this land of freedom and opportunity! Someday, I'd like to meet that little boy ... and tell him the awful truth about this place!! Calvin, be quiet and eat the stupid lima beans.
+19860408 Whenever I take my bath ... I always put my ducky in first. For companionship? To test for sharks.
+19860409 My secret ancient treasure map says to dig here! Look! A wallet full of money! Right where you said! It's Dad's. I buried it here last week.
+19860410 Spaceman Spiff, bold interplanetary explorer, spies on a Zarg! Spiff calibrates his blaster. Ready ... aim ... Calvin, if you shoot that paper clip at me, I'll get your bottom hauled to the principal's office so fast you'll think you were in a time warp!! Confound it. The blaster jammed.
+19860411 It looks like Hobbes burst a seam here. I'll get my sewing kit. It's just a little cut. I don't need an operation. This is unnecessary surgery! It's not surgery, you're just getting a couple of stiches! What's the big deal? Your mom never uses any anesthetic.
+19860412 What a peculiar dream I had last night! I dreamed I was in a big fight with a ferocious weasel! What do you suppose it means? It means you're sleeping on the floor tonight, you nincompoop!
+19860413 Hey Dad, remember our car? Why sure. Wait a minute. What do you mean, "Remember"? Hobbes, I have a conjectural moral question. Maybe you can help. Sure. Suppose I did something bad. Should I tell Dad? How bad are we supposing? Well, hypothetically, let's say pretty bad. Like to his car hypothetically. How bad, hypothetically, to his car? Well, let's pretend it was real bad. Should we pretend it could be fixed? If we imagined he could find the car, we could pretend it might be fixed. I see. You can keep the book. I'll call the bus station. "Que pasa, senorita? I am el fugitivo!"
+19860414 Why can't I stay up late? You guys can! It's not fair! The world isn't fair Calvin. I know, but why isn't it ever unfair in my favor?
+19860415 The valiant Spaceman Spiff is being pursued by a disgusting scum being! Spiff spots his hovering spaceship and bolts for the ladder! But he's too late! The awful scum being is upon him! It's all over! It's all over!! I told you three times recess was over! Now get inside!
+19860416 As dictator, I have the sole voice in government! I will not tolerate dissent! I alone shall decide the good! I alone shall ... time for bed, Calvin. Couldn't we vote on this?
+19860417 If you could wish for anything, what would it be? A big sunny field to be in. A stupid field?! You've got that now! Think big! Riches! Power! Pretend you could have anything! Actually, it's hard to argue with someone who looks so happy.
+19860418 Here fish! They must know that one.
+19860419 Aaghh! Chomp! Are the fish biting? Drop dead, Hobbes.
+19860420 Oops! I forgot to read chapter five for school tomorrow. What are you going to do? Catch a quick cold. Cough cough. You sound terrible, Calvin. I'll get you some cough medicine. It wasn't me coughing. It was Hobbes. Me? It wasn't me! I know, but that cough syrup tastes awful. So you're going to have me take it? Nothing doing, buster. I refuse! Here you go Calvin. Open up. Not me! Give it to Hobbes! He's the one who ... Gloomp Ackthp! Pbthbbppth!! Hack Hack. Mmm! That cough medicine is good! You should try some! Really! You're not fooling me one bit, you stinker.
+19860421 I can't get this model airplane to look right. These directions are impossible! Rrrrrggghhhhh wham wham wham! Hit by anti-aircraft guns. Your planes do seem to run into those. Don't they?
+19860422 Tommy told a funny story at school today. I almost died! Tell it to me. Well, actually the story itself wasn't so funny ... it was the way he told it. How did he tell it? He was drinking milk and when he laughed it came up his nose!
+19860423 You've got two periods to live, Twinky. Then it's gym class, and I turn you into hamburger casserole! I hate gym class. Coach thinks violence is aerobic.
+19860424 Where's my jacket? I've looked everywhere! Under the bed, over my chair, on the stairs, on the hall floor, in the kitchen ... it's just not anywhere! Oh, here it is! Who put it in the stupid closet?!?
+19860425 Hocus-pocus, Abracadabra! I command my homework to do itself! Homework, be done! Flip flip flip. Rats.
+19860426 Do you ever think about the end of the world as we know it? You mean for nuclear war? I think mom was referring to if she ever catches me letting the air out of the car tires again.
+19860427 I'm taking the umbrella outside. Well, that's showing a little foresight for once. Good for you. Wait a minute. You really think this will work? Of course! Let's go! Smash! Bonk bonk bonk. Look! I'm flying!! I had my eyes shut. How was it? Great! What a ride! Let's get some other kids and charge 'em!
+19860428 Fearless Spaceman Spiff closes in on the fleeing Zargons! Once again our hero is about to teach vicious alien scum that virtue is it's own reward! He locks onto target! Psst, Calvin! What was the capital of Poland until 1600! Krakow. Thanks. Krakow! Krakow! Two direct hits!
+19860429 The tyrannosaurus lumbers across the prehistoric valley ... the terrifying lizard is three stories tall, and his mouth is filled with six-inch chisels of death! With a few mighty steps, the dinosaur is upon a tribe of fleeing cavemen. He devours them one by one! Araragh! Aaieee! Aaughh! Calvin, eat your popcorn quietly!
+19860430 What does this word mean? Which one? That long one. I don't know. You do too!! All right! Where's a dictionary??
+19860501 Can I watch the movie "Killer Prom Queen" on tv? No. Do I have to eat this slimy asparagus? Yes. Can I stay up till midnight? No. There's an inverse relationship between how good something is for you, and how much fun it is.
+19860502 Let's see what happens if you cook popcorn without a lid. Pow. Kapwing. Bang. Pow. Boing. Zang. Heck. That's more fun than exploding a potato in the microwave! Let's do some more!
+19860503 C'mon Calvin. We're going to the store. Can Hobbes come? No, just leave him here. But I want him to come with us!! If you can't win by reason, go for volume.
+19860504 Honey, we have to leave soon. Is Calvin taking his bath? Oh good. While I'm taking my bath, you can brush your teeth and comb your hair. Right. Your dad won't mind if I use his cologne, will he? Well, go easy this time. Think I should shave? No, go for the Don Johnson fuzzy look. Here's a tie and one of my sport coats. Perfect! Right out of "GQ"! boy, I look good in anything, don't I? Refresh my memory. How did I get talked into this one? My friend would like to see the wine list.
+19860505 So the contractor says it will cost about $200 to fix. Oh that dumb kid! Well. It's all part of raising a child, right? Mm. You're not sorry we had Calvin are you? Are you? I asked first besides, it wasn't all my decision. All I know is that I offered to buy us a Dachshund. But no, you said.
+19860506 Do you think there's a god? Well, somebody's out to get me.
+19860507 Spaceman Spiff closes in on the alient vessel! The alien being unnaturally stupid, is blissfully ignorant of it's imminent doom! Our hero locks onto target and warms up his frap-ray blaster! Miss Wormwood!! Zounds! A Gorkon death station appears! Evasive action!
+19860508 Whack! Wow! Another hole in one!
+19860509 Wow! Three new magazines for me today. Yesterday I got five. I love getting all this mail. How come you receive all these magazines? I went to the library and filled out all the subscription cards that said "Bill me later."
+19860510 I love Saturday morning cartoons. What classic humor! This is what entertainment is all about ... idiots, explosives and falling anvils.
+19860511 Wanna go catch some fish? Sure. Ugh. I don't want to touch these worms will you put one on my hook? Me? I'm not gonna spear any worms. I know ... let's just dump the worms in the water, and when the fish come up to eat them, we'll catch them in the net! Pretty smart, huh? That's what I like about surviving in the wild ... pitting our wits against the raging elements! The worms are getting soggy. Ooh, they are starting to sink. Bloop bloop bloop. Let's pit our wits against some fast food cheesburgers. Those come in neat little boxes. Yeah, who'd want to eat something that eats worms anyway?
+19860512 Calvin, the human insect walks across the dinner table. With proportional insect strength. He places a giant pea on the edge of a spoon. He then climbs to the top of the other end ... and with a tiny jump ... Calvin stop that!
+19860513 In his minuscule size it takes Calvin, the human insect, ten minutes to walk across a book's page! At the other end, he slowly lifts the gigantic sheet! Then it's another ten-minute journey back as he turns it over! Gee, the kids been quiet for almost twenty minutes. He's doing his homework.
+19860514 Here's a movie we should watch. Who's in it? It says "Japanese cast." "Two big rubbery monsters slug it out over a major metropolitan centers in a battle for world supremacy." Doesn't that sound great? And people say that foreign film is inaccessible.
+19860515 Oh, Rosalyn, you're here! Good. Come in! We really appreciate your coming on such short notice. We've had a terrible time getting a baby sitter for tonight. Ha ha. Maybe little Calvin here has gotten himself a reputation. Ha ha. You have the half up front? Yes, let me get my purse ...
+19860516 Hi, Baby Doll. It's me. Yeah. I'm baby sitting the kid down the street. Yeah. That's right. The little monster ... mmm? Well so far no problem. He hasn't been any trouble you just have to show these kids who's the boss. Mm hmm. How much longer till she lets us out of the garage? She said 8 o'clock and it's almost 6:30 now.
+19860517 Thanks again for baby sitting Rosalyn. Calvin was no trouble at all. That's good. I'll get the car and drive you home. There you go. Good night. Thank you. Good night. Is she gone?
+19860518 We've got a baby sitter tonight. Ready? Ready. Calvin the baby sitter is here! We're going! Be good, ok? Hi there. You must be Calvin. Hmmph. You're not my mom. So I don't have to do anything you say. I'm going to do whatever I feel like so just stay out of the way. Calvin, take a look by the telephone and tell me what you see. A note Mom left with emergency numbers. Right. Now you wouldn't want me to have to call any of those numbers, would you? Well. It must be 6:30. Guess I'll turn in. for eight bucks a night, I don't put up with much.
+19860519 What a great night to camp out! Where's our tent? I thought the scoutmaster said to set them up. Uh oh. When he said to pitch the tent, I threw it away.
+19860520 The best part about these hikes is getting to see so much wildlife. Look! A tiger! A tiger?! Don't do that!
+19860521 We're separated from the troop and hopelessly lost! Left alone in the uncompromising wild to survive by our wits unaided! Hey, dummy! The scoutmaster says to grab your stupid stuffed tiger and get your rear in gear! We'll try to lose 'em again over the next hill.
+19860522 Grab the hotdogs and come on! The troops cooking dinner over the fire. Oh that's just great. Here we've been lugging this dumb microwave around for nothing.
+19860523 Bop. Spike! Uh oh. We'd better leave. It looks like some big people want to play tennis.
+19860524 The crocodile floats to the top of the murky Amazon. Completely motionless he appears to be only a harmless log. A hippopotamus approaches and ensures its instant death! Calvin what are you doing? Are you all right? Closer ... closer ...
+19860525 Look, it says you have to be eighteen to buy cigarettes. Eighteen?!? By then I'll know better! Mom, can I have a cigarette? Sure Calvin. I think your grandfater left some here. Just smoke outside ok? Wow! Your mom let you have a cigarette? For a mom, sometimes she's pretty cool. Eeeeeep. Blaaugh! Gag. Hack. Cough. You'd think this would be an easy habit to break. Wheeze! Well now ... did we learn a little lesson today? Gasp. Yes. Trusting parents can be hazardous to your health.
+19860526 Mom! Mom! A big dog knocked me down and he stole Hobbes! I tried to catch him but I couldn't. And now I've lost my best friend! Well Calvin. If you wouldn't drag that tiger everywhere things like this wouldn't happen. There's no problem so awful that you can't add some more guilt to it and make it worse!
+19860527 I can't sleep at all. Poor Hobbes! I wonder where he is. I hope he's ok. Sniff. What did I ever do to deserve this? Whatever it was, I'm sorry already!
+19860528 Lost: My tiger, "Hobbes". Maybe you should describe him. On the quiet side, somewhat peculiar. A good companion in a weird sort of way. I mean what does he look like? Oh.
+19860529 Well look. Somebody left a stuffed tiger out in the field how strange. Looks like a dog's been chewing on you fella. Well, nothing a little tea party with some other stuffed animals wouldn't help. C'mon.
+19860530 Hobbes! Hobbes! Where are you?? Hello Calvin. Would you like to join my tea party? Heck no. I'm trying to find my best friend who's been kidnapped by a dog. Leave me alone. Well I think Mr. Calvin is very rude, don't you Mr. Tiger? Yes. I think so too. More tea anyone?
+19860531 Hey, I should tell Susie to keep her eyes open for Hobbes. Susie I ... Hobbes! You found Hobbes! Thank you. Thank you. Thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou. Well! Wasn't Mr. Calvin a gentleman! I do hope hey! Who took all the cookies?!?
+19860601 What's that smell? Either mom's cooking dinner, or somebody got sick in the furnace duct. Boy, does it stink in here! What are you cooking for dinner?! Whatever it is I'm not eating it. I'm stewing some monkey heads. Monkey heads? They'll be soggy enough to eat in about twenty minutes. Really?? We're having monkey heads! We are not ... are those really monkey heads? I've never had monkey heads before! I wonder what they're like. Wow! Monkey heads! Mm ... kinda squishy. Oow look, is that a nose? What's this? Brains? I didn't think they'd be so rubbery ... what? I thought these were stuffed peppers. Honey. What the heck is this?? Whatever it is I'm not eating it!
+19860602 Susie, wanna hear a secret? Sure. I think the principal is a space alien spy. He's trying to corrupt our young innocent minds so we'll be unable to resist when his people invade the Earth! Promise not to tell anyone? Don't worry.
+19860603 Hobbes, what should I do when Moe comes to beat me up in gym class? Well, you can always do what we tigers do when a rhino charges. What's that? We scramble like maniacs for the nearest tree. That's your advice?!? To sit in a tree all day? It doesn't impress the girls, of course, but there's no sense in impressing them and then getting killed my dad used to say.
+19860604 Hobbes, I need your help. that bully Moe. Keeps pushing me around. So I want you to come to school and eat him ok? Eat him? Sure! Tigers eat people allthe time! What if the cafeteria ladies won't let me use the oven?
+19860605 It's too early to be in bed. It's hardly even dark out. Why do I have to be in bed? It's ridiculous. I'm not even tired! I don't need to be in bed! This is an outrage! It's the stupidest thing I can imagine! I think Mom and Dad are just trying to get rid of me. I can't sleep at all. Can you sleep, Hobbes? No!
+19860606 Ok, Mom. Hobbes and I have formed a lobby. We want more privileges. more privileges? Like what? You've got it made! No responsibilities, no cares, no worries! What more could you possibly want? Why didn't you tell her about the credit cards in our names? You heard her. She's in one of her moods.
+19860607 I love Saturdays! I love Saturday I get up at six and eat three bows of Crunch Sugar Bombs. Then I watch cartoons till noon, and I'm incoherent and hyperactive the rest of the day. Does it work? No brothers or sisters so far!
+19860608 No Earthling has ever before seen the cratered, scarred surface of the distant planet Zog! ... although it's not unlike some of those zit cream commercials ... we join the fearless Spaceman Spiff interplanetary explorer extraordinaire, out at the farthest reaches of the galaxy ... with nerves of steel, our hero sets forth on his dangerous mission! He fires his hyper-jets and ... blasts into the fifth dimension! Into a world beyond human comprehension! Into a world where time has no meaning! Man, this class lasts forever! So we carry the three into the tens column ...
+19860609 In the commercials, this cola greatly increases one's sex appeal. Glick glick glick glick. Bur-ur-urpp!! Evidently a little license on Madison Avenue's part. Phoo! Right up my nose.
+19860610 It's an outrage that six-year-olds can't vote! Here I am, a US citizen, with no voice in our representative government! You're concerned about the direction the country is headed? No, I just want a bigger piece of the pie.
+19860611 Poof poof poof. Pow! Good heavens, I think I blew my face inside out!
+19860612 The water's too cold! Now it's too hot. Now it's too cold. Now it's too deep.
+19860613 The fearsome shark senses distress in the waves above him! He circles up, closer and closer to the terrified victim! Hey! Yahh! Snap! Thrash! You know, for someone who hates baths as much as you do, you're not making this go any faster! Another gruesome kill.
+19860614 Here Calvin, I'll show you a magic trick. See? I pulled a dime from your ear! Pretty good huh? Anything yet? J-just a b-b-bloody n-nose.
+19860615 We should make Dad a Father's day card. Okay, I'll draw a picture of him on it. Hmm...make his mouth bigger. He usually look angrier than that. Good morning, Dad! Happy Father's day! Mmf. In appreciation of your service as dad. Today I am living according to the principles of your fatherly wisdom. Calvin, what time is ... five in the morning?! Yes, "Early to bed, early to rise." You always say ... I was going to buy you a nice present, but "A penny saved is a penny earned," as you say ... so I'm now earning 6% on the money I didn't spend. Yes, Dad. Thanks to you I'm a happier, better person. Good work, Socrates. I knew we'd made a mistake the minute I saw that little bologna loaf in the hospital basement.
+19860616 I've never been this high in a tree before. Me either, you can see for miles from up here. I'll say! I'm glad we're up here. That was quite a crash, wasn't it?
+19860617 The rain stopped! This is the best time to go wormmucking. Let's go! What's that? It's when you walk on the pavement and much all the worms.
+19860618 Calvin, quit charging around the house!! Smash! Bink bonk boom. What did I just tell you?!? Beats me. Weren't you listening either?
+19860619 Bang! You're dead! No I'm not you missed. I did not! You cheater! I'm here talking to you aren't I? Ok, then ... bang! My, what a miserable shot you are!
+19860620 Hurry up, Calvin, our reservation is for 7:00. Can Hobbes come to the restaurant? No. why not? We're afraid he might eat someone. Let's go. That's right you probably would wouldn't you. I can never stay on a diet in a restaurant.
+19860621 Arr! Look alive. Ye scurvy scalliwags! Thars a frigat to board! Run up the skull and crossbones! Prepare the plank! Our ship is a plank. And you're going to walk it, wise guy!
+19860622 Wap! Thok! Poom. Wunk. Nice double play. Who's out? It depends are you on my team or am I on your team?
+19860623 A bee landed on your back! A bee?! Acckk! Get it away!! Don't move, and it won't sting you. Just stand still and try not to imagine that it might very well crawl down your shirt and into your pants! He imagined it.
+19860624 Ok, let's flush it! Flush. Ha ha ha. Hee hee! That was great! Let's do it again! Flush. I don't want to know what he's doing do you. No, let's go check.
+19860625 I've had trouble choosing a new hobby. First I wanted to collect bugs. Then I wanted to collect stamps. What did you decide on? Stamped bugs.
+19860626 Everbody I know has either cable TV or a VCR! They can watch anything they want! But me? I have to watch dumb ol' summer repeats! I have to watch the same garbage over and over! How cruelly we mistreat you Calvin. ... so then he gave me "Oliver Twist" to read, and said I might identify with it. Rats ... and "Sorority Row Horror" is on cable tonight.
+19860627 I got a helium balloon. Very nice. I'm going to stand on this ladder and let the balloon carry me up and away. Nothing's happening. Try jumping. See? There goes the balloon and you didn't hang on.
+19860628 Flush! Whee! Ha ha ha! I'm done with my bath. Mm ... that was quick.
+19860629 Calvin, quit horsing around! Hobbes is crowding me. This is my half of the seat. Got it stripeypants? That is your side! You stay over there! I see that!! Calvin, I'm trying to concentrate be quiet. Hobbes poked me. I don't care what Hobbes did! Just be quiet until we get out of this traffic. Hee hee! Stop it you heard Dad! Hoo hoo! Gkpthb! We're going to get in trouble. Mmp mp! Hee hee! Hee hoo ha hee ha ha! Calvin! I thought I said I wanted it quiet!! We were having a weird face contest Dad. But we're all through now. You won.
+19860630 What's all the rukus?! You're supposed to be asleep! And what's with all these feathers?! Are you tearing up your pillows?! It was incredible Dad! A herd of ducks flew in the window and molted! They left when the heard you coming! Honest! Nice alibi, frizzletop! No dessert for a week! You want another pillow across the kisser? I didn't hear you offer any brainstorms!
+19860701 You see, Hobbes. I have a water balloon, and you don't. I therefore have the offensive superiority. So you have to do what I say. What do you think of that? I think I'll take this stick and poke your balloon. That's the trouble with weapons technology. It becomes obsolete so quickly.
+19860702 Oh my gosh, Hobbes! Don't move! What? What is it? The biggest ugliest fuzziest caterpillar I've ever seen is about to chomp your bottom! Aaugh! Kill it! Kill it! Youww! Wham! You know what your problem is? You've got no appreciation for physical humor. That's what!
+19860703 Where are you going? I'm going to walk to the other side of the lake. What's the bucket for? To drain the lake.
+19860704 You know what I like about summer days? They're just made for doing things ... even if it's nothing. Especially if it's nothing.
+19860705 This looks like a great place to catch a crawdad. What will we do with it if we catch one? Well that's one thing we don't need to worry about. You don't know what one is either, huh?
+19860706 Hobbes. You didn't bring your swim trunks here to the beach! No, I prefer "furry dipping." Yaaaaayy! Ow ow ow hot hot hot hot! Aaaaaahhhhh! Sploop splop. Brrrrrr! Cold cold cold. Ow ow ow hot hot hot hot hot. Don't tell me we drove an hour and a half for this!
+19860707 When are we going to get our vacation site? I wanna be there! Calvin, it's an eight-hour drive. We're not even out of our state yet. It's going to be a while relax. How much longer now? I told you we should have flown.
+19860708 There's a restaurant coming up. Want to stop? Only if they have hamburgers. Hamburgers? That's all we've eaten this whole stupid trip! Hamburgers, hamburgers, hamburgers! I'm sick of hamburgers! We're eathing something else for once! Ten million bottles of beer on the wall, ten million bottles of beer ... ok! Ok! Here's a hamburger joint! Are you happy?!
+19860709 I have to go the bathroom. Calvin, we just pulled out of the restaurant can't you wait? Think of something else. All I can think of is Niagara Falls, and the Hoover Dam, and Noah's Ark, and ... ooh boy, now I have to go! Next year I swear I'll just take a vacation by myself.
+19860710 This trip was excruciating thank goodness we're here. Eight hours crammed in a car with a hyperactive six-year old! What an ordeal. Well, now Calvin can run and scream all he likes. Ahh, what a great little place. I'm bored when are we leaving? You're bored? Would you like me to show you how an anchor works?
+19860711 Ahh! Another glorious sunrise. And not a soul around! This is the life! A brisk swim at dawn. A morning out in the boat ... and by 9am I'm back with freshly caught fish for breakfast! The day's hardly begun! What a vacation! Ugh ... I've seen cheerier faces at the office. You eat your dead animals. All I want is some coffee. Why isn't there any TV up here? I hate this place.
+19860712 Dad, look! I caught a fish! Hey, that's a big one. I'll show you how to clean it and we'll have it for dinner. Clean it? Cut off its head and gut it. Mmm! Pass me another of these great cheese sandwiches! Ha ha. No bones in these right?
+19860713 Guess what's short and ugly and wet all over! ... give up? The answer had better not be what I think it is ... squirt squirt squirt squirt! Yow! Squirt squirt squirt squirt! Bang bonk bing! Calvin! If you're going to tear around do it outside!! Okay, okay ...
+19860714 Wow, look down there! I think that's the dim outline of a whale! I think that's a rock. And that must be a giant eel slithering up from the bottom! I think that's a weed. I'll bet this is the mast of an old spanish galleon, sunk hundreds of years ago. It's a branch. Man, this is boring. I wish there was a movie theater some place.
+19860715 Want to go fishing? Sure. Fishing is one sport I really like. I can see why ... it's so contemplative. There's another one!!
+19860716 Gzzzzzzzz! Waaauughhhh! Sploosh.
+19860717 Stomp Stomp Stomp Stomp. Whap Whap Whap Whap. I don't like food cooked out, do you? Ugh. It all tastes the same.
+19860718 Flowers are pretty stupid. See, it's a bright, sunny day out, right? Well, with this watering can, I can make them think it's raining. It's fun to mess with their minds.
+19860719 The experiment has gone horribly wrong! Calvin has mutated into a giant fly! He zips about in parasitic hunger, searching for decaying flesh! An unbearable stench fills the air. The hideous bug zeroes in. Mmm! This makes me hungry! Don't be gross. Just take out the garbage like I asked you, will you please?
+19860720 It's another new morning for Mr. Monroe. He glances at the newspaper headlines over a cup of coffee, and gets in his red sports car to go to work. Little does he realize it's his last day on the face of the earth! Calvin drinks the magic elixer and begins an incredible transformation. Instantly he grows! Bigger and bigger! Higher and higher! He is now over 300 feet tall! The formula is a success! Calvin, the mighty giant, goes on a terrible rampage, striking fear into the hearts of the populace! Nothing can stop him! It's panic in the streets! A town lies in ruins! No, I won't buy you any more toy cars. I saw you! You deliberately stomped on those!
+19860721 C'mon Calvin! I signed you up for swimming lessons. I don't want swimming lessons!! Too late. Let's go. What about Hobbes? Did you sign him up too? No, it's not good to get tigers wet. Why is that? It takes us all day to dry, and until we do we smell funny.
+19860722 I can't believe my mom signed me up for swimming lessons. Here I am freezing my buns off at 9 in the morning, about to jump into ice water and drown. The only thing that could possibly make this worse would be if the class was ... taught by my sadistic baby sitter!! Well, look who's here!
+19860723 Ok ... everyone in the water! I refuse! I'm freezing already! Calvin, do you know what a "Rat Tail" is? No. it's when you soak a towel and twist it up into a whip. It stings like crazy and is much worse than being cold. Get my drift? I always though lifeguards were just taught how to resuscitate people and things like that.
+19860724 This water is freezing! I'm going to go into shock and drown, I just know it. I bet the lifeguard is involved in some insurance scam and she's going to let us all drown like rats! Oh no! oh no! ok, first we're going to learn the "deadmans float." Mom!! Helpp! Helpp! What I put up with to pay for college.
+19860725 I don't want to learn how to swim! I don't need to know how. I'll just stay on dry land all my life. What if you fall out of a boat? No big deal.
+19860726 Forty minutes of terror! Why did you sign me up for this? Why not something fun. Like hang gliding or sharpshooting? Or driving lessons! I could be taking driving lessons and learning something useful! How about piano lessons? You start Tuesday? Ack! No no no no no no no no no.
+19860727 Hey, mom, are you nervous? No ... why? Calvin, go outside and quit bugging me! Calvin the bug buzzes off! Flying low over the grass, he searches for dead meat! Up and over the flowers, darting this way and that! Oh no! he's caught in a spider web! Thrashing about in a desperate bid for freedom, he only becomes more entangled! Soon the spider will suck out his innards! Help! I was going to join you in the hammock, but I think I'll forget it.
+19860728 Hi Calvin, what are you doing? Big important secret things! Go away! Get lost! All right, dandelion head! Who cares what you do anyway! We're doing great things. We're having fun! I thought we were bored out of our skulls. Oh hush. You don't know anything.
+19860729 That stupid Calvin. He's so mean. All I try to do is be friends, and he treats me like I'm nobody. Well, who needs jerks like him anyway? I don't need him for a friend. I can have fun by myself! Poop!
+19860730 Susie, Hobbes thought I was rude, so I'm sorry, and you can come play with us if you want. Thanks, Calvin. That's really nice of you. Ok, we'll play house now. I'll be the high-powered executive wife, the tiger here can be my unemployed, housekeeping husband, and you can be our bratty and brainless kid in a day care center. This was your idea, pea brain. Don't you talk to your father that way! I'm off to wall street. Don't wait up.
+19860731 The aliens are gaining on our hero! In a surprise move, Spaceman Spiff shifts into reverse! The aliens roar ahead! Spiff shifts back into forward, and pursues the aliens! ... but the aliens have turned around and are headed straight for our hero! Spiff shifts into reverse! I'm getting sick.
+19860801 Whack! Tell me this isn't a spitball!!
+19860802 Hobbes, quick! How do I stop?!? Steer into a gravel driveway and fall down! Skrunch! That was only a suggestion.
+19860803 Boy, it's quiet around here today! Too quiet! Ha ha! Gotcha! Hey! ... rrrrrr ... squeak. Whoosh! Ha ha! Gotcha back! Hey! Sploosh! A water balloon! That dirty tiger escalated the war! This calls for supreme retaliation! I'll get him with the garden hose! Nothing can beat a hose for sheer volume of water! ... unless, of course, he went so far as to ...
+19860804 Look at that thing in the dirt! It must be a fossil! I wonder what peculiar animal this was. But it's not a bone. It must be some primitive hunting weapon or eating utensil for cave men. Maybe it had some religious function. This explains why your clothes stay on the floor.
+19860805 Making a sign? I'm declaring the creek back in the woods "Calvin's creek." When you discover something, you're allowed to name it and put up a sign. But suppose you didn't discover that creek. Of course I did! Nobody else has a sign there, right?
+19860806 Can Hobbes and I go play in the rain, Mom? No. why not? You'll get soaked. What's wrong with that? You could catch pneumonia, run up a terrible hospital bill, linger a few months, and die. I always forget. If you ask a mom, you get a worse-case scenario. I had no idea these little showers were so dangerous.
+19860807 Want to go spelunking with me? Spelunking? There aren't any caves around here! You don't need a cave. All you need is a rock. Spelunk!
+19860808 Well dad, off to work? Too bad I'm on summer vacation, so I get to stay home and do whatever I want. Well, go off and join the rat race! Mom and I are racking up lots of expenses! Oog. I just do that to help him appreciate the weekends more.
+19860809 Hot day, isn't it? I'll say. But it's the humidity that really gets to me. You don't like it when it's humid? Not at all. Then you'd better get out quick.
+19860810 Go on "three" ok? One ... Two ... Two and a half ... Ready ... Set ... Go! Pit Pat Pit Pat Pit Pat Pit Pat. Pittida Dittida Pittida Dittida. Chooga Chooga Chooga. Eeewyeeowww. Gasp. I can't believe it! No sonic boom! Not even a 'pop'! I heard a pop. But I think it was my lungs.
+19860811 What's for dinner? Salmon. Salmon?! Blecchh!! Calvin, one of these days your face is going to freeze like that. Wow!
+19860812 Hi, Hobbes! Good heavens, what's wrong with you? Mom said if I keep making this face, it will freeze like this forever! You really think so? It's worth a try ... I'll bet my features are hardening already. I always liked gargoyles.
+19860813 Don't make faces at the table, Calvin. I can't help it. Mom said my face would freeze like this some day, and it just did. No, it didn't. it did, dad! Mom was right, I'm horribly disfigured for life. No, you aren't. but don't worry, I won't spoil dinner. See? Elephant man!
+19860814 Here comes Susie. Ha! Won't she be horrified to see how our faces have tragically frozen! Hi, Susie. Hi, Calvin. What did you do, get your head stuck in a blender? It's an improvement.
+19860815 Are the coals hot? Yes, they're very hot I'm just about to put on the hamburgers. Before you do, could you toss in the can of lighter fluid and make a giant fireball? I've got the most boring dad in the world.
+19860816 With these snorkels, we can stay under the water indefinitely. Just think of all the fish we'll be able to see! We can collect shells! Let's go! We'll so far, this has been a major disappointment.
+19860817 You know, Dad. It disturbs me that this wagon has no seat belts and wouldn't survive a 30 MPH impact with a stationary object. Um ... why do you bring this up? Oh, no reason. Want to help me test the theory of relativity? Sure. The idea is that the faster we go, the slower time goes. Gotcha. It's 10:23. What time is it now? 10:24. Go faster. We're going pretty fast! What time is it? 10:25, time still hasn't stopped. Has time stopped now? No, just my heart. Well, it looks like Einstein's a fraud, wouldn't you say? No, he's right! Look, my watch isn't going at all any more!!
+19860818 "Add two eggs and stir". Right. The recipe says it makes twenty pancakes, so we'll each get ten. Nah, that's too much trouble. We'll just make one big pancake and cut it in half.
+19860819 Dad, I want a bedime story! I'm busy, Calvin, I'll read you one tomorrow. If you don't read me a story, I won't go to bed! Once upon a time there was a boy named Calvin, who always wanted things his way. One day his dad got sick of it and locked him in the basement for the rest of his life. Everyone else lived happily ever after. The end. I don't like these stories with morals.
+19860820 Dinner's ready, Calvin. Come to the table. I'm watching television. No, you're not! Yes, I am. I'm right here in front of it! No you're not! Oh that's right. I'm at the table.
+19860821 I saw a turtle down by the creek. Big deal! Who cares? I've seen hundreds of turtles! Probably millions! Who wants to see another dumb ol' turtle? Ha!
+19860822 Can I ride in a grocery cart? I think you're a little big for that now. Please?? All right. Up you go. Oh boy! Now run down the aisle and let go!
+19860823 Aawweeawweeaaw! The water looked a little cold, eh, Tarzan?
+19860824 Wanna toss the ol' pigskin around? Heck no. Phooey. The center snaps the ball! The quarterback looks for an opening! The defense disintegrates beneath the coming onslaught! The quarterback jumps and dodges! Hobbes breaks clear! Calvin passes! An amazing catch! Hobbes is at the 30 ... the 20 ... the 10 ... but he's tackled from behind and laterals to Calvin so he can make the touchdown! But Calvin fumbles the ball and Hobbes recovers it! But a penalty is called on the play and Hobbes is sent to the bench! Hobbes defects to the other team and is greeted with enthusiastic cheers! The crowd goes wild! Calvin prepares to cripple the traitor with an illegal face mask pull! Hobbes defies him by pouring out of his mouth guard onto Calvin helmet! Boy, you can see why football is such a violent game! Hobbes' team gains a yard! All the cheerleaders come out for smooches!!
+19860825 I think I'm using too strong a sun screen.
+19860826 Fishing is the most boring sport in the world. We've been sitting here for twenty minutes and not one thing has happened! Waaughh!
+19860827 You're on my half of the bed! Move over! Your side is way over there! Give me back those covers! Calvin, be quiet and go to sleep!! You heard Dad. He said to get on your side and leave the covers alone. That's not what he said! Hey! You stole my pillow! This lumpy one is yours!
+19860828 With a drink of magic elixir, Calvin turns himself invisible. Completely transparent, he roams undetected! Calvin? Boy, as soon as you want something done around here, that kid's nowhere to be seen.
+19860829 Ha ha! I have turned myself invisible! By removing my clothing, I can perpetrate any crime undetected! I have complete freedom! I can get away with anything! Calvin! What on earth are you doing in the cookie jar without your clothes on?!?
+19860830 Your polls are slipping Dad. Better get with it. Calvin, being your Dad is not an elected position. I don't have to respond to pools. Not elected? You mean you can govern with dictatorial impunity? Exactly. In short, open revolt and exile is the only hope for change? I don't like the direction this conversation is taking.
+19860831 Gravity is arbitrary! Calvin wakes up one day to find he is immune to the force of gravity. He hangs on to the ground for dear life, but his grip is weakening! He can't hold on! He ... he let's go! Aaaaa. Higher and higher, as upward he falls! Only by grabbing the tail pin of a passing jet does Calvin save himself from being hurled out into space! No, no, let him finish. This is very interesting, so after you landed in Phoenix, what happened? Well, I don't care. I'm not sewing velcro on the outside of all his clothes. Well, about then my gravity came back, so I ...
+19860901 I'm going to learn how to ride this bicycle even if it kills me. Ok, you can let go ... aaugh! Did it kill you? Not yet. It's decided to maim me first.
+19860902 They say once you learn how to ride a bicycle, you never forget. That doesn't surprise me. Waarrgh! It works on the same principle as electroshock therapy.
+19860903 Easy ... easy ... hold it still ... there! Look! I did it! I'm balancing! That's good. Do you want to try it with the kickstand up?
+19860904 Crash! It jumped me!!
+19860905 Look, there's a frog! C'mon, let's catch it! I'm not getting near it. Why not? They drink water all day just in case someone picks them up.
+19860906 I'm going to hang around the drugstore all afternoon and eat candy and read comic books! Oh, no, you're not! Why not?! Because I'm your mother and I said so. Get back in here. And you can stop goose-stepping around the house!
+19860907 Do you think boogeymen really exist? I don't know. ... but if they do, I'm sure this is where they live. That was the creepiest campfire story I've ever heard. Let's get back to the tent! I don't think I'll ever sleep again. Shh! What? Did you hear something?? Didn't you? I don't know. What did it sound like? Sort of like breathing and drooling and ripping the meat off human bones. Yaahhhh. You were right. I'm glad we carried a generator all this distance.
+19860908 Hey, Mom. Can we go out for pizza tonight? No, we had pizza last night, and besides, it's too expensive to eat out all the time. Oh, you'd rather blow the evening cooking and washing dishes than spend a few bucks? It seems like we go out for pizza a lot these days. If you'd rather fix a dish of cereal at home be my guest. Hobbes wants triple anchovies.
+19860909 Calvin and his trusty navigator Hobbes roar down the residential road at 90 MPH! Hobbes puts on the turn signal. Faster and faster they go! A busload of school children dives from the sidewalk! Hobbes puts on the windshield wipers. The police are after them! Calvin crawls down to put in the clutch and shift! Hobbes steers and blows the horn! All right, I'm back already! Can't I even run an errand without you blowing the horn across the parking lot?! It was Hobbes, Mom, not me.
+19860910 See any UFOs? Not yet. Well, keep your eyes peeled. They're bound to land here sooner or later. What will we do when they come? See if we can smell Mom and Dad into slavery for a star cruiser.
+19860911 Z. Yawn! Ta daa! Sheesh.
+19860912 Calvin, I don't want you up in that ree. Why not? Some of the branches are dead and they might break. Come on down. Mom spoils everything. This isn't quite the same, is it?
+19860913 Gloonk! Gloonk! Calvin, drink your milk in little sips!
+19860914 Spaceman Spiff is hit! He's going down! Fortunately, our hero always buckles up! The fearless Spaceman Spiff has crashed on a distant world! The planet's atmosphere is thick with noxious fumes and gases! Our hero can hardly breathe. Spiff must find help quickly ... but is there any life on this hostile world? His question is answered when a hideous blob of of gelatinous muck oozes out of a crevice toward him! Spiff's blaster is useless against the slime! Our hero tries to escape, but the suffocating stench envelops him! What a disgusting fate! Yechh! I sure wish I'd brought my lunch today! That's gross, Calvin! If you don't like the cafeteria's tapioca, just leave it alone!
+19860915 Summer vacations over! Nothing ahead but toil and drudgery for a whole year! Oh, come on, you spent half the summer complaining how bored you were. I did? You did. How strange. I must have been delirious from having so much fun.
+19860916 I can't believe it! Homework already! I just got back to school! I have to write a paragraph on what I did over the summer! A whole paragraph!! I'll never be able to write that much! It's not fair!! How's it coming? Not so good. What did you do besides watch TV?
+19860917 In soccer, you can't touch the ball with your hands or arms. See, you can use any other part of your body ... even your head! Yeah, but your face?? Doesn't that that hurt? Rrrrghh! That's not what I meant to do!
+19860918 I have a hypothetical question. Suppose a kid at school called me a nasty name ... should I kick him real hard in the shins? No, I don't think violence would be justified. Here's another hypothetical question. What if I already did?
+19860919 I've decided to grow a beard Mom. A long beard like the guys in ZZ Top. That's nice Calvin. You go ahead and do that. I thought she'd put up more of a fuss than that.
+19860920 How about these pants, Mom? Can I get these? Good heavens, look at the price! I don't have pants that cost this much! And you'll grow right out of these! Honestly, why would any kid need designer clothes?? "Babes." Babes, Mom. I gotta look cool.
+19860921 Don't turn out the light Dad! You didn't check under the bed for monsters! I'm sure there are no monsters under your bed, go to sleep. Good night. Good-bye. Any monsters under my bed tonight? There's no answer. Do you think they're gone? Maybe they're just staying queit. Keep watch over the side of the bed. Boy, am I full! I must've gained ten pounds today! Maybe I'm getting a little plump! You're bigger, Calvin, but there's no fat on you! I guess you're right. I'm getting big, but I'm still nice and lean! Ugh. Something under the bed is drooling. Start tying the sheets together. We'll go out the window.
+19860922 Pay up, squirt. Forget it Moe. I'm not giving you the money. In fact, I don't even have any. Gee, that's too bad. Oh wait, yes, I do! Here. For a kid with a monosyllabic vocabulary, he's awfully persuasive.
+19860923 Ok, Hobbes, here's the plan to put Moe out of commission. You come to school with me, and when Moe comes to steal my money, you jump out and eat him! Eat him?? I couldn't do that! Sure you could! What's wrong with that?! Fat kids are high in cholesterol. Well, just chew him up and spit him out, I don't care!!
+19860924 If that bully is extorting money, I'm going to call the school and put an end to it. Don't do that! If Moe finds out I squealed, I'm a goner! This kid can't get away with stealing, Calvin. Somebody's got to do something. Here's a list of what I'm wearing. See you at the morgue.
+19860925 Hey, Twinkie, here's the 2 cents I "borrowed" from you the other day. Somebody ratted on me, and it's gonna be a dark day if I ever find out who! I think I'll use the quarter to call my insurance agent.
+19860926 Hi, Dad, it's me! Calvin, is this important? I'm very busy this morning. I'll make it fast, Dad. Can you pick up some topsoil and grass seed on your way home? Ok. Sure. Goodbye.
+19860927 Ring Ring. Hello, Calvin speaking. I'd like to order a large anchovy pizza. What? I ... ?? oh, I'm sorry. You must have dialed the wrong number. Goodbye. I try to make everyone's day a little more surreal.
+19860928 Quit squirming, Calvin. You've got ice cream all over your shirt. Rats, I was saving it for later. Thanks for the ice cream, Dad. It was great. You're welcome. I'm tired of pulling you. It's my turn to ride. Your Dad didn't get me any ice cream, so I get to ride both ways. No, you don't! Dad said tigers don't like ice cream! It's my turn to ride! Tigers don't know if they like ice cream until they try every kind. I'm not pulling. I've got news, fuzz brain. I'm not pulling either! Well, then, I guess we'll both just sit here until we die. Why do these "walks" always end up as "rides"? oh, you need the exercise more anyway.
+19860929 What are you doing? Being "cool." You look more like you're being bored. The world bores you when you're cool.
+19860930 Look, I brought a sombrero! Now we can both be "cool." A sombrero? Are you crazy?! Cool people don't wear sombreros! Nobody wears sombreros! What fun is it being "cool" if you can't wear a sombrero?
+19861001 I'm back. See. I put on some Mickey Mouse pants! I'll be "cool" in these, boy. Just look at these big yellow buttons! Mickey Mouse pants?!? You don't look cool! You look like an idiot! Hmph! Maybe I'm new wave. Maybe you're just stupid.
+19861002 Here comes Susie. I'm going to throw a pine cone at her. Wwhippp. Pow!
+19861003 Yahh! Oof! Grrr! Rgh! Rr! Rrr! Uh! Uh! Rrr! Umph! Touchdown! Let's play something else.
+19861004 Are there any monsters under my bed tonight? No. Nope. No. If there were any monsters under my bed, how big would they be? Very small. Go to sleep. Momm!
+19861005 I'm hungry, when's lunch? Right now. Hi, Susie! Oh look, you've got your stuffed tiger! Can I squeeze him? What are you crazy? Hobbes is a ferocious man-eating jungle beast! Ferocious? He looks fuzzy and cuddly to me! Ha! Beneath that soft exterior lie terrible mandibles of bone crushing death! He'll grind you into hamburger! Each mighty paw hides razor-sharp claws to rip the living hide off any human that wanders too close! He's a monster! No, he's not. He's a big cutie. Oh no! I can't look!! ... so what happened to the mandibles of death. You sissy furball?!? I was beguiled by her feminine charms. Yow. Go soak your head.
+19861006 With great effort, Calvin the human insect advances the paper in the typewriter. His only hope for proper medical treatment lies in his ability to write a legible message to his family! He craws to each key and jumps! Who wrote "Help I'm a bug" on my letter to Grandma? Evidently some bug. How strange.
+19861007 Back and forth. Back and forth. Tidal wave! Beats me, Mom. Maybe the seal around the tub leaks.
+19861008 What's this music? It's "The 1812 Overture." I kinda like it. Interesting percussion section. Those are the cannons. And they perform in crowded concert halls?? Gee. I thought classical music was boring!
+19861009 Boy, what a day! I went to school. Played outside, and did my homework. I'm exhausted. You know what time it is now? Uh, 7:35. It's Miller time. Get back here.
+19861010 Psst ... Susie! What's 12 + 7? A billion. Thanks! Wait a minute. That can't be right ... that's what she said 3+4 was.
+19861011 I just read this great science fiction story. It's about how machines take control of humans and turn them into zombie slaves! So instead of us controlling machines, they control us? Pretty scary idea. I'll say, hey! What time is it?? My TV show is on!
+19861012 Were there dinosaurs when you were a kid, dad? Oh sure! Your grandfather and I used to put on our leopard skins and hunt Brontosaurus for all the clan rituals. Listen, buster, I think Calvin's grades are bad enough already, don't you? The horrifying Tyrannosaurus lumbers across the prehistoric valley. The mighty dinosaur is a walking death machine! Only one other creature dares to challenge the terrible Tyrannosaurus! ... the savage Saber-Toothed Tiger! Gg mmf yow gzzzz mkn gbzz, yow. Wake up! The meek Tyrannosaurus victim of an innocent misunderstanding, tears like heck across the prehistoric valley.
+19861013 Tomorrow we're going to discuss "current events" in school. Each of us has to find a newspaper article, read it to the class, and explain it. What article did you choose? This one. "Space alien weds two-headed Elvis clone." Actually, there's not much left to explain.
+19861014 Look what you can do with big socks! Just put one over each ear and one over your nose. An elephant! Ha ha! I want some socks too! If I miss the bus. It's going to be unpleasant around here!
+19861015 Calvin, how did you break this dish! I was carrying too much and it dropped. Your problem is you've got no common sense. I've got plenty of common sense! I just choose to ignore it.
+19861016 I don't understand this business about death. If we're just going to die. What's the point of living? Well, there's seafood. I don't know why I even talk to you before dinner.
+19861017 I've decided I want to be a millionaire when I grow up. Well, you'll have to work pretty hard to get a million dollars. No, I won't you will. Me? I just wan to inherit it.
+19861018 The worst part about going to school is waiting for the bus. All you can do is stand here and imagine what's going to go wrong during the day. I bet we have a pop math quiz or something. Well, here comes the bus. Thanks for waiting with me. My pleasure. Boy, my lunch box seems light.
+19861019 Now where did all the bed pillows go? This is gonna be soft! Krunch! Hey, Hobbes! C'mon and jump in the leaves! It's fun! I don't know sometimes slugs hide under leaves. No they don't. Do they? Slugs? Ugh, just imagine one of those slimy muckballs slipping up your pant leg! There might be dozens in there! There might? Aack ick ooh yecch! That's the problem with nature. Something's always stinging you or oozing mucous on you. Let's go watch TV. Is it 3 o'clock yet? We can watch "The Blob"!
+19861020 As you can see, Spaceman Spiff, we have ways of extracting information from even the most uncooperative prisoners! Our hero, captured by Zorkons, eyes the diabolical instruments of torture! Very amusing. You twisted space frog. What's this fiendish device called? A chin-up bar. Get on it. Spiff readies his daring escape.
+19861021 Where's my jacket? It's right on the floor where you left it. It's still on the floor? Why didn't you put it away? Gee, my own copy of the emancipation proclamation.
+19861022 Look, I can make shadows on the wall here's a dog. Hey, that's good! Here's a swan. Hmm ... that looks more like some bug eyed tentacled thing. Mommm!
+19861023 Ah ... Ah ... Ah ... Ah ...kbthchh! Why'd you hold it in? I'm trying to blow my shoes off.
+19861024 It says on the back of this record that the composer could play the piano at age three. He wrote his first symphony when he was four. That's amazing. When I was four, I think I was toilet trained.
+19861025 I'm done with my homework! I'm going outside to play! I've got my jacket! I'm leaving now! ... further bulletins as events warrant!
+19861026 ... so if you capture the other guy's flag and make it back to your territory, you win. Win what? The game. No luggage? No toaster oven? Hey, you can't hide your flag in a tree! It's too hard to capture! That's not a rule. I can hide my flag anywhere! Well, it's a rule now! From now on, no flags in trees! Ok, but I just tagged you, so you have to go to jail. What?? It's a time out! I was making a new rule! You didn't officially call a time out. Off to jail with you! Forget it! From now on, if you are discussing a new rule, it's automatically a time out. Ok, time in! Tag! You can't do that! We have to say "time in" together! Since when?? You're just changing rules so you'll win! I am not! I'm just trying to keep you from cheating! Just a minute. Muffin head. Are you calling me a cheater? Who's a muffin head! Yowp! Arrgh! Oatmeal face! Strudel brain! Mom says we should take up Monopoly. No way, buster. I know all about those "interest free bank loans" to yourself!
+19861027 Look mom. I put all my clothes for tomorrow on the stairs. Then in the morning I'll run out in my underwear and slide down at top speed! If I aim good, I go right into my pants while I'm putting on my shirt, and by the bottom, I'm all dressed for school. And if you put my cereal on the stairs too, I won't have to get up until 30 seconds before the bus comes. Forget it Calvin.
+19861028 Ack. Igg. Look, mom, I've got rabies. Go spit out your toothpaste and stop being silly. Maybe dad will fall for it if I bite him first.
+19861029 What are you going to dress up as for Halloween? I don't know yet, I can't decide. Well, the idea is to be the scariest thing you can think of. Hmm ... maybe I'll just go as myself! I'm going as a barrel of toxic waste!
+19861030 We're going to carve a Jack-O'lantern now. See, we'll make a face on this pumpkin so it will look like a head. But first we have to open up the top and scoop out the glop inside. Ok Jack, time for your lobotomy!! Hand me a big spoon. Will you Hobbes? Ugh? No anesthetic even.
+19861031 I think Dad likes Halloween as much as we do. Is he taking us trick or treating tonight? No, Mom is. Is he going to stay home and give out candy? No, he's going to sit in the bushes with the garden hose and drench potential t'pers.
+19861101 Oog. I feel awful. If someone even mentions "Milk Duds." I'm going to barf. Another Halloween come and gone. It's always such a letdown after a holiday. We might as well go into town and look at the Christmas decorations.
+19861102 Enemy sighted! Battle stations! Battle stations! Alert! Ahwooga! Here's the mighty aircraft carrier! Equipped with the latest radar and firepower. It is virtually unsinkable! I know what can sink it. Yeah? What? A cannonball depth charge!! Oh no! Pfoom! Ha ha! That was great! You emptied the whole tub! Turn on the water and let's do it again! We seem to have a waterfall down the stairway dear. I'll go see what your kid is doing. My did?!? C'mere and let me explain something to you ...
+19861103 Mom's not feeling well. So I'm making here a "Get Well" card. That's thoughtful of you. See, on the front it says "Get Well Soon." And on the inside it says, "Because my bed isn't made, my clothes need to be put away, and I'm hungry. Love, Calvin." Want to sign it? Sure. I'm hungry too.
+19861104 Hi, Mom! Since you're sick. I'm bringing you breakfast in bed! I prepared eggs, toast and orange juice for you all by myself! How nice! The eggs kind of burned and stuck to the pan, but you can probably chip them out with this chisel. Um ... where is the toast and orange juice? Dad said not to tell you about that till your better.
+19861105 Since your Mom's sick. I'll be making dinner tonight. You can cook? As you can see, I survived two years of my own cooking when I had an apartment after college. Mom says you ate frozen waffles and canned soup three meals a day. Your Mom wasn't there, so she wouldn't know. Get the syrup out, will you?
+19861106 Sometimes when I'm sick, you read me a story want me to read you one? No, thanks, Calvin. I just want to rest. It's hard to be a Mom for a Mom. You do fine, sweetie. Whoa! Hey! Are you contagious?!
+19861107 What's wrong with your Mom, do you know? No, she went to the doctor today though. I wonder if ... nah. What? You don't suppose she's going to have a baby, do you? A baby?!? Why would she want another kid?? She's already got me! Yes. You'd think she'd have learned her lesson ...
+19861108 I asked dad if mom was going to have a baby, and he said not that he knew of. Dad said we'd know if mom was having a kid because she'd look like a hippopotamus with a gland problem. ... that's when Mom creamed him with her pillow. Dad says she must be feeling better. You have weird parents.
+19861109 Bang! Kapwinngg! Bang bang! You missed! You missed! There he goes! After him boys! Giddyap! Giddyap! Ambush! Bang! Bang! Yow! Whoop! Bang! Gotcha! Noyadidnt! Noyadidnt! Calvin, will you please stop tearing around the house?! You're driving me crazy! You said we couldn't go outside because it's raining. Boy, that sure worked. We're not allowed back in until when?
+19861110 Hey, Mom, I got a part in the class play! I get to say a line and everything! That's wonderful Calvin. It's a great dramatic role! My character will have everyone in tears at the end of the second act! What's the play? "Nutrition and the four food groups." I'm an onion.
+19861111 Ok, Hobbes. I need you to help me memorize my line for the play. Sure. I'm the onion, and I say "In addition to supplying vital nutrients, many vegetables are a source of dietary fiber." Ok, ready? Ready. Go ahead. "In addition ..." wait. Hold it. I'm not in character yet. What motivates an onion? Fame. I suppose this could be a big break.
+19861112 Ok. You be "Bread". Prompt me. "Glucose is the body's main energy source!" "In addition ... " uh ... um ... "In addition ... " um ... wait. Grrrgh! I hate this play! I'll never be able to learn this stupid part! Well, your emoting is down pat.
+19861113 I've got it all figured out Hobbes. This play will be no sweat. You have your line all memorized? No. I thought I'd come out. Do a little soft-shoe and adlib something! Adlib something about dietary fiber? Either that, or I'll do my onion in mime!
+19861114 How's my onion costume coming, Mom? I'm still working on it. I wish your class would do something a little less elaborate. I'm not much of a seamstress. Just be glad I'm not Russy White, he has to be an amino acid. Mm ... what do you think? Jabba the Hutt meets Rudolf the Reindeer. I dunno Mom.
+19861115 Are you going to come to my play dad? It's called "Nutrition and the Four Food Groups." I'll probably have to work Calvin. But Dad. It'll be great drama! I'm an onion! Well why don't you say your line for me now? Ok! Um ... let's see ... "In addition to ... " ... uh ... hold it ... um. 2kids in food suits forgetting their lines. I'll definitely be at work. Dear! Calvin's worked hard. Ok, uh ... "In addtion ..." uh ... no wait ... um.
+19861116 Zip zop Zip zop Zip zop Zip zop Zip zop Zip zop. Snow pants. Well? Let's have some snow!! It's snowing! I can make it snow! I'm psychokinetic! Hey! Hey! Ohh, he's going to hate me for this.
+19861117 Do you have your line memorized for the nutrition play, Calvin? I'm still learning it, being an onion is a difficult role you know. What are you? I'm "Fat." No, I mean in the play. Anyone else want to say it?!? Aackk! Understudy! Understudy!
+19861118 Thanks for waiting for the bus with me Hobbes. I feel like an idiot in this onion suit. I'll be lad when this stupid play is over. Oh no! Run for your life! A produce truck! ... just kidding!
+19861119 Susie, where's Calvin? He goes onstage right after you! I don't know Miss Wormwood. He was here a minute ago. Maybe he went to the boys room. He's on in two minutes! Fine time to go to the boys room! Fine time to get stuck in my costume stupid zipper!
+19861120 I can't believe it! I'm stuck in my onion suit! I can't go onstage with my shirt caught in my costume! Help! Help! I'm supposed to be on now! I'm supposed to be saying my line! What should I do?? What should I do?? "In addition to supplying vital nutrients, many vegetables are a source of dietary fiber!!"
+19861121 I'm home! Hi, honey. How did your play go? Terrible. I got stuck in my zipper in the bathroom, and they had to stop the play and get a janitor to find me and get me out. Oh no. that's awful! I'll say. The play was ruined ... but I remembered my line!
+19861122 Up, up and away! Woomph! Ackk! Kryptonite! Kryptonite!
+19861123 Can Hobbes and I come in the store with you, Dad? No, you stay in the car. Sheesh. Knock over one lousy display stand, and pay for it the rest of your life. I'll just be a minute. Wait here. Ok. Let's hide and give Dad a scare! Maybe he'll think we ran away! Lie down and I'll pull this blanket over us. Then put this bag on top. Hee hee! I hear him coming! Sshhh! Hee hee! Gee, I wonder where Calvin went! And his tiger's gone too! Now's my chance to get away before they get back! Won't Mom be glad when she hears I lost htem! Mom won't be glad at all, you sicko! Sorry to spoil your getaway! What? You're here?? Oh rats ... I mean, good!
+19861124 Want to trade sandwiches, Calvin? No, I've got my favorite kind. What did you bring? Peanut butter. I have processed mouse loaf. Oh, gross. That's not really mouse loaf. It looks like egg salad. Taste it and see. Here. I think this is a whisker, it's good. Forget it. I don't even want my own lunch anymore. You don't? what kind of cookies are those?
+19861125 Ta-daaa!!
+19861126 How do they know the load limit on bridges Dad? They drive bigger and bigger trucks over the bridge until it breaks. Then they weigh the last truck and rebuild the bridge. Oh. I should've guessed. Dear, if you don't know the answer. Just tell him!
+19861127 It's hard to believe people still starve in this world. There's even hunger in America. Some people never get enough to eat. Boy, I know what that's like! No you don't.
+19861128 The soldiers advance up the hill! Oh, no! a squadron of bombers appears on the horizon! The bombs begin to fall! Bonk bonk. Two direct hits! I see you up there!
+19861129 Look, Hobbes, you get a plastic trinket in boxes of "Chocolate-Frosted Sugar Bombs"! It says, "Be the first in your neighborhood to collect all ten colors." Yeah, but Mom says she won't buy any more cereal until this box is gone. That shouldn't take more than a couple of hours, right? I dunno after five bowls, I get pretty wired.
+19861130 A brilliant bolt of deadly frap ray blazes by the intrepid Spaceman Spiff! Our hero has very high insurance premiums. The courageous Spaceman Spiff is hit! He plummets toward planet Zog! Breaking through the cloud layer, he careens over an alien city! There's no place to land! Spiff wrestles the uncooperative controls! More freem drive to the thuster busters! Too much stress! The fuel explodes in flame! The situation is grim! Ten seconds to impact! Nine ... eight ... Well Calvin?? Seven! Very good Calvin. Ten minus three equals seven. I didn't think you were paying attention. That question was worth three points. Our hero miraculously makes a three-point landing. Spiff saves the day again!
+19861201 Calvin, your dad and I are going out tomorrow. So you'll be having a baby sitter. Oh no! not Rosalyn! I called eight people and she's the only one who would do it. Call some more! Call some more! Calvin, I spent half an hour on the phone already. Rosalyn's fine. "Fine"?? she's a barracuda in a high school senior suit! I'm as good as dead! You remember Amy? She just laughed when I called her.
+19861202 Oh no! A knock at the door! The baby sitter must be here! Should we hide? No way. Baby sitters can smell fear in little kids. We'd be doomed. So we go on the offensive? Right. Here's a notepad and pencil. Oh boy, blackmail! Right, get to the upstairs phone when she calls her boyfriend.
+19861203 We're going Rosalyn. Help yourself to anything in the fridge. Ok, good-bye. Calvin? Are you upstairs? Wap wap. All right, kid! Bedtime for Bonzo!! What?! Get away! It's not even 6 o'clock!
+19861204 I can't believe our baby sitter put us to bed! It's not even dark out! Well, she can put us to bed, but she can't make us sleep. You play the horn, and I'll accompany on tom-tom. Calvin, I just wanted to remind you that sleeping in a bed is a privilege. The basement is sure to be a lot less comfy. What did she mean "the basement"? Shhh!
+19861205 Rosalyn, we're going to be a little later than we expected, so I thought I'd better call you. That's fine. Calvin went to bed early, so I'm just holding down the fort. Who's on the phone? Is it my Mom? I want to talk to her! Mom! Mom! Can you hear me?! Come home now before it's too late! Help! Help! No, that's just the tv. I'll see you at 11:30 then. Enjoy the play.
+19861206 Sorry we're late, Rosalyn. Did you get Calvin to bed? Yes, but ... Mom! Dad! Is that you? I'm not asleep! Did you get rid of the baby sitter? Thank goodness you're home! Has he been this way all night? Well, his voice gave out about 11 o'clock but it seems to be If she's still here, don't pay her! Give her a little extra, will you dear? Is five enough? Could you make it eight? College tuition's are up.
+19861207 I'm ready for bed, Dad. What's tonight's story going to be? Here's one, "Readings on Dialectical Metaphysics." You'll love it. Forget it Dad. You can't get me to drop off that easy. Will you read us this story? Hobbes wrote it himself. Hobbes wrote it, huh? "Goldilocks and the three tigers." Oh boy, this is gonna be great! "Once upon a time there lived a young girl named Goldilocks. She went into the forest and saw a cottage. No one was home so she went in. Inside she saw three bowls of porridge. A big bowl, a medium bowl, and a small bowl. She was just about to taste the porridge when the three tigers came home. They quickly divided Goldilocks into big, medium, and small pieces and dunked them in the porridge that ..." Calvin, I'm not going to finish this! This is disgusting!! I don't know why I let you talk to me into this. Good night! Click. He didn't even look at our illustrations. Now I'm all hungry.
+19861208 What a rotten day. Zz ... mmp ... bgz ... ahhhhh ... gnz ... hee hee ... zzz ... Fuzz therapy. Zzz ... nuk nuk ... woonk ...
+19861209 Hello Susie. This is Calvin. I lost our homework assignment, can you tell me what we were supposed to read for tomorrow? Are you sure you're not calling for some other reason? Why else would I call you? Maybe you missed the melodious sound of my voice. What are you, crazy?? All I want is the stupid assignment. First say you missed the melodious sound of my voice. This is blackmail!
+19861210 I'm home from school! Oof! Helloooo. Bonk bing boing. How's that for an enthusiastic greeting?? Sometimes I wish you'd just buy me one of those "I missed you" cards.
+19861211 I've got a great idea for school tomorrow. I cut a ping-pong ball in half, and now I'm drawing dots on each end. I'll just put one over each eye, and it will look like I'm really paying attention. Or will I look too interested? I doubt it. I'm over here.
+19861212 Bad news on your polls Dad. You slipped another two notches. Things are looking grim for future office. Is that so? Any ideas on what would improve my standings? I need a VCR. Right, I'll keep that in mind. I hope you're reading the "Help Wanted Section."
+19861213 Look, I got a letter I'm supposed to copy and send to 20 people for good luck. It's a chain letter. It says, "A man in Denver made 20 copies and the next day he got a raise. A man in Seattle broke the chain and he went bald." Ha! You believe that? These letters are for superstitious nincompoops. Throw it away. "... and a dumb kid like you listened to a friend and got run over by a cement mixer."
+19861214 I spelled "Be" how many points do I get? Um ... 2 points. 2 points?! Is that @*#%! all?? My, this game does teach new words! See, I spelled "zygomorphic" on a triple word score box. That's 150 points. All I've got is consonants. Your turn. Well, if I use your letter "I" I can spell "in". That's 3 points. I pick out some new letters ... hmm ... with your "n", I can spell "nucleoplasm" that's, lets see, 40 points. All I've got is consonants. I'm not going to play this stupid game! I hate it!! What a waste of time! What should we play instead? Let's play poker. At least with cards you have half a chance. Ok, I bet a nickel. I'll see you ... and raise you 8 dollars.
+19861215 Calvin has mysteriously shrunk to the size of an insect! His only hope is to call for help! Pushing with all his might, Calvin dials the gigantic telephone. It's ringing! He runs to the mouthpiece! Will anyone be able to hear him?? Bzz bz! Bzzzz! Bzz bz! Bzz bz! Calvin, this had better not be you.
+19861216 Fwooshhh. Greetings earth female. Do not be alarmed. Our planet is dying. We need cookies to survive. Do not try to resist or you will be destroyed. We'll see about that. Get back here.
+19861217 This Ouija board knows all and tells all. What should we ask it? Let's ask it which of us is smarter. Ok, go ahead. Oh great Ouija board. Who is smarter, Calvin or Hobbes? Quit resisting you! It's heading for the "H"! Ha! It's obviously trying to (mmf) go to "C", you cheater!
+19861218 Let's ask the Ouija board another question. Ok, I've got one. Oh great Ouija board, will I grow up to be president? It's moving! "G-O-D-F-O-R-B-I-D" When I want an editorial, I'll ask for it you stupid board!
+19861219 How is it that this Ouija board knows all the answers to life's mysteries? Let's ask it. Oh great Ouija board. How do you know all the answers? It's moving! It's moving! What's it say? "3" You know, I didn't ask for this last Christmas. I asked for a computer.
+19861220 Why do I have to go to bed now? I never get to do what I want! If I grow up to be some sort of psychopath because of this, you'll all be sorry!! Nobody ever became a psychopath because he had to go to bed at a reasonable hour. Yeah, but you won't let me chew tobacco either! You never know what might push me over the brink! Go to bed Calvin.
+19861221 Run! Aiee! Look out! I wonder why Japanese people keep moving their moths after they're through talking. Somewhere in the Pacific Ocean ... an undersea nuclear explosion awakens a giant prehistoric monster! It makes its way to the coast of Japan and emerges! Yaarghhh. He heads for the power lines, leaving a trail of destruction behind. Calvin, get back in the tub! You're making a mess! His ancient arch-rival Megalon! He spews a mighty fireball! Aauughh! Tokyo is in ruins! Megalon vanquished! He returns to the sea from whence he came! No more afternoon TV movies for you! ... Ever!!
+19861222 Oh boy, you got some clay. I'm making Mom and Dad a Christmas present. What are you making? An ashtray. Your parents don't smoke. Of course ... ok Michalengelo, you sculpt something!
+19861223 A homemade gift says more than a store-bought gift. It says you care enough to invest your time and skill in it. It says this is a personal gift, not a generic one. It says you need a bigger allowance.
+19861224 This article says that many people find Christmas the most stressful time of the year. I believe it. This season sure fills me with stress. Really? How come? I hate being good.
+19861225 Psst! Are you awake? Is it Christmas? It is! It is! Let's go wake Mom and Dad and open all our loot! Since it's Christmas maybe we should let them sleep a little. That's long enough! Wake up! Wake up! It's Christmas!! Quarter to 6. He let us sleep in this year.
+19861226 Omigosh! This library book was due two days ago! What will they do? Are they going to interrogate me and beat me up?! Are they going to break my knees?? Will I have to sign some confession?? They'll fine you ten cents, now go return it. The way some of those librarians look at you. I naturally assumed the consequences would be more dire.
+19861227 Hey Dad, I have a question. Sure, Calvin. What do you want to know? If you plugged up your nose and mouth right before you sneezed ... would the sneeze go out your ears, or would your head explode? I was kind of hoping you had a math problem or something. ... either way. I'm scared to try it.
+19861228 Toboggans give better rides than runner sleds. Why is that? There's no way to steer. On these cloudy winter days, sometimes I like to lie back on my sled and look at the sky. It's just gray and silent. No birds singing or bugs buzzing. Everything is muffled by the snow. Imagine what it would be like without any people or houses around. It would be perfectly still. Pretty neat huh? Yes, very peaceful. I hate all that silence.
+19861229 Behold the dreaded toboggan: suicide sled. It's unique design sends a blinding spray of snow on it's passengers at the slightest bump. Note too, the lack of any steering mechanism. Yes, this sled is truly a hazard to life and limb. Wheee! Oomph!
+19861230 Boy, is it cold! Can't we turn the heat up? Heat is expensive Calvin. Just put on a sweater. Look, the thermostat goes all the way up to 90 degrees! We could be sitting around in our shorts. Leave the thermostat alone Calvin. I can almost see my breath. I'll just crank it up to 75, ok? I said don't touch it. Gee, my hands are so numb, I can't move the switch. Guess I'll put on a sweater.
+19861231 Ooh. You look cold Calvin! There's a fire made. Why don't you go warm up? Oh boy! Nothing beats sitting by a roaring fire after you've been out in the cold. Of course, some people say why bother going outside first?
+19870101 Calvin, I hope you took your boots off before you walked across the floor. Of course I did! You don't need to tell me all the time!
+19870102 Given any more thought to that backyard ski lift proposal of mine? Oh, yes. Lots.
+19870103 Hobbes is always a little loopy when he comes out of the dryer.
+19870104 What a day! And no one to share it with! Woo hoo hoo. It's cold out there today! Brrrr! Brisk! Just the way I like it! Wow! Sniff. Ha! Weather like this lets you know you're alive! C'mon out gang! It's a perfect day! You'll get used to the wind if you keep moving! Hey, C'mon! are you guys just going to stay inside all day?!? Shut the dumb door!! Ok, ok! I was on my way back outside anyway! ... sheesh ... there's one in every house. Just how long did you know Dad before you married him?
+19870105 Watcha doin'? I'm writing my autobiography. But you're just six years old. I've only got one sheet of paper.
+19870106 Hi, Hobbes. are you reading that book I gave you? Yes. It's very good. You like it? Sure, I think it's ... wait a minute. Would you mind writing it in two pages for me by tomorrow morning?
+19870107 Mom, was I adopted? No, why do you ask? Are you planning to put me to work in a cannery for fourteen hours a day when I turn seven? Of course not! You're not just fattening me up to eat me, are you? Good heavens, Calvin! Who put all these ridiculous ideas in your head?!? That's right. "Ridiculous ideas" she called them. Oh, sure, you think your mom's going to tell you?
+19870108 Whifffff whiff whiff whiff whiff whiff. For all that preparation you sure are a lousy shot.
+19870109 Go ahead down. You'll miss all those trees. You can do it. You'll stop before you go over that ledge at the bottom. You won't go into that pond. Besides, the ice is probably real thick anyway. Go ahead down. My brain is trying to kill me.
+19870110 Galosh. Galosh. Galosh.
+19870111 Boy, is this hill big! We'll have a good long ride down! Provided we improve our steering. Hobbes, do you think human nature is good or evil? Watch out for those trees. I mean, do you think people are basically good, with a few bad tendencies, or basically bad, with a few good tendencies? There's a rock up ahead! Look out! Or, as a third possibility. Do you think people are just crazy, and who knows why they do anything? Not so close to the ledge! Well? What do you think? Are people good, bad or crazy? Aughh! I can't look! Wump! You know, it's very rude of you to keep changing the subject after every sentence. I choose crazy.
+19870112 I called Susie a boogerbrain after school, and she went home crying. Goodness, why'd you do that? I dunno, I was just teasing. It sounds like you hurt her feelings. I didn't mean for her to take the insult personally!
+19870113 Sniff. That stupid Calvin. What does he call me names for no reason? It's just mean. I wish I had a hundred friends. Then I wouldn't care. I'd say, "Who needs you, Calvin? I've got a hundred other friends!" Then my hundred friends and I would go do something fun, and leave Calvin all alone! Ha! ... and as long as I'm dreaming, I'd like a pony.
+19870114 I feel bad that I called Susie names and hurt her feelings. I'm sorry I did it. Maybe you should apologize to her. I keep hoping there's a less obvious solution.
+19870115 Sticks and stones may break my bones. But words will never hurt me. Yeah, right.
+19870116 Um ... hi, Susie ... I ... uh ... well ... Get lost Calvin. You're mean. Don't walk away! I'm trying to apologize, you dumb noodleloaf! Slap!
+19870117 Susie, I'm sorry I called you names. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. Well, you did hurt my feelings. But I accept your apology. Thank you. Oh boy, thank goodness I got that over with! ... on second thought, let's see you grovel a little bit!
+19870118 Should I or shouldn't I? Too late! I did. Wap! Did you throw a snowball at me?! Me? A snowball? Did someone throw a snowball at you? Oh, don't play innocent with me, you liar! I know you threw that! Call me a liar. Will you? Well, it takes one to know one, Mr. Tapioca head! Ooh! An insult! I've been maligned! I'll never speak to you again! Hmph. Promises, promises! Oh yeah? Twbbthbpthh! Yeah! Thbthbbptb! Thbppbpth! Thbbth! This is you: aggle aggle aggle! Oh yeah? This is you: gakka wakka wakka! Calvin, time to come in! leave it to mom to interrupt our repartee. ... just when I had you wriggling in the crushing grip of reason too ...
+19870119 Hey, Hobbes, you got a letter. A letter? For me? Wow. I never get letters! What fun! A letter for me! I wonder who sent it? I wonder what it says? What could this possibly be? Open it and find out, you lunatic! Don't get huffy. I want to savor this.
+19870120 Well? Well? What'd you get? It looks like an invitation. An invitation? Who'd invite you anywhere? A lot of people, that's who, buster. There's obviously been some mistake, nobody invites a tiger anywhere. You can't get the insurance. Well somebody is inviting me somewhere. I got an invitation. Who? What's it say?? Read it already!! Probably some big state dinner. I hope I can find my cummerbund.
+19870121 So what does the invitation say, you dumb hairball? Call me names, will you? I'll read it when I'm good and ready. Aargghh! Oooohh! Mpf! Ggh! Rrgghghmfmff! Ok, now I'm ready ... ahem ... "Dear Hobbes." Faster!
+19870122 Well, well! It's an invitation to Susie Derkins' birthday party. How nice. Susie invited you? What about me? Does it say me too? No, it doesn't say anything about you. She must have mailed my invitation separately, she probably wanted to insure it so she'll know it didn't get lost. Sometimes those take longer. I'll have to sign for it and all. I'm sure she's taking no chances with mine. Oh wait. On the back it says, "You can bring that stupid kid you hang around with, if you must."
+19870123 We get to go to a birthday party! That stupid Susie. Balloons, cake, presents ... oh boy! She won't be getting a very big present from me, that's for sure. I bet we'll play games too! It will be fun! Hmph. Maybe we'll play "Spin the Bottle"! Oh get real!
+19870124 I'll make a list of possible gifts for Susie's birthday. What should we give her? how about a mouth full of broken teeth? That's what I'd like to give her. oh, don't be so cranky. I think we should get her a can of tuna fish. Tuna fish? Why would she want that? Well, maybe she wouldn't, and we could offer to take it back ... and borrow some bread, a little mayo ... right Hobbes.
+19870125 Ha ha! Your clever little strategy has tragically backfired! Look at this jump! Watch and weep, fuzz face! That's your move, right? I get to go now, right? It's too late for you to change your mind, right? Not so fast ... my hand's still on it. Jump, jump, jump! I win! You win?!? Aaugghh! You won last time! I hate it when you win! Aarrggh! Mff! Gnnk! I hate this game! I hate the whole world!! Aghhh! What a stupid game! You must have cheated! You must have used some sneaky, underhanded mind-meld to make me lose! I hate you! I didn't want to play this idiotic game in the first place! I know you'd cheat! I knew you'd win! Oh! Ooh! Aarg! Hack pant pant. Look, it's just a game. I know. You should see me when I loose in real life!
+19870126 Susie's house is the next one up. This is our last chance to not show up and have a new bike horn.
+19870127 Hi, Susie. Happy birthday! Hello, Calvin. Thanks for coming. Oh, look at your stuffed tiger! He's wearing a tie! He's just adorable! Ok, you were right. Girls flip for ties. You can stop winking at me. C'mon in.
+19870128 Ok, everyone. The idea of a scavenger hunt is to bring us back as many of these items as you can in half an hour. Let's go! Quick Hobbes, what's the first item? An old license plate. Great! I saw one on the way over! C'mon! good thing I always carry a Swiss army knife. Nobody's coming, right? Is this game legal?
+19870129 Here's a paper plate for the birthday cake, Calvin. Thank you. I hope it's good. I hate it when the birthday kid chooses something gross like coconut. You don't have to worry. It's chocolate. Oh, good. Did you see it? Hey! Who cut a piece of my cake already?! I didn't even get to blow out the candles!! It's nice and moist, too.
+19870130 Glad you both could come. Thank you for the nice present. Good-bye. Mom may not want this piece of cake and ice cream we're bringing her.
+19870131 Hey! It snowed last night! Oh, boy! Look at it all! They'll have to close the schools! Snow everywhere! It must be waist deep! Unfortunately, that's a relative measure.
+19870201 Either he's playing classical music at 78 RMP, or I'm still dreaming. First thing tomorrow morning, I'm calling the orphanage.
+19870202 What's the teacher handing out? Our report cards. Our report cards? You know, our grades. Grades? We're being graded? Of course, dummy. What did you think? Don't we even get a few practice semesters?
+19870203 I brought my report card home dad. Well! Let's see it! Remember how you once told me it didn't matter what grades I got ... just as long as I tried my hardest, right? Well you could certainly be trying harder than this! So you admit you were lying?
+19870204 Dad says my report card shows that not enough time is being spent on my homework. So from dinner till bed is now designated as "homework time." I don't think that's fair! If it doesn't take that long to do, why should I have to stay in my room all that time? Yeah, can I help it I'm so fast?
+19870205 Can I have some clay? Help yourself. This stuff's impossible to work with. Thanks. I've got a pretty good bowl or something going here. It started out as a phantom jet, but it sort of squashed, so now I think it's a bowl. Mmm that's very good. Yeah, I'm real pleased with it.
+19870206 Uh oh. There's a dinosaur in the kitchen. Well if you see Calvin anywhere, tell him it's almost time for dinner. I'd invite you, but no dinosaurs are allowed at the dinner table. Ha. Dinosaurs eat anywhere they want.
+19870207 Let's go Calvin. Time for your bath. I'm not taking baths anymore. I hate them. Oh? And how are you going to stay clean? Easy.
+19870208 Why can't I ever find my stupid scarf? Hobbes and I are going outside Mom. This is going to be the biggest snowman ever built! People will come from miles to see our gigantic snoman! This won't go any more. It's too big to push. Ok, leave it here. I'm exhausted! Well we can't stop now! We need nine more of these! Nine more?! Sure! This is just one of his toes!
+19870209 Where's Dad? He's in the living room, making a fire. A fire! Oh boy! Oh, in the fireplace.
+19870210 Wanna call that a single, or give this up?
+19870211 What did Calvin want with those Christmas lights? He didn't say.
+19870212 Where do we keep all our chainsaws Mom? We don't have any chainsaws, Calvin. We don't? Not any? Nope. How am I ever going to learn how to juggle?
+19870213 The giant amoebae slides along the kitchen floor. Extending a cytoplasmic pseudopod, the protozoan engulfs a package of oatmeal cookies. Nice try. Put them back.
+19870214 The majestic eagle circles slowly in the clouds. With eyes so sharp he can spot movement a mile below. He sights his prey and dives! Reaching speeds of more than 100 mph, his unwary prize will never know what hit it! Wake up Dad! It's Saturday! Zz ... wha?
+19870215 Here is success Mr. Jones. He lives an a 5 acre home in a wealthy suburb. Here is the new Mercedes in the driveway. It's anyone's guess as to how much longer Mr. Jones can meet his monthly finance charges. Here comes Mr. Jones out of his attractive suburban home. He hops in his red sports car. Off he goes to work. 80 ... 90 ... 100 miles an hour! ... along the edge of the Grand Canyon!! Suddenly his steering wheel locks and he brakes fail! He careens over the edge! Oh no! Down he goes! His only hope is to climb out the sun roof and jump! Maybe, just maybe, he can grab a branch and save himself! He unwinds the sun roof! Can he make it? No! The car explodes in mid-air propelling millions of tiny shards into the stratosphere! Kablooie! The neighbors hear the boom echoing across the canyon. They pile into a mini-van to investigate! What will happen to them?
+19870216 Dad, did you do a mating dance when you first saw mom? A mating dance? Yeah, I saw some birds do it on TV. They went, "awk awk braau-auukkk!" yes, that's more or less how I reacted. To what, wise guy? ... think carefully.
+19870217 Out you go, Hobbes. into the dryer. Rrrrrr Ding! Goodness, you're a fright. Tell your mom to put some conditioner in the wash next time.
+19870218 I cleaned my room, Mom. And I even did it without you telling me to. Well, that was very thoughtful. Of course, this isn't going to be a habit or anything.
+19870219 How come it doesn't take you as long as Mom to vacuum the house? Maybe I'm more efficient. Maybe you don't do as good a job. Why don't you go find something to do Mr. Critic? Ok, can I take this dust ball in for show and tell tomorrow? Calvin, this dust ball is going to be our little secret, all right? Aaacck! Look at this thing! Dear, I thought you did this room!
+19870220 I've been in the water about 20 minutes look at my fingers. They're all wrinkled! So are my toes! Pretty neat huh? "Big pink raisin discovered in tub - boy's whereabouts unknown!" Aaugh!
+19870221 For the next 60 seconds I will conduct a test of my emergency broadcast equipment. Aaaaaaaaghhhhhhhh! Had this been a real emergency, the scream you just heard would have been followed by lots more just like it. This concludes my ... oh someday when the house caves in, she'll thank me. Mark my words.
+19870222 Aaaaahhh! Eeee! Hee hee hee hee! Woo! Ack! I've got you! Aaheeeee! Tickle tickle! Ah! Ah! Hee hee hee woo hoo! I'm gonna getcha! I'm coming after you! Eek! Hee hee. Here I come! Gotcha! Gootchie gootchie! Akpth! Ha ha ha. Eeep! Ha ha hee hee ooh! Ooh! Ha ha ha. Tickle, tickle! Whoa! Whoa! We'd better stop. Calm down, calm down. Ha ha hoo hoo hee hee ha. Hee hee whoof! Ha ha! (pant pant) hee hee hee wheeeeeeee ... her plan backfired, Dad. I'm all wound up, and Mom needs to be put to bed.
+19870223 Oh, Mom, I need Crisco for school today! Shortening? Honestly Calvin, I wish you'd remember these things the night before. Now hurry up and get ready. Right. Here's the Crisco back. Thanks. You put it in your hair?? Get back here! You're not going to school like that! Aw c'mon, Mom! It's class picture day!
+19870224 What with your hair? I told Mom I'm getting my school picture taken today, and she made me comb out the Crisco I put in my hair. Now I look like a moron. That's true. You do. Well don't just stand there! Think of something! What can I do? There, much better! What'd you do is it cool? Is it new wave? Gee, I wish I had a mirror.
+19870225 The bus is going to be here any minute. You're sure you fixed my hair so it looks ok? It looks great. Try not to muss it up. You're not kidding me, are you? This really looks good? Trust me. You look like ... like ... "Astro boy." All right! I can't wait to get my picture taken now!
+19870226 Calvin! What did you do to your hair?? Don't you know we have our pictures taken today? Of course, silly. That's why I did it. It's Crisco. Does your mom know you look like that? Sort of. Hobbes fixed me up a little bit at the bus stop. Wow. I wish I had some Crisco. Wait till Mom sends my picture to Grandma!
+19870227 Ok, kid, sit up straight on the stool and look right at me. That's it. Are you ready to take my picture? Should I take off my shirt now? Kid what are ... ? don't take off your shirt!! See? I painted a face on my stomach. Kid, put your shirt back on. But look! When I breath out the face changes! See? Ok, take one quick!
+19870228 Look, Hobbes, I got my school pictures back. Look at you! Ha ha ha! Look at your hair! Hee hee! These are great! Aren't they though? Hee hee hee! What an expression! Hoo hoo hoo! Ha ha! Yeah, see how I got my one eye to roll back? Ha ha ha! Your mother's going to go into conniptions of course. Oh c'mon. Years from now think of the memories these will bring.
+19870301 Glik glik glik. Oh no! what have I done?!? The human body is 80% water. Little did Calvin realize how critical it is to maintain that! Now it's too late! By drinking that extra glass of water, Calvin has upset that precious balance! He is now 90% water! Everything solid in Calvin's body begins to dissolve! He is becoming liquid!! His only hope is somehow to get to an icebox and freeze himself solid until he can get proper medical attention! Unfortunately, as a liquid, Calvin can only run downhill! Can he make it? Can he make it?? I don't think I'm going to make it. There's a gas station up ahead. Just hold on. Didn't I tell you not to drink so much before we left?!
+19870302 Calvin, how do you explain this test score? It's terrible! I didn't study for it. What do you mean you didn't study for it? Why not? I forgot. You forgot? How could you possibly forget?? What? Huh? Where am I? Who am I? Don't give me this amnesia stuff!
+19870303 Gee, it was awfully nice of you strangers to have me over for dinner. Calvin, knock it off. You mean me? Is my name Calvin? You're not fooling anyone, young man. You do not have amnesia. This all seems vaguely familiar ... and yet ... and yet ... you're asking for an early bedtime, kid. Well, he seems to remember he likes dessert anyway. This is "dessert" you say? Hmm ... perhaps my memory would return if I had some more. That's it, bed!
+19870304 I've had enough of this silly amnesia game. Since you won't stop it, you're going to bed. You can let me know if you want to be serious. Wink. Aauughh! Mister, there's a tiger in this room!!
+19870305 Calvin, all we want is for you to study and do your best in school, education is very important. That's why this amnesia game has to stop. No more "forgetting" to do your homework. Ok? Ok, mister. Ok? ... uh Dad. Right, Dad. You got it.
+19870306 I'm glad to see you're doing your homework. How is your math class going now? Um ... I'm doing great. How great? Real great. Have you been passing all your quizzes? I didn't say phenomenal.
+19870307 RING RING RING RING RI ... It's never for me and I hate taking messages.
+19870308 I'M HOME! AAUUGH! YAAAA! I thought that after seven boring hours at school, I though you might appreciate one moment of pure, abject terror. Let me up to get my bat and I'll thank you.
+19870309 Hobbes, look! There's a little raccoon on the ground. Is it alive? I think so, but he's hurt. See, he's hardly breathing. Better not touch him if he's hurt. Yeah. You wait here and guard him. I'll run and get Mom. I sure hope she can help. Of course she can! You don't get to be Mom if you can't fix everything just right.
+19870310 There's Hobbes guarding him, Mom. The little raccoon's right over there! Ooh, Calvin, I don't know if we can save him. He looks pretty bad. Go get a shoe box and a clean dish towel. Right! I don't think this poor little guy is going to make it, Hobbes (sigh) I hate it when these things happen. ... you can tell I'm upset when I start talking to you.
+19870311 Well, I got him in the shoe box. I guess all we can do is keep him warm and safe. We'll keep him in the garage, and put out some water and food. I read in a book that raccoons will eat just about anything. Chances are, I'll be happy to donate most of my dinner. Calvin, you don't even know what we're having.
+19870312 Has he eaten anything? No. don't die little raccoon. It wouldn't be very grateful of you to break my heart.
+19870313 I can't sleep. Me either. I keep thinking about the raccoon. I hope he lives. Me too. I think animals are always so cute.
+19870314 Dad, did you check on the little raccoon this morning? Yes, Calvin. I'm afraid he died. Waahhhh!! I'm sorry too, kiddo. But he didn't have much of a chance. Wahhhaahh! At least he died warm and safe Calvin. We did all could, but now he's gone. Sniff. I know I'm crying because out there he's gone, but he's not gone inside me.
+19870315 Here's a photo I took of you. The picture is kind of fuzzy. You're kind of fuzzy! Ok, make a face! Howth thith? Great! Hold it! Let's see! Let's see! It's developing! I can start to see it! There I am! Look! Look! Ha! Ha! It's great! What a photograph! Hee hee hoo hoo ha ha! Ha ha hee hee ho ho ho! Let's take some more! That's it. Bug your eyes you! Hee hee! Hurry up! All these pictures are of Hobbes?! Aren't they a scream? Can I have ten bucks for another roll of film?
+19870316 This is where Dad buried the little raccoon. I didn't even know he existed a few days ago and now he's gone forever. It's like I found him for no reason. I had to say good-bye as soon as I said hello. Still ... in a sad, awful, terrible way, I'm happy I met him. Sniff. What a stupid world.
+19870317 You know Hobbes, I can't figure out this death stuff. Why did that little raccoon have to die? He didn't do anything wrong. He was just little! What's the point of putting him here and taking him back so soon?!? It's either mean or its arbitrary, and either way I've got the heebie-jeebies. Why is it always night when we talk about these things?
+19870318 Mom says death is as natural as birth, and it's all part of the life cycle. She says we don't really understand it, but there are many things we don't understand and we just have to do the best we can with the knowledge we have. I guess that makes sense. But don't you go anywhere. Don't worry.
+19870319 Hey! What happened to the trees here? Who cleared out the woods? There used to be lots of animals in these woods! Now it's a mud pit! This sign says, "Future site of Shady Acres condominiums." Animals can't afford condos! "Shady Acres"? The only shade I see is from that bulldozer.
+19870320 Where are all the animals supposed to live now that they cut down these woods to put in houses?? By golly, how would people like it if animals bulldozed a suburb and put in new trees?!? No good, they didn't leave the keys.
+19870321 It took hundreds of years for these woods to grow, and they leveled it in a week. It's gone. After they build new houses here, they'll have to widen the roads and put up gas stations, and pretty soon this whole area will just be a big strip. Eventually there won't be a nice spot left anywhere. I wonder if you can refuse to inherit the world. I think if you're born, it's too late.
+19870322 Kablooie! Ooooh, you've twicked me for the wast time, wabbit! Ha ha ha! Boy, I wish I had some dynamite! Boy, I love weekends! What better way to spend one's freedom than eathing chocolate cereal and watching cartoons! Mm ... I beg to differ on the cereal part. Calvin, you've been sitting in front of the stupid TV all morning! It's a beautiful day! You should be outside! It's going to be a grim day when the world is run by a generation that doesn't know anything but what it's seen on TV! Hey! How can you sit inside all day? Go on! Out! Out! Kids are supposed to run around in the fresh air! Have some fun! Get some exercise! Slam! Well, I guess that's that. Come on. Hi, Susie, are you watching TV? Can we come in? sure, hurry up! It's a commercial.
+19870323 Hobbes, want to see my transmogrifier? I didn't know you had a transmogrifier. I just got it. You step into this chamber, set the appropriate dials, and it turns you into whatever you'd like to be. It's amazing what they do with corrugated cardboard these days. Isn't it?
+19870324 This transmogrifier will turn you into anything at all. All you do is set this indicator, and the machine automatically restructures your chemical configuration. You can be an eel, a baboon, a giant bug, or a dinosaur. What if you want to be something else? I left some room, just write it on the side.
+19870325 Well, what do you say? Would you like to be transmogrified? I don't think so. Being a tiger is my area of expertise. Don't be scared. The process is instantaneous and completely painless. Just think! With the push of a button, you could be a 500-story gastropod - a slug the size of the Chrysler building. Gosh, how can I refuse? Well, if you don't like that, be something else! I don't care!
+19870326 Look, if you can't make up your mind, I'll go first and turn myself into something. I'll show you. But what's the point of turning yourself into something else? No one's done it! Think of the knowledge to be gained. What horrors we visit upon ourselves in the name of science. Ok, I'm in. set the dial on "lungfish" ... no make it "musk ox" ... no ...
+19870327 What are you going to transmogrify into? How about a tiger? That's a good idea. The world can always use another tiger. Just turn the arrow and push the button then. All right, here you go. Zap! Did it work? Boy, I'm hot. How do you stand having all this fur?
+19870328 So you're a tiger now? Yep, let me out. Words fail me. I'm disappointed too, but keep in mind transmogrification is a new technology.
+19870329 Thanks for the lunch Mom! I'm going outside. Refueled, the 727 taxis onto the runway. Control tower to Calvin, you are cleared for take off. Roger. Full throttle! Fwoooshh! Take off! Landing gear up! Chugunk! We have reached our crossing altitude of 30,000 feet. A small tasteless snack will be served shortly. This is your captain speaking, I'm afraid our arrival will be slightly delayed. We're stacked up over Washington, and we'll be in a holding pattern for another 40 minutes. Tower to Calvin, you are now cleared for landing. Roger. Landing gear down! Reverse thrust! I saw you outside running in circles for almost an hour! Are you trying to make yourself sick?!? Oog, from now on I'm playing "bus".
+19870330 So Calvin, what's it like to be a tiger now? Kinda fuzzy, but not that different. So! What do you want to talk about? Do we eat soon?
+19870331 Hi, Mom! Will you make Hobbes and me a big tuna sandwich? I thought you hated tuna fish. Not anymore. I'm a tiger now. I thought Hobbes was your tiger. Now I'm one too. I transmogrified. Oh, I see. My, she's taking this well, but the strain will surely crack her soon.
+19870401 I'm home! Hi Dad. Notice anything different about me? Uh ... new haircut? Geez, did you go blind?? I'm a tiger! Oh, I thought you meant besides that. Calvin, your Dad's very tired and ... Hope you want tuna for dinner dear.
+19870402 Well Hobbes, it's been fun, but I don't think I was meant to be a tiger. Just set the dial to "Calvin" and I'll transmogrify back to a boy. Here you go. Zap! Oops! Try again lunkhead.
+19870403 Here I am, back being Calvin. Your machine works amazingly well. It's my own design. What will you do with it now? Good question. ... although I suppose we could turn Susie into a bowl of chowder if we could just get her into the machine. Leave me out of your life's plans. You little weirdo.
+19870404 Calvin eats one bite too many! He begins to swell! Inflating like a raft. He grows bigger and bigger! Oh, no! how much larger can he get? Ooooh, I think I'm going to explode. No wonder! I've never seen anyone eat so much in one sitting! I hope you learned your lesson.
+19870405 Look, Jane. See Spot. See Spot run. Run, Spot run. Jane sees Spot run. Way to go, Jane! Boy I hate homework. Yahh! Whoop! Hey! Yow! Whoa! Stop! Aaaughh!! Gaackk! Help! Help! Whap!! Bonk! Bonk! What on earth are you doing? Where's your homework? I couldn't concentrate.
+19870406 Rrinnggg! Recess is over! Rrripp! Oh no! why is it you always rip your pants on the day everyone has to demonstrate a math problem at the chalkboard?
+19870407 I can't believe I ripped my pants! Recess is over. I'm supposed to be back in class! I can't go in like this! What am I going to do?? ... of all the days to wear the underpants with little rocket ships.
+19870408 Look at the size of this rip! Maybe I can pull my shirt down over it. No, that doesn't work. Maybe I can tuck my shirt in the hole. ... nope ... maybe I can stick the ripped part under my belt. No, that doesn't work either. Maybe I can scoot around on my rear the rest of the day.
+19870409 Please don't let the teacher call on me! Don't make me go to the board in my ripped pants! Anyone but me! Just let her call on someone else! Please don't embarrass me in front of the whole class! Calvin, would you do the next problem at the board? So much for my ever joining the clergy.
+19870410 Calvin, will you do the next problem at the board please? No. why not? Frankly, I'd rather not say. Oh, you wouldn't. It's a personal matter. You're going to have to do better than that. Do the words "complete pandemonium" strike terror in your heart?
+19870411 So your teacher didn't know you'd ripped your pants, and she made you do a problem at the chalkboard? That sums it up. How awful! What did you do?? I didn't have a choice. I mooned the whole class. That's why you're home early? Three teachers and the principal couldn't restore order.
+19870412 During emergency landing, replace dinner tray and bring seat to upright position. Extinguish all smoking materials. Including spacecraft, if possible. Out of fuel, the courageous Spaceman Spiff is forced to land on the distant planet Zok! The valiant explorer surveys the Zokkian landscape, who knows what dangers lie hidden in the cratered terrain? Undaunted, Spiff sets out to find help! Miles later, it is evident the planet is completely uninhabited! Our hero is marooned on a lifeless planet! Alone on an alien world. Alone ... all alone ... Darn it, why doesn't anyone ever tell me when the lunch bell rings?
+19870413 Susie, where's Miss Wormwood? Who's that lady at her desk? Miss Wormwoods sick. That's our substitute teacher. A substitute? Let's see your teaching certificate, lady!
+19870414 Good morning, class. I'll be your substitute teacher today. Miss Wormwood left me instructions as to what we need to go over, so we shouldn't have any problems. Oh, wait, here's a note she added. Just a second. Ok, which one of you is Calvin? Not me!
+19870415 We had a substitute teacher in school today. Did you like her? she was ok, I guess. You guess? It's hard to say. She went home at noon.
+19870416 Mr. Jones lives 50 miles away from you. You both leave home at 5:00 and drive toward each other. Mr. Jones travels at 35 mph, and you drive at 40 mph. At what time will you pass Mr. Jones on the road? Given the traffic around here at 5:00 who knows? I always catch these trick questions.
+19870417 I've got a scheme to get us some money. Oh boy. See? I sneaked all these kernels of corn off my dinner plate tonight. How is that going to get us money? Easy. I just stick them under my pillow. With any luck, the tooth fairy won't know they're fakes until it's too late!
+19870418 Dad, how do people make babies? Most people just go to Sears, buy the kit, and follow the assembly instructions. I came from Sears?? No, you were a blue light special at Kmart, almost as good, and a lot cheaper. Aauughhh! Dear, what are you telling Calvin now?!
+19870419 How come you don't put on any pajamas? Fact is, I never take them off! Did you ash your face and brush your teeth? Yep! We both did! Ok then, good night. Good night. Move over, will ya? I'm already over! You should be over there! Quit pushing fuzz-for-brains! You're on my side! Call me names will you?! Yeah! Whumpp! Yaaaaa! Oh no! Ok! Ok! You win! Phoo ... I wish you had brushed your teeth! Yecch ... I wish you had washed your face!
+19870420 I've got to give a 5-minute oral report in school on Thursday. We're supposed to research our subject, write it up, and present it to the class with a visual aid. That's a big assignment. I'll say. I hate my teacher. She knows we'll all do it on the last evening, but she gave us three days to worry about it.
+19870421 What's the subject of your report? The brain. What do you know about brains? Well, I saw this movie where they kept this guy's brain alive in a tank of water. Then a power surge mutated the brain, and it crawled out and terrorized the populace. That's informative. Unfortunately for my report, Mom caught me, and I didn't get to see how it ended.
+19870422 I've got to give my report on "The Brain" at school today. See my visual aid? I cooked some noodles and put them in a paper bag. Doesn't that look like brains? Well, I guess I'm all set. Did you write your report yet? Nah. I borrowed Mom's pocket dictionary. I'll do it on the bus.
+19870423 My five-minute report on "The Brain." Of course it's difficult to explain the complexities of the brain in just five minutes, but to begin, the brain is part of the central nervous system. I'll pause for a few moments, so you can all finish writing that down. Calvin!
+19870424 Pow! Jab! Kick! Pow! Pow! Rattatattattatta rattatattatta eeeeeeeeeee boom! Please, please, pretty please? No. you should've save some of your own Halloween candy.
+19870425 Hey, can we change the channel now? I want to watch something else. My show's not over yet. Aw c'mon! you see this program all the time! Can't we watch my show for once? No, I was here first. Pipe down, this is a good part. I hate national geographic animal specials.
+19870426 Good night, Calvin. ... all right where are you?! Calvin, I thought I said to get ready for bed! Now hurry up! I can't! I'm trapped in slow motion! Well you'd better get in normal speed ... now! Ahh! Time snap!
+19870427 Point A is twice as far from point C as point B is from A. if the distance from point B to point C is 5 inches, how far is point A from point C? The living dead don't need to solve word problems.
+19870428 Calvin the zombie searches for food. Horribly, the undead feed upon the living! ... although, in a pinch, a pbj will do, I fyou eat it messily enough.
+19870429 When in Rome ...
+19870430 Gkpthh! Heh heh ... thpkk! Hee hee. Hee hee ha ha ha ho ho hee hee hoo hoo ha ha ho heh heh ... of course. Real zombies never get the giggles by looking at each other.
+19870501 Oh no! Too much bubble bath! Uh oh! Pop! How on earth do you do this?!? These things seem to happen.
+19870502 Aauughhhhh
+19870503 Gosh it's perfect kite flying weather! But why let the stupid kite have all the fun? You've got your tail on? Yep, just let out some string and start running. That's it! Faster! Faster! I'm flying! I'm fl-ooof! Ow! Ack! Ooh! Are you ok? Boy, you were almost up there. I know! (ow) We just need a little more wind. Ok, here's another breeze! Let 'er rip! Oomph! Yow! Maybe you're too heavy. Gee, I hadn't thought of that. Hmm ... how can I get lighter? Mrs. Carroll says a naked kid tied to a stuffed animal is running through her yard. You handle it, I got the little nudist out of her bird bath remember?
+19870504 We're supposed to have this whole stupid book read by tomorrow. Flip-ip-ip-ip-ip-ip! There! It's good to get that out of the way! Reading goes faster if you don't sweat comprehension. Where's the Frisbee?
+19870505 Ahoy! Toss the rope ladder down! What's the password? Tigers are mean! Tigers are fierce! Tigers have teeth and claws that pierce! Tigers are great! They can't be beat! If I was a tiger that would be neat! He can climb the tree without the ladder, so he got to make up the password. Go on, what's the third verse?
+19870506 Mom, when are you going shopping next? I don't know why? We seem to be out of gun powder. Sheesh, I didn't even do it yet.
+19870507 Now! Are you sure there's a career to be made as a "human discus"? Well, we gotta get a bigger field.
+19870508 I tripped a kid yesterday, and he fell in the mud it was hilarious. Aaugh! Ploop! I dunno. That kind of humor is so broad. You didn't do it right. C'mere and give me a hand.
+19870509 What's this? It looks gross. It's a vegetarian meal. It's good for you. Vegetarian?? Yecchh! I'm not a vegetarian! I'm a dessertarian.
+19870510 Ever notice how different the air smells after a good rain? It smells like ... like ... dead worms! Wow! Look at the size of that puddle! Wahoooo! Ha ha ha ha ha! Sploosh splash sploosh splash! Hee hee hee hee! Ha ha ha ha! Rats, my underwear's all soaked. Now it's gonna itch and ride up my rear all afternoon. Well it was worth it! That's why I never wear the stuff.
+19870511 I can't get this stupid hair to comb right. See how it sticks out in back? Maybe you need a haircut. Yeah, but barbers never cut it the way I want. Boy, what a great idea! Thanks! This is easy! You really think your Mom will pay me eight bucks?
+19870512 So exactly how would you like the back cut? Just trim the part that sticks out and taper it a little. Wouldn't you rather have it real short? No, just cut a little bit. Are you sure? Don't you think it should be real short? It looks like it should be real short. Are you trying to tell me something? No, I just think it should be real short. Especially, oh, right here.
+19870513 You made a mistake didn't you? No, I can cover it up. Cover what up? What did you do wrong? Nothing, I can't help it if your head has a funny bumps that make the scissors go screwy. Your head's gonna have "funny bumps" in a minute if you don't tell me what you did!! Oops. Hold still. Why'd you say "oops"?! what'd you do now?! Nothing. Let's try parting your hair from ear to ear.
+19870514 This haircut had better look good fuzz brain. You'll love it. It's kind of "new wave". New wave? Like how? Well, sort of "punk" actually. Like a mohawk? In some places it's sort of like a mohawk. I want a mirror. You know what's the rage this year? ... hats.
+19870515 Look what you did to my hair! It looks like it was cut with a weed-eater! Nothing a little tonic and combing can't fix. Get away from me, you menace! If Mom sees this, she'll blow her blood vessels! What am I going to do?? How's that? Sort of the "Lawrence of Arabia" look! Sort of the "Lobotomy Patient" look.
+19870516 My cigarette smoke mixed with the smoke of my .38. If business was as good as my aim, I'd be on easy street. Instead, I've got an office on 49th street and a nasty relationship with a string of collection agents. Yeah, that's me. Tracer Bullet. I've got eight slugs in me. One's lead, and the rest are bourbon. The drink packs a wallop, and I pack a revolver. I'm a private eye. Suddenly my door swung open, and in walked trouble. Brunette, as usual. Take your hat off at the dinner table, Calvin. It's not polite. She was a pushy dame. But she had a case.
+19870517 This is supposed to be great art. ... so why does it look like a bunch of decapitated naked people? A strange feeling comes over Calvin in the art museum. His parents, engrossed in culture, remain blissfully unaware of Calvin's terrible transformation! Yes, a tyrannosaurus is loose in the art museum! The curator shrieks and pandemonium ensues! A guard reaches for his pistol, but the dinosaur is upon him and he is messily devoured! The giant lizard's glory is captured forever on film by the anti-theft cameras! Patrons of the arts flee for their lives! Hundreds of priceless paintings are ripped to shreds in the awful rampage! Wealthy benefactors are trampled! The museum is in ruins! On to symphony hall!! Calvin? Calvin? Were in the next room now. C'mon. I think we'd better get him out o fhere. He had that grin again. I wanna see dinosaurs at the natural history museum again. We spent all afternoon there, Calvin.
+19870518 Take your hat off at the dinner table, Calvin. Here comes the hurricane. You cut your hair!! No I didn't Hobbes did. Why on earth did you cut your own hair?! Look at you! I said Hobbes cut it! You think I'd do this?? Well I didn't!
+19870519 Some barber you are! Mom says there's nothing I can do but wait for my hair to grow back. In the meantime, I've got to go around looking like I've got mange! I hope you're happy. Happy?! You stiffed me! Where's my eight bucks?!
+19870520 Look, I'm sorry I gave you a bad haircut. I didn't mean to. A fat lot of good that does me. I can make it up to you. Honest. Yeah? How? I bought a yellow magic marker. See, I'll just draw some hair on, there, it's looking better already. Really? Is it?
+19870521 Well, your hair doesn't stick up the way it used to, but at least your head's yellow again. Thanks, Hobbes. you're a real life saver. I'm sorry I got so mad at you. Nonsense. No harm done. Boy, wait till I show Mom! Uh oh. Does it come off? From now on, just keep your brainy ideas to yourself ok?
+19870522 Calvin. Calvin the Genius. Calvin the Super Genius. This is how you sign your reports? It kind of inclines you to read it more charitably, don't you think?
+19870523 Clink. Clink. My iced tea is a failure.
+19870524 Whew! This must be the biggest hill in the state! Kind of frustrating isn't it? I wish Dad would get transferred to the Andes. Let's go down the hill and see if we can travel into the future. Go into the future? How? It's easy! All we have to do is get going real fast and we'll time-warp! Ha ha! Faster! Faster! Gosh, what do you suppose the future will be like? Who knows? Flying cars and cities built built on clouds, maybe! Just think of all the weird things we can tell people we saw! Oh boy! Hey, we're at the bottom of the hill. I didn't feel any time warp, did you? Nope. But look! It's two minutes later than when we started! We're in the future!! Hmm ... things haven't improved. I'm disappointed.
+19870525 Goodness, you're filthy. Into the tub with you. I obey the letter of the law, if not the spirit. Let's hear some water running! Nuts.
+19870526 I'm home! Yaaaaa! Aaaugh! Yowp! Arrgh! Yip! (pant pant) Why do you always do that?! Natural exuberance is one of those qualities that makes us tigers so darn endearing!
+19870527 I'm home! Yaaa ... huh?? Uh oh! Ha ha! Fooled you!! Elapsed turnaround time, point eight seconds. Ha! Stupid tiger.
+19870528 I'm home! Hello? Hobbes?? six ... five ... four ...
+19870529 I'm home. I'm home. I'm home! Wellll? So you're home.
+19870530 Calvin steps up to the plate and the outfield heads for the bleachers. It's sure to be another homer folks. Here's the pitch! Bonk! Not surprisingly the pitcher decides to walk Calvin.
+19870531 Before beginning any home plumbing repair, make sure you possess the proper tools for the job. Check the following list of handy explitives and see that you know how to use them. Calvin wakes up one morning to find he no longer exists in the third dimension! He is in 2-D! Thinner than a sheet of paper, Calvin has no surface area on the bottom of his feet! He is immobile! Only by waving his body can Calvin create enough friction with the ground to move! Having width but no thickness, Calvin is vulnerable to the slightest gust of wind! To avoid drafts, he twists himself into a tube, and rolls across the floor! Someone is coming! Calvin quickly stands up straight. Turning perfectly sideways, he is nearly invisible vertical line! No one will notice! Hey, Dad, know why you didn't see me all morning?? I was two-dimensional! Hmmm, I'll bet you can't do it all afternoon, too ... dear!
+19870601 I couldn't read it because my parents forgot to pay the gravity bill.
+19870602 Make a prediction Hobbes. what for? So we can see if you have ESP. Ok, I predict you'll find an irresistible attraction to a mud hole. Ha ha. You stay away from me. It's going to come true! I can feel it!
+19870603 Hey Dad, how does a carburetor work? I can't tell you. Why not? It's a secret. No it isn't! you just don't know!
+19870604 This is a job for ... aackk! Waaughhh!! For? ... someone else.
+19870605 Time for bed, Calvin. It's a free country. I can do what I want. Good night. Communists!
+19870606 Oh no, I have to go to the bathroom! The monsters will get me as soon as I set foot on the floor! I know! Put your pillow down as a decoy. While they're eating that, you can slip out! Great idea! I'm coming out of bed now! I'm coming out of bed now! Here I am, all fat and squishy! They took it! Man, look at those feathers fly! You'd better hurry! No, I've decided to stay here and wet the bed. But it's ok with me if you don't want to stay.
+19870607 Croquet is a gentleman's game. That's hard to believe. I've played before and I can tell you the temptation to misuse these things is awful. Hey, don't put the wickets so far apart. This is the way they're supposed to be. No it isn't, you big cheater. You're doing this because you can hit the ball harder than I can. Cheater?? Who took the lucky red ball when I wasn't looking? I got to pick first because you did last time! That's a lie! You always take the lucky red ball first! Call me a liar. Will you? Well, you're just a poop head! So there! Thbpbpthpt! Potty mouth! Potty mouth! Calvin is a potty mouth! You're asking for a toothless mouth buster! Yeah? Says you and what army? You couldn't knock the teeth out of a mosquito! Ha! Mosquito's don't even have teeth. That shows how dumb you are! Compared to you, I'm Einstein! Leggo my leg! Ow! Go stick your nose in a rubber hose, you walking flea condo! I'd say it takes one to know one bozo! Why don't you go play in the food processor! It's getting dark, Calvin. C'mon inside! Aw Mom, we're right in the middle of a croquet game!
+19870608 Bombarded by high-energy photons, Calvin is transformed into a living x-ray. Although this condition will facilitate future medical diagnoses, it does make Calvin's presence at the dinner table a disgusting ordeal! Everyone can see Calvin's food being ground input mushy pulp and swallowed! At this moment, Calvin chews up a large spoonful of creamed corn! For gosh sakes, close your mouth when you chew!! You think we want to see that?! Mkghh! Smack! Blaghkh!
+19870609 Here's a little town. Here's a steam shovel scooping out a giant hole. Here comes the bulldozer, pushing thousands of barrels of toxic nuclear waste into the giant hole. Over the years, these dangerous poisons seep into underground waterways. The cancer rate of the nearby little town triples. If you want me, I'll be under the bed.
+19870610 A strike?? That pitch was four feet above my head! Ha! It was a perfect pitch! You're just too short! Yeah? Well, you're just too stupid! Kick kick kick. Well, you're just too ugly. Kick. Kick. Kick. Kicking dust is the only part of this game we really like.
+19870611 Want to know a funny trick? When somebody isn't looking you tie his shoes together! Ha ha! That's great! Lets go find some sucker to pull it on! Yeah! Clunk! Well. Well! Woo hoo hoo hoo.
+19870612 I'm hungry. Can I have a snack? Sure. Help yourself. You can have an apple or an orange from the fridge. Even through we're both talking english, we're not speaking the same language.
+19870613 Boy, I love summer vacation. I can feel my brain beginning to atrophy already. Shhh ...
+19870614 I'm going outside Mom! Hold all my calls. Calvin looks around something is different. The odd-colored tree behind him slowly lifts up! It's not a tree at all! It's a let! Oh no! Calvin is the size of a bug to a bug he runs for his life! A claw crashes with deafening impact! The bug is trying to step on Calvin! What a horrible fate! Calvin scrambles madly, promising himself that he'll never squish another bug if he lives to return to normal size! Suddenly in a spray of slime, the bug is gone! A monstrous frog licks its chops! Calvin is saved! Aacck! What's that on my plate?! Good heavens, get it off the table!! But Mom, frogs are our friends!
+19870615 Look Hobbes I got a magic carpet! What's so magic about it? Magic carpets fly! You can ride them! Isn't this the rug from the hallway? Up, rug! Up! Up! Hey, look! It works! Ok, rug, warp factor five! Is this legal? Do you have your registration and proof of insurance?
+19870616 Wow! I've never been on a magic carpet before. Hmm ... me either. Ok rug, let's cruise at 10,000 feet! Wheeeee! Gosh, this sure beats having Mom drive us around! Let's go to the mall and hang out! Do we get complimentary bags of nuts on our flight?
+19870617 Hey, let's fly into the city and buzz Dad's office! Ha! Won't be be surprised when he sees us out his 20th floor window! What if he's mad that we took the hallway rug? What's to get mad about? We wiped our feet first. Yeah, but all this city mileage may hurt the resale value.
+19870618 Ok, I think that's Dad's building up ahead. I'm not sure where his office is, so we'll just have to look in the windows as we zip by. Hey! There he is! There's Dad! Hi, Dad! Dad, look! Out the window! Darn it! He's still reading that brief. Look out the window, Dad! Did you bring any rocks? I didn't think to.
+19870619 Hey Dad! Look out the window! I can't believe he's just sitting in there. Why doesn't he look up? I guess he's pretty busy. Yeah, but we can't sit up here all day! Sheesh. Let's go. If he had noticed us, we could've given him a ride home. Hmph. I say let him take the smelly ol' bus if he can't even look out the window once in a while, serves him right.
+19870620 I'm home! Dad! Hobbes and I flew by your office window today on a rug! We saw you working. We waved and hollered, but you didn't even look up. We couldn't believe it. You missed the whole thing! I thought we were cutting down his sugar intake.
+19870621 Oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy. Wait! Wait! I've got to savor this moment! The brilliance of it all! I'm a genius! A sheer genius! Susie's playing on the sidewalk! Now's my chance to use the snowball I've been saving in the freezer! She'll never expect a snowball in June! Boy, will she be mad! Ha ha ha! This is going to be great! Here it comes! Oh boy! Oh boy! Hey Susie!! Piff. I missed! Darn it! Darn it! Darn it! Of all the miserable luck! Aaarrghh! There must've been a cross breeze! I can't believe it! I save that snowball for three whole months! I ... scoop scoop. I ... I ... uh ... pow! The irony o fthis is just sickening.
+19870622 1988 isn't too far away Dad. If your thinking of running for "Dad" again, you'd better get your campaign in gear. Frankly, the pools look grim. I don't think you've got much of a shot at keeping the office. I take comfort in the fact that not many people want it. Flippant remarks have a way of haunting candidates, you know.
+19870623 The chameleon sits motionless. Amazingly, the lizard changes color to blend in with his surroundings. Moments later, he is virtually invisible. I see you hiding back there! Now come clean up this mess you made in the kitchen!
+19870624 Hold still. There's a monster horsefly on your head. Pow! Can you believe it? I missed! So excuse me for trying to help! you wanna scratch a stinging welt all day? Fine! Go away! No, wait there's a mosquito on you.
+19870625 I wanna horsey ride! I'm busy Calvin. You know, Dad, it won't be long before I'm all grown up. One day you'll wake up and wonder how all the years slipped by. You'll look back and say, "Where has the time gone? Calvin's so big. It's hard to remember when he was small enough that I could give him horsey rides." ... but those days will be lost forever. I think I've worked through my potential guilt now. No, no! Jump the fence!
+19870626 I read that girls are made up of "sugar and spice and everything nice" ... whereas boys are made of "snips and snails and puppy dogs' tails." Hmph. So what are tigers made of? "Dragonflies and katykids, but mostly chewed-up little kids." Oh, that's clever.
+19870627 Do you have any money? Nope. Hmm ... how can we get some? Who do we know that we could sue?
+19870628 What's wrong with you, fish? Why won't you eat this big, fat, juicy worm? Besides the obvious, I mean. Boy I hate fishing, this is so boring! Look, I can see a whole bunch of fish down there, but they're not biting! Lousy fish! By golly, I'm not going to sit here all day waiting for them to get hungry! Here, help me carry this rock. We'll dump it in the water and blast the fish out. Then we can just pick them up. Heave! Kabloosh! Ok, it was a bad idea! But I got wet too, right? No, no your idea was fine! We just didn't throw in a big enough object.
+19870629 ... so could I, Mom? Please? Pleeeaase? I still don't think giving her "Bambi eyes" is going to get you a flame thrower. Maybe I should sniffle a little too, huh?
+19870630 What a perfect day! If something doesn't happen here soon, I'm gonna wack out.
+19870701 Look a firefly! Your rear hasn't lit, if that's what you're wondering. I can't even tell what muscle to flex.
+19870702 Hey Hobbes, want to see an antelope? An antelope?! C'mon! See she's coming down the ladder to her boyfriends car! You're not laughing. It's not funny.
+19870703 Tomorrow is independence day. The Declaration of Independence says everyone is created equal and is entitled to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. Oh. So when does Paul Revere ride through town and give us our presents.
+19870704 Bang! Kapwinngg! Up up and awaaayy!
+19870705 The dreaded scum beings fire! Spaceman Spiff is hit! It never fails. I just washed and waxed this thing. Our hero, the intrepid Spaceman Spiff, struggles with the controls of his damaged spacecraft! The freem propulsion blasters are useless! Spiff crashes onto the surface of an alien planet! Unscathed, the fearless space explorer emerges from the smoldering wreckage! He is marooned on a hostile world! Scorched by twin suns, the planet is nothing but barren rock and methane! There's no hope of finding food or water. Spiff collapses! Oh, no. a hideous alien spots him! In his weakened state, Spiff is no match for the monster! This could be the end!! Lunchtime! I brought you a sandwich and some lemonade. Bring the dishes back when you're done, ok? ... oh well. Thanks Mom.
+19870706 Z. Z. Z. Tag! The game's over tuna brain.
+19870707 Somebody told me rotten eggs smell bad. They smell terrible. Put 'em back Calvin.
+19870708 I want 8 cookies to go, please. This is not a drive-thru! Put that back in the garage!
+19870709 Quick, Mom! Aliens just landed in the back yard! They demand to talk to you! You go on out! I'll guard the cookies in the kitchen! Quick! Hurry! She's not buying this. Calvin, just how dumb do you think I am?
+19870710 What do you think is the secret to happiness? Is it money, power or fame? I'd choose money. If you have enough money, you can buy power and fame, that way you'd have it all and be really happy! Happiness is being famous for your financial ability to indulge in every kind of excess. I suppose that's one way to define it. The part I think I'd like best is crushing people who get in my way.
+19870711 Look! Somebody poured new cement! Is anyone looking? We could write our initials in it, or make a hand print, or something! Yeah! Or something! I think we'd better find a hose quick! I didn't think it would set up so fast.
+19870712 Psst. Hey kid, c'mere under the bed. I've got a brand new toy for you. Uh oh. I think I saw a tentacle under the bed! Monsters! Turn on the lights! That makes monsters shrivel up. Good idea. Click! Aarrghhh! Aieeee. Aahhhhhh!! Gackk! Ha ha. We got 'em! Just the ones under the bed, we'd better open up the drawers and closet too and get some light in those places! By golly, no monsters going to get us tonight! Wither and die, bloodsucking freaks of nature!! Why is your light on? What in the world are you doing?!? Monsters, Dad. They could be anywhere. You're trashing your room at 1:00 in the morning, looking for monsters?! If you don't get in bed this instant, you'll have lot more to worry about than stupid monsters!! What we need is some way to shrivel him up.
+19870713 Hey Calvin, whatcha doin'? Quiet down or you'll give away my position. Hobbes and I are having a water fight. A water fight! Can I play? You? Ha! War is a manly art! I suppose anything so idiotic would have to be. Can I play in your game or not? I don't know, it seems you'd rather be making smart remarks.
+19870714 C'mon, can't I join your water fight? I have my own water pistol and everything! It'll just take me a minute to get it. Ok, you can play, but Hobbes is on my team. You have to fight both of us. Great! I can beat you and your stuffed tiger any day. I'll go put on my swimsuit. Susie's going to play with us, ok? Oh boy. Girls flip for guys in jams.
+19870715 I got my water pistol! I'm all set! Good. Now Hobbes and I will be one team, and you ... Look at your toy tiger! He's wearing jams!! That's so cute! Let me squeeze him! Oh for pete's sake, knock it iff! You go around the house and count to fifty, and then we begin, all right? You and your dumb jams. This is war, remember?! You're just jealous. ... ooh, what a babe!
+19870716 Listen up, yogurt brain. Here's our strategy: I'll go around the house this way, and you go around the other way. I'll draw Susie's fire, and you can let her have it from behind with your water balloon! Got it? Ok, let's go! Thanks for the water balloon, Hobbes, you're a great double agent!
+19870717 Ha ha! Ambush!! Have a drink Susie! Whoa! Whoop! You've got Hobbes' water balloon! Where did? How? Uh oh. Bloosh! I promise you you'll hang for this, traitor! I'm easily wiled by a woman in a swimsuit.
+19870718 My best friend betrays me! Susie drenched me with my own teammate's water balloon! Some buddy you are, you Benedict Arnold! Hmph, I'd do it again in a minute. Susie likes my jams. Don't even talk to me! You and I are through! Ha! Promises, promises! Um ... I take it the game is over. Get this traitor off me. He cheats when he fights, too.
+19870719 Can you believe this? Some idiot tossed garbage here in this beautiful spot. I'll bet future civilizations find out more about us than we'd like them to know. Look, another can thrown on the ground! Boy, this makes me mad! By golly, if people aren't burying toxic wastes or testing nuclear weapons, they're throwing trash everywhere! You'd think planets like this were a dime a dozen! Now I've got to carry this gross thing. You know, there are times when it's a source of personal pride to not be human. I'm with you.
+19870720 Aren't these long summer days great? No responsibilities at all! We have the whole day to ourselves. Don't you wish it could be like this all year, forever? No school. No job, no anything? Yeah. Just gloat about it, why don't you!!
+19870721 Hey Dad, what are clouds made of? Hmm ... I used to know that. I think they're mostly water. So how come they float? Well, it's sort of evaporated water, maybe there are some other gases, too. I'm not sure. So why are they white when the rest of the sky is blue? Heck, beats me. I guess we ought to look this stuff up. I take it there's no qualifying exam to be a Dad.
+19870722 One of the best things about summer is going to sleep with the fan on. The gentle breeze blowing, droning hum, everything seems safe and serene when the fan is on. It's cool and lulling and perfect for sleep. It almost lets one forget he has a heavy fur coat for a bunkmate. If you don't like it, there's plenty of room on the floor, buster.
+19870723 Hey Mom, what's this I hear about the greenhouse effect? They say the pollutants we dump in the air are trapping in the sun's heat and it's going to melt the polar ice caps! Sure, you'll be gone when it happens, but I won't! nice planet you're leaving me! This from the kid who wants to be chauffeured any place more than a block away. Hey, nobody told me about the ice caps, all right?
+19870724 More bad news on your polls, Dad. We're looking at an all-time low in popularity here. Well, Calvin. That's certainly food for thought. Now here's something you can think about. The average cost of raising a kid to age 18 is $100,000. That's a lot of money. So the question you should be asking yourself is, "Is that hundred grand a gift, or a loan?" Gotcha, Dad. I was just on my way to bed.
+19870725 Ring ring. Hello? May I speak with your father please? Hec, you don't need my permission! Be my guest! What a weirdo. Ring ring.
+19870726 That's it, you climb up and then help me up! Tigers are natural-born tree climbers. Of course we usually have grappling hooks, ropes and utility belts. Hey, here's a great tree for climbing! Let me get on your shoulders so I can reach the first branch, ok? Geez, how many bricks do you have in your pockets?! Whoa! Hold steady, you weakling. I've almost got it! Move up, move up! Hurry and grab it before my spine telescopes. Got it! Hey, don't let go! Hold me up! Forget it! You can support your own weight, bowling ball butt. Mmph! Mmph! I can't get up! Give me a boost! Hey! What are you doing?! Don't take off my shoes! Are you nuts? Hey, stop! Aack! Oh no! don't tickle! Pbth! Eek! Hee hee ha ha! Stop it! I can't hold on! Hee hee hoo hoo! Aaugh! Nice landing. I'm probably paralyzed. All except your mouth obviously. I'm not sorry at all. Give me back my shoes. No.
+19870727 I can't believe how dull my life is. It's so boring here. Nothing ever changes around here. Nothing ever happens. It seems as if (hang on) everybody but me gets to have an exciting life. Actually, I'd like less excitement in my life. Why? Are you doing fun things when I'm not around?? Huh? Are you?!
+19870728 What's wrong, Calvin? Why are you still in bed? I don't feel good. Your forehead seems warm. We'd better take your temperature. I can't be sick now! It's still summer vacation! There's no school to stay home from! This is my time! Somebody owes me big for this!!
+19870729 Hi there, Calvin. I understand you're not feeling well. Me? I'm fine! I just sit around torture chambers in my underwear for kicks. Let's see your degree, you quack! I'm not going to hurt you. I'm just going to examine you to see what's wrong. I'll tell you what's wrong! I've got Dr. Frankenstein for a pediatrician, that's what's wrong! Nurse, call the anesthesiologist in here, will you please? My Dad's a lawyer, I'll have you know! Don't come near me!
+19870730 Deep in a dank dungeon on the dismal planet Zog, the fearless Spaceman Spiff is held prisoner by the sinister Zog king. A guard leads Spiff to the interrogation room. Our hero is stoic and defiant! At last I meet the famed Spaceman Spiff! I trust you are ... heh ... heh ... enjoying your visit? You're wasting your time, maggot from mars! I'll never give in! Never, you hear me?! Never! Kid, don't make me recant the Hippocratic oath, ok?
+19870731 Well, you certainly were a terror in the doctor's office. I fended him off with his own tongue depressor. That's why I didn't get a shot. You didn't need a shot. Your behavior was inexcusable. All that counts is that he couldn't get near enough to stick me. He thinks I'm a little pink pin cushion in underpants. Someday I hope you have a kid that puts you through what I've gone through. Yeah, Grandma says that's what she used to tell you.
+19870801 Here is a proud city. Full of happy prosperous citizens. They go on about their business, unaware that the moon mysteriously moved a few miles closer to the earth. Unaware, that is, until the tide comes in. Sploosh! Gisshhh!
+19870802 The fire's not lighting, huh? Can I make a suggestion? Give up on that sissy lighter fluid. Can't we cook the hamburgers yet? The coals aren't hot enough. But I'm hungry I want to eat now! Well, you'll just have to wait. You know, Calvin sometimes the anticipation of something is more fun than the thing itself once you get it. Here we are, it's a beautiful evening. It's nice to just sit here and look at the trees while we wait for the coals to get hot, don't you think? Dinner will be over soon, and afterward we'll be distracted with other things to do. But now we have a few minutes to ourselves to enjoy the evening. These summer days go by so quickly. It's good that every now and then we have to wait for something. So should I go to McDonald's then, or what? Yeah, I know you think you are going to be six all of your life.
+19870803 (NO TEXT) - cowboy and indian
+19870804 What a perfect day! Isn't it great to be on summer vacation? To be able to enjoy all this with no school and no responsibilities? ... ahhhhhhh ... I can't believe there's nothing on TV but repeats.
+19870805 I think a bee landed on my back! Can you see it? I don't want to move. That's not a bee. It isn't? Whew. No, that's a hornet if I ever saw one! Ow!
+19870806 If you could have three wishes granted, what would they be? Just three wishes, huh? Hmm. That would be a tough decision. I guess I'd have to think about it a while. Oops! Hang on. Ok. I know what my first wish would be.
+19870807 One of nature's uglier creatures, the bat is a misunderstood marvel of evolution. Producing a series of loud, high-pitched squeaks, the bat can judge an insect's distance and elevation by the time delay of the squeak's echo! Changes in the echo's pitch reveal the doomed bug's direction! No movement escapes the incredible senses of the bat! Glump! Ta-daa! Eyes closed! Calvin, sit up and eat with a fork like a civilized human being.
+19870808 Yawn. Waauughh! For the last time, get out of bed! We're going to be late. I'm trying. I'm trying.
+19870809 That run doesn't count! You didn't touch third base! That's 'cause third base crawled to the outfield! Wap! Ha ha! Easy out! Hey! Where are you going?! You have to stay on the base line, you cheater! Yeah? Prove it! This isn't fair! You can't run anywhere! Just watch me! If we had a first baseman, you'd've been out a long time ago! But we don't, do we? Gotcha! You're out! Ok, I'm up to bat again! What fun! Two man baseball is a real sport! A real sport for idiots. Next time I'm going to tag you out with the bat instead of the ball.
+19870810 Hobbes, did you hear? Mom and Dad are taking us camping! We get to live in a tent and go fishing and canoeing! Won't that be fun? We'll be roughing it! Living off the land! No TV or radio or ... uh-oh. What's wrong? This sounds suspiciously like one of Dad's plots to build my character.
+19870811 Gosh, this is going to be a fun vacation! Camping out! Wow! I can't wait to get there! A whole week hiking and canoeing and swimming and fishing! A whole week without a single newspaper or a decent cup of real coffee. Doesn't Mom like camping? Mom was up a little too late packing.
+19870812 See that island ahead? That's where we're camping! Oh boy! Ahh, this is the life! Fresh air, clean water, lots of exercise, and ... boom! Dear, you're back-paddling. We're turning around and finding a hotel!
+19870813 When's this rain going to let up? I don't know, Calvin. Hey, cheer up gang! I packed storm gear. "Always be prepared." You know. These ponchos are super. They're thermal-sealed lightweight nylon, laminated with flexible urethane for complete water protection! Yeah, Dad, it's great that we won't get wetter than we already are. Zinc oxide, thongs, tanning lotion ... wrong duffel bag. Let's see, which one of these was it?
+19870814 I'm glad Dad finally got the tents up. Now I can get out of these soggy clothes. Too bad you can't put on dry clothes. You'd feel a lot better. Hey, wait! No! Don't do that here! Ackpth!
+19870815 Some trooper you are! What's a little rain? This is what being in the wilderness is all about! Ha ha! At least it's not snowing, right? Right? I mean, say it was snowing so hard we couldn't make a fire. Boy, I love cold canned ravioli.
+19870816 Tum de ta ta dee dee do. Boy, this sure beats sitting in an office all day! Is it still raining? Of course, it's still raining. It's been raining for days. Why should it stop now?! We're going to need a vacation after this vacation. I'll say! We can't even keep a fire going. I can't believe dad went out to catch fish. In this weather? He's a fanatic! Either that or we're al out of packaged food. We'll probably starve to death on this god-forsaken rock. After all that spam, starving doesn't sound so bad. If we live to get home, I'm never going to set foot outside again as long as I live. What a lucky kid Calvin is! I never got to do this stuff when I was his age. Hey Calvin! Want to learn how to gut a fish?
+19870817 How's the water? Freezing. I'm coming out. Hand me my towel. Ok? Wring wring. This is the dumbest vacation I've ever been on.
+19870818 It has been very buggy week, has it? You're really reaching, Dad.
+19870819 We're packing up! Yep. I've had enough what a rotten week! Wap! Do you know what any of Dad's words meant? No, but I wrote some of them down so we can look 'em up when we get home.
+19870820 Well, gang, I'm sorry the weather wasn't any better this week. I know it wasn't always a lot of fun, but we lived through it, and we got ot spend some time together and that's what's really important. Anyway, I hope you're all not too disappointed. Calvin, tell your dad any judge would take this trip as grounds for divorce. Dad, Mom says ... All right! All right!
+19870821 Dad, can you get my ball out of the gutter again? This is the third time this afternoon! I though I told you to play out back! Relax, Dad. It's just a ball in the gutter, it's not as if I've been embezzling money or killing people. Right? Aren't you glad I'm not stealing and murdering? I always have to help dad establish the proper context.
+19870822 C'mon Hobbes. Let down the rope ladder. What's the rest of the password? I think five verses extolling tigers is plenty. You know it's me! Let me up! No. ooh, why you lousy rotten, stinking ... If you call me names, you have to start over at the beginning. Verse six: "Tigers are nimble and light on their toes, my respect for tigers continually grows." You're not doing the dance.
+19870823 Ah-choo! Whew. No brains. Ah ah ah ah choo!! The force of the nasal explosion sends Calvin reeling through the stratosphere! With less and less air to resist his momentum, he breaks the pull of earth's gravity and hurls past the moon! As he passes out of the galaxy, Calvin reflects on the wisdom of covering one's mouth when sneezing to deflect the propulsion. Alas, it is knowledge gained too late for poor Calvin, the human satellite! But wait! Another sneeze is brewing! Calvin turns himself around! The second sneeze rockets him back to earth! He's saved! It's a miracle! Ah choo! God bless you. Oh, he does, Mom, he does.
+19870824 The end of summer is always hard on me. Trying to cram all the goofing off I've been meaning to do.
+19870825 How come you're still home? Why aren't you at work? I took the day off. Say, Dad, can I have a look at the classified section? As soon as I'm through with it. Gosh Dad, I'd sure like to borrow that section right this minute. Why don't you read the editorials? "New dad wanted. Frequent traveler preferred. Liberal views on discipline a must, ask for Calvin during normal work hours."
+19870826 I don't wanna take a bath! I hate taking baths! Aaaahhhh! No no no! They can make me do it, but they can't make me do it with dignity.
+19870827 Rats. I can't tell my gum from my silly putty.
+19870828 (NO TEXT) jump rope stumble
+19870829 I'm never gonna get married are you? Hmm ... I suppose if the right person came along, I might. Somebody with green eyes and a nice laugh, who I could call "pooty pie". Pooty pie?? Or "Bitsy Pookums." I think that would affect my stomach a lot more than my heart. "Bitsy Pookums." I'd say "Yes Snoogy Woogy." She'd reply ...
+19870830 There (pant) see? I ... I tried it. (cough) It almost (wheeze) killed ... me. Encore. Bravo. I'm going to run away to Alaska.
+19870831 Want to go time traveling with me? See, I built a time machine. This looks like your transmogrifier. To the inattentive and brainless layman, yes, but you crawl under the transmogrifier, whereas with the time machine, you climb in the top. Ahh.
+19870901 Are we going to travel into the past or into the future? Well, I suppose if we went into the past, I could ace any upcoming history exams in school. That might be useful. But if we went into the future we could swipe something and pretend to invent it when we got back. We could be rich. The future it is, then! Right. Once I'm rich, I can hire somebody to take all my dumb tests!
+19870902 OK, Hobbes, our time machine is all set, put on your goggles and we'll be off to the future! Why do we have to wear goggles? Geez, do you think traveling years into the future is like driving down the street?! We've got to contend with vortexes and light speeds! Anything could go wrong! Of course we need to wear goggles! Gosh, I think my goggles are in the bedroom. If I'm not back in a couple of minutes, you can go without me. Sit down, sissy. I already got your goggles.
+19870903 All ready? I'll just push the button and off we go into the future! Up, up and awaayyy! We're approaching light speed Hobbes! Hang on! I have to go to the bathroom. Now?! In hyperspace?! Are you crazy?!
+19870904 What year in the future are we going to land? It's hard to pinpoint exactly, but I'd say sometime around the turn of the century. I hope ol' earth is still around then. I've grown fond of it. If not, we'll return to the present and see if Dad will give me my college tuition early in cash.
+19870905 Hang on! We're coming in! screeechhh! Wow! So this is the future! I kinda pictured more buildings. Maybe we landed in an aboretum.
+19870906 You know, some people never get to walk in a beautiful woods like this. While others of us face the prospect of never doing anything else. Oh, hush we'll find our way home. You don't remember any of this? Nope, we're sure lost this time. If I had known we weren't going to find our way home, I'd have brought my coloring books. We could be out here for months. We'd better forge for shelter this will be fun! We can be modern Robinson Crusoes, living off the land by our wits! We can be rugged explorers! Yeah! We'll be free from all the constraints of civilization! Oh boy! Hey, isn't that our back yard? Why, so it is. I don't care how long you'll be gone, I'm only making you one sandwich. How about rifles then? Do we have any rifles?
+19870907 Let's have a look around I'm sure we'll run into a robot or something. Look at this. Gosh, I wonder what futuristic device this is! Some sort of transportation pod, I'd guess. I wonder how you get in? I don't see a door or license number anywhere. This is very peculiar. Have you ever seen a tree this color?
+19870908 I must say, the future is quite a bit different than I expected. This breeze is so hot and muggy. I figured they'd be able to control the weather by now. The air stinks, too. I guess there's still pollution. Ever feel as if you're being monitored? ... or that you're about to do a double-take?
+19870909 Aaugh back to the time machine! Run! We must've gone back in time instead of forward! What tipped you off? The dinosaur?! Don't get smart, fuzzbrain. Just get in and face the other direction so we can go into the future this time! You mean we went into the past because we were facing the wrong way!! You think I've got some triple-a map?! Maybe you'd like to steer this time!
+19870910 We made it! It's a good thing the time machine didn't stall, or we'd have been eaten by dinosaurs! We're coming back toward the present now. Do you want to stop at home or keep going into the future like we planned? I've had enough time traveling, let's go home. Let's go just a little into the future and see what I'm like as a teen-ager! Let's not, all right?
+19870911 Hi, Mom. Hobbes and I went time traveling and visited the Jurassic period today. That's nice. What's it like? Pretty scary. A dinosaur almost ate us. Actually, we were trying to go into the future, but we made a mistake. I see, well, I'm glad you made it back. Your mom isn't fazed by much is she? It depends, she didn't take the frogs in the toilet so well, remember?
+19870912 Dad, look! The sun's setting and it's only 3 o'clock! It's not 3 o'clock, your watch stopped. Time doesn't stop if your watch stops? Nope. Phooey. For a moment there, I thought I'd get rich patenting this thing. I'd have bought one.
+19870913 Wipe that grin off your face! Well, Hobbes. How do I look? I'm doing my best to bite my tongue. I cut out construction paper feathers and taped them on my arms so I can fly! Pretty neat huh? If paper feathers are all it takes to fly, don't you think we'd have heard about it before? It takes an uncommon mind to think of these things, Hobbes. I'd agree with that. Here's a gorge. This is a good spot. You're going to jump off this ledge? Heck no! I need momentum! I want you to toss me over. You understand I assume no responsibility for this? Heave! I'm flying. I'm flying! I'm uh oh. Don't sell the bike shop Orville. Shuh up and go get me some antiseptic.
+19870914 Mom wants me to clean my room. This is the last straw! I don't have to put up with this totalitarianism! I'm seceding! Gee, can you secede form your own family? Why not? I never signed up for this group! I wasn't even consulted! The only reason Mom and Dad are my parents is because I was born to them! A biological conspiracy, huh?
+19870915 We can live anywhere we want to now that we're seceding from the family! Where do you want to go? The Sahara? Antarctica? How are we going to get to any of those places? We don't even have a car! Ok Dad, for this amazing trick I'll need an ordinary American Express card. Now close your eyes ...
+19870916 Hobbes and I are seceding form this family, Mom. Oh really? Yep. We're taking my sled and moving to the Yukon. Well, that's a long way away. I know. Here's a list of sandwiches and supplies we'll need. Why should I do all this if you're seceding from the family? We haven't seceded yet! Geez. What kind of mom are you?
+19870917 Well, I guess we're all packed. Comic books, dart gun, space helmet and toboggan! We're off to the Yukon! Do we have a map? Ooh, that's right! Glad you remembered! I'll go get one! Don't we have any road maps of the Yukon, Mom? I doubt it. Ok, here's the Yukon. Now see if you can find the United States. Here they are! Look how close it is! This won't take any time at all!
+19870918 So long, "Mom"! We're off to the Yukon. It's been nice living here ... but not real nice! Ha ha! Calvin! Wait a minute. Leave it to a mother to drag out a goodbye. Sheesh. You're going southeast, north is that way. Oh yeah. I knew that.
+19870919 This sled is heavy. I thought we were going to ride it most of the way to the Yukon. We've only been walking 20 minutes, Hobbes. We probably won't get to northern Canada until this afternoon. In that case I'm taking a break. Good idea, want a comic book? Here's Captain Nitro. I want a sandwich. We just have one apiece. We should save 'em in case we can't catch a walrus.
+19870920 You only packed two sandwiches for our entire trip to the Yukon? Relax, Hobbes. These sandwiches will give us energy to spare. Mmff. Whath Thith? Honey n marthmallowth? That one is the other has chocolate syrup. As long as we're taking a break, we might as well record our progress in the log. Journey to the Yukon: Day one. Have traveled for twenty minutes. No snow so far. Food supplies low. Nevertheless, morale is high as we push north. My morale would be a lot higher if you'd carry the toboggan. Me?! I'm the leader of this expedition! I'm forging the path! I think it's my turn to be leader now. You can't be the leader! See I've got the commander hat. That can easily be remedied. Hey! Leggo! This is my helmet! Ow, quit biting! This is mutiny! Give that back. I'm the captain now. I give the commands. First, I decree double rations for all officers to aid their decision making capabilities. Oh, no you don't! that last sandwich is mine.
+19870921 I'm not going to be led by you! I'm the rightful captain! You just stole my captain helmet! Let's say you gave it to me under extreme duress. Ooh, if you were littler than me, boy, I'd found you! Ha! Your mom told me you have a weird disease and you're going to get smaller as you grow older! She did not! That's not true! In fact, she's already got a contract from the circus side show. I saw it myself. I'm not listening! I'm not listening! Ohh say can you see ...
+19870922 If I can't lead the expedition I'm not going at all! You can go to the Yukon yourself. Ha! As captain, I fire you anyway! Good! I'm going home! You don't have a home. You seceded, remember? My life needs a rewind/erase button. ... and a volume control.
+19870923 What if Mom and Dad won't take me back because I seceded? What if they tell me I can't rejoin the family? They have to take me back! I'm their stupid kid, right? Right! ... the operative word being stupid.
+19870924 Gosh, maybe Mom and Dad sold all my belongings when I seceded. Maybe they rented out my room. Maybe they moved! ... a lot can happen when you are gone all morning! ... Mommmm!!
+19870925 I'm back, Mom. I changed my mind about seceding I want to be your kid again, ok? You'll always be my kid. I'm glad you're back. Well, Hobbes was being a moron. So I decided I didn't want to live in the Yukon with him. So where is Hobbes now? Isn't he back yet? How could Hobbes get back by himself? You're right that dumb tiger couldn't find his way out of an empty room.
+19870926 Bedtime, Calvin. Where's Hobbes? I suppose he's wherever you left him. You mean he's still in the woods?? It's night out! What have I told you about leaving your belongings? Hobbes is lost! I'll get a flashlight! We've got to find him! Hobbes! Hobbes! Calvin, it's your bedtime! Don't pull this stunt now!
+19870927 Hobbes, you mangy fuzz-brained lunk head, where are you?? ... I didn't mean that quite the way the sounded. C'mon Calvin, get back inside it's too late to go searching for your stuffed tiger now. I can't leave Hobbes alone in the woods at night! Well, maybe you should have thought about that before it got dark. This can be a little lesson, huh? I thought he'd come back by himself. I didn't think he'd get lost! We'll look for him tomorrow, now off to bed with you. Sniff. I hope he's ok. If he hadn't been acting so stupid I would have never left him. I sure wish he'd come back. Calvin left Hobbes somewhere in the woods. The poor kid's pretty upset. I'll bet. I mean, he's really upset. I said I'll bet he is. Really upset. Would my dad have done this? Of course not. I was never spoiled like this ...
+19870928 No luck? Of course not! How am I going to find a stuffed tiger in the woods at night?! Why can't Calvin keep track of his toys?! I must be crazy to be out here. Hobbes! Oops. Heh heh. I may be crazy, but I'm not as crazy as you.
+19870929 Is that you? Did you find Hobbes? It's almost midnight. Yeah, I got him. He was out there with the toboggan. Oh, honey, thank you! Calvin will be so happy!! Mmf. He'd better be, or tomorrow I'll leave him in the woods. C'mon we'll put Hobbes in Calvin's bed so he'll see him first thing tomorrow. He snuggled up in his sleep! What a little angel! Only at night, I'm going to bed.
+19870930 Hobbes! You're back! I'm so glad to see you! I'm glad to see you, too. Gosh, weren't you scared being out in the woods at night? Heck no, tigers aren't scared of that! I got so bored I hiked back. Mom! Look! Hobbes is back! Yes, your dad found him last night and brought him in. is that soo?! Mm-hmm. Why don't you go thank him right now?
+19871001 Hi, Calvin. I brought Mr. Bun over so we can play house, you and I can be the parents, and Hobbes and Mr. Bun can be our children. Oh, right. Hobbes and I are gonna put our big plans on hold so we can play house with a stuffed rabbit? Forget it! I don't see why you'll play with your dumb ol' tiger and not with Mr. Bun and me! You're just mean, that's all! Go play in a microwave, Susie. We're busy. Girls are like slugs - they probably serve some purpose, but it's hard to imagine what. Mr. Bun seems comatose. Did you notice?
+19871002 Uh oh. It happened again. Calvin wakes up without any recognizable features, save two antennae. How disgusting. He oozes out of bed on a trail of slive. Lacking arms and legs, how will Calvin put on his clothes? Aren't you dressed yet? You are so sluggish in the morning!
+19871003 Where are you going with the toy telephone? Out in the woods, you can come along if you'd like. What are you going to do? Try some bird calls.
+19871004 Eep! Ha ha! Right here kid! Help! Help! The leaf pile's got me!! The rake! Gotta get the rake! Forget it kid! You're doomed! Yaahh! Back you arboreal menace! Back! Wham wham! Sinister fiend! You won't be tricking other innocent little kids! I'll spread you across the whole yard! I though you said you were going to rake the yard today. I did rake the yard. I spent all afternoon ... where's Calvin?!
+19871005 Your dad and I are going out to see a movie tonight. Can I come too? No, you're staying home. What, I got the plague?! Why can't I come? Because other people like watch movies without hearing advice shouted to the characters on the screen. So who does that? Are you saying I do that?
+19871006 Mom won't let us go to the movie with them, so I guess we're on our own for tonight. Can we watch TV? What Mom and Dad don't know won't hurt them, right? In fact, after they leave let's get in the other car and learn to drive! Oh, boy! I get to beep the horn, ok? Hey, there's a teen-ager coming up the drive. Oh no! it's Rosalyn! Our bab sitter?! What's she doing here? Don't Mom and Dad trust us?? Quick, hide!!
+19871007 We're leaving now, Rosalyn. Calvin is upstairs. I hope he's not too much trouble tonight. Don't worry, I brought a cattle prod this time! You're mom and dad laughed. Maybe it was a joke. Maybe Mom and Dad think scorching little kids is funny, let's go.
+19871008 Calvin? Are you in there? C'mon out and we'll make some popcorn. Calvin? Oh brother. I see you Calvin! C'mon back inside. No way lady! If you want us you'll have to catch us! Oh geez ... run! She's wearing cleats! Outta my way! Outta my way!
+19871009 Let's go! Back in the house! No more monkey business. All right? Phooey. It's my job to watch you and that's what I'm going to do, even if I have to strap you to a chair. Got it? Jawohl, mein fuhrer! Care to repeat that little comment? I said I'm not going anywhere. Leggo.
+19871010 We're home, Rosalyn. Was Calvin any trouble? Not too much. I sent him to bed a little while ago. That's good. Knock knock. Now who could that be at this hour? Police, sir. We received a call about two hostages being held here. Calvin! Get down here!
+19871011 Well, if you didn't get in a fight at school, what on earth happened to you?! Let's just say sometimes I wish I had a gerbil.
+19871012 Hi, Dad. I'm repeating everything anyone says. Oh, you are, are you? Oh, you are, are you? Knock it off, Calvin. That's very annoying. Knock it off, Calvin. That's very annoying. I forfeit all my desserts for a week. Ok, give them to me. Ha ha. Why don't you go bother your mother for a while?
+19871013 Psst ... Susie! What's the answer to question four? Imadoofus. Thanks! The tooth fairy's gonna make you rich tonight Susie.
+19871014 Let's see what you drew for art class, Susie. Well, a tidy little domestic scene. A house in a yard with flowers. How typically female. Girls think small and are preoccupied with pretty details. But boys think big! Boys think about action and accomplishment! No wonder it's men who change the world! Yeah? What did you draw? A squadron of B-1's nuking New York.
+19871015 Mom, can Hobbes and I rent a VCR and a tape tonight? I don't think so, Calvin. It's a school night. What if we got an educational tape? Like what? Cannibal stewardess vixens unchained. Now she won't even let us go into the store. I think we'd learn a lot by watching that.
+19871016 Nobody had better be sneaking up on me!! Whump! It's hard to change direction in mid-air. Buddy. I'm going to change a lot more than your direction.
+19871017 Snip. Snap. Crack. Sometimes it's good to hush up a while and let autumn stick in a few words.
+19871018 A dazed Spaceman Spiff crawls from the smoking wreckage of his ship! Our hero now regrets not buying a towing rider on his insurance policy. The courageous Spaceman Spiff has been captured by the hideous Zorgs of Planet X-13! Led through the dank corridors of the dungeon, Spiff looks in vain for an opportunity to escape! Our hero is brought before the Zorg despot! So this is the famed space explorer Spiff! I've waited a long time for this moment earthling scum! You have knowledge we need. Cooperate and we'll kill you rather painlessly. Let's dispense with the pleasantries, you twisted space crustacean. What is it you want from me? A summary of Lewis and Clarks expedition to the Pacific! Ha! Wild Zontars couldn't drag that information out of me! Do your worst! You didn't read the assignment, did you, Calvin?
+19871019 Hey, Calvin, c'mere. Shove. Ha ha ha! What a weenie! Ha ha ha! People who get nostalgic about childhood were obviously never children.
+19871020 You look down in the dumps. I am. Moe keeps knocking me down at school for no reason. He's mean just for kicks. I sure am glad you're an animal. Animals sometimes make a lot more sense than people do. ... and we're cuter too. Right, Hobbes, good point.
+19871021 Look, Hobbes, I need you to come to school with me and show Moe a little fang ok? You don't need to kill him or anything. Just give him something to think about on the way to surgery. He usually comes after me at recess, so we'll get him then. Hey, you don't have rabies, do you? Certainly not. Rats. Well, I suppose he'd at least have to get a tetanus shot.
+19871022 Hey, Calvin. Why'd you bring your stuffed tiger to school? It's not a show and tell day. I know. Hobbes is going to give Moe a little "treat" today: a ride in an ambulance helicopter. Yeah? How's he going to do that? If you have an aversion to descriptions of carnage, you probably don't want to know. Talking with you is sort of the conversational equivalent of an out of the body experience. Don't get to close now. I want Hobbes to stay fresh for this afternoon.
+19871023 Look Calvin's got a teddy bear that's real sweet Calvin. It's a tiger you brainless invertebrate. Hey, maybe I'd like to play with your teddy! Good idea, moe. Hobbes plays kinda rough, but he's lots of fun. C'mere and take him. Why? Is the teacher watching? This is a trick, right? I'm not touching your stupid teddy, see? C'mon, I dare you! What's the matter? Are you chicken? Ha ha! Boy! You sure scared him off! You were great! Come back and call me a bear again! Yeah, you, bub!
+19871024 I called your teacher about Moe's bullying and she said she'd put a stop to it. I'm afraid you wasted your time Mom. Moe took one look at Hobbes and just about lost his lunch! I don't think Moe will be bothering me for a while. It's not every kid who has a tiger for a best friend. ... and what lucky mom's those kids have. C'mon Hobbes, if you'll lend me a buck, I'll buy you a comic book.
+19871025 I wish it was Saturday instead of Sunday. Any day you have to take a bath and to go to bed early isn't a day off in my book. Autumn Sundays are the worst. You can ever really enjoy Sunday's because in the back of your mind you know you have to go to school the next day. And when the leaves change color it just reminds you even more that summers over and school's just begun. Gee, I like this season best of all! The trees are like natures own fireworks display! I love the brisk air, the early evenings, the ... uh ... the ... yes, well ... hmm. Kapow! Fwoosh! Zingg! You didn't mention fresh applesauce, fuzzhead. Do you like applesauce.
+19871026 Processed lunch meat is pretty scary. What are those little specks anyway? Lizard parts? Who knows? And this "skin." I heard it used to be made of intestine, but I think nowadays it's plastic. Of course, they dye and wax fruit so it looks better. It's like eating a candle. And Mom wonders why I'm so hungry after school. Yep, we'd probably be dead now if it wasn't for Twinkies.
+19871027 Hey, Dad, your latest poll just came in. let's see what it says. Be still, my heart. Well, I'll be! Your popularity is improving! You went up 30 points! Really? Heck, no wonder! I'm reading the graph upside down. What a klutz I am! ... hope you are all packed, Dad. Don't you have some homework to do?
+19871028 I like to mess with his dreams. Zz ... cookies? For me? Why sure, back up the truck.
+19871029 Buurrp! Good heavens, Calvin! What do we say after that? Must be a barge coming through! What do you say?! That sure tasted better going down than coming up! Three strikes and you're history, kiddo. Excuse me.
+19871030 With ultra-sonic hearing, Stupendous Man notices a cry of distress from a distant alleyway! He leaps to the edge of the building and prepares to swoop to the rescue! Stupendous Man had not quite realized just how high up he was, however. At this altitude the winds were a little tricky, and ... Are you going, or do you need a push? Don't rush me, all right?!
+19871031 Lurch your way to the car, kid. You need a haircut.
+19871101 Your dad's working, so try not to bother him, ok? Dad, I have a question. Yes? Do people ever spontaneously combust? Uh ... not that I know of, no. That's a relief. Thanks, Dad. You're welcome. Pow! Did I fool you? If you're having trouble thinking of ways to make yourself useful. I'll give you some suggestions.
+19871102 Think it's getting any colder out? Not really. I don't think it's gonna change. Me either. Nuts. Well, let's go in.
+19871103 Whatcha doing? Counterfeiting money. It's really hard. Look at all the little lines on this bill. Think anyone will fall for your forgery? Sure. Everyone will. Ol' George has the gout I see. I said this was hard.
+19871104 The giant whale swims toward the surface! It's massive tail pumping furiously, he gains terrifying momentum! The 35-ton behemoth breaches! He crashes into the surf with deafening impact! Calvin, you'd better not be splashing the floor, you hear me?!
+19871105 I won't eat any cereal that doesn't turn the milk purple.
+19871106 The deadly tornado makes it's way across the community. The circling updraft clocks at over 200 mph! The twister searches for a trailer park! Finding one, it touches down! Debris is thrown for miles in the ensuing explosion of rushing air! When are you going to clean up this room?! It looks like a ... tornado hit it, I know.
+19871107 Oh boy, it's Saturday!! What's going on? Why aren't there any cartoons on TV? It's just a test pattern. The TV guide says they don't start until 6:30. Heck, that's 45 minutes form now! Well, c'mon. I'll race you up and down the stairs! Why can't he ever get up like this on school days? Go break his little legs, will you honey?
+19871108 Kiss Hobbes good night too, Mom. If you don't get a good night kiss, you get Kafka dreams. Sleep tight. Don't let the bedbugs bite. What's that supposed to mean? Do we have vermin in this house?? The mattress is moving! Mom! It must be a bedbug! Gaah! Legs!! It must be huge! How disgusting! Ugghh! I'll run for some bug spray! Don't let him out! I need more weight! Put your foot locker up here! What's going on up there?! It sounds like he's moving furniture! I got some raid! Lift up the mattress! Let him have it! Gosh, all that spray didn't kill him! What are we going to do?! I hear your dad coming! Maybe he can kill it! About time, Dad! He crawled back into the bed! Get a fly swatter! I'll (cough) tell you who's going to get swatted! (choke) what have you done to this room?!!
+19871109 Bad news on your campaign to stay dad, Dad. Oh? Yep. The latest poll of six-year-olds in this household shows that they don't care about issues this year. It's character that counts. So why the bad news? Who's the bimbo with you in this old picture? That bimbo is your mother! Who's a bimbo?! Pretty funky hairdo, Mom!
+19871110 It's the sad truth, Dad. Nobody cares about your positions on fatherhood. We just want to know about your character. If you're going to be dad here, we have to know you've never done or said anything that would reflect poorly on your judgement. I have your college yearbook here. Let's flip through it, shall we? Is this you with the keg and the "party naked" t-shirt. Give me that!
+19871111 Grandpa says the comics were a lot better years ago when newspapers printed them bigger. He says comics now are just a bunch of Xeroxed talking heads because there's no space to tell a decent story or to show any action. He thinks people should write to their newspapers and complain. Your grandpa takes the funnies pretty seriously. Yeah, mom's looking into nursing homes.
+19871112 Did you read this? This TV star made over twenty million dollars last year! What would you do with twenty million bucks? Beats me. I think its ridiculous that anyone makes that kind of money. Ok. Say you only made fifteen million. Let's say eighteen.
+19871113 Hi, Mom. Bum ba da bum bum. What's cooking. Ha ha ha ha. What's with you? I thought my life would be seem more interesting with a musical score and laugh track.
+19871114 I made up a joke. A man's going for a walk, so he gets his dog and says "heel." ... and the dog looks up and says "it takes one to know one, buster!" ha ha ha. What's the matter with you? Don't you get it? Ahhh, what do tigers know about sophisticated humor, anyway? How did the dog learn to talk?
+19871115 Go way back. I'm really gonna belt this. Keep going. Keep going. I said way back! Keep going! That dummy, he can't kick it this far. What're you doing? I'm ten yards from the goal line! Aren't you going to try and catch me?!? I could crawl on my hands and knees to make a touchdown before you'd ever get me from back there! What's the matter with you?? Oops. Do you want to keep trying for the last two yards, or just give me the ball now. I call a ten year time out to grow up some more.
+19871116 Hi, Susie. What do you have for lunch today? Don't even talk to me. I don't want to hear how disgusting you think my lunch is. My lunch is fine. Relax, I wasn't going to say a word about your lunch. Pass me some salt, will you please? Here. Thanks, slugs are so chewy before you shrivel them up.
+19871117 I'm home. I read that tigers' spinal columns are like big coiled springs! I read that their brains are like big bows of tapioca.
+19871118 Blecchh! How long are those two gonna keep kissing? This program only lasts for an hour! Geez, look at them slobbering over each other's faces! Why would anybody do that? Do they like it? Bed time. There's a connection here, I just know it.
+19871119 Quit hogging the bed. You're way over on my side. Tough beans fuzz face. Ever thinka bout the geysers and waterfalls? Hundreds of thousands of gallons of water! Flowing, spilling, rushing, gushing, splashing. He really fights mean.
+19871120 Spaceman Spiff flees the despicable scum beings of planet Q-13! In a surprise maneuver, our hero turns to face the adversary! His hand tightens around the death ray trigger! It doesn't respond. Spiff reaches for the mertilizer beam, but it doesn't work either! Neither do the phospho bombs or the mordo blasters! Nothing is working!! 1812! Gettysburg! 16 fluid ounces! I before E! Thomas Edison! Perhaps someone who has been paying attention can help out Calvin!
+19871121 I keep forgetting that five of his six ends are pointy when he lies like that.
+19871122 If you don't hurry up, you'll miss the school bus. That's the best news I've heard today. Let's see what should I wear today? Aaugh! Now, boys! Get 'im. Help help help. Hold his arms! Grab his feet! Ok, boys, just like we planned! Striped pants polka dot shirt! Plaid jacket! Everybody on! Hey! I'm not going out like this! Get off me! Lift his legs! Make him walk! Look at you! Have you gone colorblind?? I don't want to hear about it.
+19871123 Since September, it's just gotten colder and colder. There's less daylight now, I've noticed too. Oh no! This can mean only one thing! The sun is going out! In a few more months earth will be a dark and lifeless ball of ice! Well, gee, now I don't feel so bad about not setting up an IRA last year.
+19871124 Dad says the sun isn't going out. He says it's colder because the earth's orbit is taking us farther from the Sun. He says winter will be here soon. Isn't it sad how some peoples grip on their lives is so precarious that they'll embrace any preposterous delusion rather than face an occasional bleak truth.
+19871125 Are you going to live the last few months of your life differently, now that the Sun is going out and we're all doomed? No, I've always believed in living each day as if it was my last so I never have any regrets. Kind of inspiring huh? If you were someone else it might be. Pass me that issue of Captain Napalm will you?
+19871126 My teacher said the same thing Dad did. The Sun isn't going out after all! It's just getting colder because winter's coming. Dad was right all along. Imagine ol' Dad knowing something like that!
+19871127 What's the story you're going to read me, Dad? It doesn't have any romance in it, does it? Uh ... Edit it out if it does. I hate romance. Does it have any boring description in it? Well ... Skip it if you see any. I like my stories fast and gripping. It doesn't have a moral, does it I hate being told how to live my life. Skip the moral, too. Ok? Does his majesty prefer color pictures or black and white?
+19871128 The mighty destroyer patrols the seas! Suddenly the ship spins out of control! It's caught in a whirlpool! Within moments the giant vessel dips it's hull into the swirling vortex and is never seen again! Oh no! Here goes the rest of the navy! Are you letting the water out already?
+19871129 Calvin, it's time to wake up. Calvin, it's time to wake up. C'mon you'll be late for school. My dreams are getting way to literal.
+19871130 I'm going to be the next Houdini! Tie me to this chair and I'll escape! Tie the knots tighter, don't make it so easy for me. Tie my feet, too. All right, let's see y ou get out of that. Ha! The great Calvini can escape from anything! Calvin, dinner time! Should I tell her you're tied up at the moment, ha ha? I'll be (mmf) out of here (rrg) in no time, gosh. I can't even move.
+19871201 Your dinner's getting cold, Calvin! I'll be down in a second. You want me to help untie you? No! don't touch those ropes! I want to escape! It's easy. I just rock a little to loosen the knots, no ropes can hold me! Whoop! Ow!! Good thing you're doing this here before you tried it under water.
+19871202 Mmf! Gggk! It's no use. You'd better untie me I can't escape. Let's see, this end goes in here, and around over there. You know knots are pretty tricky. Hurry up. If I pull on this it should ... ahh! That's tighter! Pull the other way! The other way! Calvin, this is the last chance for dinner! Get down here! Sit tight. Ha ha! I'll get your cub scout manual. I don't believe this.
+19871203 I always wanted to be a cub scout and get merit badges and stuff, but I hate going to meetings. Ok ok. Just read about knots, all right? Hey, look, here's a motto! I didn't know you had a motto! Wow, what fun! Live for revenge is going to be my motto if you don't get me out of this. I'll quiz you. What do you for a second degree burn? Don't flip through the book, you idiot! Untie me! Hmph, if I was in your predicament, I'd treat me with a lot more respect. Do you say you're sorry? Mff! Rrggh! Ooh! You dirty rotten stinking.
+19871204 Hobbes, I'm not kidding. If you don't get me loose in ten seconds ... You got yourself into this, Mr Houdini, not me. But I'm supposed to be at dinner! Mom's gonna kill me! Escape artists have a risky trade. Hey, here's morse code! Ok, I'm sorry I called you names. I said I'm sorry, right? Now untie me. Here's how you say "banana" in morse. Dash dot dot dot, dot dash ... What is that kid doing?! It sounds like a chair thumping around the room. Well, his dinner is stone cold. I hope he's happy.
+19871205 All right, young man! You've wasted the nice meal your mom fixed. Get out here. You tied yourself up?? What on earth were you doing?! Hobbes tied me up, Dad! It's his fault. Don't make up lies, Calvin. How did you get yourself like this?! Hobbes did it Dad! He was going to hold me for ransom! Honest! Ransom?? Who'd pay for you, you big fibber?! I'm certainly glad your dad saw through that filthy lie! Oh, hush. You always get me in trouble.
+19871206 First there was nothing ... then there was Calvin! Calvin, the mighty god, creates the universe with pure will! Form utter nothingness comes swirling form! Life begins where once was void! But Calvin is no kind and loving god! He's one of the old gods! He demands sacrifice. Yes, Calvin is a god of the underworld! And the puny inhabitants of earth displease him! The great Calvin ignores their please for mercy and the doomed writhe in agony! Have you seen how absorbed Calvin is with those tinkertoys? He's creating whole worlds over there! I'll be he grows up to be an architect.
+19871207 What's for dinner, Mom? Tortellini. Oh, no, not tortellini! I hate tortellini!! Oh, gross! Yecch! Tortellini!! Nothing is more disgusting than tortellini!! Can't we have something else? No. tortellini ... tortellini ... t - o - r ...
+19871208 Did you see we have a substitute teacher today? Oh, no! that can only mean our real teacher rocketed back to Saturn to report to her superiors! They're trying to subvert us little kids with subliminal messages in our text books, telling us to turn in our parents when the Saturnians attack! Earth will be rendered helpless! I think one of us has been eating too much paste in art class. I'm to smart for them though! I don't read my assignments!
+19871209 Behold the terrible thunder lizard, Tyrannosaurus Rex! The fiercest dinosaur of all, he is twenty tons of bone crushing muscle and razor sharp teeth! Always the victor, he lets out a triumphant roar!
+19871210 I juth hade it whed thith happedth.
+19871211 Calvin the criminal is about to face justice! Angry throngs turn out to watch his execution! As he is led up the gallows, he reflects upon his many heinous crimes. He is not repentant! The noose is put around his neck and tightened! This is the end! Gackk! Urrgh! Oh, nock it off. Some of us have to wear a tie every day.
+19871212 How was the kiddy matinee movie? Movie? Oh, yeah, the movie. Yeah, there was a movie, it was ok I guess. How was the matinee? We are buying a video player.
+19871213 That sigh ought to get me out of a few years purgatory.
+19871214 Open your moth and close your eyes, and you'll get a big surprise. Ready? Here it ... hey! You're peeking! What's the matter? Don't you trust your own kid?! C'mon, close your eyes! Uh oh, hang on, he got away.
+19871215 Anything yet? Not one snowflake.
+19871216 Dear Santa. Attached is my Christmas list for this year. Last year I did not receive several items from my list. For your convenience, I have grouped those items together on page 12. Please check them carefully, and include them with the rest of my loot this year. That's the problem with this guy. He's gotten sloppy without any competition.
+19871217 He sees when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake. He knows if you've been bad or good, so be good for goodness sake! Click. Santa Claus: kindly old elf, or CIA spook?
+19871218 This Santa Claus stuff bothers me ... especially the judge and jury bit. Who appointed Santa? How do we know he is impartial? What criteria does he use for determining good and bad? And what about extenuating circumstances? Kids should have the benefit of legal counsel, don't you think? You're worried about the salamander incident, aren't you? Temporary insanity! That's all it was!
+19871219 They say Santa knows if you've been good or bad, but what if someone had been sort of both? I mean, suppose some kid tried to be good ... at least, well most of the time. But bad things inexplicably kept happening? Suppose some kid just had terrible luck, and he got blamed for lots of things he did only sort of on purpose. Who exactly might we be talking about? This is a purely hypothetical case, Mr. Smartypants.
+19871220 Can we get this tree, Mom? Can we? I don't know Calvin. It's awfully expensive. Yeah, but just think how much loot would fit under it! Dad! Come bring in the Christmas tree Mom and I picked! It's a great one! This year I thought we'd just keep the tree in the garage. In the garage?! Sure. You can go out and look at it any time you like. And it saves all the trouble of decorating it. We're not going to decorate it?! Why bother? We just take it all down in two weeks, on Christmas day. If you get a present. If I get a present? You can take it out to the garage to open, and pretend the tree has lots of lights and ... Mommmmm! I know somebody who's going to get a lot of coal in his stocking buster. This season gets less jolly every year.
+19871221 This whole Santa Claus thing just doesn't make sense. Why all the secrecy? Why all the mystery? If the guy exists, why doesn't he ever show himself and prove it? And if he doesn't exist, what's the meaning of all this? I dunno ... isn't this a religious holiday? Yeah, but actually, I've got the same questions about God.
+19871222 Gosh, Hobbes, what if I don't get any presents this year because I doubted the existence of Santa? Suppose he's putting my name on the bad list right now! That would be awful! Personally, I'd think that if you weren't on the bad list all along, this wouldn't push you over. Thanks for the comfort, eggnog brain. See? See why you're on the bad list? Insults!
+19871223 Well, I've decided I do believe in Santa Claus, no matter how preposterous he sounds. What convinced you? A simple risk analysis. I want presents. Lots of presents. Why risk not getting them over a matter of believe? Heck, I'll believe anything they want. How cynically enterprising of you. It's the spirit of Christmas.
+19871224 Psst! Are you awake? Of course. I haven't heard Santa yet, have you? Do you think he's coming? It's only 11:00. We maybe later on the route. Thump? Gasp, did you hear that? It's him! It's Santa! Shh! He's saying something! Slippin' rippin' dang fang rotten zarg barg-a-ding dong! Quiet dear! Calvin will hear you!
+19871225 We got presents! Santa came! He came! He came! Oh, no it's not morning already? Well, technically yes ...
+19871226 Bath time, Calvin! Come on, let's just get it over with this time all right? Where are you? Let's go! She'll never look here.
+19871227 Here's a box of crayons. I need some illustrations for a story I'm writing. You can draw something besides tigers, can't you? Sure. Leopards, pumas, ocelots ... you name it. Here dad, read this story tonight. I wrote it and Hobbes illustrated it. Um, ok. The dad who lived to regret being mean to his kid. What are you pausing for? Keep reading. Barney's dad was really bad, so Barney hatched a plan. When his dad said "Eat your peas!" Barney shouted "No!" and ran. Barney tricked his mean ol' dad. And locked him in the cellar. His mom never found out where he'd gone. 'Cause Barney didn't tell her. There his dad spent his life. Eating mice and gruel. With every bite for fifty years he was sorry he'd been cruel. The end. You know how a lot of stories have morals to them? I get it, I get it!
+19871228 What do you think is the meaning of true happiness? Is it money, cars and women? Or is it just money and cars? Well?
+19871229 Look at this! You call this snow?! It's not even an inch high! What good is less than an inch of snow?! Well, it's pretty. Nobody ever closed a school on account of prettiness.
+19871230 This will be the strongest snow fort ever made! Keep packing on snow. This will be indestructible. We'll pour water on it, so it freezes overnight. That way our fort will be here until July! Where's that kid?!
+19871231 This snow fort can repel any attack! I hate this neighborhood.
+19880101 Whap! I'm glad to see you're inside. It's handy not to have to boots and a coat to take off.
+19880102 My snow fort makes me invulnerable! From behind it's thick wall, I can launch a brutal snowball barrage and remain safe from retaliation! Whap! You're supposed to attack from that side of the fort, dummy!!
+19880103 Did you make any resolutions for the new year? Heck no. I'm just fine the way I am! Why should I change? In fact, I think it's high time the world started changing to suit me! I don't see why I should do all the changing around here! If the new year requires resolutions, I say it's up to everyone else, not me! I don't need to improve! Everyone else does! How about you did you make any resolutions? Well, I had resolved to be less offended by human nature, but I think I blew it already.
+19880104 I hate waiting for the school bus on days like these. Blustery cold days should be spent propped up in bed with a mug of hot chocolate and a pile of comic books. That's what I'd like to be doing right now. As soon as I graduate, I'm going to spend every winter that way. I wish you bus would come my hot chocolate will get cold.
+19880105 Help me figure out this homework problem, Hobbes. What's 3 + 8. Ok, assign the answer a value of x. x always means multiply, so take the numerator (that's latin for number eighter) and put that on the other side of the equation. That leaves you with three on this side, so what times three equals eight? The answer of course, is six. Gosh, I must have done all the others wrong. These problems seem awfully advanced for first grade if you ask me.
+19880106 Here's another math problem I can't figure out. What's 9 + 4? Ooh, that's a tricky one. You have to use calculus and imaginary numbers for this. Imaginary numbers?! You know, eleventeen, thirty-twelve, and all those ... it's a little confusing at first. How did you learn all this? You've never gone to school! Instinct, tigers are born with it.
+19880107 It's freezing in this house! Somebody crank up the thermostat! Why doesn't someone make a fire?! If we can't afford to heat this place, maybe dad should get a better job! Why can't we move to Florida?! Calvin, pipe down and put on a sweater if you're cold. And go to all that trouble?!
+19880108 I read that the average household watches 7.5 hours of TV every day. Mom says she doesn't watch TV at all while I'm at school. So if we get home at 3:00, I should be able to watch it straight 'till 10:30, right? Wrong. Do you want us to be sub-average?!
+19880109 Mom, the washer is done. Ok. Aren't you going to put the wash in the dryer? In a minute. You mean you are just going to let it sit in the washing machine?!? Calvin, can't you see I'm busy right now?? She says she's busy. I hope the next time she takes a bath there aren't any towels.
+19880110 Two parts slush, one part solid ice, one part hard-packed snow a dash of assorted debris. Sculpt into a sphere, and serve at high velocity without warning. Oh, boy, here comes Susie! Hey, Susie! Whap! Ha ha! I gotcha, you dumb girl!! Aughh! My eyeball! Where's my eyeball! What are you talking about? I hit you in the back. It knocked my eyeball out! Find it and pack it in snow so they can save it. Ooh. Ooh. Gosh, did you really lose your eyeball? I didn't know they came out! Wow. I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to knock it out. Can I see the socket? Boy, where do you suppose it rolled. Somewhere over there, poop head!! Boot! What are you doing? My eyeball fell out. Help me look for it.
+19880111 Who's coming to visit? Your Uncle Max. I thought I told you. Uncle Max?? I don't remember any Uncle Max. Are you sure he's related? Maybe he's a con man trying to swindle us! Of course he's related. He's your dad's brother. He just hasn't been here for a few years. Why not? Was he in jail? No! good heavens, Calvin. Now, now ... with Max, that's not a bad guess.
+19880112 We're getting near the airport, Calvin. See the jets? How come you're so quiet back there? Aren't you excited to see Uncle Max? Yeah. I just hope nobody thinks I'm giving up my room while he's here.
+19880113 It's great to see you, Max! It seems like ages since you've been here. I'll say. I didn't think it had been so long, until I saw Calvin. This guy has really grown. So kid, what do you say? I say you'd better watch your step, 'cause I've got a live, man-eating tiger at home, and if I so much as wink, he'll rip your lungs out. cute kid, bro.
+19880114 And this is my room, Uncle Max. I don't know where you're sleeping, but it sure isn't here. Gotcha, nice room. This is Hobbes. I wouldn't get too close if I was you. Don't worry he looks like a fierce one. Yep. Mandibles of death, that's what he's got. And a killer's yee. You can tell. I think I'll go downstairs. Ol' Uncle Max seems pretty sharp. Hard to believe he's related to dad. A killer's eye, he said. Wow! I wonder which one!
+19880115 Hey! Hey, kid, what are you doing?! I'm going through your luggage. What's it look like I'm doing? Did mommy and daddy raise you themselves, or did they just untie you for my visit? Didn't you bring me a present? I can't find one anywhere.
+19880116 Is this my place? Can't I sit over there? I want to sit next to Uncle Max. Can I? Please? Please? Ok, go ahead. Move your chair over. You should be flattered, Max. Calvin asked to sit by you tonight. Hey, that's sweet.
+19880117 I've got to go in. Another five minutes out here, and I'll be frozen solid. Ooh, I hope that was no one I knew. You looked pretty cold coming up the hill, so I fixed you some hot chocolate and crackers with peanut butter. Go wrap up in a blanket and take these in front of the fire. Here's Hobbes and a comic book. Getting toasty? Uh huh. Thanks. She even put marshmallows in the chocolate. Nobody knows how to pamper like a mom. So are you going to eat all those peanut butter crackers yourself, or what?
+19880118 Do you have any kids Uncle Max? Me? Nope, I'm not even married. Oh. What difference does that make? Kid watches a lot of TV does he?
+19880119 Boy, Calvin takes that stuffed tiger everywhere he goes. Yeah, they're inseparable. Do you worry about that? I mean, shouldn't he be playing with real friends? Oh, I think he will when he's ready. Didn't you ever have an imaginary friend? Sometimes I think all my friends have been imaginary.
+19880120 Uncle max, look! I'll show you a magic disappearing trick! Ok, first I'll need an ordinary twenty dollar bill. How about if I lend you a nickel instead? No, it works much better with a twenty, or a fifty, if you have one. I take it you think your ol' Uncle Max is a low-watt bulb. Why, did Dad tell you how this works?
+19880121 When are you going back home, Uncle Max? Tomorrow. Is that soon enough? Gee, I wish you could stay forever. What a nice thing to say! You're all right, Calvin. Mom's a lot more patient with me in front of guests.
+19880122 Well, so long, Max. It was great to see you again. You too. Have a safe trip home. Come visit me sometime ok, fella? Heck, I'll come right now! So long, Mom! Bye, Dad! Calvin, get back here! I never get to do anything fun. Missed your chance dear. We could've bought him a ticket. Well.
+19880123 Are you just going to stay inside all day? You should go play outside and get some fresh air!
+19880124 Seven, eight, nine, net! That's my square! Ha ha! you owe me money! Uh eleven! Just a minute! What are you doing? You can't just take money from the bank! You've got hotels on every piece of property you own. I can't afford to pay you, so I'm sticking up the bank, it's a robbery! You can't do that! I'm the banker, right? Am I going my life over a few thousands dollars? The rules don't say you can rob the bank. That's cheating. Do the rules say you can't rob the bank? Huh? Do they? Just roll the dice and accept this is a tragic turn of events, ok? Ok, if that's how we're playing, then I'm robbing you! Ha! I'll steal your deeds to Park Place and Boardwalk! Yeah? Well, I'm taking all the houses and hotels, and putting them on Baltic. Where you just landed! You owe me $250,000! That's what you think you, you. Isn't it cute how Calvin plays both sides of Monopoly with his stuffed tiger? I dunno, I overheard him using words he didn't learn in this household.
+19880125 Aaghh, I can't believe we were assigned to do a report together. All I can say is you'd better do a great job! I don't want to flunk just because I was assigned a doofus for a partner. A doofus?? Who takes her sandwiches apart and eats each ingredient separately? What's wrong with that? It certifies you as a grade a nimrod. It does not!
+19880126 Ok, look. We've got to do this dumb project together, so we might as well get it over with. What are we supposed to be doing? Weren't you even paying attention. What would you do if I wasn't here to ask? You'd flunk and be sent back to kindergarten, that's what! Says you! I heard that sometimes kids don't pay attention because the class goes at too slow a pace for them. Some of us are too smart for the class. Oh, right. You're too smart. Believe it, lady. You know how Einstein got bad grades as a kid? Well, mine are even worse!
+19880127 So what are we supposed to be doing? We're supposed to be researching the planet Mercury. So what have we found out? nothing! I'm not going to do this whole thing myself! You'd probably goof it all up if you did. Let's get started. Yes! Let's! I'll be the management, and you can be the labor. First, get some books. Does anyone want to trade partners?
+19880128 What are you doing?! You're doodling! You're sitting here drawing martians when we're supposed to be researching! You haven't done anything yet! Don't you care?? What's the matter with you?! It's no use! We're going to flunk! I'll have to go to a second-rate college because my idiot partner spent the study period drawing martians! Why me? Why me? Why me? Here, this will cheer you up. The martian moves when you flip the pages! Watch, you can see him eat an astronaut!
+19880129 Look, bird brain, you wasted the entire week in the library. We have to give our report on Monday. You'd better bust your butt over the weekend, or I'm telling the teacher you didn't do any work. Got it? ... well, what do you say?! Am I getting through to you?! This is important! Gronk! Gribble gok! Gak gork! Goonk!! Our hero regards the strange alien. ... it seems to be trying to communicate.
+19880130 Calvin, telephone! Why aren't you at the library?!?
+19880131 Planet Bog - pools of toxic chemicals buble under a choking atmosphere of poisonous gases. ... but aside from that it's not much like Earth. We find Spaceman Spiff struggling across the terrain of distant planet! Suddenly the ground begins to shake! A cloud of dust appears on the horizon! It's a Zorg!! Our hero runs for cover, but the Zorg is instantly upon him! Spiff fires his blaster, but the weapon is useless agains the monster! The fearless space explorer is taken to the Zorg's cave, where he discovers a vat of boiling water! Oh no! our hero is about to be cooked alive! Spiff's mind races furiously. Well? Get in. Don't you want to lean way, way over, and test how hot the water is?
+19880201 We have to give our report on planet Mercury today. Did you do your half? Of course I did. And I'll bet my half makes your half look pathetic. It had better be good ... or else! The planet Mercruy. An exhaustively researched report by Calvin.
+19880202 ... and so, the planet Mercury is a hot and barren world, the closest to our sun. And to tell us about the mythology of mercury, here's my partner Calvin. Thank you, thank you! Hey, what a crowd! You look great this morning ... really, I mean that! Go on, give yourselves a hand! You know, a funny thing happened on the way to the library yesterday ... This isn't my fault, Miss Wormwood!
+19880203 The planet Mercury was named after a roman god with winged feet. Mercury was the god of flowers and bouquets, which is why today he is a registered trademark of FTD florists. Why they named a planet after this guy. I can't imagine. ... um back to you, Susie.
+19880204 Boy, you should've seen the sparks fly when I gave my half of the report. I've never seen Susie so mad. She accused me of not doing my research and claimed I made up the whole thing. Did you? Heck, no. I just took a few creative liberties. And they called your mom over a few creative liberties? Geez, you think Susie was mad.
+19880205 Don't you hate it when your boogers freeze?
+19880206 Here we are, overlooking suicide gulch, about to hurl ourselves down at breakneck speed in a sled that hardly steers! Risking life and limb! Looking at death straight in the eye! Why? You ask! Why do we do it?? Because we get paid, I hope. Because it's there!
+19880207 I'm going outside! I'll be out back if anyone wants me! I'll probably be gone a couple hours! I'm leaving now! I'm going! So long! Se you later! Bye! Stomp stomp stomp. Hey Susie, look! I found dinosaur tracks! Pretty scary, huh? I'll be you didn't know there were dinosaurs in this neighborhood! Especially not dinosaurs with size 5, treaded toes.
+19880208 Look, Hobbes, the latest perfection in technology. A water pistol? Heck, no! this is the new improved version of the transmogrifier. Now you can transmogrify things just by pointing at them! Say you don't like the color of your bedspread. Well, you just zap it, and presto, it's an iguana! One can certainly imagine the myriad of uses for a hand-held iguana maker. It doesn't have to be an iguna. It can be anything. Suppose mom's getting on our nerves, for instance.
+19880209 How does the transmogrifier gun know what to transmogrify something into? Telepathy. The gun automatically reads the brain waves you emit, and turns the object into whatever you want. That's amazing. Well, it took me all morning to invent. So say I'm thinking about a big slab of grilled tuna now. Watch where you're pointing that! Watch where you're pointing that!
+19880210 Ok, let's test this transmogrifier gun. I want to be a pterodactyl, so you think of one and point the transmogrifier at me. This will be great. I'll terrorize the neighborhood awhile and then you can transmogrify me back to a boy when the national guard comes. What's a pterodactyl? Some kind of bug? No, no! it's a big flying dinosaur! Don't shoot me if you don't know what it is!!
+19880211 A chicken?? You transmogrified me into a chicken! You were supposed to turn me into a pterodactyl, you nincompoop! All you had to do was think of a pterodactyl! Why did you think of a chicken? It's almost lunchtime. Oh, I see well I'm glad you weren't hungry for a hotdog!
+19880212 Here's the transmogrifier gun. Now try again, and do it right. I want to be pterodactyl. Ok, here you go. Well, now that's more like it. Say when did you turn yourself into a 200-foot-tall colossus? I didn't why?
+19880213 You transmogrified me into a tiny pterodactyl?? Big dinosaurs give me the willies. You numbskull! How am I goinig to terrorize the neighborhood like this?? My, aren't you the cranky one today? By golly, I'll show you! Ha ha! serves you right! You, my friend just made a big mistake.
+19880214 There! Now we're both transmogrified. We're even! Even?? We would be even only if turning a tiger into a duck was an improvement. This wasn't at all what I had in mind when I asked you to transmogrify me into a pterodactyl. Pterodactyls are big! So you turned me into a duck. Is that it? Fair's fair. Ok, I'll take the transmogrifier and fix you up right. Zap! Why you gimmie that gun! Thbbt! Zap! An insult! This is worse than before!! Zap! Zap! Zap! Great, just great. Which one of us is Calvin and which is Hobbes, huh? Well I hope Calvin is you, because his mom's going to have a fit when she sees this.
+19880215 Look, I'll transmogrify you back to a tiger if you transmogrify me back to a kid, ok? Ok. Zap! Ahh, that's much better. Now do me. Click ... click ... click. What's wrong?? I'm not transmogrifying! Boy, I'm glad we did me first.
+19880216 What's wrong with the transmogrifier? Why won't it work?? You invented it. You tell me. Don't tell me I'm stuck as an owl for the rest of my life! I think owls mostly eat mice. I suppose we could catch some in the yard. This is awful! What am I going to do?! Uggh, I could never eat a mouse raw. Their little feet are probably real cold going down. Will you forget the stupid mice and help me think? I wonder if pet stores will sell you a mouse if you know you're going to eat it?
+19880217 Hi, mom, I'm an owl. You don't look like a very happy owl. Nope. I'm not. Maybe some lunch would help. I doubt it. I don't like mice. This is soup. Is it mouse soup? I don't like mice. I heard you. It's tomato.
+19880218 What am I going to do Hobbes? I can't be an own forever! How am I going to transmogrify back into a kid when the transmogrifier is broken? Maybe you should just learn to accept this predicament. It's not so bad being an owl instead of a kid. Actually it's probably better. Better?? How? Well I never quite knew how to say this before, but little boys don't smell so good.
+19880219 I've got to go to school tomorrow morning! What will the kids say if I'm an owl?! Oh, no. I'm doomed! I'm doomed! Since when do owls go to school? Zip-a-dee-doo-dah. My oh my, what a wonderful day!
+19880220 Time to get up, Calvin. You don't want to miss the school bus. I'm not going to school, Mom. I'm an owl. No, you're not. Now get up and get dressed. I'm not an owl? I'm not! I'm me again! The transmogrification must only be temporary! It wore off overnight! I'm a kid! I can ... go to school. Yawwwnnn ... keep the shade down when you go, ok?
+19880221 No text
+19880222 Ding dong. I'll get it. Hobbes quick, close the curtains and help me prop furniture against the door! It's Rosalyn!
+19880223 Dad! Dad! Where do you keep your guns? Get out the magnum! I don't have any guns. What's the problem? Rosalyn's here and she won't go away! Why on earth don't you have any guns? Your mom and I are going out. Rosalyn is here to baby-sit. Don't you remember? I told you that this morning? You just don't pay attention. That's why you never know what's going on. How about a wooden stake and a mallet? Do we have that?!
+19880224 Can you believe it, Hobbes? Mom and Dad asked Rosalyn to baby-sit us? There's just one thing to do. We'll mail ourselves to Australia. Climb in. just put us out by the mailbox, Mom. Stop being silly, Calvin. Where's Rosalyn? I thought you said she was here. As far as I know she's still on the front porch why? You didn't let her in?! ding dong.
+19880225 Come in, Rosalyn! I'm sorry! We didn't realize Calvin hadn't let you in. That's ok. It wasn't too cold and wet out. We're late, help yourself to anything in the fridge. We'll see you at ten. The door was jammed. Really. I couldn't get it open. Bed.
+19880226 Hey, don't fix that for dinner! Didn't Mom tell you Hobbes and I are on a strict Big Mac diet? It's doctor's orders! Oh, I'd better call your doctor then! Oh, no she called my bluff! The doctor's gonna be furious! Boy, are we going to get ti! We? I'm dialing! Hello, doctor? I'm calling about Calvin's dietary needs. ... at the tone, the time will be 6:27 and 10 seconds. Beep. Bad news, Calvin. Your doctor says you should have a spoonful of castor oil and lie down all evening. He did? Really? No, he didn't. did he? What's castor oil?
+19880227 Mom doesn't set the table this way. Mom does it a lot better. This food smells funny. This isn't the way Mom fixes it. I like the way Mom does it better. I'm not your mom, all right?!? No kidding! My mom loves me more than life itself, and she lets me do anything I want. Not like you, you nasty ol' barracuda. I can't believe I postponed a date for this.
+19880228 My dad is a big ... hey! I think we'd better get that kid to a psychologist.
+19880229 I'll get it. I think it's for me. Hello? Hi Charlie, thanks for calling. Yeah, this little freaks driving me up the wall ... what? No. Charlie, this is Calvin on the other phone! Listen to me! Your girlfriend's a sadistic kid-hater! Don't ever marry her! She'd be a terrible mother! She, uh oh. Gotta go! After Charlie dumps you, he'll thank me!
+19880301 Rosalyn sent us to bed and it's not even our bedtime yet! We've got to escape. Here's the plan: you start moaning, and when Rosalyn comes in. I'll throw this blanket over her. We'll tie her up and make our getaway, got it? Got it. Mrowryowowwrrr. Rosalyn, come quick! There's something wrong with Hobbes! Right, Calvin. What should I do, call a vet? No, just come up here and close your eyes.
+19880302 We're home! Hi, Rosalyn. How was Calvin tonight? Oh, that bad, eh? And a five dollar advance on the next time. Here you are. Good night, thanks again. She's got a real racket going, doesn't she? What do you want to do, stay home ever night until Calvin's eighteen?
+19880303 Hey, Calvin, guess what we're doing in gym today. We're wrestling! Next period you'll be so covered with mat burns you'll need skin grafts! Ha ha ha! See ya then, twinky. Sighhhh. Physical education is what you learn from having your face in someone's armpit right before lunch.
+19880304 Kapwinggg! It's Calvin, the human light particle! In the blink of an eye, he's 165,000 miles away! Nothing in the universe is faster than Calvin! I hope!
+19880305 Much as I love my Chocolate Frosted Crunchy Sugar Bombs. The best part is after the cereal is gone. That's when you eat all the leftover milk that's all sludgy from the extra sugar you added. Sometimes I eat two or three bows of this. I can hear your heart racing from here. They make this cereal with marshmallow bits, too, but Mom won't buy it for me.
+19880306 It's freezing upstairs! Can I take some logs up to my room? Hey, you're on my side of the bed. These sheets are freezing! Yeah, well aaughh! Your feet are like ice! Get away from me! But my side's all cold! Well, don't get me cold! Move over. Sure, you've got a fur coat! I'm just wearing pajamas. Quit pulling the blankets, willya? I hardly have any, you hot! Gimmie those! You're letting in cold air! Quit it! Quit it! Serves you right, Mr. Mosty-Toasty! See what it's like being cold! Yaaaah!! Eat feathers, fuzz ball! Move over. You're getting my side all hot. Open the window, I'm roasting.
+19880307 Hey, Calvin! Guess what time it is! Why? What time is it? It's a very special time! Oh boy, oh boy! What time is it? Do you really want to know? Yes, yes! Tell me! Tell me! Quick! Please! Yes! It's your bath time! Oh boy! You know how old people always write to Dear Abby, complaining that their kids never write, call or visit? Those letters really crack me up.
+19880308 I hate being a kid. Somebody's always telling you what to do or what not to do. Do this! Stop that! Day after day. You're lucky you're a tiger. Well, we try to stay humble, but lord knows it's hard. I wonder if I can grow fangs when my baby teeth fall out.
+19880309 I wish I was a tiger. A common lament. I've got an idea! You can teach me to be a tiger! I've got some red sleepers I can wear! Hang on! See? We can make a tail by stuffing a knee sock and pinning it on my rear! Then you can draw stripes on my face! Hmm ... what about fur and whiskers? I haven't shaved for six years. I seem to be cursed with a thin beard.
+19880310 Gee, I'm getting more like a tiger every minute. Hold still while I draw stripes. How do I look? It's some improvement. Rowrr rrghgh rawrr. I dunno, you're still lacking something tigger-ish. Panache. That's it. Wiat, I've got some plastic vampire fangs I can put in!
+19880311 That's great, Hobbes! I'm a tiger! Well, being a tiger is more than just stripes, you realize. Kind of a zen thing, huh? You have to think like a tiger. Yowwow, I'm hungry! What's for dinner? How's that? Har har. Do you want me to teach you anything or not?
+19880312 Ok, we're tigers. We're out in the wilderness. Teach me how to survive. Let's say we're hiding up in a tree. Our keen tiger eyes and noses detect some prey nearby. What do we do? I suppose it would depend on what kind of prey it was. I don't care pick something. Well, if it's a box of rigatoni noodles, first you would go put on some water ...
+19880313 The late Cretaceous period ... when dinosaurs ruled the Earth! And Calvin ruled the dinosaurs! The terrible Tyrannosaurus sinks it teeth into a triceratops! Triumphant again, the undisputed king of dinosaurs let's out a mighty roar! With savage ferocity, the monster begins it's feast! Limb-severing, bone-crushing, and tendon-snapping, he ... Calvin! That's disgusting! For heaven's sake, slow down and chew quietly! The terrible Tyrannosaurus resumes eating, mortified that someone might see him.
+19880314 Hobbes, you're supposed to be teaching me how to be a tiger. We've been sitting in this dumb tree all morning and you haven't taught me how to hunt or anything! It's instinct. You can't teach that. Well, if you won't help, I'll just go look up tiger in the encyclopedia. As long as we're going in, let's fix some soup and sandwiches, ok? You know what you are? A disgrace, that's what.
+19880315 This book says tigers are solitary and secretive creatures. True, very true. Secretive? Oh, sure! You wouldn't believe some of the secrets I know. Really? Like what? I can't tell you, they're secrets. You can tell me! I won't blab! Honest! Tell me! Please? Big secrets! Secret secrets! Boy, if you only knew! Mm-mm!
+19880316 I don't believe you even have a secret. That's right, I don't. yes you do! Tell me it! Pleeeze? No! why not? Why can't you tell me? It's about you. Aaahhh! What is it? Tell me! Tell me! I've said too much already.
+19880317 If you won't tell me your secret, I won't be your friend anymore. I'll give you a hint, how's that? Ok! Shoot. The flea market. The flea market? What kind of lousy hint is that? Do you know how your parents got you? I was ... why? What are you saying? No more hints.
+19880318 I don't believe your dumb ol' secret about my parents getting me at a flea market. It's true. It is not, and if all your secrets are lies, you can just keep them to yourself. You just don't want to hear how little you went for. Oh, hush up. This book also says tigers won't share their territory with other tigers. I can see how other tigers would get on one's nerves. A nickel. That's how much you cost.
+19880319 This book says tigers are territorial and won't share their ground with other tigers. I guess we'd better divide up the woods then. This will be my territory, and that will be yours. This rock will separate our two sides. As another tiger, you are hereby banished from this side of the rock. Ha ha ha! Look what I'm doing! You cut that out!
+19880320 Uh oh, I'll bet Hobbes is waiting to spring on me as soon as I open the front door! I know I'll sneak around back and surprise him! Heh heh! There he is all ready to pounce! What a sucker! I'm home! I've got to start listening to those quiet, nagging doubts.
+19880321 My side of the woods is abound in natural scenic splendor. Your side wallows in decay and filth. My territory is infinitely superior to yours. Your side is smaller. Hey!
+19880322 I'm hungry. Well, you can't catch anything in my territory. That's what the book says. What do tigers eat in the wild anyway? They catch big gross caterpillars like that one. Ewww. It's got little spikes all over him. Tigers really eat these? By the truckload. They're great. Let me see the book. Who are you going to believe, some silly writer or a real tiger?
+19880323 So far, I haven't had much fun as a tiger. I thought we'd be romping around the woods like we always do, but it turns out tigers don't share their territories with other tigers! So here we are, sitting on opposite sides of a big rock. What a blast. Being a tiger just isn't all it's cracked up to be. That's not the half of it. It says here we're an endangered species!
+19880324 We're endangered? It says tigers nearly faced extinction and their future remains in doubt. That's awful. I'll say. No offense, but I think I'll go back to being a kid again. This explains why I don't meet many babes.
+19880325 I'm home! Pow! Gald to see me?? What I would give to be a latchkey kid.
+19880326 I'm home! Wham! You'll notice I didn't say I was inside.
+19880327 A red spaceship? On the monitor, your vileness. It's that infernal Spaceman Spiff! Open fire! Spaceman Spiff is hit! He aims for planet Mok, hoping to find a reputable body shop. We join our hero after a crash landing on the hostile planet Mok. Ominous figures appear in the horizon. The daring Spaceman Spiff lays waste with his death ray zorcher, but he is hopelessly outnumbered! Surrounded, our hero is taken prisoner, and carried to a subterranean dungeon! Still, won't talk, eh, Spiff? We'll see about that! You'll never get anything from me, space squid! You had your chance, earthling! Take him to the interrogation room and wash his hair! Aaugh! You got soap in my eyes on purpose! Sinister fiend! If you'd stop thrashing around, maybe it wouldn't happen!
+19880328 Lightning flashes! Thunder rumbles across the sky! Horrible, Calvin has been sewn together from corpses! A power surge forces blood to his brain! He's ... he's alive! Well, look who's up and about. Hello, sleepyhead.
+19880329 Calvin wakes up staring into the eyes of a big frog. Seeing Calvin awake, the frog scrambles down and forces open Calvin's mouth! Calvin tries to fight, but the slippery amphibian instantly slides in and is swallowed! How disgusting! I don't feel good. You sound awful. You've got a frog in your throat.
+19880330 Calvin the elephant wanders the African plain. At five tons, he is the largest land animal! His deafening call shatters the early morning tranquility!
+19880331 I read that a cheetah can run 65 miles an hour, can tigers run that fast? Of course. Really? Let's see you do it. Oh, I can't now. Yeah? Why not? I'm not wearing my drag chute.
+19880401 Why do you suppose we're here? Because we walked here. No, no. I mean here on Earth. Because Earth can support life. No, I mean why are we anywhere? Why do we exist? Because we were born. Forget it. I will, thank you.
+19880402 Saturday is the best day of the week. No demands at all! Perfect freedom! The whole day stretches before us with unlimited opportunity! And what better way to appreciate that opportunity than by squandering it watching cartoons all day!
+19880403 Will you get me a glass of water? You just had one. I want one to keep by the bed, so I can douse this guy if he starts snoring. Good night, Calvin. Hee hee hee. Oh, great he's dreaming again. Sniff. Where do you think you are, you imbecile? Out in the jungle? Mm ... heh heh. If he starts running he's gonna get a pillow in the kisser. Sniff. Hey! Where are you going? Somnambulists give me the creeps. Why are we going to the kitchen? Calvin! What are you doing? Have you been sleepwalking? I was completely awake! It's this dope who's sleepwalking! I just followed him. I put him back to bed, he couldn't give any reason for being up. Do you suppose it means anything? Look, he got out all the tuna!
+19880404 Ahh! Lunch, my favorite meal! And today's lunch is extra special! Ever since the weather got warm I've been swatting flies and saving them in a jar. Finally I got enough bugs to mash them into a gooey paste with a spoon. I'll call it bug butter. Care for a taste? Tell me, Calvin. Do you have any friends at all?
+19880405 Ok, you've all read the chapter, so who can tell me what's important about the battle of Lexington? Anyone? Calvin, how about you? Hard to say, ma'am. I think my cerebellum just fused.
+19880406 Hey Mom, can we go out for hamburgers tonight? Not tonight, dear. Aw, Mom! Why not? Because I'm already fixing something for dinner. Yeah ... I know.
+19880407 Why does the sun set? It's because hot air rises. The sun's hot in the middle of the day, so it rises high in the sky. In the evening then, it cools down and sets. Why does it go from east to west? Solar wind. Dear!
+19880408 I'm thinking of a number between one and seven hundred billion. Try to guess it. Eleven? Nope. guess again. Six million and four. Nope. Guess again. What's the matter, don't you like games??
+19880409 Do you believe our destinies are determined by the stars? Nah. Oh, I do. Really? How come? Life's a lot more fun when you're not responsible for your actions.
+19880410 Despite that amazing display of cunning, reflex and physical prowess, your tail still has a death grip on your butt. Could you stop the room, please? I'd like to get off.
+19880411 Your polls, dad. You dropped another five points. It seems that although your recognition factor is high, the scandals of your administration continue to haunt you. Scandals? What scandals? Bedtimegate and homeworkgate come readily to mind. Instances of true leadership. History will vindicate me. I wonder what my new dad will look like.
+19880412 You'll be glad to know I've analyzed your poor showing in the polls. I'll bet. See, your record in office is miserable and the character issue is killing you. Your basic approval rating among six-year-olds hardly registers. If anyone ever needed a slick ad campaign, it's you. Let me guess what you have in mind. The new Dad, I call it.
+19880413 I think the image we need to create for you is repentant, but learning. You know, show some humility, and present yourself as a regular guy trying to learn the ropes of a difficult job. Difficult doesn't begin to describe it. I worked up some slogans. See what you think. Dad-gradually he catches on. Vote Dad! This time, he'll do better. To forgive is divine - vote Dad in '88. I get the idea, Calvin.
+19880414 If you want to stay Dad, you've got to polish your image. My image. Right, see, now everyone think your insensitive to the legitimate needs of minors. A few magnanimous gestures while in office now might be in order. If your mind's gone blank, I have some suggestions. Oh, the suspense. For example, you might repeal mandatory school attendance. That alone could rocket you to victory.
+19880415 Much as I appreciate your offer, I don't need an image consultant. I prefer to let the wisdom of my words and deeds speak for themselves. In that case, you'll have a lot of time to write your memoirs. We'll see. Now it's past your bedtime. Dad buried in landslide! Jubliant throngs fill streets! Stunned father inconsolable-demands recount! Good night.
+19880416 Eight, nine, ten! Here I come, ready or not! All right, give 'em back!
+19880417 I call this 'lookout' hill. Yes, you can certainly see far from up here. I call it 'lookout' hill because that's what you yell whenever we go down it. You know, sometimes it seems things go by too quickly. We're so busy watching out for what's just ahead of us that we don't take the time to enjoy where we are. Days go by and we hardly notice them. Life becomes a blur. Often it takes some calamity to make us live in the present. Then suddenly we wake up and see all the mistakes we've made. But it's too late to change anything. It's like ... it's like ... It's like what? It's like SOMEthing ... I just can't think of it.
+19880418 Here I am, waiting for the bus. Eleven more years of school to go. Then college, then maybe graduate school, and then I work until I die. What kind of world is this?! You only get five years to be a kid?? What about exploring and discovering and playing? Those things are important too! Well, you still have afternoons and weekends. That's when I watch TV.
+19880419 Look, Hobbes, I got a model airplane. Want to help me build it? Sure. Wow, a Phantom jet. Look at all the little pieces. Here, you put those pieces together, and I'll do these. Then we'll stick yours on mine, OK? Shouldn't we read the instructions? Do I LOOK like a sissy?
+19880420 Hey, these instructions are in three different languages. Uh oh, I got glue on my hands. It starts in English, but then it goes into French and Spanish. This stuff is worse than Mozzarella cheese. It's hard to believe this model is for ages six and up. Yecchh. What a mess. You have to be tri-lingual just to read the directions. I hope Mom likes this newspaper here on the floor, because it's sure not going anywhere.
+19880421 Nuts! This wheel strut snapped. Why do they make 'em so darn small? I guess that was an optional piece. My wheel won't fit in the wheel well. Here, let me try. Sometimes you just have to ... SNAP Darn it! This plane is in for some rough landings.
+19880422 Look at this stupid model. It looks awful! Our plane doesn't look anything like the picture in the box. Maybe we can fix it when we paint it. I can't paint it like this. Look how good they did this. How'd they paint eyebrows on a pilot that's less than an inch tall?? I think that's a real jet superimposed on a plastic stand.
+19880423 I hate this model. Nothing fit right, the instructures were incomprehensible, the decals ripped, the paint slopped, and the glue got everywhere. What a disaster. Six bucks completely down the drain. I can't think of an afternoon I've enjoyed less. What a waste. What a dumb hobby. Of course, with this for practice, I'll bet we could do great on ANOTHER model! Let's get one of those clipper ships with all the riggings.
+19880424 A voice cackles in Calvin's radio. "Enemy fighters at two o'clock!" Roger. What should I do until then? Calvin's F-4 phantom screams across the sky! But what's this? The canopy glass is all smeared! He can hardly see through it! Oh, no! THe throttle snaps off his hand! Calvin's only hope is to land, but the wheels refuse to open! They're stuck! Frantically Calvin tries to eject, but the cockpit is fused together! His jet is a hopeless mess! Everything is going wrong! Stupid model.
+19880425 I'm not going to bed! I don't have to do what you say! I can do anything I want! ... uh ... heh heh Enjoy this while you can! I'll be a hulking, surly teen-ager before you know it!!
+19880426 Did you ever wonder if the person in the puddle is real, and you're just a reflection of HIM? If that was true, you'd disappear as soon as the person in the puddle moved away from the puddle, right? Gee, I guess so. I hadn't thought of that.
+19880427 BANG! BANG! BANG! Ha! That's six shots! You're out of bullets! I've got you now, you rustles! ZAP! "ZAP"? My cattle prod.
+19880428 Hey Susie, guess what I have in my hands! Is it disgusting? Um ... well ... Is it some creepy, gooey thing that no one in his right mind would ever, ever want to look at? Uh ... I suppose that depends on your point of view ... Forget it. I'm not guessing. You might as well. You're nine-tenths there.
+19880429 Mom, was I ever a grub? A what? You know. A larva. Did I really pupate at age two? Don't be disgusting! Of course not! Where did you ever get that awful idea? You should get your stories straight with Mom, Mr. Britannica!
+19880430 How can you stand these cartoons? They're just half-hour commercials for toys. And when they're not boring, they're preachy. And these characters don't even MOVE. They just stand around blinking! What kind of cartoon is THAT? Meet my Dad, the Gene Siskel of Saturday morning TV.
+19880501 Good night, Calvin. ... all right where are you?! Calvin, I thought I said to get ready for bed! Now hurry up! I can't! I'm trapped in slow motion! Well you'd better get in normal speed ... now! Ahh! Time snap!
+19880502 Can I use the garden shovel? What do you want it for? Hobbes and I are going on an archealogical expedition. If you're looking for fossilized remains, you should dig through your room. Ha ha. Someday I'll name an Australopithecus woman after you.
+19880503 I've been reading up on paleontology. It's amazing stuff. Scientists can tell how old something is just by analyzing the layers of dirt it's in. Hey! Why, you must be six years old. Oh, you're a scream.
+19880504 Archeologists dig slowly and carefully, using small, delicate tools. Each rock has to be painstakingly brushed and scraped so nothing is broken or missed. DIG DIG SCRAPE SCRAPE BRUSH BRUSH Archeologists have the most mind-numbing job on the planet. I don't think your Dad will want to shave with this tomorrow.
+19880505 Hey, look! I hit something! Don't break it! Dig carefully! Gosh, what do you suppose it is? Dust it off so we can see. It's some bizarre skull. Look at its mouth. Maybe it's a prehistoric anteater.
+19880506 Wow! I can't believe we found a dinosaur skull on our very first archealogical dig. It's completely intact, too! What a discovery! Maybe the rest of the skeleton is nearby! Yeah! If we can find the whole thing, we'll be world famous! With the grant money we'll get, we can buy a Porsche! How will THIS look on the cover of National Geographic?
+19880507 I found another bone! I found another bone! Boy, this is a weird one. What is it? It could be a forearm and fingers. I can't wait to see what the complete Calvinosaur looks like. I didn't know bones came in decorator colors, did you?
+19880508 The call goes out! We're on the move! Up through the winding maze! Faster! Faster! Calvin scrambles up the grainy tunnel! Out he pops into the blinding sun! Calvin the and rushes down the hill to the brick walk! Other ants rush around him in their mad hurry! Calvin tries to keep up! At least he reaches the monstrous dead caterpiller! Without pausing, he hoists it up! The queen demands his tireless toil! Calvin is back off to the ant-hill as fast as he can go! Work, work, work! That's what I'm good for around here! I hardly think picking up your room once in a while qualifies you as a slave.
+19880509 Gosh, look at all the dinosaur bones we discovered. Let's glue them together so we can see how they fit. Then you can draw a reconstruction of the actual dinosaur. After that, we'll write up our findings, and get them published in a scientific journal. Then we'll win the Nobel prize, get righ, and go on talk shows. What about babes? When do we get those?
+19880510 Well. Here's the complete skeleton as near as I can figure out. Try to draw the dinosaur as it really looked with muscles and skin. What's it doing? Whistling? You tell me. Maybe it's puckering up.
+19880511 See the dinosaur skeleton we discovered and assembled? I'm going to call the natural history museum and tell them they can have it for ten billion dollars. Those are ... um ... peculiar bones. Do you think I should ask for more money? That's not QUITE what I meant.
+19880512 Mom says she doesn't think we've found a skeleton at all. She says we just dug up some trash somebody littered. Our dinosaur is a fraud. I guess it wouldn't be right to sell it to a museum then. Not at full price, anyway.
+19880513 Psst ... Susie! Can I copy your paper? NO. CALVIN!
+19880514 AAAUGHH! I SKINNED MY KNEE! OOH! OW! AAUGHHH! OW! OW!
+19880515 This is Calvin, your captain speaking ... just to reassure you that, yes, there is someone up front. Calvin pilots the jet airliner across the country at 35,000 feet. He is given clearance to land. But what is this? A plane from a rival airplane is making for the same runway to shave precious minutes off its schedule! It's a 600 mph game of chicken! Calvin pulls back on the throttle and lurches ahead! The other pilot tries to cut Calvin off with a sudden drop in altitude! Calvin switches on the "fasten seat belt" light in the cabin, and does a barrel roll. At 5Gs, Calvin hopes not to black out! As they close in on the runway, the other pilot has no choice but to pull up and circle around again! Calvin wins! Hey, Mom, is it true I could get a pilot's license at age 14? NO.
+19880516 HOBBES! You've got to help me! I'm in big trouble! What's the matter? You know how Dad said I could use his binoculars as longs as I was extra careful with them? Well, I just broke them by accident! Now I need some advice. Should I run away, or commit hara-kiri? Over the binoculars? Yeah. Maybe both.
+19880517 Geez, I can't believe I broke Dad's binoculars! He'll blow every capillary in his body! Dad said I had to be very, very careful with them, and what do I do? I go and break them. He'll flay me alive! How did you do it anyway? I just dropped them. And they broke? Well, I was tossing them at myself at the time, as I ran down the sidewalk.
+19880518 How much money do you have, hobbes? Maybe we can buy Dad a new pair of binoculars before he gets home. I've got thrity ... no, thirty-five cents. Great. I've got four dollars. Let's call the store. Hello? I'd like to know how much a good pair of binoculars costs. ONE TO SIX HUNDRED DOLLARS?! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT MY DAD'S GOING TO DO TO ME?!? He won't stop at killing you, that's for sure. Uh UH.
+19880519 I had no IDEA binoculars were so expensive! We're doomed! We're doomed! "We"? Why in the world did Dad let me use anything so valuable?! He should've KNOWN I'd break them! He mustive been out of his mind! This is all HIS fault! WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?! I suppose you COULD just tell him what happened ... ... and make my getaway when the coronary hits? Say, THAT's an idea!
+19880520 Maybe we could GLUE Dad's binoculars back together and he wouldn't even notice! You think? It depends. Was the casing just chipped a little, or did the lens itself get cracked? Well, maybe you'd better look at it. Dont' sneeze.
+19880521 Maybe you should tell your MOM about the binoculars. And she can help somehow. Tell Mom?!? Are you crazy?? Now way! Why not? You've got to tell SOMEONE. Maybe she can think of something. At times like these, all Mom can think of is how long she was in labor with me.
+19880522 I got a hit! I got a hit! Only because I LET you! Ha ha! A home run! You didn't touch all the bases! I did too. No, you didn't. You didn't touch seventh base. Yes I did! I touched the water barrel right after the front porch. That's not seventh base. That's twelfth base! I thought the garage door was the twelfth. The garage door is the twenty-third base. You touched them all out of order. And you still didn't touch the secret base. The SECRET base?? What's the secret base?! I can't tell you. It's a secret. I can't believe this moronic sport is our national pastime. You're out. Give me a dollar.
+19880523 Look at Dad, calmly eating his dinner as if nothing was wrong. I know him. His "Dad radar" is beeping like crazy. He knows I broke SOMETHING, he just doesn't know WHAT. He can't nail me until he knows for sure. He'll just wait. I know him. He's going to just sit there eating and let me stew in my own guilt. He figures sooner or later I'll crack. Calvin? AUGH! I DID IT! I DID IT! I'M SORRY! I DIDN'T MEAN TO!! ... pass the uh ... the uh ...
+19880524 YOU BROKE THE BINOCULARS?! DIDN'T I TELL YOU TO BE EXTRA, EXTRA CAREFUL WITH THEM?? ISN'T THAT EXACTLY WHAT I SAID?! WELL?! THOSE BINOCULARS WERE BRAND NEW! HAVE YOU NO RESPECT FOR OTHER PEOPLE'S PROPERTY?!? I have an idea, Dad. Let's pretend I already feel terrible about it, and that you don'tneed to rub it in any more.
+19880525 I didn't MEAN to break your binoculars, Dad. It was an accident. (sniff) I'm really sorry. I felt like I was going to barf all afternoon. Well, I'm sorry I yelled at you like I did. I shouldn't have been so angry. After all, it was just a pair of binoculars. In the big scheme of things, that's really not so bad. (sniff) Really? Sure ... in another ten years, you'll probably be wrecking my CAR.
+19880526 Hobbes, look! Dad got me my own pair of little binoculars! Wow, these are yours? Aren't they great? I'll say. Dad said as long as I was going to break binoculars, I ought to at least break my own. Now we can go to the beach and look at babes! Maybe I should break Dad's power tools and see if I could get some of THOSE.
+19880527 Wind wind wind RUMBLE RUMBLE POW! Either I'm greatly deceived, or someone opened a can of tuna in this vicinity. Yes ... all over this vicinity.
+19880528 What a clear night! Look at all the stars. Millions of them! Yes, we're just tiny specks on a planet particle, hurling through the infinite blackness. Let's go in and turn on all the lights.
+19880529 Filth! Contamination! Pestilence! Ha ha ha! Of all living creatures, few are more repulsive than Calvin the bug! He exists only to suck blood and transmit parasitic disease! Searching for someone to infect, Calvin flies low over the picnic table! His sensitive antennae pick up the scent of human flesh! Touching down, Calvin inserts his needlelike proboscis into a vein! Protozoans in his salive quickly induce plague! Will you stop that awful slurping?! You're making me sick!
+19880530 Don't move! There's a bee on your back! There is? Showw it away! Quick! And have it come after ME? No, thanks. Well, what am I supposed to do? Stand like this all day? I guess you don't have much choice. Do you? Great. Just great. I could be here forever! Say, that gives me an idea. Don't you go reading my comic books! Stay out of my room!
+19880531 That rotten Hobbes! I can't move because I've got a bee on my back, so he goes to read all my comic books. He always gets them out of order, and he folds the covers back! Ooh, if I could only move! What kind of a friend would take advantage of a predicament like this? A lousy friend, that's what kind! What a stinker he is! Hey, did you see how the latest issue of Captain Napalm ended? Don't tell me! Don't tell me!
+19880601 Hobbes, if you tell me how my comic book ends, I'll kill you. I've waited all month to find out. I'll give you a hint, OK? Captain Napalm takes his nuclear ... NO HINTS! NO HINTS! By golly, you hairball, if I didn't have a bee on my back right now, I'd ... Maybe there's a bee and maybe there isn't. I'LL never tell. WHAT?! Is the bee gone? Can I move? Tell me! Is it still there?? Huh? Rrggh! Is it?!
+19880602 Is the bee still on me or not? I'm not telling. You called me a hairball. OK, OK, I'm sorry. You're not a hairball. Now, is the bee there or not? No. Good. Now I ... OWW!! I meant "No, there IS a bee." Today is opposite day! Don't forget ... at midnight opposite day is over, OK? "Yes."
+19880603 I'm not having dinner tonight. Oh no? Nope. I'm just going to eat cookies in front of the TV. You, young man, are going to sit at the table and eat what I've fixed, just like the rest of us. Oh, yeah, that's what I meant.
+19880604 Hello, I'm wondering if you sell kegs of dynamite. You don't? How about plastic explosives? You're kidding. Well, what about land mines? Do you sell those? ... You don't? Look, I'm trying to send a girl I know into deep space. Perhaps you could suggest something.
+19880605 FWOOSH As if life isn't short enough.
+19880606 You know what we need, Hobbes? We need an attitude. An attitude? Yeah. You can't be cool if you don't have an attitude. Really? Sure. They're all the rage. Now what kind of attitude could WE have? We could be courteously deferential. Oh, good. That's REAL cool.
+19880607 I've decided to be a fatalist. All events are preordained and unalterable. Whatever will be will be. That way, if anything bad happens, it's not my fault. It's fate. TRIP WAUGH! Too bad you were fated to do that. THAT WASN'T FATE!
+19880608 Do you think grown-ups will have the world fixed up by the time they hand it over to us? Not the way they're going. That's what I thought. I guess that means it's up to US then. Somehow I'm not reassured. Ha! When I'm president, I'll have things whipped into shape in no time.
+19880609 Either we've got to get a catcher, or you've got to improve your pitching.
+19880610 Gosh, it sure looks like rain. Rain? What are you talking about? There isn't a cloud in the sky! You don't think it looks like rain? No. Go away and stop being silly.
+19880611 OK, out of the hammock. What do you mean? This isn't YOUR hammock. It's MY turn. I was here first. It's your turn when I'm done. If you won't get out, then I'm coming in with you. Lick heck you are! This crummy hammock always sags.
+19880612 Do you see any snapping turtles, eels or leeches in there? Nope. So far, our expedition is a failure. How's the water? Absolutely frigid. My feet are completely numb. If I go in just a half inch every ten minutes, I can stand it. Getting your swimsuit wet is the worst part, though. As soon as it touches the water, it soaks up and clings to you and gets you wet before you're ready. Why don't you just jump in and get it over with? Are you kidding? The shock would kill me! It's better to go in a wee bit at a time. No, it's better to do it all at once. It's worse to drag it out. You must've been dropped when you were little. I'll show you! Look out! NO! NO! NO! SPLOOSH! Brr-r-r-r! Maybe you were right. WE'LL NEVER NOW NOW, WILL WE?!?
+19880613 Hey look! Mom and Dad are throwing duffel bags in the car. They're going on vacation! At last! Finally we get the house to ourselves! We can stay up late and watch TV! We can eat cookies for dinner! We ... What are you doing up here still? C'mon, let's go. Me? Go? Where? On vacation! What have we been planning all month? With you and Mom?? What kind of vacation is THAT?!
+19880614 So where are we going? I sure hope we're not camping again this year? Well, we are. Oh, no! Why do we have to go camping?! I HATE camping! Swatting mosquitoes while lying frozen and cramped on bumpy rocks. With no TV and only canned food to eat, is NOT my idea of a good time! That's why we brought bug spray. Look, just let me out here, OK? I'll hitch home and see you when you get back, all right?
+19880615 Remember last year, when it rained all week? It poured so hard we couldn't even make a fire. Without question, that was one of the worst experiences of my life. Yes, but it built character. Oh sure. Why can't I ever build character at a Miami condo or a casino somewhere?
+19880616 Well, here we are! Home away from home! OK Calvin. You get out with your Mom, and I'll hand our gear to you. Now don't drop this. It's very ... oops. Don't worry, Dad. It's only about ten feet deep. I can see that camera and everything. I'm going to feed you to the sea gulls, kid. Dear, you came here to relax.
+19880617 Gosh, this water's cold! Here, that's all I could find down there. Go get me a towel, Calvin. It never fails. The one bag the kid dumps in the drink has all the fragile and perishable items in it. Well, the week can only improve from here. One would like to THINK so. Hey, Dad, did you mean to stack the tackle box and all this on your glasses?
+19880618 Boy, don't go near Dad. What a grouch! I don't see why he can't be civil just because I accidentally dropped a duffel bag overboard and he broke his glasses. Are you going to tell him he left the car lights on back where we got the canoe? I think YOU should tell him.
+19880619 What's the score? Ten billion to one, my favor. IT'S NOT! Then keep track yourself. WHAP! Ha! It wen't straight up! Easy out! Easy out! You're not even going to run, eh? I don't blame you. You're as good as out. Bink! YOU CAN'T DO THAT! That's two hits in one pitch! This run counts double!
+19880620 Hey, Mom, Dad and I are going fishing. Don't you want to come along? Uggh, no. The last thing I want to see at this ungodly hour is a bunch of slimy fish gasping and flopping in the slop at the bottom of a boat. All I'D like to see is a decent newspaper, a fresh muffin, and a pot of real coffee. Why'd we ever come HERE then? Go ask Conan the Barbarian. C'mon, Calvin. I'll teach you to put a work on a hook.
+19880621 Ahhh, what a day! Up at dawn! Fresh air! Tranquility! No demands, no phones, no pressure! The whole day is one's own! Isn't this great? Isn't this the life? Spaceman Spiff, a prisoner on the Zong slave galley, plans his daring overboard escape! Ahh, what a day!
+19880622 Gosh, I could look at the stars all night. Without the streetlights or pollution here, it seems like you can see forever into space. SNAP CRUNCH Of course, if you've seen one star, you've seen them all. True, true. Shall we mosey on the back to the tent?
+19880623 Look, Mom, the water is up to my knees. See? See? Look, Mom! The water's up to my knees. See? Look where the water is! Now look! The water is HIGHER than my knees! See? Look, Mom! See? I'm enthralled, Calvin. YOU'RE NOT EVEN LOOKING!
+19880624 Watcha doin', Dad? Painting a picture? Yep. What's that thing? A brontosaurus with rabies? It's that island over there. Oh. How far can you see without your glasses? Can you see ME? When I look up, I'd better not be able to.
+19880625 Hi, Mom! Mm. Dad's painting a picture, but it's not coming out so hot, and he's in a really stinky mood. It's like, I asked him one little question and he nearly bit my head off! I mean, it's not as if I ruined his lousy picture, right? Why should ... CALVIN, CAN'T YOU SEE I'M TRYING TO READ? Ever notice how tense grown-ups get when they're recreating?
+19880626 Si-i-i-i-ix ... fi-i-i-i-ive ... four-r-r-r ... threetwoone TAG! You're "it"! THAT'S NOT FAIR! TAG! I GOTCHA! OK, now I'm "it" and I have to catch YOU. But what about a penalty? Don't you go to "jail" and do pushups first? No, I'm just "it". There aren't any penalties. None?? Don't I even get free hits? Free hits?! NO, you don't get free hits! Just, like, on the arm? I think you should have to get hit on the arm. I don't have to get hit at ALL! Well, what about an Indian burn then? Or noogies? Can I give you noogies? NO! I'M JUST "IT"! THAT'S ALL THAT HAPPENS! OK, OK! That's all that happens. Sheesh. If you ask ME, though, any game without push-ups, hits or noogies is a sissy game.
+19880627 There's nothing to DO here. That's sort of the point, don't you think? It's good to stop running around. Sometimes one should just look at things and think about things, without DOING things. You're certainly the expert on THAT. What I like is when you're looking and thinking and looking and thinking ... and suddenly you wake up.
+19880628 Mom, can Hobbes come in swimming with me? I don't think he'd better, Calvin. WHY NOT? Um ... tigers don't swim very well. They don't? Frankly, I'm not sure your Mom knows so much about tigers. Look, we just want to avoid an argument, right?
+19880629 OK, Calvin, start packing up. We're going home. Now, now. These little outings are valuable experience. Yeah? How? They give us a chance to be together as a family and learn about ourselves. Like how we can't stand being in such close proximity with one another this long? Exactly.
+19880630 Z. Look at you. All you do is lie in the sun. I have to. How come? Tigers' tummies are solar cells. Year, right.
+19880701 Are you hot? Not really, why? It seems warm to me. Aren't you a LITTLE hot? Nope. Not even a wee bit? Just a smidgen? What have you got behind your back?
+19880702 SUSIE, QUICK! GET HELP! Somebody filled my sandbox with quicksand! I'm sinking fast! Ack! Rrghh! Oh, right. Give me a break. Your gender would be a lot more tolerable if it wasn't so darn cynical.
+19880703 Spaceman Spiff explores the outermost reaches of the universe. By popular request. Intrepid explorer Spaceman Spiff lands on an uncharted planet. What strange wonders will he discover here? Spiff sets out in search of sentient life! What a strange planet this is! It's surface is surpisingly soft and porous. And here curious geysers blast hot air! Suddenly it dawns on him! Spiff is not on the planet's surface at all! He's walking on a reclining alien!! Our hero sets his death ray blaster. Zz.. mmf hm?
+19880704 This probably just goes to show something, but I sure don't know what.
+19880705 There's quite a breeze up here. I'm really moving. There's the river and the town triangle. HEY, DOWN THERE! My name is Calvin! Tell my tiger, Hobbes, I'm blowing away on a balloon! CAN ANYONE HERE ME? TELL HOBBES HE CAN'T READ MY COMIC BOOKS JUST 'CAUSE I'M NOT AROUND, OK? ... OH YEAH, TELL MY PARENTS WHAT HAPPENED TOO, ALL RIGHT? HELLO? HELLO?
+19880706 Uh oh, I'm heading into a flock of ducks. Excuse me! Coming through! Pardon me! Gangway! Beep beep! ... Boy, if looks could kill.
+19880707 My hands are getting tired. I'll tie the balloon string onto my belt loop. There ... WHOOP SHOOF If a plane comes along now, I'm going to die.
+19880708 Well, I suppose things don't get worse than hanging from a helium balloon a mile above some unrecognized state. Of course, my grip could weaken, or I could get sucked into a jet intake. That's one of the remarkable things about life. It's never so bad that it can't get worse.
+19880709 Boy, I'm just going higher and higher. I suppose eventually the pressure in the balloon will be greater than the air pressure around it, and the balloon will ... POP!
+19880710 Here's "Hamster Huey and the Gooey Kablooie." You might like this story. Yeah? How good can it be if it hasn't been made into an animated TV show? I hope tonight's story isn't as boring as LAST night's was. It put me right to sleep. Don't worry. THIS story will keep you up all night. Really? What is it? It's called "The disembodied hand that strangled people." Gosh, this is great! How creepy! I NEVER get a scary story! A disembodied hand! Wow! And now you know what's REALLY scary? They never found it! To this day, nobody knows where the hand is. In fact, the hand could ... OH NO! THERE IT IS! IT'S G-GOT ME!! GAKK!! ... Calvin? ... Calvin? ... I should've thought of that years ago.
+19880711 This has got to be a dream. Whenever you fall two miles up in the sky, you look down, gasp, and suddenly wake up. GASP GASP GASP GASP GASP
+19880712 I wonder if my life will flash before my eyes. That's the problem with being six years old ... my life won't take very long to watch. Maybe I can get a few slow-motion replays of the time I smacked Susie upside the head with a slushball.
+19880713 Say, I wonder if I have any gum in my pocket. I could blow a big bubble, and ... Nope. No gum. Let's try THIS pocket. MY TRANSMOGRIFIER GUN!! Boy, these things come in handy all the time.
+19880714 I forgot all about my transmogrifier gun! Now I have nothing to worry about! I'll just point it at myself and transmogrify! I'm safe! ZAP
+19880715 Where have you been?? I've been calling and calling. You're dinner's cold, I'm sure. I drifted away on my balloon and it popped, but fortunately I had my transmogrifier, so after I mistakenly turned myself into a safe, I transmogrified into a light particle and zipped back home instantaneously. ... Of course, If I'd known we were having THIS, I wouldn't have hurried. Sometime you should try transmogrifying yourself into someone who occasionally makes an ounce of sense.
+19880716 Calvin, I'd like you to pick up all the sticks and fallen branches in the yard, so I can mow it. Will you pay me? Well ... OK, I'll pay you a dollar. A dollar? I won't do it for less than twenty-five!! In a minute, you'll do it for nothing just because I told you to. ... I'll take the dollar. Smart kid.
+19880717 I GOT A HIT! SAFE! OK, that was a single. I have a ghost runner here now, so I can bat again. And my ghost runners who were on first and second base are now on second and third, right? Nope, they're both out. OUT? My ghost outfielder tagged your ghost going to third, and thre to my ghost second baseman. It was a brilliant double play. THAT NEVER HAPPENED! You've got two outs. Well, my ghost on first just stole home, so I've got another run! Ha ha, smarty! Yeah, well, all my outfield ghosts just ran in and beat the tobacco juice out of him. Ha! The ghost umpire just suspended all your ghosts for eternity. They're out of the game. Hmph! If my ghosts don't play, I don't play. You forfeit the game then! You lose automatically if you quit! The ghost crowd supports me. They're "boo"-ing you! Sometimes I wish I lived in a neighborhood with more kids.
+19880718 Let's go, Calvin! We're all ready! Boy, I haven't been to the zoo in ages. And Calvin's never been there. This will be fun. I've been telling him about it all week. He's so excited. C'MON, CALVIN! So WHERE do we have to go now? Beats ME. Mom and Dad are always dragging us to SOME dumb place.
+19880719 How come alligators are in this big pit? So they don't get out and eat people. Does the zoo ever throw anyone in? Don't be silly. Of course not. How soon until we got hom?
+19880720 Look! Monkeys! See how they use their tails and feet to climb? Zoos let people see how wild animals really behave. Hey, look what THAT monkey's doing! Right in public, too! Ha ha! That's gross! How come I'M not allowed to do that?! Come look at the birds over here, Calvin.
+19880721 What do you think of the zoo? I think it's kind of depressing. I always feel sorry for the animals. They don't have much room to move or anything to do. They just sleep until they're fed. That's pretty much all YOU do. You know what I mean.
+19880722 Hey, those kids are feeding the animals! Mom, can I get some peanuts to feed the animals? I'm not your Mom. WHOOP Are you lost? What does your Mom look like? From the knees down, she looks just like you.
+19880723 Gosh, I followed that lady halfway around the zoo, thinking she was my Mom. Why don't Moms write their names on their calves so this kind of thing wouldn't happen? I wonder where I am. And where's Hobbes? I thought he was right with me. Uh oh. Where's Calvin? Why do these little family trips always turn out this way? I'm going to spend more Saturdays at the office.
+19880724 Rustle rustle zing! WHAM! We tigers just LIVE for that! Not for long, you won't!
+19880725 Here's Hobbes, but where's Calvin? I don't see him. Where could he have gone? We just turned our backs for a minute. And why didn't he take Hobbes? You stay here in case he comes back, and I'll go look for him. OK. (sigh) Being a parent is wanting to hug and strangle your kid at the same time.
+19880726 Sheesh. Calvin could be anywhere in this zoo. I hope he at least has the sense to stay put, wherever he is. Where would the little rotter go if he was lost and separated from his stuffed toy? HIS NAME IS HOBBES, AND HE'S ... HEY, I'M TALKING TO YOU!! TIGERS Panthera Tigris
+19880727 I know! Maybe Calvin't at the tiger pit, since he likes tigers so much. Ha ha, maybe Calvin's IN the tiger pit, since he likes tigers so much.
+19880728 You found him! Thank goodness! Where was he? Looking at the tigers. I followed another lady, thinking it was Mom, and then when I realized I was lost, I went to ask the tigers if they'd seen Hobbes. Next time, you should ask a PERSON for help. ... Oh ... that never occurred to me. Only next time, there won't BE a next time, because we're just going to tie you to a stake in the yard ever weekend. Dear! A fat lot of help your compatriots were, I might add.
+19880729 Do you know what day it is? Nope. Why? Oh, no reason. I was just curious. I sure like summer vacation.
+19880730 So you want some water, huh? Well, I've got a big can of it here. It's up to ME to decide whether you get water or not! I control your fate! Your very LIVES are in my hands. Without ME you're as good as dead! Without ME, you don't ...
+19880731 Wow! How did you ever get so muddy? Well, I was just standing there, minding my own business, when all of a sudden, a horde of dirty cannibals comes ... forget it. Boy, what a delightful afternoon. Sometimes I feel like I work all the time to afford this place, and I never get to sit back with a good book and enjoy it. Well, at least I have the weekends to ... CALVIN! YOU GOT MUD ALL OVER THE HOUSE! LOOK AT YOU! AIEE - THE COUCH! WHAT'D YOU DO?! DID YOU WALK ACROSS THE COUCH?! I DIDN'T DO IT! SOMEONE ELSE MUST HAVE! I JUST SAW A MUDDY GUY GO RUNNING FROM ... OUT! OUT OF THE HOUSE NOW! OK, OK! I'M GOING! YOU DON'T NEED TO PUSH! I CAN TELL WHEN I'M NOT WANTED! HEY! LEGGO! OW! ALL RIGHT, GOODBYE! Hey, Dad, catch the water balloon! Great reflexes, Dad. By the way, don't go in the house like that. Mom's in one of her moods again. I'll bet I could get a lot of work done at office on weekends.
+19880801 Mom? What, Calvin? You know the living room couch? What about it? Don't you think it's too wide? I was just ASKING!
+19880802 Wind wind RUMBLE Oh, no! POW! IT WASN'T TUNA! IT WAS PINEAPPLE! SEE?! All cans sound the same.
+19880803 The problem with having a tiger for a friend is that he always appears out of nowhere, coming at you at 90 miles an hour! AAH! *Whew* I thought I heard him. ... Gosh, my heart is still pounding. Where IS he?? Oh, THERE'S Hobbes. Thank goodness. You haven't been looking well, Calvin. Maybe you should go to bed earlier.
+19880804 Boy, what a beautiful summer morning, huh, Dad? Too bad you can't stay home to enjoy it. When you're old, you'll be sorry you never took advantage of days like these, but of course, that's far off, and in the meantime, there's lots of work to be done. Yep, you'd better go to work, have a good long drive in traffic. Maybe you'll get home in time to watch the sun set ... if you can stay awake. So long! Golly, I'd hate to have a kid like me.
+19880805 What would you do if I creamed you with this water balloon right now? Take the worst thing you can imaging, and imagine something a hundred times worse than that. You'd do THAT? No, I'd do something even worse. He piqued my curiosity.
+19880806 BIP WHEEEE.
+19880807 The race will finish at that trr, OK? This tree? Right. Readysetgo, I win! On your mark ... get set ... Go! Hey! Leggo! OW! Stop that! MMF RRG PUFF PUFF FINISH! Oof. Ten minutes! That's our best time yet for the 50-yard dash!
+19880808 What are you doing with all your Dad's tools in the bathroom? This faucet drips, so I'm going to fix it. YOU'RE going to fix it? That's what I said. ... And you can keep your comments to yourself, Dr Doom. I didn't say anything.
+19880809 Fixing a faucet is easy. All you do is take it apart, see what's leaking, plug it up, and put it back together. Does your Mom know you're doing this? Nope. It's going to be a surprise. And we all know how she loves surprises. I can't get this handle off. Pass me the hacksaw, will you?
+19880810 Aren't you supposed to turn off the water before you take apart the faucet? That's the problem I'm trying to fix, you moron! I can't turn the water off because the faucet leaks! Sheesh, where were YOU when they were passing out brains? OH NO! AUGHH! ACKK! I'll get you some paper and carbons for your written apology.
+19880811 Hobbes, quick! How do you turn off the water?!? How should I know?? I can't put this piece back in with all this water coming out! I'll get your Mom! MY MOM? Have you lost your mind? She can't find out about this! I'll bet she notices when the kitchen ceiling starts to drip. Open the medicine cabinet! Find some cyanide!
+19880812 La da dee dee da I think I'll get a bucket ... dum de doo ... Nothing's wrong ... da dee doo ba ... I just want a bucket to hold some stuf. Ta tum ta tum. Let's see, how many buckets do we have? Dum de doo. No cause for alarm. No need to panic ... I just want a few buckets. La la. YOUR turn.
+19880813 Calvin, what are you doing? I'm ... uh ... going to the bathroom. Is everything all right? Fine! Don't come up! FLUSH
+19880814 Dinosaurs everywhere flee for their lives! Calvin is coming. The late cretaceous: the last epoch of the mighty dinosaurs. King of the thunder lizards is the fearsome Calvin, the tyrannosaurus! Seven tons of muscle and teeth, he searches for his prey! Calvin, for goodness sake, stop stomping around! You're driving me crazy! OW! CHOMP! How did the fearsome tyrannosaurus become extinct? Now we know!
+19880815 What's all that water I hear? I'm coming in! Oh my gosh! ACKPBT! WHAT'S GOING ON?!? SPLUTB! BPLPTH! There! I got the water off. ALL RIGHT, CALVIN, WHERE ARE YOU?! H-hi, Dad. It's the end of the world, Calvin.
+19880816 Look at this bathroom! What on earth were you DOING?! Nothing, Dad! I was just here looking for some dental floss, when PLOOIE! The faucet handle blows sky high all by itself! It ... it ... uh ... What I mean is, Hobbes was fooling around with your tools. I tried to stop him, but he wouldn't listen, and sure enough, he went and ... and ... One more try. Aliens, Dad! Big, evil, bug-eyed monsters from Pluto! They did it, and made me swear not to tell!
+19880817 Boy, Dad sure blew his stack THAT time, didn't he?? What a sorehead! Listening to HIM, you'd think nobody in the world had ever needed to all a plumber before. Dad's got a job. He can afford it. Dad makes such a big deal out of everything. When he does, I sure wish you'd stop trying to pin your crimes on ME. Oh, now YOU'RE going to start on me TOO, huh?
+19880818 WAP Is this yours? No. What is it? For a girl, she's remarkably perceptive.
+19880819 No text.
+19880820 Give me some cookies, or I light the fuse and send us all to kingdom come. What did you do, stick a piece of string into a hot dog? For heaven't sake, don't waste food, Calvin. Give me that. Can I have any cookies? No. Go play outside. I sure wish I could get my hands on some REAL dynamite. Can I have the hot dog, or did your Mom take it?
+19880821 I brought a scary story out, so we're all set. What's it called? "The hideous monster who waits in your back yard to dismember you." Gosh, this is the creepiest story I've ever heard! Don't stop. Keep reading. "Slowly the bog monster approached the innocent campers. Fangs glistening in the moonlight, it ..." What was that noise? Oh, stop it. This is scary enough. No, really. I heard something! Listen! SNAP! It's the bog monster! Oh, no!! Oh, no!! Quick, turn out the flashlight! Lie still! CRUNCH CRACK It's coming this way! We're doomed! It's getting closer and closer! ZIPPPPP! Oh, my gosh, its... it's opening the tent flap! It's coming in! AIEE! There it is! Blind it with the flashlight! Pull down the tent poles! Run, Hobbes, RUN! What are you doing in here?! Where's your Dad? He just went out to check on you. The bog monster must've got him! WHERE'S THAT KID?!
+19880822 Everything floats randomly in the romm! There's no gravity! Calvin pushes off the ceiling at a sharp angle, aiming for the hallway! He glides with unchecked momentum, turning himself to be able to push off the next stationary surface. C'mon, you! Outside! You're really bouncing off the walls today. Aw, Mom!
+19880823 Extra pants... Three shirts, two seaters, two sweatshirts... Another pair of pants... Still trying to learn to ride that bicycle, eh? I don't need any comments from you.
+19880824 A shadow falls over the large city skyscrapers! It's a gigantic ant! With one footstep, it pulverizes the entire downtown! Millions die instantly! The ant brushes the city off the map! People flood the streets in panic, only to be smashed in the horrible wreckage! Well... maybe I won't...
+19880825 What are you doing, Susie? Drawing on the sidewalk. Wow! Can I too? Sure. Here's some chalk. Gosh, I've never been a vandal before! This isn't vandalism. It washes right off!
+19880826 OK, I feel one coming. Are you ready? Ready. ACHOOO POOF Did you get it? Yep! See, here it comes. Boy, that's a good one! Why can't my school portraits ever look like this?
+19880827 Don't come in here! Why not? I'm roasting. You'll get hair in the water. Go do something else. HEY! Stop that! HEY! HEY! You think you've won, huh? Well, I'm not even going to TELL you what I did. ACKPTH!
+19880828 Well, summer is almost over, it sure went quick, didn't it? Yep. There's never enough time to do all the nothing you want.
+19880829 TRIP BAP WHACK BAP
+19880830 I'm hungry. Too bad. Breakfast isn't until tomorrow. My tummy's growling. Hush. Most people don't sleep well next to a hungry tiger. Sometimes I sure wish I had a dog. More tuna and less mayonnaise.
+19880831 Oh, no! There's a tyrannosaurus in the grocery store! The dinosaur heads for the meat department and devours the butcher! Shoppers everywhere flee for their lives! It's mayhem, destruction and carnage, in the aisles! Oh, no! Calvin, can't I take you ANYWHERE?! Now the tyrannosaurus wants cookies!
+19880901 Planet Calvin moves across the solar system. Nobody notices until his orbit takes him directly between the sun and earth. Calvin causes a total solar eclipse! Earch is shrouded in darknes. How long will Calvin stay there? Could you move, please? You're in my light. HA HA HAAA!
+19880902 Election day is coming up. Have you decided on a running mate? Sure. You can't be elected Dad without a MOM, right? Are you going to keep the Mom I've had, or get a NEW running mate? Gee... Bedtime, Calvin. Of course I'll stick with your Mom. Aww.
+19880903 I think rituals are important. MY favorite ritual is eating three bowls of "chocolate frosted sugar bombs" and watching TV cartoons all Saturday morning. After a few hourse, I'm so overstimulated I can't sit still or even think straight. Sort of a transcendental experience, huh? Yeah. I achieve a lower consciousness.
+19880904 Can I have a different plate, Mom? Why? Somebody puked on mine. Just eat your dinner and keep quiet, OK, Calvin? EWWWW MMF! HOOPA ARGH! FLIP FLOP BLAHHHHHHH TWITCH TWITCH Oh, knock it off, Calvin, it's hamburger casserole. There's not a thing in there you don't like. This is HAMBURGER? Chew Chew Hmm... This bit wasn't so bad, for some reason. I was able to choke it down, anyway. My stomach is still cramping up, but the pains aren't as sharp any more. The secret is to suppress the gag reflex. After I swallow it, I can stand it. Good I'm glad this is such a hit.
+19880905 All right, all right! I'm GOING! Hey! Leggo! I can walk myself! I just have to... OK! Look, I'm going! I'm going! Sure, you think school's great NOW. But in a couple of hourse you'll MISS me! You'll see!
+19880906 There goes Calvin off to school. He sure put up a fuss. Well, he'll have fun once he gets there. See, he's even running now. He's all excited about... HEY! CALVIN. THE BUS STOP IS THAT WAY! COME BACK HERE!
+19880907 I can't believe I'm here waiting to go to school. What happened to summer? Gosh, I couldn't WAIT for today! Soon we'll be making new friends, learning all sorts of important things, and... What's the matter with YOU?? Your bangs do a good job of covering up the lobotomy stitches.
+19880908 I pledge allegiance... to Queen Fragg... and her mighty state of hysteria... It's going to be a long year.
+19880909 Hey, Calvin, you're on my swing. Get lost. I'm not scared of you, Moe. Oh no? Nope. You're so dumb you probably never thought about how a sparrow's smaller size and maneuverability is an advantage in fighting off big crows. Yeah? Those TV nature programs will be the death of me yet.
+19880910 Yes, Calvin? May I be excused, please? Again? I have to go. Bad. All right. Thank you. What are YOU doing home?! I had to go.
+19880911 So THERE you are! Get out right now! Into the tub! Let's go!! She'd never have found me if I hadn't sneezed. I'll give you a quarter to take my bath for me. Let's see the quarter first. Here. Just splash around while I make sounds as if it's me in the tub. OK, it's a deal. In fact, for another 25 cents, I'll take your Wednesday batch, too. Wow! Really? I could never take a bath again! La de da da dum dum I'm washing my arms now! Whoops! Dropped the soap! Now I'm washing my face! OK, you can come out now. That's long enough. Boy, that was easy. A few weeks of this and I'll be rich! Not so long with the drier. Mom will get suspicious. I'm not all dry yet. There! We made it. Now keep a straight face. Good night. Give me a kiss. BLECHH! You're filty. Didn't you hear me take a batch?? See? My towel is wet! See? See? I want my quarter back. Forget it. It's as good as spent.
+19880912 Have you been reading the papers? Grown-ups really have the world fouled up. Acid rain, toxic wastes, holes in the ozone, sewage in the oceans, and on and on! The only bright side to all this is that eventually there may not be a piece of the planet worth fighting over.
+19880913 You're packing? Yep. Get your toothbrush, Hobbes, we're outta here. It's an outrage how grown-ups have polluted the earth! I refuse to inherit a spoiled plant! I'm LEAVING! Really? Where to?? You know, sometimes you're a real load to have around. I was just ASKING!
+19880914 How about Mars? We could go there to avoid Earth's pollution. Yeah! If we go NOW, we can claim it and keep everyone else off it. OK, it's settled. Mars it is. You finish packing. I'll go get the wagon. We're going in the wagon? Of course! What did YOU want to do? Flap your arms? I guess I hadn't thought about that part. Obviously.
+19880915 So long, Mom. Hobbes and I are going to Mars to live. Earth is too polluted. Have a good time. Say goodbye to Dad for us. If I can find an interplanetary post offce, I'll write to you once in a while and ... Calvin, don't stand there with the door open. You're letting in the bugs. Either stay in or go outside. She didn't seem to choked up about us going, did she? We should've left a long time ago.
+19880916 BLAST OFF! Do you really think we'll get enough lift to break Earth's gravity? Of course! You think I didn't plan this out?! I thought of everything. Did you think of what you'll eat on our trip? Packing was YOUR job! Didn't you pack us any FOOD?? I packed food for ME...
+19880917 We did it! We cleared Earth's orbit! Mars, here we come! Are you sure this is the way? What? You didn't bring the map?!
+19880918 Call it. Tails. OK, best two out of three. OOOMPH Let's change this to TOUCH football, OK?
+19880919 Space travel makes you realize just how small we really are. When you see Earth as a tiny blue speck in the infinite reaches of space, you have to wonder about the mysteries of creation. Surely we're all part of some great design, no more or less important than anything else in the Universe. Surely everything fits together and has a purpose, a reason for being. Doesn't it make you wonder? I wonder what happens if you throw up in zero gravity. Maybe you should wonder what it's like to walk home.
+19880920 Hang on! We're coming in through Mars' atmosphere. BONK BONK We've landed! We're the first ones to ever set foot on another planet! What a historic moment! I still can't believe you forgot the camera. I remembered it. YOU just didn't want to turn around.
+19880921 See any signs of Martian life? Not yet... Hey, look! It's the old "Viking" spacecraft that landed here in the '70s. Gosh, I wonder if it's still working. BLAHHHH HOOP HOOP BOOLA BOOLA ACKACKACK That ought to blow some circuits at NASA! Hee Hee Hee! I've always wanted to do something like that.
+19880922 Well, this is our new home. I guess we should unpack and set up camp. Comic books... comic books... tuna... some candy bars... more tuna... toothbrushes... a can opener... looks like we're all set. What's this? A night light. I thought it might be scary sleeping on a new planet. Boy, you thought of everything. Now we have to find an outlet.
+19880923 Yep, Mars may be a little dull, but it's better than earth. CRUNCH CRUCH We've got a whole planet to ourselves. Brand new and unspoiled. No people. No pollution. Nothing but rugget, natural beauty as far as the eye can see. That's not your candy bar wrapper over there, is it? It was just there a minute! I wasn't going to leave it.
+19880924 I don't know about you, but I LIKE it here on Mars. I do too. It's very peaceful. Not only that, but we don't have MOM here to boss us around! No early bedtime, no baths, no disgusting dinners, no... Did that rock just move?? MOMMMMM!!
+19880925 You know what would make this house a lot better? No, what? You should take out the stairs and put me in an elevator. Good. I'll file that with your idea for a moving sidewalk. Oh no! WHOAAA OWW ... WWCH! WHOAAA OWW ... WWCH! WHOAAA OWW ... WWCH! Did you fall down the stairs AGAIN?! That's me. (Oof), the human slinky.
+19880926 Oh my gosh, that rock moved! There's something under it! It must be a Martian! Oh no! Oh no! It's probably some creepy, tentacled, bug-eyed monster! You're right! There's a tentacle now! It's coming out! What will we do?! AAUGHHHHH
+19880927 Is the Martian still out there? I'll take a peek. I don't see him. He must have hidden. Hidden?? Do you think he's scared of us? Why not? WE'RE scared of HIM. Yeah, but WE'RE just ordinary earthlings, not weirdos from another planet, like HE is.
+19880928 Why do you think the Martian hid from us? Maybe Martians don't like Earthlings. Don't like us?! What's not to like?? There's nothing wrong with humans! Hey, you Martian! Come on out! We're not bad! We just came here because our people polluted our own planet so much that ... uh... what I mean, is... um... So what are you saying? That our reputation has preceded us? Would you welcome in a dog that wasn't house-trained?
+19880929 I guess we should go home to Earth. Yeah, we may not be welcome here. We ought to fix up our own planet before we go messing around with other people's planets. After all, there's only one Earth, and it's got to last us a while. We also should go home because we're clean out of tuna. I hope Mom and Dad didn't rent out my room.
+19880930 There's Earth. We're almost home. Look, you can see the continents. Hmm... if I remember my atlas, we live in a big, purple country. And our house is by the giant letter "E" in the word "States".
+19881001 Hi, Dad! Guess what Hobbes and I did! We went to Mars! Well, well. Yep. We were going to live there because Earth is so polluted, but we discovered that Mars is inhabited, so we came back home. You didn't like the Martians? No, they didn't like US. I think they were afraid we'd junk up Mars the way we've junked up Earth. What's my good briefcase doing out, and why does it smell like tuna fish?! And can you believe it, Dad? We go clear to Mars, and dumb ol' Hobbes forgets the camera!
+19881002 Uh-oh. Something is very wrong here. Calvin has mysteriously shrunk to a quarter of an inch tall! How can he make his plight known to his parents when he is smaller than a penny? Calvin gets an idea! He grabs the leg of a passing housefly and flies to his Dad's camera! Once there, he climbs up and sets the self-timer. Jumping on the shutter, Calvin has 15 short seconds to get in front of the lens. With luck, Calvin's Dad will have the film developed soon, and discover what has happened. What happened?! Look at all these terrible pictures! I don't remember taking these. Who's that little speck in the distance all the time? You haven't been fooling with my camera, have you? ME? Heck, no. Maybe you should get the camera fixed.
+19881003 For show and tell, I have brought a space alien I captured in my back yard. Yes, for the last two days I've been keeping it in this special zarnium-coated bag, and feeding it pure ammonia! And now, the moment you've all been waiting for! AARGH How'd it work? My teacher says Mom and Dad both have to sign my report cards this year.
+19881004 SCOOTCH SCOOTCH GREETINGS. I AM X-387 ROBOT PROBE SENT FROM JUPITER. Mm hmm. MY SENSORS INDICATE TRACE AMOUNTS OF CHOCOLATE IN THE PANTRY. PLEASE LOAD SOME IN MY SCOOP FOR ANALYSIS. No, you'll spoil your appetite. MY MISSION MUST NOT FAIL. PREPARE FOR ANNIHILATION, PITIFUL EARTH FEMALE. Go back to Jupiter, X-3 whatever.
+19881005 You know, when you think about it, our lives are pretty nice. A lot of kids don't have as good of a home life as we do. We really can't complain. ... which isn't to say we should go home yet. When do you think they'll see the car windshield?
+19881006 Hi Susie! Guess what I brought for lunch. No! Go sit by someone else, OK? You always say your lunch is something revolting, and I don't want to hear it! Gee whiz, what's wrong with you? My lunch is peanut butter. What's so disgusting about that?! Hmph. I'm glad that one day out of the year you can be civil. It's my DESSERT that's gross! Look, a thermos full of phlegm!
+19881007 Calvin, will you run and get my purse, please? I need the calculator. Sure. Here you are. Thanks. Ahem. I'M NOT GOING TO TIP YOU!! Huh! See if I ever fetch anything again.
+19881008 Election day is coming up, Dad. People want to know where you stand on the issues. Such as? Later bedtimes, expanded TV privileges, shorter school weeks, and less discipline. I'm against them all. How's your IRA? Pretty well funded? Go to bed.
+19881009 My parents are the two stupidest people on earth. Just my luck, they'd get married and have me. I hate everybody. I don't see home anyone could ever fall in love. People are jerks. Sometimes they are, but look at the colors on the trees today. Yeah? So what? I think it's more fun to see something like this WITH someone than just by yourself. I GUESSSS so... but I'd still rather see this with a tiger than a person. Well, THAT goes without saying.
+19881010 MOMMMM What's the matter, Calvin? I don't feel good. What hurts? My stomach. I want Mom. ME? What's wrong with YOU, for crying out loud?!? You can ask him. Now let me get back under the covers.
+19881011 Sheesh, it's two in the morning. Why do kids always have to feel sick at two in the morning? Calvin probably just ate too much dessert. If he's going to get me up at this hour, he'd better REALLY be sick. BARRRFF I DIDN'T MEAN IT! Honey, pipe down. I'm trying to sleep.
+19881012 It's been 20 minutes since you've been sick, so let's take your temparature. Ig gomfa fome ubhiggin. What'd you say, honey? IG GOMFA FOME UBHIGGIN. AACK! WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SO? Give me the thermometer! Run! Run!
+19881013 I think the worst of this is over, so just try to get some sleep. I'm going back to bed, but give me a call, if you feel sick again, OK? Now get some rest. Mm hmm. Poor little kid. YECHHH! There is nothing worse than a sick roommate! Face THAT way!
+19881014 It's scary being sick... especially at night. What if something is REALLY wrong with me, and I have to go to the hospital?? What if they stick me full of tubes and hoses? What if they have to operate? What if the operation fails? What if this is my... my... last night... ALIVE?? Then I can look forward to having the bed to myself tomorrow. Few things are less comforting than a tiger who's up too late.
+19881015 Feel any better this morning, Calvin? No. I guess I'd better make you an appointment with the doctor. OK. It's Saturday, by the way. You won't miss school. I know.
+19881016 The valiant Spaceman Spiff, energetic inter-galactic explorer, comes in over the mountains of a strange planet! Our hero desperately hopes to find a rest area with working facilities. Spaceman Spiff lands on the distant planet Zokk. Climbing down from his spacevraft, our hero prepares to explore te surface! Unexpectedy, Spiff's first step sends him careening through the sky! Spiff quickly realizes that Planet Zokk has only a fraction of Earth's gravity. With practice, our hero soon finds he can bound effortlessly across the landscape. Stop bouncing on the bed and go to sleep.
+19881017 Well, it looks like Calvin just caught the bug going around. Nothing serious. Keep an eye on him, and let me know if he isn't feeling better soon. OK. Thank you. So long, Calvin. You were a good patient this time. Mm. Nothing like a little virus to take the edge off a kid. I'd still rather let his teacher deal with him.
+19881018 I get to stay home from school today. I get to lie in bed, drink tea, and read comic books all day. I wish I could do this every day. ... like some people I know. Your Mom doesn't bring ME tea in bed.
+19881019 I want some more toast. ROOM SERVICE!! Ha! THAT sure got you up here quick! Tomorrow you're going to school.
+19881020 I think people worry too much about little things. All they do is make themselves unhappy that way. Why get an ulcer over things that don't really matter? Like the book report you're supposed to be writing now on the book you haven't read? Exactly. Case in point.
+19881021 Why in the world am I waiting in the pouring rain for the school bus to take me somewhere I don't even want to go? I go to school, but I never learn what I want to know.
+19881022 I hate school. Each day I count the hours until school's over. Then I count the days until the weekend. Then I count the weeks until the month is over, and then the months until summer. I always have to postpone what I WANT to do for what I HAVE to do! Welcome to the world. Would you sign this parental excuse to get me out of the next 11 1/2 years of school?
+19881023 I feel a big sneeze welling up. ... which is always a sure sign that I'm not carrying a handkerchief. Ah... Ah... Ah... CHOOOOO!! Mom, I sneezed and blew my head off! Pull your shirt down, Calvin. You're not fooling anyone. Mom would be a lot more fun if she was a little more gullible.
+19881024 Dumb balloon. Poof poof poof poof poof
+19881025 Hey, Susie, did you have any trouble with our math homework last night? No, why? I thought a couple of these were tricky. Can I check my answers with yours? OK. Thanks. What did you get for questions one? Seven. Seven? Good, that's what I got. What did you get for question two? DROP DEAD, CALVIN.
+19881026 Ever sit and watch ants? Look at this one. He's carrying a crumb that's bigger than he is, and he's RUNNING. And if you put an obstacle in front of him, he'll scramble like crazy until he gets across it. He doesn't let anything stop him. I just can't identify with that kind of work ethic.
+19881027 Just think, Earth was a cloud of dust 4.5 billion years ago... 3 billion years ago, the first bacteria appeared. Then came sea life, dinosaurs, birds, mammals, and finally a million years ago, man. Now in 1988, there's me. ... the acme of evolution. Oh, PLEASE.
+19881028 It's not quite the same, is it? And it probably won't snow for another month at least.
+19881029 Z Z GRRR Z GROWLL RRR! Psst! Hey! Wake up! You're dreaming! Grrrr... And Mom wonders why I never look rested in the morning.
+19881030 So THERE you are! Get out right now! Into the tub! Let's go!! She'd never have found me if I hadn't sneezed. I'll give you a quarter to take my bath for me. Let's see the quarter first. Here. Just splash around while I make sounds as if it's me in the tub
+19881031 Look! A buckeye! Isn't it pretty? Look how perfect it is. I'm going to keep this one. What will you do with it? Try to dent Susie's skull from 50 feet.
+19881101 What are you doing? Dad told me to go outside, so I'm digging a hole to China. If Dad's going to be such a grouch, I figure I'll just go live on the other side of the planet. You can come too, if you want. There's another shovel in the garage. You don't think your DAD will get mad about us digging up the driveway? Oh, you know Dad. He'll get mad no matter WHERE we dig.
+19881102 Look what Mom made me! A super hero outfit. Don't I look cool? Now I can fight crime without anyone knowing my true identity! Yep, I'm all set now! ... So! Seen any crimes? Why do you care that nobody knows your identity?
+19881103 Calvin, take off your outfit before you sit at the table, OK? Calvin? Who's Calvin? I'm Stupendous Man! Stop being silly. And do as I asked you. But Mom, I NEED to wear this for dinner! No you don't. Let's go. But Stupendous Man has a stomach of steel!
+19881104 Mom said I can't go outside until I finish my homework. If you'll help me, I'll be faster. What's five plus seven? I don't know. I don't either. Then write, "I don't know." Hey, that's a true answer, isn't it! I can write that for ALL of these! We're done! We'd better have a look at our prodigy's homework.
+19881105 Want to go play outside? No. I'm watching TV. You hate this show. Let's go out. Nah. Why not? Dad said he was sick of arguing with me, and for all he cared, I could watch TV until my brains oozed out of my ears. So you're going to? It was a hard-won privilege.
+19881106 Flaps ... check. Fuel ... check. Landing gear ... check. Goggles... check. Calvin pilots his F-15 at more than 1,500 miles per hour. Loaded with tons of every conceivable missile weapon, the jet shrieks low over the ground. Up and over the next rise, his target comes into view. Calvin FIRES! FWISSHHH! Missile after missile streaks ahead and detonates with grim accuracy! PFOOM! Mission accomplished! A smoldering crater is all that remains of Calvin's elementary school! ... sigh...
+19881107 Well Dad, we're right down to the wire, and the polls say you won't be Dad here much longer. It seems you're just not likeable enough. Those polled continue to find you a cold fish. If you want some advice, I suggest you do something extraordinarily likeable in the next two minutes. Go to bed. No, no! It's WAY too late to learn how to tell jokes.
+19881108 Ten... Fifteen... Six... Twenty-two... HIKE! YAAAA AUGH! Another five yeard loss! We've got to get some other players.
+19881109 Boy, you're lucky YOU don't have to go to school like I do. You don't know what it's like to get up on these cold, dark mornings and have to go someplace you hate. Yes I do. Oh yeah? How could you? You tell me every morning. Oh, am I keeping you awake?! I'm SORRY!
+19881110 Hey! This (mmf) isn't (ooch) how you play the game! You still haven't tackled me!
+19881111 Off the swing, Twinky. Forget it, Moe. I just got on. You have to wait your turn like everyone else. I said, "Off". I keep forgetting that rules are only for little nice people.
+19881112 HIKE! Whoops! Heh heh... I'm losing the game, but winning an ambulatory adulthood.
+19881113 RINGGG What a day. KAPOW You think that's funny? Come back here and fight, you weasel! What happened to YOU?? Don't ask. I'm going upstairs to change. NOT AGAAINN! Where's Calvin? I sent him to his room. I caught him making prank calls to pet stores, asking if they'd buy his tiger.
+19881114 Hey, Susie, can I borrow your black crayon? OK, but don't break it. And don't peel the paper off, and color with all sides of it so it stays pointy. Geez, why don't you take out an insurance policy on it? Just don't ruin my crayon. What are you drawing anyway? Black bears attacking a black forest campground at midnight. Give me my crayon back.
+19881115 Hey! What's this stuff in my soup?! Yecchh! Is this rice?!? It had better NOT be! Rice? Let me see. Look! These little white things! See, there's rice in my soup! I hate rice! I didn't put any rice in. These are maggots. EWWWW!! Another lovely meal at home with my family... I wish my job required more travel. Well, he's EATING it now, right? Gosh, wait 'til I tell everyone at school what WE had for dinner!
+19881116 Uh oh. HOOP EEP! I've got the hiccups something terrible, Mom. Drink some water.
+19881117 BANG! I gotcha! ARGG! GAACKK UGHH! Here. What's this? It's your death rattle!
+19881118 It must be awful to be a girl. I'm sure it's frustrating knowing that men are bigger, stronger and better at abstract thought than women. Really, if you're a girl, what would make you go on living? The thought of a jerk like you begging one of us for a date when you're 17. Ha! Not ME! Gross!
+19881119 The tyrannosaurus stalks the cretaceous shores. The 5-ton carnovorous lizard can run faster than a charging rhino! What could be more horrifying? STOP THAT CLOMPING AROUND!! ... besides the blood-curdling roar of its Mom...
+19881120 I've never liked crayons very much. They just don't have any flavor at all. For an art project, I'm supposed to draw my pet, but since I don't have one, I'll draw you. OK! Look ferocious. How's this? That's great. Hold still, now. Hmm... mm... ARRGH! This isn't coming out good at all! I can't draw tigers! I hate this class! Here, let me try. The good things about drawing a tiger is that it automatically makes your picture fine art. Hey, that's pretty good. Put some human heads around him, as if he just ate a village. How's that? Boy, this is great! I'll have the best picture in the whole class! I can't wait to show everyone! Wow! Thanks, Hobbes! But I'm NOT lying! My TIGER drew it! Do you think I could draw something that good MYSELF?? Yes...
+19881121 When I grow up, I want to be an inventor. First I will invent a time machine. Then I'll come back yesterday and take myself to tomorrow and skip this dumb assignment.
+19881122 MOMMM, I'M HOME FROM SCHOOL! OPEN THE DOOR FOR ME, OK? What's the matter? It wasn't locked. Sometimes Hobbes is waiting to pounce on me as soon as I open the door. Oh for heaven's sake! From now on, don't call me to come to the door unless it's locked. Ha! I sure out-smarted Hobbes THIS time! THBBPTT! Sissy.
+19881123 Boy, I'm in a bad mood today! Everyone had better steer clear of me! I hate EVERYBODY! As far as I'm concerned, everyone on the planet can just drop dead. People are scum. WELL-L-L? DOESN'T ANYONE WANT TO CHEER ME UP?!?
+19881124 Get out of my way! I'm in a bad mood. I'll bet a pet dog would've gotten out of my way.
+19881125 Watch out, Mom. I'm in a bad mood. Be in a bad mood somewhere else, OK? I'm busy. Hmph! I'll bet my biological mother would've bought me a comic booka nd made me feel better instead of shunning me like YOU. Kid, anyone BUT your biological mother would've left you to the wolves long ago. Yeah, right. Really, how much did you pay for me?
+19881126 Waht's your tail for? My tail? Yeah, why do tigers need tails? Gee, I'm not really sure. I guess just because they look good. So it's sort of a necktie for your butt? Let's not be vulgar. You're just jealous.
+19881127 If I was in charge, we'd never see grass between October and May. On 'THREE,' ready? One... two... three! SNOW! I SAID SNOW! C'MON! SNOW! SNOW! OK, then, don't snow! See what I care! I LIKE this weather! Let's have it forever! PLEEAASE snow! Please?? Just a foot! Ok, eight inches! That's all! C'mon! Six inches, even! How about just six?? I'M WAAIITING... RRRRGGHHH DO YOU WANT ME TO BECOME AN ATHEIST?
+19881128 WHO MADE THIS MESS OUT HERE?! It wasn't ME, Mom, it was... uh... it was... it was a horrible little venusian who materialized in the kitchen! He took out some diabolical high-frequency device, pointed it at various objects, and... mothers are the necessity of invention.
+19881129 I'M HO-OME! KAPOW What did you do, step on a land mine? When's Dad ever going to build that tiger pit I keep asking him about?
+19881130 Calvin, where are you? Get out here! Come on, Calvin, I'm getting tired of this. I MEAN it, Calvin! Come out and take your bath! NOW! Sooner or later she's going to have to question whether this is really worth the trouble.
+19881201 I wish it would snow eight feet in the next five minutes so they'd have to close school. C'mon, snow! Snow snow snow snow snow snow snow snow! So close... and yet so far.
+19881202 You think God lets you plea bargain? I'd worry more about your Mom.
+19881203 Hello? Hi, Dad! It's me, Calvin. Will you tell me a story? Calvin, I'm at work! I don't have time to tell you a story now. I'm very busy! Get off the phone. I'm expecting important calls. OK, Dad. I'll just stay here quietly growing up at an unbelievable rate, never spending much special time with my own Dad who's always working. Right, right. This is the story of the hydraulic pump (Fig. 1), the wheel shaft flange (Fig. 2), and the evil patent infringement. I want a GOOD story.
+19881204 Who is this mysterious masked man?? KAPWINGG! And why has he never been photographed together with handsome, 6-year-old millionaire playboy Calvin? A solitary caped figure runs across the moonlit building top! A crimson bolt blasts across the night sky, striking fear into the hearts of all evildoers! Yes, it's STUPENDOUS MAN, champion of liberty, defender of free will! Some diabolical fiend threatens to establish a totalitarian system of rule! Only STUPENDOUS MAN can save the day! Aha! Just as I suspected! My evil archnemesis, MOM-LADY! Didn't I tell you to go to bed?!? Oh, no! Stupendous Man's stupendous powers are no match against his adversary! Stupendous Man is vanquished! This would have been plenty humiliating WITHOUT the goodnight kiss. And take off that silly hood before you smother over in your sleep.
+19881205 Spiff's spacecraft is immobilized! The navigatron has shorted out! A zillion miles from any planet, our hero must climb out and fix it himself in zero gravity! Upside down, Spiff clings tightly to his spaceship! One slip will send him hurling into the horrors of the infinite beyond! GO... TO... SCHOOL! NO!
+19881206 I don't understand how Santa runs his operation. How can he afford to give toys away? How does he pay for the raw materials he uses to make the toys? How does he pay his elves? There's no income to cover his costs. How does he do it? Deficit spending, I guess. Sure, but sooner or later it's going to catch up to him, and then where will I be?!
+19881207 Dear Santa, Hi, it's me, Calvin. This year I've been extra good, so PBTBT!! MMF MMF EEP! Perhaps you need a drink of water. I think I do.
+19881208 Want to read my letter to Santa? All THAT?! I hope I didn't forget to ask for something I want. This is alphabetized. Yeah, and I cross-indexed the accessory items he'll need to get. I try to help him out. This says "Volume One". "Atom Bomb" through "Grenade Launcher". You're going to be one sad little kid on Christmas morning.
+19881209 It snowed last night! Turn on the radio! Maybe they closed school! Maybe the school buses all froze up! Maybe the principal can't get out of his driveway! Get dressed, Calvin. It only snowed an inch. Getting an inch of snow is like winning 10 cents in the lottery.
+19881210 A lone knight charges up the hill towards the giant cave at the top. Immediately the monstrous dragon lunges out and spews a raging fireball! The knight is fried to a crunchy crips... his armor fused into a solid piece! The dragon cricles overhead, daring other fools to come after him! Did you brush your teeth? Come here and see!
+19881211 Here we are at the top of "Dismemberment Gorge". Ready to go down? How about if I steer this time? Get on, you big sissy. I've been good all day so far. Christmas is getting near, huh? You got it. I've been wondering, though. Is it truly being good if the only reason I behave well is so I can get more loot at Christmas? I mean, really, all I'm doing is saying I can be bribed. Is that good enough, or do I have to be good in my heart and spirit? In other words, do I really have to BE good or do I have to ACT good? I suppose in YOUR case, Santa will have to take what he can get. OK... so exactly how good do you think I have to act? REALLY good, or just PRETTY good?
+19881212 I'm gonna pound you in gym class, shrimp. Get your kicks now, you glandular freak, because once you grow up you can't go beating people up for no reason. Yeah, I guess you're right. That really wasn't what I meant at all.
+19881213 What grade did you get? I got an "A". Really? Boy, I'd hate to be you. I got a "C". Why on earth would you rather get a "C" than an "A"?! I find my life is a lot easier the lower I keep everyone's expectations.
+19881214 Why do I have to wear these dorky clothes and get my hair combed?! Your Dad's going to take your picture. Hold still. I don't WANT to get my picture taken! It will just a few minutes. We're going to put the pictur eof you in our Christmas cards so everyone can see what you look like now. What a dumb idea. Why are we doing that? So we won't have relatives dropping by to visit. DEAR...
+19881215 Ready? OK, give me a nice smile. That's good. One... two... three! CLICK My hair's getting messed up, Dad!
+19881216 I don't have much film left, so stop making faces when I take the picture, or your name's mud. You could've been done 20 minutes ago if you'd just cooperated. Now give me a smile and hold it for two seconds. CLICK CALVIN! THAT WAS A SMILE! I SMILED!
+19881217 We can't send these in our Christmas cards. People will think it's sacrilegeous. Well, these DO look like Calvin... except for the combed hair.
+19881218 Ahh... the perfect slushball! Hard enough to sting, yet sloppy enough to dribble down the collar and soak the undergarments. Here comes Susie. Now's my chance to hit her with the slushball! I see you! You'd better not throw that! Santa Claus is watching you right now! ZINGG FWISSHHH! WHAP! Oh yes! YES! It was worth it! What a shot! I'm not sorry! Oh, it was beautiful! I'd do it again in a minute! Ha ha! Santa's gonna skip this block for years.
+19881219 Do you think monsters are under the bed tonight? I don't know. How can you tell without looking? One way is to tell a story about a little kid getting mauled and eaten alive. How does THAT tell you of you have monsters? Sometimes they laugh.
+19881220 I'm freezing! Why do we keep this house so darn cold?! Crank up the thermostat and build a fire, will ya? I have a better idea. C'mere. OK, step outside. Why? What's outside? In a few minutes, you can come in, and then the house will seem nice and warm. I'm telling the newspapers about you, Dad!
+19881221 Read me "Hamster Huey and the Gooey Kablooie." Oh, I don't want to read that again. Let's read something different tonight. No I want to hear "Hamster Huey and the Gooey Kablooie." C'mon Calvin, I've read this a thousand times. Read it again. Please? PLEASE? All right, all right. You'll do the squeky voices, the gooshy sound effects, and the happy hamster hop, won't you? Look, can't we read something else?
+19881222 MOMM! MOM! What is it? What's the matter? Do people grow from spores? SPORES?!? You wake me up at 2 am to ask if people grow from spores? Are you out of your mind?? Why are you even awake?! Go to sleep!! She didn't answer. She must not know. I'm telling you, it's true.
+19881223 I say it's a fallacy that kids need 12 years of school! Three months is plenty! Look at me. I'm smart! I don't need 11 1/2 more years of school! It's a complete waste of my time! How on earth did you get all the way to the bust stop with both feet through one pant leg? I fell down a lot. ...Why? What's your point? Nothing. I was just curious.
+19881224 How's my peanut butter sandwich coming? You're using chunky peanut butter, right? I won't eat smooth! Make it an open face sandwich too! Don't put any jelly on it or anything! And use some normal bread! I don't like those weird grain breads! Did you cut it diagonally? I like triangles better than rectangles, so be sure to cut it right! Your majesty's sandwich. HEY, this is a closed-face, horizontally cut, smooth peanut butter sandwich on weird bread with jelly! Weren't you LISTENING?!
+19881225 I'm leaving out a sandwich for Santa. That's nice. What do you think he'd like with that? Some milk? I think "Santa"would rather have a cold beer. DEAR! Psst! Wake up! It's Christmas! Are you sure? It's still dark out. It's four in the morning! Let's see if santa left our loot yet! Oh boy! We'll let Mom and Dad sleep another hour, but we can at least count all our packages. I get to plug in the tree lights! Ha ha! Look at all this booty! Let's see which ones are for me! Here's one for you. Strange that Santa would go to the trouble to wrap a box of coal. Har har. Here's one for Mom. Here's one for me...This one is for Dad... Hey, were are YOUR presents? Santa goofed up! Good thing tigers are naturally gifted to begin with. MOMM! DAAD! SANTA DIDN'T BRING HOBBES ANYTHING! Uh oh. think quick, Dear. It had better be a lot later than it feels like. Well, here's a present from ME anyway. Hope it fits. The best presents don't come in boxes. I'll treasure this one forever.
+19881226 There's nothing prettier than new fallen snow on a clear freezing moonlit night. ...through a window, that is.
+19881227 I can't take bath in this! The water's BOILING! I'll scald myself! What are you trying to do, cook me alive?? Well, forget it! I'm not getting in! By the time you quit fussing, complaining, yelling and screaming and actually take off your clothes and get it, the water will be perfect. Boy, does she know me.
+19881228 Every day I have to get up and go to school. Nothing ever changes. It's just school, school, school. But not today. Today, I go for the gusto. I think you should ask your Mom if it's OK.
+19881229 Boy, did I get into trouble at school today. Wow. What happened? I don't even want to talk about it. Did it have anything to do with all those sirens about noon? I SAID I didn't want to talk about it.
+19881230 Did you bring something for show and tell? You bet! I brought these charred rocks and ashes from my backyard. See? Dramatic proof that UFOs landed not a hundred feet from my house. Their retro rockets burned solid rock into this fragile grey dust cube! This is an old charcoal briquette. Even as we speak, aliens are undoubtedly infiltrating the highest levels of our government.
+19881231 Disgusting denizen of the deep, the giant octopus glides across the ocean floor. At the sigh of an enemy, he releases a cloud of ink and makes his getaway! MISS WORMWOOD!
+19890101 Well, it's a new year. And I'd say the first 10 hours haven't been up to snuff. Did you make any new year resolutions? You bet! I resolved to quit hiding my feelings so much! From now on, the world's gonna know exactly what I think of it! Yes, you've certainly been a model of self-restraint and understatement up until now. Well no more. And I've also resolved not to put up with sarcastic tigers. If I see any, I'll tell them.
+19890102 Shovel, shovel, shovel! Why can't we get a snow blower?? We must be the only family in the world that still shovels the driveway by hand! I'm freezing! It builds character. Keep at it. Pretty convenient how every time I build character, HE saves a couple of hundred dollars.
+19890103 Next time we go down, I get to steer the sled. You?! You steer like an old lady! Yeah, well, I'm sick of going over and through every obstacle on the hill. "Every obstacle"?!? We missed the briar patch, didn't we?! By going down the gully and into the stream, yes. Oh, you make everything sound so terrible. You should be glad we're alive.
+19890104 This is the finest snowball ever made! Painstakingly hand-crafted into a perfect sphere from a secret mixture of slush, ice, dirt, debris and fine powder snow. This IS the ultimate winter weapon. Yes, this marvel of crystalline engineering wi... WHAP!! Another casualty of the seduction of art.
+19890105 What do you think is the best way to get what you want? Is it better to hold fast and never back down, or to compromise? I suppose it's best to hold fast when you can, and compromise when you need to. That's a lot more mature than I think I care to be.
+19890106 I think the short attention span of television is great. As far as I'M concerned, if something is so complicated that you can't explain it in 10 seconds, then it's probably not worth knowing anyway. My time is valuable. I can't go thinking about one subject on end. I'm a busy man. ...who's been sitting here for three hours. ... at six thoughts a minute.
+19890107 There's something magical about having a fire. The crackles and snaps, the warm flickering light... everything always seems safe and cozy if you're sitting in front of a fire. And if you've got a hot tiger tummy to lie against, ... WELL!
+19890108 C'mon, we'd better go outside for a while. How come? Mom's getting that look. This will be the best snow fort ever built! OK, the main fortress will be a wall five feet high, and go from here down over that hill, with turrets every 50 feet. Over here we'll build an inner wall, in case we have to retreat, and a bin to hold our snow ball reserves. Got it. Hmm... the snow doesn't pack too well, does it? It's not wet enough. Gosh, it'll take forever just to build the outer wall... even without the turrets. I'm cold. Me, too. Let's go in. Maybe we can have some hot chocolate by a fire! This is more fun than actually building the fort anyway. Now where should we put the icicle spikes? All along the outer wall, after the moat. Say, I think you got more marshmallows in your hot chocolate than I did.
+19890109 The bay doors open and out falls Calvin, the C-Bomb! Calvin is bound to unleash the pure destructive force of a million A-Bombs! The world gasps in horror as he streaks towards his target! OH NO YOU DON'T!!
+19890110 Will you read this tonight? "An Ode To Tigers"? Hobbes wrote it. "The zebra's stripes are lacking hues, So they don't compare to you-know-whose."Orange, black and white is what to wear! It's haute couture for those who dare! It's camouflage, and stylish, too! Yes, tigers look the best, it's true!" This goes on? For pages. Pretty tedious, isn't it?
+19890111 I'M HO-OME! KAPOW WUMPH! Great. The snow cushioned the blow to my spine, so I can now die of pneumonia. Aww, has oo got de sniffoos?
+19890112 I like these cold, gray winter days. Days like these let you savor a bad mood.
+19890113 You try it and I'll watch. Sissy.
+19890114 Look, I put a snowball on top of this snowman's head. Now I'll be the next William Tell, and I'll hit the snowball clean off! Ouch. Ahhh! He flinched!
+19890115 Put 'er down here. You know, these things should really come with air bags. Ready? Ready. OFF WE GO-O! Ooh! Yikes! Wow! See? I TOLD you. Help me gather up the sled, you sissy.
+19890116 The fearless Spaceman Spiff finds himself on the planet closest to star X-351! An alien approaches... but in the blinding light, our here can hardly make it out! Is it friendly or hostile? What are you still doing in bed still? Get ready for school! Definitely hostile.
+19890117 The school bus will be here any minute! Go! Scoot! Spaceman Spiff, captured by vicious zogwards, is about to be transported to the labor camp! Our hero hatches a bold plan! At the last second, Spiff makes his break! Taking advantage of the planet's low gravity, our hero is away like a shot. There's the bus... but why don't I see Calvin?
+19890118 Spiff escapes! Did Calvin get on the bus? I didn't see. ... why? Someone just darted behind that tree. See, there he goes again. Isn't that Calvin? The zogwargs have spotted him! Our hero inflates the emergency jet pack he keeps in his pocket, and prepares for takeoff!
+19890119 Calvin, what are you doing? You're supposed to be on the school bus! Get over here! Our hero blasts off with his emergency jet pack! Another daring escape for the intrepid Spaceman Spiff! Zounds! The Zogwargs are on rocket scooters! Spiff fires his death ray blaster! It's your own grave you're digging, buster!
+19890120 Young man, you are in VERY big trouble! Why didn't you get on the school bus?! Now I'VE got to drive you, and your Dad will be late for work. You've inconvenienced everyone! What have you got to say for yourself?! Give me liberty or give me death, Zogwarg queen! Don't tempt me! And listen, you call me "Mom," ... got it?
+19890121 Hey, Calvin, how come you're late today? Why didn't you ride the bus? I was going to skip school, but I got caught. Really? How? Mom had the wind for that final sprint. Your Mom had to CHASE you? I couldn't believe it when she cleared the hedge.
+19890122 OK, let's see... if the wind is blowing north-northeast at 6mph, and I throw the snowball due west at 90 mph with a slight top spin ... Ha! Susie didn't even hear me sneak up. Now I'll cream her cranium with a barrage of snowballs! WHZZZ PUFF These darn crozz breezes! She didn't even notice! You're the worst shot in the world, Calvin! If it wasn't for gravity, you probably couldn't even hit the ground! SMACK! I did it! I did it! Just when it counted, I did it! Ha ha ha! Right in the kisser! Ha ha! Bad news, Mom. I promised my soul to the devil this afternoon. Oh? That recently?
+19890123 Yes, can I have the tool department, please? Thank you. Hello? How much are your power circular saws? I see. And your electric drills? Uh-huh. How big of a bit will that hold? Really? Great. So the assigment is pages two through four? OK, thanks Susie. ...Sorry about that. Do you carry acetylene torches? OK, ring it all up. This will be on Mastercard.
+19890124 Look at all this homework I'm supposed to do! I don't want to do this garbage! I want to play outside! Childhood is short and maturity is forever.
+19890125 People are rotten. When I grow up, I'm going to live a million miles away from everyone! How will you survive? What will you eat? ... Well, Mom could come by twice a day to cook, I suppose. That would be quite a commute.
+19890126 Get a load of THIS dumb assignment. I'm supposed to write about an adventure I had! I haven't had any adventures! My life has been a big bore from the beginning! Have I ever been abducted by pirates? Have I ever faced down a charging rhino? Have I ever been in a shoot-out, or on a bombing raid? No! I never get to have adventures! What about the time you backed the car through the garage door? You call that an adventure? I didn't even get on the the highway.
+19890127 When do you think we'll get a thunder and lightning storm? I don't kow. Probably not until spring. I think he's going to melt before we can bring him to life.
+19890128 Hey, Susie, stand on this "X". Why? No reason. Just do it. I dare you. No. Please? C'mon! Get lost. This may not work out as well as I thought.
+19890129 The valiant Spaceman Spiff is led by his captors to a secret dungeon to be debriefed! Little do they realize that our hero doesn't WEAR briefs! Eat your dinner, Calvin. Ugh. Poised precariously over a percolating pit of putrid pasta, Spaceman Spiff is held prisoner! Still won't talk, eh, Earthling? Our hero's mind races furiously! He's had his chance! Let's make him eat! LOOK BEHIND YOU!! Fool! The human scum escaped! Not for long, Zokbar-2! And tomorrow morning he'll have cold manicotti for breakfast!
+19890130 Wow, you've made a lot of snowmen today! Yep. They're efficies. Each one represents someone I hate. When the sun comes out, I'll watch their features slowly melt down their dripping bodies until they're nothing but noses and eyes floating in pools of water. I wasn't aware you even knew this many people. The ones I REALLY hate are small, so they'll go faster.
+19890131 I'm writing a book about my life. It's called, "Calvin: The Shocking True Story of the Boy Whose Exploits Panicked a Nation." Interesting title. Thanks. Specifically what exploits are you referring to? That's the problem. Can you help me think of some I could do?
+19890201 Hi Susie. Go away, Calvin! Sit somewhere else! I don't want to know what revolting thing you have for lunch today. Relax, Susie. I'm not going to tell you what I have. You'd better not. I mean it. All I'll say is that I sure feel sorry for my tapeworm. MISS WORMWOOD! Hey! Did I SAY what my lunch is?! Did I?!?
+19890202 What's this? A crash test dummy. Now I can see if the hill is safe to go down. Off you go! Ooh, I think I'm going to be sick. Well, I wouldn't have steered like THAT! He deserved it!
+19890203 Oh, no! The air pressure in this room is too high! Calvin's organs are in danger of collapsing! He... he's about to implode! We've got to get out of here! There's too much atmosphere! Sit still and behave. We can't eat at fast food places all the time.
+19890204 These television programs sure are rotten. There isn't an ounce of imagination in the whole bunch. What bilge. Who do they think is stupid enough to sit and watch this trash? You. If there was anything BETTER on, I'd watch THAT.
+19890205 No text.
+19890206 You're taking a shower NOW? That means we're going out tonight, right? And you haven't told ME to get cleaned up, so that means I'm staying home, right? And if I'm staying home, that means you've gotten me a babysitter, right? And that means you've probably hired ROSALYN again, right?!? Brilliant, Holmes. AAAHHHHHH!
+19890207 Quick, Hobbes! We've got to hide! Mom and Dad got ROSALYN for our baby sitter again! And you know what THAT means! It usually means we're in bed by 6:30. Right! No TV, no horsing around, NOTHING! She just walks in and sends us straight to bed! And then she doesn't even kiss us good nigh. Eww, gross. You WANT her to?!?
+19890208 Where are you going tonight? Why can't Hobbes and I come? Why do we have to have a babysitter? We're going to dinner and a movie just to have some time to ourselves, OK? But we could come! Hobbes promises not to kill anyone! We'd be good! Really! Why won't you let us come? Why don't you want us around? Is the movie dirty? What's the problem?! Gosh, a dinner with real pauses in the conversation! Can you imagine?
+19890209 Hi Rosalyn, come on in. Calvin's hiding upstairs from you, so you may have an easy evening. That would be great. I've got to study tonight for a big test tomorrow. Did you hear THAT? Did you hear THAT? Hee hee! Tonight: the revenge of the baby sat!
+19890210 Hi Rosalyn! How are you? What are you going? Homework? Right. I've got to study for an exam tomorrow, so I want it quiet tonight. Got it? Oh, you bet, Roz. Hobbes and I won't make a peep. Can I see what you're studying? Don't touch anyth... I GOT HER NOTES! I GOT HER NOTES! RUN, HOBBES, RUN!! CALVIN!
+19890211 GIVE ME BACK MY NOTES, YOU LITTLE CREEP! Run! Run! What are we going to do? She'll kill us! Into the bathroom! Lock the door! Quick! CALVIN! Open this door, or your parents will never find your remains! Boy, some baby sitter! Here go your notes!
+19890212 Hold still. Now boost! Lift! C'mon! Mph! Get your hand out of my eye! OK, forward! On the way back, you're carrying ME. Hey, I got some mail. It's a valentine card. From Susie Derkins! It says, "Please be my valentine." You're Susie's valentine! I'm not her valentine just because I got this in the mail, am I? Does the post-master general know about this? Calvin and Susie sitting in a tree-ee! Kay-Eye-Ess-Ess-Eye-En-Gee! I don't have to KISS her, do I?! Is that what valentines do??! Oh, gross! First comes Lo-ove, Then comes marriage, Then comes a baby in a baby carriage! This can't be happening! I need a lawyer! She can't make me be her valentine! Here she comes! Here comes Susie! Hi, Calvin. Get away from me! I'm not your valentine! Take your card back! Eww! Girls! Yecchh! That card wasn't for YOU, you moron. Didn't you read the back of the envelope? The back? "Calvin, please give this to Hobbes." HOBBES?! Me? Really? Hot dog! Smooch city, here I come!
+19890213 Calvin, you've got two seconds to unlock this door and give me back my science notes! You know, Rosalyn, I'd suggest you adopt a more humble attitude. You wouldn't want anything to HAPPEN to these notes, would you? YOU SCUMMY LITTLE TROLL! When your parents get home, I'll... FLUSH AUGH! There's ONE page!
+19890214 You'd better not have really flushed any of my notes! I've got a big test tomorrow! Well then, with that at stake, our demands should seem very reasonable! DEMANDS?! You don't get any demands! Unlock this door! Boy, you'd think a high school senior would catch on quicker. We should write the school board. Torpedo tube ready, Cap'n!
+19890215 I sure hope you memorized this page already, because you're never going to see it again! NO! Don't flush it! Tell me what your stupid demands are. That's more like it! OK, first we want to stay up until my parents drive in. Second, we want you to go pick up a pizza and rent us a video player... YOU'RE OUT OF YOUR MIND! Third... are you writing these down?
+19890216 I don't hear her out there any more. Rosalyn?? Are you listening? We have more demands! Do you think she went away? Why would she? We've still got her science notes. Doesn't she want them any more? What's she doing? Maybe she's calling the fire department to ax open the door. Really? You think so? Gosh, that'd be GREAT! Real firemen with real axes! I hope they drive their biggest fire truck! I hope your parents are having a restful evening.
+19890217 Rosalyn? Are you out here? Are you calling the fire departme... GOTCHA! OH NO! I didn't really flush your notes! They're all there! Go look! Please don't kill me! Phooey. Well, it's 7:00. We got to stay up half-hour later than usual.
+19890218 Rosalyn? We're home. Hi Rosalyn. Did you have a quiet evening? Did you get your studying done? ... no, huh? I'm sorry, but tonight is really going to cost you. You're SURE no one else in this town will agree to baby-sit Calvin? Maybe YOU would like to spend a week on the phone!
+19890219 What's this? A Calvin decoy. Pretty good, huh? Now I can find out who my enemies are! I'll hide behind that tree over there and watch to see who throws snowballs at the decoy, thinking it's me! Your enemies must not be very bright. That's why they're out to get me. They can't stand my genius. Hey, Calvin! I see a way your plan might fail. Pipe down, will ya? How can I hide when you're yelling to me from across ... SMACK! See there? My plan to discover my enemies was a complete success. Too bad you took off your coat and hat. You must be soaked.
+19890220 Here we are, poised on the precipice of "suicide slope". Below us lie the skeletal remains of hundreds of little sled riders. Searching for that ultimate adrenalin rush, we prepare to hurl ourselves over the bring! What fate awaits us? Ready? No. Life and death hang in the balance! A fraction of a second and one wrong turn are all that separate them! This isn't helping.
+19890221 Dad says the anitipationo of having something is often more fun than actually having it. I think he's crazy. I hate waiting for things. I like to have everything immediately. I can't think of ANYthing I'd rather anticipate than have right away. Can you? Death comes to mind. I don't know why I bother trying to have a little discussion with you when you're always so morbid.
+19890222 I wish snow was dry, so that you didn't get all cold and wet when you played in it. ...then again, if snow was dry, you couldn't pack it into snowballs. That wouldn't be good. I wish it snowed in summer. Wouldn't that be fun? ... Well no, actually that would make it hard to run when you play baseball. Heck, it's OK just the way it is. We're glad you approve.
+19890223 You can always tell when you get to OUR house.
+19890224 I think our snow forts are too far apart.
+19890225 Now let's see if Mom jumps out of HER skin.
+19890226 CLUMP The pteranodon spreads his giant wings, and...
+19890227 Look at this, Hobbes! I could order an official Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs Beanie! See, It has a battery powered propeller on top and a big star on the front! Isn't that neat? You have to send in four box "Proof of Purchase Seals" to get it, it says. Well, don't just stand there, or this will take forever. Ugh. This stuff always makes my heart skip.
+19890228 Blechh, I feel sick. Oh, c'mon, that's only your second bowl of cereal. This stuff is pure sugar. But it's FORTIFIED with eight essential vitamins, so it's good for you. Give me a break. This is like eating a bowl of milk duds. Look, it says right on the box, "part of a wholesome, nutritious, balanced breakfast." And they show a guy eating five grapefruits, a dozen bran muffins... You know why you shake like that? Vitamin deficiency, I'll bet.
+19890301 Morning, Dad! How's your breakfast? Fine. Oatmeal, huh? A bowl of pasty, bland, colorless sludge. Yes. Why don't you go describe your OWN food somewhere else? I'll bet you'd rather have a bowl of tasty, up-smacking, crunchy-on-the-outside, chewy-on-the-inside, chocolate forsted sugar bobms! Can I pour you some? No, thanks. I'm trying to reach middle age. What are YOU having, Mom? Boring old toast and tea? YOU want the beanie, YOU eat the cereal, Calvin.
+19890302 1 1/2 boxes to go, and I'll have enough "Proof of purchases seals" to order the propeller beanie they offer. 1 1/3 boxes to go. Man, I'm EARNING this.
+19890303 Hobbes, I did it! I ate enough boxes of cereal to get all the proof of purchases seals I need! Now I can order my beanie! Oh, boy! I can't wait to get it! I'll be so cool! Not for over a month. It says to allow six weeks for delivery. SIX WEEKS?!? I'll be OLD then! And I'm sure your beanie will be the talk of the rest home.
+19890304 Mom! Mom! Did my beanie come in the mail? Are you kidding? I just mailed your order this morning. I'm never going to make it six weeks,
+19890305 I can never enjoy sundays, because in the back of my mind, I always know I've got to go to school the next day. It's like trying to enjoy your last meal before the execution. A penny for your thoughts. Sorry, MY thoughts are a buck a piece. A DOLLAR?! That's outrageous. Your thoughts aren't worth that! This one is. At a dollar, it's the bargain of a lifetime. I wouldn't pay a nickle for any thought you've ever had in your whole flea-ridden existence! That little remary just made the price ten dollars! TEN?? You can't extort me! Keep your stupid though! If you knew what it was, you'd BEG to pay ten bucks for it. C'mon, just tell me what it is, will you? Nothing doing, pal. OK, OK. I'll give you 25 cents. That's all I have. Let's see it. Here! 25 cent! Now what's this big, expensive thought of yours?! A fool and his money are soon par..."
+19890306 Gosh, I can't wait to get my beanie! I hop it comes soon. Do you think it will? It's probably been almost six weeks by NOW, don't you think. I ordered the red beanie. But what if it's not in stock? Should I take the blue one, or wait for them to reorder? A blue one would be OK, I guess, but I sure hope they have a red one. I've always wanted a beanie like this, with a propeller. Boy, it'll be so cool when I have it. I can't wait. Wow! A red beanie! ... or a blue one. Do you think it will come tomorrow? Do you? It had sure better. Yeah, that's how I feel, too.
+19890307 How was school today? Oh, it was a blast! ... Did my beanie come today?
+19890308 Please let my beanie come today! I promise I won't ever be bad again! I'll do whatever you want! Please, please, please! I'll never ask another favor if today's the day I get my beanie! Did I get my beanie? Nope. WHAT'S IT TAKE, HUH?
+19890309 I can't believe this. Every day I get all my hopes up, thinking my beanie will come... and then it doesn't. And for each day that goes by, I figure the odds are better that it will come the NEXT day, so my hopes get higher and higher before they fall. It's awful. But I've been disappointed so often now, I'm finally getting numb to it. Maybe the mailman made a second trip today and delivered it in the last five minutes. Wow! I never thought of that! C'mon! He's not numb.
+19890310 The longer you wait for the mail, the less there is in it.
+19890311 I'm home. I didn't get my propeller beanie today, did I? As a matter of fact, you did! IT'S HERE! Ha ha! It took weeks and weeks of waiting, but at long last it's finally here! Now I finally, finally get to put it on. "Some assembly required. Batteries not included.
+19890312 Tigers don't worry about much, do they? Nope. That's one of the perks of being feral. I'm not having enough fun right now. You're not? I'm just having a LITTLE bit of fun. I should be having LOTS of fun. It's Sunday. I've just got a few precious hours of freedom left before I have to go to school tomorrow. Between now and bedtime, I have to squeeze all the fun possible out of every minute! I don't want to waste a second of liberty! Each moment I should be able to say, "I'm having the time of my life right now!" But here I am and I'm NOT having the time of my life! Valuable minutes are disappearing forever, even as we speak! We've got to have MORE fun! C'mon! I didn't realize fun was so much work. Sure! When you're SERIOUS about having fun, it's not much fun at all!
+19890313 Can you believe this? I've got to assemble the beanie propeller and motor myself! What do they think I am, an engineer? Look, I've got to insert these wires and this plastic switch! I can't do this! Here, let me try. No! Get away! I'LL do it! You'd probably goof it all up, or... #snap* OH NO! See? Insult a tiger and you get bad luck! Every time!
+19890314 MY MOTOR BROKE! THE PIECE SNAPPED! NOW MY BEANIE PROPELLOR WON'T WORK!! AAGHHGHHH! I waited WEEKS for this and now it's BROKEN, and I didn't even get to WEAT it! STUPID ROTTEN PIECES OF LOUSY JUNK!! It's all YOUR fault! RRGHHGHHGH! MY fault?! I was just sitting here. YOU broke it! You WILLED me to break it! You did some subliminal thing! Don't deny it! I know you did! You MUST have! OK, NOW I'm willing you to go jump in the septic tank.
+19890315 What are you mad at ME for?! Get away from me! I don't even want to talk to you! YOU broke your beanie motor, not ME! I didn't do anything! You distracted me! I did not! I was just SITTING here! You broke it all by yourself! *sniff* *sniffle* ... all right... I know... But considering that my life's in shambles right now, could you at least take the blame?
+19890316 Dad, can you fix my beanie? I broke the propellor motor trying to put the pieces together. Well, let's see. This isn't too bad. You just snapped the battery case. I'll just glue it together and insert the switch for you, OK? There! Good as new! Now just let this sit awhile so the glue can set. You did it! You fixed it! I can't believe it! HEY, MOM! Dad fixed something! He DID?? Your DAD?? ALL RIGHT! THAT'S ENOUGH!
+19890317 Look, Hobbes! Dad fixed my beanie! Well? How's it look? Adjectives fail me. I'm turning it on. Ready? Here goes. I don't seem to be lifting off. This is very peculiar. THAT's the word I was looking for.
+19890318 I'm not flying! This beanie doesn't make me fly! What's the point of a propeller beanie if you can't even fly when you wear it? What a rip-off! I ate all that cereal, waited weeks and weeks to get the beanie, assembled it myself, and the dumb thing doesn't even fly! At least it's not a TOTAL loss. It came in this great cardboard box. Oh, boy! NOW we'll have some fun!
+19890319 Sighhhhh WHAP sighhhhhh....
+19890320 C'mon, Calvin! This is the third time I've called you to get up. I don't want to get up. I don't want to go to school. Well, you HAVE to, whether you want to or not, so let's move. For your information, I don't HAVE to do anything I don't WANT to do. Is that so? She sure can make someone want to do something.
+19890321 I don't want to catch the bus. I don't want to go to school. I don't want to be here at all. I'm sick of everyone telling me what to do all the time! I hate my life! I hate everything! I wish I was DEAD! ... well, no, I don't. Not really. I wish everyone ELSE was dead.
+19890322 Hi Calvin. HMPH. Oh, YOU'RE real pleasant this morning. What's the matter with you? Go step in front of a cement mixer, OK? What a pill you are! What a jerk! Well, who needs YOU?! You can stand there and be grumpy all by yourself! HMPH. Nothing helps a bad mood like spreading it around.
+19890323 What are you so mad about anyway? Couldn't you find all the bugs you needed for your insect collection? Huh? Hey, where IS your insect collection? It's due today. I FORGOT MY INSECT COLLECTION! OH NO!! Quick! Go home and get it! Maybe you can make it back before the school bus comes! Hurry! Run! No, that's not what I meant. Help me find some ants. You forgot it ENTIRELY??
+19890324 Don't just stand there, Susie! Help me catch bugs! Are you crazy?! We were supposed to be working on our insect collections all this month! You can't do the whole thing on the last morning while you wait for the bus! How could you have possibly forgotten it, anyway? It's all the class has been doing! Where have you been?? Don't you pay attention?! Don't you care about getting a good education?! If any bugs fly in your open mouth, can I have them?
+19890325 Here comes the bus, Calvin. It's hopeless. There's a bug! You're wasting your time! The teacher is going to know you didn't spend any time on this insect collection. Stall the bus driver. We're supposed to have 50 insects. You'll be lucky to have ANY! GOT IT! Can you tell me what kind it is? Scrape it off. Get away from me!
+19890326 Get up, Calvin! I'm not going to call you again! I bet. You're going to miss the bus! Now get out of bed! You don't know the answer? Then sit down. Hey, Twinky, want to see if there's an afterlife? No, you can't go play until you finish your homework. Just eat your food. You don't need to play with it. Stop stalling and get into the bathtub. No, you can't stay up a little longer. Go to bed. Have a good night's sleep. Tomorrow's another big! ... sighhhhhhh...
+19890327 Phooey. No bugs in the bus window. I can't believe you're doing this. Hey, ask that kid if he's got any bugs in HIS window. Calvin, there's no way you're going to complete an insect collection on the way to school! Forget it! Sighhh... well, maybe you're right. How much do you want for YOUR collection? I'll give you a quarter... or here, 30 centrs. I SPENT A MONTH ON THIS!
+19890328 Hey, here's a worm! Worms are bugs, aren't they? Eww gross, Calvin! That's been floating in a puddle for days. Class doesn't start for 10 minutes. If I can catch 5 bugs a minute, I'll get an "A"on my collection. See, I'm off to a good start. Five bugs a minute?! You're out of your mind. Here's another already. That's a little ball of lint! Like I'm sure the teacher's going to look REAL CLOSE at every hairy bug in the 30 kids' collections!
+19890329 RINNGGGG There's the bell. We've got to go to class. Rats. I didn't get 50 bugs yet. What do you have? One drowned worm, a piece of fuzzy lint that LOOKS like a bug, a live ant, and a smashed fly. Well, if you label them scientifically in the next 30 seconds, maybe you'll get an "F+". We've got to LABEL these TOO?!? I was just going to put them all in an envelope. Actually, I don't think there's any way you'll get an "F+". For all this work, I'd better at least get a "D".
+19890330 How did you mount your insects, Susie? In this box with pins. Hmm... I don't have a box or pins. I guess I'll just stick my bugs on notebook paper. Oops. Tape doesn't work too well. Gross. I hope I can get him back together. Can I borrow your paste? The way you're going, maybe you'd prefer a stapler.
+19890331 Psst... Susie! Help me think up scientific name of my bugs while the teacher's not looking. Shhh! We're not supposed to talk in class. Do it yourself. Having a pleasant conversation, Miss Derkins? Perhaps you'd like to sit up front, so you won't distract Calvin any more? Oh, I TRIED to get her to be quiet, but you know how girls are.
+19890401 Ooooh, that rotten Calvin! I hate him! I hate him! HE'S the one who didn't do his assignment! HE'S the one who was talking in class! HE'S the one who should be sitting here at the front of the room, not ME! I wasn't doing anything wrong, but I'M the one who got in trouble! I sure hope Calvin feels terrible about this! Hey Susie, How's the view way up there? Ha! Ha! Calvin P.S. Try to steal a chalkboard eraser for me.
+19890402 Three... two... one... LIGHT SPEED! Blasting across the galaxy in hyper light drive, it's Spaceman Spiff, interplanetary explorer extraordin... Since Calvin seems to be enjoying the lesson, let's have him demonstrate the next problem. ZOONDS! A Zok death sloop appears out of nowhere and fries Spiff's stabilizers! Our hero hurls out of control towar his imminent doom! The situation is desperate! This could be the end! What can our hero do?? His mind racing furiously, Spiff springs into action! He downshifts his spacecraft and ... stalls. RINGG! Oh, darn, out of time. Once again Spaceman Spiff beats all odds to save the day!
+19890403 Psst... here! Hey Susie, Roses are red, A deep crimson hue, When you got in trouble, You sure were too! Ha! Ha! Calvin. Calvin, you dirty, rotten, lousy, stinking, nasty piece of moldy scum!!! Drop dead! I hope you... Writing notes in class now, are we, Susie? Hey, look! She's turning red again! EEP!
+19890404 Oh, no. How can this be happening? I've been sent to see the PRINCIPAL! This is all CALVIN'S fault! He's the one who got me in all this trouble! I'm so scared! What am I going to do?? I think they make the hall to the Principal's office this big on purpose.
+19890405 Wow, Susie got sent to the Principal's office! She's in trouble NOW, all right! *wheww* I sure was lucky the teacher blamed Susie for everything. What a break! Oh, no! What if Susie rats on me!? Suppose they make her sing! Suppose she squeals! Suppose she fingers me! Oh, I'm so relieved. I was afraid you wouldn't believe me. Oh, yes, we've got quite a file on our friend Calvin.
+19890406 Here comes Susie, back from the Principal's office. Boy, does she look plae. I wonder what happened. She's talking to the teacher now. Psst! Susie, what did they do to you? Did you get expelled? You didn't snitch on ME, did you? You DID snitch! You're a STOOLIE! A canary! You're going up the river, Calvin. Calvin, will you come here, please?
+19890407 So FIRST I got in trouble for not paying attentioni n class and for turning in a last-minute insect collection, which I got a "D-minus" on. THEN I got in trouble for getting SUSIE in trouble when I wanted her to help me fudge the project. THEN I got in trouble when I told Mom, and THEN I got in trouble AGAIn when SHE told DAD! I've been in hot water ever since I got up! Wow. I'll bet this makes you get your book report finished right on time. My what?
+19890408 One of nature's most peculiar-looking creatures, the giraffe is uniquely suited to its environment. His tremendous height enables him to much on the most succulent morsels most difficult to reach.
+19890409 Whenever I need to do some serious thinking, I go for a walk in the woods. There are always a million distractions out here. I don't believe in ethics any more. As far as I'm concerned, the ends justify the means. Get what you can while the getting's good - that's what I say! Might makes right! The winners write the history books! It's a dog-eat-dog world, so I'll do whatever I have to, and let others argue about whether it's "right"or not. HEYY! WHY'D YOU DO THAT?!? You were in my way. Now you're not. The ends justify the means. I didn't mean for EVERYONE, you dolt! Just ME! Ahh...
+19890410 GOTCHA!! HEY! Just what do you think you're doing back down HERE?! You didn't read me my rights.
+19890411 Dad! Dad! Outer space aliens just landed in the back yard! Oh, reall. What do they look like? Sort of like big baked potatoes with laser guns. I think we should do what they say. Did they say what they want? Yeah, they want 10 dollars. I'll bet they do. Since you're so busy, you can give the money to me, and I'll take it over to them.
+19890412 No text.
+19890413 How come YOU always read me my bedtime stories and not Mom? Because reading the bedtime story is the Dad's job. And it appears to be the ONLY "Dad's job" around here! Left the dishes for Mom again, huh? Tonight's story is called, "Why Prince Charming Stayed Single." Prince WHAT?
+19890414 I've been thinking. Suppose I grow up to be one of the world's greatest men of all time. Suppose my name will be an inspiration to humanity for eons to come! What will the history books say? They'll say, "Much of his childhood was spent unwillingly in the bathtub."What an indignity this bath is! Is this situation worthy of one of the greatest men of all time?!? My likely historical significance is a terrible burden. Would you rather they said your childhood was dirty and smelly?
+19890415 NNNGKGKK HOCCHHHH PTOOEY! Boy, they sure go farther when you make 'em right! Let's make up a NEW contest, OK?
+19890416 I'M HOME! YAHHHH SLAM! What a chump! KNOCK KNOCK Forget it, you moron! I'm not opening the door! You can just stay out there all night! Oh, I can't WAIT to here THIS one explained.
+19890417 HIC HIC HIC (hic) I have (hic) have (hic) I (hic) I have the (hic) the (hic) ... the hic (hic) the (hic) What is it? What do you have? A dollar?? A new comic book? What?? The (hic hic) I have (hic) the (hic) the hic (hic) the (hic) ... I love doing this.
+19890418 Help me (hic) get (hic) rid of (hic) these darn (hic) hic (hic) hiccups! How? (hic) Scare me. OK... Our oceans are filled with garbage, we've created a hole in the ozone that's frying the planet, nuclear waste is piling up without any safe way to get rid of it... (hic) I mean, SURPRISE me (hic). That doesn't?! Boy, you're cynical.
+19890419 Here. Drinking from the far side of the glass is supposed to cure hiccups. The (hic) far side of (hic) the glass? (hic) How do I (hic) do THAT? You have to bend your head way over. Oh (hic) I see. (hic) Thanks. Now I've got the hiccups AND water up my nose. I think most hiccup cures were really invented for the amusement of the patient's friends.
+19890420 These (hic) hiccups are driving me (hic) crazy. Eat a spoonful of sugar. That's supposed to help. I'll (hic) try anything. CRUNCH SMACK SMACK Well? Are you cured? (hic) Nope. I'd better (hic) eat some more.
+19890421 My hiccups are gone! They finally went away all by themselves! What a relief! AAUGHH! Did I scare you? Did I cure your hiccups? hic hic hic hic hic
+19890422 Look, Calvin, I brought home some jelly doughnuts. Would you like one? No, jelly doughnuts gross me out. They're like eating giant squishy bugs. You bit into them and all their purple guts spill out the other end. You can eat them. My friends ask me how I stay thin.
+19890423 I can't sleep. I think nighttime is dark so you can imagine your fears with less distraction. At nighttime, the world always seem so big and scary, and I always seem so small. I wish I could fall asleep, so it would be morning. Sighhhh... Look at Hobbes. HE'S asleep. Z. Heh heh... he sure looks funny when he sleeps. Tigers close their eyes so tight. I wonder what he's dreaming about. Good ol' Hobbes. What a friend. Z. Things are never quite as scary when you've got a best friend. Z Z Z Z
+19890424 Come ON. Calvin! We were supposed to have left a half-hour ago. WHERE are we going? For the hundredth time, we're going to a wedding. Now get in the car. Your Dad's waiting. But what if I forgot something? We're only going overnight. You'll get by.
+19890425 Turn around! We forgot Hobbes! Stop the car! We can't turn around, Calvin. We're late already. But DA-AD!! You could've been ready on time and had all your things together, but you put up a fuss about going, made us late, and you forgot your tiger. It's your own fault. You'd turn around if we'd forgotten MOM! That's because she's the only one who knows where the place is. Har har.
+19890426 When is this dumb wedding going to be over?! I don't even KNOW these people. This would be a lot more fun if Hobbes was here. I can't believe we left him at home. I hope he's OK. What's he going to eat? We didn't leave any food out, and we'll be gone almost two whole days! Hobbes will be starving! I think I'll let Dad go into the house first.
+19890427 Hey, Mom, how do you make a long-distance call from our motel room? Don't play with the phone, Calvin. Who on earth do you want to call? Hobbes. I want to make sure he's OK. Hobbes isn't going to answer the phone. Don't be silly. You'll see him tomorrow. But he's probably all lonely! I'm sure he's having a good time. I hope he isn't renting some movie that I wanted to see.
+19890428 Mom, I can't sleep. I'm sure you can if you just lie quietly. But Hobbes isn't here. Tigers are very comforting. I always fall right asleep when I listen to Hobbes breathing. Well, you can listen to your Dad snoring. That's Dad? I thought theose were trucks down-shifting on the highway.
+19890429 Well, we're finally home! HOORAYY! Now I get to see Hobbes! Boy, I didn't think we'd EVER get home. The whole trip was one long complaint about leaving Hobbes behind. Next time we should take the tiger and forget the kid. Gosh, it's drafty in here... The window's smashed! Look at the glass! SOMEBODY BROKE IN!! HOBBES! FIND HOBBES!
+19890430 True friends are hard to come by. I need more money. I wish people were more like animals. Animals don't try to change you or make you fit in. They just enjoy the pleasure of your company. Animals aren't conditional about friendships. Animals like you just the way you are. They listen to your problems, they comfort you when you're sad, and all they ask in return is a little kindness. WHOOONK! *SOB* It's so... so TRUE! HOOOOT! THBPBTPTH! ... and speaking of "a little kindness", I'd have a tuna fish sandwich any time soon that you happen to make one. Of course, SOME animals get on your nerves once in a while.
+19890501 Oh my gosh!! Somebody broke into our house!! I'll call the police! WHERE'S HOBBES? I can't believe this is happening! Look at this room! HOBBES! Oh, I KNEW we shouldn't have left him here! Mom, I can't find Hobbes! Help me find him! What if... what if they... It's OK, Calvin. Calm down. I'm sure Hobbes is here somewhere. I don't think anyone would steal a suffed tiger. C'mon, let's go look. But Hobbes is so TRUSTING... sniff
+19890502 The police say they'll send someone over. Have you figured out what all is missing? No, we're looking for Hobbes. Calvin's almost hysterical. I feel a little hysterical myself. Ooh... I hope the police get here quick. I'm scared. This is one of those things you always figure will happen to someone else. ... Unfortunately, we're ALL "someone else" to someone else.
+19890503 Hobbes? Hobbes? Where are you?? I TOLD Mom and Dad we left Hobbes behind... I TRIED to get them to turn around and come back... and NOW look, Hobbes was all alone when our house was broken into! Mom says Hobbes wouldn't have been stolen because he's not valuable. ...(sniff) Well, I think he's valuable.
+19890504 Hobbes? Are you down there? You've got to be SOMEwhere! HERE HE IS, CALVIN! I FOUND HOBBES! You FOUND him! Is he OK?? He's not hurt, is he? He's fine. He was under the bed covers. Hobbes, I'm so glad to see you!! You're safe and sound! (sniff) And now, I am too! It looks like we're a whole family again. Such as it is, yes.
+19890505 ... and the television's gone, too. Do you happen to have the serial number? I'll bet the burglars got scared off when they saw there was a tiger in the house! Hobbes was here the whole time! Calvin, not now, OK? I'm busy. Nobody sticks around long when he sees a tiger, that's for sure! Mandibles of death, that's what Hobbes has! Roght. Why don't you go tell your Mom? Maybe Hobbes should look at some mug shots. Can we go to the station and identify suspects? Huh, can we? DEAR! I sure meet some weirdos in this job.
+19890506 I've swept up most of the glass from the window. OK, I'll get something to cover up the hole. Do you think it's safe to stay here tonight? Suppose the burglars come back! The police said they'd drive by, and we'll leave lots of lights on. Ugh, its so creepy knowing these goons have been in our house. I don't feel safe at all. I known. And this must REALLY be scary for a little kid like Calvin. Gosh, I can't wait to tell everyone at school how our house got robbed. Be sure to say who scared the burglars away after they took the TV and jewelry.
+19890507 Mild-mannered Calvin is stuck inside doing math problems on a beautiful Sunday. No one is watching! He dashes into his closet! THIS is a job for .... STUPENDOUS MAN! Defender of freedom! Advocate of liberty! A bright crimson streak blasts up through the atmosphere and then turns back toward Earth! Gaining stupendous momentum, STUPENDOUS MAN strikes the ground at an acute angle with stupendous force! The Earth slowly stops rotating... and begins to turn in the opposite direction! Pushing with all his might, STUPENDOUS MAN turns the planet all the way around backwards! The sun sets in the east and rises in the west! Soon it's 10A.M. the previous day! What are you doing outside? Did you finish your homework already? It's Saturday! I don't need to do it until tomorrow... thanks to STUPENDOUS MAN!
+19890508 Is Calvin asleep? Yes, he's snuggled up with Hobbes. Boy, I don't know how I'M ever going to sleep. Me neither. I can't get over what's happened. The idea of some crazy stranger going through our house... BRRRR!! I wish I had a big stuffed animal to feel safe with. I guess you'll have to do. So what do I get to snuggle? How come I'M the grown-up??
+19890509 This is going to be a long night. My heart jumps at the slightest sound. It's almost 2, and I'm wide awake. When someone breaks into your home, it shatters your last illusion of security. If you're not safe in your own home, you're not safe anywhere. A man's home is his castle, but it shouldn't have to be a fortress.
+19890510 Are you still awake too? Mm-hmm. I was thinking. It's funny... when I was a kid, I thought grown-ups never worried about anything. I trusted my parents to take care of everything, and it never occurred to me that they might not know how. I figured that once you grew up, you automatically knew what to do in any given scenario. I don't think I'd have been in such a hurry to reach adulthood if I'd known the whole thing was going to be ad-libbed.
+19890511 Well, at least we weren't in our home when our house was broken into. No one was hurt. We're all together and OK. We lost a few of our nice things, but things don't matter much really. It's hard to believe how often we forget that.
+19890512 Can I be excused now? You didn't finish your dinner. Well, I didn't like it very much, and there's this TV show I want to watch, so... Our TV was stolen, remember? Gosh, I guess I'll eat my asparagus, do my homework, and go straight to bed, then. And we're so proud of how you handle adversity.
+19890513 This is where our television used to be. But we don't have a TV any more. Now we have a blank wall to watch. So here I am, not being entertained. A pointless existence, huh? I mean, the wall is even plain old WHITE!
+19890514 Dear Mom, How do I love you? Let me count the ways. One... number one... hmm... nummmber one... mm... Hey Mom, wake up! I made you a Mother's Day card! Why, how sweet of you! I did it all by myself. Go ahead and read it! I was going to buy a card with hearts of pink and red, But then I thought I'd rather spend the money on me, instead. It's awfully hard to buy things when one's allowance is so small... Ahem... ... so I guess you're pretty lucky I got you anything at all." "Happy Mother's Day to you. There, I said it. Now I'm done. So how 'bout getting out of bed, and cooking breakfast for your son?" I'm deeply moved. Did you notice the part about my allowance?
+19890515 Good news, Hobbes! I'm starting a secret club, and you can be in it! Oh, boy! It'll be great! We'll think of secret names for ourselves, secret codes for our secret correspondence, a secret handshake,... We'll have a secret club-house with a secret known to get in, and we'll do big secretive things! Why all the secrecy? People pay more attention to you when they think you're up to something.
+19890516 OK, the first thing we need is a name for our secret club. Let's call it "The Hobbes Fan Club"! THE HOBBES FAN CLUB?! GIVE ME A BREAK! I'M SURE! This is a top-secret society! The name should be something mysterious! Something vaguely ominous and chilling! Something like "The Sinister Icy Black Hand of Death Club"! I still like my idea better.
+19890517 I got it! We'll call our club G.R.O.S.S. - Get Rid Of Slimy girlS! That way, Susie Derkins can't join! Is she slimy? ALL girls are slimy. Now the first order of business is to elect officers. I get to be president! I get to be president! Oh, no you don't! This whole club was my idea, so I get to be president. OK, then I get to be king and tyrant. Hey, no! THAT'S what I want to be! You can be President.
+19890518 Hi, Calvin! What are you doing, making paper hats? Can I make one, too? Don't be ridiculous. This is the official chapeau of our top-secret club, G.R.O.S.S. - Get Rid Of Slimy girlS! "Slimy girls"?! I know that's redundant, but otherwise it doesn't spell anything. Now go away. GIRLS AREN'T SLIMY! Don't get gunk on me. I took bath last Saturday and I'm all clean.
+19890519 I can't believe you started a secret club just to exclude girls! There's nothing wrong with girls! See, Hobbes? Girls are so emotional. You're the meanest, most rotten little kid I know! Well, fine! Play with your stuffed tiger! See what I care! I don't want to play with a stinker like you anyway!! Wow, what a great club!
+19890520 OK, we've got a sign for our secret club, so now we need to find a secret meeting place. I know! We can set up a card table in the garage! That would be perfect for drawing up maps and stuff! Hmm, there's not much room with the car here. Let's push it into the drive. Shouldn't you ask your Mom to move it instead? Nahh. She won't care if we push it out. C'mon. In the past, you've been a remarkably poor judge of what your Mom cares about.
+19890521 BLIPP SPLOPP BLOOP BLIPP Let's face it, we're aesthetes. Here comes Susie. Just ignore her. Hi, Calvin. Can I play with you and your tiger? Hobbes and I are NOT playing. We're doing big important things, and we don't need to mess them up. It doesn't look to ME like you're doing anything important. Well we are, so go away. We've wasted too much time talking to you already. You're just playing in the mud! That's just what it LOOKS like to ignorant girls like you! Get lost! All right, you little creep! I don't need you! I've got better things to do than sit in the mud like a pig! A PIG?! By golly, I'll show YOU! Don't bend over! Your curly pink tail shows! Oink! Oink! Oink! Oink! EAT SOME MUD, SUSIE! Ha ha! You missed! Oink! Oink! Oink! Ahh, spring! THat magical time of the year when a young man's fancy turns to love! Shut up.
+19890522 Help me push the car out of the garage. I can't budge it myself. I still think you should ask your Mom to move it. Then she'd probably say no, and we won't have the garage for our clubhouse! But if you DON'T ask her, we'll get in trouble. We won't get in trouble! Every time you say that, we go. Mom wouldn't care about these things if she wouldn't keep finding out about them.
+19890523 Look, stop being such a baby and help me push the car into the driveway. We'll move it 10 feet. What could possibly go wrong?! Whenever you ask that, my tail gets all bushy. Oh, knock it off. Mom will be glad we did this ourselves and didn't bother her. Well, she DOES hate to be bothered. Right. Now push! Push! Hey, the car's not stopping! STOP! STOP! I think you're Mom's going to be bothered.
+19890524 STOP THE CAR! IT'S STILL ROLLING! The driveway must be slanted downhill! It's going faster! WHOA! WHOA! Jump in and pull the emergency brake! I can't catch the door! Oh, no! Oh, no! It's going to go into the road! Don't follow it! LOOK OUT! WILD CAR!!
+19890525 I haven't seen Calvin for about 15 minutes now. That probably means he's getting in trouble.
+19890526 The car is rolling into the road!! What if someone hits it?!? LOOK OUT! LOOK OUT! THERE'S NO ONE DRIVING!! THERE IT GOES!! I can't watch! GRUNTCH Nobody hit it! It just went into the ravine across the street! Hooray, we're dead.
+19890527 Oh man, oh man, oh man. Oh man. What do you suppose a car like this costs? I'll bet at LEAST $75. Oh MAN.
+19890528 Did you watch any television yesterday? No. Gosh, what was yesterday like? I think life should be more like TV. I think all of life's problems should be solved in 30 minutes with simple homilies, don't you? I think weight and oral hygiene ought to be our biggest concerns. I think we should all have powerful, high-paying jobs, and everyone should drive fancy sports cars. All our desires should be instantly gratified. Women should always wear tight clothes, and men should carry powerful handguns. Life overall should be more glamorous, thrill-packed, and filled with applause, don't you think? I think MY life is too featherbrained already. Of course, if life was really like that, what would we watch on TV?
+19890529 My life is flashing becore my eyes. Yeah, I doubt your parents figured you'd wreck their car before you were 16.
+19890530 What are we going to do?? We'll never get the car out of the raving. Should we act surprised, like the car just rolled here by itself? Maybe Mom and Dad would fall for that. Or maybe they won't even notice if we just don't say anything. You think? I can be packed in five minutes. OK, I'll try to get the maps out of the glove compartment.
+19890531 Hi, Mom! Hobbes and I are back! Do I have any clean clothes? I mean, I'm just wondering. I'm going to make myself a few dozen sandwiches! Uh... I'm REALLY hungry! No need to get up, or look, for example, out of the window! Just stay where you are for another 10 minutes! What's the matter with you? AAUGHH! Ha ha ha ha! Nothing! Uh, why do you ask??
+19890601 I got a couple of sandwiches made, but I think Mom was getting suspicious. Are you packed? We'd better go! Should I take the yo-yo or the bubbles? ... or both? HOBBES, COME ON! We'll be lucky to get out of here with our LIVES! Mom's bound to look outside any minute now and see the car in the ditch! If we're not in the next county by then, it's curtains! Let's GO! Where's a freight train when you really need one?
+19890602 POOF POOF POOF POOF POOF OK, (POOF)... I think we've got enough of a head start. We can rest a minute. Do you think your Mom has seen the car by now? Probably. She's probably called Dad at work, and he's probably on his way home now!
+19890603 Well, we're surely in some other state by now. Let's stop here. Boy, it never once occurred to me that I'd be spending the rest of my life on the lam. Speaking of lamb, what kind of sandwiches did you bring? How can you think of eating? I'm so worried I feel sick. Really? Can I have your sandwich too? Six years old and a fugitive from justice. I can't believe it.
+19890604 Ahhhh... Uh-oh. Something is seriously wrong here. The laws of perspective have been repealed! Objects no longer diminish in size with distance! Lines do not converge toward any point on the horizon. All spatial relationships are lost! It's impossible to judge where anything is! Oh, no! CALVIN! Quite running around the house and crashing into things, or I'll sell you to the monkey house! ... and now SHE's lost perspective.
+19890605 What's going on. I wonder. Why are all those cars slowing down as they go by? Gosh, did someone have an accident? It looks like there's a car in the ditch! ... but I don't see anyone by it. And how on earth did they go in straight backward? To do that, the car would've had to come... ...right...out...our...driveway!
+19890606 Well, Mom's sure to have found the car by now and guessed what we did. Now I know what they mean when they say you can't go home again.
+19890607 What's that sound? I don't hear anything. There! Something is crashing through the brush! It It sounds big! Maybe it's a bear! There are BEARS out here?? Climb the tree! Climb the tree! If you ask ME, tigers are the only ferocious animals the world really needs. "Boy, 6, killed by bear! Parents saved the trouble."
+19890608 Do you think we're safe? Should we climb higher? It's hard to say with bears. There it is! The bear's coming out of the brush! Oh no! It looks like it's on its hind legs! Bears stand up only when they're really mad!! Wait, that's not a bear. That's your Mom! AAUGHH! EVEN WORSE! CLIMB HIGHER! CLIMB HIGHER!
+19890609 THERE you are. Come down so I can talk to you. No. You'll kill us. We're running away. I'm not going to kill you. I just wanted to find out what happened. Are you OK? Was anyone hurt? No one was hurt. We were pushing the car into the drive and it kept rolling. The car didn't hit anything? It just went across the road and into the ditch. That's when we took off. Well, the tow truck pulled it out, and there's no damage, so you can come home now. First let's hear you say you love me.
+19890610 Boy, Hobbes, isn't it funny how things sometimes work out? Mom and Dad saw right away that what happened to the car was an accident. They were so relieved no one got hurt that all we got was a lecture on safety and asking permission. They didn't even raise their voices. Parents are inscrutable, huh? Send their car over a ditch and you don't even get yelled at. ...but try keeping live worms in your Dad's... Let's not talk about that, OK?!
+19890611 AAUGH WHAM GRRRRRR You can take the tiger out of the jungle, but you can't take the jungle out of the tigher! The question IS, how can you get the tiger BACK in the jungle?
+19890612 Here's the latest poll of household 6-year-olds, Dad. An overwhelming majority expressed amazement at how little you've accomplished as Dad so far. The impression is that you're avoiding all the hard decisions that need to be made. In fact, none of those polled could name a single instance of true paternal leadership. How about if I lead you upstairs to your bed? Ha ha. If we can be serious for a moment, I have some innovative ideas about my allowance.
+19890613 Look at all these ants. They're all running like mad, working tirelessly all day, never stopping, never resting. And for what? To build a tiny little hill of sand that could be wiped out at any moment! All their work could be for nothing, and yet they keep on building. They never give up! I sure suppose there's a lesson in that. Yeah... ants are morons. Let's see what's on TV.
+19890614 Boy, what a grouch.
+19890615 Hi, Hobbes! Watcha doin'? Nothing. Nothing at all? Nope. I'll help. Please do.
+19890616 ALIENS WELCOME COME AS YOU ARE! What will you do when your parents see this? By then I hope to be halfway to the next galaxy.
+19890617 Oh, no! Calvin has turned into one of his own childhood drawings! His anatomical references being obscure at best, Calvin finds it difficult to move! Are these lower appendages feet or wheels? His own Mom thinks he's some kind of helicopter! If only Calvin had learned to draw better! No one understands my work. That's what all artists say.
+19890618 Do re mi fa so la ti do. A sparrow alights upon a tree branch. But this is no ORDINARY sparrow. This is a SONG sparrow. Swaying gently in the breeze, he prepares to burst forth a rapturious melody! ON TOP OF SPAGHETTI ALL COVERED WITH CHEEEESE, I LOST MY POOR MEEEATBALLL, WHEN...
+19890619 Where are YOU going? Out. Did you pick up your room like I asked you to? No. So when you say you're going "out", you really mean you're going back to clean your room, right? English must not be her first language.
+19890620 What are you doing down here again? Didn't I just send you to clean your room?! Twisted fiend! No four walls can hold STUPENDOUS MAN! You've been foiled again, evil Mom-lady! Ha ha ha! Oh yeah? ! Great Zok! She's fixed her mind-scrambling eyeball ray on me! I'm suddenly filled with the desire to go back upstairs and do her nefarious bidding! Glad to hear it.
+19890621 "Clean up your room! Clean up your room!" That's all I ever hear! It's MY room, right?!? If I don't mind the mess, what business is it of anyone else?! This is tyranny! I HATE cleaning my room! It's going to take me all DAY to do this! Ooh, this makes me mad! A whole day shot! Wasted! Down the drain! Gone! AARGH! Are you kidding? How could this possibly take all day? Heck, it'll be another hour before I'm even through griping.
+19890622 Cleaning my room will go a lot faster if we BOTH work, right? So I'll sit here and do all the tedious, agonizing planning and organizing... ... you know, making the tough calls and the hard decisious. You won't have to do any of that. All YOU do then is pick up what I tell you to, OK? HEY! Did I SAY to pick up me?! No, as a matter of fact, I didn't! Get away from that trash can! I'M the organizer! HEY!
+19890623 I CLEANED UP MY STUPID ROOM! CAN I GO OUTSIDE NOW?! That didn't take very long. Let's se what kind of job you did. I did a GREAT job! See? Can I go now? Your room looks good. Now did you straighten up your closet like I asked you to? AAUGH! Don't open thaa... Back to work, kiddo. YOU made THIS mess! YOU can clean it up!
+19890624 WHACK Our favorite games are the ones we don't understand! You missed a wicket! No goal! No goal!
+19890625 You're out! I think the bases are too darn far apart. Ahh, you're just a big sissy.
+19890626 HELP! A BEE! A BEE! Run for your life! Hobbes! Did you see it?? It was the biggest bee in the whole world! It was the size of a Kaiser roll! It must've weighed 70 pounds! It sounded like a helicopter and it's stinger was like a harpoon! I must've been a killer death bee! Man, I'm lucky it didn't get me! Life in the great suburban outback is certainly fraught with peril. If you'd seen it, you'd have been scared too.
+19890627 I can't imagine mastering the skills involved here without a clearer understanding of who's going to be impressed.
+19890628 I saw the man oin the moon tonight. Mm. I didn't know the moon made faces. That's "phases".
+19890629 The giant pteranodon hops to the edge of the cliff. There he spreads his bat-like wings and takes to the air! Soaring high over the prehistoric valley, the pteranodon is truly a majestic sight! That's it, think majestic! I'm thinking we should've picked a smaller cliff!
+19890630 It's too darn hot out here. You could go wading in the creek. This water is too darn cold. You could go sit in the shade then. This shade is too darn dark. You could go sit in your room with the windows shut and the fan and lights on. That's what I was doing when Mom threw me out here. I was kidding.
+19890701 Give me some cookies, or I soak you with this water balloon! Why, you little thug! Don't you threaten your mother! And don't even THINK about throwing that in the house! Out! Out! I'll bet I'd have gotten some cookies if I had filled this with PAINT.
+19890702 CLICK Uh oh... The sky is a deep orange! Calvin's skin is a pale green! Yellow flowers are now blue! Every color is the opposite of what it should be! Calvin has been transferred to a color film negative! His only hope is to be processed by a 1-hour photo finisher! Dveeloper! I need a developer! Doggone it, Calvin! That's ANOTHER picture ruined! Can't you look pleasant for 1/500th of a second?!
+19890703 IT'S JULY ALREADY! OH NO! OH NO! What happened to June?! Summer vacation is slipping through our fingers like grains of sand! It's going too fast! We've got to hoard our freedom and have more fun! Time rushes on! Help! Help! I don't think I want to be here at the end of August. AAUGH! It's a half-hour later than it was half an hour ago! Run! Run!
+19890704 Mom took me to the library today, Dad. That's nice. Did you get out a book? Yep. It's great! I had no idea books could be so much fun. And you'll learn things, too. I'll say! My book says that this one wasp lays its eggs on a spider, so when the egg hatches, the larva ieats the spider, savings the vital organs for the last, so the spider stays alive while it's being devoured! Gross, huh? Isn't there a street corner where he can hang out instead? And color pictures, too! Want to see 'em?
+19890705 I'm destined for greatness. I just know it. "Calvin the Great," they'll call me. And think how lucky YOU'LL be! You'll get to tell everyone how you knew me as a kid! What a privilege! In fact, all the papers and magazines will probably want to interview you to find out what I'm really like. And boy, will you have to cough up to keep me quiet. And what's THAT supposed to mean?!
+19890706 Dad, how does a light bulb work? Magic. Didn't you say that's how the vacuum cleaner works? Right. They're both magic. You just don't KNOW how they work. I'll bet. Fine. Don't believe your own father, who's been around a lot longer than you. Look Mom, magic! That's not magic!
+19890707 When you wish upon a star your dreams come true. I WISH I HAD A COOL MILLION DOLLARS RIGHT NOW! If Jiminy cricket was here, I'd skoosh him.
+19890708 WHAP I DID IT! I CAUGHT IT! I'm out.
+19890709 Darlinggg, I'm home! And I brought a surprise! Let's hope it's a divorce! Darling, I stopped at the hospital on the way home from work. Don't call me "Darling,"OK? I brought home our new baby! A BABY?! I don't want a baby! What shall we name him? Our baby is a RABBIT?!? How come we have a rabbit?! He's NOT a rabbit, he's a little boy! We'll call him "Jeffrey," OK? He looks like a rabbit to ME. Well, just PRETEND he's a baby! NO! This is idiotic! I refuse!! Playing "house"makes me sick! I'm leaving! I don't see why you'll play pretend with your dumb ol'tiger but not with Mr Bun!
+19890710 WUM WUM WUM How's it going? Fine. Close the lid. Everything stops when you open it. I wish MY bathtub had an agitator.
+19890711 Calvin, will you gather the trash, please? Gather the TRASH?!? What am I, your personal SLAVE?! Why can't YOU do it? Fine, I will. And YOU can start washing your OWN clothes, and fixing your OWN meals, and picking up your OWN toys, and making your OWN bed, and cleaning up your OWN messes, day after day after DAY! Some women just weren't meant to be mothers.
+19890712 Whenever I cook an egg, I like to see how high I can crack above the skillet. Then I aim with just one eye open, so I don't have any depth perception. It's pretty hard that way. See, the secret to having fun in life is to make little challenges for yourself. CRIKK Like the challenge of explaining the stove and the floor to your Mom? Rats. Let's see if there's another carton in the fridge, will ya?
+19890713 What are you writing? I'm telling these companies I intend to boycott from all their products if they don't pull their ads from a TV show I find offensive. By golly, if these companies are going to support objectionable TV programs, I'll take my business elsewhere. Maybe I can scare away the advertising dollars and get the show cancelled. Why don't you just not watch the show? This clean, wholesome television! Ughh, it makes me sick.
+19890714 I never liked ice cream cones too much until I discovered a new way to eat them. I bite off the bottom of the cone and suck out the ice cream as it gets soft. You wouldn't believe some of the awful noices you can make, and it gets pretty sloppy when the cone gets soggy and both ends start dripping. In MY book, food should be nutrition AND entertainment. That's why we tigers like our food surprised and running.
+19890715 I'm so smart it's almost scary. I guess I'm a child progeny. Most children are. Huh? Nothing. People think it must be fun to be a super genius. But they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world. Isn't your pants zipper supposed to be in the front?
+19890716 FWOOSH Heh heh heh... You're in trouble NOW, Hobbes! Heh heh heh! While you have just ONE water balloon, I have THREE! I'm a walking arsenal of hydro-weaponry! Ha ha! I can see the fear in your eyes! You realize that I can get you three times wetter than you can get me! Throw your balloon, and your utter sogginess is assured! I, on the other hand, can act with impunity! With three balloons, I fear nothing! Catch! HEY! DON'T! MY ARMS ARE FULL! OH NO! SPLOOSH GISSHH SPLASH FWOOSH We super powers have it tough. Maybe you should stock up on brains instead!
+19890717 Well, there's no delaying the inevitable. Let's get in the car. Where are we going? The same place we go EVERY summer: camping on some desolate rock at the end of the earth. AGAIN? Yep. This is how Dad likes to unwind. With everyone complaining? Right. He likes to watch us suffer.
+19890718 Look, Dad. There's a town coming up. See the sign? Why don't we pull off, find a nice motel, and just stay THERE for our vacation? We could swim in the pool and have air conditioning and color cable TV and room service! No one would have to know we didn't camp! I wouldn't tell anyone! We could even go to the store, buy a big fish, take your picture with it, and say you caught it! Can't we, Dad? Can't we turn off here? Yes, let's! Now don't YOU start!
+19890719 Ta da! We're here! Good ol' itchy island". Home of the nuclear mosquitoes. Bug bites build character. Yeah, and last year you said diarrhea builds character. So think what a fine young man you're growing up to be. ... if all this character doesn't kill me first. That reminds me, open the duffel bag and get out the spam. If the canoe isn't here in the morning, it means Hobbes and I struck out for home.
+19890720 Boy, it's great to be here! This is the life! I think I'll jump in for a swim. Want to join me? No, thanks. Aw, c'mon. It'll feel great. Right. That lake couldn't have melted before yesterday. Hey, let's go for a swim. Sure, Dad. I'd love to start the week with a little hypothermia. I think what I like best about vacations is the family togetherness.
+19890721 Wake up, Calvin. It's 5:30 and you can see the fish jumping. Mmf goway. It's a beautiful morning. The sun's barely up and there's a mist over the water. It's perfectly still. Not a soul anywhere! Don't you want to see this? Leemeelone. I thought you said you wanted to go fishing. You've got to get up early if you want to catch anything. C'mon, the canoe's all ready and I've got your fishing rod. MOM, make Dad go away! Another thing I like about vacations is the sharing of special moments.
+19890722 Well, I guess that's enough gishing for now. Mmm, I can't wait to get back and have breakfast! I can almost smell the coffee from here! What a life! Hey, where IS every... THERE'S GOING TO BE A SMALL MOUTH BASS FLOPPING IN SOME SLEEPING BAGS IN A MINUTE OR TWO! You know, I really like it when you go off to work in the mornings. It's 6:30 already! Are you people going to waste the whole day?
+19890723 Ahh... a day at the late! This will be great! I still don't see why we can't just sit in the car with the air conditioner on. I'M GETTING SAND IN MY SUIT! I DON'T WANT TO SIT ON THE BEACH! THIS WATER'S TOO COLD! I'M FREEZING TO DEATH! OUT HERE THERE'S TOO MUCH SUN! I'LL GET SUNBURNED! THIS LOTION MAKES ME GREAY AND MY SHIRT MAKES ME TOO HOT! I DON'T WANT TO SIT IN THE SHADE! THIS IS BORING! I HATE WALKING! MY LEGS ARE TIRED AND THE SAND IS TOO HOT AND THE WATER IS TOO COLD AND THERE'S NO SHADE HERE AND I'VE STILL GOT SAND IN MY SUIT! What? Are we going already?
+19890724 I'll bet I'm missing some great TV shows.
+19890725 Watcha doin', Dad? Painting a picture? Yep. You're giving your harmonica skills a real run for the money. Who asked you?
+19890726 SNIFF SNIFF Z Hey, what are you doing? Are you awake? Sniff sniff smack smack You're dreaming, stupid. Wake up. Mm! Why yes, thank you, some good fresh fish would hit the spot! Ooh, there's a nice big 'one! AAUGH! I don't care WHAT all your clothes smell like! I'm not washing anything now! Go to bed!
+19890727 Ooh, these bugs are awful! I itch all over! Don't scratch the bites or you'll just make the itching worse. What am I supposed to do then? It's driving me crazy! Think about something else. Something else?! Like what?? Like maybe stepping out of all that poison ivy. I HATE THIS PLACE!
+19890728 OK, gang, smile! Ack! Don't take a picture of ME! I haven't washed my hair in three days and I'm covered with bug bite! But don't you want something to remember our trip by? I don't want to remember this trip! I've been trying to forget it ever since we got here! When are we leaving this dump? The next time I see one of those smarmy Kodak commercials I'm going to put an ax through the TV.
+19890729 This vacation sure went quickly. I can't believe it's time to go home so soon. After being out here, it will sure be a culture shock to go back to civilization, won't it? Man, I can't wait to get in the car and crack up the A/C and some tunes. Shake a leg, huh? Someday I'm going to get my DNA tested and see if he's really my kid. Take my word for it.
+19890730 Why does the sky turn red as the sun sets? That's all the oxygen in the atmosphere catching fire. Where does the sun go when it sets? The sun sets in the west. In Arizona actually, near flagstaff. Oh. That's why the rocks there are so red. Don't the people get burned up? No, the sun goes out as it sets. That's why it's dark at night. Doesn't the sun crush the whole state when it lands? Ha ha, of course not. Hold a quarter up. See, the sun's just about the same size. I thought I read that the sun was really big. You can't believe everything you read, I'm afraid. So how does the sun rise in the east if it lands in Arizona each night? Well, time for bed. I hope someday I'm as smart as Dad is. Why, what did he tell you now?
+19890731 Off to work, eh, Dad? Yep. It sure is a nice day. The kind of day just made for sitting under a tree and reading a good novel cover to cover, don't you think? Too bad that's a luxury at your age. Well, maybe you can do it when you're 65. I'm sure you'll be that old before you know it. Enjoy your day at work. Dad sure is surly in the mornings.
+19890801 You know what's weird? I don't remember much of anything until I was three years old. Half of my life is a complete blank! I must've been brainwashed! Good heavens, what kind of sicko would brainwash an infant?! And what did I know that someone wanted me to forget?? Boy, am I mysterious. I seem to recall you spent most of the time burping up.
+19890802 MOM! There's a big horsefly on the back of your head! Don't move! I'll get it! I'll get it! Is it still there? You didn't move, did you? Get away from me!
+19890803 Arr! We're bloodthirsty pirates! Avast, ye scurvy dogs! Hoist the jolly roger and ready the plank! Here. What's this? Our booty!
+19890804 Hey, Mom, did you know that gravity in outer space works as if space was a soft, flat surface? It's tru. Heavy matter, like planets, sinks into the surface and anything passing by, like light, will "roll" toward the dip in space made by the planet. Light is actually deflected by gravity! Amazing, huh? And speaking of gravity, I dropped a pitcher of lemonade on the kitchen floor when my roller skates slipped. How can kids know so much and still be so dumb?
+19890805 You know. The world should've been designed so everyone didn't have to eat each other to survive. There should just be fewer people and animals to begin with. And the world certainly could've used a more even distribution of its resources, that's for sure. I wonder why nobody consulted you. Incredible, isn't it?
+19890806 No text
+19890807 I performed a scientific experiment today. You know how maps always show north as up and south as down? I wanted to see if that was true or no. What did you find out? Not much. Your compass didn't survive the trip south from the top of the tree. MY compass?! Let me know when you get a new one. My junior scientist book says not to get discouraged by temporary setbacks.
+19890808 I've been thinking. You know how boring Dad is? Maybe it's a big phony act! Maybe after he puts us to bed, Dad dons some weird costume and goes out fighting crime! Maybe this whole "Dad" stuff is his secret identity! Maybe the Mayor calls Dad on a secret hot line whenever the ciy's in trouble! Maybe Dad's a masked superhero! If that's true, he should drive a cooler car. I know. Ours doesn't even have a cassette deck.
+19890809 There's the stegosaurus out front! There's the National History museum. Hooray! I can't wait to see all the dinosaurs! C'mon. Let's hurry! It's certainly been a while since we've been here, hasn't it? At the museum's request, yes. Oh, that's right. Calvin, no biting people this time, remember? RROWRR
+19890810 What kind of dinosaur did you say this was? It's a stegosaurus! He looks pretty ferocious. No, he was a plant eater. The tail spikes were for self-defense. Oh. Did tyrannosaurs fight these? Of course not, Mom! Turannosaurs came millions of years later! Look, try not to embarrass me when we go inside, OK? Why are we going here if he already knows everything?
+19890811 Look, Hobbes, here's an ancestor of YOURS! A saber-toothed tiger! Ha ha, I'll bet HE was popular! If anyone needed to open a can of juice, they'd just put him over it and hit him on the head! Ha ha! Hee hee, I'll bet they died out because they couldn't understand each other! They pwobabbyy dokked wike diff! Ha ha ha! ... all in all, though, they were undoubtedly the pinnacle of prehistoric evolution.
+19890812 Look, Mom. The museum has a gift shop! Can I buy something? They've got dinosaur models, dinosaur T-shirts, dinosaur posters... I don't think you need any more dinosaur stuff, Calvin. But Mom, it's all EDUCATIONAL! You want me to LEARN, don't you?? Boy, she fell for THAT one. I'll say! I wonder if we could get any Batman junk this way.
+19890813 WUMP! WONNKK... I sh... shouldn't have wa... watched.
+19890814 Oh no, you don't! There's only room for one in this pool and I was here first! If YOU want to cool off, you'll just have to jump in the sprinkler. Fine! I'll DO that. ! Doggone it, I didn't mean for you to have FUN!
+19890815 Z Z CRAACKK BOOM What do you think? A thunderstorm, or a space alien ray gun invasion? Whichever, tell me when it's over.
+19890816 How's it coming? Slow. This dirt is real hard. Well, that's a pretty good start. But I've been digging all morning! This is going to take forever! Maybe you'll have to settle for a smaller swimming pool. Yeah. This would kill you if you went off the high dive. It's too bad. Mom would've really been surprised to have an olympic pool where her garden used to be. Maybe she'll be surprised anyway.
+19890817 There! A gull pitcher of "Calvin's curative elixir"! We'll charge people a buck a glass and get rich! But that's just dirty water from the drainage ditch! There are leaves in it! "Fortified with chlorophyll", we'll say. Nobody's going to pay to drink that! Anyone can see it's filthy! It's sludge! Hmm... maybe you're right. PiTCHER of PLaGUE. Calvin's DeBiLitatiNG DiSEaSE DRiNK! $1.00 Not TO HaVE aNY
+19890818 I've decided not to go to school this fall. I don't need an education. I don't need to learn things. I don't need to develop skills. It's too much trouble. How are you going to make it in the world if you don't know anything and you don't have any skills?! I'll go on talk shows and hype myself.
+19890819 Ughh, there are times when I hate owning a house. All the maintenance! The walls need painting, the roof needs to be fixed, the tree out back needs to be sprayed... It seems like the whole place is falling apart. ... and what isn't falling apart is being actively destroyed!
+19890820 A 30-ton brontosaurus ... is about to face a premature extinction! The allosaurus, fearsome predator of the jurassic, stalks his prey! The herd of brontosaurs is unaware of his presence! Spotting a straggler, the allosaurus lunges! The brontosaurus rears to its full gigantic height! What induces an allosaurus to attack a monster more than twice his own size?! I'm HUNGRY! The hamburgers are cooking, Now get off me!
+19890821 Calvin the hummingbird zips by with a loud whir! Although small, he puts out tremendous energy. To hover, his wings beat hundreds of times each second! What fuels this incredible metabolism? Concentrated sugar water! He drinks half his weight a day! ... preferably loaded with caffeine. Are you drinking more soda pop?!
+19890822 "Once upon a time there was..." Hold it. What's the matter? Has this book been a best seller? Has the author won a Pulitzer? Did the New York Times like it? I only want stories that come highly recommended. Are there any laudatory quotes on the dust jacked? Ahem... "Once upon a time there was a noisy kid who started going to go to bed without a story." Has this book been made into a movie? Could we be watching this on video?
+19890823 What are you doing? I'm practicing my sneers. There's nothing like a good sneer to dry up conversation. How's mine look? Awful! Thanks. With this sneer, I hope to be an unbearable burden at any social occasion. That will give you a real head start on beeing a teen-ager. I know! It's like getting seven extra years!
+19890824 WHAP! Too late! I made another home run. (pant pant) I'm quitting if we don't stop using this tennis ball.
+19890825 AAAGH!! You should be more alert! You wouldn't last two seconds in the jungle. THAT'S WHY I LIVE HERE, YOU DOLT!
+19890826 What are you doing down there, Calvin? Shh, Mom! Go away! Susie's coming down the walk and I'm going to throw some crab apples at her. Oh, no, you're not! Put those down! AWWW, MOM! Don't throw crab apples at ANYone. They're hard and you could really hurt someone. OK, OK. What are you doing there, Calvin? Shh, Susie! Go away! I'm going to throw this squishy old tomato at my Mom.
+19890827 HEADS UP! GISHHH You rotten fleabag! I'll get you! You hear me?! Say your prayers! Ahh, you're all wet! Wee wee! By golly, I'll soak him with the hose! He won't dry out for a month! I've got you now, Hobbes, Ol' Buddy! Heh heh heh! Trying to get another balloon ready, eh? Well, you're too late! Hope you're thirsty, sucker! Hey, what's wrong?! This hose isn't working! Why won't it squirt?! Oh, I had to take this end off the faucet so I could fill my balloon. Uh-oh. Actually, I'm kind of looking forward to going to school next week.
+19890828 Mom wants me to make my bed. Come help me, OK? OK. You get some pencils, and I'll get some big paper! I thought we were making the bed. And do all that work?!? No, we're going to invent a robot to make the bed FOR us! Won't inventing a robot be more work than making the bed? It's only work if somebody makes you do it.
+19890829 How are we going to invent a robot? We don't know anything about machines. Maybe YOU don't. It's easy. There are just four simple machines to alter force. The lever, the pulley, the inclined plane, and, um, the internal combustion engine. Take my workd for it, I'm an expert at inventions. So where do we start? We ask Mom for a research grant.
+19890830 Hi, Mom. Can I look at your wallet for a few minutes? I, uh, want to see something. Hold on. Did you make your bed like I asked you? I'm working on it. As I recall, your bed is in your room. I'm inventing a robot to make the bed, but I need a grant. Can I have $50? What'd she say? Did you get the money? Boy, when we're the cover story of popular mechanics, I'll have some choice words to say about family encouragement.
+19890831 OK, the first thing our robot needs is a head. Should we use a coffee can? No, that's too small. The head has to hold his tape recorder. See, I've made recordings for the robot's voice! Really? Sure! This way, our robot not only communicates, but we can also "program" him to have the proper personality! Personality? Right. Robots should be RESPECTFUL. *click* How may I ease your life, oh grand exalted master?
+19890901 Hey, Dad, I'm inventing a robot. Can you get me a patent? You invented a robot? Well, here it is so far. Hobbes and I have been working on it all afternoon. It's not quite perfected yet, but you get the idea. Hmm... what does it do? That's the problem. We haven't figured out how to make it do what we want. Don't get discouraged. Your Mom and I got the same results after working on YOU for six YEARS. Har har. My attorney is a comedian.
+19890902 Well, Hobbes, we might as well give up. I can't figure out how to make a robot. This one doesn't do anything. It's past your bedtime, Calvin. You'll have to leave your toys for tomorrow. OK, Mom. Our robot wasn't working out anyway. Gosh, and we spent all day on it, too. I thought for sure our robot would save us from making the bed. And in a way, he DID! Hey, yeah! We're geniuses!
+19890903 How's your math homework going? AUGH! FINE! ...sighhhh... RGHH! GRR YIPE! RGHH RRGH YIPE! YIPE! SNAP AIEE! EEK! EEK! SNAP SNAP CRUNCH URRPP YAA! AUGH! Your book ate your homework, hmm? That's a new one. I'm lucky to be alive! I had to break its spine!
+19890904 Your Mom sure was cheerful this morning. Hmph. I've never seen her humming and sashaying around the kitchen like that. Hmph. How long have we been waiting for the bus now? About two and a half hours. I think Mom put me out here this early on PURPOSE.
+19890905 Hi, Calvin! Aren't you excited about going to school? Look at all these great school supplies I got! I love having new notebooks and stuff! All I'VE got to say is they're not making ME learn any foreign languages! If English is good enough for ME, then by golly, it's good enough for the REST of the world! Everyone should speak English or just shut up, that's what I say! You should maybe check the chemical content of your breakfast cereal. They can make me go until grade eight, and then, FFFT, I'm outta here!
+19890907 The fearless Spaceman Spiff is being pursued across the galaxy by dreaded scum beings! They're gaining! Spiff's only chance to lose them is to release a giant smoke cloud behind his spacecraft! Our hero throws the lever! Heh heh... just uh, clapping the erasers, heh heh... (cough) You again? *sighhhh* I can't believe it's not even 8:30 yet.
+19890911 I want that truck, Twinky. It's mine, Moe. I brought it from home. I said gimme the truck. Moe, you can't just TAKE things from people just because you're bigger! I'm not taking it. You're GIVING it to me because we'll both be so much happier that way. How touching.
+19890908 What a day. I'M HO-O-AAAH! KAPOWWW!!! Things get so darn quiet when you're not around. There's going to be some ruckus NOW, buddy-boy!
+19890909 Is it? It IS! It's SATURDAY! Oh boy! No school! No homework! Just cartoons and fun the whole day long! HOORAY! Turn on the TV! Get out the cereal! IT'S SAAATURDAY! You're getting up? It's barely light out! I'm going to the office and get some sleep.
+19890910 First down and one yard to go. Only one yard? Yeah, the neighbours won't let us play in THEIR yard. HIKE! Go out long! FUMBLE! Oops, whose team was I when I recovered the ball? It doesn't matter. The game's called on account of sudden death.
+19890906 Calvin, would you lead the class in the pledge of allegiance? NO! What did the Supreme Court decide about that? Is this a prayer? Don't you have to read me my rights? I don't have to keep up with this stuff! I'm just a kid! I'm only here because my parents make me go! I don't want to be a test case! I don't even know what court district I'm in! Call on someone else! Calvin? *sighhhh* I can't believe it's not even 8:15 yet.
+19890912 Moe, give me my truck back. It's not yours. It is NOW. You gave it to me. I didn't have much choice, DID I?! It was either the truck or get punched. So? So I only "gave" it to you because you're bigger and meaner than me! Yeah? ... so? The forensic marvel has reduced my logic to shambles. You're saying you changed your mind about getting punched?
+19890913 That no-good, rotten Moe! He won't give my truck back to me. The oaf will probably break it, too. Should I steal it back? I know stealing is wrong, but HE stole it from ME, and if I DON'T steal it back, Moe will just keep it, and that's not fair. They say two wrongs don't make a right, but what are you supposed to DO then? Just let the biggest guy make up his own rules all the time? Let might make right? ... that sounds reasonable.
+19890914 By golly, I AM going to steal my truck back from Moe! It's mine and he has no right to have it! I'll just sneak up behind the swings here, and when Moe's not looking, I'll run up, grab the truck and take off. This playground should have one of those automatic insurance machines like they have in airports.
+19890915 OK, Moe's got his back to me! Now I'll zip over, steal my truck back and run like crazy! He'll never know what hit him! By the time he ses the truck is gone, I'll be a mile away! It's a fail-proof plan! Nothing can go wrong! It's a snap! There's no reason to hesitate. It'll be over in a split second, and I'll sure be glad I have my truck back! I'll just do it and be done! Nothing to it! It's easy! Obviously my body doesn't believe a word my brain is saying.
+19890916 Phooey, who am I kidding? I'd never get away with stealing my truck back from Moe. The ugly galoot is the size of a buick. Hmm... since I can't FIGHT him, maybe I should try TALKING to him. Maybe if I reasoned with him, he'd see MY side. Maybe he'd realize that stealing hurts people, and maybe he'd return my truck WILLINGLY. Maybe if I'm really lucky, I won't go through life with the nickname "omelet face".
+19890917 Eeesh. What goes down must come up. BLECHH! AGKH HEY! NO! DON'T SPLOOSH HACK COUGH SPLUTTER MMF BLORP! UGH ICKK PTOOY YAA! I'LL GET YOU!! Heh heh... Hello, local navy recruitment office? Yes, this is an emergency...
+19890918 Listen, Moe, that's my truck, and I want it back! Yeah? Yeah! It's my favorite truck. You had no right to take it! Yeah? Yeah! So give it back! NOW! I'll fight you for it. I'll bet my autopsy reveals my mouth is too big. C'mon, wimp!
+19890919 I'm not going to fight you, Moe! If you won't give me my truck back, FINE! Go ahead and keep it! You're the one who has to live with yourself! I can't make you do what's right! You can HAVE the stupid truck! OK, thanks! Heh heh. Hey, Kid, if you're not gonna swing, get off and let someone ELSE on, huh?
+19890920 ... so Moe stole my truck, and when I tried to get it back, Moe wanted to fight me for it. I didn't want to fight, so I walked away and Moe kept my truck. I don't understand it, Hobbes. What makes some people so greedy and mean? Why is it that some people don't care what's wrong and right? Why don't people try to be nice to each other? The problem with people is that they're only human. Well, you're lucky you don't have to BE one.
+19890921 You know, sometimes the world seems like a pretty mean place. That's why animals are so soft and huggy. ...yeah..
+19890922 MOM! MOMM! What is it? What's the matter? Hobbes had a bad dream. You woke me up at 2 A.M. because your suffed tiger had a bad dream?!? He dreamed he was so hungry, he ate us allup. I must be having a bad dream. Don't you think you should make Hobbes a sandwich, just in case?
+19890923 Know what, Dad? At the fresh fish counter in the supermarket, you can buy real squid. They have them in a bucket. They're really gross. Mm, I'll bet. CALVIN, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
+19890924 That's our son! *sighhhh* These pictures will remind us of more than we want to remember.
+19890925 Have you seen my shoes? I thought I had them out right here. Your shoes? I don't know. They WERE right here. Where could they have gone? We're going to be late. Well I can't goe anywhere without my SHOES. Help me look. They're not leaving US behind with a baby sitter tonight!
+19890926 DING DONG It's ROSALYN! Answer the door, will you please, Calvin? Hi Roz. My parents have changed their minds about going out, so we won't be needing your services. Goodbye. Hi, Rosalyn. What are you talking about, Calvin? You can't go out if Mom can't find her shoes, right? And what do YOU know about THAT? Uh, nothing! Ha ha! Um, why? Are her shoes missing? I'd like to be paid in advance tonight.
+19890927 Phooey. Mom and Dad left. Now we're here alone with the baby sitter from the black lagoon. Hee hee! Do you think she remembers how last time we threatened to flush her science notes down the toilet? Ha ha ha! Our finest moment. OK, you, get in bed. WHAT?! It's not even 6:30! She remembers, all right. She can't get away with this. We'll call the rescue squad.
+19890928 Rosalyn? What are you doing out of bed? I thought I heard something outside. I didn't hear anything. It was kind of a thump. Will you go look, and make sure it's not anything scary? I'll check, but I didn't hear any thump. Yes... yes! Go out the door! Two more steps! Oh please, oh please! Yes, yes, yes! See? There's nothing out here.
+19890929 See, Calvin? There's nothing out here. But I KNOW I heard something! Go look, OK? Please? OK, if it will make you feel... HEY! SLAM THIS WAS A TRICK?! WHY YOU SNEAKY LITTLE DROP, I'LL GET YOU!! Hobbes! I locked her out! Now we can watch TV and eat cookies till we're SICK! Oh boy! This is the best we've EVER been baby sat!
+19890930 CALVIN, WILL YOU LET ME BACK IN THE HOUSE THIS INSTANT! Don't worry, Rosalyn! There's only a 50% chance of rain tonight! Ha ha! She's trying to open the downstairs windows. It's OK. I already locked them up. YOU OPEN UP THAT DOOR! Hey Roz! What's in your purse? Mind if we look??
+19891001 Hmm... For THIS patient, I'm going to need more tongue depressors.All right, what's wrong with you? ... like I care. My foot hurts, Doctor. Your FOOT hurts? What kind of a stupid problem is THAT?! You're the doctor! You're supposed to find out what's wrong with it. It's psychosomatic. You need a lobotomy. I'll get a doctor. A LOBOTOMY?! That's not what a REAL doctor would say! Yeah? Who's wearing the stethescope, you or me? Here's a mallet. Do you want anesthesia? Wh... that's to test REFLEXES! Y-you don't know ANYTHING! How about a SHOT then? Like a shot in the mouth? That does it! I know more about medicine than you! I'll be the doctor now! Ow! Ow! Quit kicking! See, that's why your dumb foot hurts! Stop it! Say it! Sai I'm the doctor! OK, you're the doctor! But I'm not going to be any patient of YOURS! I'm leaving! Fine! Good riddance! You ruin everything! The surgeon general should issue a warning about playing with girls. I'D be Susie's patient!
+19891002 CALVIN, I'M, TELLING YOUR PARENTS ABOUT THIS! NOW LET ME IN! Pipe down, will ya Roz? Hobbes and I can hardly hear the TV! You're not supposed to BE watching television! Hey, if you go rent us a VCR and a mobie, we'll put the TV near a window so you can watch too! LET ME IN! Are you 18? You could get us "Venusian Vampire Vixens"!
+19891003 CALVIN! Hang on, Roz. The phone is ringing! I hope it's your parents! I hope they ask to talk to me! Boy, you'll be in trouble THEN! It's your boyfriend, Charlie! Should I tell him that you're indisposed? Ha ha! No! LET ME TALK TO HIM! Say chas, don't you think you're settling for too little in the girlfriend department?
+19891004 Isn't it great to get out of the house alone together for a change? It's so nice and quiet. We should do this more often. CALVIN, YOU'VE GOT FIVE SECONDS TO OPEN THE DOOR BEFORE I BREAK A WINDOW! I'm telling you Chuck, your girlfriend is a psycho! I hope you're not makingany long-range plans around her.
+19891005 Wow, this is fun! All the TV shows we're not allowed to watch, and a bag of cookies each! SLAM! Hey, what was that? AAUGH!! ROSALYN! H-how did YOU g-get in?? *gulp* whoops, I think it's past my bedtime.
+19891006 It was all a misunderstanding! An innocent mistake! Let me explain! Calvin, listen closely. Locking Rosalyn out of the house wasn't just MEAN, it was DANGEROUS. If you'd hurt yourself or if there was a fire, she wouldn't have been able to help you. You go apologize to Rosalyn right now. I-I'm sorry, Rosalyn. And we're sorry too. I PROMISE you Calvin will behave himself next time. An extra five would help there BE a next time.
+19891007 Boy, did I get in trouble. Stealing Mom's shoes and making Mom and Dad late... then locking the baby sitter out of the house... whoof. That's a lot to live down for just one evening. I feel pretty bad. And having eaten a whole package of Oreos doesn't help. You said it.
+19891008 Why do animals always walk in circles before they lie down? Sorry. Privileged information. Z Psst! Hey kid! MONSTERS! What do you want? There's a big, shiny toy for you under the bed. Come get it! Oh sure! You just want me to come there so you can grab me with some oozing appendage, slowly paralyze me with some vile secretion, and devour me alive! Nice try! Forget it! Stupid monsters. All fangs and no brains. Psst! Tiger! We'll give you some salmon if you push the kid over the bed! Is the salmon fresh? Hold on, I'll check. Yeah, it's fresh. HOBBES, DON'T LISTEN TO THEM!!
+19891009 Man, this is boring! How am I ever going to read three whole pages of this by tomorrow? It's impossible! ... Impossible?? Why, NOTHING'S impossible! Not for ... STUPENDOUS MAN! Bum ba ba daa dum bum ba ba daa dum
+19891010 YES! It's ... STUPENDOUS MAN! Friend of freedom! Opponent of oppression! Lover of liberty! Great moons of Jupiter! Calvin (STUPENDOUS MAN's 6-year-old alter ego) has three pages of boring homework to read! It's TYRANNY! Although STUPENDOUS MAN could easily read the assignment with stupendous high-speed vision, the masked man of might has a bolder plan! With stupendous powers of reasoning, the caped combatant conclused thatere's no need for homework, if there's no school tomorrow!
+19891011 A blinding bolt of blazing crimson careens across the sky! It's STUPENDOUS MAN! Seconds later, the amazing marvel alights upon an observatory telescope at Mount Palomar! With stupendous strength, STUPENDOUS MAN carefully unscrews the giant lens... ... and blasts into space with it!
+19891012 STUPENDOUS MAN circles the earth with a 200-inch telescope lens! Aligned perfectly with the sun, the magnifying lens focuses the terrible solar energy... ... and fries a certain elementary school clean off the map! Now mild mannered Calvin has no need to do his homework ever again! Liberty prevails! How's your homework coming along, Calvin?
+19891013 Uh oh, it's my arch-nemesis, MOM-LADY! She can't discover my secret identity! Calvin? Are you doing your homework in there? Quickly, STUPENDOUS MAN leaps into the closet to change back into his 6-year-old alter ego, mild-mannered Calvin! Calvin? Are you in here? Unfortunately, STUPENDOUS MAN's cape is caught in mild-mannered Calvin's zipper! Curses! This is going to be a good one, I can tell. Geez, Mom! Can't a guy have a little privacy?!
+19891014 And why, may I ask, are you standing in your underwear in the closet? Oh, no reason. Um.. I was hot. You're SUPPOSED to be doing your homework! I don't need to do it now, thanks to STUPENDOUS MAN! Oh yeah? It was great! He fried the school with a big magnifying lens in space! I'm sure it will be in all the papers tomorrow. Boy, she'll be in trouble when she gives me my costume back. BIG trouble.
+19891015 Thank you, Claire. That was very good. ... all right, who'd like to go next? Anyone at all besides Calvin? HEY! For show-and-tell, I brought these amazing fossilized bone fragments that I painstakingly unearthed from sedimentary deposits in my front yard! Though they look like ordinary driveway gravel to the untotured eyes of the ignorant layman, I immediately recognized these as pieces of jawbone from a new species of carnosaur! In this dramatic illustration, I've re-created the complete Calvinosaurus as it would have appeared in the late Jurassic! It's coloration here is somewhat conjectural. I'll be publishing my full findings shortly! Undoubtedly, I'll be the recipient of many lucrative paleontology prizes, and in a matter of weeks, prestige, fame and fortune will be mine! When this happens, you can be darn sure that those of you who were mean to me in school will suffer appropriately! I'll employ my resources to make your puny lives miserable! I'll crush your pitiful dreams and ambitions like bugs in the dust! ... but there IS an alternative! I'm now accepting a limited number of applications to be my pal. The cost is just $20 per person, and you can revel in the association for a lifetyme! Any takers? Oh yeah? Just you wait!
+19891016 Uh oh, Calvin the reptile is in trouble! As an ectotherm, his body relies on the environment to warm or cool its temperature. Now that it's colder outside, Calvin's body temperature falls and he becomes sluggish! He'll go into torpor if he can't find a warm place to lie! Leave the thermostat alone, and put on a sweater if you're cold. I ... I don't have the en.. energy!
+19891017 I heard that big cats don't purr. That's true. We're too fierce and ferocious, we don't ever purr. Well, what do you call the noice you make when you get your tummy rubbed? Growling friendly-like.
+19891018 Calvin, your Mom and I looked over your report card, and we think you could be doing better. But I don't like school. Why not? You like to read and you like to learn. I know you do. I mean, you've read every dinosaur book ever written, and you've learned a lot, right? Reading and learning are fun. Yeah... So why don't you like school? We don't read about dinosaurs.
+19891019 I've got an idea, Dad. Maybe I'd get better grades if you offered me $1 for ever "D", $5 for every "C", $10 for every "B", and $50 for every "A"! I'm not going to BRIBE you, Calvin. You should apply yourself for your own good. Rats. I thought I could make an easy four bucks.
+19891020 Hello? Valley hardware? Yes, I'm calling to see if you sell blasting caps, detonators, timers and wire. Just the wire? OK, forget it. Do you rent bulldozers or backhoes? No, no, a rototiller won't do at all. I need something more like a wrecking ball. Do you know where I could get anything like that? No? OK, goodbye. Looks like another boring day, Hobbes.
+19891021 I can't sleep, Hobbes. I've been thinking. What about? Well, suppose there's no afterlife. That would mean THIS life is all you get. And THAT would mean I'm sitting here in a bed as precious moments of my all-too-short life disappear forever. Honey, wake up. Did you hear the television on?
+19891022 Hey Hobbes! ... Hobbes! It's bedtime. Ooh, I wouldn't have wanted to sleep through THAT. I wonder why we dream when we sleep. Do our brains get bored? I wonder why we don't just plain sleep. I think we dream so we don't have to be apart so long. If we're in each other's dreams, we can plan together all night. Hey, yeah! Well, I'll see you in a few minutes, ol' buddy! I'll be there! Z Z
+19891023 The strangest thing happened to me a few minutes ago. Oh? What? I was minding my own business, when suddenly I was zapped into some sort of space void vortex! There I watched helplessly as an evil duplicate of myself from a parallel univere too my place on earth, and... what have you done NOW? No, no, see, it wasn't ME...
+19891024 Heh heh heh! AHA! I see you! Sneaking up to pounce on me, eh? Phooey. You see why MOST tigers don't chuckle to themselves.
+19891025 Want to play a great game I invented? OK. It's called "Gross Out". You say the grossest think you can imagine, and then I try to think of something even grosser. Whoever comes up with the grossest thing gets a point, and we play until someone gets 50 points, OK? I think I already know who's going to win. It's weidt, nobody ever played a whole game with me.
+19891026 Pay attention to me.
+19891027 I've got to write a report for school. What's your topic? Bats. Can you imagine anything more stupid? Heck, I don't know anything about bats! How am I supposed to write a report on a subject I know nothing about?! It's impossible. I suppose research is out of the question. Oh, like I'm going to learn about bats and THEN write a report?! Give me a break!
+19891028 Hell, Susie? This is Calvin. You know this report we're supposed to write for school? Yeah, my topic is bats. What's yours? Elephants? Hmm. Well, are you going to the library to look up elephants? You are? Great! While you're there, could you research bats too, and make copies of all the information you find, and maybe underline the important parts for me, and sort of outline it, so I wouldn't have to read it all? How'd it go? I really loathe girls.
+19891029 His stabilizers useless, his fuel about to explode, our hero careens out of control over a strange, unexplored planet! Yes, it's just another typical day for the incredible Spaceman Spiff! Zorched by Zarokes, Spaceman Spiff's crippled craft crashes on Platet Plootarg! Dazed but undaunted, our fearless hero sets off in search of a service station! Zounds! The zealous zarches have followed Spiff to the planet's surface to finish him off! With a sudden chill, our hero realizes the planet's soft granular ground makes him easy to track! Thinking quickly, Spiff runs backward, so his tracks show him going the opposite direction! By continuing past a hiding place and doubling back, our hero fools the hideous aliens! CALVIN! It's time to come in! We know he went this way. We'll find him.
+19891030 What am I going to do about this report on bats? You've got to help me, Hobbes! OK, ... um, first let's make a list of what we know. Yeah! That's a good way to start! Great! Number one: what are bats? They're bugs, aren't they? Yeah, put that down. #1 BATS = BUGS Are you sure? They fly, right? They're ugly and hairy, right? C'mon, this is taking all day!
+19891031 I think we've got enough information now, don't you? All we have is one "fact" you made up. That's plenty. By the time we add an introduction, a few illustrations and a conclusion, it will look like a graduate thesis. Besides, I've got a secret weapon that will GUARANTEE me a good grade! No teacher can resist THIS! What is it? A clear plastic binder! Pretty professional looking, eh? I don't want co-author credit on this, OK?
+19891101 Hi Susie! Did you write your report? Yeah, I spent all last evening on it. Did you? Well, when you know as much as I do, it doesn't take as long. Mine took about 15 minutes. 15 minutes? Let's see. I guess you won't be setting the grade curve THIS time, Susie! Read it and weep. "Bats: the big bug scourge of the skies." Note the professional clear plastic binder. Bats aren't BUGS!
+19891102 All right, class, who would like to give his report first? I WOULD! I WOULD! Why Calvin, what a surprise to see YOU volunteer! You must have done a good job. Go to the front of the class. Oh boy! Now let's all pay attention. Go ahead, Calvin. Thank you. Before I begin, I'd like everyone to notice that my report is in a professional, clear plastic binder. That's very nice. Go ahead. When a report looks this good, you know it'll get an "A". That's a tip, kids. Write it down.
+19891103 My report is on bats. ...ahem... "Dusk! With a creepy tingling sensation, you can hear the fluttering of leathery wings! BATS! With glowing red eyes and glistening fangs, these unspeakable giant bugs drop onto..." BATS AREN'T BUGS!! Look, who's giving the report? YOU chowderheads... or ME?! Calvin, I'd like to see you a moment.
+19891104 Man alive! Can you believe what my teacher wrote on my report? She says I obviously did no research whatsoever on bats, and that my scientific illustration looks like I traced the Batman logo and added fangs! She's pretty perceptive. She didn't even give me credit for my professional clear plastic binder! What did your parents have to say? Nothing. And if you'll give me a hand here, it will stay that way.
+19891105 Let's just sit here a moment... and savor the impending terror. Here we are, perched at the peak of Mount Maim! Why? Because I like to experience life to the fullest! I say you don't fully APPRECIATE life until you risk losing it! I like to stare death straight in the eye and make him blink! If your adrenalin isn't pumping, you're not really living! Right? Actually, I think real living is sitting by a fire, slurping marshmallows from the bottom of a mug of hot cocoa.
+19891106 Hi Susie. What did you bring for lunch today? A swiss cheese and ketchup sandwich. It's my very favorite, too. So I don't want to hear what gross thing YOU brought. Relax, Susie. I bought cafeteria lunch today. Good. It appears to be cigar butts in a gallstone sauce. That's beany-wienies! Really? Oh gross.
+19891107 Hello? Hi Dad. It's me, Calvin. You're supposed to be at school! I AM at school. Are you all right? What's the matter? Why are you calling? I told the teacher I had to go to the bathroom. Quick, what's 11+7?
+19891108 I was reading about how countless species are being pushed toward extinction by man's destruction of forests. Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.
+19891109 What are you DOING?! You're going to be late for school! Hurry up and put your clothes on right. It's sad how some people can't handle a little variety.
+19891110 I wonder why man was put on earth. What's our purpose? Why are we here? Tiger food.
+19891111 Z Z SNAP A little high-strung, are we? We tigers all it lightning quick reflexes
+19891112 Calvin suddenly realizes the world has no hue, value, or chroma! Have the photoreceptors in Calvin's eyes stopped working properly, or has the fundamental nature of light changed?? Perhaps some strange nuclear or chemical reaction on the sun has caused electromagnetic radiation to defy separation into a spectrum! Maybe objects no longer reflect certain wavelengths! Whatever the cause, it's clear to Clavin that there's no point in discussing things with his Dad! The problem is, you see everything in terms of black and white. SOMETIMES THAT'S THE WAY THINGS ARE!!
+19891113 Sighhhh... HEY! WHOA! WHOA! WAHHH BAM CALVIN, QUIT BANGING AROUND!
+19891114 Ow! What am I doing on the ceiling? Hmm... nothing else fell up. Just me. This is very strange. Even if I try to jump to the floor, I land back on the ceiling! My personal gravity must have reversed polarity! You'd thing this is the type of thing we'd learn about in science class, but no, we learn about cirrus clouds.
+19891115 Having my personal gravity polarity reversed is a nuisance. How am I going to get up to the floor? There's not anything on the ceiling that I could even climb up. How am I supposed to do my homework when I'm trapped on the ceiling? It's impossible.
+19891116 Mom and Dad won't be too happy about THIS. No sir. Dad will have to bolt my bed to the ceiling tonight, and Mom will have to stand on a stepladder to hand me dinner. Then I'll have to hold my plate upside-down above my head and scrape the food off the underside! And if I spill anything, it will fly 10 feet up to the floor and splot! This is going to be the most fun I've ever had!
+19891117 All this wide open ceiling space! I wish I could get my roller skates. Heyh, maybe I can climb up this bookcase and when I get to the bottom shelf, leap to a chair. Then I can pull myself across other pieces of furniture and work my way to the chest. I can hear Mom now: How on earth did you get sneaker prints on the underside of each shelf?!"
+19891118 There! I think I can jump to that chair and hang on to the back. GEERONIMOOO! WHOAAA! WHAM! Great. Just great. Calvin, QUIT BANGING AROUND!
+19891119 While lying on my back to make an angel in the snow, I saw a greenish craft appear! A giant UFO! A strange, unearthly hum it made! It hovered overhead! And aliens were moving 'round in view ports glowing red! I tried to run for cover, but a hook that they had low'r'd Snagged me by my overcoat and hoisted me aboard! Even then, I tried to fight, though they numbered many, I poked them in their compound eyes and pulled on their antennae! It was no use! They dragged me to a platform, tied me up, and wired to my cranium a fiendish suction cup! They turned it on and current coursed across my cerebellum, coaxing from my brain tissue the things I wouldn't tell 'em! All the math I ever learned, the numbers and equations, were mechanically removed in this brain-draining operation! My escape was an adventure. (I won't tell you what I did.) Suffice to say I cannot add, so ask some other kid.
+19891120 RRG! MMF! Getting any HOMEWORK done, or are you just ruining furniture? Maybe I'm hanging here for dear LIFE! Ever think of THAT?
+19891121 I'm TELLING you, my personal gravity reversed its polarity! I fall UP now! I've been trapped on the ceiling! I couldn't do my homework up THERE! My desk is on the FLOOR! You should be glad I wasn't OUTSIDE when it happened, or I'd be sailing through the ionosphere! Right. Now I don't want to hear any more nonsense until you're through with your homework, understand? DON'T LET GO! DON'T LET GO!
+19891122 It's... it's a miracle! My personal gravity is back to normal! Glad to hear it. Now do your math. You bet, Mom. Boy, what a relief to be pulled down instead of up! I'll check your progress in a little bit. Uh oh.
+19891123 This has been a most peculiar afternoon.
+19891124 I've got to get outside before I grow bigger! I suppose I should get my pituitary gland checked.
+19891125 I know! I'll run downtown and find Dad at work! Maybe he can help! Hm... now which building does Dad work in? They all look the same. ... well, maybe Dad can find ME.
+19891126 Mom never lets me stay up to watch the TV shows I really want to see. Why not? She says they're too educational. I watched a nature program on TV last night. Afterward, I asked Dad if life was really nothing more than surviving long enough to reproduce before you became food for something else. Well, he looked at me a minute, and said he didn't know about the rest of it, but he thought that the importance of reproducing was greatly overrated. I've noticed in those programs how the young males often leave the herd at an early age. I think it's GOOD that everyone becomes food.
+19891127 No text
+19891128 No text
+19891129 No text
+19891130 Well? How's you're math coming along? I've almost started!
+19891201 Oh brother! Another "discussion" about my study habits and the importance of homework. I've tried explaining that it's hard to study when one's size suddently starts increasing, but does SHE care?! Hah! No, it's just blah blah blah, like it's all MY fault! Mom's never been as big as a galaxy, so she can't understand how anyone ELSE could be! Sheesh. Oops, it looks like she's wrapping up. Better start nodding. Good. I'm glad we had this little talk.
+19891202 Doing homework? Yeahhhh.... Boy, you missed the show. I just got a big lecture from Mom just because I got stuck on the ceiling and then grew so big I fell off the planet when I was supposed to be doing my math! Gee, THAT'S not very fair. You said it. Here, how about helping me hurry up with these problems? Sure! Tigers are great at math! Now what do these little horizontal lines mean? That's a minus sign. Let me know when you're done, OK? I'll be reading comic books.
+19891203 YOU CALL THIS DECEMBER?! Pitiful. Just pitiful. Here comes Susie. Ooh, if only I had a snowball, I'd smack it right across the back of her fat head! I'll bet Santa Claus heard that! Oh, man, I forgot! I hate this time of the year. You'd better say you're sorry. I'M SORRY! I'M SORRY! I DIDN'T MEAN IT! You'd better say you LIKE Susie. WHAT?! Never! That's going too darn far. You'd better say you'd like to give her muchas smoochies! MUCHAS SMOOCHIES?! Hi Calvin, what are you doing? Fighting. Go away. I don't know what's weirder, that you're fighting a stuffed animal, or that you seem to be losing. I'M NOT LOSING! HOBBES CHEATS! Quit it, you! Ow! Stop it! After today, I'll bet Santa takes a shovel to the reindeer stalls to fill YOUR stocking. You're no better off than I am, buddy.
+19891204 When are we going to get a Christmas tree? Oh, I dunno. Probably a little after New Year's. AFTER NEW YEAR?? Sure. We can just go up the street and pick the best tree from the neighbors' driveways. WHAT?! Sometimes there's still tinsel on the tree too, so you don't even have to decorate it! We'll save time AND money! OK, what did your Dad tell you THIS time?
+19891205 Yes, Calvin? You have a question? Yeah, I was wondering if we could stop the lesson here and adjourn to the playground for the rest of the day. Of course not. Now then, let's all turn to page 24 and... Miss Wormwood? YES? How about just ME, then?
+19891206 For "Show and Tell" today, I have something that will astound and amaze you! This little guy can... Have you all had your shots?
+19891207 Are there any monsters under my bed tonight? Of course not. Come under and see for yourself. Yeah, come and see. Heh heh heh. Oh right! You think I'm falling for THAT?! Who am I TALKING to if there aren't monsters down there?! Umm.. Uh.. They're all teeth and digestive tract. No brains at all. Why, we're dust balls! Yeah, LITTLE dust balls!
+19891208 EWW! What's THIS disgusting stuff?! It's spider pie. You can pick out the legs and give them to your Dad if they're too hairy for you. S-s-spider p-pie? Why, I believe we're going to have a quiet dinner for once. I know I don't feel like opening my mouth. Hey, I LIKE it!
+19891209 Want to go play outside? No, it's too much trouble. FIRST I'd have to get up. THEN I'd have to put on a coat. THEN I'd have to find my hat and put IT on. (sigh) Then we'd run around and I'd get tired, and when we came in I'd have to take all that stuff off. No way. So what are you going to do instead? I'm just going to sit here and wait for a good TV show to come on. I'll tell your Mom to turn you toward the light and water you periodically. Instead of making smart remarks, you could get me the remote control.
+19891210 I'M HO-OME! A tiny snowman! Why are you down there without a coat? Me? No reason.
+19891211 What are you doing still in bed?! I've called you three times! You're going to miss the bus! That's the idea. I'm staying in bed until Christmas. I want tons of loot this year, and I figure my chances of being good improve greatly if I don't get up. Disobeying your mother and missing the bus isn't good. It's bad. That darn Santa has got me every way I turn.
+19891212 I hate this time of the year. I've got to be good for two more weeks if I want any goodies this Christmas! I'll never make it.I TRY to be good! I DO! My heart is as pure as driven snow! It's just that, well, sometimes events beyond my control conspire against me! I'm usually an innocent bystand... HEY, I SAW you roll your eyes! So you don't believe me, eh?! ME?? By golly, each of your eyes will be rolling toward the other when I'M through with you! Ha! I hope you asked Santa for some crutches!
+19891213 Miserable miscreant! Question my integrity, will you? I can't QUESTION it until I've see some EVIDENCE of it! AUGHH! I'VE BEEN FIGHTING! Only in the loosest sense of the word. SANTA, HE MADE ME! I DIDN'T MEAN TO FIGHT! YES HE DID! YES HE DID! HE STARTED IT! I DID NOT! DID TOO! DID NOT! DID TOO! LIAR! LIAR!
+19891214 Look, Hobbes, no one SAW us fighting, right? This can be OUR little SECRET, OK? Santa doesn't have to know about this, right? Maybe he does and maybe he doesn't. OK, OK, I'll even apologize! I'm sorry. How's that? See, it's OK to fight just a little bit if you say you're sorry afterward. You bit and kicked. I SAID I was sorry! What more do you want?! You could let me read all your comic books. OVER MY DEAD BODY! "Dear Santa, know what Calvin did today?"
+19891215 Boy, if it wasn't so close to Chrismas, I'd pound you good! Yeah, I'd like to see you try! Oh no you don't! You're not tempting ME! I want every item on my Christmas list, so I'm being GOOD. No matter what the provication! Here comes Susie Derkins. Really? Quick, help me find a pine cone I can throw at... ...NO! I'm being GOOD! Good! Good! Good! You'll never make it till Christmas. Give up now and enjoy yourself.
+19891216 Hi Calvin. Are you bringing your stuffed tiger to school today? No, he's just keeping me company while I wait for the bus. Oh. But actually, he's been nothing but trouble today. He's trying to sabotage my Christmas by making me bad instead of good. Fortunately, I asked Santa for such great presents that I can withstand any temptation. I'm being an absolute angel. What did you ask for? A heat seeking guided missile. I figured five minutes with one of THOSE babies will make up for this whole rotten month.
+19891217 There. Now we need to get this on the roof. SANTA --- WEIGHTED DOWN WITH EXTRA TOYS? DROP 'EM OFF HERE! --- CALVIN. I've been thinking. They say Santa knows if you've been bad or good, right? Right. But think how many kids there are in the whole world! Nobody could be watching every kid every single minute! I mean, Santa's OLD! He probably takes naps! THe way I figure it, Santa must just make a few random checks on us once or twice a week. That's all? Sure. He'd catch enough bad kids that way to scare everyone else into being good most of the time. He'd create the impression he's watching more than he really is! Pretty shrewd. Yeah, but now that I'm on to him, I'm going to smack Susie with a snowball! If I do it quick, the odds of Santa watching me at that exact moment are virtually nil! What if Susie tells on you? Ooh, I didn't think of that! She's a girl, so she probably WOULD snitch! Phoeey. Well, I sure hope Santa's watching now, seeing as I'm being so good. Unwillingly good, but good nonetheless.
+19891218 Want to help me write a book? Sure. What's it about? Well, you know what historical fiction is? This is sort of like that. I'm writing a fictional autobiography. It's the story of my life, but with a lot of parts completely made up. Why would you make up your own life? Because in my book, I have a flame thrower!
+19891219 Still and quiet feline form, in the sun, asleep and warm. His tail is limp, his whiskers drooped, Man, what could make this cat so pooped? Sheeshh...
+19891220 Hi Mom! I'm making my own newspaper to report the events of our household. That's nice. Now, I'm looking for a page one lead story. Can I interview you? Sure. OK, what are you cutting up there for dinner? Fish. Knife wielding mother hacks ichthyoid! Grim melee is evening ritual! Suburban family decours victim! Out of the kitchen! Out! Out!
+19891221 Hi Dad. I'm making my own newspaper to report the events of our household. Would you help me out? Sure, what do you need? Well, you can take your pick. Either you can give me 15 bucks to pay my labor and production costs... 15 bucks?! ... Or you can be the subjedt of a comic strip called "Dopey Dad". So in the next panel, Dopey Dad yells, "It's bed time for YOU, young man!" Hee Hee! Look how big I made his mouth!
+19891222 Ooh hahh ooh hahh ooh hahh ooh hahh I wish we'd ged ad aquariub!
+19891223 What story would you like tonight, Calvin? Hamster Huey and the gooey Kablooie! Oh no, not again! That's what you hear EVERY night! Let's read something different! I WANT HAMSTER HUEY! I WANT HAMSTER HUEY! C'mon, we'll read a new story tonight. You'll like it, I promise. No I won't! I'll stay awake until morning if you don't read Hamster Huey! I didn't remember Hamster Huey having quite that starcastic tone of voice. Or doing everthing so FAST.
+19891224 and Santa, if I get any lords a-leaping or geese a-laying, you've HAD it. Hmm... That might not be politic. I'm getting nervous about Christmas. You're worried you haven't been good? That's just one question. It's all relative. What's Santa's definition? How good do you have to be to qualify as good? I haven't KILLED anybody. See, that's good, right? I haven't committed any felonies. I didn't start any wars. I don't practice cannibalism. Wouldn't you say that's pretty good? Wouldn't you say I should get lots of presents? But maybe good is more than the absence of bad. See, THAT's what worries me. ...OK, assuming I can get an overnight letter to the north pole, what would you charge to write me a glowing character reference? Oh no, I'm not going to perjure myself for you! MY record's clean!
+19891225 Ha ha! It's Christmas! Hurry up, Mom and Dad! It's almost dawn! Here, I got you a present. You got me a present? Gosh Hobbes, how nice! I picked it out myself! Open it! Why, it's ... It's three cans of ... Uh... Salmon. Um, thanks, Hobbes. Gee, I didn't get YOU a present. I feel terrible. I thought of that. See, you could give me mine back! That would be a GOOD present! Well then, here! Merry Christmas, Hobbes! Why, thank you! It's just what I wanted! Merry Christmas! Calvin, did you know these cans over in the pantry?
+19891226 Well, here we are, poised at the precipice of "Pallbearer Peak" on a flimsy sled! The mind recoils in horror to imagine the awful descent! Yes, I'ts a thousand food vertical drop onto a boulder field lined with pricker bushes! It's a journey calculated to exceed the human capacity for blinding fear! Read to go? Ready!
+19891227 New hat, Dad? Yep. I like it. Thank you. So do I. AAUGH! You're going to be late for work, Dad!
+19891228 You don't LIKE my "Snowman House of Horror", do you?!
+19891229 I SEE YOU, HOBBES! MAN, WHAT A LOUSY SHOT! TIGERS CAN'T THROW WORTH A ... SMACK! I just threw the first one so you'd turn around.
+19891230 A new decade is coming up. Yeah, big deal! Hmph. Where are the flying cars? Where are the moon colonies? Where are the personal robots and the zero gravity boots, huh? You call this a new decade? You call this the future?? HA! Where are the rocket packs? Where are the disintegration rays? Where are the floating cities? Frankly, Im not sure people have the brains to manage the technology they've GOT. I mean, look at this! We still have WEATHER?! Give me a break!
+19891231 I asked Dad if he wanted to see some new year's resolutions I wrote. He said he'd be glad to, and he was pleased to see I was taking an interest in self-improvement. I told him the resolutions weren't for ME, they were for HIM. That's why we're outside now. I WONDERED what the rush was. I'm getting disillusioned with these new years. They don't seem very new at all! Each new year is just like the old year! Here another year has gone by and everything's still the same! There's still pollution and war and stupidity and greed! Things haven't changed! I say what kind of future IS this?! I thought things were supposed to improve! I thought the future was supposed to be better! The problem with the future is that it keeps turning into the present.
+19900101 No text
+19900102 Before going down a steep hill like this, one should always give his sled a safety check. Right. Seat belts? None. Signals? None. Brakes? None. Steering? None. Wheeeee
+19900103 How cold is it outside? I don't know. Why don't you check? It's pretty darn cold. I'd say. Let me show you an interesting gadget that's hanging outside the window.
+19900104 No text
+19900105 This is the part of winter I like best ... when you come inside, freezing cold and soaked ... and you put on fresh dry clothes, and run up to the warm kitchen, where Mom's got a steaming mug of hot chocolate waiting for you! Mom? Mom? HEY MOM! "Calvin, I'm next door. Don't have anything to eat, or you'll spoil your appetite. Mom." It's going to be a long, cold, dark winter.
+19900106 While I'M doing this brain surgery, YOU can make a donor and do a heart transplant! Forget it, Calvin. I'm not playing with you any more.
+19900107 I've decided to be more of a "people" person, and make more friends. How come? I don't get enough presents. From now on, I'm devoting myself to the cultivation of interpersonal relationships. After all, no man is an island. We all need love and the support of others. We're social beings with social needs. So as of today, my goal is to be one with my fellow man, to develop and foster those deep connections that ... just a minute ... Hey Susie! Heads up!! Ha ha!! Augh help help I've changed my mind, Hobbes. People are scum. I think TRUE happiness can only be found in the wanton indulgence of animals.
+19900108 Look, Hobbes, my newest invention! Isn't that your transmogrifier? It WAS. But I made some modifications. See, the box is on its side now. It's a duplicator! Ah. It combines the technologies of the transmogrifier and a photocopier, so instead of merely making a reproduction on paper, THIS machine actually creates a real duplicate! So our financial worries are over? And counterfeiting is just ONE of its many uses around the home!
+19900109 Have you tested your duplicator machine yet? I was just about to. You can help. Oh boy! What will we duplicate first? Me. You?? Yeah! Mom wants me to clean my room, so I'll duplicate myself and let the duplicate do the work! Smart, huh? I can picture the look on your parents' faces when they find out they've suddenly had twins. Twins, heck! This summer I can make a whole baseball team!
+19900110 OK Hobbes, press the button and duplicate me. Are you sure this is a good idea? Brother! You doubting Thomases get in the way of more scientific advances with your stupid ethical questions. This is a BRILLIANT idea. Will ya? I'd hate to be accused of inhibiting scientific progress... here you go. Scientific progress goes "boink"? It worked! It worked! I'm a genius! No you're not, you liar! I invented this!
+19900111 The duplicator worked! Hobbes, meet my duplicate! Hey, nice room. Oog, I'm not sure I'm ready for this. OK, Dupe! Hobbes and I are going out to play. You clean my room and when you're done, I've got some homework you can do, too. WHAT?! Forget it, bub! Find some OTHER sucker to do your dirty work! Last one outside is a rotten egg! HEY! COME BACK HERE! He's a dupicate of you, all right. What do you mean? THIS guy is a total jerk!
+19900112 Where are YOU going? Did you clean your room like I asked you to? I'm going outside. Calvin can clean his OWN room. I don't want any nonsense, Calvin. Go upstairs. Calvin? I'm not Calvin. I'm his duplicate. Calvin's in his room. What did I just say? No nonsense, Calvin. Go clean your room. Boy, you ARE a crabby lady! Who are you? Calvin's cruel governess? That does it!
+19900113 C'mon, Hobbes. We'd better go find my duplicate before he gets me in trouble. I'm telling you, lady, you've got the wrong guy! I'm a duplicate of Calvin! Calvin is in his room! We'll see abou tthat. Give me your coat. See, Calvin? There's no one here. Now that's enough games. Clean your room, OK? Calvin? I don't see him, Hobbes. Maye he's outside, huh? We'd better hurry. I think I hear your Mom coming down the stairs.
+19900114 The distant planet Z-12. Distant, that is, to everyone but Spaceman Spiff! The fearless explorer Spaceman Spiff cruises over the desolate dunes of an uncharted planet! No vegetation covers the rolling terrain. Millions of years of harsh exposure without an atmosphere has swept the surface clean. What strange chemicals must compose this alien soil! Crossing a rift, the rocks abruptly change color! ZOUNDS! A huge mountain suddenly rises out of the plain! Our hero pulls up! Over the top, Spiff discovers that it is not a mountain at all! The whole landscape is... is bedding for a horrendous monster! Zg! Mf! Huh? All right, what time is it?! The creature appears hostile! With no time to lose, our hero readies a hydro bomb!
+19900115 Calvin! What are you doing outside? Didn't I just send you to clean your room two minutes ago?! No. I did too! Now get back upstairs. I'm losing my patience for this game! She must've found my duplicate! C'mon Hobbes, we'd better hurry before he gets us in more trouble! Number three, hi! I'm number two! Charmed.
+19900116 Mom said she sent me upstairs a minute ago! That must've been my duplicate! What a mess this is turning out to be! You said it! HE gets in trouble, but I'M the one who gets blamed! We'd better straighten him... AAUGH! Your duplicator is a big success. Oh no! Are you kidding? It burned out after the fifth one of us!
+19900117 Oh no! My duplicates made duplicates! Hi, we're numbers two through six! Hobbes, what am I going to do?! Better tell your Mom to put out the extra table settings. Look, you guys have to stay in here and be real quiet! If my Mom finds out about this, she'll have a fit!
+19900118 I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm going to get some cookies!
+19900119 Calvin, you know you're not allowed to eat cookies before dinner! Put those away! Did you clean your room yet? I'm not Calvin. I'm a duplicate. I don't want to hear about it. Now move! Ood, some days that kid of mine ... WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN HERE?! Why? Are you taking a survey?
+19900120 I'M HOME! Hi. Hi, Calvin. Hi. I SAID Hi. Hi. Knock it off, Calvin. Dear, have a talk with him. He's been driving me crazy.
+19900121 No text
+19900122 OK duplicates, listen up. As long as you're all here and I don't know how to get rid of you, we might as well cooperate. Specifically, with five duplicates, we can divide up the school week so there's one duplicate for each day. If the rest of us lay low, we can take turns going to school, and no one will be the wiser! Great! Now that still leaves us with the question of who gets the bed tonight. We'll fight you for it.
+19900123 Hi Calvin. I'm not Calvin. I'm duplicate number two. What are you talking about? We drew straws, and today's my day to go to school. We're all taking turns so we each only go once a week. Calvin, you are so weird I'm not even going to talk to you. I'm not Calvin. I wish I lived some-place where I went to a normal bus stop. Are you in Calvin's class? Will you help me find his locker?
+19900124 Calvin, would you please demonstrate the hoemwork problem you were assigned yesterday? I wasn't here yesterday. Yes, you were, Calvin. Didn't you do your problem? I'm not Calvin. I'm duplicate number five. Duplicate number TWO was here yesterday, not ME. We're all taking turns. Number two wil be back next week, and you can ask him to do the problem THEN. Look, I don't see what's so hard about this!
+19900125 Guys? It's OK to come out! It's me, number four. I'm home. How was school today? Ahh, I got sent to the Principal's office, just like numbers two and five did. Geez, you guys! Even I don't get sent to the principal every DAY! You're making me look bad! Look, Calvin, if you don't like our performance, you can go to school YOURSELF! Whoa, let's not jump to conclusions! I'm just saying there's room for improvement. Hey four, were you able to swipe any chalk? Yeah! The principal never frisked me!
+19900126 Hobbes, we've got to get rid of these duplicates! All they do is get me in trouble! Everyone thinks I'M doing all these rotten things, when really it's a duplicate! I'm being framed by my own doubles! RUN! HIDE! OUTTA MY WAY! It appears you've just perpetrated another crime. The worst part is that I don't even have the fun of doing the stuff I'm getting blamed for.
+19900127 All right, what did you guys do NOW? You'd better hide, Calvin! Your Mom's on the warpath! CALVIN? She's coming! Quick, get under the duplicator box! There you are! What have you got to say for yourself? I want an explanation for this behavior! Tell her you need a bigger allowance! Yeah! Five TIMES bigger! Um, can I get back to you on this, Mom? NO.
+19900128 Nyup nchyp. I think a burp died trying to get out of my mouth. I'm thursty. THUMP. Monster eyes! HELP! HELP! IT'S AFTER ME! IT'S GOT ME! I CAN FEEL IT'S TERRIBLE FANGS! CRASH BONK Sleepwalking again! Let's go back to bed, honey. You had a nightmare. Oh, it was YOU! It sure is creepy having a friend whose eyes glow in the dark. It's so we can see people who might be sneakin out of bed to fix a snack without making arrangements to share.
+19900129 Boy, Mom sure did read ME the riot act, didn't she? I have an idea. Psst. Calvin! Is the cost clear? Did your Mom go away yet? Can we come out now? Oh no! Your Mom's coming back! There she is! Stay in the box, guys! Keep quiet! Yikes! Shh! Hobbes, you're a genius! I don't hear her. Do you? Hey, what's going on out there?
+19900130 So long, duplicates! What do you mean? We're not going anywh... ZAP! What did you transmogrify them into? Worms! Worms?! Well, I didn't want them to be unhappy... Cool! Look at us! Ha ha! Let's go gross someone out!
+19900131 Well Mom, you don't need to worry about me getting into trouble any more. Oh really? Yup. See, I made these duplicates of myself, and THEY were the ones who were bad, not me. Uh huh... But NOW look! I transmogrified them! OH CALVIN! DON'T CARRY WORMS THROUGH THE HOUSE! OUT! OUT! Well there! You got me in trouble one last time. I hope you're happy! You sure you don't want to put us on your Dad's dinner plate before we go?
+19900201 Well, Hobbes, I guess we learned a valuable lesson from this duplicating mess. And what is? And that is, um... It's that, well... OK, so we didn't learn any big lesson. Sue me. Live and don't learn, that's us.
+19900202 WHAP! DID YOU THROW THAT?!? Throw what? Let me see your mittens! There, look! Flecks of bark, pieces of gravel, spots of mud, and granules of ice! That was YOUR snowball, all right! That's the problem with having a signature style.
+19900203 HA! YOU MISSED BY A MILE! NYA NYAHH! THBPTBH! Yes? You're darn lucky I didn't get a snow blower for Christmas!
+19900204 AAAAAA I think these comic books he reads are much too grim. Must be! Just look at him twitch.
+19900205 QUIZ: Jack and Joe leave their homes at the same time and drive towards each other. Jack drives at 60 mph, while Joe drives at 30 mph. They pass each other in 10 minutes. How far apart were Jack and Joe when they started? It was another baffling case. But then, you don't hire a private eye for the easy ones ...
+19900206 I'd planned to take the day off and spend time with a couple of buddies. My buddies travel light and they're fun to have around. One travels in a holster, and the other in a hip flask. My name is Bullet. Tracer Bullet. What people call me is something else again. I'm a private eye. It says so on my door. The last thing I wanted this morning was a case to solve, but the dame who brought it was persuasive. Most dames are, somehow. Get to work, Calvin. I told her it would cost fifty greenbacks a day, plus expenses.
+19900207 I stepped out into the rainy streets and reviewed the facts. There weren't many. Two saps, Jack and Joe, drive towards each other at 60 and 30 mph. After 10 minutes, they pass. I'm supposed to find out how far apart they started. Questions pour down like the rain. Who ARE these mugs? What were they trying to accomplish? Why was Jack in such a hurry? And what difference does it make where they started from? I had a hunch that, before this was over, I'd be sorry I asked.
+19900208 First I figured I'd try the Derkins dame. Susie and I never hit it off, although occasionally we hit each other. Susie had a face that suggested somebody upstairs had a weird sense of humor, but I wasn't going to her place for laughs. I needed information. The way I looked at it, Derkins acted awfully smug for a dame who had a head for numbers and not much else. Maybe she's got something on Jack and Joe. The question is, will she sing? No, I won't tell you what the answer is. Do your OWN work!
+19900209 The Derkins dame wasn't talking. Someone had gotten to her first and shut her up good. I knew Susie, and closing her mouth would've taken some work. I needed a clue and a drink. One of them I knew where to find. You've made enough trips to the water fountain. Finish your quiz. Suddenly a gorilla pulled me in an alley, squeezed my spine into an accordion, and played a polka on me with brass knuckles. Youse ain't going nowhere, flatfoot.
+19900210 The inside of my head was exploding with fireworks. Fortunately, my last thought turned out the lights when it left. When I came to, the pieces all fit together. Jack and Joe's lives were defined by integers. Obviously, they were part of a "numbers" racket! Back in the office, I pulled the files on all the numbers BIG enough to keep Susie quiet and want me out of the picture. The answer hit me like a .44 slug. It had to be the number they called "Mr. Billion". Answer: 1,000,000,000. Case closed! Time's up. Bring your papers forward. What did you get, Calvin? I think the answer's 15.
+19900211 Uh oh, here comes Calvin... The incurable weirdness poster child. Hi Calvin. What's with the mask and bucket? HMPH. This is a poem! Please do what you're told! And here is a bucket of water ice-cold! Please take this water, and dump it on me! Don't hesitate! Do it A.S.A.P.! Just wait till YOU touch the "pernicious poem place"!! Oooh, you'll be sorry THEN! Whee! I love playing CalvinBall! This is a bag flag zone!
+19900212 I missed the bus, Mom. Oh no. Hurry! If we jump in the car, you can zoom up, pass the bus on a straghtaway, drop me off at a later stop, and I can ride the bus from there! C'mon! What are you waiting for? Rev up the car! Mom's so lazy.
+19900213 Readyyy.. Aimmm...
+19900214 Bedtime, kiddo. Aw, Mom! Can't I watch the next program? No, you need your sleep. C'mon. Can I watch another 15 minutes? Please?? OK, just 10 minutes! Then I'll go straight to bed! Five minutes! Just five minutes, OK? Turn off the TV. Look, I'll just watch a few more commercials, OK? See, here's my favorite gum commercial! I guess that got pretty pathetic.
+19900215 Oh NO! I just remembered that today is "Show and Tell" day! I need something to show and tell about! Why can't you think of these things more than two minutes before the bus comes? What can I take? I've gotta take something! I've ...ah... ACHOOO Never mind, Mom! Do we have any plastic bags? I don't want to know. I don't want to know. I don't...
+19900216 See? SEE? Starboard is RIGHT! PORT is left! OK, so I was wrong for once in my life! Shut up.
+19900217 AARGHH! I MISSED! It's these fuzzy mittens! The snow STICKS to 'em and you can't throw straight! Darn it! Darn it! Darn it! I HATE these fuzzy mittens! If only Mom had gotten me padded gloves instead of these no-good, awful, rotten fuzzy mittens! WHAP! Well I'll be! My fuzzy mittens HAVE pads!
+19900218 GRGHHG rGHHHH GRRGH RGGHH SNORRTT GHACKHGG Heh heh heh... Sorry... A litle sinus congestion... Sighhh...
+19900219 WUMP!
+19900220 ANY dumb kid can build a snowman, but it takes a genius like me to create ART. This snow sculpture transcends corporeal likeness to epxress deeper truths about the human condition! This sculpture is about grief and suffering! One look at the tortured countenance of this figure confirms that the artist has drunk deeply from the cup of life! This work shall endure and inspire future generations!
+19900221 Still making snow art? Yep! Yesterday your sculpture melted. This time I'm taking advantage of my medium's impermanence... This sculpture is about transcience. As this figure melts, it invites the viewer to contemplate the evanescence of life. This piece speaks to the horror of our own mortality! Hey stupid! It's too warm to build a snowman! What a dope! Ha ha ha ha! A philistine on the sidewalk. Genius is never understood in its own time.
+19900222 How's your snow art progressing? I've moved into abstraction! Ah. This piece is about the inadequacy of traditional imagery and symbols to convey meaning in today's world. By abandoning representationalism, I'm free to express myself with pure form. Specific interpretation gives way to a more visceral response. I notice your oeuvre is monochromatic. Well c'mon, it's just snow.
+19900223 Dad, if you threw a snowball at someone, but deliberately missed, would that be 'bad'? Well, I suppose that would be provoking, so yes, it would be a little bad. As bad as if you'd hit the person? No, not THAT bad, but worse than if you hadn't thrown it at all. Suppose you just GRAZED the person. How bad would that be? Say maybe you knocked off his hat and his glasses or something. That would mean instant death.
+19900224 Boys, this pudding was great! Can I take a bowl upstairs to Hobbes? No, I think you've had enough. I didn't say for ME. I said for HOBBES! Well, I don't think "Hobbes" needs any either. WHY NOT?! Um... Because tigers need to stay lean and mean. That's what she said. I'm lean! I'm mean! Tell her chocolate pudding makes my coat lustrous.
+19900225 There's Venus. There's Mars. And there's Jupiter. And I'm STUCK here. On a clear night like this, you realize how incomprehensible the universe really is. I wonder what early man must have thought as he watched the skies. He'd see he was an infinitesimal part of creation, but he'd have no understanding of planets or stars or comets or anything. Imagine how big and mysterious the night would've seemed to him! I'll bet he felt very fragile and afraid, don't you think? ... Hobbes? Hobbes?? ... h-hello? Anyb-body?? AUGH! WUMP! I'll bet THAT's what he felt like! Saber-tooth tiger food! From now on I'm going to stay inside all night and watch TV.
+19900226 Why should I go to school?! Why can't I stay at home? Why do I have to learn? Why can't I stay the way I am? What's the point of this? Why do things have to be this way? Why can't things be different? Life is full of mysteries, isn't it? See you this afternoon. At 7:00am, Mom's not very philosophical.
+19900227 All set? Yep! OK, get read! NOW! SMASH Too bad the back of the camera opened when we landed. That would've been a great picture.
+19900228 Ha! I've got a great word and it's on a "double word score" box! "ZQFMGB" isn't a word! It doesn't even have a vowel! It is SO a word! It's worm found in new guinea! Everyone knows that! I'm looking it up. You do, and I'll look up that 12-letter word YOU played with all the Xs and Js! What's your score for ZQFMGB? 957.
+19900301 Hey, no TV until your homework is done. It's getting done. Not with you sitting HERE, it isn't. Hobbes is reading my book for me. After I'm done watching TV, he'll tell ME what the book was about, and I'll tell HIM what the TV shows were about! See, we're doing twice as much in the same amount of time! Mom says YOU should watch TV and I should read the dumb book. Ugh, I only like nature documentaries.
+19900302 Hey Twinky, gimme a quarter. WHAT?! Why should I give you my money?! It's for the "Let Calvin Live Through The Recess Fund." Sounds like a worthy cause. His motto is "Give before it hurts."
+19900303 MOMMM! I NEED A DRINK OF WATER! Mphhh... Calvin, it's after midnight. Get a drink yourself. I can't. There are monsters under my bed! I'm scared. OK... Ok... Ok... AAUGH
+19900304 They must've taken out an insurance policy on me... sighhh... ...sighhh...
+19900305 OK Hobbes, toss up this deck of cards, and I'll plug the ace of spades! Oh boy, a shooting trick! Go! BLAM bAM POW ZING BLOOIE BANG Here it is! Wow! Six clean holes through the ace! Pretty good, huh? Want to know how I did it? I used a hole puncher ahead of time! Hmm, on second thought, I'll fold. Hey, what's with this deck?!
+19900306 This morning I had a wonderful dream. By holding my arms out stiff and pushing down hard, I found I could suspend myself a few feet above the ground. I flapped harder, and soon I was soaring effortlessly over the trees and telephone poles! I could FLY! I folded my arms back and zoomed lower over the neighborhood. Everyone was amazed, and they ran along under me as I shot by. Then I rocketed up so fast that my eyes watered from the wind. I laughed and laughed, making huge loops across the sky! ... That's when Mom woke me up and said I was going to miss the bus if I didn't get my bottom out of the bot. 20 minutes later, here I am, standing in the cold rain, waiting to go to school, and I just remembered I forgot my lunch. Tuesdays don't start much worse than this.
+19900307 I did it! I did it! Somehow I imagined the experience would be more rewarding.
+19900308 Hewwo! Is Hobbesie-wobbsie sweepy? Ooh, he's just a bog snoogie-woogie, isn't he? Yes he IS! Hewwo, snoogie woogie! GLOMP! HEY HEY! Ow! LEGGO, YOU BLOODTHIRSTY CARNIVORE! OW! OW! OW! I can see why little tabby cats are so much more popular.
+19900309 Once upon a time, there was a ... Hold it. You know what I'D like to see? I'd like to see the three bears eat the three little pigs, and then the bears join up with the big bad wolf and eat Goldilocks and Little Red Riding Hood. Tell me a story like THAT, OK? And how should Hansel and Gretel meet THEIR untimely demise? The witch eats them and then the wolf eats the witch.
+19900310 Hey Dad, can I take the gas can for the lawn mower out in the back yard? Wah on earth for? It's 8;00 at night! I want to pour gasoline in big letters on the lawn... ...and set fire to it so airplanes can read it as they fly over! NO, you can't do that! Don't be ridiculous! I don't even want to know what he intended to write.
+19900311 I'm hooOaaGHhH! AAAAAAAAA If you ache, it's because you don't properly stretch before exercising. I didn't know I was going to BE exercising!!
+19900312 Do you... I mean, does HOBBES want any tuna fish this week? No, Hobbes stopped eating canned tuna. You know they kill dolphins to get it. OK, I'll put it back. So what does Hobbes like now instead? Fresh swordfish steaks. He likes them grilled outside. Mm-hmm. How about peanut butter?
+19900313 Here's some clean clothes. Will you put them away, please? Hey, my underwear isn't pressed! Neither are my socks! You didn't finish ironing. Buddy, if you want your underwear ironed, you can do it yourself! What kind of mother ARE you?! She should take more pride in her work.
+19900314 I asked Mom if I was a gifted child... She said they certainly wouldn't have PAID for me. You can relate this little story when reporters ask how I went bad.
+19900315 Mom! Hobbes is reading my comic books! Tell him to stop! I told him to go buy his own, and he SNaRLED at me! Make him give 'em back! Maybe you should be glad he's more literate than most stuffed animals. But they're MY comic books, not HIS! Well, you should learn to share. I don't think Hobbes will hurt them. Are you kidding?! He drew a mustache and glasses on every picture of nuke-man last issue! In PeN! Why don't you go play outside, Calvin?
+19900316 How's your math coming? I don't DO math any more. I decided I'm more of a "visual" person. Good. Visualize being the only 45-year-old in first grade. Visualizing a few sums now, eh? Actually, I'm visualizing YOU in traction. Help me do these, OK?
+19900317 Hey Hobbes, I'll give you 20 questions to guess what I have in my hands, OK? OK. Is it loathsome? Yes! Is it some big centipede with poison pinchers? Centipedes have poison pinchers? I think so. Man, it's a good thing you guessed it so fast! With you, it's never too difficult.
+19900318 It says here that "Religion is the opiate of the masses." ... what do you suppose that means? ... it means Karl Marx hadn't seen anything yet. What are you watching? Garbage. This show would insult a 6-year-old! And I should know. So why watch it? All the other shows are even worse! Why watch TV at all then? There's nothing to do. Nothing to do?! You could read a book! Or write a letter! Or take a walk! When you're old you'll wish you had more than memories of this tripe to look back on. Undoubtedly.
+19900319 Where do we keep the extension cords? In the pantry, on the bottom shelf. Where do we keep the blades for Dad's electric saw? In the... Why do you want to know? Huh? Oh, I'm just making an inventory list so we'll always know where to find things. I get the feeling there was no right answer to that question.
+19900320 Calvin, come out from wherever you're hiding and take your bath! Do you hear me, Calvin?! I mean NOW! OH NO! LOOK AT YOU! AUGH! GET OFF THE RUG! Like it's MY fault she hasn't gotten the chimney swept.
+19900321 Mom! Mom! I just saw the first robin of spring! Call the newspaper quick! Ha ha! A front page write-up! A commemorative plaque! A civic ceremony! All for me! Hooray! Hooray! Oh boy! Should I put the prize money in a trust fund or blow it all at once? Ha ha! I can't believe I did it! Calvin... It's a hard, bitter, cruel world to have to grow up in, Hobbes. Cheer up! Did I tell you I saw a robin yesterday?
+19900322 I sure like chocolate frosted sugar bombs! Look how brown the milk gets! Ugh. Want to see something weird? Look at the nutritional information on the back panel. Wow. 100% of the daily recommended allowance of caffeine! Hey look! You can send away for a chocolate frosted sugar bombs "Buzzy the Hummingbird" doll!
+19900323 Eenie, meenie, miney, moe! Catch a tiger by the toe! If he hollers, um... Uh... Heh heh... Who writes these dumb things anyway?
+19900324 County library? Yes, do you have any books on homemade bombs? That's what I said. I need a book that lists supplies and gives step-by-step instructions for building, rigging and detonating them. Well what about your other branches? Don't THEY have any books like that? Boy, and people wonder why kids don't read.
+19900325 What should we have Dad read us tonight? ... so in the next panel, Supertoad goes "Plooie" and ... "My what big teeth you have! Said little Red Riding Hood. The better to eat you with! Said the wolf ... tiger ... said the tiger, and he pounced on Little Red Riding Hood. Just then a hunter came by, and when he saw the wolf ... tiger ... when he saw the tiger he picked up his gun and ... and? ...and it was too late. The tiger ate them both and he lived happily ever after. The end." Good story Dad! Thanks! Sniff. I always cry at happy endings.
+19900326 I'M FREE! I'M FREE! At last! Home sweet ho... Oh no. Hoo hoo! That was a GOOD one! Look how far we landed! A house with a tiger is never home.
+19900327 Look at you! How could anyone get so dirty at school? I got this dirty just trying to walk in the front door! Ol' catapult butt was lying in wait for me. Well, it doesn't matter. You'd better get in the tub now anyway. A BATH?! But it's the middle of the afternoon! Yes, but I have to get in the shower before your Dad gets home, so HE can take one. Why all the baths? Is there some epidemic going around? I told you this morning we're going out tonight. Rosalyn will be here at 6:00.
+19900328 Look, I know you don't like Rosalyn, but she's the only babysitter I could get. And you remember our talk after what happened LAST time, don't you? I want you on your best behavior tonight.You do exactly what she tells you. I don't want to come home and hear any horror stories, OK? For goodness sake, Calvin! Take a breath before you pass out on the floor!
+19900329 What are we going to DO, Hobbes? Rosalyn will be here in just a few hours! Do you think she'll remember how you locked her outside last time? If she does, we're dead! She'll probably stick my head on a stake in the front yard as a warning to OTHER kids she baby-sits! I'm almost sure that would violate some zoning ordinance. Well, no matter what, we're in big trouble unless we think of something FAST! I suppose we could try being GOOD. I must've gotten water in my ear. WHAT did you say? Nothing. Forget it.
+19900330 Hi Rosalyn, come on in. Thanks for coming again. No trouble. Hi Rosalyn! You don't need to worry THIS time. Calvin will be on his best behavior tonight. Even so, I'd like an advance. An advance? But... But... Dear, may I speak with you for a moment? But we GAVE her an advance on tonight when she LEFT last time! I don't care. Just pay what it takes to get us out of here!
+19900331 OK, we're going. ... and Calvin? Yes? GCKKHHK! I think I'll sit in the middle of the floor and look at the wall tonight. Good. I'll tell you when it's bedtime.
+19900401 Man the harpoons! Thar she blows!! Can Hobbes take a bath too? No, Hobbes doesn't need one. Hold still. By golly, what if I drown because nobody was here to rescue me?? Hobbes! C'mere! Mom can't know you're in here, okay? I'll disguise myself with bubbles. Hmm ... you need a hat. Hang on, and I'll get one of Dad's. I like his gray one the best. Maybe you should wear a tie, too. I'll be right back. Better hurry! I think I hear your mom coming! Dear! Why are you taking a bath?!? ... and wearing your best hat!!
+19900402 This is awful! If we step out of line ONCE tonight, Rosalyn will kill us, and then Mom and Dad will kill us again when they get home. I guess that's that. What?! Admit defeat? NEVER! Things may look grim for us, but NOTHING is grim for... ...STUPENDOUS MAN! Champion of Liberty! Foe of tyranny! I'm going to get in bed now and avoid the rush.
+19900403 A bolt of fiery crimson streaks across the sky! It's STUPENDOUS MAN! The fiendish baby sitter girl has a local household in her iron grip of terror! The man of mega-might zooms to the rescue! I'm in luck! Baby sitter girl is momentarily distracted! Hi Charlie, it's Rosalyn. Yeah, I'm over at the little monster's house again. Hmm? No, actually he's been pretty good tonight. Yeah, I can't believe it.
+19900404 Anyway Charlie, I'm sorry we couldn't go out tonight, but this little creep's parents are so desperate to get away from him once in a while that they... YAHH! FREEDOM AND JUSTICE SHALL ALWAYS PREVAIL OVER TYRANNY, BABY SITTER GIRL! Get off me, Calvin, you pest! Ow! Let go! Quit it! STUPENDOUS MAN has the strength of a million mortal men! Give up! Listen Charlie, I'm going to have to call you back. You wouldn't believe what this cretin is wearing. With muscles of magnitude, STUPENDOUS MAN fights with heroic resolve!
+19900405 OK Calvin, you want to play rough, huh? Great moons of Neptune! She must have super powers too! You've got TWO seconds to get your caped butt in bed, or I'll put it there for good! Oh no! The evil Amazon is using some psycho-beam to weaken my stupendous will! I'm counting! ONNNNE... *Gasp* I... I... must resist! TWO! In a vermillion flash, STUPENDOUS MAN is in the air!
+19900406 With stupendous speed, STUPENDOUS MAN is out the door! All right, Calvin! Where'd you go?! I know you're out here! Your parents told you to BEHAVE tonight, remember?! They're not going to be happy when they hear about THIS! See, if we had bought a dog instead, like I wanted, we could go out like this all the time. Honey, we came here to relax. Let's talk about something else.
+19900407 There is no way I'm getting paid enough for this kind of aggravation. How could a kid with such little legs go so fast?! Secure in his secret fortress, STUPENDOUS MAN plans his strategy! Baby sitter girl is no match for STUPENDOUS MAN's stupendous intellect! Calvin, you're in big trouble if you don't come out! You made it back alive! Of course! I made a stupendous dash as soon as Rosalyn went around the house! She STILL doesn't know where I am!
+19900408 HEY, CALVIN! Are we near a slaughterhouse, or did you forget your deodorant?! DROP DEAD, SUSIE! You're so ugly, I hear your Mom puts a bag over your head before she kisses you goodnight!! It's shameless, the way we flirt. What's it like to fall in love? Well... say the object of your affection walks by... Yeah? First your heart falls into your stomach and splashes your innards. All the moisture makes you sweat profusely. This condensation short circuits to your brain, and you get all woozy. When your brain burns out altogether, your mouth disengages and you babble like a cretin until she leaves. THAT'S love?!? Medically speaking. Heck, that happened to ME once, but I figured it was COOTIES!!
+19900409 There goes Rosalyn around the house again. She still doesn't know you sneaked back inside. Now I'll change back into my secret identity alter ego! Uh oh. She saw the light on in this room. She's coming in! Quick! Get in the covers! Pretend we've just been reading in bed! But she knows you attacked her and ran outside half an hour ago! That was STUPENDOUS MAN! Not mild-mannered Calvin! I'VE been in bed with my PJs since 8:00. You think she's going to believe THAT? My covers are here. My pajamas are HERE. It's as plain as can be!
+19900410 All right! I found you! Found?? Why, what do you mean? I've been in bed reading all evening with Hobbes. Don't give me that! You just now sneaked inside, took off your silly costume, and jumped in bed! I know what you did! Well you're gonna get it NOW, bucko! Oh yea? What are you going to do to me, huh? You can't send me to bed when I'm already IN bed! Sorry to spoil your fun, you eel! OK. Downstairs! MARCH! Hey, you can't take me OUT of bed! I need my SLEEP! Hey! Hey!
+19900411 While your Dad is taking Rosalyn home, perhaps YOU'D like to explain what happened tonight. Gosh Mom, what's to tell? At 8:00, I put on my pajamas, brushed my teeth and went straight to bed. Nothing happened. And this? Uh... LIES! All lies! Rosalyn made me do that just so I'd get in trouble! She hates kids! None of that is true! I went straight to bed! Nice try, Pinocchio. Well, who'd have thought Rosalyn would make me write a full confession?!
+19900412 No TV for a week! What injustice! They think they've won, but they haven't! I'LL show 'em! I REFUSE to learn a lesson! I'm indomitable! They can't change me! I'll sit in front of the TV all week even if I can't turn it on!
+19900413 Dad, will you explain the theory of relativity to me? I don't understand why time goes slower at great speed. It's because you keep changing time zones. See, if you fly to California, you gain three hours on a five-hour flight, right? So if you go at the speed of light, you gain MORE time, because it doesn't take as long to get there. Of course, the theory of relativity works only if you're going west. Gee, that's not what Mom said at ALL! She must be totally off her rocker. Well, we men are better at abstract reasoning. Go tell her that.
+19900414 Mom, can we go out to the highway? Do what? See, I'll put on my roller skates and tie a rope from the car bumper to my waist. Then when I give you the high five, you patch out while I ride behind at 55 mph! What do you say? Can we go? I sure wish YOU could drive.
+19900415 Hey Mom, can I drive now? No. How about NOW? KLUNK Oh no! Oh you stupid car! What's wrong with you NOW?!? That's it, Mom! Go ahead and swear! We don't mid! CALVIN, BE QUIET! Want Hobbes and me to go get help? You stay where you are, I'll look under the hood. Kick the car, Mom! It works on the TV! Look at all these cars going by. Nobody's stopping to help. Let's blow the horn! Maybe someone will come. BEEEEEP! Beep! Beep! AAUGH! HOORAYY!! Someone stopped! We're heroes!! Want me to call a tow truck, lady? First call the police and report an infanticide.
+19900416 Wow! Nobody is on the swings! I can't believe it! Ha ha! I almost NEVER get a swing at recess! This is great! No one is telling me to hurry up! Higher! Higher! Whee! ... either this is my lucky day, or I missed the end-of-recess bell again.
+19900417 Hey Calvin, didn't you sign up to play baseball at recess? No, why? You must be the only boy who didn't. All the others are playing in the back fields. You mean I'm the only boy on a playground full of GIRLS?! It sure looks like it. Want to ride on the teeter-totter with me? Oh no! I'm in COOTIE CENTRAL! I haven't had my shots! Relax. Stupidity produces antibodies. Air filter! Air filter!
+19900418 Why didn't you sign up to play baseball like the rest of the boys? Didn't you like sports? I dunno. I'd just rather run around. I hate all the rules and organization and teams and ranks in sports. Somebody's always yelling at you, telling you where to be, what to do, and when to do it. I figure when I want THAT, I'll join the army and at least get paid.
+19900419 Hey, lookit the sissy who didn't sign up for recess baseball. I'm not a sissy! Oh yeah? You'd rather play dolls on the playground with girls. I wasn't playing with dolls! Sure you weren't! Let me see your Barbie doll, you sissy wimp! I'm not a wimp! In fact, I was going to the office to sign up for baseball right now! Then again, if I'm not a wimp, why am I taking the path of least resistance?
+19900420 I signed up to play baseball every recess and I don't even like baseball that much. I mean, it's fun playing baseball with just YOU, because we both get to pitch, bat, run and catch all at once. We get to DO everything. Mostly we just argue over the rules we make up! That's the part I like! But this will be with TEAMS and assigned positions and an umpire! It's BORING playing it the REAL way! Do you have know HOW to play the real way? See, that's another problem! Suppose they make me a halfback. Can I tackle the shortstop or not?
+19900421 I hear you signed up to play softball at recess. Yeah, but I didn't even want to. I just did it to stop getting teased. Well, sports are good for you. They teach teamwork and cooperation. You learn how to win graciously and accept defeat. It builds character. Every time I've built character, I've regretted it! I don't WANT to learn teamwork! I don't WANT to learn about winning and losing! Heck, I don't even want to COMPETE! What's wrong with just having fun by yourself, huh?! When you grow up, it's not allowed. All the more reason I should do it NOW!
+19900422 Aachoo! Gesundheit! Okay! How many monsters are under my bed tonight? Just one. That's good Hobbes! We outnumber him! Hee hee! Wanna get him? Yeah! See if you can reach the baseball bat! Heh heh! Quit shoving you hogs! Mommmmm! Nice going Maurice.
+19900423 C'mon, let's go outside and try some catches before dinner, OK? A little practice will make you more confident tomorrow at recess. I hate these father-son things. Go out a little bit, and I'll hit you a grounder. Why did I sign up for this? I should just move. Ready? Now, be sure to run up to the ball. Don't just let it roll to you. Are you OK? Sometimes the ball bounces up like that, and you've got to be ready. Thags for the tib, Dad. Fide my node and put id in ice so they can sew id bag od!
+19900424 Goodness, what happened?! You were only out there a minute! A grounder bounced up and hit Calvin on the nose. I'B BLEEDIG! BY ODE DAD ID TRYIG TO GILL ME! Hold your head back, honey. Here's some more tissues. I'b nod playig badeball eddy more! Nebber again! I hade it! Sit still so the bleeding can stop, OK? I guess we can forget having a millionaire baseball player support us in our old age. Dear! All my charagder id drippig out my node!
+19900425 How's the nose? It finally stopped bleeding. I guess that means I have to go to school tomorrow. My whole life is a disaster. I get injured just trying to learn the skills it takes to play a game I don't even want to play! Your nose is probably all clogged up now, huh? *snrkk* yeah, why? If you snore, I'm tilting the bed so you role out of the window. It's always nice to have a sympathetic friend to talk to.
+19900426 I see you're bringing a glove today. Did you sign up for recess baseball? Yeah, don't remind me. You're lucky that GIRLS don't have to put up with this nonsense. If a GIRL doesn't want to splay sports, that's fine! But if a GUY doesn't spend his afternoons chasing some stuped ball, he's called a wimp! You girls have it easy! On the other hand, BOYS aren't expected to spend their lives 20 pounds underweight. And if you don't play sports, you don't get to make beer commercials!
+19900427 Mr Lockjaw? I'm Calvin. I'm supposed to be on team five now. Oh yes, you're the one who signed up late. Hmm... OK, you go play left field. Left field. OK, I know that. Let's see, if I'm HERE, then left field would be... That way. Play DEEP left field. I guess this is pretty dep.
+19900428 I think baseball is the most boring game in the world. I've been standing out here in deep left field all this time, and not a single ball has come out here! Actually, I suppose that's just as well. I don't know what base to throw to anyway. In fact, I'm not even sure I can throw that far. Hey, what's everyone doing? Are people switching teams, or what? The guys at bat are now out HERE! Well, I'm sure someone would tell me if I was supposed to be doing anything different.
+19900429 Ready? Let me check what the deductible is on my insurance policy... Munch munch. Would you care for a soft dring? OK. H-h-here y-you a-a-are! Any dessert? No, thanks. We'll be landing shortly. The captain has turned off the seat belt sign. Thank you for choosing Calvin's flight Z40 non-stop to Stoney Gulch. Next time I won't take the dinner flight.
+19900430 Our hero, the fearless Spaceman Spiff, is marooned on the most distant planet in the galaxy! There's no hope of rescue from this bleak and isolated world! Oh, what a desolate place to be trapped! Spiff tries desparately to repair his disabled spacecraft! CRACK High fly to left field! Who's out there?! Our hero pauses. There's some commotion on the horizon. ALIENS! Spiff grabs his blaster!
+19900501 Where's the left fielder?! Somebody catch it! Left field?! Hey, that's ME! Wow! A high fly right to me! I got it! I got it! I caught it!! HE CAUGHT IT! IT'S AN OUT! WAP! I'm just a natural athlete, I guess. Hey, who's HE? Isn't he on the other team?
+19900502 Hey, look who made the out! It's CALVIN! Heck, it was nothing, guys. When you're in top physical condition like me, you can... You moron! What were you doing in the outflied?! It's a new inning! We're up to BAT! Huh? You caught the ball for the wrong team! You got our own guy out! What a dweeb! What a jerk! What an idiot! Oops, I dropped the catch. It doesn't count now, right? Get him off our team, Mr Lockjaw! Can I hit him with the bat? Please? Please??
+19900503 Hey stupid, if you're going to get OUR guys out, why don't you join the other team?! What were you doing in the outfield? Don't you even know how to play?! C'mon guys, it's just a GAME! This is supposed to be fun! Games are only fun when you WIN, bonehead! You're gonna make us LOSE! If you screw up again, you're dead meat, Calvin! Who taught you how to play anyway? Your grandmother? Wait till I tell the other teams about THIS! Mr Lockjaw, I don't want to play any more. There's too much team spirit. OK, quitter! Goodbye.
+19900504 I don't understand it, Hobbes. The kids teased me when I DIDN'T play baseball. Then they yelled at me when I DID play. Then the teacher called me a "quitter" when I STOPPED playing. Unless you're a star, you can't please ANYone. In that case, why not just please yourself? Because Mom won't let me move to Madagascar.
+19900505 It's Saturday! What do you want to do? Anything but play an organized sport. Want to play Calvinball? YEAH! No sport is less organized than Calvinball! New rule! New rule! If you don't touch a 30-yard base wicket with the flag, you have to hop on one foot!
+19900506 How come we play war and not peace? Too few role models. I'll be the fearless American defender of liberty and democracy ... and you can be the loathsome godless communist oppressor. We're at war, so if you get hit with a dart, you're dead and the other
+19900507 Today for "Show and Tell", I have a souvenir from the afterlife! Yes, you heard right! Equally amazing is my own story of yesterday afternoon, when I actually died of boredom! I was doing my homework, when I suddenly collapsed! I felt myself rising, and could see my crumpled body on the floor. I drifted up in a shaft of light and entered the next world! Eventually, my heart started again and I came back to life... but not before bringing THIS back! A yo-yo? It was pretty boring THERE, too. Let's have a look at that homework.
+19900508 And so, having eaten her fill, the mother bird returns to her nest... ...where she regurgitates the worms to feed her hungry brood.
+19900509 ...sighhhhhh... CALVIN, PAY ATTENTION! AUGH There's no head rest on this chair! I should sue for whiplash!
+19900510 Hey Mom, did you feel anything funny when you got dressed today? Funny? What do you mean? Well, tickly maybe... or scratchy? Anything like a bite or a sting? WHY? And what have you got behind your back?! Um... here, you may want these. Well, heh heh, gotta run! Women! Always changing their clothes! After I get that kid, you're next.
+19900511 This time I'm really going to learn how to ride that bicycle! Balancing on two wheels is just as easy as balancing on two fee... I'd say that crossed the line from ironic coincidence to evil omen.
+19900512 I don't want to do my homework. I want to have FUN. TOO MUCH STRESS IS UNHEALTHY, YOU KNOW! I don't see why I had to come in.
+19900513 Did you ask your Mom if you could jump off the roof? Questions I know the answers to I don't need to ask right? Is this blanket big enough? Perfect! See, I'll just grab all the corners and make a parachute! You can watch as I float to the ground, gently as a leaf. Geronimo!! Crunch! His Mom's going to have a fit about those rose bushes.
+19900514 I've come up with a new system for doing homework. I call it "effective time management", or "ETM" for short. I've drawn up a schedule for each school subject, and I use this kitchen timer to monitor my pace. Thanks to ETM, I'm much more efficient, and my work goes faster! RINGG There! My math minute is set up! Set the clock for my spelling assignment, OK? Um, your schedule calls for smaller time increments than this clock can measure.
+19900515 No I won't take a picture of you.
+19900516 KA ZAM! What?
+19900517 EWW! What IS this?! It looks like COMPOST! Mom doesn't appreciate me.
+19900518 Hey Hobbes, what's a "paper tiger"? It's like a paper boy. You know, a tiger with a newspaper route. Oh. This book makes no sense at all.
+19900519 Hey Dad, would you pay me a dollar to eat a bug. No, you'd have to eat a bucket of bugs before I pay you a dollar. A whole bucket? Or I'd pay you a dollar to pick up sticks in the back yard. All my REAL skills are undervalued.
+19900520 Hey Dad, remember our car? Why sure. Wait a minute, what do you mean, "remember"? Hobbes, I have a conjectural moral question. Maybe you can help. Sure. Suppose I did something bad, should I tell Dad? How bad are we supposing? Well, hypothetically, let's say pretty bad, like to his car, hypothetically. How bad, hypothetically, to his car? Well, let's pretend it was REAL bad. Should we pretend it could be fixed? If we imagined he could FIND the car, we could pretend it might be fixed. I see. You can keep the book. I'll call the bus station. Que Pasa, Senorita? I am el fugitivo!
+19900521 On a distant planet Zark, we find the empty red spacecraft of our hero, the bod SPACEMAN SPIFF! Uh oh! Up ahead, the rocks are charred with death ray blasts! A violent struggle took place here! And only the tracks of a large, sinister alien leave the scene! What has happened to the earthling explorer? Calvin, this is humiliating!! I don't want to go! Put me down!
+19900522 Spaceman Spiff is being held prisoner by hideous aliens! What do they want with him? Spiff is soon to find out! Our hero is called before the alien potentate! ... where it becomes clear that Spiff is about to be sacrificed... ... to appease the evil god they call "nollij"! Up to the blackboard. Hurry up.
+19900523 Staring death in the face, our hero thinks fast. Inching closer to the sacrificial pit, Spiff slowly and smoothly reaches for the tiny atom blaster concealed in his belt! YAA! All right, you bloodsucking mutant chromosomal disasters! Nobody move! I'm outta here! Calvin, give me that rubber band right this minute! I SAID NOBODY MOVE!
+19900524 Spiff escapes! The dank and smelly corridors of the alien fortress are deserted! All the aliens had gathered for the spectacle of our hero's demise! The fearless space explorer makes it to the planet surface, but the alien queen is in pursuit! Calvin, get back here! Spiff jumps into the cockpit, pressurises the launch thrusters, and... blasts off! Our hero is safe! Tomorrow: Or IS he??
+19900525 Calvin! What are you doing home?! It's not even noon! Uh, they let us out early today. There was, um, a gas leak. WHAT?! Does anyone know you left?! I'm calling the school. Don't waste your time! Everyone was evacuated! There's nobody there! Hello? Elementary school office, please. Our hero hadn't counted on running into a zark enforcer ship! Spiff's evasive maneuvers come to naught! This could be the end!
+19900526 Boy, I sure got in big trouble TODAY! Mom hit the roof when she found out I just left school. What happened? She drove me back and we had to talk to my teacher AND the principal! They talked about study habits, and now I've got extra homework! Ooh. And Dad is going to check it every night to make sure it's done right! Can you believe it?! So try to do an extra good job now, OK? You're lucky tigers are so smart.
+19900527 I'm taking the umbrella outside. Well, that's showing a little foresight for once. Good for you. Wait a minute. You really think this will work? Of course! Let's go! Smash! Bonk bonk bonk. Look! I'm flying!! I had my eyes shut. How was it? Great! What a ride! Let's get some other kids and charge 'em!
+19900528 UFOs! Are they real?? Have they landed in our towns and neighborhoods? Do the chilling photographs by an amateur photographer really show a sinister alien spaceship and the grim results of a close encounter, or are the pictures an elaborate hoax? Listen to an expoert on space aliens speculate on their hideous biology and their horrifying weaponry! All this and more... ...on Calvin's show and tell ... NEXT! Calvin, will you come here please?
+19900529 Twitching tufted tail, a toasty tawny tummy: a tired tiger. ... an alliterative haiku by Calvin. Thank you, thank you. Sheesh.
+19900530 You know how people look at modern art and always say, "My 6-year old kid could do that!"? Well, that gave me this great idea! I've decided to become a forger and get rich passing off fake paintings to museums! A lot of paintings sell for tens of millions of dollars now, so I make a pretty good hourly rate. You should probably scratch out the copyright date on the cartoon stationery. Ooh yeah, glad you caught that!
+19900531 "Once upon a time there was..." Hold it. This story doesn't have any shoot-ups in it, does it? You mean guns? No. Any violence at all? Um... not really. Any references to satanism? Any profanity? Any car chases? Any lewd parts? Of course not! What makes you think I'll like this?
+19900601 Hey Mom, want to see something great? With one sip from this ordinary can of soda, I can burp for almost ten seconds straight! Calvin, I don't... But that's not all! At the same time, I'll also recite a gross limerick I learned at school! ...Ready? Maybe if you recited the Gettysburg addres... Forget it. My talents are wasted on her kind.
+19900602 Well, look who's up! Good morning sleepyhead! You've missed the best part of the day! I've been up since 6:30 getting many things accomplished! At least when I have a day off, I can tell the difference. I just KNOW some nurse switched the bassinets.
+19900603 Honey, we have to leave soon. Is Calvin taking his bath? Oh good. While I'm taking my bath, you can brush your teeth and comb your hair. Right. Your dad won't mind if I use his cologne, will he? Well, go easy this time. Think I should shave? No, go for the Don Johnson fuzzy look. Here's a tie and one of my sport coats. Perfect! Right out of "GQ"! boy, I look good in anything, don't I? Refresh my memory. How did I get talked into this one? My friend would like to see the wine list.
+19900604 CLICK. Pander to me!
+19900605 Playing a record? I'll show you something interesting. Compare a point on the label with a point on the record's outer edge. They both make a complete circule in the same amount of time, right? Yeah... but the point on the record's edge has to make a bigger circule in the same time, so it goes faster. See, two points on one disk move at two speeds, even though they both make the same revolutions per minute!
+19900606 On your mark... get set... GO! I'M going so slow, I'm moving BACKWARD! I'm winning! That's cheating!
+19900607 Hello? Hi Dad! Calvin, is this important? Oops. Wait. Foget I called you "Dad", OK? This isn't Calvin. Calvin, I've got work to do. I'll see you when I get home. OK? Goodbye. Wait! Do you have any crimes to report? Phooey. This secret identity stuff is hard to get used to.
+19900608 Want to see something cool? I've got a baby tooth that's just hanging by a thread... and I can turn it all the way around with my tongue... or make it swing from side to side! See? See? They're all just jealous.
+19900609 LOOK! I don't see anything. You missed it. Well, I'm done. What did he see? An opportunity.
+19900610 Wanna go catch some fish? Sure. Ugh. I don't want to touch these worms will you put one on my hook? Me? I'm not gonna spear any worms. I know ... let's just dump the worms in the water, and when the fish come up to eat them, we'll catch them in the net! Pretty smart, huh? That's what I like about surviving in the wild ... pitting our wits against the raging elements! The worms are getting soggy. Ooh, they are starting to sink. Bloop bloop bloop. Let's pit our wits against some fast food cheesburgers. Those come in neat little boxes. Yeah, who'd want to eat something that eats worms anyway?
+19900611 I don't feel so good. You don't look so good. Let me feel your forehead. Summer vacation started! I can't be sick! Your head's hot. I'll get the thermometer. NO! I REFUSE! FORGET IT! I HATE THERMOMETERS! I still don't believe her that these things take two hours to register. Now be nice and quiet and I'll check on you this afternoon.
+19900612 Ooh, I itch! This is worse than bug bites! Whatever it is, it's driving me crazy! COOL!
+19900613 Yep, that's chicken pox all right. CHICKEN pox?! Mom, what IS this guy? A veterinarian? The virus should run its course in about a week. He's mad! MAD, I say! I'll be the REAL doctor is tied up and gagged in the other exam room! He's extremely contagious, so keep him away from other kids. Sue him, Mom! Drive his malpractice insurance up! Calvin has to be INSIDE for a WEEK?? That's a nasty twitch you've developed. Hey Doc, for 10 bucks I'll make sure you see those kids in the waiting room again real soon!
+19900614 Hello? Hi Susie! It's me, Calvin! I was wondering if you'd like to come over and play. Why sure! Boy, I don't think you've EVER invited me to... Calvin, what are you doing? Nothing, Mom. Go away. You're contagious! You can't have anyone over to play! Shh! Shh! You'll spoil the whole thing! I was going to trick Susie into catching... hey! Let go! Ow! *CLICK* Any chance of getting transferred, Dad?
+19900615 You're absolutely positive tigers can't catch chicken pox? Right. You're absolutely POSITIVE tigers can't catch chicken pox? Go to bed, Calvin.
+19900616 See, the chicken pox are going away. That's good. Well, just remember that this week doesn't count. Doesn't count? Right. Summer vacation days don't count if you're sick. I get to start school a week later now. So I get my full allotment of vacation. OK, what's the NEXT amendment say? I know it's in here someplace.
+19900617 We've got a baby sitter tonight. Ready? Ready. Calvin the baby sitter is here! We're going! Be good, ok? Hi there. You must be Calvin. Hmmph. You're not my mom. So I don't have to do anything you say. I'm going to do whatever I feel like so just stay out of the way. Calvin, take a look by the telephone and tell me what you see. A note Mom left with emergency numbers. Right. Now you wouldn't want me to have to call any of those numbers, would you? Well. It must be 6:30. Guess I'll turn in. for eight bucks a night, I don't put up with much.
+19900618 Can I be excused? There's a TV show I want to see. We're still eating dinner, Calvin. I'M through. This stuff was awful. I want to go watch television. It's impolite to leave the table in the middle of a meal. So what am I supposed to do? Just sit here and watch you guys chew?! I'll miss my show! Your TV show isn't as important as spending some time together as a family. We'll compromise. I'll go watch a sitcom family. In a minute you're going to discover the difference between those and real life.
+19900619 My TV show is starting. I'm missing my show! I'm sure your instinct for survival will kick in shortly. What's the big deal about dinner?! Why can't I go watch TV? Lots of people watch TV while they eat! Calvin, dinner is the one time during the day that we set aside to be together and talk. There's more to being a family than just living in the same house. We need to interact once in a while. We could all argue over what channel to watch. You know what I mean.
+19900620 I've missed half of my TV show now. I hope you're happy. You shouldn't be planning your life around the TV anyway. Hmph. Look, I don't think it's too much to ask that we sit together for 40 minutes without distractions and interruptions. RINNGG! I'll get it! I'm expecting a call. Go ahead, Dad. I believe you were saying something funny. I have all these great genes, but they're recessive. THAT'S the problem here.
+19900621 C'mon Hobbes, we have to go outside. We HAVE to? Yeah, Dad won't let me watch TV. He says it's summer, it's light late, and I should go run around instead of sitting in front of the tube. Can you believe it?! What a dictator. How cruel it is to be forced to play. I'LL show him. I refuse to have fun.
+19900622 OK, next we'll race to that tree over there. THIS race will determine the championship of the universe. Oh... wait. How long have we been out here? I dunno. An hour maybe. Really? Geez. Where does time go?! Hang on, I'll be right back. I'M NOT HAVING FUN!
+19900623 It's getting dark, Calvin. Time to come in and go to bed! But Hobbes and I were catching fireflies. Can't we stay out a little longer? Ha! First you didn't want to go out, and now you don't want to come in! See, by not watching TV, you had more fun, and now you'll have memories of something real you DID, instead of something fake you just WATCHED. Nothing spoils fun like finding out it builds character.
+19900624 What's that smell? Either mom's cooking dinner, or somebody got sick in the furnace duct. Boy, does it stink in here! What are you cooking for dinner?! Whatever it is I'm not eating it. I'm stewing some monkey heads. Monkey heads? They'll be soggy enough to eat in about twenty minutes. Really?? We're having monkey heads! We are not ... are those really monkey heads? I've never had monkey heads before! I wonder what they're like. Wow! Monkey heads! Mm ... kinda squishy. Oow look, is that a nose? What's this? Brains? I didn't think they'd be so rubbery ... what? I thought these were stuffed peppers. Honey. What the heck is this?? Whatever it is I'm not eating it!
+19900625 Hop in, Hobbes! We're going to get rich! Oh no, I'm not getting into that box. I don't want to be transmogrified or duplicated or whatever. What? When the TOP is open, it's a time machine, remember? Even worse. Oh, don't be such a baby. The way you act, you'd think the dinosaur actually GOT us last time. Why, it wasn't even a carnivore. I don't care. You and that box are plain bad news.
+19900626 Too bad you're not going back to the jurassic with me. An opportunity like this doesn't come along every day, you know. The less often, the better, is what I say. We're just going on a photo safari! When we come back with REAL dinosaur photos, we'll get rich! You can drop the "we" stuff. I'm not going. OK, well, I guess I'll have to eat all these great snacks myself then. Snacks? What kind of snacks? Are they GOOD snacks? How many snacks did you bring?? Never mind! You said you're not going.
+19900627 I guess if we get to have snacks, it would be OK to time travel. If they're GOOD snacks, I mean. Great! Put on your vortex goggles. The dial is set for 140 million years ago. So OFF WE GO-O-O! I have a question. Why don't we get younger as we go back in time, and disappear as we pass the day we were born? I'd explain it, but there's a lot of math. I thought you got a "D" in math.
+19900628 Is it time for snacks yet? Hobbes, we're travelling at light speed through an interdimensional continuum lapse! Wait till we land! OK, I'll just inventory the snacks and record them for the journal. You COULD help me drive, you know! If we miss our exit, we could fly right into the big bang! What would happen then? There'd be no universe, and probably now time! I think we should eat the snacks NOW. Sit still, will you? You'll make me swerve.
+19900629 There's a diplodocus! We're in the jurassic! We made it! Ugh. I can't believe you wanted to come back here. Last time we didn't bring a camera. All we need is a few good dinosaur photos and we'll be rich when we get home. If we get in National Geographic, maybe I'll get to meet some of those tigress babes they showed in the April issue! Yow wow! Those were females? Really, I don't know how you can even tell the difference.
+19900630 Hey! There's a chance to get some pictures of some stegosaurs! See, these photos will answer hundreds of questions about dinosaur anatomy and behavior! Paleontologists will pay through their nose to see these! Take a picture of this one. He's smiling. Just a minute. Just a minute.
+19900701 No Earthling has ever before seen the cratered, scarred surface of the distant planet Zog! ... although it's not unlike some of those zit cream commercials ... we join the fearless Spaceman Spiff interplanetary explorer extraordinaire, out at the farthest reaches of the galaxy ... with nerves of steel, our hero sets forth on his dangerous mission! He fires his hyper-jets and ... blasts into the fifth dimension! Into a world beyond human comprehension! Into a world where time has no meaning! Man, this class lasts forever! So we carry the three into the tens column ...
+19900702 What's THIS ugly brute called? AN ALLOSAUR! I'm right here. You don't need to shout. RUN! When we get back to the time machine, throw him the snacks we packed! Maybe that will diver him while we take off! You can throw YOUR snacks. I might still want mine. You're going to be a snack yourself! Get in! Get in!
+19900703 Quick! Thow him the food! My sandwich had mustard. Is this one yours? Put on your vortex goggles! We're taking off! Eww, this banana is mushy. He can have THIS. We did it! We're off! Here. Boy, that was a close call. Bit it will be worth it when we get these pictures developed. Since I rescued your sandwich, can I eat it?
+19900704 Hey Mom, guess where Hobbes and I have been! I SAW where you were. You were playing in a cardboard box out back. Nope! That's just what it LOOKED like. We time travelled to the jurassic, but we returned at the split second we left! That's why it didn't look like we were gone! We saw lots of dinosaurs! Well, you've had a productive morning then. Yeah. Will you take this film to be developed? I'll pay you back
+19900705 Hobbes, look! We got our pictures back from our jurassic trip! Oh boy! Let's see! Wow, these came out good! Look at that apatosaur! There's me! There's me! Yes! Yes! We're RICH! Ha ha! Now we can get our own apartment! This dinosaur blinked. I'll buy a car too, but since I can't drive for another decade, we'll have to get a chauffeur. If we pay him, he has to let us sit up front and beep the horn, right?
+19900706 Well Dad, it's too bad you weren't any nicer to me all these years. Beg pardon? Yep, I can't say I'm particularly including to share my future millions with you. Here, look. Dinosaurs? Hobbes and I went to the jurassic today and came back with these dramatic photographs! We're going to be rich. I didn't realize dinosaurs looked so small and plastic. HEY, WHAT ARE YOU INSINUATING?!
+19900707 Dad doesn't believe we went to the jurassic and took photographs of real dinosaurs. He says it looks like we just put my toy models in the yard and took pictures of THEM! He says our get-rich-quick scheme won't work. Huh! He said if we REALLY wanted to get some money, he'd pay us a dollar to pull weeds out of the front walk. Just a dollar? Of course I told him we didn't want the money THAT bad.
+19900708 Wap! Thok! Poom. Wunk. Nice double play. Who's out? It depends are you on my team or am I on your team?
+19900709 Hey Mom, if we were cannibals, what parts of people would we eat? What? You know, where would the steaks be? Would legs be like drumsticks? Would kids be like veal? Ughh! Go be disgusting somewhere else! Out! Some people just don't have inquisitive minds.
+19900710 Ever notice how the older people get, the slower they do things? I wonder why that is. I would think that the less life you had left, the faster you'd want to do everything, so you could pack more into the remaining years. You can bet when I'm a geezer like Dad, I'll be going like a maniac. Oh great.
+19900711 Better hurry. Your Mom's yelling something.
+19900712 Easy... easy now... that's it... Steady, boy... easy... nice bike... AUGH! PHPPBT!
+19900713 Wow, what happened to YOU?? That darn bicycle tried to killme! You fell off? It took me 40 minutes to subdue it to the point where I could climb on, and then it bucked me right over the handlebars! You fell off. THEN it tried to run me over! It's out to kill me! I'm lucky to be alive! Well, balancing takes a little practice. Do you have a rifle? Will you shoot it?
+19900714 Maybe we should get your inner ear checked.
+19900715 Calvin, quit horsing around! Hobbes is crowding me. This is my half of the seat. Got it stripeypants? That is your side! You stay over there! I see that!! Calvin, I'm trying to concentrate be quiet. Hobbes poked me. I don't care what Hobbes did! Just be quiet until we get out of this traffic. Hee hee! Stop it you heard Dad! Hoo hoo! Gkpthb! We're going to get in trouble. Mmp mp! Hee hee! Hee hoo ha hee ha ha! Calvin! I thought I said I wanted it quiet!! We were having a weird face contest Dad. But we're all through now. You won.
+19900716 Hi Calvin! What are you doing down there? SHH! SHH! Get down! Be quiet! Have you seen my bicycle? No... Thank goodness. If my bike doesn't get me first, I'm going to cit all its spokes in two. You never saw me today, got it? Our class voted Calvin the "Most likely to be seen on the news some day."
+19900717 Want some oil? See? Nice oil? Wouldn't you like some? Easy... Easy... Rrrr YAA! I got you now! You're going to the scrap heap, you rabid pile of rusty AAH OW WHOA DOWN! I NEVER got MY face caught in the chain when I learned to ride a bike. Really, how did this happen? I TOLD you! Ow!
+19900718 That stupid bicycle! I hate it! I'm never going to ride one as long as I live. CREEAAKK W-what's that? AUGHH! MY BICYCLE HAS BEEN LYING IN WAIT! IT'S COMING TO GET ME! HELP! HELP! S-see? It's trying to k-kill me! It was just a dream, honey. ...but why on earth did you bring your bike upstairs to your closet?
+19900719 Calvin, will you take this to the garbage can in the garage please? The GARAGE?? Are you mad? I WILL be, if you don't hop to it. But that's where my killer bicycle is! I can't go out there! It'll jump me! I don't want any nonsense. Just do what I asked, OK? Rrrr. I wonder how far from this house my savings would get me.
+19900720 Psst! Hobbes! What are you doing up there? Hiding from my killer bicycle. It can't climb trees, so I guess I'll stay here for the rest of my life. You should just wedge a big stick through the spokes of the front wheel. That way when the stick hits the fork, the wheel will jam and the bike will flip over. Hey, that's a GREAT idea! Hobbes, you're a lifesaver! We could mosey over to the kitchen if you're wondering how you can possibly thank me enough.
+19900721 I did it, Hobbes! I put a stick in the spokes of my killer bicycle! When it tried to chase me, it flipped over! I wrestled it to exhaustion, and then I let the air out of its tires! Ha! I guess that nasy ol' thing won't be coming after me any more! We're too smart for it! Man triumphs over machine! Training wheels! What a good idea! I pumped up his tires too. They were both flat.
+19900722 Guess what's short and ugly and wet all over! ... give up? The answer had better not be what I think it is ... squirt squirt squirt squirt! Yow! Squirt squirt squirt squirt! Bang bonk bing! Calvin! If you're going to tear around do it outside!! Okay, okay ...
+19900723 A toast to us! To us! Best friends forever! Right! CRUNCH CRUNCH CRUNCH CRUNCH
+19900724 Hi Dad. I suppose you're wondering how you're doing in the polls. Not really. I think you'll find THIS chart quite revealing. This line represents the "Average Dad approval rating" of 70%. This overlay shows YOUR approval rating at just under 10%! Household six-year-olds were polled on their favourite bedtimes. Watch on these successive overlays how your rating would improve with each hour later! See, by midnight, you're right up to normal! These findings suggest a logical course of action. How long do you spend making these charts?
+19900725 My tiger, it seems, is running 'round nude. This fur coat must have made him perspire. It lies on the floor - should this be construed as a permanent change of attire? Perhaps he considers its colors passe, or maybe it fit him too snug. Will he want it back? Should I put it away? Or use it right here as a rug? Z. I wonder when school starts.
+19900726 People don't understand me. They don't realize I'm a card-carrying genius. You have a card? Oh absolutely. See, it says "Calvin, certified genius." Wow, you have a certificate? Well, not really, but no one every checks those things. I just say it's at the frame shop. Pretty smart. I'm a genius. How did you emboss this card? With a screwdriver?
+19900727 AAHH! How am I supposed to learn surgery if I can't dissect anything?
+19900728 You know what cracks me up? Ants RUN everywhere! It's like they all think they have to be somehwere on time! See, they never walk or poke along. They go everywhere at top speed! Isn't that silly? C'mon around back. I'll show you something else!
+19900729 It's another new morning for Mr. Monroe. He glances at the newspaper headlines over a cup of coffee, and gets in his red sports car to go to work. Little does he realize it's his last day on the face of the earth! Calvin drinks the magic elixer and begins an incredible transformation. Instantly he grows! Bigger and bigger! Higher and higher! He is now over 300 feet tall! The formula is a success! Calvin, the mighty giant, goes on a terrible rampage, striking fear into the hearts of the populace! Nothing can stop him! It's panic in the streets! A town lies in ruins! No, I won't buy you any more toy cars. I saw you! You deliberately stomped on those!
+19900730 With a distant rumbling, great thunder clouds pile high into the sky! Suddenly there's a blinding flash of light! It's Calvin the lightning bolt! In a fraction of a second, the house below will be in a million pieces! I know it's raining out, but play a board game or something.
+19900731 Every day it's the same old thing. ... but not today! Everybody's a slave to routine.
+19900801 Can I get some contact lenses? Your eyes are fine! You don't need contacts. Yes I do! They have some that change the color of your eyes! Your eyes are very pretty the way they are. But if I had contacts, I coul dmake one eye blood red and the other yellow striped, like a bug. I dunno, it seems like once people grow up, they have no idea what's cool.
+19900802 Geez, I gotta have a REASON for everything?!
+19900803 Boy, when it's THIS hot, I don't want to do anything at all! Fortunately, that was our plan from the start.
+19900804 ME, TARZAN! KING OF THE JUNGLE! THUMP THUMP. Nice underpants. Does your Mom know you're over here like this? I don't think Jane EVER said that to Tarzan.
+19900805 Hey, mom, are you nervous? No ... why? Calvin, go outside and quit bugging me! Calvin the bug buzzes off! Flying low over the grass, he searches for dead meat! Up and over the flowers, darting this way and that! Oh no! he's caught in a spider web! Thrashing about in a desperate bid for freedom, he only becomes more entangled! Soon the spider will suck out his innards! Help! I was going to join you in the hammock, but I think I'll forget it.
+19900806 Don't you get hot wearing long pants in summer? Why don't you wear short pants? What's the matter? What did I say? SHORT PANTS TOUCH MY FEE, OK?!!
+19900807 Aw Mom, you act like I'm not even wearing a bungie cord!
+19900808 WAP! BONK Gosh, we're BOTH out!
+19900809 Oh boy! Cooked-out hamburgers! They may be charred on the outside! They may be raw on the inside! But at least they've got that special outdoor flavor! ... of lighter fluid! MM-MM, when do we eat? Whaddaya mean tomorrow?!
+19900810 I like toys that make a lot of racket. That's the problem with this wagon. It doesn't make much noise. AIEEEE! AUGH! WHOAA! OOMPH! OOH! Fortunately, WE do.
+19900811 YAAH! Oops. He just does that to show he COULD'VE snuffed me.
+19900812 Go on "three" ok? One ... Two ... Two and a half ... Ready ... Set ... Go! Pit Pat Pit Pat Pit Pat Pit Pat. Pittida Dittida Pittida Dittida. Chooga Chooga Chooga. Eeewyeeowww. Gasp. I can't believe it! No sonic boom! Not even a 'pop'! I heard a pop. But I think it was my lungs.
+19900813 Do you support the free expression of ideas in our society? Sure. That's first on our bill of rights. So you would be against censorship and suppression of ideas you found distasteful. Right. You've got to take the bad with the good. So you wouldn't object to me being exposed to art, movies or music that some people think is offensive and shocking, right? OK, first let me explain about our responsibility to be culturally educated and able to MAKE critical distinctions about... YOUR STALLLLING!
+19900814 Hmmmm rub rub rub GRR SNARLL Hmmmm rub rub rub
+19900815 Sometimes I feel like our life has gotten too complicated... that we've accumulated more than we really need... that we've accepted too many demands... Well, Thoreau says, "Simplify, Simplify". Maybe that's what we need to do. But how? I hate it when they look at me that way.
+19900816 Hello? Hi Dad! It's me, Calvin. Calvin, unless this is REALLY important, hang up, OK? I'm very busy. OK, Dad. Goodbye. This should qualify in another 15 minutes.
+19900817 Calvin, I asked you to clean up your room. I DID! Well, you didn't do a very good job, then. It looks as messy as it did before. You should take pride in what you do, and always do the best job possible. I don't need to do a better kob. I need better P.R. on the job I DO.
+19900818 Huhh UHH! I wouldn't be worried about this if he was a better student.
+19900819 Wanna toss the ol' pigskin around? Heck no. Phooey. The center snaps the ball! The quarterback looks for an opening! The defense disintegrates beneath the coming onslaught! The quarterback jumps and dodges! Hobbes breaks clear! Calvin passes! An amazing catch! Hobbes is at the 30 ... the 20 ... the 10 ... but he's tackled from behind and laterals to Calvin so he can make the touchdown! But Calvin fumbles the ball and Hobbes recovers it! But a penalty is called on the play and Hobbes is sent to the bench! Hobbes defects to the other team and is greeted with enthusiastic cheers! The crowd goes wild! Calvin prepares to cripple the traitor with an illegal face mask pull! Hobbes defies him by pouring out of his mouth guard onto Calvin helmet! Boy, you can see why football is such a violent game! Hobbes' team gains a yard! All the cheerleaders come out for smooches!!
+19900820 This meeting of top-secret club GROSS (Get Rid Of Slimy Girls) will come to order, supreme ruler and dictator-for-life Calvin presiding! Hear hear! President and first tiger Hobbes will now provide us with an attendance report. All present and accounted for, sir! Excellent! Now club secretary general Hobbes will review the minutes. It's 10:32. Thank you. At this time we'll have a field report from top scout Calvin! You can tell this is a great club because we have so many officers.
+19900821 Herewith, a field report filed from head scout Calvin! What news, scout? The enemy has been sighted on the sidewalk two doors down, Mr President. The enemy? Susie Derkins, an acknowledged GIRL! I recommend we establish a strike force? Its objective? To bug her! Sounds risky. Men, any volunteers?
+19900822 OK, here's our plan. I'll be the strike force commander. You'll be the special agend in charge of munitions. We'll fill up a water balloon and sneak up on Susie through the back yard! I get to be the official cartographer and map our hiding places and escape routes! Yeah! And I'LL be the code expert and make an unbreakable code! Oh boy! Let's get some paper! I hope Susie doesn't go anyplace for a while. OK, here's the United States...
+19900823 There! I finished our secret code! Let's see. I assigned a totally random number, so that code will be hard to crack. For letter "A", you write 3,004,572,688. "B" is 28,731,569 1/2. That's a good code all right. Now we just commit this to memory. Did you finish your map of our neighbourhood? Not yet. How many bricks does the front walk have?
+19900824 We've got our map, our code, and our water balloon! Let's go soak Susie! Our map says first we run to the big tree out back. Now to the bush out front! Now to the ditch out back! Now to the tree out front! In case you're wondering - this is to lose anyone who might be tailing us. I'm writing a message in code. How do you spell "nincompoop"?
+19900825 We made it to Susie's yard! But where's Susie? I don't see her! ARGHH! We go to all this trouble to launch an attack on her, and what does she do? She MOVES! All our great plans are for naught! A whole morning ruined! Maybe she just went in for lunch, see, she left some of her toys out, so she's probably planning to come back. That gives me a FABULOUS idea! Uh oh.
+19900826 Gravity is arbitrary! Calvin wakes up one day to find he is immune to the force of gravity. He hangs on to the ground for dear life, but his grip is weakening! He can't hold on! He ... he let's go! Aaaaa. Higher and higher, as upward he falls! Only by grabbing the tail pin of a passing jet does Calvin save himself from being hurled out into space! No, no, let him finish. This is very interesting, so after you landed in Phoenix, what happened? Well, I don't care. I'm not sewing velcro on the outside of all his clothes. Well, about then my gravity came back, so I ...
+19900827 What are you doing? That's Susie's doll. I know. C'mon, let's scram. We can't take her doll! That would be STEALING! No it wouldn't. Are we going to give it back? If she pays the ransom.
+19900828 Hey, where's Binky Betsy? I know I left her right here when I went inside. Did somebody TAKE her? Everything else is still here. Where did my doll go?! IF YOU WANT TO SEE YOUR DOLL AGAIN I always like cut-and-paste. How much should we ask for? A hundred dollars?
+19900829 Mom, I can't find my doll. Have you seen it anywh... DING DONG Hmm, there's nobody here. What's this note? "Susie, if you want to see your doll again, leave $100 in this envelope by the tree out in front. Do not call the police. You cannot trace us. You cannot find us. Sincerely, Calvin."
+19900830 It's a RANSOM note! That dirty Calvin stole my doll and he wants me to pay $100 to get her back! Of all the nerve! He can't get away with this! Why, that stinky little... Wait! There's something else in this envelope. A PHOTO OF BINKY BETSY TIED TO A CHAIR!! What a great club! How are you going to spend YOUR $50?
+19900831 Let's stroll down the sidewalk REAL CASUALLY and see if Susie put the hundred bucks out by the tree yet. Great! Lovely day for a stroll, eh Hobbes? I certainly enjoy my afternoon constitutional! Yes, it's quite invigorating! Look! Look! There's the envelope! She did it! We're rich! Oh boy! Let's sneak up and get it! C'mon you louse. C'monnn... I don't see Susie. Do you?
+19900901 You stand guard and watch for Susie while I count the money and make sure it's all there! Hey, there's no money in here at all! There's just a note! It says, "Now we're even!" Now we're even?? What's THAT supposed to mean?! Hobbes? HOBBES!
+19900902 Do you think boogeymen really exist? I don't know. ... but if they do, I'm sure this is where they live. That was the creepiest campfire story I've ever heard. Let's get back to the tent! I don't think I'll ever sleep again. Shh! What? Did you hear something?? Didn't you? I don't know. What did it sound like? Sort of like breathing and drooling and ripping the meat off human bones. Yaahhhh. You were right. I'm glad we carried a generator all this distance.
+19900903 COME BACK HERE WITH HOBBES! PUT HIM DOWN! HOBBES, BITE HER! BITE HER! Ha ha! Nyahh! Nyahh! SLAM GET AWAY FROM OUR DOOR WITH THAT DRILL!
+19900904 Oooh, that rotten Susie! I hate her! I hate her! She'd better set Hobbes free! So I kidnapped her stupid doll! She didn't need to RETALIATE! Can't she take a JOKE?! Girls have NO sense of humor! That's their whole problem! All this was funny until she did the same thing to me.
+19900905 All right, Susie, I brought your dumb doll back! Now let Hobbes out, OK? Fair's fair! I dunno, Calvin. I'm thinking I might rather have your tiger. You can keep Binky Betsy. Aahh! I don't want a DOLL! This is yours! Take it! Oh, you'll grow to like her, Calvin. She has the cutest accessories you can buy! No! No! I want Hobbes! Take this! But I think Hobbes likes it better here with ME. HE DOES NOT!
+19900906 Look, Susie, I'll give you your doll AND I'll give you a quarter, OK? It's all I have. Will you let Hobbes out NOW?? All right, here. And next time, leave my stuff alone. Got it? Right! Sure! Jerk. What kind of tiger ARE you?! You didn't even maul her! What were you DOING there?! Wouldn't YOU like to know!
+19900907 I've got to say, Hobbes, it doesn't give our club a lot of credit when the First Tiger is a willing captive of the enemy. THBPTB We stole HER doll, and I'm the one who had to pay ransom! It's a disgrace! You get 15 demerits for besmirching the club's reputation, plus five demerits for conduct unbecoming an officer, and a censure in the book club for not devouring Susie when you had the chance. Hmm, anything else? I almost told her our code when she rubbed my tummy. GOOD GRAVY, WHOSE SIDE ARE YOU ON?!
+19900908 Well, this is certainly a sorry chapter in G.R.O.S.S. history! First tiger Hobbes, a traitor to the cuase! It might interest you to know that after I won Susie's confidence, I did some spying. Spying? You were a spy? I read an open page of Susie's diary. Wow! Deep in enemy territory, you intercepted a secret message? What did it say? It said, "Calvin is a pig-faced smelly fat-head!" Then our club is a success! Brilliant work, Hobbes! Promotions for everyone! Welcome back!
+19900909 Spaceman Spiff is hit! He's going down! Fortunately, our hero always buckles up! The fearless Spaceman Spiff has crashed on a distant world! The planet's atmosphere is thick with noxious fumes and gases! Our hero can hardly breathe. Spiff must find help quickly ... but is there any life on this hostile world? His question is answered when a hideous blob of of gelatinous muck oozes out of a crevice toward him! Spiff's blaster is useless against the slime! Our hero tries to escape, but the suffocating stench envelops him! What a disgusting fate! Yechh! I sure wish I'd brought my lunch today! That's gross, Calvin! If you don't like the cafeteria's tapioca, just leave it alone!
+19900910 Help me with this homework, OK? What's 6+3? 6+3, eh? Well, this one is a bit tricky. First, we'll call the answer "Y", as in "Y do we care?" Now, Y may be a square number, so we'll draw a sqare and make this side 6 and that side 3. Then we'll measure the diagonal. I don't remember the teacher explaining it like this. She probably doesn't know higher math. When you deal with high numbers, you need higher math. But this diagonal is just a little under two. OK, here, I'll draw a bigger square.
+19900911 Hey, no comic books until you finish your homework. I DID finish. That didn't take very long. Did you do a good job? I did a GREAT job. When you're as far ahead of the class as I am, it doesn't take much time. We'll see about that when I get back from my parent-teacher conference with Miss Wormwood. You're going to talk to my teacher? I'm sure it will be an informative meeting. Gosh, I forgot to tell you! Miss Wormwood said I was so good, you didn't need to bother coming, really! She said you don't have to go!
+19900912 Oh man! Mom went to a parent-teacher conference! I'm as good as dead. Miss Wormwood will tell Mom all sorts of horror stories about me! Horror stories? Well, it's a question of perspective. Still, I think I should be allowed to have a lawyer present at the meeting. What are you going to say when your Mom gets back? Nothing. Nothing at all? Buddy, if you think I'm even going to BE here, you're crazy!
+19900913 I'm home. How was your meeting with Calvin's teacher? Well, when we got to the classroom, we saw that all the kids had drawn self-portraits in the art class, and had left the pictures on their desks so the parents would recognize their child's seat. That's a cute idea. Did you find Calvin's picture? There was one drawing of a green kid with fangs, six eyes, and a finger up his nose. Uh oh. The meeting went downhill from there.
+19900914 Calvin, I... YIKE!! You're home! I didn't even finish pack... that is, um... LIES! Everything Miss Wormwood said about me was a lie! She just doesn't like me! She hates little boys! It's not MY fault! I'M not to blame! She told you about the noodles, right? It wasn't me! Nobody saw me! I was framed! I wouldn't do anything like that! I'm innocent, I tell you! What noodles? Oh... Uh... Ha ha! Did I say noodles? You must have heard wrong. I didn't say noodles.
+19900915 OK, Calvin, let's check over your math homework. Let's not, and say we did. Your teacher says you need to spend more time on it. Have a seat. More time?! I already spent ten whole minutes on it! Ten minutes shot! Wasted! Down the drain! You've written here 8+4=7. Now, you know that's not right. So I was off a little bit. Sue me. You can't ADD things and come out with LESS than what you started with! I can do that! It's a free country! I've got my rights!
+19900916 Quit squirming, Calvin. You've got ice cream all over your shirt. Rats, I was saving it for later. Thanks for the ice cream, Dad. It was great. You're welcome. I'm tired of pulling you. It's my turn to ride. Your Dad didn't get me any ice cream, so I get to ride both ways. No, you don't! Dad said tigers don't like ice cream! It's my turn to ride! Tigers don't know if they like ice cream until they try every kind. I'm not pulling. I've got news, fuzz brain. I'm not pulling either! Well, then, I guess we'll both just sit here until we die. Why do these "walks" always end up as "rides"? oh, you need the exercise more anyway.
+19900917 Let's start at the beginning. When you ADD something, you INCREASE what you have. You COMBINE. I don't want to learn this! It's completely irrelevant to my life! This isn't irrelevant. Everyone needs to know this. I don't! I can get along fine without math! Oh yeah? What do you want to be when you grow up? Every job requires SOME math. That's not true! I'll be a... a... a caveman! Yeah! That's not really a job.
+19900918 Here, maybe this will make more sense. I have eight pennies. I ask you for four more. I say forget it. You're the one with a steady paycheck. Just give me four pennies. Good. How much money do I have now? Investments and all? No, just here on the table. Eight cents. No, eight plus four is twelve. See? Count them up. But those four are MINE!
+19900919 How's the math lesson going? Pretty good. I think Calvin sees the idea now. I took pennies and showed how adding and subtracting them changed how much money he had. It's not so abstract that way. Good. Maybe he'll do better in class now. I think he will. He was having fun with it by the end. Now give me ANOTHER five cents and let's see what I have! Wait a minute.
+19900920 Boy, I feel sharp! I know this math stuff COLD! I'm ready for anything! I hope the teacher calls on me! I hope I get to demonstrate a problem at the board! I'll impress everyone! Here, Susie. Take one sheet and pass the rest across. What's this? A math quiz. HOT DOG!
+19900921 Don't try to copy my answers this time, Calvin, or I'll tell. Ha! Who needs YOUR answers? I'll bet I get a better score than you do. YOU?! That'll be the day! I'll bet you 25 cents I get a higher grade. You're on. You might as well give me the quarter now and save yourself the humiliation later! Maybe you'd like to increase the wager, Mr Bigmouth. Yeah! Let's double it and make it 35 cents!
+19900922 Man, this is going to be great! Not only am I going to ace this quiz, but I'm going to win a quarter from Susie when I get a better score than she does! OK! The first problem is 6+5. Oh, easy! The answer is... um.... ummmmmmm... UMMMMMMMM His spacecraft quietly humming, the incredible Spaceman Spiff approaches the sixth plant of the Mysterio system!
+19900923 I'm hungry, when's lunch? Right now. Hi, Susie! Oh look, you've got your stuffed tiger! Can I squeeze him? What are you crazy? Hobbes is a ferocious man-eating jungle beast! Ferocious? He looks fuzzy and cuddly to me! Ha! Beneath that soft exterior lie terrible mandibles of bone crushing death! He'll grind you into hamburger! Each mighty paw hides razor-sharp claws to rip the living hide off any human that wanders too close! He's a monster! No, he's not. He's a big cutie. Oh no! I can't look!! ... so what happened to the mandibles of death. You sissy furball?!? I was beguiled by her feminine charms. Yow. Go soak your head.
+19900924 A small red spacecraft breaks through the cloud cover of Mysterio system planet 6! At the controls, it's none other than our fearless hero, Spaceman Spiff! Piloting over the lifeless world, he reflects on his unusual mission... QUIZ 1. 6+5= ... to somehoe crash planets 6 and 5 together!
+19900925 In a scientific mission to discover what happens when two planets collide, Spaceman Spiff drops anchor! The anchor catches on a hillside! Spiff downshifts and guns the motor! Imperceptibly at first, the planet slowly moves, towed along by our hero, until... ...breaking orbit, planet 6 picks up speed, hurling towards planet 5!
+19900926 Pulled by Spaceman Spiff, planet 6 is about to collide with planet 5! With no time to lose, our hero cuts loose the anchor and flies to safety! The planets crash, grinding and shattering with awful force! Planet 5, being smaller, is crunched to dust! Only 6 remains! 6+5=6. Time! Pass your papers forward. TIME?! I just finished the first problem!
+19900927 How can our time be up?! I just did the first problem on this quiz! Where did the time go?? Guess! Guess! Pick random numbers! Maybe a few will be right by sheer luck! 15! 104! 3! 27! Hand it in, Calvin. Your time's up. SIGHHHH. Don't forget we have a bet on who gets the higher grade. The bet's off! I don't gamble! No bets!
+19900928 I got a perfect score on my quiz. You got a perfect score? What did YOU get? If you missed any, you owe me 25 cents. I ran out of time! I'd have had a perfect score too if I'd had a few more minutes! What did you get? It's biological! Girls mature faster than boys! You just got a better grade because you're a girl! It's not fair! Pay up. Maybe it's opposite day! Maybe all these X's mean that my answers are correct! Maybe your "A" is really an "F"! That must be it! I win the bet!
+19900929 How did you do on your math quiz? I flunked it... but only because I ran out of time. The worst part, though, was that Susie Derkins won our bet on who'd get the better score. I had to pay her 25 cents. But get this! I cheated her! I only gave her three dimes! Ha! I think you're better study harded. Oh, now don't YOU start on me.
+19900930 Now where did all the bed pillows go? This is gonna be soft! Krunch! Hey, Hobbes! C'mon and jump in the leaves! It's fun! I don't know sometimes slugs hide under leaves. No they don't. Do they? Slugs? Ugh, just imagine one of those slimy muckballs slipping up your pant leg! There might be dozens in there! There might? Aack ick ooh yecch! That's the problem with nature. Something's always stinging you or oozing mucous on you. Let's go watch TV. Is it 3 o'clock yet? We can watch "The Blob"!
+19901001 Look, Hobbes, I cut a piece of cardboard to make a TV screen. See, I just hold it up like I'm on TV. Wow, your own show! Too bad I can't really force my way into millions of people's homes each day. But on the other hand, no one ine THIS home can turn me off!
+19901002 So what's it like being on TV? It's great! Now that I'm on television, I'm different from everybody else! I'm famous! Important! Since everyone knows me, everything I do now is newsworthy. I'm a cultural icon. I think your antenna needs adjusting. Watch, I'll use my prestige to endorse a product!
+19901003 Hi, I'm Calvin, eminent television personality, here to tell you about new improved "Chocolate frosted sugar bombs"! I love 'em! They're crunchy on the outside, chewy on the inside, and they don't have a single natural ingredient or essential vitamin to get in the way of that rich fudgy taste! Mm-mm! Yes, kids, you'll like 'em so much, you won't be able to sit still! Remember! It's the cereal I get paid to recommend because I'm famous! What do you think? Are you filled with the desire to emulate me and eat the cereal I endorse? If not, I can repeat this every 20 minutes. Don't you threaten ME.
+19901004 Hi Mom! I've got my own TV show! That's nice. He's Ca-a-alvin! Amazing, great Ca-a-alvin! Oh, he's the one that you'd like to meet! He's the one who just can't be beat! He's ca-a-alvin! La data da daaaaa! Thank you! Thank you! Boy, what an audience! Thank you! Please! Ha ha! No, really, sit down! Thank you! Thank you! I'm changing the channel, OK? Sorry, I'm on all the networks.
+19901005 Where's your TV screen? My fall lineup got cancelled. Dad said one TV in the house was bad enough, and he preferred the one with the volume control. Maybe you should go cable. I've got an idea for a sit-com called "Father knows zilch".
+19901006 What a rip-off! They say if you connect these dots you get a picture. But look! I did it and it's just a big mess! I think you're supposed to connect them in the order that they're numbered. Oh. Everything's gotta have rules, rules, rules!
+19901007 ... so if you capture the other guy's flag and make it back to your territory, you win. Win what? The game. No luggage? No toaster oven? Hey, you can't hide your flag in a tree! It's too hard to capture! That's not a rule. I can hide my flag anywhere! Well, it's a rule now! From now on, no flags in trees! Ok, but I just tagged you, so you have to go to jail. What?? It's a time out! I was making a new rule! You didn't officially call a time out. Off to jail with you! Forget it! From now on, if you are discussing a new rule, it's automatically a time out. Ok, time in! Tag! You can't do that! We have to say "time in" together! Since when?? You're just changing rules so you'll win! I am not! I'm just trying to keep you from cheating! Just a minute. Muffin head. Are you calling me a cheater? Who's a muffin head! Yowp! Arrgh! Oatmeal face! Strudel brain! Mom says we should take up Monopoly. No way, buster. I know all about those "interest free bank loans" to yourself!
+19901008 33... 27... 18... HIKE! AUGHH! It's clear I'll never have a career in sports until I learn to suppress my survival instinct. Touchdown!
+19901009 What this game needs are negotiated settlements.
+19901010 How come YOU'RE the one who goes to work, and not Mom? Well, your Mom USED to go to work, but once you came along, someone had to stay home. Your Mom's job had a lot of stress and aggravation, see, ... and she wanted to quit? No, she'd gotten used to it, so we figured she should be the one to... HEY!
+19901011 Get off the swing or I'll punch your lights out. What a sissy! Haw! Years from now, when I'm successful and happy, ... and he's in prison... I home I'm not too mature to gloat.
+19901012 Give me a nice smile. That's good. Now don't make a face, OK? Ready? One... two... thre... click. Click. *click*
+19901013 Oh, great altar of passive entertainment... bestow upon my thy discordant images at such speed as to render linear thought impossible!
+19901014 Enemy sighted! Battle stations! Battle stations! Alert! Ahwooga! Here's the mighty aircraft carrier! Equipped with the latest radar and firepower. It is virtually unsinkable! I know what can sink it. Yeah? What? A cannonball depth charge!! Oh no! Pfoom! Ha ha! That was great! You emptied the whole tub! Turn on the water and let's do it again! We seem to have a waterfall down the stairway dear. I'll go see what your kid is doing. My did?!? C'mere and let me explain something to you ...
+19901015 Here it is 8:00 and we have to go to bed already. Somebody's always running my life. I never get to do what I want to do. What would you do if you could stay up? I dunno... something FUN! Whatever Mom and Dad get to do!
+19901016 That cloud of stars is our galaxy, the milky way. Our solar system is on the edge of it. We hurl through an incomprehensible darkness. In cosmic terms, we are subatomic particles in a grain on an infinite beach. I wonder what's on TV now.
+19901017 Everyone takes me for granted! Nobody pays any attention to my needs! Is it too much to ask for an occassional token gesture of appreciation?! OK, how about a big hug? Could I have 20 dollars? See?! I don't matter to anyone! Nobody cares about me!
+19901018 Hobbes, do you think our morality is defined by our actions, or by what's in our hearts? I think our actions SHOW what's in our hearts. I RESENT THAT!
+19901019 They say winning isn't everything, and I've decided to take their word for it.
+19901020 I STAND FIRM IN MY BELIEF OF WHAT'S RIGHT! I REFUSE TO COMPROMISE MY PRINCIPLES! I don't NEED to compromise my principles, because they don't have the slightest bearing on what happens to me anyway.
+19901021 Bang! Kapwinngg! Bang bang! You missed! You missed! There he goes! After him boys! Giddyap! Giddyap! Ambush! Bang! Bang! Yow! Whoop! Bang! Gotcha! Noyadidnt! Noyadidnt! Calvin, will you please stop tearing around the house?! You're driving me crazy! You said we couldn't go outside because it's raining. Boy, that sure worked. We're not allowed back in until when?
+19901022 Vroom vrooom rrr! Vroom vroooom AUGHH! I wouldn't mind this so much if he didn't keep a log. Would you say you were "very surprised" or "COMPLETELY surprised"?
+19901023 Look Mom, I made a mask. Are you getting ready for Haloween? Huh? No, this is for every day. You know how Hobbes always sneaks up from behind and pounces on me? No... Well, he does. But if you wear a mask like this on the back of your head, tigers can't tell which way you're facing, and they can't sneak up. I think your train of thought is a runaway. I read they wear these in India. Here, I made a mask for you too.
+19901024 Here, Dad. I made you a mask like mine. You wear it on the back of your head to prevent tiger attacks. Um... Tigers always try to get you from behin, but with this mask on, they can't tell which way you're facing, so they don't pounce. I read it in a book. Well, I appreciate your concern, but I think I'll take my chances and not look like a lunatic. OK, if you'd rather look like raw hamburger, be my guest. Honey, are we out of aspirin again?
+19901025 Well, if it isn't ol' rocket-butt! I guess you won't be pouncing on ME any more! See, I'm wearing a mask on the back of my head! Now you can't tell which way I'm facing, so you can't sneak up from behind! I've finally thwarted your murderous recreation! Maybe this will teach you that PEOPLE are smarter than ANIMALS! You can't outwit a human! No fair! You didn't even sneak up!
+19901026 In the middle ages, lords and vassals lived in a futile system. That's "feudal" system. Just when I thought this junk was beginning to make sense.
+19901027 I'm a genius. I can't believe how smart I am. I've got more brains than I know what to do with. So I've noticed. Woo hoo hoo
+19901028 A brilliant bolt of deadly frap ray blazes by the intrepid Spaceman Spiff! Our hero has very high insurance premiums. The courageous Spaceman Spiff is hit! He plummets toward planet Zog! Breaking through the cloud layer, he careens over an alien city! There's no place to land! Spiff wrestles the uncooperative controls! More freem drive to the thuster busters! Too much stress! The fuel explodes in flame! The situation is grim! Ten seconds to impact! Nine ... eight ... Well Calvin?? Seven! Very good Calvin. Ten minus three equals seven. I didn't think you were paying attention. That question was worth three points. Our hero miraculously makes a three-point landing. Spiff saves the day again!
+19901029 Gimme that ball or I'll punch your face in. Smart move, sissy boy. In my opinion, we don't devote nearly enough scientific research to finding a cure for jerks.
+19901030 Open wide... open wide... that's good... Now this might cause some slight discomfort... hold real still.... Rrgghh! Mmf! Rrg! Stop thrashing! I've almost got it... almost... mmf! THERE! Boy, it's a good think you had this removed! Just look at all these bad spots! Lunch shouldn't have to be like this.
+19901031 Take a look at this. Wouldn't you say this is a great drawing? I mean, can you BELIEVE my teacher didn't like it? She said it wasn't "serious"! By golly, if this isn't serious art, then nothing is! Who set Miss Wormwood up as an arbiter of aesthetics anyway? This is a beautiful work of power and depth! It's a stegosaurus in a rocket ship, right? See? YOU understood it!
+19901101 On the one hand, it's a good sign for us artists that, in this age of visual bombardment from all media, a simple drawing can provoke and shock viewers. It confirms that images still have power. On the other hand, my teacher's reactionary grading shows that our society is culturally illiterate and that, many people can't tell good art from a hole in the ground. This drawing I did obviously challenges the know-nothing complacency of those who prefer safe, predigested, bucolic genre scenes. My "C-" firmly establishes me on the cutting edge of the avante-garde. Don't you have to wear silly clothes then?
+19901102 The hard part for us avante-garde post-modern artists is deciding whether or not to embrace commercialism. Do we allow our work to be hyped and exploited by a market that's simply hungry for the next new thing? Do we participate in a system that turns high art into low art so it's better suited for mass consumption? Of course, when an artist goes commercial, he makes a mockery of his status as an outsider and free thinker. He buys into the crass and shallow values art should transcend. He trades the integrity of his art for riches and fame. Oh, what the heck. I'll do it. That wasn't so hard.
+19901103 Today I drew another picture in my "Dinosaurs in Rocket Ships" series, and Miss Wormwood threatened to give me a bad mark in her grade book if I didn't stop! The arts are under attack! Freedom of expression is being squelched! The authoritie are trying to silence any view contrary to their own! What does your teacher object to about drawing dinosaurs? Mostly my drawing them during math.
+19901104 I'm ready for bed, Dad. What's tonight's story going to be? Here's one, "Readings on Dialectical Metaphysics." You'll love it. Forget it Dad. You can't get me to drop off that easy. Will you read us this story? Hobbes wrote it himself. Hobbes wrote it, huh? "Goldilocks and the three tigers." Oh boy, this is gonna be great! "Once upon a time there lived a young girl named Goldilocks. She went into the forest and saw a cottage. No one was home so she went in. Inside she saw three bowls of porridge. A big bowl, a medium bowl, and a small bowl. She was just about to taste the porridge when the three tigers came home. They quickly divided Goldilocks into big, medium, and small pieces and dunked them in the porridge that ..." Calvin, I'm not going to finish this! This is disgusting!! I don't know why I let you talk to me into this. Good night! Click. He didn't even look at our illustrations. Now I'm all hungry.
+19901105 Another gorgeous, brisk fall day. What a waste to be going to school on a morning like this? What would you do if you could stay home this morning? Sleep right through it.
+19901106 WHOA WHOAA WHOOOP BONK AHHHH! OOH! It COULD'VE happened by accident!
+19901107 Don't sit next to me, Calvin. I don't want to hear any disgusting comments about lunch. Relax. I won't talk about lunch at all. Instead, do you want to hear a riddle I made up? A riddle? OK. What's the difference between a garden slug and a two-inch-long living booger? EWW!! I can't think of a difference either.
+19901108 Get off the swing, Twinky. Forget it, Moe. Wait your turn. PUNCH! It's hard to be religious when certain people are never incinerated by bolts of lightning.
+19901109 I'M HOME! There's no point in saving your lunch bags if you can't keep them cleaner than THIS! That's what YOU think.
+19901110 ... tranquil Mt. Calvin... Suddenly, with a shaking rumble, he blows sky high! He's a live volcano! Geysers of molten lava spray into the heavens! I TOLD you that chili sauce was hot! GLUG GLUG GLUG Yechh, he spewed it all across the table!
+19901111 Toboggans give better rides than runner sleds. Why is that? There's no way to steer. On these cloudy winter days, sometimes I like to lie back on my sled and look at the sky. It's just gray and silent. No birds singing or bugs buzzing. Everything is muffled by the snow. Imagine what it would be like without any people or houses around. It would be perfectly still. Pretty neat huh? Yes, very peaceful. I hate all that silence.
+19901112 Hello, is your Dad there? No, he isn't. OK, will you write down my number and have him call me? Hold on. I need a pen. POW! AGHH! I've been shot! I hate taking messages.
+19901113 Mom, do we have a shoe box I could have? It's for a school project. I think so. Let's see. Here's one. What are you going to do with it? I'm supposed to make a diorama. We're studying the different ecosystems and I'm going to make a desert scene. That sounds interesting. I'll need some glue and paper and stuff too. I'm going to build a cactus and a roadrunner. When is this due? It was due today, but I told the teacher I wasn't quite finished.
+19901114 Wow, Mom sure turned into the conniption queen when she found out I hadn't neve started my diorama project when it was already due today. So this is one day late! What's the big deal?! It's not as if LIVES hang in the balance, right? The fate of the universe doesn't depend on turning in a shoe box desert scene on time! That's keeping things in perspective. Even if lives DID hang in the balance, it would depend on whose they were.
+19901115 This is hopeless! How am I supposed to create a desert scene in this shoe box when I don't even know what a desert looks like? I'VE never been to a desert. Mom and Dad never take me anywhere fun on vacations! If they'd taken me to a desert sometime, I'd KNOW this stuff! Why don't you get out a book? And go to all that TROUBLE?! Yeah, sure! Look, I'm a busy guy! I've got other things to do with my life besides THIS, you know! Right. Why waste time learning, when ignorance is instantaneous? My TV show starts in 20 minutes. Are you going to help me or ont?
+19901116 Mom, where do we keep the papier-mache? We don't have any. Oh great! Just GREAT! How am I supposed to make a roadrunner without papier-mache?! Maybe you should have thought of that before 7:00 at night. You'll have to make one some other way. BUT HOW?! This is YOUR school project, Calvin. YOU do the work. If I get a bad grade, it'll be YOUR fault for not doing the work for me!
+19901117 How's the diorama coming along? I'm almost finished. That didn't take too long. That's because I'm a genius. I don't see the roadrunner. Weren't you going to put one in? See the cotton balls I glued down? Yeah? The roadrunner just ran out of the scene, leveing those clouds of dust!
+19901118 Ha ha! Your clever little strategy has tragically backfired! Look at this jump! Watch and weep, fuzz face! That's your move, right? I get to go now, right? It's too late for you to change your mind, right? Not so fast ... my hand's still on it. Jump, jump, jump! I win! You win?!? Aaugghh! You won last time! I hate it when you win! Aarrggh! Mff! Gnnk! I hate this game! I hate the whole world!! Aghhh! What a stupid game! You must have cheated! You must have used some sneaky, underhanded mind-meld to make me lose! I hate you! I didn't want to play this idiotic game in the first place! I know you'd cheat! I knew you'd win! Oh! Ooh! Aarg! Hack pant pant. Look, it's just a game. I know. You should see me when I loose in real life!
+19901119 You've never had an obligation, an assignment, or a deadline in all your life! You have no responsibilities at all! It must be nice! Wipe that insolent smirk off your face! The real fun of living wisely is that you get to be smug about it.
+19901120 I hate doing this stuff! It's too much work. Why should I bother? "Until you can stalk and overrun, you can't devour anyone." I can see why tiger aphorisms don't catch on.
+19901121 "Live for the moment" is MY motto. You never know how long you've got! You could step into the road tomorrow and WHAM - you get hit by a cement truck! Then you'd be sorry you put off your pleasures! That's why I say "Live for the moment". What's YOUR motto? "Look down the road."
+19901122 I've decided I don't want to be famous. No? Nah. ANY idiot can be famous. I figure I'M more the LEGENDARY type! Uh huh. Well, I didn't mean right this second!
+19901123 Can we burn these leaves? No, that pollutes. But how can we appease the mighty snow demons if we don't sacrifice any leaves?! We'll have a warm winter. I don't know whether your grasp of theology or meteorology is the more appalling. I guess I'll go light some candles around the toboggan and beg for mercy.
+19901124 Do you think tigers go to the same heaven that people go to? I mean, in heaven, everyone is supposed to be HAPPY, right? But people wouldn't be happy if they were always in danger of being eaten by tigers! On the other hand, heaven wouldn't be very nice WITHOUT tigers, either. I wouldn't be happy if there weren't any tigers. I'd miss them. Maybe tigers just don't eat people in heaven. But then WE wouldn't be happy.
+19901125 Either he's playing classical music at 78 RMP, or I'm still dreaming. First thing tomorrow morning, I'm calling the orphanage.
+19901126 Hey Dad, I'll guess any number you're thinking of! Go ahead, and pick a number! Mm... OK, I've got it. Is it 92,376,051? By golly, it is! Wait a minute! You're just trying to get RID of me, aren't you?! No, you're psychic. Go show Mom.
+19901127 A lot of people don't have principles, but I do! I'm a highly principled person! I live according to one principle, and never deviate from it. What's your principle? "Look out for number one."
+19901128 Mom, you know the sandwich you packed for me today? Well, by lunch time, the jelly had soaked into the bread. That grosses me out. So tomorrow, I'd like the jelly put in a separate container with a knife, so I can spread the jelly at the last possible moment before I eat the sandwich. Also, you keep using the bread from the middle of the loaf. I only like those pieces for toast. For sandwiches, I want only the end pieces, because they don't absorb as much jelly. Got it? Doggone it, she did it again!
+19901129 Why, look! You made your bed without even being told to! That's wonderful, Calvin! Gee, your Mom sure is nice when you help her. Yeah, that's the reason I usually don't. I like Mom to be impressed when I fulfill the least of my obligations.
+19901130 Look out of the window! It's snowing! There's must be almost half an inch! By morning, I'll bet there's tons of snow! Do you think the schools will close?? What? OH YEAH? WELL, SAME TO YOU!! I wonder how a crabby guy like him got to be superintendent.
+19901201 That was quite a ride. I'll say. I've never seen a sled catch fire before. We're lucky the pond hadn't frozen.
+19901202 Why can't I ever find my stupid scarf? Hobbes and I are going outside Mom. This is going to be the biggest snowman ever built! People will come from miles to see our gigantic snoman! This won't go any more. It's too big to push. Ok, leave it here. I'm exhausted! Well we can't stop now! We need nine more of these! Nine more?! Sure! This is just one of his toes!
+19901203 Lemonade! Get youre ice-cold lemonade! Just five dollars a glass, while it lasts! How are sales? Terrible. I don't understand it. It sure is cold out. Yep. See, my lemonade has "all-natural" refrigeration! Want to buy a glass? Sorry. All my savings are in bonds. Maybe I should start charging TEN dollars so I don't have to sell as much.
+19901204 When I grow up, I'm going to be phenomenally rich! I'm going to be the richest man alive! But I won't let wealth change me! Rats. That was our last hope. You're going to be pretty lonely in the nursing home. Maybe then I can finish this book.
+19901205 Want to hear a joke I made up? Sure! What do you get when you cross a cantaloupe with Lassie? I give up. A mellon-collie baby! Get it?? Ah ha ha ha ha ha! Oh! Oh! Haa ha ha! He just doesn't want to face up to the fact that I'll be the life of every party.
+19901206 NAB! CLUNK! You just can't ever be too careful. Cheater.
+19901207 Honey, have you seen my glasses? I can't find them anywhere. I haven't seen them. ! ! Calvin, go do something you hate! Being miserable builds character! OK, the voice was a little funny, but that's still one darn sarcastic kid we're raising.
+19901208 AUGHH Those child psychology books we bought were such a waste of money.
+19901209 Aaaaahhh! Eeee! Hee hee hee hee! Woo! Ack! I've got you! Aaheeeee! Tickle tickle! Ah! Ah! Hee hee hee woo hoo! I'm gonna getcha! I'm coming after you! Eek! Hee hee. Here I come! Gotcha! Gootchie gootchie! Akpth! Ha ha ha. Eeep! Ha ha hee hee ooh! Ooh! Ha ha ha. Tickle, tickle! Whoa! Whoa! We'd better stop. Calm down, calm down. Ha ha hoo hoo hee hee ha. Hee hee whoof! Ha ha! (pant pant) hee hee hee wheeeeeeee ... her plan backfired dad. I'm all wound up, and Mom needs to be put to bed.
+19901210 Watching a Christmas special? Yep. Another show extolling love and peace interrupted every seven minutes by commercials extolling greed and waste. I hate to think what you're learning from this. I'm learning I nee my own TV so I can watch someplace else.
+19901211 I'm writing my Christmas list, Hobbes. Should I add anything for you? Hmm... I can't think of anything. NOTHING?! You don't want anything at ALL?!? I've got a good home and a best friend. What more could a tiger want? It must be sad being a species with so little imagination.
+19901212 Thanks for helping me mail my letter to Santa. It sure was heavy. Those big envelopes hold only a couple hundred pages. That's why I used a box. I hope Santa doesn't throw his back out when he gets it. All I can say is, THIS year Santa had better bring everything on my list! I've been extremely good all year! What about the noodle incident? NO ONE CAN PROVE I DID THAT!!
+19901213 This whole business of Santa rewarding GOOD kids and neglecting BAD kids really bugs me. ... not that I have anything to worry about, of course. A paragon of virtue, that's you. Right! But see, there are certain things a GOOD kid could do that might look BAD in a certain light, if one didn't consider all the mitigating circumstances. Like keeping an incontenent toad in your Mom's sweater drawer? Exactly. If I was being raised in a better environment, I wouldn't do things like that.
+19901214 I think if Santa is going to judge my behaviour over the last yeaer, I ought to be entitled to legal representation. I mean, let's face it, a lot of Christmas loot is at stake here, and the constitution says no person should be deprived of property without due process of law. So you can be my lawyer, OK? It's easy! Me?? Sure! Here's a legal bad! You're all set! OK, but I don't take pro bono cases.
+19901215 OK, Hobbes, as my lawyer, you'll need to review the facts of my case. Right. We'll try to establish that you were insane at the time of the alleged crimes. We're not copping an INSANITY plea, you moron! We're saying I'm INNOCENT! Insulting an attorney is a penal offense, so watch it, buster. You're supposed to argue that I haven't been bad this year, and I deserve to be on Santa's "good" list! If THAT's our case, I advise you to settle out of court. In a minute, you and I are going to settle this out of DOORS.
+19901216 If you ask ME, Hobbes, the whole notion of "instant gratification" is a MYTH! I don't ever get what I want when I want it! I always have to wait! Look how long it's taken me to be six years old! Practically forever! When do I get to drive?! When can I go see gory, violent movies?! Why do I have to wait till I'm older? People say life's a journey, but I'm tired of wasting my precious time in transit! I say, if you want to find out where the road goes, get in the fast lane and hit the gas! Spare me the scenery and let's get where we're going! I'm a busy guy! I've got places to be! SUMP! SPLOOP Gosh, that was over quick.
+19901217 So long, Mom! Hobbes and I are off to the north pole. The north pole? Yep! We're going to see Santa. How come? You already sent him your Christmas list. Yeah, but I'm afraid Santa might not have considered MY version of certain recent events. Hobbes is going to be my lawyer and present my case. Just how recent are these recent events you're talking about? Gotta go, Mom. It's a long walk.
+19901218 OK, here's our strategy: when we get to the north pole, we tell Santa that I've been the victim of malicious slander by my enemies, and we're appealing to him for justice. We say that I'm really a GOOD kid... a good kid with a good heart! We say I'm good, good, good, from the moment I get up until... Hey! There's Susie! ... until the moment a thought enters your head. I don't think she saw us! Quick, pack some slushballs!
+19901219 Susie's still concentrating on her snowman! Let's sneak up and barrage her with slushballs! Two minutes ago we were on our way to tell Santa how GOOD you are, remember? Have you lost your marbles?! Oops. I forgot. How many presents do you think I'd forfeit for just one clean smack upside Susie's head?
+19901220 Look, I'm not going to be your lawyer if you can't even walk a block without pasting someone with a slushball! It's not just "someone"! It's SUSIE! It's a GIRL! Santa would understand! He would so! What? Oh yeah? I don't care! I'm going to hit Susie with a big, icy slushball! Oh really? Well, maybe that furry mug of YOURS needs a slushball, too! Yeah, you heard me! Ow! No biting! Shh! Shh! Hold it! ... did you just hear a snicker?
+19901221 Plotting to hit me with a slushball, eh? Well, HERE! POW! See that? See that?! She hit me first! Now if I hit her, it's justified! Ha ha ha! Sweet revenge! Oh boy! Oh boy! ... or you could PROVE to Santa how good you are. It's your big chance... I DON'T WANT TO BE THIS GOOD!
+19901222 Back from the north pole already? No, we didn't even get past Susie's house. But Mom, I PROVED how good I am! Susie hit me with a snowball and I didn't even get her back! Santa has GOT to give me lots of presents NOW! Why did Susie hit you with a snowball? She overheard us plotting to... I mean, um, we were just minding our business when suddenly, for no reason, Susie... OK, you lied. Do something good fast, and maybe the last hour will sort of even out to neutral.
+19901223 Eighty million years ago, back in the late Cretaceous, lived the great tyrannosaur, a fearsome and predacious therapod of monstrous size! He weighed six tons or more! He epotomized the concept of the killer carnivore! His jaws had teeth like railroad spikes with fore and aft serrations! This dental hardware was designed for quick eviscerations! With thrashing bites and awful roars the T.Rex would attack! He was, it's clear, a savage mesozoic maniac! Imagin, then, the panic caused, the horror and the mayhem, when this monster came to town and ate some folks this A.M.! It was a sight few will forget! He lunged into the crowd! The multitude became unglued! Their screams were long and loud! People pushed to get away! The elderly and small were trampled underfoot by the advancing human wall! Little Tim was on an errand with his brother howard. They dawdled by the candy shop and both boys were devoured. A camera crew from channel three arrived in town to give a live report. At this they failed, because they didn't live. At last the menace ate his fill. The big tyrannosaur stomped away to parts unknown where he had lived before. Tyrannosaurs, though rarely seen, are certainly still around. And no one knows just where or when the next one will be found. Blow your nose, dear. Achgth! Tck! Nhggrr!
+19901224 Well, the shopping is done, the presents are wrapped and sent, and Calvin's in bed. For the first time this month, there's nothing that has to be done. I know... sometimes this season really seems out of control. We don't often think about what it's all supposed to mean. Mm-hmm. It's good to sit by a cozy fire and take some quiet time to reflect. WHAT'S THIS?! SANTA FLAMBE??
+19901225 Psst! Wake up! Merry Christmas, ol' buddy! Merry christmas. I didn't get you a present, but you're my best friend in the world, Hobbes. You're my best friend, too. I think that's a great gift. Well, enough of that! It's almost 4 am! Let's wake up Mom and Dad and see what Santa brought us! Remember we agreed that if Santa gave you any salmon, you'd share it!
+19901226 Dear Grandma, thank you for the nice box of crayons you sent me for Christmas. This is prompt. Oh yeah, I always send grandma a thank-you note right away. ... ever since she sent me that empty box with the sarcastic note saying she was just checking to see if the postal service was still working.
+19901227 That's enough TV! Go play outside. I don't WANT to go outside. Hmph.
+19901228 Behind the impenetrable walls of my snow fort, I am utterly invincible! No one dares attack me! Everybody is too chicken! I'm outside my fort now!
+19901229 It's freezing in here! I can almost see my breath! The thermostat is at 68, where it's going to stay. I'm surprised the water pipes haven't frozen! Look, my lips are blue! I'm catching pneumonia! I'm going into hypothermia! If you're cold, why don't you go shovel the driveway and get your blood moving? Nice sweater. Hmph.
+19901230 The whole problem with modern times is that there's no pride in craftsmanship. When most kids make a snowball, the just mush a bunch of snow together. Everyone's a slave to efficiency! No time for aesthetics! No love of things for their own sake! But when I make a snowball, it's a work of art! This snow, for example, is just a little too powdery. It won't sting properly. I prefer a wetter snow: something with some more weight! Something that will really knock the wind out of the opponent! And how much loose rubble and dirt is acceptable before it affects the aerodynamics? Do you get better spin with an ellipsoid or a true sphere? Nobody considers these things any more! It's a lost tradition, I tell you! My snowballs aren't assembly line productions! They take me longer to make, but each one is a unique masterpiece! That's why I sign them. Watch this - HEY SUSIE! POW POW POW POW. It's a crass culture, Hobbes. Shoddy and quick is all anybody knows. Artists always suffer.
+19901231 By the power invested in me by the mighty and awful snow demons, I command you to come to life! LIVE! LIVE! LIVVVE! RRGHH!
+19910101 *GASP* I (pant, pant) MADE it! *GASP* What's with you? I thought you were out building a snowman. I did (pant, pant), but I brought him to life (pant, pant) and now he's after me! I barely escaped! Uh huh. Lookout the window! He's probably lurching around the yard! Good heavens, you build a snowman right on the front step?! How are we going to get out the door?! AUGHH! He's looking in! he knows where I live!!
+19910102 You brought a snowman to LIFE?? I didn't think he'd be evil! What are we going to do? I dunno, but we've got to get rid of him somehow. Maybe we could lure him inside and he'd melt! It would take him HOURS, and if he didn't kill Mom, she'd have a fit about the water on the floor. Hmm... how did they finally kill "Frosty"? Beats me. Now I wish I'd watched that dumb show! Maybe they stabbed him with an icicle.
+19910103 Yikes! There he is! Pack snowballs! Maybe we can knock him out! Yaa! Yaaa! UNGHH! The snowballs just STUCK to him! Look, it's given him an idea! He's packing more snow onto himself! He's making himself bigger! Oh NO!
+19910104 He keeps packing more snow on himself! He's getting huge! This is really creepy. Now he's made a big snowball and he's putting rocks and sticks in it! I wonder what he's making. Ewww! He's giving himself two weird heads!! Any time the sun wanted to come out, it would be just fine with me. NOW he's added another ARM! He's turned himself into a deranged mutant killer monster snow goon!!
+19910105 The snow goon is lumbering off toward the front yard! Let's cut around the house and build a fort! What do you suppose it's going to do? I don't know, but whatever it is, we're going to need protection! Calvin, that snowman out front is hideous. Why can't you make a NORMAL snowman? I tried, Dad. I tried.
+19910106 You know, Hobbes, it seems the only time most people go outside is to walk to their cars. We have houses, electricity, plumbing, heat... maybe we're so sheltered and comfortable that we've lost touch with the natural world and forgotten our place in it. Maybe we've lost our awe of nature. That's why I want to ask YOU, as a tiger, a wild animal close to nature, what you think we're put on earth to do. What's our purpose in life? Why are we here? We're here to devour each other alive. Turn on the lights! Turn up the heat!
+19910107 This will be the strongest snow fort ever built! Ughh ngghh rghh mnhg UNNHH. There! We're safe from that snow goon NOW! I wonder why we haven't seen him for a while.
+19910108 Hi Calvin. Nice snow fort. I'll say! The walls are two feet thick and we've got snowballs in here! Who are you fighting? There's a snow goon running loose! If I were you, I wouldn't stick around. This could get ugly. What's a snow goon? It's like a snow man, but a grotesque, evil, demented monster. Oh, is THAT what all those ugly things you made in the front yard are? What do you mean, "all those"?
+19910109 Look, a NEW snow goon! That's not the one I made! The original snow goon must be making his OWN snow goons! OH NO! I'll bet he's making an army! In a few days, he could build a hundred snow goons! If each of THEM build ANOTHER hundred, and then THOSE all build a hundred MORE, why... that would be pretty cool, if they weren't out to kill me. I vote we make tracks for Florida.
+19910110 Calvin, it's late! Time to come in! I can't, Mom! I've got to kill snow goons! You can kill them tomorrow after school. C'mon inside. But by tomorrow, there will be more of them! Let's go, Calvin. Moms and reason are like oil and water.
+19910111 Can you see the snow goons out there? Yeah. They're still making more of each other. How many did you see? About 15. Man, how am I going to school tomorrow? I'll never even make it to the bus stop! I can't outrun 15 snow goons! I'm as good as dead! Sweet dreams. Yeah, right! Can I take an ax to school tomorrow for ... um... show and tell?
+19910112 The snow goons aren't moving! They're asleep! Now's our chance to go bump 'em off! We can't go outside NOW! It's 10 o'clock at night! Oh yeah. Mom and Dad are still up. We'll have to wait at least an hour.
+19910113 Calvin, this is the last time I'm calling you! Get up before you miss the bus! Well, look who's finally up! It's Mr Sunshine! You know, Calvin, from now on, you're going to bed earlier. This dragging out of bed late with a surly attitude every morning is going to stop. You're only kidding yourself, bucko. Bedtime is 7:00. We should've adopted a 25-year-old with his own apartment.
+19910114 Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! HA HA HA! DIE SNOW GOON, DIE!
+19910115 More water, Hobbes! We'll freeze the snow goons right where they snooze! Die! Die! Let out more hose! Ha ha! These monsters will be popsicles through July! There! We got 'em all! I'll spray a little extra water around, just to make sure everything's absolutely frozen. Psst, Calvin! Your parents' light is on! I think your Dad's coming! Uh oh! Maybe I should get HIM with the hose, too.
+19910116 That IS Calvin! He's outside with the garden hose! It's after midnight! What do we have to do, CHAIN him in bed?! CALVIN GET IN HERE! WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE WAAUGHH! THE WHOLE YARD'S ICE! Run, Hobbes! Dad's a snow goon too!
+19910117 Dad, don't kill me! I can explain this! Help! Help! Snow goons! I froze 'em! They were going to GET me, so I had to get them first! Ask Hobbes! Calvin, it is after midnight. Believe me, we will discuss this VERY thoroughly tomorrow. You get into bed this instant. Like I'm going to get any sleep NOW.
+19910118 See?? See the snow goons? I didn't make them! I mean, I made ONE, sort of by accident, but the rest made themselves! They were building an army, see? See, that's why I had to freeze them last night! I had to get 'em while they were sleeping! It was my only chance, see? See, it all makes sense! See? See?? They never see.
+19910119 Well, Hobbes, I guess there's a moral to all this. What's that? Snow Goons are bad news. That lesson certainly ought to be inapplicable elsewhere in life. I like maxims that don't encourage behavior modification.
+19910120 What do you know about love, Hobbes? Lots! Yeah? Like what? I'm not telling. WHY NOT? It's a sophisticated thing. SOPHISTICATED?! Whaddaya MEAN sophisticated?? I'M sophisticated! Why won't you talk about it? Nice weather today. RRRRGH!! You know something and you won't tell me what it is! Maybe when you're older. When I'm OLDER?! Why can't you tell me now?! Some things you wouldn't understand. Ha! I bet you don't know ANYthing about love! THAT's why you won't tell me!! If that's what you want to believe, go ahead. TELL ME! NO! TELL ME! NOT! TELL ME! NO! TELL ME! NO! TELL ME! NO! Look, just give me a hint, OK? One hint, c'mon! OK, here! "Snoogy-woogy wips". EWW See? I told you you weren't old enough.
+19910121 You have to admit it's slowed down the traffic on our road.
+19910122 CALVIN!
+19910123 Any luck? I'm so disappointed. HEY JET PILOTS! DO A BARREL ROLL!
+19910124 WHAP!! Did you thow that?! Who, me? Who, ME? Who?! ME?? WHO... ME?! Who, me???
+19910125 If we go fast enough and pull up just as we hit those rocks, we might, if we're lucky, clear the ravine and have the ride of our lives! On the other hand, if we miss, we'll probably spend our few remaining days hooked up to machines and intravenous fluids! It's either spectacular, unbelievable success, or crushing, hopeless defeat! There's no middle ground! OK, there IS a middle ground, but it's for sissy weasels.
+19910126 No text
+19910127 When are we going to get there? Can't you drive any faster?? I don't like to go much faster than this. Can I drive, then? I'll bet I could go REAL fast! Hmm... well, OK, sure. I'll pull over. Don't worry about a thing, Dad! Which pedal is the clutch? The left one. Then brake, then gas. Here we go! Hang on! Ooh, this IS faster! Blow the horn! Make everyone get out of our way! Wheeee! We're airborne! We should've done this sooner! We'll get there in no time now! I wonder how fast we're going. Can't say. We broke the speedometer. This is the only way to travel. We're passing that jet! Way to go, Calvin! I LIKE driving! ..SIGHHH.. How much longer NOW? I told you we'll get there when we get there.
+19910128 C'mon, Calvin! Get up or you'll be late for school. Today my SPIRIT is going to school while my body stays in bed. Now my spirit is in bed.
+19910129 Jump... jump... jump... jump... jump... jump... jump... jump... jump! I win! You've only won in the outward manifestation of this game. My SPIRIT is still unvanquished. That's 165 straight games you've lost. My spirit is kicking the spirit of your checkers clear across the room.
+19910130 Who would like to summarize what we just read? Calvin? How about you? Sorry! I'm here against my will. I refuse to cooperate. They can transport my BODY to school, but they can't chain my SPIRIT! My spirit roams free! Walls can't confine it! Laws can't restrain it! Authority has no power over it! Calvin, if you'd put half the energy of your protests into your schoolwork... You can try to leave a message, but my spirit screens its calls.
+19910131 Time for bed, Calvin. You can put my body to bed, but my spirit's going to stay right here, so why bother? Why shouldn't I just stay up? Because the body is the home of the spirit, and if you're not in bed in two minutes, your spirit is going to be permanently nomadic. Home sweet home.
+19910201 There ought to be a law against having school on days when there's enough snow to play in. Of course, I don't think there should be school in FALL either... and summer's out altready... and then there's spring... I guess I'd go to school a day in November and a day in March. By second grade, you'd be packing your lunch box with denture cleaners. And before I got to third grade, I could reture.
+19910202 Here comes the giant ship! AHWOOOOOO! AHWOOOOO! But what's this?! He's going full speed through the dangerous strait! The oil tanker crashed, Mom. You poured INK in the bath water??
+19910203 No text
+19910204 Look what I made, Hobbes. What is it? What IS it? Why, it's a huge bird foot. I'm going to press it in the snow and make everyone think a two-ton chickadee walked by. I guess time weighs more heavily on some people's hands than others'. He's just jealous because I accomplish so much more than he does.
+19910205 Hey Dad, you know how you wanted me to shovel the driveway? Well I thought up a BETTER idea! I'll shovel and pack the snow into a big ramp! You can get in the car, rev up to near red line, throw out the clutch, leave a patch of multen rubber out the garage, and zoom up the ramp! Then we could line barrells and stuff down the driveway and see how many you could clear! Wouldn't that be great?? I don't see why some people even HAVE cars.
+19910206 AUGHHH! A SNOW SNAKE'S GOT ME! Horrible inner teeth on its separately moving upper jaw bones are pulling me down its frigid gullet! Run for your life! At least I HAVE a life... unlike some weirdos I know. I suppose if I had two X chromosomes, I'D feel hostile too.
+19910207 No one ELSE at office talks about this kind of thing.
+19910208 I like sledding DOWN hills. But I hate having to climb back up! It's too much work! It's boring! It's slow! I know! I'll sit on the sled and you PULL me up, OK? Run as fast as you can, and zigzag around trees and stuff! Even my FRIENDS don't do what I want.
+19910209 Calvin's been outside building something since early this morning. I can't tell what it is. Can you? It doesn't look like anything from here.
+19910210 ... so if we subtract five from... OUIR FEARLESS HERO ESCAPES! We join the valiant Spaceman Spiff as he flees his bloatoid captors! Our hero scrambles into his waiting spacecraft! Spiff pressurizes the magnetronic altitude-o-lators and hits the turbo hyper-thrust drive! Instantly our hero blasts to escape velocity! Half a micromoment later, Spiff is just another speck in the infinite sea of outer space! Alone and free in an endless frontier! Free to roam the heavens in man's noble quest to investigate the weirdness of the universe! Whee, what fun! I'm glad you could come home so early! C'mon ol' buddy! Let's go exploring and find some gross bugs! Hello? ... speaking... HE WHAT?!
+19910211 There's Susie! Heh heh! Watch me knock her fillings loose! YAAA! PIFF You know, I THOUGHT Earth's gravity felt exceptionally strong today. I guess that explains how you spilled your oatmeal down the heater this morning.
+19910212 Obviously I can't throw snowballs at Susie when Earth's gravity has increased. THIS is a job for... ...for? Mom must've put my cape in the wrong drawer!
+19910213 So who is this a job for? STUPENDOUS MAN! Mmf! Ghh! Super heroes wear snow pants? When there's snow out, they do! This looks like a REAL job for Stupendous Man! Well of course the zipper's going to get stuck if everyone stands around watching me!
+19910214 Earth's excessive gravity is no match for STUPENDOUS MAN's stupendous strength! With muscules of magnitude, the masked man of might rolls a gigantic snowball... and flies it high into the stratosphere... where he uses his stupendous vision to locate the diabolical arch-fiend ANNOYING GIRL!
+19910215 From high in the sky, STUPENDOUS MAN takes advantage of Earth's strong gravity! A direct hit! STUPENDOUS MAN triumphs! With ANNOYING GIRL vanquished, the whirlwind wonder zooms back to resume his secret identity! Did you save the day? Justice reigned once more! Calvin, Susie's Mom just called. I want to talk to you.
+19910216 Susie's Mom says you dropped a snowball the size of a bowling ball on Susie from a tree. It couldn't have been ME! I'm very mild mannered. She described exactly the hood and cape I made you. Why, it must've been STUPENDOUS MAN, defender of liberty and justice! I'm sure Susie deserved whatever she got. Listen to me. You could hurt someone that way, and if I ever hear of anything like this again, I'll take away your costume for good, got it? Hmm, this sounds like ANOTHER job for Stupendous Man! Actually, it doesn't sound like QUITE his type of job.
+19910217 Z
+19910218 Dad, how do soldiers killing each other solve the world's problems? I think grown-ups just ACT like they know what they're doing.
+19910219 Hi honey! How was school? I got stuck in my snow pants. Uh oh. What happened? Well, the zipper got covered with ice, so I tried to force it. Then my mitten got caught and jammed the zipper. I tried to PULL my snow pants off, but I forgot to take my boots off first, so THOSE got stuck, and then the pants got all twisted, so I fell over, and finally the teacher had to call two custodians to get me out! So I want to be sure to wear them again tomorrow.
+19910220 Look, I've got some modelling clay! What are you making? This is a hoof. A hoof? Right! This will be a life-size equestrian statue of me! A new horseman of the apocalypse, hmm? I think I'm going to need more clay.
+19910221 My essay is entitled "After school at my house". ...ahem... "It's not that I MIND being chained in the basement, it's just that when the meat is thrown down, the rats have the advantage of numbers, and they..." What, Miss Wormwood? Another parent-teacher conference? I told her to expect you to deny everything.
+19910222 SSS SNAP FSST POP! SNARRL YOWP GRR FSSSSS PSSSTSS GRR That's why I'M way over HERE.
+19910223 MOMM! MOM! What's the matter?? What's wrong? Hobbes wants a second good night kiss. IT'S TWO IN THE MORNING!! He says the first kiss didn't take. Hmph. I don't think THAT one took either. Oh go to sleep.
+19910224 Susie, would you do me a really big favor? No. Pleeeeease?? It's nothing bad. What is it? Just go up to my house, open the front door, and yell, "I'm home." Why should I? Um... it's a surprise. I mean, no reason. I just dare you. Well forget it. C'mon, there's nothing to it! Look, I'll give you a quarter if you'll do it! OK. Oh man, this is going to be great! Yes! Yes! I'm opening the door... She'll never know what hit her! Hee hee hee! I'M HOME! Thanks for the quarter, sucker. No wait! It didn't happen! Say it again! Doggone it! What's wrong with that furball?? Where's his killer instinct when you really ... WAAA KAPOW! Never never never never NEVER trust a tiger. I can always tell when it's you by the bad smell! Yoo hoo hoo!
+19910225 AUGH! Who did this? The Dame's scream hit an octave usually reserved for calling dogs, but it meant I had a case, and the sound of greenbacks slapping across my palm is music to my ears any day. After all, I'm not an opera critic. I'm a private eye.
+19910226 I keep two magnum's in my desk. One's a gun, and I keep it loaded. The other's a bottle and it keeps ME loaded. I'm Tracer Bullet. I'm a professional snoop. It's a tough job, but then, I'm a tough guy. Some people don't like an audience when they work. Enough of them have told me so with blunt instruments that I'm a phrenologist's dream come true. Snooping pays the bills, though. Especially Bill, my bookie, and Bill, my probation officer. So when a tall brunette opened my door with a case for me, my heart did a few calisthenics and I took the job.
+19910227 The dame said she had a case. She sounded like a case herself, but I can't choose my clients. She was the pushy type, the kind who'd break your heart, or maybe your arms. I hurried over. Either she had a psychotic decorator, or her place had been ransacked by someone in a big hurry. WELL?! How do you explain this? The dame was hysterical. Dames usually are.
+19910228 What have you got to say for yourself? Don't touch anything. I'm looking for clues. The click of a hammer being cocked behind my head focused my thoughts like only a loaded .38 can. The dame had set me up! She didn't want me to solve the case at all! She just wanted a patsy to pin the crime on! Well? I didn't like the way this story was shaping up, so I decided to write a new ending with my .45 automatic as co-author.
+19910301 I introduced the dame to a friend who's very close to my heart. Just a little down and left, to be specific. My friend is an eloquent speaker. He made three profound arguments, while I excused myself from the room. I always leave when the talk gets philosophical. You're in REAL trouble NOW, young man!!
+19910302 I'd just finished putting the puzzle pieces together when the dame's hired goon jumped out of nowhere and practiced for his chiropractic degree. When the discussion was done, an all-percussion symphony was playing in my head, and the accoustics were incredible. The orchestra went on a ten-city tour of my brain. And I had a season pass with front row seats. I had figured out who trashed the dame's living room, but since she wasn't my client any more, I felt no need to divulge that information. Besides, the culprit happened to be a buddy of mine. I closed the case. I guess we should've played outside, huh?
+19910303 Isn't it strange that evolution would give us a sense of homor? When you think about it, it's weird that we have a physiological response to absurdity. We LAUGH at nonsense. We LIKE it. We think it's funny. Don't you think it's odd that we appreciate absurdity? Why would we develop that way? How does it benefit us? I suppose if we couldn't laugh at things that don't make sense, we couldn't react to a lot of life. I can't tell if that's funny or really scary.
+19910304 What's up today? Nothing so far. "So far"? Well, you never know. Something COULD happen today. And if anything DOES, by golly, I'm going to be ready for it! I need a suit like that.
+19910305 I just saw a commercial for a luxury cruise. How come WE don't ever go on vacations like that? Vacations are all just a matter of comparison. Huh? We spend a week in cold, uncomfortable tents each year so living HERE the rest of the time seems like a luxury cruise. If your trips are unpleasant, your whole LIFE is a vacation. Please tell me I'm adopted.
+19910306 You know, I don't think math is a science. I think it's a religion. A religion? Yeah. All these equations are like miracles. You take two numbers and when you add them, they magically become one NEW number! No one can say how it happens. Either you believe it or you don't. This whole book is full of things that have to be accepted on faith! It's a religion! And in public schools no less. Call a lawyer. As a math atheist, I should be excused from this.
+19910307 An ordinary cheetah can go over 60 miles an hour. A human can hardly do a quarter of that. What a joke? You think cats are so great! Well humans don't HAVE to be so fast or so strong because WE'RE so much SMARTER! If cats are so great, how come they don't have cars, or rockets, or bombs, or nuclear... um... reactors, or... or... I mean... And we can see six times better at night than you can! Six TIMES! And boy, talk about agility! Hmph.
+19910308 AUGHH The thrill of the chase is so diminished when one's prey has little legs. OH, I'M REAL SORRY!
+19910309 Ha! I landed on chance. I get to take a card! Oh no! It says, "Defraud the bank. Computer scam diverse assets into your account. Collect $5,000." I think I'll buy a few dozen hotels. Ooh, you just wait till I land on chance! Monopoly is more fun when you make your own chance cards.
+19910310 Oh no! Look at poor Calvin! What's gone wrong? He's a crude black outline barely containing garish color! What a horrible fate! His eyes don't even point the same direction! Each eye sees a different view! His nostrils are on the front of his nose like a pig! His ears are just flaps on his head! And what's this stuff on top? Is that supposed to be HAIR?! AAUGHH! Calvin's hands are balls with sticks in them! He doesn't even have the right number of fingers! Where are his thumbs?? And his feet! They aren't the same size! They face out sideways! How can Calvin stand up? Who knows? Look at his moronic expression! His face reveals no spark of intelligence! Calvin is devoid of reality and substance! How can he be saved?? What can be done?? Here we go! Ha ha. RRRRRGGHH! I hate drawing! What a waste of time! Gee, it was getting pretty goot at the end.
+19910311 BOK BOK BOK BOK I kind of resent the manufacturer's implicit assumption that this would amuse me.
+19910312 Hey Dad, Hobbes says that tigers are more perfectly evolved than humans! He says that if the playing field was level and we didn't have guns, people would be nothing but CAT FOOD! Tell him that's not... There! 10 cents. We bet a quarter, you chiseler.
+19910313 BU-URRPP! CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP AUTHOR! AUTHOR! ENCORE! Philistines.
+19910314 I'm not going to school today. Oh, you're not? Nope! I'm staying home and watching television all day! Apparently I was misinformed.
+19910315 Today for show and tell I brought one of my own patent pending inventions! I have in my hand an invisible cretinizer! One shot renders the victim a babbling simp, a dolt, an utter moron! OH SURE, CALVIN! GIVE US A BREAK! As Ronald proves, it's quite effective even at long range. HEY!
+19910316 Find any dinosaur bones yet? Nope. I wish we lived in the badlands of Montana. It's easier there because erosion often exposes the bones. HERE though, you just have to start digging and hope for the best. Hence the systematic approach, hmm? Right. I guess I'll have to move that sapling.
+19910317 Uh oh. STOP THIS RIGHT NOW! I had big plans outside today and I don't want to see them ruined. HEY! ARE YOU LISTENING?! Stop raining! I mean it! BOOMM! Oh NO! You want to play rough, do you? FINE! It's man against the elements! Conscious being versus insentient nature! My wits against your force! WE'LL see who triumphs! DO YOUR WORST! C'MON. LET'S SEE WHAT YOU'VE GOT! You can't crush the human spirit! On behalf of all earthly life, I defy you!! Ha ha! This is just a little bath! Big deal! I think I'll take off my clothes and splash around! What do you say to THAT?! OW! OW! WHAT'S WITH THE HAIL?! THAT'S FIGHTING DIRTY! NO FAIR!! Are you trying to KILL me?! OW! What's going with you?! Ow! Ow! I'm going in! Ow! I quit! I quit! I'll bet there's an explanation for this, and I'll bet I don't want to hear it. The universe has an attitude, Mom!
+19910318 Well, look at you! Don't you look nice and neat! Yes, I believe in the importance of good grooming. Speaking of which, I'd better get in the tub if I want to be in bed on time. JUST WHAT ARE YOU UP TO?
+19910319 I heard Calvin splashing in the tub, but there's no water on the floor. His towel is hung to dry! The toothpaste cap is on! There's no mess anywhere! And you're already in bed?? Would you check over my homework tonight, so I can correct any mistakes in the morning before school? Thanks, Mom.
+19910320 Good morning, Mom. You're up and dressed? I didn't even call yoU! I like to get up early so the morning isn't rushed. And with the extra time, I can review my assignments and be better prepared for class. I'm bracing myself for when the other shop drops. Don't get up. I'll fix my own breakfast. Do we have any prunes?
+19910321 I made my bed and I put my breakfast dishes away! I'm off to school now! Have a good day. Thank you. I'll study hard. A good education is invaluable. This is working out great! I can't believe your Mom thinks that's you.
+19910322 I've got to say, Hobbes, I've really perfected my old duplicator THIS time! I'll grant it needed perfecting. It was so simple to add an ethicator! I don't know why I didn't think of it before! Now, instead of making a COMPLETE duplicate of me, I've made a duplicate of just my GOOD side! He does all the work and I get all the credit! He's a total sap! I know! I know the answer! You've gotten so many, let's let someone else try this one. OK, dear?
+19910323 Last time you made a duplicate of yourself, the DUPLICATE made duplicates, remember? It was a mess! True, but thanks to the ethicator, it can't happen THIS time! By only duplicating my GOOD side, I've ensured that THIS duplicate won't cause any trouble! He's a complete boy scout! There's nothing this twerp likes better than making everyone's life easier! He lives for it! The ethicator must've done some deep digging to unearth HIM! Talk about someone easy to exploit!
+19910324 I never get to do anything REALLY fun. If you're bored, go clean your room.
+19910325 When you're done putting my toys away, you can get to work on my math assignment. OK. Isn't this the life? We get to do whatever we want while goody-two-shoes here does all the work! He doesn't even complain! Virtue is its own reward. He doesn't complain, but his self-righteousness sure gets on my nerves.
+19910326 Hello, may I carry your books for you? Why? So you can throw them in a puddle or something? Forget it! I wouldn't do that! Yeah, you'd probably do something WORSE! You're not touching my books, Calvin! Strictly speaking, I'm not Calvin. I'm the physical manifestation of Calvin's GOOD side. If that was true, you'd be a lot smaller. Boy, have I heard THAT joke a lot. And if you think you can get my books by acting even weirder than usual, think again!
+19910327 Say, Calvin, that nice girl down the street seems to think you're a total jerk. Who, Susie? You weren't talking to Susie, were you? Yes. I offered to carry her books and she... YOU DID WHAT?! She clearly doesn't trust you at all. Oh, man! Nobody SAW you, did they?! They'll think it was ME! You want to make it look like I LIKE her?! She seemed upset, so this afternoon I took her some flowers I picked, but... AUGHH! AUGHH! AUGHH!
+19910328 I hear you're pretty smooth with the ladies! Woo woo woo! Oh, knock it off! It's that darn duplicate and you know it! Man, he's gone too far! I don't mind if he cleans my room and gets good grades, but by golly, I draw the line at being nice to Susie! Can't that duplicate tell she's a GIRL?! Oh, I think he's figured that out. I saw him cutting hearts out of red construction paper! WAUGH! ... And who could make My heart feel woozy? Only thou, my fair Sweet Susie.
+19910329 DON'T TELL ME MY DUPLICATE IS WRITING SUSIE MASH NOTES!! You little charmer, you! I'm the dictator-for-life of the Get Rid Of Slimy girlS club! My reputation! My honor! My principles! We've got to stop him! Oh no! He's not in my room! He must be on his way to Susie's house! You're probably going to get smoochies right now! Big wet ones, I bet! MORE sarcasm?! You come here again and I'll clobber you, Calvin.
+19910330 You again?! Was I here before? Are you crazy?! You were here just two minutes ago! Uh-oh. I'm not STILL here, am I? YOU'RE STANDING RIGHT THERE! WELL ANYONE CAN SEE THAT! AM I HERE ANYWHERE ELSE?! Sheesh. SLAM. Who can fathom the feminine mind? I like 'em anyway.
+19910331 It's true, Hobbes, ignorance IS bliss! Once you know things, you start seeing problems everywhere... ...and once you see problems, you feel like you ought to try to fix them... ...and fixing problems always seems to require personal change... ...and change means doing things that aren't fun! I say phooey to that! But if you're wilfully stupid, you don't know any better, so you can keep doing whatever you like! The secret to happiness is short-term, stupid self-interest! We're heading for that cliff! I don't want to know about it. WAAAUGGHHH! I'm not sure I can stand so much bliss. Careful! We don't want to learn anything from this.
+19910401 THERE you are! There YOU are! What's the big idea giving Susie a mushy valentine?! Are you nuts? She wouldn't even accept it! YOU'RE such a jerk, she always thinks you're up to something! Who are you calling a jerk, you namby-pamby goody-goody! YOU, you self-centered conniving brat! Wow, how existential can you get?
+19910402 So it's a fight you want, is it?! Why, I'll tear you limb from... Yeah? Yeah? Oops! I had an evil thought! FFTT. Another casualty of applied metaphysics. My ethicator machine must've had a built-in moral compromise spectral release phantasmatron! I'm a genius!
+19910403 You're the only person I know whose GOOD side is prone to badness. That's why he evaporated. He could only be perfectly good as an abstraction. In his human manifestation, he wanted to throttle me. He spectralized just in time! Fascinating. Yes. Of course, now you have to do your homework YOURSELF. Actually, now that my good side is no longer a physical being, I find him that much easier to ignore.
+19910404 Well, that's the end of chapter one. We'll stop here. No, read the whole book, OK? Calvin, there's a hundred more pages and it's late. We'll read another chapter tomorrow. No, no! Finish it tonight! Gee, you must really like this. I have to write a paper on it tomorrow.
+19910405 You know what I've noticed, Hobbes? Thinkgs don't bug you if you don't think about them. So from now on, I simply won't think about anything I don't like, and I'll be happy all the time. Don't you think that's a pretty silly and irresponsible way to live? What a pretty afternoon.
+19910406 What are you doing out in the rain? I'm engaging in a contest of wills! It's me against nature! It's me against nature! Which of us is going to give up first? Is NATURE going to give up and stop raining, or am I going to give up and go inside? So far, it's undecided, but I'm determined to win! OOOH, BIG NOISE! YOU DON'T SCARE ME! KEEP IT COMING! I'M NOT GOING IN! Poor guy just couldn't stand the suspense.
+19910407 This meeting of G.R.O.S.S. (Get Rid Of Slimy girlS) will come to order, dictator-for-life Calvin presiding! Hail Calvin and Hobbes! On today's agenda, we'll make a list of what girls are GOOD for. Obviously, this will be a short meeting! Ha! First tiger Hobbes will record the list for posterity! OK, first, girls are good for water balloon targets! Ha ha! Second, they're good for NOTHING! Ha ha ha! Hee hee, slow down! Number three, girls are good for colonizing Pluto! Ah ha ha! What a great list! Number four, they're good for smooching! Hoo hoo! Number five is... WHAT?!? Did you say SMOOCHING?? What kind of treasonous, sissy idea is THAT?! Well, it's true. OOOG! AAACK! I got the dry heaves!! You're demoted from First Tiger to Tiger Bulk Rate! You can't supress the facts! I award myself a medal of valor! How would you know it's a fact?! Have you been a traitor to the cause?! I have my sources! Ow! This unleader-like behaviour will be noted in the club minutes! Have you been smooching the enemy?! Out with it!! YOU have! I saw it, so don't try to deny it! ME?! That's a filthy lie! You'll pay for this vile slander! Oh yeah? Your Mom kissed you right on the cheek last night, remember? ...Oh yeah... I guess Mom IS kind of a girl, sort of... See? According to club rules, you should be excommunicated. OK, Presidential pardons all around! Agreed! We'll add an amendment saying smooching is optional, if it's your Mom. This is such a great club!
+19910408 I have an announcement. As of today, I will no longer respond to the name "Calvin". From now on, I wish to be addressed as "Calvin the Bold". Calvin the Bold? Right. That's my new name for the rest of my life. How about Calvin the deranged? Also, Calvin the Bold will being reffering to himself in the third person.
+19910409 Calvin, will you do the next problem, please? Calvin? Who?? YOU! CALVIN THE BOLD demands that he be addressed by his full title for any response. Back again, hmm, Calvin? Who?
+19910410 Calvin the bold! Yes? Kneel. Huh?? What? Kneel? By the finite patience vested in me, I hereby dub thee "Mud". You may rise. My name is MUD?! Mr. Subtlety drives home another point.
+19910411 MOMMM What's the matter?? How do ugly things like octopuses and hairy bugs reproduce? Are they actually ATTRACTED to each other? IT'S 3AM! GO TO SLEEP! Come to think of it, I wonder how PEOPLE are attracted to each other. I'll be that's why they close their eyes when they smooch.
+19910412 Look at what this dumb toaster did to my toast! It didn't cook it enough the FIRST time, so I pushed it down AGAIN and now ONE side's BURNED and other OTHER's hardly singed! That toaster ruined my toast! And yet... somehow... life goes on. Beneath that larger perspective is a guy who doesn't want to spring for a new toaster.
+19910413 You know, before there was television, kids actually DID things on nice days like this. Times sure change, huh Dad? Ever notice how Dad brings up subjects he doesn't want to talk about?
+19910414 RINNGG
+19910415 Pull me way back! More... more... more... Hold it!
+19910416 Let's say life is this square of the sidewalk. We're born at this crack and we die at that crack. Now we find ourselves somewhere inside the square, and in the process of walking out of it, suddenly we realize our time in here is fleeting. Is our quick experience here pointless? Does anything we say or do in here really matter? Have we done anything important? Have we been happy? Have we made the most of these precious footsteps??
+19910417 YOU'VE BEEN HITTING ROCKS IN THE HOUSE?! WHAT ON EARTH WOULD MAKE YOU DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT?! Poor genetic material? Bad guess.
+19910418 Want to see a great idea in action? First you drink half of the milk in your thermos. That leaves enough room so you can wad the rest of your lunch in there. See, here goes my jelly sandwich and a banana. Let it soak for a minute, then shake it all up into sludge and choke it down! Your stomach won't know the difference, and it saves your teeth undue wear and tear! Nobody likes my great ideas in action.
+19910419 I'd say I've had a pretty good life so far. In fact, looking back, I have only one regret. What's that? I regret I wasn't born with opposable toes.
+19910420 No text
+19910421 Calvin, the commercial airline pilot, decides not to fly to St. Louis as scheduled! Calvin doesn't WANT to see St. Louis. Calvin wants to see the GRAND CANYON! Tourists on the rim wave to Calvin's screaming passengers as the jet roars into the gorge! ... UP CLOSE! What a view! It's an experience none will ever forget! Everyone will be glad later that Calvin took this scenic detour! If I was driving, that's where we'd go. Well, you're NOT driving, and Arizona is NOT on the way to the grocery store.
+19910422 Attention! All rise! This meeting of G.R.O.S.S. is now called to order by the great grandiose dictator-for-life, the ruler supreme, the fearless, the brave, the held-high-in-esteem, Calvin the Bold! Yes, stand up and hail his humbleness now! May his wisdom prevail! Three cheers for First Tiger and El Presidente, Hobbes, the delight of all cognoscenti! He's savvy! He has a prodigious IQ, and lots of panache, as all tigers do! In his fancy chapeau, he's a leader with taste! May his orders be heeded and his views embraced! You can tell this is a great club by the way we start our meetings!
+19910423 This meeting of the Get Rid Of Slimy girlS club is now in session! First Tiger Hobbes will present our financial report. Wait, we didn't sing the G.R.O.S.S. anthem. We sing that at the END of the meeting. I want to sing it NOW. We can't. We have to follow proper protocol! See? It says on the agenda that we sing the anthem LAST! Ohhohh GROHOSS BEST CLUB IN THE COSMOS... STOP THAT YOU ANARCHIST!
+19910424 You get two demerits for singing the club anthem before it was on the agenda! Well YOU get FIVE demerits for not taking off your hat during its hallowed refrain! You can't give me demerits! I outrank you! Ha! You're just a figurehead! Your duties are ceremonial! I have all the REAL responsibilities! WHAT? I"m dictator-for-life! I have ten TIMES the importance of a lowly First Tiger! A HUNDRED times! A MILLION TIMES! If you're so important, how come you sing the soprano part of our anthem? THAT'S JUST TILL MY VOICE CHANGES!
+19910425 By golly, I won't stand for this insubordination! You are hereby demoted to "Club Mascot"! Oh yeah? Well YOU can be "Club Chowder Head", because I QUIT! I'm forming my OWN club, and it's going to be a lot better than THIS one! Ha! Your sorry won't have a cool acronym for a name, I'll bet! It will too! MY club is called "C.A.D." C.A.D? What's THAT supposed to stand for? "Calvin's A Dope"! THAT'S NOT A NAME FOR A CLUB!
+19910426 If you're club's called "Calvin's A Dope", then I'm changing the name of THIS club to "Hobbes is a mangy flea-ridden furball"! An insult! I declare eternal war on your club! Go ahead! From now on we're bitter enemies! Wait till you see my cunning strategies! I'll have maps and secret codes! I'll have strategies! I'll have maps! I'll have codes! They'll all be better than yours! I'm going to write myself a message in code right now! It says, "Calvin smells like a baboon!" Ha! I broke your code already! And I do NOT!
+19910427 When you see how cool MY club is, you'll beg to be in it, but I won't let you! Who needs your stinky club?! I've got my own club! My club dedicates itself to the destruction of your club! Good! IT's a battle to the finish! This is total war! Oh yeah? We'll see about THAT! What? Only in your dreams, fuzzy face! Hey Calvin! Who are you yelling at up there? Yikes! Shh! It's Susie!
+19910428 Calvin the bug zips across the room in erratic loops... annoying everyone with his incessant whine and dizzying commotion! Worse still, he gets into the cookies, spreading filth and contamination everywhere! Yes, he's a disgusting menace to sanity and health! What a pest! Ha ha ha! What happened? I got swatted.
+19910429 Hobbes, it's Susie! She's right under us! It's the chance of a lifetime! Real smooth, pass me the bag of rotten apples we've been saving! Quick! Quick! What about our war? I thought I was out of the club! All charges are dropped! you're back in! You're back in! Maybe I want a promotion first. IT'S YOURS! NAME IT! JUST GIVE ME THE MUSHY APPLES! Mushy apples? Who are you talking to? Susie, don't move, OK? Stay exactly where you are.
+19910430 YAA! YAA! GET RID OF SLIMY GIRLS! HA HA! Ooh, is she mad at you! Ha ha ha! Our club is a success! I think she's running off to tell on us. Who cares! It was worth it! What a perfect plan! Talk about something we'll look back on with pride in our declining years!
+19910501 Susie Derkins says you were throwing mushy apples at her! We were getting rid of slimy girls! That's our club! Well STOP it! You know better than that! I think you'd better come inside. You can tell this is a great club because we always get in trouble for following our charter!
+19910502 You know everyone says you should stop and smell the roses? Well, this morning I did. BIG DEAL! They smelled like a bunch of dumb flowers! It was the most mundane experience I've ever had! Who's got time for this nonsense! I'm a busy guy! I've got things to do! The LAST think I need is to stand around with my nose in some silly plant! I'm glad you found time for this edifying conversation. Yeah well, I'm going to have to wrap it up. My TV show is about to start.
+19910503 OOOOOEEE EEBOOEE BOOEEBOO WAHHHOOOO That's my siren so you know I'm coming. Kids don't NEED sirens.
+19910504 They say the secret of success is being at the right place at the right time. But since you never know when the right TIME is going to be, I figure the trick is to find the right PLACE, and just hang around! Being with you, it's just one epiphany after another. And if the right place is in front of the drug store, we could read comic books while we wait!
+19910505 I've been reading about the beginning of the universe. They call it "The Big Bang". Isn't it weird how scientists can imagine all the matter of the universe exploding out of a dot smaller than the head of a pin, but they can't come up with a more evocative name for it than "The Big Bang"? That's the whole problem with science. You've got a bunch of empericists trying to describe things of unimaginable wonder. What would you call the creation of the universe? "The HORRENDOUS SPACE KABLOOIE!" Hmm... that IS better. Almost anything would be. We should lobby to change that. And I think "Tyrannosaur" should be changed to monstrous killer death lizard".
+19910506 Oh, Mary, you look RAVISHING in that skimpy negligee! Mmm... darling, don't you wish we were married? But we ARE! ... or did you mean to eath other? I've got to have you! Let's murder our spouses! MURDER?! You sick animal! I love it when you talk that way. Come here! KISS KISS Sometimes I think I learn more when I stay home from school.
+19910507 MOM, CAN I SET FIRE TO MY BED MATRESS? No, Calvin. CAN I RIDE MY TRICYCLE ON THE ROOF? No, Calvin. Then can I have a cookie? No, Calvin. She's on to me.
+19910508 No, Mom! Don't put me to bed. I instructed Hobbes to messily devour anyone who brings me in before 9P.M. Your stuffed tiger is in the washing machine. Fine time to take a BATH! Listen, just because YOU never take one...
+19910509 Did you watch the movie on TV last night? Nope. Did you watch the game then? Nope. Did you watch any TV last night? Nope. Then what did you watch?
+19910510 Insurance?? What a dumb idea! Why would anyone buy insurance from you?!? Thwping!
+19910511 Hello, Dad! It is now three in the morning. Do you know where I am?
+19910512 Calvin the ant puts down his grain of sand. He's sick of working all the time! He hates cooperating with all the other ants! Calvin doesn't WANT to labor for the benefit of the colony! He's an individual with his own needs and desires! From now on, Calvin the ant calls his OWN shots! Let some other sap do the queen's bidding! If you won't help US around the house, why should we work to feed and shelter YOU?! Calvin the flea sucks the blood of his angry host in parasitic contentment!
+19910513 Calvin, are you going to take that stuffed tiger to school again? Sure. Don't the kids make fun of you? Tommy Chesnut did once, and now nobody does. Why, what happened to Tommy Chesnut? Hobbes ate him! Ugh! He needed a bath too ...
+19910514 Calvin! What's all this noise?! You're supposed to be asleep! Monsters under the bed Dad! I was whacking one with my baseball bat! Goodness Calvin, it's just your stuffed tiger! You should put away your toys! Sorry, ol' buddy, good thing I missed occasionally, huh? Yeah, let me see your bat a minute.
+19910515 Here comes the sports car at 200 miles per hour! Here comes the cement truck! Look out! And here comes an inflammable chemical truck! Oh no!! This ought to be good.
+19910516 Calvin! What are you doing to our yard?!? Making speed bumps.
+19910517 I wonder where we go when we die. Pittsburgh? You mean if we're good or if we're bad?
+19910518 We're lost again. Ha! We're brave explorers! The word lost isn't even in our vocabulary! How about the word "Mommy"? Mommmyyy!!
+19910519 Z PSST! Hey kid, wake up! A MONSTER! He heh! Splash splash splash splash splash splash! STOP THAT! I know what you're up to! What's he doing? He's trying to make me have to go to the bathroom. Drop drop dop! Fwoosh sploosh fwoosh sploosh! As soon as I get out of the bed, he'll grab me and suck out my innards with some vile proboscis! Fwishh splish fwishh splish! That's terrible! Will they stop at nothing?! His plan is working too! I'll never make it till morning! Splash splash splash splash splash! I have to go. But I can't get out of bed! What am I going to do?? The plants on this side of the house sure don't do very well.
+19910520 It says here that by the age of six ... most children have seen a million murders on television. I find that very disturbing! It means I've been watching all the wrong channels.
+19910521 I'm not eating this green stuff. Yecchh! Good idea, Calvin. It's a plate of toxic waste that will turn you into a mutant if you eat it. Mmmm. Scrape. Urf. Smack. There has got to be a better way to make him eat! Ahhh ... I can feel it working.
+19910522 Dad, how come you live in this house with mom ... instead of an apartment with several scantily clad female roommates? Boy! Ask a simple question, and get all your television privileges revoked.
+19910523 Hobbes, have you ever kissed a girl? A few I guess. Really? What was it like? Mmmmmmmm Pop! ... only a lot more so! Gaack! I was hoping it wouldn't be so fuzzy ...
+19910524 What do you find attractive in women, Hobbes? Well, I've always been partial to redheads ... with green eyes. I like green eyes ... and whiskers! Long whiskers! Let's change the subject.
+19910525 Having transformed myself into a werewolf, I search for human sacrifice! Hi Dad! Mm ... hello. Calvin, stop that disgusting drooling!
+19910526 AAAAAAAAA Hm... I don't think so. Oh, C'mon. I'm right here.
+19910527 All right class, who would like to give his book report first? Calvin, how about you? Calvin? Calvin? Spaceman Spiff cooly draws his death ray blaster ...
+19910528 2 + 7 = I cannot answer this question, as it is against my religious principles. It's worth a shot.
+19910529 Hobbes, what do you think happens to us when we die? I think we play saxophone for an all-girl cabaret in New Orleans. So you believe in heaven? Call it what you like.
+19910530 We are a fierce and dirty band of cutthroat pirates! Keep a sharp lookout Matey. We want no sissy girls on our ship! We don't like girls? Of course not dummy! We're a murderous bunch of pirates, remember?! Who do we smooch then?
+19910531 What did you bring for show and tell Susie? I brought a letter I wrote to our congressman. What did you bring? A bag of dead bugs I collected from our window sills. Best of all, this way mom didn't have to pack me a lunch!
+19910601 We'll Hobbes, we did it again. We're separated from the troop and hopelessly lost. Fortunately, our motto is "Be prepared." With this full backpack we can stay out here for weeks! Just so long as we don't get hungry.
+19910602 If you don't want to play with old geezers, you have to make golf a CONTACT sport!
+19910603 Calvin, pass this note to Jessica. It's a secret note, so don't read it. Calvin you stinkhead: I told you not to read this. Susie.
+19910604 That dirty Susie Derkins. She'll be sorry if she tries to pass another note. Psst ... Calvin! Pass this secret note to Jessica, okay? Teacher! Susie's passing notes! Take this away and read it in front of the class! "Dear Jessica, you know what I hate about Calvin? He's a squealer! Signed, Susie." I hope you know a good dentist, Susie ...
+19910605 Now look! You got us sent to the principal's office! Gosh! Do you think we'll get paddled?? They can't paddle me! I'm a girl!! What's that got to do with it? Girls have more delicate heinies.
+19910606 Calvin, I don't want to be spanked! What if it goes on our academic transcripts? We'll be ruined! Sniff. Darn you Calvin!! You're gonna answer to my parents if I can't get my masters degree!
+19910607 Calvin and Susie, would you come in my office please? It was all his fault Mr. Spittle! That's a lie! She started it! Are you going to spank us?? I'll never pass notes again! Don't spank us!! Waaahhhh!! I wish we we were dead!! I hate this job.
+19910608 Now I want you both to pay better attention in class. Understood? Yes sir. Okay, you may return to your room now. Thank you Mr. Spittle. Calvin? You may return to your room. Calvin? The Zorg draws nearer Spiff sets his blaster on "medium well" ...
+19910609 FWOOSHH In order to determine if there is any universal moral law beyond human convention, I have devised the following test. I will throw this water balloon at Susie Derkins unless I receive some sign within the next 30 seconds that this is wrong. It is in the universe's power to stop me. I'll accept any remarkable physical happenstance as the sign that I shouldn't do this. Ready?... GO! Tum te tum doo doo ... Nothing's happeniinngg... five seconds to go! TIME'S UP! That proves it! There's no moral law! WHEEE! Ha ha! HEY SUSIE!! SPLOOSH HELP! HELP! HELP! Why does the universe always give you the sign AFTER you do it??
+19910610 Hi, Dad. It's me Calvin! How's work going? ... uh huh ... pretty day out, isn't it? ... yep ... are you bringing me home any presents tonight? ... no? Well, just thought I'd ask ... listen, I suppose you're wondering why I called ...
+19910611 Dad, your polls took a big dive this week. Your "Overall Dad performance" rating was especially low. See? Right about yesterday your popularity went down the tubes. Calvin, you didn't get dessert yesterday because you flooded the house!! I'd suggest a new line of work "Dad" ...
+19910612 The giant slimy octopus oozes across the beach. His hideous presence terrorizes the sleepy waterfront community. With a sucker-covered tentacle, he grabs an unsuspecting tourist. A muffled scream lingers in the salty air! Did you want something Calvin?
+19910613 Uh-oh. Here comes Moe. The class bully! Okay twinky, let's have that ball. Sure, Moe. All yours. Never argue with a six-year-old who shaves.
+19910614 Hey! You took my favorite swing! That's true Moe. How about that? ... uh ... His train of thought is still boarding at the station.
+19910615 Moe, I was wondering something. Are you maladjusted antisocial tendencies the product of your breserk pituitary gland! What? Isn't he great folks? Let's give him a big hand.
+19910616 Ahh, this is the life! Outside in the fresh air, all alone... no distractions, no irritations... nothing but quiet and serenity... a chance to get a feel for the land... the exhilaration of speed... the opportunity to reflect on things and let the mind wander... *sighhh* Getting out like this really makes the rat race seem ridiculous. The weekends just aren't long enough to do what's important. You know, I think I'll quit my job and ride my bicycle all the time. OK Dear, want me to call the bike shop and see if they'll sponsor your mid-life crisis? Yeah. Ask them if they'll upgrade my shifters too.
+19910617 A bushel is a unit of weight equal to four pecks. What's a peck? A quick smooch. You know, I don't understand math at all.
+19910618 Mom, can I have some money so Hobbes and I can go to a movie? What movie? The cuisinart murder of central high. I really think there are more constructive ways you could spend your afternoon Calvin. What did she say? Oh, she went off on one of her irrelevant tangents again.
+19910619 Do you believe our destinies are controlled by the stars? No, I think we can do whatever we want with our lives. Not to hear Mom and Dad tell it.
+19910620 Ready? No. Hurry up! Okay, I'm ready!
+19910621 I have a question. Do you believe in life after death? You know, reincarnation? You just steer, okay?
+19910622 Meed and mild-mannered Calvin ducks into a nearby closet and transforms himself into ... Captain Napalm protector of the American way! Endowed with superhuman powers, he quickly ... Mommmmmmm!
+19910623 The aliens came from a far distant world in a large yellow ship that blinked as it twirled. It rounded the moon and entered our sky. We knew they had come but we didn't know why. Bright the next morning, with noisy comotion, the ship slowly moved out over the ocean. It lowered a tube and drained the whole sea for transport back home to their galaxy. The tube then sucked up the clouds and the air, causing no small amount of earthling despair. With nothing to breathe, we started to die. "Help us! Please stop!" was the public outcry. A hatch opened up and the aliens said, "We're sorry to learn that you will soon be dead, but though you may find this slightly macabre, we prefer your extinction to the loss of our job." That's my science fiction story. Think that's too far-fetched? Not enough, really.
+19910624 Hey, Calvin, it's gonna cost you 50 cents to be my friend today. And what if I don't want to be your friend today? Then the janitor scrapes you off the wall with a spatula. Heck. What's a little extortion among friends?
+19910625 I got the new album by Scrambled Debutante. All their songs glorify depraved violence, mindless sex, and the deliberate abuse of dangerous drugs. Your Mom's going to go into conniptions when she sees this lying around. Well I sure didn't buy it for the music ...
+19910626 Mom, will you drive me into town? Why should I drive you Calvin? It's a perfect day outside! What do you think people have feet for? To work the gas pedal.
+19910627 Calvin, you're not paying attention again! Spaceman Spiff, conqueror of the cosmos, is trapped by a hideous Zondarg! With lightining speed, Spiff bolts for the air lock, making a daring escape! Nice try Calvin.
+19910628 I'm home! Did you feed Hobbes today Mom? No dear, it must have slipped my mind. Thanks Mom. You wanna just douse me in steak sauce before I go to my room?
+19910629 Mommmm! I'm thirsty! What's this? Just water?
+19910630 Something's wrong! We should've touched down by now! Oh no! We miscalculated! Reduce forward momentum! Landing leg is out of alignment! Communications lines are broken! View ports open! Focus! Focus! Rotate upper appendages! AAUGH! RED ALERT! We're going down! Crash positions! Adrenalin at maximum! Retract left landing leg! Redistribute all weight! It's too late! Prepare for impact! Circuit overload! Essential functions only! AAAAAAAAAAA KABOOM Goodness! Are you all right?? Damage assessment is under way.
+19910701 I need help on my homework. What's a pronoun? A noun that lost its amateur status. Maybe I can get a point for originality.
+19910702 Leave your tiger in the car Calvin. Can't Hobbes come along Dad? He won't eat anybody! No Calvin. Lets go. Well, at least let me open the window and give him some air. See if he'll leave the keys too, so I can listen to the radio.
+19910703 Calvin, your mother and I have decided to give you an allowance. It's important that one learns the value of money. Money! Ha ha ha! I'm rich! I'm rich! I can buy off anyone! The world is mine! Power! Friends! Prestige! I blew it again dear!
+19910704 When I grow up, I want to be a radical terrorist. Mm hmm ... I'm going to inhale this can of pesticide. Mm hmm ... I'm going to watch TV all night. That's what you think buster! You can never tell if they're listening or not.
+19910705 Here's a good movie! "Vampire Sorority Babes!" It says you have to be eighteen to get in. Heck, that's no problem! Let's go! This is a new one. Two please ... I mean one.
+19910706 I think it's time we had a new Dad around here. When does your term of office expire? Sorry Calvin, I was appointed Dad for life. For life?! What about a recall vote? What about impeachment? There are no provisions for either. Did you write this constitution yourself or what? Well, your mom helped some too.
+19910707 Ooh, these bug bites itch! But I won't scratch! It's mind over matter. I deny I itch! Aaaahh Oh man, it was worth it.
+19910708 You're gonna taste asphalt fifth period Twinky. Just so you know. Great. I'm dead. Fifth period - "Studies in contemporary state-sponsored terrorism." Also known as gym class.
+19910709 I can't get a baby sitter anywhere! What should we do? We won't be gone long couldn't Calvin be left for a couple of hours unsupervised? Ha ha ha ha! Ho ho ho hoo hoo har ha ho. Seriously what should we do?
+19910710 Okay Calvin. We'll be back in a couple of hours. You and Hobbes just watch TV and be good okay? Did you hear that? We get to watch TV!! Horray! Videorama? I'd like to rent a VCR and some movies! Ask if they have "Attach of the Coed Cannibals."
+19910711 Well, the house is still standing. Calvin must have gone to bed. His light is still on. Calvin? Are you awake? Eep! Did you watch a scary movie?!? No, don't come in. the rug is rigged too.
+19910712 Whap! Smash. Tinkle. Ding. Shatter. Clink. Wow. First try!
+19910713 Downtown tokyo! Aarrghhgh! Godzilla.
+19910714 The fearless Spaceman Spiff flies low over an uncharted planet! Suddenly, the alien-indicator light flashes! The bizarrotron shows a 3.7 weirdness level! our hero hits the decelerator! Watching for the alien, Spiff reflects that weirdness is nature's way of adapting life to its environment. Species are endlessly inventive in their will to survive! ZOUNDS!! THERE IT IS! What horrible circumstances of evolution would conspire to make a creature so profoundly UGLY? Our hero moves in for further examination of its hideousness! WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?? GET AWAY FROM ME!! According to Spiff's field guide, the creature is a "gurl". Spiff makes a note that the bizarrotron has been reading a bit low lately. WEIRDO!
+19910715 Do you love me dad? Of course I do Calvin. Would you still love me if I did something bad? Well of course I would. I mean something really really ... Calvin, what did you do?!
+19910716 Well Dad, your polls are real high this week. I'm glad to hear that. Yep, those polled think you are doing a fine job as a Dad. In fact, with a little push today, your political stock could reach a record high. Nice try. Go help your Mom with the dishes. Ooh Dad! Suicide! Ooh! Ooh!
+19910717 Here comes Moe, the class bully. He's not smart but he's streetwise. That means he knows what street he lives on.
+19910718 Toll booth Dad! You can't put the car in until you pay me a quarter! Why should I pay you to put my car in my garage? Because if you don't I'll pull the door down on the hood as you drive in! What a cheapskate.
+19910719 A little lower ... ok, fine! Thanks for helping me put up this swing. Where did you ever find this great tire? Calvin! I've got to go to work!!
+19910720 What's that cereal you're eating? It's my new favorite, "Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs." Have a taste. Thank you. Mffpbth!! S-sw-sw sweet!! Actually they're kinda bland till you scoop sugar on 'em.
+19910721 It's hard to believe your conscience lets you sleep that well. NOW it does.
+19910722 Can I be excused? Not until you finish your salmon. Blaughhh! Can I eat it upstairs while I do my homework? Well, I suppose. I brought you your favorite! How's it coming? Well, I couldn't figure out this subtraction problem, so I put "Atlanta, Georgia" ...
+19910723 Hey, Susie, wanna see a magic trick? First, I'll need a ordinary quarter ... Now I'll disappear! Ha ha ha! Hey! Didn't I say it was a trick??
+19910724 Look! A decoder ring! Wow! We can send each other secret messages in code! Ha ha! Now Mom and Dad won't be able to understand us at all! ... not that they do anyway ...
+19910725 Rise and shine Calvin! Mfgpbthbbpt The early bird gets the worm! Big incentive.
+19910726 I've decided we should be "cooler" than we are. We're not cool? Sure we're cool. But we're not as cool as we could be. Cool people wear dark glasses! It's cool to bump into things? You don't move, just hang around.
+19910727 Hey Dad, will you buy me a flame thrower? Of course not. Don't be silly. Even if I didn't use it in the house?
+19910728 CALVIN, PAY ATTENTION!! AAAAAAA We're studying GEOGRAPHY! Now what state do you live in? Denial. ...sighhhh... I don't suppose I can argue with THAT...
+19910729 Why can't I stay up late? You guys can! It's not fair! The world isn't fair Calvin. I know, but why isn't it ever unfair in my favor?
+19910730 The valiant Spaceman Spiff is being pursued by a disgusting scum being! Spiff spots his hovering spaceship and bolts for the ladder! But he's too late! The awful scum being is upon him! It's all over! It's all over!! I told you three times recess was over! Now get inside!
+19910731 As dictator, I have the sole voice in government! I will not tolerate dissent! I alone shall decide the good! I alone shall ... time for bed, Calvin. Couldn't we vote on this?
+19910801 If you could wish for anything, what would it be? A big sunny field to be in. A stupid field?! You've got that now! Think big! Riches! Power! Pretend you could have anything! Actually, it's hard to argue with someone who looks so happy.
+19910802 Here fish! They must know that one.
+19910803 Aaghh! Chomp! Are the fish biting? Drop dead, Hobbes.
+19910804 WUMP AAAAAA I need to make friends with some less territorial animals.
+19910805 I can't get this model airplane to look right. These directions are impossible! Rrrrrggghhhhh wham wham wham! Hit by anti-aircraft guns. Your planes do seem to run into those. Don't they?
+19910806 Tommy told a funny story at school today. I almost died! Tell it to me. Well, actually the story itself wasn't so funny ... it was the way he told it. How did he tell it? He was drinking milk and when he laughed it came up his nose!
+19910807 You've got two periods to live, Twinky. Then it's gym class, and I turn you into hamburger casserole! I hate gym class. Coach thinks violence is aerobic.
+19910808 Where's my jacket? I've looked everywhere! Under the bed, over my chair, on the stairs, on the hall floor, in the kitchen ... it's just not anywhere! Oh, here it is! Who put it in the stupid closet?!?
+19910809 Hocus-pocus, Abracadabra! I command my homework to do itself! Homework, be done! Flip flip flip. Rats.
+19910810 Do you ever think about the end of the world as we know it? You mean for nuclear war? I think mom was referring to if she ever catches me letting the air out of the car tires again.
+19910811 BLECHHH
+19910812 Calvin, the human insect walks across the dinner table. With proportional insect strength. He places a giant pea on the edge of a spoon. He then climbs to the top of the other end ... and with a tiny jump ... Calvin stop that!
+19910813 In his minuscule size it takes Calvin, the human insect, ten minutes to walk across a book's page! At the other end, he slowly lifts the gigantic sheet! Then it's another ten-minute journey back as he turns it over! Gee, the kids been quiet for almost twenty minutes. He's doing his homework.
+19910814 Here's a movie we should watch. Who's in it? It says "Japanese cast." "Two big rubbery monsters slug it out over a major metropolitan centers in a battle for world supremacy." Doesn't that sound great? And people say that foreign film is inaccessible.
+19910815 Oh, Rosalyn, you're here! Good. Come in! We really appreciate your coming on such short notice. We've had a terrible time getting a baby sitter for tonight. Ha ha. Maybe little Calvin here has gotten himself a reputation. Ha ha. You have the half up front? Yes, let me get my purse ...
+19910816 Hi, Baby Doll. It's me. Yeah. I'm baby sitting the kid down the street. Yeah. That's right. The little monster ... mmm? Well so far no problem. He hasn't been any trouble you just have to show these kids who's the boss. Mm hmm. How much longer till she lets us out of the garage? She said 8 o'clock and it's almost 6:30 now.
+19910817 Thanks again for baby sitting Rosalyn. Calvin was no trouble at all. That's good. I'll get the car and drive you home. There you go. Good night. Thank you. Good night. Is she gone?
+19910818 I don't like the real experience. It's too weird to figure out! You never know what's going on! You don't have any control over events! I prefer to have life filtered through television. That way you know events have been packaged for your convenience! I like a narrative imposed on life, so everything logically proceeds to a tidy conclusion. And if you don't like what's happening, "click", you change the channel and there's something different! That's how real life should be. "Click". Oh good, a farce!
+19910819 Susie, wanna hear a secret? Sure. I think the principal is a space alien spy. He's trying to corrupt our young innocent minds so we'll be unable to resist when his people invade the Earth! Promise not to tell anyone? Don't worry.
+19910820 Hobbes, what should I do when Moe comes to beat me up in gym class? Well, you can always do what we tigers do when a rhino charges. What's that? We scramble like maniacs for the nearest tree. That's your advice?!? To sit in a tree all day? It doesn't impress the girls, of course, but there's no sense in impressing them and then getting killed my dad used to say.
+19910821 Hobbes, I need your help. that bully Moe. Keeps pushing me around. So I want you to come to school and eat him ok? Eat him? Sure! Tigers eat people allthe time! What if the cafeteria ladies won't let me use the oven?
+19910822 It's too early to be in bed. It's hardly even dark out. Why do I have to be in bed? It's ridiculous. I'm not even tired! I don't need to be in bed! This is an outrage! It's the stupidest thing I can imagine! I think Mom and Dad are just trying to get rid of me. I can't sleep at all. Can you sleep, Hobbes? No!
+19910823 Ok, Mom. Hobbes and I have formed a lobby. We want more privileges. more privileges? Like what? You've got it made! No responsibilities, no cares, no worries! What more could you possibly want? Why didn't you tell her about the credit cards in our names? You heard her. She's in one of her moods.
+19910824 I love Saturdays! I love Saturday I get up at six and eat three bows of Crunch Sugar Bombs. Then I watch cartoons till noon, and I'm incoherent and hyperactive the rest of the day. Does it work? No brothers or sisters so far!
+19910825 Whatcha doin'? Mom won't get me a springboard so I'm making my own. Now you can watch me do the highest jump into the leafpile you ever saw. HERE I GOO! YAA HOOP BONK GAA! WAP! OFF! BOP Why wouldn't your Mom get you a springboard? She was afraid I'd hurt myself.
+19910826 In the commercials, this cola greatly increases one's sex appeal. Glick glick glick glick. Bur-ur-urpp!! Evidently a little license on Madison Avenue's part. Phoo! Right up my nose.
+19910827 It's an outrage that six-year-olds can't vote! Here I am, a US citizen, with no voice in our representative government! You're concerned about the direction the country is headed? No, I just want a bigger piece of the pie.
+19910828 Poof poof poof. Pow! Good heavens, I think I blew my face inside out!
+19910829 The water's too cold! Now it's too hot. Now it's too cold. Now it's too deep.
+19910830 The fearsome shark senses distress in the waves above him! He circles up, closer and closer to the terrified victim! Hey! Yahh! Snap! Thrash! You know, for someone who hates baths as much as you do, you're not making this go any faster! Another gruesome kill.
+19910831 Here Calvin, I'll show you a magic trick. See? I pulled a dime from your ear! Pretty good huh? Anything yet? J-just a b-b-bloody n-nose.
+19910901 Hmm.. you don't have a fever. That's good. My throat's still kind of scratchy. I think I should stay home from school tomorrow. We'll see. You keep resting and I'll fix some soup to bring you. OK. Not feeling so good?? YIPE! I'm FINE! I'm the picture of health! I feel great! And I know what you're thinking, you savage! By golly, if you try carrying me off to dispatch, you'll be in for a big surprise! Get away from me! Here's your soup. Goodness, you're all sweaty! Let me take your temperature again. I'll bet OTHER people's best friends don't wait for them to get sick and weak.
+19910902 I've never been this high in a tree before. Me either, you can see for miles from up here. I'll say! I'm glad we're up here. That was quite a crash, wasn't it?
+19910903 The rain stopped! This is the best time to go wormmucking. Let's go! What's that? It's when you walk on the pavement and much all the worms.
+19910904 Calvin, quit charging around the house!! Smash! Bink bonk boom. What did I just tell you?!? Beats me. Weren't you listening either?
+19910905 Bang! You're dead! No I'm not you missed. I did not! You cheater! I'm here talking to you aren't I? Ok, then ... bang! My, what a miserable shot you are!
+19910906 Hurry up, Calvin, our reservation is for 7:00. Can Hobbes come to the restaurant? No. why not? We're afraid he might eat someone. Let's go. That's right you probably would wouldn't you. I can never stay on a diet in a restaurant.
+19910907 Arr! Look alive. Ye scurvy scalliwags! Thars a frigat to board! Run up the skull and crossbones! Prepare the plank! Our ship is a plank. And you're going to walk it, wise guy!
+19910908 We think EVERY sport should be played cross-country.
+19910909 A bee landed on your back! A bee?! Acckk! Get it away!! Don't move, and it won't sting you. Just stand still and try not to imagine that it might very well crawl down your shirt and into your pants! He imagined it.
+19910910 Ok, let's flush it! Flush. Ha ha ha. Hee hee! That was great! Let's do it again! Flush. I don't want to know what he's doing do you. No, let's go check.
+19910911 I've had trouble choosing a new hobby. First I wanted to collect bugs. Then I wanted to collect stamps. What did you decide on? Stamped bugs.
+19910912 Everbody I know has either cable TV or a VCR! They can watch anything they want! But me? I have to watch dumb ol' summer repeats! I have to watch the same garbage over and over! How cruelly we mistreat you Calvin. ... so then he gave me "Oliver Twist" to read, and said I might identify with it. Rats ... and "Sorority Row Horror" is on cable tonight.
+19910913 I got a helium balloon. Very nice. I'm going to stand on this ladder and let the balloon carry me up and away. Nothing's happening. Try jumping. See? There goes the balloon and you didn't hang on.
+19910914 Flush! Whee! Ha ha ha! I'm done with my bath. Mm ... that was quick.
+19910915 Wow! Calvin suddenly finds himself on his own sheet of notebook paper! Fortunately, Calvin has been doodling all morning. Here's a tank! Pleased by how well it's rendered, Calvin climbs in! The blue ruled guide lines are no match for the tank's heavy treads! Calvin roars across the page anywhere he wants! There's the school! Calvin fires directly into Miss Wormwood's classroom! Kids dive out of the windows! Oh no! Miss Wormwood has come to put a stop to Calvin's fun! He fires again and again, but she's too big and mean! Hand it over, Leonardo, and see me after class. The arts are always the first to go in public schools.
+19910916 C'mon Calvin! I signed you up for swimming lessons. I don't want swimming lessons!! Too late. Let's go. What about Hobbes? Did you sign him up too? No, it's not good to get tigers wet. Why is that? It takes us all day to dry, and until we do we smell funny.
+19910917 I can't believe my mom signed me up for swimming lessons. Here I am freezing my buns off at 9 in the morning, about to jump into ice water and drown. The only thing that could possibly make this worse would be if the class was ... taught by my sadistic baby sitter!! Well, look who's here!
+19910918 Ok ... everyone in the water! I refuse! I'm freezing already! Calvin, do you know what a "Rat Tail" is? No. it's when you soak a towel and twist it up into a whip. It stings like crazy and is much worse than being cold. Get my drift? I always though lifeguards were just taught how to resuscitate people and things like that.
+19910919 This water is freezing! I'm going to go into shock and drown, I just know it. I bet the lifeguard is involved in some insurance scam and she's going to let us all drown like rats! Oh no! oh no! ok, first we're going to learn the "deadmans float." Mom!! Helpp! Helpp! What I put up with to pay for college.
+19910920 I don't want to learn how to swim! I don't need to know how. I'll just stay on dry land all my life. What if you fall out of a boat? No big deal.
+19910921 Forty minutes of terror! Why did you sign me up for this? Why not something fun. Like hang gliding or sharpshooting? Or driving lessons! I could be taking driving lessons and learning something useful! How about piano lessons? You start Tuesday? Ack! No no no no no no no no no.
+19910922 WATCHOO
+19910923 Hi Calvin, what are you doing? Big important secret things! Go away! Get lost! All right, dandelion head! Who cares what you do anyway! We're doing great things. We're having fun! I thought we were bored out of our skulls. Oh hush. You don't know anything.
+19910924 That stupid Calvin. He's so mean. All I try to do is be friends, and he treats me like I'm nobody. Well, who needs jerks like him anyway? I don't need him for a friend. I can have fun by myself! Poop!
+19910925 Susie, Hobbes thought I was rude, so I'm sorry, and you can come play with us if you want. Thanks, Calvin. That's really nice of you. Ok, we'll play house now. I'll be the high-powered executive wife, the tiger here can be my unemployed, housekeeping husband, and you can be our bratty and brainless kid in a day care center. This was your idea, pea brain. Don't you talk to your father that way! I'm off to wall street. Don't wait up.
+19910926 The aliens are gaining on our hero! In a surprise move, Spaceman Spiff shifts into reverse! The aliens roar ahead! Spiff shifts back into forward, and pursues the aliens! ... but the aliens have turned around and are headed straight for our hero! Spiff shifts into reverse! I'm getting sick.
+19910927 Whack! Tell me this isn't a spitball!!
+19910928 Hobbes, quick! How do I stop?!? Steer into a gravel driveway and fall down! Skrunch! That was only a suggestion.
+19910929 I'M HO-OME! Ever notice how time slows down during a catastrophe? Sighhh... and good times are always over so fast.
+19910930 Look at that thing in the dirt! It must be a fossil! I wonder what peculiar animal this was. But it's not a bone. It must be some primitive hunting weapon or eating utensil for cave men. Maybe it had some religious function. This explains why your clothes stay on the floor.
+19911001 Making a sign? I'm declaring the creek back in the woods "Calvin's creek." When you discover something, you're allowed to name it and put up a sign. But suppose you didn't discover that creek. Of course I did! Nobody else has a sign there, right?
+19911002 Can Hobbes and I go play in the rain, Mom? No. why not? You'll get soaked. What's wrong with that? You could catch pneumonia, run up a terrible hospital bill, linger a few months, and die. I always forget. If you ask a mom, you get a worse-case scenario. I had no idea these little showers were so dangerous.
+19911003 Want to go spelunking with me? Spelunking? There aren't any caves around here! You don't need a cave. All you need is a rock. Spelunk!
+19911004 Well dad, off to work? Too bad I'm on summer vacation, so I get to stay home and do whatever I want. Well, go off and join the rat race! Mom and I are racking up lots of expenses! Oog. I just do that to help him appreciate the weekends more.
+19911005 Hot day, isn't it? I'll say. But it's the humidity that really gets to me. You don't like it when it's humid? Not at all. Then you'd better get out quick.
+19911006 Recess! A school day break for play and exercise. Little does Susie realize how much exercise she is about to get! She turns at the sound of running feet behind her... have her friends come to join her? NO! It's a pack of ferocious deinonychus dinosaurs!! Screaming, Susie hurls herself towards the school doors, but the pack is closing in! With the grim efficiency of wild dogs, th epredators have a meal! Across the playground students huddle in stupefied horror! Which one of THEM will be next? Thus the weak and stupid are weeded out in a heartless, but essential, natural selection, keeping the human population in check. ... At least, that's how it OUGHT to be. Thank you for that tasteless and entirely uninformative report on overpopulation. See me after class. Ya like that, Susie?
+19911007 What's for dinner? Salmon. Salmon?! Blecchh!! Calvin, one of these days your face is going to freeze like that. Wow!
+19911008 Hi, Hobbes! Good heavens, what's wrong with you? Mom said if I keep making this face, it will freeze like this forever! You really think so? It's worth a try ... I'll bet my features are hardening already. I always liked gargoyles.
+19911009 Don't make faces at the table, Calvin. I can't help it. Mom said my face would freeze like this some day, and it just did. No, it didn't. it did, dad! Mom was right, I'm horribly disfigured for life. No, you aren't. but don't worry, I won't spoil dinner. See? Elephant man!
+19911010 Here comes Susie. Ha! Won't she be horrified to see how our faces have tragically frozen! Hi, Susie. Hi, Calvin. What did you do, get your head stuck in a blender? It's an improvement.
+19911011 Are the coals hot? Yes, they're very hot I'm just about to put on the hamburgers. Before you do, could you toss in the can of lighter fluid and make a giant fireball? I've got the most boring dad in the world.
+19911012 With these snorkels, we can stay under the water indefinitely. Just think of all the fish we'll be able to see! We can collect shells! Let's go! We'll so far, this has been a major disappointment.
+19911013 No text
+19911014 "Add two eggs and stir". Right. The recipe says it makes twenty pancakes, so we'll each get ten. Nah, that's too much trouble. We'll just make one big pancake and cut it in half.
+19911015 Dad, I want a bedime story! I'm busy, Calvin, I'll read you one tomorrow. If you don't read me a story, I won't go to bed! Once upon a time there was a boy named Calvin, who always wanted things his way. One day his dad got sick of it and locked him in the basement for the rest of his life. Everyone else lived happily ever after. The end. I don't like these stories with morals.
+19911016 Dinner's ready, Calvin. Come to the table. I'm watching television. No, you're not! Yes, I am. I'm right here in front of it! No you're not! Oh that's right. I'm at the table.
+19911017 I saw a turtle down by the creek. Big deal! Who cares? I've seen hundreds of turtles! Probably millions! Who wants to see another dumb ol' turtle? Ha!
+19911018 Can I ride in a grocery cart? I think you're a little big for that now. Please?? All right. Up you go. Oh boy! Now run down the aisle and let go!
+19911019 Aawweeawweeaaw! The water looked a little cold, eh, Tarzan?
+19911020 The fearless Spaceman Spiff pilots his craft at speeds never before imagined! He discovers galaxies and planets never before charted! He courageously lands on alien worlds never before explored... ...bravely confronting space species never before encountered! Yes, our hero, the incredible Spaceman Spiff, is a cosmic pioneer, boldly facing the unknown in a universe of wild adventure! EWW! I've never had this before! I won't eat it!
+19911021 I think I'm using too strong a sun screen.
+19911022 Fishing is the most boring sport in the world. We've been sitting here for twenty minutes and not one thing has happened! Waaughh!
+19911023 You're on my half of the bed! Move over! Your side is way over there! Give me back those covers! Calvin, be quiet and go to sleep!! You heard Dad. He said to get on your side and leave the covers alone. That's not what he said! Hey! You stole my pillow! This lumpy one is yours!
+19911024 With a drink of magic elixir, Calvin turns himself invisible. Completely transparent, he roams undetected! Calvin? Boy, as soon as you want something done around here, that kid's nowhere to be seen.
+19911025 Ha ha! I have turned myself invisible! By removing my clothing, I can perpetrate any crime undetected! I have complete freedom! I can get away with anything! Calvin! What on earth are you doing in the cookie jar without your clothes on?!?
+19911026 Your polls are slipping Dad. Better get with it. Calvin, being your Dad is not an elected position. I don't have to respond to pools. Not elected? You mean you can govern with dictatorial impunity? Exactly. In short, open revolt and exile is the only hope for change? I don't like the direction this conversation is taking.
+19911027 This is my latest snow sculpture. Where? All of this! But you didn't do anything. Right. Art is dead! There's nothing left to say. Style is exhausted and content is pointless. Art has no purpose. All that's left is commodity marketing. Consequently, I'm signing this landscape, and you can own it for a million dollars. Sorry... it doesn't match my furniture. The problem with being avant-garde is knowing who's putting on who.
+19911028 Hey, Mom. Can we go out for pizza tonight? No, we had pizza last night, and besides, it's too expensive to eat out all the time. Oh, you'd rather blow the evening cooking and washing dishes than spend a few bucks? It seems like we go out for pizza a lot these days. If you'd rather fix a dish of cereal at home be my guest. Hobbes wants triple anchovies.
+19911029 Calvin and his trusty navigator Hobbes roar down the residential road at 90 MPH! Hobbes puts on the turn signal. Faster and faster they go! A busload of school children dives from the sidewalk! Hobbes puts on the windshield wipers. The police are after them! Calvin crawls down to put in the clutch and shift! Hobbes steers and blows the horn! All right, I'm back already! Can't I even run an errand without you blowing the horn across the parking lot?! It was Hobbes, Mom, not me.
+19911030 See any UFOs? Not yet. Well, keep your eyes peeled. They're bound to land here sooner or later. What will we do when they come? See if we can smell Mom and Dad into slavery for a star cruiser.
+19911031 Z. Yawn! Ta daa! Sheesh.
+19911101 Calvin, I don't want you up in that ree. Why not? Some of the branches are dead and they might break. Come on down. Mom spoils everything. This isn't quite the same, is it?
+19911102 Gloonk! Gloonk! Calvin, drink your milk in little sips!
+19911103 Some November this is. The leaves are down but there's now snow. Everything is just sitting around waiting for winter, but nothing is happening. C'mon, what's the big holdup?! Let's go, up there! Bring on the snow! Sighh No efficiency. No accountability. I tell you, Hobbes, it's a lousy way to run a universe. Whatever happend to the work ethic?
+19911104 Pay up, squirt. Forget it Moe. I'm not giving you the money. In fact, I don't even have any. Gee, that's too bad. Oh wait, yes, I do! Here. For a kid with a monosyllabic vocabulary, he's awfully persuasive.
+19911105 Ok, Hobbes, here's the plan to put Moe out of commission. You come to school with me, and when Moe comes to steal my money, you jump out and eat him! Eat him?? I couldn't do that! Sure you could! What's wrong with that?! Fat kids are high in cholesterol. Well, just chew him up and spit him out, I don't care!!
+19911106 If that bully is extorting money, I'm going to call the school and put an end to it. Don't do that! If Moe finds out I squealed, I'm a goner! This kid can't get away with stealing, Calvin. Somebody's got to do something. Here's a list of what I'm wearing. See you at the morgue.
+19911107 Hey, Twinkie, here's the 2 cents I "borrowed" from you the other day. Somebody ratted on me, and it's gonna be a dark day if I ever find out who! I think I'll use the quarter to call my insurance agent.
+19911108 Hi, Dad, it's me! Calvin, is this important? I'm very busy this morning. I'll make it fast, Dad. Can you pick up some topsoil and grass seed on your way home? Ok. Sure. Goodbye.
+19911109 Ring Ring. Hello, Calvin speaking. I'd like to order a large anchovy pizza. What? I ... ?? oh, I'm sorry. You must have dialed the wrong number. Goodbye. I try to make everyone's day a little more surreal.
+19911110 ... sighhhh... We've been out here half an hour and nobody's attacked our fort. We don't have enough enemies, that's our problem. We're just too darn popular. Yeah, everybody likes us because we're so great. It's true. And of course, I'm a genius, so people are naturally drawn to my fiery intellect. Their admiration overwhelms their envy. Actually, I believe jungle cats are held in higher esteem, whereas one can hardly take a kid out in public. Tigers add panache and savoir faire to any social occassion. Whaddaya MEAN kids can't go out in public?!? At least kids don't have FLEAS! That's only because fleas can't stand the way kids SMELL! By golly, you're asking for a snowball in the mouth! You can't threaten me! I've got snowballs too! PIFF PAFF PEFF POOF PUFF You know, maybe we don't NEED enemies. Yeah, best friends are all I can take.
+19911111 What are you doing? Being "cool." You look more like you're being bored. The world bores you when you're cool.
+19911112 Look, I brought a sombrero! Now we can both be "cool." A sombrero? Are you crazy?! Cool people don't wear sombreros! Nobody wears sombreros! What fun is it being "cool" if you can't wear a sombrero?
+19911113 I'm back. See. I put on some Mickey Mouse pants! I'll be "cool" in these, boy. Just look at these big yellow buttons! Mickey Mouse pants?!? You don't look cool! You look like an idiot! Hmph! Maybe I'm new wave. Maybe you're just stupid.
+19911114 Here comes Susie. I'm going to throw a pine cone at her. Wwhippp. Pow!
+19911115 Yahh! Oof! Grrr! Rgh! Rr! Rrr! Uh! Uh! Rrr! Umph! Touchdown! Let's play something else.
+19911116 Are there any monsters under my bed tonight? No. Nope. No. If there were any monsters under my bed, how big would they be? Very small. Go to sleep. Momm!
+19911117 No text
+19911118 With great effort, Calvin the human insect advances the paper in the typewriter. His only hope for proper medical treatment lies in his ability to write a legible message to his family! He craws to each key and jumps! Who wrote "Help I'm a bug" on my letter to Grandma? Evidently some bug. How strange.
+19911119 Back and forth. Back and forth. Tidal wave! Beats me, Mom. Maybe the seal around the tub leaks.
+19911120 What's this music? It's "The 1812 Overture." I kinda like it. Interesting percussion section. Those are the cannons. And they perform in crowded concert halls?? Gee. I thought classical music was boring!
+19911121 Boy, what a day! I went to school. Played outside, and did my homework. I'm exhausted. You know what time it is now? Uh, 7:35. It's Miller time. Get back here.
+19911122 Psst ... Susie! What's 12 + 7? A billion. Thanks! Wait a minute. That can't be right ... that's what she said 3+4 was.
+19911123 I just read this great science fiction story. It's about how machines take control of humans and turn them into zombie slaves! So instead of us controlling machines, they control us? Pretty scary idea. I'll say, hey! What time is it?? My TV show is on!
+19911124 Mm, this dinner you fixed is delicious, honey. What is it? It's dog food. And don't call me "honey". You can't feed me DOG food! I'm the President of the United States! No, you're the President of the Deluded Fruitcakes Anonymous! Give me a break! You're just mad because you're the "First Husband" and you have to vacuum the White House all day! I DO NOT! In fact, I'm not your husband at all! What are you doing?! Stop being such a little weirdo! Me WONGA-TAA, king of the jungle! Oh, nice underpants! You're really gross. Me off to jungle! Find tiger friend! Live with animals! I can run the country better without you! Good riddance, you moron! It take one to know one! Boy, am I glad to see YOU. Playing with Susie is a big waste of time. You wouldn't believe the junk she can imagine. Nice underpants. What do you mean Calvin left his clothes with Susie??
+19911125 Tomorrow we're going to discuss "current events" in school. Each of us has to find a newspaper article, read it to the class, and explain it. What article did you choose? This one. "Space alien weds two-headed Elvis clone." Actually, there's not much left to explain.
+19911126 Look what you can do with big socks! Just put one over each ear and one over your nose. An elephant! Ha ha! I want some socks too! If I miss the bus. It's going to be unpleasant around here!
+19911127 Calvin, how did you break this dish! I was carrying too much and it dropped. Your problem is you've got no common sense. I've got plenty of common sense! I just choose to ignore it.
+19911128 I don't understand this business about death. If we're just going to die. What's the point of living? Well, there's seafood. I don't know why I even talk to you before dinner.
+19911129 I've decided I want to be a millionaire when I grow up. Well, you'll have to work pretty hard to get a million dollars. No, I won't you will. Me? I just wan to inherit it.
+19911130 The worst part about going to school is waiting for the bus. All you can do is stand here and imagine what's going to go wrong during the day. I bet we have a pop math quiz or something. Well, here comes the bus. Thanks for waiting with me. My pleasure. Boy, my lunch box seems light.
+19911201 What an awful job! This is the worst! Well somebody's got to do it. HEADS UP! BLORRP! Eeww! What's THIS?! Ugh, who can tell? KEEP STIRRING!! Oh no! It's bubbling up! AIEE! Chemical reaction!! LOOK OUT! RUN! RUN! IT'S GONNA BLOW! FOOM! BU-URRRPP!
+19911202 As you can see, Spaceman Spiff, we have ways of extracting information from even the most uncooperative prisoners! Our hero, captured by Zorkons, eyes the diabolical instruments of torture! Very amusing. You twisted space frog. What's this fiendish device called? A chin-up bar. Get on it. Spiff readies his daring escape.
+19911203 Where's my jacket? It's right on the floor where you left it. It's still on the floor? Why didn't you put it away? Gee, my own copy of the emancipation proclamation.
+19911204 Look, I can make shadows on the wall here's a dog. Hey, that's good! Here's a swan. Hmm ... that looks more like some bug eyed tentacled thing. Mommm!
+19911205 Ah ... Ah ... Ah ... Ah ...kbthchh! Why'd you hold it in? I'm trying to blow my shoes off.
+19911206 It says on the back of this record that the composer could play the piano at age three. He wrote his first symphony when he was four. That's amazing. When I was four, I think I was toilet trained.
+19911207 I'm done with my homework! I'm going outside to play! I've got my jacket! I'm leaving now! ... further bulletins as events warrant!
+19911208 No text
+19911209 Mom's not feeling well. So I'm making here a "Get Well" card. That's thoughtful of you. See, on the front it says "Get Well Soon." And on the inside it says, "Because my bed isn't made, my clothes need to be put away, and I'm hungry. Love, Calvin." Want to sign it? Sure. I'm hungry too.
+19911210 Hi, Mom! Since you're sick. I'm bringing you breakfast in bed! I prepared eggs, toast and orange juice for you all by myself! How nice! The eggs kind of burned and stuck to the pan, but you can probably chip them out with this chisel. Um ... where is the toast and orange juice? Dad said not to tell you about that till your better.
+19911211 Since your Mom's sick. I'll be making dinner tonight. You can cook? As you can see, I survived two years of my own cooking when I had an apartment after college. Mom says you ate frozen waffles and canned soup three meals a day. Your Mom wasn't there, so she wouldn't know. Get the syrup out, will you?
+19911212 Sometimes when I'm sick, you read me a story want me to read you one? No, thanks, Calvin. I just want to rest. It's hard to be a Mom for a Mom. You do fine, sweetie. Whoa! Hey! Are you contagious?!
+19911213 What's wrong with your Mom, do you know? No, she went to the doctor today though. I wonder if ... nah. What? You don't suppose she's going to have a baby, do you? A baby?!? Why would she want another kid?? She's already got me! Yes. You'd think she'd have learned her lesson ...
+19911214 I asked dad if mom was going to have a baby, and he said not that he knew of. Dad said we'd know if mom was having a kid because she'd look like a hippopotamus with a gland problem. ... that's when Mom creamed him with her pillow. Dad says she must be feeling better. You have weird parents.
+19911215 KAZAM! KAZAM! Quiet. What did I just tell you?! Calvin, if you're bored, I'll find something for you to do! KAZAM!
+19911216 Want to trade sandwiches, Calvin? No, I've got my favorite kind. What did you bring? Peanut butter. I have processed mouse loaf. Oh, gross. That's not really mouse loaf. It looks like egg salad. Taste it and see. Here. I think this is a whisker, it's good. Forget it. I don't even want my own lunch anymore. You don't? what kind of cookies are those?
+19911217 Ta-daaa!!
+19911218 How do they know the load limit on bridges Dad? They drive bigger and bigger trucks over the bridge until it breaks. Then they weigh the last truck and rebuild the bridge. Oh. I should've guessed. Dear, if you don't know the answer. Just tell him!
+19911219 It's hard to believe people still starve in this world. There's even hunger in America. Some people never get enough to eat. Boy, I know what that's like! No you don't.
+19911220 The soldiers advance up the hill! Oh, no! a squadron of bombers appears on the horizon! The bombs begin to fall! Bonk bonk. Two direct hits! I see you up there!
+19911221 Look, Hobbes, you get a plastic trinket in boxes of "Chocolate-Frosted Sugar Bombs"! It says, "Be the first in your neighborhood to collect all ten colors." Yeah, but Mom says she won't buy any more cereal until this box is gone. That shouldn't take more than a couple of hours, right? I dunno after five bowls, I get pretty wired.
+19911222 I wish Santa would publish the guidelines he uses for determining a kid's goodness. For example, how much does he weigh motives? Does he consider the kid's natural predisposition? I mean, if some sickeningly wholesome nerd LIKES being good, it's EASY for him to meet the standards! There's no challenge! Heck, anyone can be good if he WANTS to be! The true test of one's mettle is being good when one has an innate inclination towards evil. I think one good act by ME, even if it's just to get presents, should count as FIVE good acts by some sweet-tempered kid motivated by the pureness of his heart, don't you? HEY SUSIE! POW! Of course, in your case, the question is academic. I wanted to put a rock in the snowball, but I didn't! That should be worth a lot!
+19911223 Calvin, your dad and I are going out tomorrow. So you'll be having a baby sitter. Oh no! not Rosalyn! I called eight people and she's the only one who would do it. Call some more! Call some more! Calvin, I spent half an hour on the phone already. Rosalyn's fine. "Fine"?? she's a barracuda in a high school senior suit! I'm as good as dead! You remember Amy? She just laughed when I called her.
+19911224 Oh no! A knock at the door! The baby sitter must be here! Should we hide? No way. Baby sitters can smell fear in little kids. We'd be doomed. So we go on the offensive? Right. Here's a notepad and pencil. Oh boy, blackmail! Right, get to the upstairs phone when she calls her boyfriend.
+19911225 We're going Rosalyn. Help yourself to anything in the fridge. Ok, good-bye. Calvin? Are you upstairs? Wap wap. All right, kid! Bedtime for Bonzo!! What?! Get away! It's not even 6 o'clock!
+19911226 I can't believe our baby sitter put us to bed! It's not even dark out! Well, she can put us to bed, but she can't make us sleep. You play the horn, and I'll accompany on tom-tom. Calvin, I just wanted to remind you that sleeping in a bed is a privilege. The basement is sure to be a lot less comfy. What did she mean "the basement"? Shhh!
+19911227 Rosalyn, we're going to be a little later than we expected, so I thought I'd better call you. That's fine. Calvin went to bed early, so I'm just holding down the fort. Who's on the phone? Is it my Mom? I want to talk to her! Mom! Mom! Can you hear me?! Come home now before it's too late! Help! Help! No, that's just the tv. I'll see you at 11:30 then. Enjoy the play.
+19911228 Sorry we're late, Rosalyn. Did you get Calvin to bed? Yes, but ... Mom! Dad! Is that you? I'm not asleep! Did you get rid of the baby sitter? Thank goodness you're home! Has he been this way all night? Well, his voice gave out about 11 o'clock but it seems to be If she's still here, don't pay her! Give her a little extra, will you dear? Is five enough? Could you make it eight? College tuition's are up.
+19911229 Everybody makes the wrong kind of New Year's resolution. All they do is promise to stop bad habits and start good habits. What's wrong with that? It's not enough to change a few little habits! Everybody I know needs a complete personality overhaul! That's why I'll be spending the remaining days of this year telling people what I hate about them and how they should change. Some of us would be happy to reciprocate. Sorry. MY New Year's resolution is not to change a bit.
+19911230 What a rotten day. Zz ... mmp ... bgz ... ahhhhh ... gnz ... hee hee ... zzz ... Fuzz therapy. Zzz ... nuk nuk ... woonk ...
+19911231 Hello Susie. This is Calvin. I lost our homework assignment, can you tell me what we were supposed to read for tomorrow? Are you sure you're not calling for some other reason? Why else would I call you? Maybe you missed the melodious sound of my voice. What are you, crazy?? All I want is the stupid assignment. First say you missed the melodious sound of my voice. This is blackmail!
+19920101 I'm home from school! Oof! Helloooo. Bonk bing boing. How's that for an enthusiastic greeting?? Sometimes I wish you'd just buy me one of those "I missed you" cards.
+19920102 I've got a great idea for school tomorrow. I cut a ping-pong ball in half, and now I'm drawing dots on each end. I'll just put one over each eye, and it will look like I'm really paying attention. Or will I look too interested? I doubt it. I'm over here.
+19920103 Bad news on your polls Dad. You slipped another two notches. Things are looking grim for future office. Is that so? Any ideas on what would improve my standings? I need a VCR. Right, I'll keep that in mind. I hope you're reading the "Help Wanted Section."
+19920104 Look, I got a letter I'm supposed to copy and send to 20 people for good luck. It's a chain letter. It says, "A man in Denver made 20 copies and the next day he got a raise. A man in Seattle broke the chain and he went bald." Ha! You believe that? These letters are for superstitious nincompoops. Throw it away. "... and a dumb kid like you listened to a friend and got run over by a cement mixer."
+19920105 It's a new year... a new beginning! New possibilities! This snowman represents the spirit of the new year. Looking ahead, he strides forward with confidence and determination! He challenges! He imagines! He invents! He calls forth the best qualities of the human drive and ingenuity! Very inspiring. Thanks you. ... and over here is the REAL world? Right. This is why we're always glad when the old year is over.
+19920106 I spelled "Be" how many points do I get? Um ... 2 points. 2 points?! Is that @*#%! all?? My, this game does teach new words! See, I spelled "zygomorphic" on a triple word score box. That's 150 points. All I've got is consonants. Your turn. Well, if I use your letter "I" I can spell "in". That's 3 points. I pick out some new letters ... hmm ... with your "n", I can spell "nucleoplasm" that's, lets see, 40 points. All I've got is consonants. I'm not going to play this stupid game! I hate it!! What a waste of time! What should we play instead? Let's play poker. At least with cards you have half a chance. Ok, I bet a nickel. I'll see you ... and raise you 8 dollars.
+19920107 Calvin has mysteriously shrunk to the size of an insect! His only hope is to call for help! Pushing with all his might, Calvin dials the gigantic telephone. It's ringing! He runs to the mouthpiece! Will anyone be able to hear him?? Bzz bz! Bzzzz! Bzz bz! Bzz bz! Calvin, this had better not be you.
+19920108 Fwooshhh. Greetings earth female. Do not be alarmed. Our planet is dying. We need cookies to survive. Do not try to resist or you will be destroyed. We'll see about that. Get back here.
+19920109 This Ouija board knows all and tells all. What should we ask it? Let's ask it which of us is smarter. Ok, go ahead. Oh great Ouija board. Who is smarter, Calvin or Hobbes? Quit resisting you! It's heading for the "H"! Ha! It's obviously trying to (mmf) go to "C", you cheater!
+19920110 Let's ask the Ouija board another question. Ok, I've got one. Oh great Ouija board, will I grow up to be president? It's moving! "G-O-D-F-O-R-B-I-D" When I want an editorial, I'll ask for it you stupid board!
+19920111 How is it that this Ouija board knows all the answers to life's mysteries? Let's ask it. Oh great Ouija board. How do you know all the answers? It's moving! It's moving! What's it say? "3" You know, I didn't ask for this last Christmas. I asked for a computer.
+19920112 Glogga muck bluh Spiff! Spiff chug wunka! We join our hero, the courageous Spaceman Spiff, as he is pursued across the galaxy by hostile aliens! A bolt of Explode-o-Ray explodes behind him! The aliens are closing in! Spiff punches the accelerator and dives towards the mysterious world below! Blasting low over the planet's surface at near light speed, our hero is horrified to discover the aliens are still on his trail! Spiff has but one desperate chance! He flies through a tight arch, hoping the aliens will crash as they follow! Zounds! The ol' battleship is surprisingly maneuverable! Don't call me that! And you are going to bed if I have to chase you all night!
+19920113 Behold the dreaded toboggan: suicide sled. It's unique design sends a blinding spray of snow on it's passengers at the slightest bump. Note too, the lack of any steering mechanism. Yes, this sled is truly a hazard to life and limb. Wheee! Oomph!
+19920114 Boy, is it cold! Can't we turn the heat up? Heat is expensive Calvin. Just put on a sweater. Look, the thermostat goes all the way up to 90 degrees! We could be sitting around in our shorts. Leave the thermostat alone Calvin. I can almost see my breath. I'll just crank it up to 75, ok? I said don't touch it. Gee, my hands are so numb, I can't move the switch. Guess I'll put on a sweater.
+19920115 Ooh. You look cold Calvin! There's a fire made. Why don't you go warm up? Oh boy! Nothing beats sitting by a roaring fire after you've been out in the cold. Of course, some people say why bother going outside first?
+19920116 Calvin, I hope you took your boots off before you walked across the floor. Of course I did! You don't need to tell me all the time!
+19920117 Given any more thought to that backyard ski lift proposal of mine? Oh, yes. Lots.
+19920118 Hobbes is always a little loopy when he comes out of the dryer.
+19920119 MOOOO MOOO MOOO WHOOSH KACHUNK CHUG CHUG SQUEAK SQUEAK SQUEAK CLANG CLANG wizz wirp boingg boingg AWKK! Hello! Hello! GAAAA GGHHH BONK BONK GASP GASP. Boy, am I glad to see YOU, Hobbes! Another typical school day?
+19920120 Watcha doin'? I'm writing my autobiography. But you're just six years old. I've only got one sheet of paper.
+19920121 Hi, Hobbes. are you reading that book I gave you? Yes. It's very good. You like it? Sure, I think it's ... wait a minute. Would you mind writing it in two pages for me by tomorrow morning?
+19920122 Mom, was I adopted? No, why do you ask? Are you planning to put me to work in a cannery for fourteen hours a day when I turn seven? Of course not! You're not just fattening me up to eat me, are you? Good heavens, Calvin! Who put all these ridiculous ideas in your head?!? That's right. "Ridiculous ideas" she called them. Oh, sure, you think your mom's going to tell you?
+19920123 Whifffff whiff whiff whiff whiff whiff. For all that preparation you sure are a lousy shot.
+19920124 Go ahead down. You'll miss all those trees. You can do it. You'll stop before you go over that ledge at the bottom. You won't go into that pond. Besides, the ice is probably real thick anyway. Go ahead down. My brain is trying to kill me.
+19920125 Galosh. Galosh. Galosh.
+19920126 I'm thirsty. AAAUGH. Sleepwalking! Nightmare! Homicidal psycho jungle cat! Hee hee hee! You should've seen the look on your face! If Mom and Dad cared about me at ALL, they'd buy me some infra-red nighttime vision goggles.
+19920127 What's the teacher handing out? Our report cards. Our report cards? You know, our grades. Grades? We're being graded? Of course, dummy. What did you think? Don't we even get a few practice semesters?
+19920128 I brought my report card home dad. Well! Let's see it! Remember how you once told me it didn't matter what grades I got ... just as long as I tried my hardest, right? Well you could certainly be trying harder than this! So you admit you were lying?
+19920129 Dad says my report card shows that not enough time is being spent on my homework. So from dinner till bed is now designated as "homework time." I don't think that's fair! If it doesn't take that long to do, why should I have to stay in my room all that time? Yeah, can I help it I'm so fast?
+19920130 Can I have some clay? Help yourself. This stuff's impossible to work with. Thanks. I've got a pretty good bowl or something going here. It started out as a phantom jet, but it sort of squashed, so now I think it's a bowl. Mmm that's very good. Yeah, I'm real pleased with it.
+19920131 Uh oh. There's a dinosaur in the kitchen. Well if you see Calvin anywhere, tell him it's almost time for dinner. I'd invite you, but no dinosaurs are allowed at the dinner table. Ha. Dinosaurs eat anywhere they want.
+19920201 Let's go Calvin. Time for your bath. I'm not taking baths anymore. I hate them. Oh? And how are you going to stay clean? Easy.
+19920202 GAAAA. It is 0701 hours. You are late. Extra soap today, robot three. Mom out. Extra soap affirmative. Attention, kitchen. Calvin arriving in turbo chute 4. Clear receiving pad. I've got a moon meeting today. I'll be home for diner, if the shuttle isn't late. Have a good day. See you tonight. Calvin, you're going to be late for school! Put on your jacket! Why are you just standing there? Calvin? Calvin?? Honestly! Would you please try to stay in the PRESENT?! Sighhh...
+19920203 When a kid grows up, he has to BE something. He can't just stay the way he is. But a tiger grows up and stays a tiger. Why is that? No room for improvement. Of all the luck, my parents had to be humans. Don't take it too hard. Humans provide some very important protein.
+19920204 It's no surprise to ME that nobody's sold a house on this street for six years.
+19920205 I try to make television-watching a complete forfeiture of experience. Notice how I keep my jaw slack, so my mouth hands open. I try not to swallow either, so I drool, and I keep my eyes half-focused, so I don't use any muscles at all. I take a passive entertainment and extend the passivity to my entire being. I wallow in my lack of participation and response. I'm utterly inert. I'm going to leave before you start attracting flies. I can almost feel my neural transmitters shutting down.
+19920206 No text
+19920207 HELP HELP! MY HEAD SOMEHOW GOT TWISTED COMPLETELY AROUND! I'M FACING BACKWARD! LOOK I CAN READ THE TAG ON MY SHIRT! I CAN SEE DOWN MY OWN BACK! ... Oh wait. There's my belly button. I must have my SHIRT on backward. Never mind. I've got my head on straight after all. Oh, I wouldn't go THAT far.
+19920208 OH SURE! NICE TRY! Darn, darn, darn, darn, darn!
+19920209 Today is Valentine's Day. SO WHAT?! WHO CARES?! NOW ME! Who's your valentine THIS year?? NOBODY! Is it SUSIE?? NO! I'll bet she IS! I'll be your heart beats faster at the sound of her name! Ahh, how you long to gaze deep into her shimmering eyes!! WHAT?! Your cheeks are flushed! Your chin quivers to imagine her soft, warm lips pressed against yours! Oh, to be locked for an eternity in a passionate embrace with sweet, sweet Susie! TAKE IT BACK! Can I be "Best Tiger"? TAKE IT BACK! Have you picked out a ring yet? TAKE IT BACK! Where's the honeymoon? Hey, Calvin! Huh?? You jerk! This is for sending me a Valentine card with a drawing of me as a worm-eaten corpse! Oh HO-O-O! You sent her a CARD?? Doctor Love, paging Doctor I.M.N. Love! I'd say were about due for another Saint Valentine's Day massacre.
+19920210 Aren't you supposed to be doing your homework now? I quit doing homework. Homework is bad for my self-esteem. It is Sure! It sends the message that I don't know enough! All that emphasis on right answers makes me feel bad when I get them wrong. So instead of trying to learn, I'm just concentrating on liking myself the way I am. Your self-esteem is enhanced by remaining an ignoramus? Please! Let's call it "informationally impaired".
+19920211 See, Hobbes, we shouldn't need accomplishments to feel good about ourselves. Self-esteem shouldn't be conditional. That's why I've stopped doing homework. I don't need to learn things to like myself. I'm fine the way I am. So the secret to good self-esteem is to lower your expectations to the point where they're already met? Right. We should take PRIDE in our mediocrity. Remind me to invest overseas. I think this snowman is good enough, don't you?
+19920212 Look, Dad made me do my homework. He said when I'm older, I'll discover that there are few pleasures greater than learning. So I said, FINE, I'll learn when I'm older. What did HE say? He said if I didn't start cracking books NOW, this would be as old as I'd get. Sounds like you learned something already.
+19920213 Mom and Dad drive me crazy. They don't understand ME and I don't understand THEM. It's hopeless! I'm related to people I don't relate to.
+19920214 Here we stand, peering down the dizzying depths of doom drop! Do we turn around and retreat to the stupefying security of home and hearth? OR do we brave the descent, risk demise, and experience the flood of somatic sensation that screams we are alive, gloriously alive, however temporarily?? ... Hobbes? I thought the question was rhetorical. The other way, though!
+19920215 Here's the latest poll on your standing as "Dad". Wonderful. The good news is that you have a high name-recognition factor. All the household six-year-olds polled were able to identify you as "Dad". This recognition, however, is liked to the fact that your policies are universally deplored. There's talk of voting you out of office and making Mom "Dad". I see. And what do YOU know about this? My first act will be to make you do the cooking. Whoa! That changes everything.
+19920216 15 bucks a glass?! That's right! Want some? How do you justify charging 15 dollars? Supply and demand. Where's the demand?! I don't see any demand! There's LOTs of demand! Yeah? Sure! As the sole stockholder in this enterprise, I DEMAND monstrous profit on my investment! And as President and CEO of the company, I DEMAND an exorbitant annual salary. And as my own employee, I DEMAND a high hourly wage and all sorts of company benefits! And THEN there's overhead and actual production costs! But it looks like you just threw a lemon in some sludge water! Well, I have to cut expenses SOMEwhere if I want to stay competitive. What if I got sick from that? "Caveat Emptor" is the motto we stand behind! I'd have to charge more to follow health and environment regulations. You're out of your mind. I'm going home to drink something else. Sure! Put me out of a job! It's you anti-business types who ruin the economy! I need to be subsidized.
+19920217 Dad's calling you. He wasn't? Huh! Well, Hobbes took your chair. Sorry. I like my chairs pre-warmed. You ow me.
+19920218 He knows I hate this.
+19920219 This is my snow sculpture, "Bourgeois Buffoon". Can you believe Mom rejected my grant application to continue making these? Why do you need a grant? I'm on the cutting edge of art! My work deserves public support! What if the public doesn't like your work? They're not SUPPOSED to like it! This is avante-garde stuff! I'm criticizing the lowbrows who can't appreciate great art like this! But you'll take their money. What do you want me to do, suffer?!
+19920220 This snowman doesn't look especially avant-garde. Actually, it's VERY avant-garde. This is my new art movement, "neo-regionalism". I'm appealing to popular nostalgia for the simple values of rural america 50 years ago. I figure the public will eat this up and I'll make a fortune. So how is this avant-garde? It's secretly ironic.
+19920221 I've concluded that nothing bad I do is my fault. Oh? Right! Being young and impressionable, I'm the helpless victim of countless bad influences! An unwholesome culture panders to my undeveloped values and pushes me to maleficence. I take no responsibility for my behavior! I'm an innocent pawn! It's society's fault! Then you need to build more character. Go shovel the walk. These discussions never go where they're supposed to.
+19920222 I see you with that snowball! Go ahead and throw it! I'm not scared! You couldn't hit the side of a barn! C'mon, throw it! I dare you! POW!! Seriously, you could never have done that if my taunts hadn't boosted your adrenalin. I can find only one of your socks.
+19920223 At 35,000 feet, the engines of Flight 430 explode for no reason! With plumes of dense smoke trailing from the wings, the giant aircraft plummets out of control! Meanwhile, a 50 car freight train hits a penny on the rail at 80 miles an hour and jumps the tracks, dragging half a million tons of metal into the air behind it! In a freak coincidence, both the jet and the train are converging on ONE SPOT.... where tectonic plates in the earth's crus have just begun to shift! That spot is the house of farmer Brown, who, at this moment, is unaware of a gas leak as he attempts to light his stove! As he strikes the match, he casually glances out the kitchen window. His eye twitches involuntarily. Can't we play something else?
+19920224 I read that Teddy Roosevelt once said, "Do what you can with what you have where you are." That's good advice. Of course, I doubt he was in the tub when he said that.
+19920225 Shovel the walk! Shovel the walk! That's all I'm good for around here. What about my powerful intellect?! My budding genius is being squandered! I aspire to be more than brute slave labor! These hands! These amazing hands are destined to create unreamt-of wonders, yet here they're worn to the bone in unfulfilling drudgery! What a monstrous injustice! Geez, don't tell me lunch isn't ready!
+19920226 DING DONG You really need professional help. What makes you think I did it??
+19920227 What's wrong with Easter Island? I LIKE Easter Island.
+19920228 Hello, is this the hardware sotre? Yes, I'm wondering if you sell catapults. No?? Well, I'm looking for something that can deliver a 50-pound payload of snow on a small feminine target. Can you suggest something? Hello? I don't understand how some of these places stay in business.
+19920229 I don't think you have enough to do.
+19920301 It all boils down to luck, Hobbes. Some people are born lucky and some people are born Unlucky. Either way, there's nothing you can do about it. You can't fight luck. We're headed for that cliff! YIKES! Bad luck! 'bye. See what I meen?! You go along, minding your own business, and suddenly your luck runs out. If you're-OW-unlucky, what can you do? OW! You're condemned to suffer! OW! Ooh, right in the pricker bushes. ...just like yesterday. Maybe my luck will change tomorrow.
+19920302 It all boils down to luck, Hobbes. Some people are born lucky and some people are born Unlucky. Either way, there's nothing you can do about it. You can't fight luck. We're headed for that cliff! YIKES! Bad luck! 'bye. See what I meen?! You go along, minding your own business, and suddenly your luck runs out. If you're-OW-unlucky, what can you do? OW! You're condemned to suffer! OW! Ooh, right in the pricker bushes. ...just like yesterday. Maybe my luck will change tomorrow.
+19920303 If there are no questions, we'll move on to the next chapter. I have a question. Certainly, Calvin. What is it? What's the point of human existence? I meant any questions about the subject at hand. Oh. Frankly, I'd like to have the issue resolved before I expend any more energy on this.
+19920304 Ewww. Ewwww. Ewwwwww. EWWWWWW!
+19920305 Where ARE those darn boots?
+19920306 Put on some nice clothes and let's go for a stroll!
+19920307 It couldn't be avoided.
+19920308 Hi Mom! Ha ha! I'm up! I'm up! HEY! Get back in bed! I mean it, Calvin! It's too late for this nonsense! Wheeee! I'm gonna watch TV! Ha ha ha! Calvin, stop this! You go straight to bed! NO! You're in big trouble, young man! You'll never catch me! GOTCHA! WAAUGH! I don't WANNA go to bed! I wanna stay UP! Put me down! Let go! I'm not tired! AAAAAA! Mom has to EARN a night's respite from me.
+19920309 rrRumRumm beep beep - rrrrrr rrummm - aughh! - I don't understand why you have to take your clothes off to play cars. It's very weird. Just give 'em here. Ok?
+19920310 What time is it? Go look at the clock and see. What's the weather outside like today? Go step outside and see. How fast can our car go? Go... ...nice try. Phooey.
+19920311 The problem with rock'n'roll is that the generation that created it is now the establishment. Rock pretends it's still rebellious with its video posturing, but who believes it? The stars are 45-year-old zillionaires or they endorse soft drinks! The "revolution" is a capitalist industry! Give me a break! Fortunately I've found some protest music for TODAY's youth! This stuff really offends Mom and Dad! Easy-listening muzak? I play it real quiet, too.
+19920312 I don't want to go to school! I'd rather do ANYTHING than go to school! OK, how about if I go to school and YOU get a job? You'll like working till evening and being responsible for the subsistence of your family, with a whiny kid's griping for reward. It's nice to know there's so much in life to look forward to.
+19920313 I don't want to pay any dues in life. I want to be a one-in-a-million, overnight success! I want the world handed to me on a silver platter! Good luck. SURELY YOU CONCEDE I DESERVE IT!
+19920314 *snap* AUGH! Oops! Instinct kicked in before I knew that was you. YOU KNEW DARN WELL THAT WAS ME!
+19920315 ...BLECCHH... ! EEP! YIKES! HELLP!! WAAUGH! UGHH URGLE GACKKH ORG PLUTCH SPLUTCH BLUTCH URRRPP THPPTHH. Uggh, how revolting. At least it worked. Let's dance! Darling! YOU'RE TRYING TO KILL ME WITH THIS STUFF AREN'T YOU?! JUST ADMIT IT!! If you don't like it, don't eat it. But I'm not fixing you something different.
+19920316 I wish I was still in bed. I'd hear the wind bowling the rain against the window panes and I'd pull the blankets up, get all toasty and cozy, and fall back asleep. Instead, I'm out here, cold and wet, waiting for the school bus to take me to the gulag. Yeah, I hope the sheets are still warm when I get back in. Rub it in, Hobbes.
+19920317 Hey Dad, look at this commercial. How come you don't drive a cool sports car like that guy? That car costs $40,000. And look at the babe he's with. How come Mom doesn't dress like that? Yeah, why DON'T you dress like that? Because your adolescent fantasies require an adolescent model with implants, ... HONEY. Maybe you guys need to drink more beer.
+19920318 Mom, can I have some money to buy a satan-worshiping, suicide-advocating heavy metal album? Calvin, the fact that these abnds haven't killed themselves in ritual self-sacrifice shows that they're just in it for the money like everyone else. It's all for effect. If you want to shock and provoke, be sincere about it. Mainstream commercial nihilism can't be trusted?! 'fraid not, kiddo. Childhood is so disillusioning.
+19920319 People don't realize what a burden it is being a genius like me. It's not easy having a mind that operates on a higher plane than everyone else's! People just refuse to see that I'm the crux of all history, a boy of destiny! I suppose one could recognize a boy of destiny by his planet-and-star underpants. Another trenchant comment by a jealous lesser intellect.
+19920320 Mom, from now on, I don't want to be introduced to people as plain "Calvin". I want to be introduced as "Calvin, boy of destiny". Boy of destiny?? But you have to say it right. Pause a little after "boy", and say "destiny" a bit slower and deeper for emphasis. Sai it, "Boy... of DESSSTINY", like that! I think I'm going to stop introducing you altogether. I wish you had some cymbals to crash after you said it.
+19920321 Here's your paper, Susie. Very good. Here is yours, Calvin. By the way, you can stop signing your work "Calvin, boy of destiny", and I think your time would be better spend studying than drawing "official notary seals" at the bottom. Boy of destiny?! That's right. Boy of destiny! Everyone I know thinks your destiny is a private cage in the primate house. YOUR destiny is to have a smile that's all gums.
+19920322 Wow! A dime! BONK! MMF OOF. He would just love me to believe that somersault was intentional and innocent.
+19920323 SMASH ping ping ping kritch krunch. He's a tricky devil, but I'll get him sooner or later! Apparantly I rate just below BUGS with her! And she complains you don't help out around the house.
+19920324 Wimp! Oh... OH YEAH?? What REALLY bugs me is knowing I'll probably come up with a much sharper retort sometime tonight.
+19920325 Calvin, can you tell us what Lewis and Clark did? No, but I can recite the secret superhero origin of each member of Captain Napalm's thermo-nuclear league of libery. See me after class, Calvin. I'm not dumb. I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.
+19920326 Did you even read the history chapter I assigned? I tried to, Miss Wormwood. But the book publisher didn't use the proper print fixative. Needless to say, when I picked up the book, all the letters slid off the pages and fell on the floor in a heap of gibberish. I think my excuses need to be less extemporaenous.
+19920327 County library? Reference desk, please? Hello? Yes, I need a word definition. Well, that's the problem. I don't know how to spell it and I'm not allowed to say it. Could you just rattle off all the swear words you know, and I'll stop you when... hello? See if I ever vote for their tax levies.
+19920328 I don't need a bath! I can stay clean without one! Look, I'll LICK myself clean! That's what Hobbes does! See, I'm getting clean just like him! Nice going.
+19920329 That certainly was a grim spectacle. I LIKE breakfast on the run. But Mom, it's their NATURE! Why can't you eat at the table like a civilized human being?!
+19920330 You have a question, Calvin? Yes! What assurance do I have that this education is adequately preparing me for the 21st century? Am I getting the skills I'll need to effectively compete in a tough, global economy? I want a high-paying job when I get out of here! I want opportunity! In that case, young man, I suggest you start working harder. What you get out of school depends on what you put into it. Oh. Then forget it.
+19920331 Whatcha doing? Dad wants to mow the lawn, so he's making me pick up sticks. He said I might learn something about the satisfaction that comes from a job well done. And did you? I suppose so. I think he's trying to tell me there is none.
+19920401 My tiger is deep in somnolent sleep, dreaming of chases remembered! His keen eyes are glinting! He dreams of a sprinting Sambar who'll soon be dismembered! Hmmmmmmm
+19920402 This article says that by age six, most children have watched 5,000 hours of TV - a quarter of their waking lives! I haven't watched that much! Think of all the great shows I've missed! I've been deprived of cultural references! I'm ignorant of countless amazing products! Hurry! If I watch TV until bedtime, I can get in a few precious extra hours and catch up a bit! Remedial vegetation. Help me learn this theme song, OK?
+19920403 I think our newspaper needs a new advice columnist, so I'm applying for the job. See, I've written some sample answers to people who write in. "Stop whining and get a life, bozo." "Don't tell ME your stupid problems. I've got plenty of my own." "Go soak your head, you big baby." "Want some advice? Drop dead." I guess that covers about everything. Can you imagine doing this for MONEY? What a racket!
+19920404 Who ees thees Kahlveen?
+19920405 Oh man, there goes the game! What a dumb sport. I hate baseball. What's the use of trying? I haven't started around the ba-ases yet! Huh? La de da da! I'm walkinnnngg! Oh, look at the pretty flower! I think I'll stop and smell it! Uh oh! My shoes untied! Better have a seat and tie it! Now I'm hopping backwards! Look at me! I'm crawling! I'm a tiny little inchworm, moving an inch at a time! Inchy-squinchy! Inchy-squinchy! AAAIEEE Whoop! Too late! Home run! Stitches for Hobbes, bandages for you... how on earth do you DO this to yourself? Don't feel sorry for HIM! He -ow- DESERVED it!
+19920406 Do you believe in the devil? You know, a supreme evil being dedicated to the temptation, corruption, and destruction of man? I'm not sure man needs the help. You just can't talk to animals about these things.
+19920407 What's this? Try it. What's in here? Grubs?? Try it. That means I'm going to hate it, right? JUST TRY IT! She's mad because I broke her code.
+19920408 If I've learned one thing in life, it's that everyone has his price. Raise the ante high enough, and there's no such thing as scruples! People will do ANYthing if the price is right! What's YOUR price? Two bucks cold cash up front. I don't know which is worse... that everyone has his price, or that the price is always so low. I'd make mine higher, but it's hard to find buyers as it is.
+19920409 Whatcha doin', Dad? I'm busy trying to fix something. Why bother? On the rare occasions when you know what the problem is, you usually make it worse and hurt yourself in the process! I wish I'd noticed the bandage on his hand before I said that.
+19920410 I'm going on a bike ride. What's so funny? Nothing. Have a good time. Look, I didn't design this outfit! It's PRACTICAL! Hey Dad, how'd you get your head stuck in a bowling ball? Ha! Next time, I'll squirt them both with my water bottle.
+19920411 Tigers have no ambition, no drive! They don't accomplish anything! How do you justify yourself?!
+19920412 No text
+19920413 I've decided to believe in astrology and horoscopes. Really? You bet. It only makes sense that every facet of our daily lives should depend upon the position of celestial bodies hundreds of millions of miles away. Look here. Today I'll have "many key policies implemented". I get to have my way! Oh those mischievous planets. The newspaper couldn't print it if it weren't true!
+19920414 My horoscope says, "Turnabout means circumstances in your favour. Assert views in a confident manner. Lunar cycle high, many of your key policies will be implemented." Isn't that great? Today I'm fated to get my way! The heavens decree it! So what are your "key policies"? First, obviously, is "Don't do homework." C'mon, let's go out and play! Here comes your Mom and it looks like she has a bone to pick with the moon. Ha! Watch me assert my views in a confident manner!
+19920415 Your Mom didn't care much about the lunar sanction of your no-homework policy, did she? Hmph. Well, my horoscope said, "Many key policies will be implement." Not ALL of them. Besides, it says to expect a turnabout in my favor. Mom will relent next time for sure. What are your other key policies then? No baths, stay up late, don't go to school... THESE are the ones that will be implemented. Maybe the astrologer was looking through the wrong end of the telescope. C'mon moon, do your stuff!
+19920416 I thought I told you to take your bath. Sorry, Mom. You have no say in this. You're in for a big surprise, buster. Circumstances are going to turn in my favor! That's what my horosscope says! All human affairs are determined by stars and planets, and today they say my key policies will be implemented. That means no bath and no bedtime! By golly, it's not good to thwart the intentions of the universe! Fate just isn't what it used to be.
+19920417 I don't understand this! Not a single part of my horoscope came true! My policies weren't implemented and circumstances didn't turn in my favor! Just the opposite, in fact! What went wrong?! I thought this stuff was based on planets and stars! How could those be misread? What kind of science IS this?! I'm sure any scientist would give you a categorical answer. Maybe tomorrow's horoscope will run a correction and apology.
+19920418 Did today's horoscope print a retraction of yesterday's prediction? No, there's just a new one for today. What's it say? Yours says, "Popularity zooms upward. New encounters pay big dividends." Hmm, that's good. Wait, it goes on. "Emphasize romance. Opposite sex finds you irresistible. Lucky day for love." OH NO! I bet I know what the big dividends are! Woo woo woo!
+19920419 Whatcha doin'? Getting rich! Really? Yep. I'm writing a self-help book! There's a huge market for this stuff. First, you convince people there's something wrong with them. That's easy because advertising has already conditioned people to feel more insecure about their weight, looks, social status, sex appeal, and so on. Next, you convince them that the problem is not their fault and that they're victims of larger forces. That's easy, because it's what people believe anyway. Nobody wants to be responsible for his own situation. Finally, you convince them that with your expert advice and encouragement, they can conquer their problem and be happy! Ingenious. What problem will YOU help people solve? Their addiction to self-help books! My book is called "Shut Up And Stop Whining: How To Do Something With Your Life Besides Think About Yourself." You probably should wait for the advance before you buy anything. The trouble is... if my program works, I won't be able to write a sequel.
+19920420 Don't make me go to school! Please don't make me! Help! Leggo! Ow! Stop! You don't understand! My horoscope says I'm irresistible to girls today! I'm too popular! I'm going to get big dividends! Augghhh! What if Susie kisses me?! I don't want romance! I hate Susie! Call me in sick! Help! Dear, I got him! Grab his feet while I pry his fingers loose! PUH-LEEZE!! I wonder what it would cost to rent a place in town.
+19920421 Maybe today's horoscope won't come true. I don't WANT a lucky day for love! "Opposite sex finds you irresistible." Hee hee hee! I don't believe in astrology any more! It's all phony! Yeah, that's right! Much smoochies! Mm-mm! Yow wow! Stop it! Yesterday's predictions didn't come true, so I'm sure today's won't either! I'm not worried! When's the wedding?? Should I wear my spats?? In a minute, you'll be wearing a BODY CAST! TRY it, lover boy! We'll see how you kiss girls with a fat lip!
+19920422 Take it back! I'm never getting married! Never! Love 'em and leave 'em, eh? You rake! That does it! I'm gonna knock you into next week! Wait! Wait! Susie's coming! What? She is? AUGH! She IS! I've got to discourage romance! You can't! Smoldering passion is your fate! Gosh, Calvin, the dirt covering your features is a big improvement. Oh no, it's true! I'm a love magnet!
+19920423 Stay away, Susie! I don't want any big dividends, got it? Don't listen to Hobbes! What? The stars and the planets are doing this! I can't help it! My aura is uncontrollable! What? It's the bus! The bus is here! Whee! I'm safe! You can't do anything now! Ha ha! I'm off to school! Hoorayy! What? The way Calvin's brain is wired, you can almost hear the fuses blowing.
+19920424 So Susie didn't kiss you today? Nope! In fact, I put a worm in her hair, she knocked me down and kicked me in the shins! That doesn't sound like zooming popularity. Nope! My horoscope was completely wrong again! The planets obviously have no influence on me! What a relief to know my life isn't controlled by outside forces! I'm the master of my own fate! ... to a point, of course. The paper should print MOM's daily predictions. THOSE sure come true.
+19920425 I've been thinking about this astrology stuff. Everyone wants to know what the future holds, but you just have to wait till it happens. So really, the best preparation for the future is to take the present and ... WHOOP! AAUGHH! ... think about what you're doing? No, get yourself a good luck charm. Man, here comes ANOTHER bath!
+19920426 HELP HELP ACK OFF MMF! UMF GAKK RRRGGH Grrrr YIPE! WAAAA! SCREEECH NNNG AAAAAAAAAAAA. Thanks for the helmet, Dad. Do they sell long-range offensive weapons? Looks like you've been building some character!
+19920427 Hey Mom, can I get some plastic surgery? All the celebrities do it! Honey, celebrities need the fat sucked out of their brains, not their bottoms. What on earth do you want changed? You're fine the way you are! I want another eye put in my forehead.
+19920428 I think we need a new policy in this house. And what's that? From now on, whenever you tell me things, I don't want to hear any reasons, explanations, subtlety or context. I just want ten-second sound bites, OK? So much for THAT policy.
+19920429 For school, we're supposed to write a paragraph about what our Dads do. "Dad: the paragraph". Catchy title, huh? "What does my Dad do? Mostly, he gets on my nerves. The end." You may get a point for succinctness. Well, what else is there to say?!
+19920430 Bad news, Dad. The character issue is killing you in the polls. WHAT character issue?! I've got GREAT character! I've got character up to here! That's what we hate. My only flaw is a preternatural intolerence of pesky kids.
+19920501 Paul Gauguin asked, "Whence do we come? What are we? Where are we going?" Well, I don't know about anyone else, but I came from my room, I'm a kid with big plans, and I'm going outside! See ya later! Say, who the heck is Paul Gauguin anyway?
+19920502 Look at THIS, Dad! I've got five dollars in here! I'm rich! I've been saving my change for weeks and weeks, and look how much I've got! Guess what I'm going to do with it! Open a savings account? I'll bet I know why you guys don't get invited to parties. Every time you make a deposit, you can think, "Oh boy, another two minutes at college."
+19920503 I love summer! Three whole months with no responsibilities! There's nothing we have to do! They say idle hands are the devil's workshop. I resent that! We work darn hard at this.
+19920504 My gum has lost its flavor. When that happens, I don't spit it out. I just add a new piece. After a few packs, it's like chewing a big, soggy sock! My jaws ache and I can't close my lips, so I wheeze through my open mouth and drool! An orifice is an amusing thing, all right. Ith funny how you neffa thee gwown-upth do thith.
+19920505 Oh boy, the new issue of "Chewing"! You get a magazine? Wow, this looks great! "Special sugarless gum issue - hcoosing an artificial sweetener that's right for YOU... Tongue exercises for bigger bubbles... Rad fashion kneepads for walking and chewing... PLUS an interview with Bazooka Joe!" See, it's all target marketing! Advertisers don't waste their time on mass audiences any more. They find your special interest and they nail you! As if advertising wasn't intrusive enough before. Ooh, the '92 spearmints are out! I gotta get to a store!
+19920506 I can't believe there's a magazine for gum chewers. Heck, there must be a DOZEN such magazines. Each appeals to a different faction. "Chewing" is high-gloss, literate and sophisticated. "Gum Action" goes for the gonzo chewers. "Chewers Illustrated" aims at the vintage gum collectors, and so on! Each one encourages you to think you belong to an elite clique, so advertisers can appeal to your ego and get you to cultivate an image that sets you apart from the crowd. It's the divide and conquer trick. I wonder whatever happened to the melting pot. There's no money in it.
+19920507 Here's an interesting article. The top five gum brands are compared in terms of flavor retention, elasticity, bubble capacity and chewing rebound. The computer graph shows the results, compensating for various saliva acidities. If you know your pH, this really helps you choose the proper gum for your chewing style. What kind of nut would CARE about all this?! EVERYONE! This is hard data! It lets you quantify your enjoyment! I thought fun was supposed be FUN. Well I prefer to trust the experts.
+19920508 Here's an ad for a new gum called "Hyperbubble", and it says, "If you're not chewing Hyperbubble, you might as well be chewing cud." Ooh, great copy! Gosh, am I cool enough to chew Hyperbubble? Maybe I'm NOT! Maybe if you chew Hyperbubble, you BECOME cool! Or maybe if you chew it, everyone ASSUMES you're cool, is it doesn't matter if you are or not! What do you think? Should I buy some? If your emotional security depends on satisfying a need you didn't have until you read the ad, go ahead. I think I will! Boy, I'm glad I get this magazine!
+19920509 YAHHH! RRGGHH munch munch munch. You're right. Food DOES taste better this way.
+19920510 The fearless Spaceman Spiff descends toward the mysterious planet below! Our hero's bizarrotron indicates the presence of aliens! Spiff sets out to investigate! Crouching behind a boulder, our hero hears alien voices... talking about HIM! BLORG GABLORD SPIFF! HA HA! Spiff bursts into the open, death ray blaster blansting! "I'll give you something to talk about!" he yells! Excuse me a moment. Back in the darkness of outer space, Spiff reflects on his one miscalculation. Our hero resolves to revisit the planet, THIS time with more ammo! No sleep tonight, I see.
+19920511 As I, the maniacal tyrant, look down upon my mathetic subjects... I reflect on how their puny lives mean nothing to me except as the brute labor necessary to execute my mad designs! My lunatic whims are their laws! Ha ha ha! I thought I told you to gather the trash. Being a parent must be nice.
+19920512 Outta my way, Twinky. A person can't be a doormat unless he allows himself to be one! I refuse to budge! SHOVE. Ack! Off! Ugh! I've got to stop reading those dumb advice columns.
+19920513 RINGG RINNG. Hello, we are unable to come to the phone right now... ...so please leave a message at the sound of the click. *CLICK*
+19920514 Most people just muddle through their lives! They're passive and unmotivated! They lack ambition and drive! Not ME, though! I'm going to have an EPIC life! I'm going to wrestle the issue of the age and change the course of history! How are you going to do that? I'm going to sit here and wait, so opportunity will know where to find me when it's time to change the world. I wish I'd brought a book to read. Naah, it'll be any minute now.
+19920515 OUT! DARN!
+19920516 Our country was founded a very long time ago, roughly around 200 B.C. 200 B.C.?! "Before Calvin." THAT'S WHAT'S IMPORTANT!
+19920517 Calvin, I spent over an hour fixing this! At least TRY it! I saw what went in it! I'm not touching it!
+19920518 When I grow up, I'm not going to read the newspaper and I'm not going to follow complex issues and I'm not going to vote. That way I can complain that the government doesn't represent me. Then, when everything goes down the tubes, I can say the system doesn't work and justify my further lack of participation. An ingeniously self-fulfilling plan. It's a lot more fun to blame things than to fix them.
+19920519 Aw gee, did the darn ol' sun move some MORE?? Oh hush.
+19920520 This is the worst assignment ever! I'm supposed to think up a story, write it, and illustrate it by tomorrow! Do I look like a novelist?! This is impossible! I can't tell stories! What about your explanation of the noodle incident? THAT WASN'T A STORY! THAT WAS THE UNVARNISHED TRUTH! Oh, don't be so modest. You deserved a Pulitzer.
+19920521 Do you have an idea for your story yet? No, I'm waiting for inspiration. You can't just turn on creativity like a faucet. You have to be in the right mood. What mood is that? Last-minute panic.
+19920522 If you ask ME, these assignments don't teach you how to write. They teach you how to HATE to write. Deadlines, rules how to do it, grades... how can you be creating when someone's breathing down your neck? I guess you should try not to think about the end result too much and just have fun with the process of creating. Every time I do that, I end up in the school psychologist's office. Well, maybe not THAT much fun.
+19920523 Say, I'VE got an idea! For your story? No, I thought of a way I won't have to write one! Oh no. Hop in the time machine, Hobbes! We're going a few hours into the future! I'll have finished my story by then, so we'll just pick it up and bring it back to the present! That way I won't have to write it! Something doesn't make sense here, and I think it's me sitting in this box. Relax! We'll be back as soon as we go.
+19920524 Thank you. Thank YOU. Yep. There's nothing like a big bed for dancing. I hope your parents don't mind bad springs.
+19920525 Vortex goggles on? Here we go! We'll jump ahead to my bedtime and pick up my completed homework from my own future! Then we'll return to the present and we can goof off the rest of the evening! Here we are! You must be the 8:30 Calvin. Did you have a good trip? No. Pst! Why do you always go on these things?
+19920526 Greetings, 8:30 Calvin and Hobbes! I'm 6:30 Calvin and this is 6:30 Hobbes! Charmed. Well, since we're YOU from the past, I suppose you know why we're here. Did you do the homework? Me?? No. NO?! Why not?? Because two hours ago, I went to the future to get it. Yeah, and here I am! Where is it?! That's what I said two hours ago! I knew this would never work. Right as always, Hobbes.
+19920527 Do you mean to say it's time for bed and you still haven't written our story for school?! I figured the story was already done! How could it be done if YOU didn't write it?! Obviously it had to be done before now, because it's 8:30 and I'm supposed to be in bed! Wait a minute! If the story had been written in YOUR past, that would mean I should've written it! Well, why didn't you?! Because I came to the future to pick it up when it was DONE! If you hadn't screwed up my past, your future wouldn't be like this.
+19920528 Hold it. Let's figure this out. I'M you at 6:30 and YOU'RE me at 8:30. Neither of us did the homework. Right. That means the homework SHOULD'VE been done between my time and your time. Right. We needed to do it at 7:30. But the 7:30 Calvin clearly didn't do it, or you'd have it by now at 8:30. Yeah! This is HIS fault! That lazy little punk! He'll get us BOTH in trouble! Let's go get him!
+19920529 Hobbeses, the 8:30 Calvin and I are going to go back to 7:30 and make THAT Calvin do the homework. We'll wait here. All this time travel makes us queasy. We'll be right back. Off we go! This HAS to be the least efficient way to write a paper. All this modern technology makes people try to do everything at once.
+19920530 Ah ha! Here we are, right at 7:30! Yikes! My past and my future! Put down that comic book and do our homework! Yeah! Get to work, you loafer! Hey! Why should I do all the work? Either of you could do it too! But I didn't at 6:30 and now it's 7:30. And at 8:30 it will be too late. You're the last chance. Now are you gonna start writing or do we have to pound you? Go ahead and hit me! My FUTURE self will be the one who hurts! HEY!
+19920531 I don't think so. Definitely not. Mm... nahh... That's a little better. Eww. Yeah, perfect! What now, Calvin? No, absolutely not. Put those back. Mom says no way. Grown-ups have no taste.
+19920601 You know, Hobbes, if the 7:30 Calvin is at all like the 6:30 and 8:30 Calvins, I'll bet he isn't going to write that story. You're right, Hobbes. Why don't WE write a story while we're waiting for them? Yeah! Calvin could use it for his class then. I'll write it down and you can illustrate it! OK, now what should our story be about? Calvin's not here. Let's write about HIM! Hee hee hee! Hoo hoo! Drawing Calvin is easy! You just make a big mouth and add some hair!
+19920602 Look, guys, you can't gang up on ME! Oh yeah? Why not? Because we're all the same Calvin! In one hour, the 6:30 Calvin will be ME, and in another hour, we'll BOTH be the 8:30 Calvin. That means you guys will suffer whatever you do to me. Oh yeah. Oops. Whose dumb idea was this anyway? His? His!
+19920603 We're back, but we didn't get the homework. Now it's 8:30 again and we're doomed. Here you go! Hobbes and I wrote a story for you while you were gone! You DID?? Ha ha! We're all done! We can go back to 6:30 now! Thanks, Hobbeses! You guys are life savers! Calvin? It's Mom! Hurry! Hobbes, get in! We'll be you in a couple hours! So long! Aren't you in bed yet? Don't come in! I'm... uh... changing into my PJs!
+19920604 Did you write your story for class tomorrow? Sort of. What do you mean, "sort of"? Well, Hobbes helped and I had to do a lot of time traveling. Is your story written or not? Oh, it's written. I just haven't read it.
+19920605 All right, Calvin, go ahead. What's YOUR story about? I don't know yet, but I'm sure it's good! My story is entitled, "How Hobbes, the handsome tiger, saved the day... ...no thanks to Calvin, the time-traveling chowderhead." WHAT?! Is there a problem? There WILL be for a certain stripey furball when I get home.
+19920606 OK, YOU! Me?? This story you wrote is about ME trying to get OUT of writing the STORY! You made my time traveling sound like LUNACY! And the illustration You drew the THREE of me fighting! I was the laughing-stock of the whole class! What grade did it get? Um... A+. She wrote, "Very creative. The 'tiger' narration was a clever touch. I'm glad you're finally applying yourself." ... BUT EVEN SO...!! A+? Maybe I should send this to the New Yorker.
+19920607 A solitary zokk circles high in the sweltering skies of a desert planet. Below, a thin plume of smoke rises from the wreckage of a small, red spacecraft. Our hero, the intrepid Spaceman Spiff, crawls across the sun-baked land! He... he must find shelter! Wait! Something is approaching! Is it a mirage? Goodness, put on some sun screen and wear a hat if you're going to be out here. Honestly, show a little common sense. And don't give me that look. Spiff survives, fixes his ship and sets off to find a more temperate planet with fewer aliens.
+19920608 Baseball is an intelligent sport. There's more to it than brute force. It may seem slow, but that's because it's a thinking man's game. There's a lot of strategy to consider. Especially the way WE play! Right! Now, the first person to discover twelfth base gets a ghost point and one free "Get out of jail"...
+19920609 You'll be proud to know I'm going to donate all the snot I sneeze to hospitals for mucus transfusions. Oh stop being disgusting, Calvin! Nobody needs THAT donated! What an idea! Oh. I have a jar for you to wash.
+19920610 Dad, where do babies come from? Is it true a stork leaves them swaddled in a bundle on the front step? In most cases, yes, but YOU were unceremoniously dumped down the chimney by a big, hairy pterodactyl. COOL! Explains a lot, doesn't it?
+19920611 All? Eez thees der pooblic lahbrorry? Yah! I em beeg eemportant rezearcher oond I require eenglish voolgar zynonyms for disgustink body vunktions, yah? Allo? Allo? No luck? Those librarians are a sharp bunch.
+19920612 This town just ain't big enough few the both of us! Yep, I reckon we'll have to annex part o' the county! Mom won't let us play with guns. I get to be the zoning board!
+19920613 BUH-URRRRRRRRRRP! Good HEAVENS, Calvin! What do you say after that?! Great diaphragm control, huh? She'll be sorry when I'm a famous soloist for the orchestra. Maybe she thinks your pitch is off.
+19920614 CALLLVINN! Mom's calling, start the stopwatch. Shouldn't you answer her? CALLVINNN! Not yet. She doesn't see us, so she can't prove we heard her. The trick is to listen to her tone of voice and answer just before she gets mad enough to come looking for us. CALVIN!! OK, that was it. Now we play innocent. ARE YOU CALLING ME?? Come inside. It's time for bed. It's getting dark. Ha! She made a tactical blunder! Darkness is relative! IT'S NOT DARK! YES IT IS. COME INSIDE. I CAN STILL SEE MY HANDS! IT'S NOT REAL DARK! IT'S DARK ENOUGH. LET'S GO. Rats, she cut off the debate before we could really define the terms. Now we have to bargin. CAN I STAY OUT ANOTHER TEN MINUTES? THAT'S ALL I WANT! NO, COME IN NOW. FIVE MINUTES THEN! JUST FIVE MINUTES, OK? NOW, CALVIN! Darn, she's catching on! She guessed that MY five minutes is HER half-hour. We'll go for the fake agreement. OK, I'M COMING! Now we can stay out a little longer before she realizes I lied. How's the time? We've dragged this out 53 seconds so far. Good, let's go for the record! Oops, I lost my shoe! Every minute outside and awake is a GOOD minute.
+19920615 This is the dumbest thing I've ever seen in my life! Yeah, well go soak your head! HEY, THAT'LL BE ONE DOLLAR!
+19920616 How do I know your ideas are great? It says so on my sign. Want one? I don't have a dollar. No problem! You can put 50 cents down and pay 100% interest in dime installments over the next 10 days! People just don't know a reat idea when they hear one.
+19920617 I'm having an inventory reduction sale! Great ideas are now just a quarter! OK, here. What's your great idea? Buy some more! I'm getting another great idea right now. Me too. See ya.
+19920618 Ahh, another bowl of chocolate frosted sugar bombs! The seocnd bowl is always the best! The pleasure of my FIRST bowl is diminished by the anticipation of future bowls... ...and by the end of my THIRD bowl, I usually feel sick. Maybe you shouldn't use chocolate milk. I tried cola, but the bubbles went up my nose.
+19920619 You call this NEWS?! THIS isn't informative! This is a sound bite! This is entertainment! This is sensationalism! Fortunately, that's all I have the patience for.
+19920620 Well, let's check my calendar and see what our schedule is for today. Today says, "Do nothing." So does tomorrow, and every day after... all the way through the end of August. I LIKE this itinerary! Let's get right to it!
+19920621 A bee nest! I hate bees! WHAP ZZZZZZZ AIEE! AAAAAAAAA YOWW! I don't see the "harpoon" that "gored" you, but this will help the sting. Call the national guard. I'm sure they can track the bee on radar.
+19920622 Mom got me some clay! Want to help me make something? Do we get smocks? I want a smock! This kind of clay isn't that messy. You don't need a smock. I WANT A SMOCK! Ok, ok, you can have a smock! Let's get a marker and write "Don't knock my smock, or I'll clean your clock." I guess it wouldn't show if dad wore his suit coat.
+19920623 I like my smock. Good. ...OK, I'll divide up the clay. Here's yours. You can tell the quality of the artist by the quality of his smock. Uh huh... you have to work this stuff a bit to get it soft. Actually, I just like to SAY smock. See, just knead it like so, and then it can be modeled. Smock smock smock smock smock smock! WHAT ON EARTH IS WRONG WITH YOU?!
+19920624 Fine art is dead, Hobbes. Nobody understands it. Nobody likes it. Nobody sees it. It's irrelevant in today's culture. If you want to influence people, POPULAR art is the way to go. Mass market commercial art is the future. Besides, it's the only way to make serious money and that's what's important about being an artist. So what kind of sculpture are you making? Please! It's not a "sculpture". It's "collectible figurines".
+19920625 See, the problem with fine art is that it's supposed to express original truths. But who likes originality and truth?! Nobody! Life's hard enough without it! Only an idiot would PAY for it! But POPULAR art knows the customer is always right! People want more of what they already know they like, so popular art gives it to 'em! And how ARE the movie sequels this summer? Great! Man, there's nothing I hate more than paying five bucks and having to deal with some new plot.
+19920626 There, I made a tiger. THAT'S no good! Who's going to buy something like that?! It's subtle! It's boring! It's incomprehensible! How will this ever appeal to the lowest common denominator?! It's completely unadaptable to merchendising tie-ins! Who cares? I just wanted to make it. WHAT?! IS THIS SOME SNOBBY, ELITIST, AESTETIC THING?!?
+19920627 Look at the dopey clay tiger Hobbes made. Gee Calvin, I think this is good. You LIKE it?? Where's the marketabiity? Ask Hobbes if we can put it on the coffee table. But look what I made! A hundred shrunken heads of popular cartoon characters! Eww, you stitched their mouths shut?! Gloat now, 'cause some day I'll be a lot richer than you. I call it "Symphony in Orange, No. 1".
+19920628 Summer days are supposed to be longer, but they sure seem short to me. I'll say. We didn't get to do half our itinerary.
+19920629 Suse, stay right there! I want to show you something. It's a surprise, so close your eyes. I'll be right back. Don't move. Oh, cover your nose so you don't smell anything, OK? That's real important. And all your clothes are washable, right? Doggone it, nobody's going to be her friend if she won't TRUST anyone.
+19920630 If people sat outside and looked at the stars each night, I'll bet they'd live a lot differently. How so? Well, when you look into infinity, you realize that there are more important things to do than what people do all day. We spent OUR day looking under rocks in the creek. I mean OTHER people.
+19920701 Mom, I have a question. Sure, Honey. Why would it be worth four dollars a minute to talk on the telephone to goofy ladies who wear their underwear on TV commercials? When were you watching that?! Um... It was on... uh... during my morning cartoons. Somehow, whenever I ask a question, I end up with lots of them to answer.
+19920702 Let's not play this any more, hmm? It's not MY fault you make a very big frog!
+19920703 What are you doing inside? It's a beautiful day out! Go move around! HEY! It's too hot! It's too bright! It's too humid! It's too buggy! IT'S TOO REAL!
+19920704 Heh heh heh! Heh heh heh! I wish I had more enemies. I'm sure you will someday, honey.
+19920705 I wish we could stop summer right here and have the days stay the same way they are. That's the problem with life. It rolls along with speed you can't control. You can't go faster or slower. Fun experiences always go roaring by. ...while bad experiences never pass quickly enough. I wish we could choose how fast and slow events go. For example, I'd like to speed up childhood and get up to driving age. It's not the pace of life I mind. It's the sudden stop at the end.
+19920706 Boy, there's nothing worse than an inscrutable omen.
+19920707 I saw a cloud that looked just like me! Really? There was a head, huge and white, floating in the ethereal blue! Obviously it's a SIGN! Of what? Very peculiar high altitude winds, I guess. Science kind of takes the fun out of the portent business. You know, some sort of cumulonimbal thing.
+19920708 Hi Dad, it's me, Calvin. I just called to let you know it's a perfect day outside. Too bad you're trapped in a boring office while I'm running around free with no responsibilities! Have a good summer! Ha ha ha! *click* Childhood is for spoiling adulthood.
+19920709 People are so self-centered. The world would be a better place if people would stop thinking about themselves and focus on others for a change. Gee, I wonder who that might apply to. Me! Everyone should focus more on ME!
+19920710 Here I am, all set to write my autobiography, and I'm stuck! What's the problem? I can't remember the first half of my life! Maybe your Mom knows what you did. I asked her. She said I did revolting things that are probably unpublishable. Well no wonder you suppressed the memories. Maybe I was in jail!
+19920711 The problem with tigers is they have no setting between "Off" and "High".
+19920712 I read another article whining about how much violence is on television. So I've seen a few thousand homicides in my day! What's the big deal?! It's my RIGHT to watch violence on TV! It's people like me who make these programs profitable! I say the consumer is always right, and if the advertisers want me to watch TV, the shows had better pander to my tastes! ... and frankly, I like to watch shoot outs, car wrecks, fist fights, and grisly muders! I like to be ENTERTAINED! Don't you worry that all this violence is desensitizing? Nahh. I'd like to shoot the idiots who think this stuff affects me.
+19920713 I let my mind wander a bit and it didn't come back. I figured you'd lost your mind years ago.
+19920714 Bugs fly in such crazy loops and zigzags. I wonder why they don't get dizzy and barf. Maybe they do! Eww, gross! Ha ha ha! But then why would they keep flying that way? Maybe bugs LIKE to barf! EWWWW! They WOULD!! Ha ha ha ha! Blaugh! I tell you, Hobbes, it's great to have a friend who appreciates an earnest discussion of ideas.
+19920715 What if we die and it turns out our God is a big CHICKEN?? What then?! Just eat your dinner, OK? ETERNAL CONSEQUENCES, THAT'S WHAT!
+19920716 One of the joys of being a kid is that experiences are new and therefore more intense. For example, I'm about to stick my nose in a jar of mustard and inhale deeply! Let's see what it's like. WHOOP!! See, whed you are oder, you dake your sinuses fo granded. Some of us prefer to.
+19920717 How's your book? I can't put it down. Gripping? You said it. Maybe you should wash your hands. It's peanut butter mixed with bubble gum.
+19920718 Whither goest thou, young rogue? Can there yet remain some villany thou hast not committed? Thou dost wrong me! Faith, I know not where I wander. Methings the most capricious zephyr hath more design than I. Bot lo: do not detain me. For I am resolv'd to quit this place forthwith. Ay, but hear you this, I'll soon know thy business, get thee gone, wastrel! By my troth, I am off. Holy schlaMOLY, isn't there a cop show on where they talk like real people? Shhh.
+19920719 ... SIGHHH... Three plus two... Calvin?
+19920720 The best thing about Captain Steroid comic books is that every issue is number one. Every issue?? Sure! That way they're ALL collector items! These will be worth billions of dollars some day! Of course, they're so cheaply printed you have to preserve them in plastic bags, but it's a small investment for such a huge guaranteed return. Gosh, and I keep buying bonds. Look at the great committee that drew THIS issue!
+19920721 Mom, Hobbes takes my comic books and reads them before I do! Make him stop! Um... He spoils all the good parts too! He yells out what's happening while he's reading. He goes, "Oh no, Captain Steroid is getting his kidneys punched with an I-Beam! Oh gross, now he's bleeding all over the..." Let me see this comic book. NOW DON'T YOU READ IT FIRST!!
+19920722 Mom doesn't understand comic books. She doesn't realize that comic books deal with serious issues of the day. Today's superheroes face tough moral dilemmas. Comic books aren't escapist fantasy. They're sophisticated social critiques. Is Amazon girl's super power the ability to squeeze that figure into that suit? Nah, they can all do that.
+19920723 Whoa, Dad! Don't miss your bus! Leggo!
+19920724 Is the coast clear? Give me a boost! What's the plan? We wait for Susie to walk underneath this tree and then we drop a water balloon on her! What if she doesn't walk by? Then we just sit in the tree all day. I love summer. The days are just PACKED!
+19920725 Wow, look at the grass stains on my skin. I say, if your knees aren't green by the end of the day, you ought to seriously re-examine your life.
+19920726 Today at school, I tried to decide whether to cheat on my test or not. I wondered, is it better to do the right thing and fail... or is it better to do the wrong thing and succeed! On the one hand, underserved success gives no satisfaction... but on the other hand, well-deserved failure gives no satisfaction either. Of course, most everybody cheats some time or other. People always bend the rules if they think they can get away with it. ...then again, that doesn't justify MY cheating. Then I thought, look, cheating on one little test isn't such a big deal. It doesn't hurt anyone. ...but then I wondered if I was just rationalizing my unwillingness to accept the consequence of my not studying. Still, in the real world, people care about success, not principles. ...then again, maybe that's why the world is in such a mess. What a dilemma! So what did you decide? Nothing. I ran out of time and had to turn in a blank paper. Anymore, simply acknowledging the issue is a moral victory. Well, it just seemed wrong to cheat on an ethics test.
+19920727 Life is so sweet.
+19920728 I have a question, Dad. Sure. Which exactly are the halcyon days of my youth? Is Saturday one? I believe they are awarded retroactively when you're grown up. You can't identify them until THEN? Calcyonity is relative. I'll go ask Mom.
+19920729 It's too hot to sleep with you in the bed. You're blocking the breeze and you take up too much room! Opening the window more isn't going to help! The problem is your big, hot, furry body! Hey! Leggo! I didn't mean it! No! I'm comfortable! Reall! And Mom can't imagine how my pajamas get so gritty.
+19920730 I don't have anything to do. Well, then why don't you go clean your room? I was bragging.
+19920731 How's business? Terrible. That's hard to believe. I can't understand it. Everybody I know needs what I'm selling.
+19920801 When you're as long as the pool, swimming a lap in zero seconds isn't a record.
+19920802 Look, a dead bird! It must've hit the window. Isn't it beautiful? It's so delicate. Sighhh... once it's too late, you appreciate what a miracle life is. You realize that nature is ruthless and our existence is very fragile, temporary and precious. But to go on with your daily affairs, you can't really think about that. ...which is probably why everyone takes the world for granted and why we act so thoughtlessly. It's very confusing. I suppose it will all make sense when we grow up. No doubt.
+19920803 OPEN THE DOOR!
+19920804 I don't have to go to bed now! I don't have to do what you say! Actually you do. It's in your contract. My contract? what contract? Oh, it's a pretty standard pre-natal form. I had power of attorney since you wer ejust a few cells. Paragraph two specifies your bedtime. Dad says I can renegotiate when I'm 18. This 7:30 bedtime will be tough to explain to your prom date.
+19920805 Why do you sleep so much? I like to be rested when things start to happen. What are you talking about?! Nothing ever happens around here! Give me a break! AAAUGHH!
+19920806 C'mon, let's go try to find a big poisonous snake! What will we do if we see one? Are you kidding? We'll scare ourselves silly and run around in circles, screaming like a bunch of loons! I look forward to when we're old enough to get our morning jolt from coffee. Ahh, I'll bet that wears off quicker.
+19920807 Oh greatest of mass media, thank you for elevating emotion, reducing thought, and stifling imagination. Thank you for the artificiality of quick solutions and for the insidious manipulation of human desires for commercial purposes. This bowl of lukewarm tapioca represents my brain. I offer it in humble sacrifice. Bestow thy flickering light forever.
+19920808 You know what I've discovered? What? A little rudeness and disrespect can elevate a meaningless interaction into a battle of wills and add drama to an otherwise dull day. Oh, that's good to know. If you weren't such a muttonhead, you might have thought of it yourself! See?? You proved my point!
+19920809 Altitude-o-tron... check! Gamma beam macerator... check! Windshield defogger... check! Initiate final countdown! Five four three two one... FWOOM. How was our day? Well, I enjoyed coming home...
+19920810 I slept on my hair funny. I can tell. Maybe if I mousse it, it will stay like this! See if your Mom has any curlers for the back!
+19920811 Hello, information? Yes, what exactly is the difference between a hotdog, a weiner and a frankfurter? What? Whaddaya MEAN?! OK, FINE! Thanks for NOTHING, you fraud!! And I've heard the "operator" isn't even a surgeon! You can't trust anyone.
+19920812 I'm sick of hearing about personal responsibility! I've already DONE my part to make the world a better place to live. Really? Sure! I was BORN! Oh yes, I forgot to thank you. Join the club!
+19920813 Man, it must be 100 degrees today! Animals sure are dumb to have all that fur. People sure are ugly without it. I'll bet he's cranky because he's so hot.
+19920814 Run for your life! There's a million angry hornets coming! They're insane with rage! They'll sting anyone in their path! Lousy bugs! What are they made about? I've been throwing rocks at their nest all morning. A REAL FRIEND WOULDN'T TAKE THEIR SIDE!!
+19920815 Whee hee hee SPLOOSHH. Oh, what an awful thing I did! How I regret it now! I hereby resolve to change my evil ways! Oh remorse, remorse! My penitent sinner shtick needs work.
+19920816 No text
+19920817 Wake up, honey. It's morning. Gosh, it's not very bright out. What time is ... Let's go, honey. Jump out of bed! Mom?? NICE TRY!! See, I TOLD you his Mom doesn't smack her lips like that. OK, YOU do it next time!
+19920818 Goodness, you look tired. The monsters under my bed kept me up all night. But I checked for monsters when I tucked you in... and there weren't any. I know. Then how did they get there after I left? YOU WANT ME TO CRAWL UNDER AND ASK THEM?!
+19920819 Mom wants me to try an experiment tonight. She says the monsters under my bed may need me to THINK about them to exist. Her theory is that if I just don't think about them, they'll go away. ...of course, that idea of being dragged under the bed and devoured by monsters has a way of gripping the mind. And it's not like Mom and Dad go away when I stop thinking about THEM.
+19920820 Attention all monster! I am now going to stop thinking about you! MOMMMM! Admit it, you LIED to us!
+19920821 As soon as we turn the lights off, the monsters will come back out from under the bed. They're not going to go away, so I guess we need to find some way to live with them. It's hard to co-exist with things that want to kill you. Well we've got to do SOMETHING. We are. We're staying awake all night with the lights on. I wonder if we could set fire to the bed without burning the house down.
+19920822 Whoo! It smells awful in here! Why does your room stink? It's because of the darn monsters under my bed! Calvin, I don't believe for a minute that your nighttime "monsters" are causing this smell. But it's true. See? They don't eat all the garbage we throw down there to keep 'em quiet.
+19920823 AHHHHHHH. HUHHNNNGH. KAWUNCH!
+19920824 Ta da da daaaaa! I'm STUPENDOUS MAN! Kapwinnnggg! Virtual reality has nothing on Calvin.
+19920825 I feel I have an obligation to keep a journal of my thoughts. Oh? Being a genius, my ideas are naturally more important and interesting than other people's, so I figure the world would benefit from a record of my mental activities. How philanthropic of you. Well, the world isn't going to get it cheap. So what are you writing today? I couldn't really think of anything, so I'm drawing some Martians attaching Indianapolis.
+19920826 Call me Calvin. actually, make that "Calvin, Boy Genius, Hope of Mankind." ... or "Doctor Destiny" for short. (That's "Doctor Destiny, Sir" to you.) My journal is off to a good start.
+19920827 I wish my shirt had a logo or a product on it. A good shirt turns the wearer into a walking corporate billboard! It says to the world, "My identity is so wrapped up in what I buy that I paid the COMPANY to advertise its products!" You'd admit that? Oh sure, endorsing products is the American way to express individuality.
+19920828 Know what I pray for? What? The strength to change what I can, the inability to accept what I can't, and the incapacity to tell the difference. You should lead an interesting life. Oh, I already DO!
+19920829 We've got to get cable TV, Dad. No, we don't. But people across the country are watching different TV shows than we are! If we don't all watch the same TV, what will keep our culture homogeneous? We can't rely on monolithic natworks to provide uniform national blandness anymore! There's still McDonald's and Wal-Mart. But they don't come into our HOMES!
+19920830 DING DONG. C'mon, c'mon... answer the door! DING DONG DING DONG DING DONG DING DONG. What's wrong with you people?? Don't you answer your door? AAAUGH! Oh, it figures it's you. Mom says our doorbell is not a toy. Go away. Hopeless. From now on, it's illegal to hide in other people's houses. Good try, though. Girls just don't understand sports. That's the problem.
+19920831 Where do the candidates stand on dinosaur research?! That's what I want to know! Which party has the pro-paleontology platform plank? They can't ignore the dinosaur vote! If nobody panders to us, we'll throw the election! We'll stay home! We're disaffected, disenfranchised and discombobulated! We single-issue activities like to have our "hot buttons" pushed.
+19920901 Hey Dad, know what I figured out? The meaning of words isn't a fixed thing! Any word can mean anything! By giving words new meanings, ordinary English can become an exclusionary code! Two generations can be divided by the same language! To that end, I'll be inventing some new definitions for common words. So we'll be unable to communicate. Don't you think that's totally spam? It's lubricated! Well, I'm phasing. Marvy. Fab. Far our.
+19920902 Watcha doin'? I'm seeing if it's hot enough to fry an egg on the sidewalk. I guess it isn't. Ugh. What a mess. C'mon, I'll bet it's hotter on the car dash!
+19920903 I hate hearing about social responsibility! Whatever happened to unbridled greed, the conspicuous consumption of wealth, and the get-ahead-by-any-means credo?? Don't tell me it's all over! I didn't get to participate! They can't change the game before I'm old enough to play! It's not fair! The "Me Decade" left without its poster child. Maybe we can declare THIS the "Calvin Decade".
+19920904 I ate a popsicle and now my tongue is purple, and my face is a sticky, blotchy red. My fingers are gummy, my arms are tacky where I wiped my mouth, my shirt is dripping wet, and the stick is stuck to my pocket. I'm a syrupy mess! Who can I hug? I'm sitting over here.
+19920905 Oh no... oh no... WHERE ARE ALL MY CARTOON CHARACTER UNDERPANTS?? In the laundry. Wear something else. RRRRGGHHH I hate it when I can't gird my loins with funny animals.
+19920906 Very good work, Calvin. You got an "A". All right, class. Books open! Next chapter! Sighhhh...
+19920907 People complain that the entertainment industry caters to the lowest common denominator of public taste, but I disagree. You do? Yeah, I think it's a fallacy that taste bottoms out somewhere. If they could find some way to aim even LOWER, they'd make some REAL money. I'm sure there's a brilliant career ahead of you. There MUST be a way to cram more violence into 90 minutes!
+19920908 Let's go! Time for bed. I'm not going to bed. Oh yes, you are. Move it. Don't be so dysfunctional, Mom. I've got a new entry for our list of words that get a reaction.
+19920909 What's with the umbrella and backpack? My motto is "Be Prepared". Prepared for what? One never knows. I've got a dart gun, five comic books, some gum, a wrench, a book on bugs, a map of Montana, an eraser, and a rock. Gee, EVERYone should carry a kit like this. The umbrella doubles as a parachute.
+19920910 Eight hundred and seventy-three million... four hundred ninety-one thousand... six hundred and thirty-TWO! This gets easier when the numbers are big.
+19920911 Yes, Calvin? Miss Wormwood, I'm a fierce advocate of the separation of church and state. Nevertheless, I feel the need for spiritual guidance and comfort as I face the day's struggles. So I was wondering if I could strip down, smear myself with paste, and set fire to this little effigy of you in a non-denominational sort of way. Boy, what a touchy subject!
+19920912 I DON'T WANNA TAKE A BATH! I DON'T WANNA TAKE A BATH! YOU CAN'T MAKE ME! AGHH! LEGGO! LEGGO! NO NO NO NO NO NO NO! PUT ME DOWN! I WISH I WAS DEAD! I HATE YOU ALL! I HATE EVERYTHING! AARRGGHHH! Whenever I hear about people trying to rediscover the "child within", I want to scream.
+19920913 Calvin, the mighty tyrannosaur, stands over his kill and roars triumphantly! The struggle to bring down his prey has given Calvin a monstrous appetite! With massive jaws twisting violently at the carcass, he rips apart gigantic chunks and swallows them whole! What a disgusting spectacle of savage gluttony! That's enough for tonight, Calvin. You're going to get sick if you eat all that. But Mom, I earned it!
+19920914 When you look at me, it's clear that my genes contain the evolutionary perfection of earthly DNA. I am the culmination of creation. With no tail?! I don't think so! Stop that! My butt doesn't NEED aesthetic enhancement.
+19920915 When you think how well basic appliances work, it's hard to believe anyone ever gets on an airplane.
+19920916 Here, take a picture of me, OK? Sure. I'll sit holding this big book, looking contemplative. Why do you want a picture like THAT? On the off-chance I decide to do something responsible with my life, I'll need to establish a ficticious childhood.
+19920917 This is what I like about photography. People think cameras always tell the truth. They think the camera is a dispassionate machine that records only facts, but really, cameras lie all the time! Select the facts and you manipulate the truth! For example, I've cleared off this corner of my bed. Take a picture of me here, but crop out all the mess around me, so it looks like I keep my room tidy. Is this even legal? Wait, let me comb my hair and put on a tie.
+19920918 OK, there's a picture of me looking well-adjusted and playing sports. That ought to do it. You hate sports. Yeah, but people believe what they see, and now we've got a photographic document of a fake childhood ready for any future biographical needs I may have! Pretty shrewd planning, huh? Except for one detail. Suppose the photographer doesn't keep quiet? You drive a hard bargain, flea-bait. Ooh, now Maggot-man is about to reveal his secret identity to Amazon-babe!
+19920919 I'm a simple man, Hobbes. YOU?? Yesterday you wanted a nuclear powered car that could turn into a jet with laser-guided head-seeking missiles! I'm a simple man with complex tastes.
+19920920 If you could have anything in the world right now, what would it be? ...hmm... Anything at all! Whatever you want! A sandwich. A SANDWICH?!? WHAT KIND OF A STUPID WISH IS THAT?! Talk about a failure of imagination! I'D ask for a trillion billion dollars, my own space shuttle and a private continent. I got MY wish.
+19920921 You have a question, Calvin? More of a statement, really. I just want to say that education is our most important investment in the future, and it's scandalous how little our educators are paid! OK, hands up. Who ELSE didn't do the homework for today? Actually, I'd like to see more teachers out on the streets.
+19920922 You're dead at recess, Twinky. You don't scare ME, Moe. This is just your clumsy way of coping with the fact that I'M a genius and YOU'RE still struggling with the concept of walking erect. POW! The truth will set your teeth free.
+19920923 I hate school! I'm not going to school ever again! I refuse! I think Mum lettered in shot put her junior year.
+19920924 I hate going to school. I wish I was a tiger. Tigers don't need to know anything. Attacking running animals involves a lot of physics. There's velocity, gravity and laws of motion, not to mention all the biology we have to know. Then there's the artistic expression of it all, and a lot more! Gosh, I never realized killing was so grounded in the liberal arts. My dissertation on ethics was VERY well received.
+19920925 I figured out how I can achieve success without hard work. How? I'll find a profession where everyone in it is worse than me! That might take hard work.
+19920926 Act casual.
+19920927 BBRRBBBRBB beep beep. GAAAPA! OOMP. You moved upwind, silly! Sheesh, human senses aren't worth beans. GET OFF ME, YOU PSYCHOTIC SAVAGE! Your nature program is on. Don't you want to watch it? NO!
+19920928 Aren't you supposed to be doing your homework? I'm pretty sure the assignment was optional. Denial springs eternal. It's not denial. I'm just very selective about the reality I accept.
+19920929 I say a day without denial is a day you've got to face. From now on, I'm not going to think about anything unpleasant. Isn't that a self-deceiving way to go through life? I'm not going to think about that.
+19920930 Time for your bath. Let's go. Sorry, I'm in denial about my baths. Fine. Go ahead and deny it. Nobody respects my denial.
+19921001 No text
+19921002 Can I have five dollars? If you want money, you should earn it by working. Shaking you down seems to be work.
+19921003 I need a push! Someone push me! I need a push! Everybody I know fails the acid test of friendship.
+19921004 Boy, it's cold out! It's a perfect day for us snowmen! What a great spot for a few feet of snow! Yes sir. A snowman like me could be real happy here! ... sighhhh... The decoy isn't working? Maybe ducks are easier to fool than snow.
+19921005 A quandary. Mom once said she loved me, just the way I am. So I wonder what would happen, if I became a clam. If her son was gray and grimy, slippery and sliy, an oversized hors d'oeuvre, would Mom still have the nerve? Good poetry gives me goosebumps.
+19921006 What story would you like tonight? We can read anything except... "Hamster Huey and the Gooey Kablooie"! NO! No Hamster Huey tonight! We've read that book a million times! I want Hamster Huey! Look, you KNOW how the story goes! You've memorized the whole thing! It's the same story every day! I WANT HAMSTER HUEY! Wow, the story was different THAT time! Do you think the townsfolk will ever find Hamster Huey's head?
+19921007 I wish I had a baby brother. You want a new friend to play with? No, I want somebody small I could beat up. Look honey, can we talk about that operation some other time?
+19921008 Dad? are you busy? Well, sort of, why? Oh, nothing. I was just thinking, maybe, if you had the time, you and I could do a father-son kind of project. You know, just the two of us. Why of course we can! That's more important than this! Sure, what would you like to do? You're old enough to buy firearms and explosives, right?
+19921009 Look how your tail flips around! I wonder which muscles control that. I can sort of clench my butt, but I don't think it could wiggle a tail. Hmm, how strange! I've never really thought about butt muscles before. Some things don't need the thought people give them.
+19921010 I'M IN A VERY BAD MOOD, SO NOBODY'D BETTER MESS WITH ME TODAY, BOY!! Here, I got you a new comic book. Why don't you just sit on the couch and I'll make you some peanut butter crackers. Are you comfy? Um, I guess so. Mom knows EVERYTHING.
+19921011 Hello, Calvin. I am Doctor 5-40. Y-you're a robot?? Ha hah, affirmative. We wouldn't trust a delicate operation like this to clumsy HUMAN hands, now, would we? Um... I gues not... How's the anesthetic? Feel anything? ... no... Good. This will just take a moment. Hold this jar, would you? Ta de tum tum... a little gray matter here, a dab there... ah, that should do it. Wow, that was easy! How do you fell? Smart! This knowledge implant should provide all the wisdom you'll ever need. Great! No more school! Thanks, Doctor! Go home and have 12 years of fun. Sighhhh.
+19921012 I bet you're all thinking, "Wow, how did these clothes walk to the front of the class all by themselves?" And NOW look! Here's a piece of chalk floating around! Pretty weird, huh? Yes, for Show and Tell today, I, Calvin, have turned myself invisible! Ha ha! Now I'll take off these clothes and the next sound you hear will be my feet heading for the door! Adios, amigos! Lucky guess, Miss Wormwood! Woooooh, these pants are hovering over the class! Ooooh!
+19921013 I'm not going to do my math homework. Look at these unsolved problems. Here's a number in mortal combat with another. One of them is going to get subtracted. But why? How? What will be left of him? If I answered these, it would kill the suspense. It would resolve the conflict and turn intruiging possibilities into boring ol' facts. I never really thought about the literary qualities of math. I prefer to savor the myster.
+19921014 Miss Wormwood? Yes, Calvin? If ignorance is bliss, this lesson would appear to be a deliberate attempt to deprive me of happiness, the pursuit of which is my unalienable right according to the declaration of independence. I therefore assert my patriotic prerogative not to know this material. I'll be out on the playground. HELLLPP! MONARCHISTS!
+19921015 I'm gonna pound you at recess, Twinky. Oh yeah? I'D LIKE TO SEE YOU TRY IT! My brain wishes my ego had call-waiting.
+19921016 Hello, county library? Yes, do you have any books on why girls are so weird? That's what I said. Or you might also try looking under "obnoxious". Are you serious?! You mean there's no research on this at all?? I'll bet the library just doesn't want anyone to know.
+19921017 MOM? MOM? I'm taking a bath, Calvin. Oh, OK, never mind. It was nothing. SPLISH SPLASH SPLOOSH. It's ALWAYS something. So I've noticed.
+19921018 Look at that kid's snowman! What a pathetic cliche! Am I supposed to identify with this complacent moron and his shovel?? This snowman says nothing about the human condition! Is this all the kid has to say about contemporary suburban life?! The soulless banality of this snowman is a sad comment on today's art world. Now come look at MY snowman. I call it, "The Torment of Existence Weighted Against the Horror of Nonbeing". As he melts, this sculpture will become even more poignant. I admire your willingness to put artistic integrity before marketability.
+19921019 BARK BARK BARK WOOF WOOF Oh no, not AGAIN! Once this starts, every dog in the neighborhood starts yapping! GET IN HERE!
+19921020 I wish it was winter. Well, it won't be for a while yet. Then I wish it was spring or summer. You don't like autumn? Oh, autumn is fine. It's the present I don't like.
+19921021 There really ought to be a fall olympics.
+19921022 It's a high price to pay, but nuzzling tiger tummies is one of the great pleasures of life.
+19921023 I said to go out LONG! Keep going! This is as far as you can throw the ball. THAT'S NOT TRUE! OK, I'll step closer. It'll be the last think you ever do, you flea feast? Oh yeah? Let's see if you fight as badly as you throw! I guess this is another incomplete. It's a good thing we don't have to fight some OTHER team!
+19921024 Where's the ball? I don't see it. You look over there and I'll look over here. It doesn't matter if you win or lose. It's HOW you play the game!
+19921025 That's two outs! I should've stayed at second base. You've still got a snowman at third. I love a good game of speed sled base snow ball!
+19921026 I love recess! Two minutes ago, I was eating devilled ham, chocolate milk, grapes and ice cream. And now, I'm running around on a playground full of nausea-inducing disorienting motion devices. It's the one time at school I get some solitude.
+19921027 Hey Susie, pick a number in the fortune teller. Um... three. One, two, three! Now pick a letter. "B". We lift up flap "B" and it says, "You're a mouth-breakthing bag of boogers!" AH HA HA HA HA HA! Life doesn't get much better than this.
+19921028 RRINNGGG. Didn't you hear the bell? Recess is over. It's time to go in. I'm not done yet. It takes me more than one recess to wear myself into a state of submission.
+19921029 Susie, do you want to trade Captain Napalm bubble gum cards? After chewing almost $20 worth of gum, I've collected all the cards except numbers 8 and 34. I'll trade you any duplicate for either of those. I don't collect Captain Napalm bubble gum cards. It must be depressing to go through life with no purpose.
+19921030 OOF! Ackpth! Pbthp! That was a fumble! Aren't you going to get the ball? No, you can have it. It's not much fun playing with someone who would rather tackle than win. Go on, take a running start.
+19921031 It's third down and four to go...
+19921101 My hands were all shaky, my face had gone pale. A letter from Santa just arrived in the mail! It was hand-written in old-fashioned ink pen. It was handsomely printed and dated twelve ten. "Dear Calvin," it said, "I'm writing because this year I've repealed my 'naught / nice' laws. So now, I urge you: be vulgar and crude! I LIKE it when children are boorish and rude! Burp at the table! Gargle your peas! Never say 'Thank you', 'You're welcome', or 'Please'. Talk back to your mother. Do as you're told. Stick your tongue out at your Dad if he scolds! Drive everyone crazy, I really don't care! Act like a jerk, anytime, anywhere! I'm changing the rules! The BAD girld and boys will be, from now on, the ones who get the toys! Good little kids make me sick, it's no joke. Sincerely, signed Santa." ... and then I awoke. I hate being good (or trying to fake it). Six days until Christmas! I don't think I'll make it.
+19921102 Here, Calvin, you got a letter in the mail. I did?? Gosh, I never get mail! I wonder who sent this. There's no return address! In its place there's a crude human skull with X's for eyes and its tongue hanging out. Maybe it's the IRS.
+19921103 Look, Hobbes, I got a mysterious letter! The return address is a skull with X-ed out eyes! It has a local postmark, though. So I must know the person. Oh boy, intrigue! But who would send me an anonymous, weird letter like this? Maybe a GIRL! GAAAA! Doesn't the post office SCREEN anything? I'll get you some gloves!
+19921104 If this is from a girl, we'll have to bury it real deep and disinfect my room. Hurry! Open it! Ugh, what if it's some mushy poem written with a pink pen in loopy letters with the "I"s dotted with hearts?? I think I'd puke. No, it's cut and pasted letters from a magazine! Wow! No handwriting to trace! It says, "Coded message to follow. A-1, B-2, etc. Destroy this letter." Hobbes, we're dealing with a PRO!
+19921105 Can you believe this?? A skull for a return addres, untraceable cut-out letters, and a code key for a future message. This is real secret agent stuff! Whoever sent this is taking no chances on the message being traced or intercepted! Gosh, the message must be super top secret and important! I wonder what it could be! I wonder when I'll find out. It's a good thing you're the patient type. This is so cool I have to go to the bathroom!
+19921106 This is so exciting to get a secret untraceable message in the mail! It said a coded letter would follow! Maybe it will arrive today! I can't wait to get home and see! I wonder what it will say? I wonder who sent it? I wonder why it's in code? I'll bet I grow up to be a spy! I'm so good at figuring out what's going on!
+19921107 I'm home! I'm home! Did I get a letter today?? Yes, it's on the table. Oh boy, Hobbes, this is it! This is the coded message! Quick, let's decipher it! OK, the first number is 3, so that would be "C". Next is 1. So that's "A". This is fun! Hey! This says, "Calvin is a porridge brain!" It's... it's an INSULT! Some people have secret admirers. YOU have a secret detractor!
+19921108 We got some new snow last night! Let's look for animal tracks! Here are some bird tracks. Look, you can see wing impressions where they took off! And these are rabbit tracks. Looks like they were going pretty fast. No wonder! Look at THESE tracks! Something was chasing them all over the place! Hmm... big pads... could be a wolf. But there are no clan impressions. It's more like a bobcat, or a mountain lion, or... or... This explains the cold wet feet in my bed this morning. The snow was falling and I thought, "The birds and the rabbits around here need some exercise."
+19921109 Ooh, this burns me up! A coded message saying "Calvin is a porridge brain!" The nerve! The bizarre skull drawing, the cut and pasted letters, the code... all that suspense and mystery for an insult! What kind of depraved maniac would go to so much trouble?! Rrrghhh, I wish I knew who sent this!! Our only clue is that the twisted fiend has too much time on his hands. Another letter for you, Calvin! How nice to get so much mail.
+19921110 Look, Hobbes, the skull! It's another letter from the secret insulter! More cut and pasted letters! It says, "You look like a baboon and you smell like one too! Ha ha." The mystery deepens. WHO COULD BE SENDING THESE?! A reckless exaggerator. You don't LOOK like a baboon. OH, YOU'RE A BIG HELP!
+19921111 I can't sleep. Who's been sending me these insults? Where will it stop?! Am I going to get an insult in the mail every day for the rest of my life?? The thing that drives me crazy is that there's no way to trace this lunatic! He's thought of everything! He's a mastermind! Hey, who cut up this magazine?
+19921112 Did I get another letter today? Yep! When you write to yourself, you get a lot of mail. I don't write these! What are you talking about? Oh c'mon, Calvin. I know you've been putting these out for the mailman every day. Wait a minute! These are coming from OUR house?? Oh, and I want you to ASK before you cut up my magazines, OK? ALL RIGHT, WHERE'S THAT MISERABLE BUNCH OF STRIPEY ORANGE FLEA BAIT?!?
+19921113 So it was YOU the whole time! YOU'RE the one who's been sending me insults in the mail!! I'll get you for this! You and your sneaky codes and pasted letters and skull drawings! ... although, really, the skull drawings were pretty cool. You can tell a good spy by his ominous logo.
+19921114 You and I are through! I'll teach you to trick me, you big hairball! You just have no sense of humor! I do too! It's just that was a terrible, nasty, awful thing to do, and I'll never forgiv... huh? Heyyyy, you're right! It IS funny! Ha ha ha! ... OK! We're pals again! SUSIE: you smell! Ha ha!
+19921115 AAAAUGHH! Is the water too cold? Um... no, it's fine. Then stop that infernal screaming. Yes, Mom.
+19921116 ... meeting smile after sa-mi-i-ile, in the air there's a fee-heeling of christmassss. NOT THINKING ABOUT IT WON'T MAKE IT GO AWAY, YOU KNOW!
+19921117 Look, Hobbes, I got a paint by numbers kit! It's really fun. But you're not painting in the lines and not using the colors that correspond to the numbers. If I did THAT, I'd get the picture they show on the box! Ah.
+19921118 Well, your haircut is a big improvement. You LIKE what it says on the back of my head? What WHAT says? Didn't the barber shave "I may have a bad haricut, but you're downright ugly" back there? Good heavens, no! OK, CHARLIE, GIMME BACK THAT TIP!
+19921119 These fall mornings sure are pretty. The brisk air, the smell of leaves... all ruined because I have to get on a bus and go to school. When I was a pre-schooler, I never took advantage of fall mornings. I didn't appreciate them. Another squandered youth. Sighhh... I was so young and foolish. I thought those days would last forever.
+19921120 Hello? ... No, my Mom can't come to the phone right now. Sure, I'll be glad to take a message. You write it down, drive it over here, pay me five bucks, and I'll give it to her the next time I see her. He must not have wanted to talk to Mom very bad.
+19921121 I'm growing my fingernails long. Then I'll file them into points, so I'll have claws just like you. Mine are retractable. No retractable claws, no opposable toes, no prehensile tail, no compound eyes, no fangs, no wings... SIGHHH...
+19921122 How unoriginal! How hehune! Stupid kid. If you don't have anything to say, just keep quiet! Well, this is certainly shocking! Face it, kid, provoking a reaction isn't the same thing as saying something significant! Look, pal, there's no point expressing ideas if you can't make them understood! You're just babbling to yourself! And aren't we all bored with the irony byy now?You just THINK you're above it all, kid! I tell you Hobbes, it's tough being the sole guardian of high culture. Talent like ours carries such enormous responsibility.
+19921123 Can I learn to parachute out of an airplane? Why don't you just play "chicken" on the railroad tracks? It would be a cheaper way to toy with death, I'm sure. Mom's so practical.
+19921124 This connect-the-dots book really makes me mad! Look at this. It's a duck. I know! Who wants to draw a duck?! I sure didn't! They MADE me! I've been maninpualted! My natural artistic talent has been used against my will to create some coprorate entity's crude idea of waterfowl! It's outrageous! Another blow to creative integrity. From now on, I'll connect the dots my OWN way.
+19921125 Miss Wormwood, my Dad says when he was in school, they taught him to do math on a slide rule. He says he hasn't used a slide rule since, because he got a five-buck calculator that can do more functions than he could figure out if his life depended on it. Given the pace of technology, I propose we leave math to the machines and go play outside. My bills always die in the subcommittee.
+19921126 How do bank machines work, Dad? Well, let's say you wwant 25 dollars. You punch in the amount... and behind the machine, there's a guy with a printing press who makes the money and sticks it out this slot. Sort of like the huy who lives up in our garage and opens the door? Exactly.
+19921127 Miss Wormwood? Yes, Calvin? You can present the material, but you can't make me care. Rumor has it she's up to two packs a day, unfiltered.
+19921128 I've noticed that comic book superheroes usually fight evil maniacs with grandiose plans to destroy the world. Why don't superheroes go after the more subtle, realistic bad guys? Yeah, the superhero coiuld attend council meetings and write letters to the editor, and stuff. Hmm... I think I see the problem. "Quick! To the bat fax!"
+19921129 UHNGGG. It's the late jurassic. Calvin, the awful allosaur, darts around a giant, unsuspecting diplodocus! Calvin crouches in his hiding place, muscles tensed for the surprise attach! He waits... he waits! AAAAAAAA Sheesh, what's wrong with taking a little break?!
+19921130 UHNGGG. It's the late jurassic. Calvin, the awful allosaur, darts around a giant, unsuspecting diplodocus! Calvin crouches in his hiding place, muscles tensed for the surprise attach! He waits... he waits! AAAAAAAA Sheesh, what's wrong with taking a little break?!
+19921201 For "Show and Tell" today, I don't have anything to show. But I'll TELL you that, when I'm at school, my Mom puts on a patriotic leotard, a cape, and knee-high, high-heeled boots, and she fights crime as a super-heroine. I hope you're duly impressed. Thank you very much. That's the note his teacher sent home with him. Wow, show me that outfit sometime.
+19921202 Do you hate being a girl? It's gotta be better than the alternative. What's it like? Is it like being a bug? Like a WHAT?! I imagine bugs and girls have a dim perception that nature played a cruel trick on them, but they lack the intelligence to really comprehend the magnitude of it. I must've put my finger on it.
+19921203 I'm home! I'm free! The rest of the day is all mine! Finally, some time to myself! Liberty, precious liberty! Ha ha ha!
+19921204 Dad, are you vicariously living through me in the hope that my accomplishments will validate your mediocre life and in some way compensate for all the opportunities you botched? If I were, you can bet I'd be re-evaluating my strategy. Mom, Dad keeps insulting me.
+19921205 I like rocks. Here's a nice one. See how smoothit is? It probably took eons to get like that. It's a sedimentary rock, formed by sediment deposits, as opposed to, say, an igneous rock, which is volcanic in origin. You sure know a lot about rocks. You bet. Ballistic missiles from God, I call 'em.
+19921206 I'm going to paste Susie with a slushball! Heh heh heh! Some philosophers say that TRUE happiness comes from a life of virtue! Someday I'll write my OWN philosophy book. Virtue needs some cheaper thrills.
+19921207 Wake up, get up... Shut up, listen up... Throw up... Mix up, goof up... Hurry up... How's your day? Looking up.
+19921208 Dear Santa, This year, I don't want any gifts. I just want love and peace for my fellow man. Reverse psychology. Kind of risky, don't you think?
+19921209 Dear Santa, Why is your operation in the North Pole? I'm guessing cheap elf labor, lower environmental standards, and tax breaks. Is this really the example you want to set for us impressionable kids? My plan is to put him on the defensive before he considers how good I've been.
+19921210 Dear Santa, Last year I asked for a long-range thermo-nuclear "Smart" missile and a launcher. Instead, I got socks and a shirt. Obviously, you mixed up my order with someone else's. Let's get with the program, huh? Just because he gives the stuff away free, he thinks he can get away with an incompetent organization.
+19921211 Look at this great snowball! I'd sure like to paste someone upside the head with it. ... but I figure each snowball I throw means I'll get one less present from Santa. I wish I knew if Santa was bringing me any underwear.
+19921212 Ski resorts use man-made snow. They have snow-making machines that can cover a whole hillsie. Hint hint. You can rely on the weather like every other kid.
+19921213 You got something in the mail. It looks like a Valentine card. Huh? Open it up! It IS a valentine! Who would send me a valentine? Read it! Read it! "Roses are rd, violets are blue, tu-lips are what we'll be kissing, woo woo! Love, Susie." AAAUGGHH! Ho HO! Muchas smooches for el conKISStador! This can't be happening! It's all a nightmare! Some horrible hallucination! Susie loves Calvin! Calvin loves Susie! I've got to pull myself together! What can I DO? My natural studliness has overwhelmed Susie's fragile grip on reality! Big, sloppy smackers! Smmmrppp! Hey, there's Susie now! She's coming this way! Oh NO! Quick! A slushball! I need a slushball! Hi Cal... OOMP!! THAT'S what I think of your mushy Valentine card! POW! I didn't send you a Valentine card, you smelly, snot-nosed troll! Why on earth would I send a valentine to YOU?? You didn't? But... but... I'm telling! ... then who...?? Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match... YOU!! You write that card! You tricked me!! Wheeeeee! Love makes the world go round! You're gonna see STARS go round, I promise!
+19921214 Oh look, yet another Christmas TV special! How touching to have the meaning of Christmas brought to us by cola, fast food and beer conglomerates. Who'd have ever guessed product consumption, popular entertainment, and spirituality would mix so harmoniously. It's a beautiful world, all right. Dad doesn't handle the season's stress very gracefully.
+19921215 Dad, I'd like to have a little talk. Um, OK... As the wage earner here, it's your responsibiliy to show some consumer confidence and start buying things that will get the economy going and create profits and employment. Here's a list of big-ticket items I'd like for Christmas. I hope I can trust you to do what's right for our country. I've got to stop leaving the Wall Street Journal around.
+19921216 RRRRGGHHH. I say, if a novelty Christmas song is funny the first time, it's funny EVERY time.
+19921217 I'm having a lot of holiday stress. Why? You don't shop for anyone, you've got two weeks off from school, and your parents do all the cooking, cleaning and decorating! How could you have holiday stress? Deep down, I doubt my greed for presents can overcome my desire to misbehave.
+19921218 OK Hobbes, I've got a plan. Yeah? If I do ten spontaneous acts of good will a day from now until Christmas, Santa will have to be lenient in judging the rest of this last year! I can claim I've turned a new leaf! Ten spontaneous acts of good will a day? That's pretty many. Don't remind me. Well, here's your chance. Susie's coming this way. Maybe I'll start tomorrow and do 20 a day.
+19921219 Oh man, Susie's right in range! It's a clear shot! I can't miss! I thought you were going to do ten spontaneous acts of good will a day. It's not even noon. I'll do 'em after lunch. Look, doing ten good acts isn't going to impress Santa if you do BAD things all morning! Suppose I just graze her jaw and knock some fillings loose. That would be in the gray area, don't you think? Don't expect to play with all MY presents when you don't get any.
+19921220 My hands were all shaky, my face had gone pale. A letter from Santa just arrived in the mail! It was hand-written in old-fashioned ink pen. It was handsomely printed and dated twelve ten. "Dear Calvin," it said, "I'm writing because this year I've repealed my 'naught / nice' laws. So now, I urge you: be vulgar and crude! I LIKE it when children are boorish and rude! Burp at the table! Gargle your peas! Never say 'Thank you', 'You're welcome', or 'Please'. Talk back to your mother. Do as you're told. Stick your tongue out at your Dad if he scolds! Drive everyone crazy, I really don't care! Act like a jerk, anytime, anywhere! I'm changing the rules! The BAD girld and boys will be, from now on, the ones who get the toys! Good little kids make me sick, it's no joke. Sincerely, signed Santa." ... and then I awoke. I hate being good (or trying to fake it). Six days until Christmas! I don't think I'll make it.
+19921221 SMACK YES! I'M SORRY! Not as sorry as you're GOING to be! I think as long as you SUFFER for your sins, they don't count. It's your only hope.
+19921222 Here! It's a comic book! It's MY comic book. But you can read it. Just make sure your hands are clean and acid-free, and only touch the mylar bag, and use these sterilized tongs to turn the pages, and try not to exhale too much moisture, OK?! Don't mess it up! THERE! That's one spontaneous act of good will! I hope you're satisfied. Santa! Darn you!! I think spontaneous acts of good will should be less reluctant. RELUCTANT ONES QUALIFY!!
+19921223 Mush hullp smack ullkk... Mom, I'm guessing this is boiled guano on raw maggots, but I'm (orrg) choling it down as best as my cramping stomach allows. This is another spontaneous act of good will, Santa! You'd better come through in SPADES for this!! More maggots? SURE! PILE 'EM ON!
+19921224 One more day of being good! This has been the longest week of my entire life. HEY! I'll bet Santa's loading up the sleigh right now! He's got millions of deliveries, right? He couldn't possible still be deciding how good I am! If his decision is made, I don't have to impress him any more! I'm free! The charade is over! I can do what I want! Maybe he's loading your stuff last, just to see what you do. You think? Well, maybe. Geez, he's a tough ol' geezer! Well, what's one more day? ...sigh...
+19921225 It's a certificate entitling the bearer to one day pounce-free of tiger attacks! Wow! Thanks, ol' buddy! You always think of the best gifts! I still think this could've waited until sunrise. Shh, take a picture.
+19921226 The snow isn't deep enough for sledding. And it's not wet enough to pack, either. Sighhhh. Fortunately, I'm the stoic type. You're an inspiration to us all.
+19921227 Are you making any resolutions for the new year? Nope! I want everything to stay the same as it was this year. Everything? Right. This year was lousy, but at least it's familiar. I hate change! It's too disruptive! When things are difference, you have to think about the change and deal with it! I like things to stay the same, so I can take everything for granted! Besides, things keep changing for the WORSE! The longer I live, the more complicated everything gets! I say let's stop here before life gets any harder! From now on, no more change! I'm bored. Let's do something different. SOME things don't change.
+19921228 You know, it's amazing how many things can be taken apart with just one ordinary screwdriver! Such as? Well, just for starters, there's... that is, hypothetically, I mean... not that I'd know for a fact, of course... just in theory, I imagine that maybe... um, well, gosh, it's hard to say. I've GOT to stop introducing topics of conversation.
+19921229 You know what the problem is with the universe? Um... There's no toll-free customer service hot line for complaints! That's why things don't get fixed! If the universe had any decent management, we'd get a full refund if we weren't completely satisfied! But the place is free! See, that's another thing. They should have a cover charge and keep out the riffraff.
+19921230 Do you need nails pounded into anything? Name the surface, and I'll fill it full of nails! Um, no... You sure? I've got the tools right here! Lots of nail sizes! I'd be happy to do it! No thanks, not today. OK, well, let me know when you cange your mind. Mm-hmm. Mom wanted a girl. I just know it. Did she want anything sawed?
+19921231 People always seem so crabby and animals always seem so content. I wonder why that is. It's probably because animals know they're superior and people know they're inferior. I figured it was because animals get 15 hours of sleep every day. Actually, I think animals are just as crabby as people are.
+19930101 Wow, look at the snow coming down! The roads are a mess! I hope Dad makes it home OK. Face it, Dad. The season's over. Are you kidding? In this stuff, I reach my optimal heart rate in no time!
+19930102 I've decided to stop caring about things. If you care, you just get disappointed all the time. If you DON'T care, nothing matters, so you're never upset. From now on, my rallying cry is, "SO WHAT?!" That's a tough cry to rally around. So what?!
+19930103 YA-A! WHOK. UHN-GG. There were two ways to resolve our differences. I ruled out a thoughtful discussion. Foolish Amazon! I am only toying with you! YEAH?? Well, toy with THIS!! The hyper-phase distortion blaster? I could feel my spine shatter. It hurt... BUDDOW. ...a lot. Next ISH --- "Injuries to go" ...hehh hah hooh... hahh heh hmh Click. No you don't. There's too much violence on TV. Why don't you go read something?
+19930104 I'm not getting up until it's as warm out there as it is in here.
+19930105 I don't want to go to school. I don't want to know anything new. I already know more than I want to! I liked things better when I didn't understand them! The fact is, I'm being educated against my will! My rights are being trampled! Is it a right to remain ignorant? I don't know, but I refuse to find out!
+19930106 It would sure be a big surprise if the school bus spontaneously exploded and I didn't have to go to school! Yeah, I'd sure be surprised if THAT happened! Life is full of surprises, but never when you need one.
+19930107 I'M HO-OME! Hello?? Thanks for the big welcome! You're letting in cold air.
+19930108 Problems often look overwhelming at first. The secret is to break problems into small, manageable chunks. If you deal with THOSE, you're done before you know it. For example, I'm supposed to read this entire history chapter. It looks impossible, so I break the problem down. You focus on reading the first section? I ask myself, "Do I even care?"
+19930109 Watcha doin'? I'm killing time while I wait for life to shower me with meaning and happiness. I hope you're comfy. You could get me something to eat.
+19930110 I'M HO-OME! Click. OOMF! SEE? SEE?! That's what he does when I come home!! He thinks YOU tossed ME in the air?! Why, I've never been so insulted in my life! I need to get a video camera.
+19930111 This snowman doesn't look very happy. He's not. He knows it's just a matter of time before he melts. The sun, ignores his entreaties. He feels his existence is meaningless. Is it? Nope. He's about to buy a big screen TV.
+19930112 Home, sweet home.
+19930113 For the townsfolk below, the day began like any other day.
+19930114 What's wrong with your snowman? It's a snow WOMAN. I don't care. We're not having an anatomically correct snowman in the front yard.
+19930115 I hate trudging up these hills. I didn't come out here to WORK! I came out here to ride and have FUN! Well, you can't ride the sled if you don't climb the hills. I could if you pulled me up. He's so lazy and selfish.
+19930116 Ha ha! I'd sure like to see Mom make me come inside NOW! With this fort and arsenal of 200 snowballs, NOBODY can tell ME what to do! I can stay out here all day! At last, I'm the master of my fate! I'll stay outside as long as I please! Back inside so soon? It's too cold out.
+19930117 Blecchhh. "TO BE?? ...or... NOT to be? *sighhh* That is the question. Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to SUFFER the SLIGNS and ARROWS of outrageous fortune... ...or to take ARMS against a sea of troubles... and by opposing, END them? To die: to sleep: no more! And by a sleep to say we END the heartache and the thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to... *sniff* 'tis a consummation devoutly to be wished! To die, to sleep! To sleep perchance to DREAM: Ay, THERE'S the rub! ... for in that sleep of death, what dreams may come when we have shuffled off this mortal coil must give us pause." Blink blink. FEEHEELINGGS wo wo wo. You finished that right up! Did you like it? Let's not have this ever again.
+19930118 Eggplant Casserole tonight? Why, yes!
+19930119 All that fur must be strictly ornamental.
+19930120 NICE TRYYY!
+19930121 Nothing I do is my fault. My family is dysfunctional, and my parents won't empower me! Consequently, I'm not self-actualized! My behaviour is addictive functioning in a disease process of codependency! I need holistic healing and wellness before I accept any responsibility for my actions! One of us needs to stick his head in a bucket of ice water. I love the culture of victimhood.
+19930122 Why is this snowman looking at a snowball? He's contemplating snowman evolution. Obviously, if he evolved from a snowball, it raises tough theological questions for him. Like the morality of throwing someone's precursors at someone? Sure. And what about shoveling one's genetic material off the walk?
+19930123 It's that moment of dawning comprehension I live for.
+19930124 Look at this! Some idiot dumped trash out here! People seem to forget that others of us have to live on this planet too. You know, I don't understand why humans evolved as such thoughtless, shortsighted creatures. Well, it can't stay that way forever. You think we'll get smarter. That's one of the two possibilities. Maybe we'll stop polluting before it's too late. We're all holding our breath.
+19930125 I like to verb words. What? I take nouns and adjectives and use them as verbs. Remember when "access" was a thing? Now it's something you DO. It got verbed. Verbing weirds language. Maybe we can eventually make language a complete impediment to understanding.
+19930126 Wow, chocolate chip cookie batter! I love it before it's cooked! Can I have some? Please, please? Now, it's got raw eggs in it and you could get salmonella poisoning. One more nostalgic part of childhood goes THBPPTH.
+19930127 Where are my glasses? I thought they were right here. Hmm... I put them down... I went to get my book... I told Calvin to shovel the walk... Where could they be??
+19930128 The secret to making great hot chocolate is to put the tiny marshmallows in FIRST. So they melt faster? No. So you can fit in 40 or 50 of them. This way, the hot chocolate just fills the cracks. I wondered why you eat it with a fork. Also, I don't use milk. I just heat the syrup.,
+19930129 What are you doing? Don't wear your boots through the house! Considering where my SHOES have been, I thought she'd be happy.
+19930130 If you do a job badly enough, sometimes you don't get asked to do it again.
+19930131 Any good mail today? Mm... not really. Here's a "You're not covering the cost of all these mailings" charity request. You've got a "You're not attractive enough" women's magazine with an article on swimsuits that minimize all your body flaws. Here are some "You're not stylish or ostentatious enough" catalogs... and coincidentally, an invitation to go deeper in debt from a credit card company. And here's our news magazine to identify the trend of the week we're missing... and I got a hobby magazine featuring new equipment I ought to have. Yikes. ...Why do I get the feeling that society is trying to make us discontented with everything we do and insecure about who we are? I suppose if people thought about real issues and needs instead of manufactured desires, the economy would collaps and we'd have total anarchy. So pitching this junk would make me some kind of terrorist, huh? Yep. It's our patriotic duty to buy distractions from a simple life. Hey Mom, I saw a bunch of products on TV that I didn't know existed, but I desperately need!
+19930201 1. Write a paragraph explaining the significance of Magellan's expedition. A gas mask, a smoke grenade, and a helicopter... that's all I ask.
+19930202 Calvin, don't just throw your wet coat on the floor! Hang it up where it belongs! I'm not looking for extra work around here. Oh, like I am.
+19930203 I'm gonna pound you at recess, Twinky. Oh yeah? Well, you'll have to catch me first! When your strategy is to run like a squirrel, it's hard to come up with a good taunt.
+19930204 Today for Show and Tell, I've brought a tiny marvel of nature: a single snowflake. I think we might all learn a lesson from how this utterly unique and exquisite crystal... turns into an ordinary, boring molecule of water, just like every other one, when you bring it in the classroom. And now, while the analogy sinks in, I'll be leaving you drips and going outside. CALVIN!
+19930205 Look at this sandwich my Mom made! I'm not eating this wretched thing! Why, this squid isn't even fresh! Smell it! Look how rubbery it is! And the inky brine has soaked the bread! The pickles are pulp! Gross! Wanna trade! Nobody will trade with a kid whose Mom makes a bad sandwich.
+19930206 You know what astronauts can do right in their spacesuits? Geez, how am I ever going to learn to be an astronaut?
+19930207 Stranded on a distant planet, the fearless Spaceman Spiff has been captured by a horrible Yukbarf! So the earthling villain won't cooperate, eh? We'll see about that! Take him to the dungeon! Yes, your most supreme odoriferousness! You don't scare ME, you talking blobs of oozing slop! I am impervious to pain! Hey, what kind of dungeon is this?! Aren't you going to torture me? Oh yes! Have a seat and let's see how you withstand a calm discussion of wholesome principles! AAAUGH. Yes. life is tough and suffering builds character. Nothing worth having ever comes easy. Virtue is its own reward and when I was your age...
+19930208 Oh lovely snowball, packed with care, smack a head that's unaware! Then with freezing ice to spare, melt and soak through underwear! Fly straight and true, hit hard and square! This, oh snowball, is my prayer. I only throw consecrated snowballs.
+19930209 What are you doing? I'm throwing people off my trail with deceptive footprints. See everyone will think these tracks were made by a one-legged kid going THAT way, and they'll be completely wrong! Who exactly is on your trail? Look, it doesn't hurt to take precautions.
+19930210 Nobody can make me go inside! I've got 200 snowballs that say I'm staying OUT! No one's gonna make ME come in the house! DOESN'T ANYBODY MISS ME?!?
+19930211 I used to hate writing assignments, but now I enjoy them. I realized that the purpose of writing is to inflate weak ideas, obscure poor reasoning and inhibit clarity. With a little practice, writing can be an intimidating and impenetrable fog! Want to see my book report? "The Dynamics of Interbeing and Monological Imperatives in Dick and Jane: A Study in Psychic Transrelational Gender Modes." Academia, here I come!
+19930212 Here we are, high on Rigor Mortis Ridge, steeling ourselves for the terrifying descent into Grim Reaper Gorge! Why do we risk life and limb in a vertical free fall, when we could be safe at home by the fire? Because it is man's indominable nature to scare himself silly for no good reason! If you make it home to the fire, you can tell me how it was. See? This is why there were never any great animal explorers!
+19930213 SMACK! AH HA HA HA! That was hilarious! Ha ha ha! POW! A joke is never as funny the second time you hear it.
+19930214 140 million years ago, the incredible 'ultrasaurs' wander over the earth! Some weigh over 70 tons, and even the vicious allosaurs are no match for these giants! But wait! A distant rumbling sends the ultrasaurs into a panicked stampede! Is it a volcano? Is it an earthquake? No! It's... it's a Calvinosaurus! Named after the renowned archeologist who discovered it, the huge calvinosaur can eat an ultrasaur in a single bit! Phooey! I never find ANYthing. It looks like you've hit the sewer pipe.
+19930215 I should be doing my homework now. But the way I look at it, playing in the snow is a lotm ore important. Out here I'm learning real skills that I can apply throughout the rest of my life. Such as? Procrastinating and rationalizing.
+19930216 Look at that! An angel. It must be a FALLEN angel! Generally they burn up in the atmosphere, but this one apparently vaporized on impact, leaving this angel-shaped crater in the snow! There are more over there. God must've been punting angels left and right. Strange that there would be so many in Susie's front yard. I'll bet they're all related to her.
+19930217 I'm making a monumental, heroic snow sculpture. It will be called "The Triumph of Perseverence." Very inspiring. What will it look like? This. You're through? I'm bored.
+19930218 It's like shooting fish in a barrel.
+19930219 Look at this! This is the biggest snowball in the world! Ha ha! I can't wait to plaster somebody with it! How are you going to pick it up? Reality continues to ruin my life. Maybe you could put it someplace where someone will walk into it.
+19930220 I'm not going to do this homework! C'mon, let's go outside! Nobody gives the evil eye like your Dad. Did you see how his veins throbbed?
+19930221 I can never enjoy sundays, because in the back of my mind, I always know I've got to go to school the next day. It's like trying to enjoy your last meal before the execution. A penny for your thoughts. Sorry, MY thoughts are a buck a piece. A DOLLAR?! That's outrageous. Your thoughts aren't worth that! This one is. At a dollar, it's the bargain of a lifetime. I wouldn't pay a nickle for any thought you've ever had in your whole flea-ridden existence! That little remary just made the price ten dollars! TEN?? You can't extort me! Keep your stupid though! If you knew what it was, you'd BEG to pay ten bucks for it. C'mon, just tell me what it is, will you? Nothing doing, pal. OK, OK. I'll give you 25 cents. That's all I have. Let's see it. Here! 25 cent! Now what's this big, expensive thought of yours?! A fool and his money are soon par..."
+19930222 What's in the big bag? Nothing YOU need to know about. C'mon, tell me! Well, let's just say it's something that might come in handy today. Why? What happens today? We've got a history test, remember? So what did you bring? A bomb? Wouldn't you and the Principal BOTH like to know!
+19930223 Why won't you tell me what's in that bag? It's a severed head. It is NOT! Don't be disgusting! Fine. Don't believe me. You said it would come in handy during today's test. The head is an oracle. I'll put it on my desk and it will tell me answers. Forget I asked! I don't even care! SOOOOSIE IS A BOOGER BRAAINN! It speaks the truth!
+19930224 Here are your tests. You may begin. Can I get something from my locker? What do you need? I can't tell you. Then sit and do your test. You're spoiling a great surprise for the class! It would be a great surprise for ME if you'd just get to work.
+19930225 Cough cough cough. Can I get a drink of water? OK, but hurry up. THIS is a job for...
+19930226 To avoid detection while changing identities, mild-mannered Calvin leaps into his locker! There he makes the stupendous transformation into... STUPENDOUS MANNN! Da ta da tum tum da ta da tum tum. Gosh, it's dark in here. Where's that darn handle?
+19930227 BANG BANG BANG. I can't get out! Hmm... this is a REAL job for Stupendous Man! Bang bang bang bang bang. Heck, this may even be a job for the custodian.
+19930228 Here comes somebody! This meeting of the top secret club G.R.O.S.S. (Get Rid Of Slimy girlS) will come to order. Today this august assembly will decide whether to demote President Hobbes on charges of heresy! HERESY?! Let the record show that the defendent made an UNdisparaging comment about the possible membership of Susie Derkins, an admitted girl and enemy of this club. Let the record ALSO show that Supreme Dictator-for-Life Calvin is a nincompoop. OK, just for that, you're also charged with insubordination! This court finds you guilty on both counts and strips you of your title! Ha! As court stenographer, I refuse to enter the verdict! In fact, I'm PROMOTING myself to "El Tigre Numero Uno"! Oh yeah?! Well then, I promote MYself to "Most highest grandest exalted, um, supreme, uh..." There! I wrote "Hobbes equals great" in the official club notebook! Now it's a law! IT IS NOT! GIMME THAT! Ha ha ha! I'M writing "Hobbes equals ugly fur ball"! What do you think of THAT? Oh ho! I take the supreme dictator hat! Now I'M the supreme dictator! You give that back! I declare you null and void! Truce? Truce. What a great club. Too bad we don't have more members. Maybe we should allow Susie to join.
+19930301 Where's Calvin? Didn't he come back from the drinking fountain? I'll bet he's at his locker, Miss Wormwood. He brought something secret in a paper bag today that he said would help him on the test. Five years until retirement. Five years until retirement. STUPENDOUS MAN's stupendous powers are of no avail in this cunning trap! Zounds! It's STUPENDOUS MAN's fiendish nemesis, the crab teacher, coming to finish him off! Calvin?
+19930302 Let's see if Calvin got whatever was in his locker. With stupendous muscles of magnitude, Stupendous Man breaks free!! What on earth?! S.. for Stupendous! T... for Tiger, ferocity of! U.. for Underwear, red! P.. for Power, incredible! E... for Excellent physique! N... for ...um... something... hm, well, I'll come back to that... D... for Determination! U... for... wait, how do you spell this? Is it "I"?? It's not enough that we have to be disciplinarians. Now we need to be psychologists. Your nefarious scheme will never succeed!
+19930303 Stupendous Man escapes! A crimson bold bursts through the air! Calvin, come back here! Now it's off to apply my stupendous powers of concentration to the history test of my alter ego, mild-mannered Calvin! TA-DAA! Have no fear, boys and girls! I'm Stupendous Man, champion of liberty and justice! Try to restrain yourselves, girls! I'm just here to do Calvin's test. He lives on YOUR street, doesn't he? I hardly even KNOW him, Candance!
+19930304 Stupendous Man's stupendous knowledge lets him complete the test with stupendous speed! 1492! The battle of Lexington! Trotsky! The cotton gin! Another triumph for virtue and right! And now, with a whoosh, Stupendous Man is off into the sky! So long, kids! Always brush your teeth! Kapwinggg! Class, did Calvin come in here?! Has anyone seen him? Here I am, Miss Wormwood! Boy, was I thirsty!
+19930305 AAAUGHH! Let go! Let go! You've got the wrong guy! I'm Calvin! I didn't do anything wrong! BONK CRASH. I just got a drink of water! You SAID I could! Stupendous Man is the one you want! I'm not him! Help! Help! SCRAPE DRAG. Class, YOU saw Stupendous Man! Tell Miss Wormwood! ARRGGH! Help! I've been falsely accused! CRUNCH CLUNK. When Mom asks me how my day at school was, I always just say, "Fine," and change the subject. NO! NO!
+19930306 So the teacher told Mom and Mom hit the roof and took away my costume. Yikes. Um... has Stupendous Man EVER won a battle? Well, they're all MORAL victories. One can't be picky. Oh, and I flunked the test, too.
+19930307 Sssss ssssss. If there's more to life than this, I don't know what it is.
+19930308 They're snowmen prophets of doom. You certainly take the pleasure out of waiting for daffodils.
+19930309 ATCHOOO! Uh oh. I'm leaking brain lubricant.
+19930310 Look, Hobbes. There's a quiz in my new issue of Chewing magazine. "Does your gum deliver? 10 questions show what you could be missing!" Let's see how my gum does. "1. How hard is your gum at the beginning? A) Rock-like or brittle B) Pleasantly firm C) Squishy or bendy." Hmm... my gum is pretty hard at first. I'll mark "A". Gosh, I've got a negative five points already! I'm not getting all the performance I'm entitled to! I wonder what people knew before there were magazine quizzes.
+19930311 OK, you've all read the chapter, so let's review. Calvin, where was the Byzantine Empire? I'll take "Outer Planets" for $100.
+19930312 MOM! WAKE UP! COME QUICK! What's wrong? What's the matter? Do you think love is nothing but a biochemical reaction designed to make sure our genes get passed on? Whatever it is, it's all that's keeping me from strangling you right now. Mom's midnight assurances are never very reassuring.
+19930313 When you're a kid, you don't have much variety of experience. You live with your parents and that's all you know. You grow up thinking whatever they do is "normal". Ahh, what a day! Up at 6:00, a 10-mile run in the sleet, and NOW a big bowl of plain oatmeal! How I love the crazy hedonism of weekends! Well, maybe "normal" is too strong a word. I think we'd know normal if we saw it.
+19930314 Get up, Calvin! I'm not going to call you again! I bet. You're going to miss the bus! Now get out of bed! You don't know the answer? Then sit down. Hey, Twinky, want to see if there's an afterlife? No, you can't go play until you finish your homework. Just eat your food. You don't need to play with it. Stop stalling and get into the bathtub. No, you can't stay up a little longer. Go to bed. Have a good night's sleep. Tomorrow's another big! ... sighhhhhhh...
+19930315 Rrgggh... 125... Oof. Rrrggh... 5,200! Exercise is a lot more gratifying if you count what it FEELS like.
+19930316 I don't want to get up. I don't want to get dressed. I don't want to wait for the bus. I don't want to go to school. I don't want to listen to the teacher. I don't want to study. I don't want any tests. I don't want any homework. How was your day? It pitched a perfect no-hitter.
+19930317 You know, ther emust be thousands of animal species, and of ALL of them, only humans wear clothes. Isn't that weird? I wonder why other animals don't wear clothes. If our naked pink butts showed, we probably would. Our butts are just fine!
+19930318 I'm going outside. Are you done with your homework? Yes. You read the whole chapter? Let's just leave it that I'm done. Back to your room, buster.
+19930319 I'll bet SOME kids walk around corners without even thinking about it. That was a rotten trick.
+19930320 Gravity must pull especially hard on tigers. That's an impression we like to cultivate.
+19930321 Three... two... one... LIGHT SPEED! Blasting across the galaxy in hyper light drive, it's Spaceman Spiff, interplanetary explorer extraordin... Since Calvin seems to be enjoying the lesson, let's have him demonstrate the next problem. ZOONDS! A Zok death sloop appears out of nowhere and fries Spiff's stabilizers! Our hero hurls out of control towar his imminent doom! The situation is desperate! This could be the end! What can our hero do?? His mind racing furiously, Spiff springs into action! He downshifts his spacecraft and ... stalls. RINGG! Oh, darn, out of time. Once again Spaceman Spiff beats all odds to save the day!
+19930322 Look at these TV commercials. Each one is a jumble of lightning quick, unrelated images and film techniques. It duplicates the effect of rapidly flipping through channels. It's a barrage of non-linear free association. I guess they're admitting that a 15-second commercial exceeds the American attention span by a good 14 seconds. Huh? Are you still talking about that?
+19930323 Scientific names? Sure. Scientists come up with great, wild theories, but then they give them dull, unimaginative names. For example, scientists think space is full of mysterious, invisible mass, so what do they call it? "DARK matter"! Duhh! I tell you, there's a fortune to be made here! I like to say "quark"! Quark, quark, quark, quark! Instead of making an idiot of yourself, why don't you go find me some scientists?
+19930324 Miss Wormwood, I protest this "C" grade! That's saying I only did an "average" job! I got 75% of the answers correct, and in today's society, doing something 75% right is outstanding! If government and industry were 75% competent, we'd be ecstatic! I won't stand for this artificial standard of performance! I demand an "A" for this kind of work! I think it's really gross how she drings Mallox straight from the bottle.
+19930325 History will thank me for keeping this journal at such a young age. As one of those rare individuals destined for true greatness, this record of my thoughts and convictions will provide invaluable insight into budding genius. Think of it! A priceless historical document in the making! Wow! ... so who ELSE should I add to my list of total jerks? Who else do you even know?
+19930326 Wait, Dad! I've got a great idea! Don't shave next to your mouth, OK? Let the whiskers grow about a foot long and then wax 'em so they stick straight out! Then you'll look like a big cat! Dad didn't think the firm would go for it. Preposterous!
+19930327 "Tiger! Tiger! Burning bright, in the forests of the night." Blake wrote that. Apparently the tiger was on fire. Maybe his tail got struck by lightning or something. Flammable felines -- what a weird subject for poetry. That is why I try to sleep through most of the day.
+19930328 Whenever I need to do some serious thinking, I go for a walk in the woods. There are always a million distractions out here. I don't believe in ethics any more. As far as I'm concerned, the ends justify the means. Get what you can while the getting's good - that's what I say! Might makes right! The winners write the history books! It's a dog-eat-dog world, so I'll do whatever I have to, and let others argue about whether it's "right"or not. HEYY! WHY'D YOU DO THAT?!? You were in my way. Now you're not. The ends justify the means. I didn't mean for EVERYONE, you dolt! Just ME! Ahh...
+19930329 BORRRING. Yeah, yeah... Kill the messenger.
+19930330 Hello, county library? Reference desk, please. Thank you. Hello? Yes, I need a book on painting theory and technique. Specifically, I'm interested in graffiti. Is there a book that explains the proper use of materials and lists popular dirty words and slogans? What on earth do they spend their money on over there?
+19930331 Calvin: Memoirs of a Six-Year-Old. My life has been a fascinating series of amazing exploits, about which I have many profound insights. But frankly, none of it is any of your darn business, so butt out! The end. Do publishers demand that manuscripts be typed? I wouldn't sweat it.
+19930401 AAUGH! The peanut butter is ruined! You're supposed to scoop one half straight down and then dig out the other side from the bottom, so part of the top remains undisturbed until the very end! What on earth for? It's a ritual! You have to keep the top of the peanut butter smooth! Maybe you should make your own sandwiches. If you can't control your peanut butter, you can't expect to control your life. Did you cut the bread diagonally?
+19930402 AAAUGH! AAUGHH! Something's crawling down my left! Get it out! ... oh, it's just a couple of pennies. I've got a hole in my pocket. *Whew* You never know when some crazed rodent with cold feet might be running lose in your pants. Another reason not to wear 'em.
+19930403 Do you think babies are born sinful? That they come into the world as sinners? No, I think they're just quick studies. Whenever you discuss certain things with animals, you get insulted.
+19930404 Z Z. Boy, rough life, huh? What have YOU done today?! People!
+19930405 The TV listings say this movie has "adult situations". What are adult situations? Probably things like going to work, paying bills and taxes, taking responsibilities... Wow! They don't kid around when they say "For mature audiences." I've never understood how those movies make any money.
+19930406 BANG WHANG CLANG ZANG PANG BLANG. WILL YOU STOP THAT AWFUL RACKET?! YOU'RE DRIVING ME CRAZY! ... and a check mark for Tuesday!
+19930407 Miss Wormwood? Yes, Calvin? My generation doesn't absorb information this way. Could you reduce everything to factoids? Turn to page 21, class. At least televisions understand us.
+19930408 I hate it when it's this windy. You know what I hate? I hate when I'm talking and someone turns the conversation to himself! It's so rude! Why do they think I'm talking?! It's so they can hear about ME! Who cares what THEY have to say! If I start a conversation, it should stay on the subject of ME! I also hate it when people look at me all bug-eyed. That must happen a lot.
+19930409 How many boards would the Mongols hoard, if the Mongol hordes got bored?
+19930410 No sense putting it off. It's time for spring cleaning. Good for you. What about the HOUSE? What ABOUT the house?
+19930411 I'M HOME! YAHHHH SLAM! What a chump! KNOCK KNOCK Forget it, you moron! I'm not opening the door! You can just stay out there all night! Oh, I can't WAIT to here THIS one explained.
+19930412 It's a funny world, Hobbes. True. But it's not a hilarious world. ...unless you like sick humor. The world is probably funnier to people who don't live here.
+19930413 Oh good, a true or false test! At last, some clarity! Every sentence is either pure, sweet truth or a vile, contemptible lie! One or the other! Nothing in between!
+19930414 I'm at peace with the world. I'm completely serene. Why is that? I've discovered my purpose in life. I know why I was put here and why everything exists. Oh really? Yes, I am here so everybody can do what I want. It's nice to have that cleared up. Once everyone accepts it, they'll be serene too.
+19930415 Ahh, spring! I say let's move on to summer.
+19930416 I thrive on change. YOU?! You threw a fit this morning because your Mom put less jelly on your toast than yesterday! I thrive on making OTHER people change.
+19930417 Eww, mud. Look at this gooshy, dirty, slimy, thick wet muck. Blecchh. Talk about a kid magnet.
+19930418 True friends are hard to come by. I need more money. I wish people were more like animals. Animals don't try to change you or make you fit in. They just enjoy the pleasure of your company. Animals aren't conditional about friendships. Animals like you just the way you are. They listen to your problems, they comfort you when you're sad, and all they ask in return is a little kindness. WHOOONK! *SOB* It's so... so TRUE! HOOOOT! THBPBTPTH! ... and speaking of "a little kindness", I'd have a tuna fish sandwich any time soon that you happen to make one. Of course, SOME animals get on your nerves once in a while.
+19930419 Susie, I think it's only fair to tell you that there is absolutely no way I would even CONSIDER asking you to the senior prom. That's eleven YEARS from now! I figure that might give you enough time to find somebody who will. If I'd known her longer, I could've given her more notice.
+19930420 Z. I think tigers are actually classified as liquids. Har har.
+19930421 "F"?! It seems to me that if I'm not learning this material, you must not be a very good teacher! Wogga muk gubba pum wup! Boo! Gop! What??
+19930422 Is this milk spoiled? Smell it and see. I'M not going to smell it! YOU smell it! Oh, for goodness' sake. Here... it's fine. I don't take chances with a product that prints the date you might expire.
+19930423 Curiosity is the essence of the scientific mind. For example, you know how milk comes out your nose if you laugh while drinking? Well, I'm going to see what happens when I inhale milk INTO my nose and laugh! Idiocy is the essence of the male mind. I'm guessing it will shoot out my ears. Don't you want to see??
+19930424 I think I'll count all the rocks I can find. 400 trillion and three, 400 trillion and four, 400 trillion and five...Wow, I bored myself awake.
+19930425 Mild-mannered Calvin is stuck inside doing math problems on a beautiful Sunday. No one is watching! He dashes into his closet! THIS is a job for .... STUPENDOUS MAN! Defender of freedom! Advocate of liberty! A bright crimson streak blasts up through the atmosphere and then turns back toward Earth! Gaining stupendous momentum, STUPENDOUS MAN strikes the ground at an acute angle with stupendous force! The Earth slowly stops rotating... and begins to turn in the opposite direction! Pushing with all his might, STUPENDOUS MAN turns the planet all the way around backwards! The sun sets in the east and rises in the west! Soon it's 10A.M. the previous day! What are you doing outside? Did you finish your homework already? It's Saturday! I don't need to do it until tomorrow... thanks to STUPENDOUS MAN!
+19930426 Want to help me make a poster? Sure. What's it for? It's a school contest. We're supposed to do traffic safety posters. The winner gets five bucks! Wow! Think of it! We'll be rich! And then there's the fame and glory! I tell you, this could be our ticket out of this two-bit dump! Sounds good. What's our winning poster going to say? That's where YOU come in.
+19930427 Our traffic safety poster needs a catchy slogan that promotes awareness and caution. Any ideas? How about, "Don't look into car headlights and freeze, because you'll either get run over or shot!" I'll check the statistics, but I don't think that happens to many people. There's more to this world than just people, you know.
+19930428 Hey Dad, I'm doing a traffic safety poster. Do you have any ideas for a slogan? Sure! "Cyclists have a right to the road too, you noisy, polluting, inconsiderate maniacs! I hope gas goes up to eight bucks a gallon!" Thanks, Dad. I'll go ask Mom. Why? That's a GREAT slogan!
+19930429 Mom suggested the slogan, "Before you cross, look each way... and you'll get home safe each day." That's kind of catchy. Yeah, but I like MY idea better. "Be careful, or be roadkill!" I suppose that lends itself more to your particular brand of illustration. I hope I have enough cadmium red.
+19930430 With my great slogan and your great artwork, this traffic safety poster is a shoe-in for first prize! A solid foundation of anatomical study is essential for the artist. What should we spend the prize money on? Of course, technical skill alone isn't enough. A picture needs depth of feeling. I think I'll blog it all on jaw breakers and comic books. I'll draw some stars to show pain and human suffering. When you've got talent like ours, the world is your oyster.
+19930501 There! Finished! Hey, that's terrific! When we win first prize, I'll give you 25% of the winnings. WHAT?! I did all the drawing! YOU should get 25% But it was MY great idea! We'll split 60-40. 50-50. Oh, all right, BE selfish! A good compromise leaves everybody mad.
+19930502 ATCHOO! Booger balls are illegal! Whap! First base! Fifth! Ninth! Puff puff ELEVENTH! puff TWENTY-FIFTH! Calvin's going for home! Too late! You're out! I think we need to change the rules. Oh, you want to play the sissy way now, I bet.
+19930503 Hi Calvin. I see you wasted your time drawing a safety poster for the school contest. I didn't waste my time! Sure you did. The winning entry is right here. The prize is as good as mine. "Be careful or be roadkill!" That's really disgusting. Thank you. What IS that all over the drawing? Chunky spaghetti sauce!
+19930504 Who would like to show his or her traffic poster first? I WOULD! I WOULD! All right, Calvin. Step up front. Thank you! My poster says, "Be careful, or be roadkill!" Drawn in patent-pending "3-D gore-o-rama", this picture will actually attract flies, because the drawing is splattered with spaghetti sauce! I can see you're all just sick about your chances of winning.
+19930505 Well Hobbes, all we have to do now is wait for the judges to award our poster first prize, and we'll be rolling in moolah and prestige. You know, we really ought to enter more contests. I never realized how much fun it is to win! But we haven't won YET. But we WILL, and then everyone will know how great we are. Don't they already? Oh, you know how people are. They only recognize greatness when some authority confirms it.
+19930506 Look Calvin, My poster WON! HUH?!
+19930507 Our poster didn't win? I still can't believe it. What a miscarriage of justice! This contest was a joke! Obviously the judges were biased against us from the start! Well, the important thing is that we tried our best. The IMPORTANT thing is that we LOST! Oops, I always forget the purpose of competition is to divide people into winners and losers. What's the point of trying if you can't be a winner?
+19930508 Dad, my poster didn't win the contest! I think the judges were on the take and the whole thing was rigged! I want you to call the school board, have them declare a fraud, and make them take the prize away from Susie and give it to ME! Calvin, losing is a part of life. You should learn to be a good sport about it and keep things in perspective. After all, winning isn't everything. Is that really what they believe on the planet you're from? You've been watching athletic shoe ads again, haven't you?
+19930509 The late Cretaceous period ... when dinosaurs ruled the Earth! And Calvin ruled the dinosaurs! The terrible Tyrannosaurus sinks it teeth into a triceratops! Triumphant again, the undisputed king of dinosaurs let's out a mighty roar! With savage ferocity, the monster begins it's feast! Limb-severing, bone-crushing, and tendon-snapping, he ... Calvin! That's disgusting! For heaven's sake, slow down and chew quietly! The terrible Tyrannosaurus resumes eating, mortified that someone might see him.
+19930510 I know more about the private lives of celebrities than I do about any governmental policy that will actually affect me. I'm interested in things that are none of my business, and I'm bored by things that are important to know. The media aim to please. Maybe the economy should be discussed in cheap motel rooms.
+19930511 A million things that bug me. 1. Dried-out catsup on the bottle rim. 2. Toast crumbs in the butter. 3. Mushy bananas. 4. Worms on the sidewalk. 5. Skin on pudding. 6. Making a hand gesture for quotation marks. 7. Raisins. How about "excessively negative people"? Yeah, that's a good one. ...HEY!
+19930512 Want to see me juggle? I can keep a dozen eggs in the air at once! HUHH! ACKPTH! Notice I didn't say I could do it for very long. This rug must need a thicker pad.
+19930513 This tiger is sprawled so still and so flat, a question arises when glancing thereat. Is he asleep? To be perfectly frank, he looks more as if he was creamed by a tank! AAAUGH
+19930514 Do you believe in evolution? No. You don't think humans evolved from monkeys? I sure don't see any difference. Woo hoo hoo!
+19930515 There's nothing good on TV. Then turn it off. Turn it OFF?? You mean I should just sit here staring at a blank screen all day?! Oh.
+19930516 I can't sleep. I think nighttime is dark so you can imagine your fears with less distraction. At nighttime, the world always seem so big and scary, and I always seem so small. I wish I could fall asleep, so it would be morning. Sighhhh... Look at Hobbes. HE'S asleep. Z. Heh heh... he sure looks funny when he sleeps. Tigers close their eyes so tight. I wonder what he's dreaming about. Good ol' Hobbes. What a friend. Z. Things are never quite as scary when you've got a best friend. Z Z Z Z
+19930517 Let's find some slugs and worms. Why do we want to find slugs and worms? Because they're gross. That's why one AVOIDS slugs and worms. If we avoid them, we can't dare each other to eat one. Toodle-oo. What's the matter with you?! You don't like FUN?!
+19930518 Hey Susie! Do you dare me to eat this worm?? Just one? Um... well, yeah. Don't you think that's disgusting? See him wriggle? Eating five at once would be disgusting. I don't know about just one. You want me to eat FIVE?! Geeeez! Who'd have thought disgust would be so inflationary?!
+19930519 OK, Susie, I got five worms. But it will cost you 50 cents to see me eat them. 50 cents?! I'd only pay 50 cents if you ate 50 worms. That's a penny a worm. Right. I'll give you a nickel to eat those five. Five cents?! What if I have to go to the hospital because of this? Oh, all right. I'll throw in another nickel if you go to the hospital. ...not so fast! First, prove you even HAVE two nickels!
+19930520 OK, give me the nickel and I'll eat the worms. No, you eat the worms and THEN I'll give you the nickel. How about two cents up front and the rest upon completing the job? Sorry! You don't get paid until you do the work. Man, you'd think the guy eating the worms would be calling the shots! Usually, if you're calling any shots, you're not eating worms.
+19930521 Ready? Five worms down the hatch! Here goes! Closer... closer... wriggling, squirming, dirty, slimy worms! Closer... closer! Boy, they're really close now! How revolting! Closer... closer! Um... feel free to run away screaming any time. Not with my nickel at stake.
+19930522 Calvin, WHAT are you doing? I'm eating worms for a nickel! No you're not! Time for you to come home! And Susie, it's mean to take advantage of kids with no common sense. AW MOM, YOU SPOIL EVERYTHING! What a relief! Thanks Mom. Great timing. If I haven't seen you for two minutes, I figure there's trouble.
+19930523 How long till you're done? At least 15 minutes. Plus drying. ...sighhhh... I'm bored. There's nothing to do. Nothing to do?!? It's a beautiful summer day! You've got the whole outdoors to play in! If you can't find something to do, it's because you haven't tried. Go on! Use some imagination! My upbringing is filled with inconsistent messages.
+19930524 Little joys of life. 1. Reading a new comic book. 2. Petting a happy dog. 3. Getting a letter in the mail. 4. Eating the marshmallows in hot chocolate. 5. Smiling when a big kid calls you a nasty name... and then punching his teeth straight down his ugly neck. You really pull the ol' heartstrings. Some of these I haven't personally experienced, sad to say.
+19930525 Look, Hobbes. This world is kind of like TV. A casual observer might even confuse the two. But if you notice, here the colors are less intense and the people are uglier. Also, I see that several minutes can go by without a single car chase, explosion, murder or pat personal exchange. Why settle for less, hmm? Shh. This is my favorite deodorant commercial.
+19930526 You're a bat-faced, bug-eyed, booger-nosed, baloney-brained beetle-butt! This volunteer social work just isn't for me.
+19930527 Today for show and tell, I've brought in some flash cards I made. Each card has a letter followed by several dashes. When I show you the card, you yell the vulgar, obscene or blasphemous word they stand for! ...Ready? She's such a hypocrite about building vocabulary.
+19930528 I believe personal greed justifies everything. Also, private lives are legitimate public entertainment. And the lowest common denominator is always right! Do I have career options or what? I think I need to start hanging around with other animals.
+19930529 Ooh! Ahh! Eee! POP. It could've happened! Only corn does that. Add some cold water and get back in the tub.
+19930530 Historical marker. "Calvin's house". In January, some 40 snowmen met a gruesome fate on this spot. Every day I look for a moving van here. Knock knock. Great moons of neptune! A fool mortal female! Calvin? I'M not Calvin! I'm Stupendous Man! Friend of freedom! Opponent of oppressions! Uh huh. What are you doing? I was just about to use my stupendous powers to liberate some cookies being held hostage on the top shelf of the pantry! Now if you'll excuse me, duty calls! SLAM! A blot of crimson streaks across the sky! The man of mega-might is off to save the day! Did they have an egg you could borrow? No one was home, Mom.
+19930531 I'm not going to school any more. Oh? Nope! I've decided to be a "hunter-gatherer" when I grow up! I'll be living naked in a tropical forest, subsisting on berries, grubs, and the occasional frog, and spend my free time grooming for lice! All the experts say it's bad parenting to squelch a kid's ambitions.
+19930601 Miss Wormwood, I have a question about this math lesson. Yes? Give that, sooner or later, we're all just going to die, what's the point of learning about integers? Turn to page 83, class. Nobody likes us "big picture" people.
+19930602 The problem with people is they don't look at the big picture. Eventually, we're going to die, our species will go extinct, the sun will explode, and the universe will collapse. Existence is not only temporary, it's pointless! We're all doomed, and worse, nothing matters! I see why people don't like to look at the big picture. Well, it puts a bad day in perspective.
+19930603 Miss Wormwood, could we arrange our seats in a circle and have a little discussion? Specifically, I'd like to debate whether cannibalism ought to be grounds for leniency in murders, since it's less wasteful. For some reason, they'd rather teach us stuff that any fool can look up in a book.
+19930604 I flunked a test today. But I don't mind. No? It's a question of priorities, Hobbes. A man's got to make room for what he cares about. These days are precious, and I'd rather spend them goofing around than studying. I never really thought of ignorance as a quality of life issue. Apparently, neither has Dad.
+19930605 You know why birds don't write their memoirs? Because birds don't lead epic lives, that's why! Who'd want to read what a bird does? Nobody, that's who! This is changing the subject, but have you ever noticed how somebody can say something totally loony and not be aware of it? What are you supposed to do, just let it slide?? Sometimes if you wait, he'll top himself. I say just punch 'im then and there!
+19930606 Oh no! Everything has suddenly turned neo-cubist! It all started when Calvin engaged his Dad in a minor debate! Soon Calvin could see both sides of the issue! Then poor Calvin began to see both sides of EVERYthing! The traditional single viewpoint has been abandoned! Perspective has been fractured! The multiple views provide too much information! It's impossible to move! Calvin quickly tries to eliminate all but one perspective! It works! The world falls into recognizable order! You're still wrong, Dad.
+19930607 THIS IS A BIG, FAT WASTE OF MY TIME! HELLPP!! IT'S THE THOUGHT POLICE!
+19930608 Want to hear a joke? Sure! OK, this guy goes into a bar. No, wait, he doesn't do that yet. Or maybe it's a grocery store. OK, it doesn't matter. Let's say it's a bar. He's somewhere in the vicinity of a bar, right? So anyway, there's this dog and he says something odd, I don't remember, but this other guy says, um, well, I forget, but it was funny. I'll try to imagine it. Yeah, you'll really laugh.
+19930609 Hello? Hello. Is your mother home? What business is it of YOURS, jerk?! SLAM! Some people sure are nosy. I left three messages today, and nobody returned my call. How rude.
+19930610 I think we should get an answering machine. Ugh, I don't. If you have a machine, you feel obligated to return a bunch of calls you'd rather not have received in the first place. WITHOUT a machine, you can just let the phone ring, and eventually the caller gives up and you don't have to talk to him. That wasn't quite my point. That's the problem at work. The secretaries won't ignore the phone, so I'm always talking to people.
+19930611 The more you think about things, the weirder they seem. Take this milk. Why do we drink COW milk?? Who was the guy who first looked at a cow and said, "I think I'll drink whatever comes out of these things when I squeeze 'em!"? Isn't that weird? I think conversation should be kept to a minimum until afternoon.
+19930612 I've been disempowered. My centering, self-actualizing anima has been impacted by toxic, co-dependent dysfunctionality! You've been temporarily inconvenienced. Take out the trash. ARE YOU SAYING THERE'S A DIFFERENCE?!
+19930613 Do re mi fa so la ti do. A sparrow alights upon a tree branch. But this is no ORDINARY sparrow. This is a SONG sparrow. Swaying gently in the breeze, he prepares to burst forth a rapturious melody! ON TOP OF SPAGHETTI ALL COVERED WITH CHEEEESE, I LOST MY POOR MEEEATBALLL, WHEN...
+19930614 No text
+19930615 Dad, what causes wind? Trees sneezing. Really?? No, but the truth is more complicated. The trees are really sneezing today.
+19930616 What do you think that cloud looks like? A bunch of suspended water and ice particles,... why? Everybody hates a literalist.
+19930617 Mom, can I have the car keys? No. Can you believe the encyclopedia doesn't have an entry for "hotwire"?
+19930618 When I spit, I get pretty good saliva cohesion, but I'm still not getting much distance or accuracy. I think the problem lies in the mix of phlegm. If you don't get that critical mucus mass, you just... ...Hobbes? Nobody likes to hear about a hobby.
+19930619 You know what I like to do when someone's talking to me? I stare at the person's chin. I'll nod and respond to whatever he's saying. But I keep looking at his chin and changing my expression. I look quizzical at first, then vaguely repulsed, and later, quietly amused. Then I'll suddenly arch my eyebrows and blink a lot, and then I look skeptical and disbelieving. You get bonus points every time the person loses his train of thought. I'll bet your natural charm has made you a good sprinter.
+19930620 Oh Calvin, would you please empty this in the garage trash can? Boy, some vacation THIS summer is!
+19930621 What if there's no afterlife? Suppose this is all we get? Oh, what the heck. I'll take it anyway. Yeah, but if I'm not going to be eternally rewarded for good behavior, I'd sure like to know NOW.
+19930622 Phup phupp phup PHBBTTB. Hey, that was a GOOD one! Thank you. It's funny how you never see Mom and Dad practice these. Phup phup. They're probably good at it already.
+19930623 I watched an old movie with Mom last night. It didn't have any violence, explosive action, or swearing. There was nothing shocking about it at all. Did you like it? It's hard to say. Not having my emotions manipulated is such a weird experience.
+19930624 Thursday, Day 4. Light winds, good humidity. Progress slow, getting discouraged. I'm only burping - not truly BELCHING. Mellow roundness remains elusive. Harmonics coming along with developing amplitude. Hang in there! They say you should keep a log when you take up a sport.
+19930625 The literary world is abuzz about Mabel Syrup's sequel to "Hamster Huey and the Gooey Kablooie." We have to buy it! It's called "Commander Coriander Salamander and 'er Singlehander Bellylander"! Achitects should be forced to live in the buildings they design, and children's book authors should be forced to read their stories aloud every single night of their rotten lives.
+19930626 Hobbes is laughing in his sleep. Hee hee he. Psst! What's so funny? Zzz... shh, I'm going to pounce on Calvin... zz... hee hee... RUN FOR YOUR LIFE, CALVIN!
+19930627 Another one of THESE days. Uh oh! In another of life's mysterious quirks, Calvin finds himself an inch tall on the writing desk! His only hope is to tear off a sheet from a nearby pad of paper! At his tiny size, folding the sheet is difficult, but soon Calvin's patience is rewarded. He pushes off and catches a small thermal rising up the front of the desk! A gust from an open window sends Calvin soaring across the house! There's Dad! Lean! Lean! Yes! Calvin is able to steer! THIS should get Dad's attention! I don't need parents. All I need is a recording that says, "Go play outside!"
+19930628 Mom and Dad say I should make my life an example of the principles I believe in. But every time I do, they tell me to stop it. I'm not sure that total self-indulgence is really a principle.
+19930629 Like delicate lace, so the threads intertwine, Oh, gossamer web of wond'rous design! Such beauty and grace wild nature produces... Ughh, look at the spider suck out that bug's juices!
+19930630 I read that scientists are trying to make computers that THINK. Isn't that weird?? If computers can think, what will people be better at than machines? Irrational behavior. Maybe they'll invent a psychotic computer.
+19930701 I need a push! Somebody come and give me a push! RRRGGHHH. Where the heck is the manual override?!
+19930702 If you stick your tongue out for a long time, it dries up! Try it! Why would anyone want his tongue to dry up?! Because then it feels really weird when you touch it. I'll take your word for it. Some people just aren't open to revelatory experiences.
+19930703 ZZIZZZZ WHIPP FLIP ZZZZ ZZZZ FWAP! ZIPPPP ZZZZZ. The only skills I have the patience to learn are those that have no application in real life.
+19930704 Another day, another dollar... ...another irreplaceable chunk out of a finite and rapidly passing lifetime. What a beautiful summer day... and I've got to spend it in an office. Brother. It seems like I'm always rushing off and never taking the time to enjoy days like this. I'd sure like to have a quiet day around the house. No traffic, no schedule, no phone calls... boy, that would be great. I could spend some time with Calvin, read a book, go on a bike ride... Maybe I should take the day off. The world wouldn't end if I didn't go into the office today. Days like this don't come often and life is short. Hi Dad. Bye Dad. AUGHH. YOU GET BACK HERE AND PICK EVERY ONE OF THESE DEAD BUGS OUT OF MY SHAMPOO!! I MEAN NOW!
+19930705 Can you make a living playing silly games? Actually, you can be among the most overpaid people on the planet. ...sighhh...
+19930706 I am the world's most powerful computer. Ask me a question. Why does the world's most powerful computer wear little red sneakers?
+19930707 I am the world's most powerful computer. Ask me a question. Did Calvin clean his room as I asked him to, or did he spend the whole morning playing with a cardboard box? Um... system error... delete question and try again. What happened? Mom booted me up here.
+19930708 From now on, I'm not doing anything I don't want to do! The world OWES me happiniess, fulfillment and success. Well, lucky you! Yeah, I'm just here to cash in.
+19930709 What assurance do I have that parenting isn't screwing me up?
+19930710 Where are YOU going? Out. Did you pick up your room? I tried. But I couldn't lift it! GET IT?? AH HA HA HA HA HA! For some reason, the sound of children's laughter doesn't make Mom sentimental.
+19930711 How long till you're done? At least 15 minutes. Plus drying. ...sighhhh... I'm bored. There's nothing to do. Nothing to do?!? It's a beautiful summer day! You've got the whole outdoors to play in! If you can't find something to do, it's because you haven't tried. Go on! Use some imagination! My upbringing is filled with inconsistent messages.
+19930712 Gorgeous morning. Huh Dad? Mm. These summer days sure slip by, don't they? Too bad the daily drudgery of making a living has to keep you from appreciating these sublime moments of life. Well, best not to think about it! If you stay healthy, you can enjoy days like this when you retire! See you tonight! Ahhh. Summer!
+19930713 Look what I've got! What is it? It's the box a bar of soap comes in. It's a tradition that when you harangue the multitudes, you stand on a soap box. You'd probably be more impressive if you tried using the soap. Let me know if you see any multitudes.
+19930714 I have a very sarcastic mother.
+19930715 My elbows are grass-stained, I've got sticks in my hair, I'm covered with bug bites and cuts and scratches... I've got sand in my socks and leaves in my shirt, my hands are sticky with sap, and my shoes are soaked! I'm hot, dirty, sweaty, itchy and tired. I say consider this day seized! Tomorrow we'll seize the day and throttle it!
+19930716 I saw your teacher, Miss Wormwood, in the supermarket today. She said to say Hi. You saw Miss Wormwood?? She shops at the supermarket? Well certainly. What did you think? I dunno... I kinda figured teachers slept in coffins all summer.
+19930717 WHAP. Don't ask dumb questions. Just ring y doorbell, hold the bat, and yell, "Ha ha!" Why is that worth ten cents to you?
+19930718 Call it. Heads. You said "Tails", right? I said HEADS. What a play! I'll bet it takes you four downs just to get back on the field! I think football is a sport the way ducks think hunting is a sport.
+19930719 We don't understand what really causes events to happen. History is the fiction we invent to persuade ourselves that events are knowable and that life has order and direction. That's why events are always reinterpreted when values change. We need new versions of history to allow for our current prejudices. So what are you writing? A revisionist autobiography.
+19930720 A painting. Moving. Spiritually enriching. Sublime, ... "high" art! The comic strip. Vapid. Juvenile. Commercial hack work, ... "low" art. A painting of a comic strip panel. Sophisticated irony. Philosophically challenging. ... "high" art. Suppose I draw a cartoon of a painting of a comic strip? Sophomoric. Intellectually sterile. ..."low" art.
+19930721 MOMM! HEY, MOM! Calvin, stop yelling across the house! If you want to talk to me, walk over to the living room, where I am! I stepped in dog doo. Where's the hose?
+19930722 Here's a bug plodding resolutely across the dirt. Put a rock in his way, and he just goes around it. Flip him on his back, and he rights himself and continues on his way. He's focused, determined, and steadfast. If he's mocking me, I'm gonna goosh him.
+19930723 YOWP! AHH! OOH! What a dumb ride, on the hottest days you need the heaviest pands.
+19930724 I hate going to bed before it's dark out! It's not fair! I'll show Mom and Dad, though! They'll pay for this! If I have to go to bed while it's still light, then I'm going to get up when it's still dark!
+19930725 To make instant fun... ...just add water! Heh heh heh FWOOSH. Hee hee. Looking for someone? Uh, who? ME? Ha ha ha ha ha! Um, no-o. I mean, yes... but someone ELSE. Heh heh. Not you. Here's a hypothetical questionyou should ask yourself. If you knew today was your last day on earth, what would you do different? ... ESPECIALLY if, bu doing something DIFFERENT, today might NOT be your last day on earth. I don't think that question was very hypothetical at all.
+19930726 Jump jump jump jump jump jump jump jump! Ahh, you've fallen into my trap! Maybe you'd like to take that move over! Your remaining piece must have one heck of a plan.
+19930727 These real-life video programs are great! Here are ordinary people having actual, horrible experiences, which are broadcast nationwide for the public's viewing amusement! It's intrusion, exploitation, and voyeurism all in one! You never know where a video camera will be! Everything's fair game! Who'd have guessed big brother would go commercial? I love to snicker at other people's tragedy.
+19930728 Dad, what's a control freak? That's what lazy, slipshod, careless, cut-corner workers call anyone who cares enough to do something right. Am I in the presence of their king? Should I kneel? If anything works in this world, it's because one of us took charge.
+19930729 SPLOOSH! AAA! No! Wait! Think about it! Wasn't that refreshing?? I need to work on my salesmanship.
+19930730 Mom says if I stay up here for two hours, three days a week, I don't have to take any lessons this summer.
+19930731 I like people. I'm interested in people. YOU?? As an audience, I mean. Oh.
+19930801 I got a goal! OH, the score is oogy to boogy. I leady HAD oogy! You just ran into the invisible sector! You have to cover your eyes now, because everything is invisible to yoU! Invisible sector?? I didn't know we had an invisible sector! Where is it? You can't see it. It's invisible. How do I know I went in it then? You can't see anything, right? OK, so how do I get out? Somebody bonks you with the calvinball. I get another point! HEY! OW! WHY YOU... That was a rotten rule! I decree no more invisible sectors! ... in fact, I'll show YOU! YOU just ran into a vortex spot! You have to spin around until you fall down! Sorry, this vortex spot is in the boomerang zone, so the vortex turns to whoever calls it! YOU spin! THAT'S NOT FAIR! You know the calvinball rules. Yeah, yeah, anything we make up. Well, you'll pay for this. This game lends itself to certain abuses. Guess how you get out of the boomerang zone!
+19930802 This meeting of the Get Rid Of Slimy girlS club will now come to order! First tiger Hobbes will read the minutes of our last meeting. Thank you. "9:30 - Meeting called to order. Dictator-for-life Calvin proposes resolution condemning existence of girls." "9:35 - First tiger Hobbes abstains from vote. Motion fails. 9:36 - Patriotism of first tiger called into question. 9:37 - Philosophical discussion. 10:15 - Bandages administered. Dictator-for-life rebuked for biting." Is this a great club or what? "10:16 - Forgot what the debate was about. Medals of bravery awarded to all parties."
+19930803 Gentlemen, the purpose of today's meeting is to devise another brilliant plan to annoy our enemy! "Dictator-for-life Calvin's bold proposal is greeted with huzzahs from membership." We have tolerated the enemy's presence too long, I say! "Shouts of asset, much pounding on tables. Three cheers erupt for club ideals. Membership reduced to tears. More huzzahs. Pandemonium ensues. Boy, leading a club is a heady experience. Good meetings always turn into riots.
+19930804 Field scout Calvin reports the enemy was sighted. Engaged in emeny activity, on the sidewalk two doors down. As chief strategist, I suggest... Excuse me. A question from the floor. The chair recognizes first tiger Hobbes. Exactly what "enemy activity" was the enemy engaged in? You know, girl stuff! Ah. Say no more.
+19930805 All right, here's the plan! We make up a fake code with fake instructions and see that it "accidentally" falls into Susie's hands! She decodes the message, which says we DON'T want her to go behind our house! Naturally, she'll go there, and we'll be waiting, ready to soak her with water balloons! Why don't we just hit her with water balloons right now, where she's sitting? You're a good officer, Hobbes. But let's face it, you don't have an executive mind. I still think my idea SORT of makes sense...
+19930806 Now this is supposed to look like a coded message from me to you, but we'll leave it for Susie to find. Obviously, the code will have to be easy to break, so she can read the disinformation we're giving her. Who about if we write backwards? Yeah, that's good! Dear Hobbes. Gosh, I hope Susie's not too dumb to figure this out. Cracking codes is second nature to cool spies like us.
+19930807 TOP SECRET. DEAR HOBBES, IF SUSIE GOES BEHIND OUR HOUSE AT NOON, ALL OUR SECRET PLANS WILL BE RUINED! CALVIN. There! Once Susie decodes this message, she'll be lured to our water balloon trap! What a great plan! My only regret is blowing the best day of my life while I'm so young.
+19930808 Buttons... check. Dials... check. Switches... check. Little colored lights... check. Calvin, the airline pilot, is tenth in life for takeoff. His patience is at an end! Ignoring the control tower's protests, Calvin guns the engines and passes the other planes, cutting across less crowded runways! Rounding a corner, he opens the throttle! Stewardesses explaining the aircraft's safety features are hurled to the rear of the plane by the sudden acceleration! All the other planes watch with envy as Calvin takes off ahead of schedule! But what is this?! Another plane has already recieved clearance to land! It's headed for the same runway! It looks like a mid-air collission over a crowded super highway at rush hour! Oh, what a price to pay for his hurry! I'm back! Thanks for waiting so patiently. I could wait even longer if you'd buy me a THIRD plane.
+19930809 Good! Susie's still playing on the sidewalk! We'll stroll by and "accidentally" drop the coded message. Yes Hobbes, I have a TOP SECRET, CODED letter for you here! Verrrry mysterious! Verrry secret! Just make sure the note doesn't fall into a GIRL'S hands! If the code is broken and read, our plans will be ruined! We did it! Ha! Everything is going perfectly! ...Except she's not picking up the letter.
+19930810 Why isn't Susie picking up the coded message?! Doesn't she SEE it?? What's WRONG with her?! Doesn't she know enough to intercept somebody else's secret letter when it's dropped right in front of her?? Maybe she wasn't paying attention to us. That's inconceivable! Who wouldn't be interested in everything we do?!
+19930811 Look! Susie sees the letter! She's picking it up! She's reading the envelope! ... she's walking over here... You dropped this letter for Hobbes. Here. Um... gee, thanks. Well, that was awfully decent of her. It's no use! It's no use! Everybody gets good enemies except ME!
+19930812 Let's stroll over THIS way ONCE AGAIN, Hobbes! Yes, lets! It's a good think you have that TOP SECRET, CODED letter, Hobbes! It would be awful if you happened to DROP it near SUSIE one more time! If I were SUSIE, and I FOUND THE LETTER, I'd PICK IT UP AND DECODE IT, so I could RUIN ALL OUR PLANS! That would sure be BAD for US! It worked! She's opening the letter! Good. I was afraid we'd have to hit her on the head and read it to her.
+19930813 This must be the coded letter Calvin's trying to get me to read. Hmph, not much of a code... just backward letters! I can read it through the back of the page. "Dear Hobbes, if Susie goes behind our house at noon, all our secret plans will be ruined. Calvin." Gosh, it's almost noon! I'd better hurry over to Calvin's house if I want to spoil his plans! Wheee! Ha ha! She fell for it! C'mon Hobbes, hurry!
+19930814 Oh boy, this is going to be great! Get the water balloons! Hurry! We've got to hide before Susie gets here. Ha ha! She swallowed that fake letter hook, line and sinker! She thinks she's tricking US, but we'll trick HER! We're geniuses, Hobbes! Hee hee! Man, is she in for a surprise! I wonder what's keeping her. She probably got lost.
+19930815 Calvin? Calvin? Calvin! Hmm... the engine's making funny noises. Spaceman Spiff is going down over Planet Gork! Zounds! The planet is inhabited! An alien metropolis opens up before our hero's eyes! Spiff's stabilizers refuse to respond! Our hero is going to crazh! THIS SPELLS DISASTER! CALVIN! ..uh... D... I... S... A... S... T... E... R. Very good. I'm glad you were paying attention. YES! Once again the incredible Spaceman Spiff beats all odds to save the day! You may sit down, Calvin.
+19930816 It's past noon! Why isn't Susie walking into our brilliant ambush?! Where is she?! You stay here and guard the water balloons. I'll go on a reconnaissance mission and find out what she's doing. Wait a minute. Why can't I go on the reconnaissance mission? Because if you get captured, you'll tell Susie anything for a tummy rub. I MIGHT not!
+19930817 You can't trust a girl to do anything right! We go to all this trouble to lure Susie into this trap, and she doesn't shop up! As soon as I find out where she is, I'll get Hobbes and the water balloons and we'll let her have it! If she won't come to the ambush, we'll bring the ambush to her! Five... four... three... two...
+19930818 AAUGGH! OH NO! AIEE! ACKPTH! BLUBPLUB PLPPTTB! This doesn't go in the club log, understood? It never happened. Since you're already wet, it would be a shame not to use these water balloons.
+19930819 It's a dark day for the Get Rid Of Slimy girlS club. Our great plan backfired and I'M the one who got soaked! Oh, the shame! The ignominy! ...sighhhh... If you resign, can I be dictator-for-life? I DIDN'T SAY I WAS RESIGNING!
+19930820 Well Hobbes, the battle may have been lost, but the war goes on! This afternoon, we'll devise a bigger, better, and even more complicated scheme, and revenge will be ours! The spirit of G.R.O.S.S.ness cannot be extinguished! ...and for courage in the face of setbacks, I award us bottle caps of valor! Yayy! A good meeting always ends with us getting new medals! This is SUCH a great club!
+19930821 Here Calvin, I brought some lunch for you and Hobbes. Gee thanks, Mom. What do you say we break out the comic books while we think up our big plans? Oh boy! It's looking like a good afternoon, ol' buddy. I love summer.
+19930822 Uh oh. Here comes Susie. Try not to breathe in. Here, Calvin. What's this? It's an invtiation. Mr. Bun is hosting a milk and cookie party in ten minutes, and you and Hobbes are invited. WE DECLINE! We wouldn't attend if you PAID us! We've got better things to do than sit around with GIRLS and dumb toy animals! Fine! DON'T come! Who cares? What a jerk. ...I went to all this trouble, too. Don't be disappointed, Mr. Bun. We can have a nice party all by ourselves. Phooey. Ha! We showed HER! All girls should be shipped to Pluto - that's what I say. I wonder what kind of cookies they were. YOU CAME! We don't ATTEND parties. We just CRASH 'em!
+19930823 This is Dad's idea of taking us to the beach.
+19930824 Yep, that's a pretty good cow impression. From now on, that's how I eat salads.
+19930825 All right, here's a nickel. What do I get? Nothing. I just ripped you off. WHAT?! That's life!
+19930826 Oh, Mom? I just remembered. Some lady called you about an hour ago. Did you get her name and number? No... Well how am I supposed to call her back?! You don't need to. She's still on the line.
+19930827 Nothing for me... nothing for me... Phooey. The mail's here.
+19930828 Yesterday Dad told me not to eat a pepper because it was hot, ... so I ate the whole thing in two bites. Man, was I ever in agony! I was ricocheting off the walls all night! I thought I was going to explode! I gotta get a stunt double.
+19930829 Well! Peanut butter! ... or so it SEEMS. Did you see that? Hmm? What? My sandwich wiggled! There's something ALIVE in it! Oh stop it, Calvin. I'm not kidding! Mom must be trying to kill me! I bet there's a slug in my peanut butter! Eww! Hmm... I don't FEEL any slugs in here. What could it be? I'd better smell it. AUGH! AUGH! IT'S GOT MY NOSE!! THE PEANUT BUTTER ITSELF IS ALIVE! IT'S OOZING UP MY FACE! IT'S GOING TO SUCK OUT MY EYEBALLS! HELP! RRGH! MMF! BLRGHGH! I got it off! Quick! Drown it in chocolate milk! Boy, what a close call THAT was! Won't MOM be disappointed to see her little plot FAILED! Look at you! I've never SEEN anything so revolting! What's wrong with you?! I'm eating somewhere else. Girls are so weird.
+19930830 If I could just lead to ride that bicycle, I could go all sorts of places. I could cover miles in no time at all! I could go anywhere! I could... AAAAAAAAA I could go to heaven. You? I doubt it.
+19930831 OK bike, listen up! I don't like you and you don't like me. But I'VE got the tools to reduce you to piles of pipes, sprockets, and ball bearings! Do we understand each other? AAAAAAA. Maybe altogether too well.
+19930901 Dad, Will You Put A Bell On My Bike? I Think You Should Learn How To Ride Before You Worry About Having A Bell To Ring. Not THAT Kind Of Bell! I Want One That'll Warn Me When The Darn Bike's Sneaking Up On Me!
+19930902 I know why Dad got me that bike! He's trying to bump me off! He knows the bike will stop at nothing to kill me. Dad figures pretty soon I'll have my head through a tree trunk and he'll have some peace and quiet! I'M on to him! I suppose that's easier than sending you to camp and moving. Well sure, what if the house didn't sell?
+19930903 That cloud does impressions!
+19930904 Calvin, would you set the table for me please? Mm... I don't think so. I'm not enthusiastic about setting the table. I don't think you should have to do something unless you're enthusiastic about it.
+19930905 OK, I opened the door to your room. Now what's the big surprise? Uh... nothing. Try my closet.
+19930906 I originally thought I was going to be a teen idol. Oh? Then I thought, why wait until I'm a teen-ager?! I want to be idolized NOW! Then you should probably blow your nose more regularly. Want an autographed 8x10 glossy?
+19930907 I'm a genius, but I'm a misunderstood genius. What's misunderstood about you? Nobody thinks I'm a genius.
+19930908 At this room, time enters a no-passing zone.
+19930909 Let go of me, ya big galoot! Why don't you pick on somebody your own size?! They'd hit back. ...I guess that has a certain unethical logic to it...
+19930910 That's it! I'm through learning today! See you all tomorrow! I think I'M a better judge of when I'm through.
+19930911 Dad, what's it like being a grown-up? Well, it's not too different from being a kid... ...except you're more attached to your toys.
+19930912 How's your math homework going? AUGH! FINE! ...sighhhh... RGHH! GRR YIPE! RGHH RRGH YIPE! YIPE! SNAP AIEE! EEK! EEK! SNAP SNAP CRUNCH URRPP YAA! AUGH! Your book ate your homework, hmm? That's a new one. I'm lucky to be alive! I had to break its spine!
+19930913 What a day. I feel like I've been run over by a train. KAPOW! I mean, NOW I feel like that. See? You should always save hyperbole until you really need it.
+19930914 Today for show and tell, I have an utterly amazing whistle! I'll demonstrate. TWEEEET. What's so amazing about THAT?! It sounds like an ordinary whistle to ME! It can only be heard by ugly cretins. I'll get you at recess, Calvin.
+19930915 What if somebody calls us a pair o' pathetic peripatetics? I've never heard of anybody taking the trouble to rhyme weird insults. But shouldn't we have a ready retort?
+19930916 I'm doing a crossword puzzle. Number three across says "Bird". Hmm... I've got it! "Yellow-bellied sapsucker"! But there are only five boxes. I know. These idiots make you write real small.
+19930917 You're dead at recess, Twinky. I feel sorry for you, Moe. You must have some serious personal problems if this is how you relate to people. POW. Then again, maybe he's just a world-class poop head.
+19930918 OH NO! I OVERSLEPT! I GOTTA GET UP! But it's Saturday. Well sure. If this was a school day, what would I care?
+19930919 Wow, honey, you're missing a beautiful sunset out here. I'll count to 10, and then... POW! Dad, how come old photographs are always black and white? Didn't they have color film back then? Sure they did. In fact, those old photographs ARE in color. It's just that the WORLD was black and white then. Really? Yep. The world didn't turn color until sometime in the 1930s, and it was pretty grainy color for a while, too. That's really weird. Well, truth is stranger than fiction. But then why are old PAINTINGS in color?! If the world was black and white, wouldn't artists have painted it that way? Not necessarily. A lot of great artists were insane. But... but how could they have painted in color anyway? Wouldn't their paints have been shades of gray back then? Of course, but they turned colors like everything else did in the '30s. So why didn't old black and white photos turn color too? Because they were color pictures of black and white, remember? The world is a complicated place, Hobbes. Whenever it seems that way, I take a nap in a tree and wait for dinner.
+19930920 Your new polls are in, Dad. Mm. A vast majority of household six-year-olds say you're not living up to their expectations of fatherhood. What were their expectations? That you'd be more like an automatic teller machine. Where do you pollsters find these respondents?
+19930921 The more you know, the harder it is to take decisive action. Once you become informed, you start seeing complexities and shades of gray. You realize that nothing is as clear and simple as it first appears. Ultimately, knowledge is paralyzing. Being a man of action, I can't afford to take that risk. You're ignorant. But at least you act on it.
+19930922 Have you been reading about the "electronic superhighway"? Pretty soon, computers, telephones and TVs will all be hooked together to bring instantaneous, interactive communication right into our homes! But Dad says he liked it better when you had to communicate by mail, and you knew you wouldn't hear back from anybody for at least a week. Of course, your Dad thinks transportation should've stopped with the bicycle. I'm a 21st century kid trapped in a 19th century family.
+19930923 Wait! Don't hit me! There's something on your back! I'm sure. I'm serious! It's a note! Your Mom must've pinned it on your shirt. What's it say? It says, "Somebody run this boy over with a truck." If I'm going to get clobbered, I like to deserve it.
+19930924 My watch tells the time, the day, and the date. It doesn't tell what month it is, though. I need a watch that tells the month. I suppose they figure if you don't know what month it is, you're not the type who'd wear a watch.
+19930925 Mom wants to know if we'd like to go to the zoo today. Can we tour a prison afterward? No thanks.
+19930926 I've been thinking, Hobbes. On a weekend? Well, it wasn't on purpose... I believe history is a force. Its unalterable tide sweeps all people and institutions along its unrelenting path. Everything and everyone serves history's single purpose. And what is that purpose? Why, to produce ME, of course! I'm the end result of history. YOU? Think of it! Thousands of generations lived and died to produce my exact, specific parents, whose reason for being, obviously, was to produce ME. All history up to this point has been spent preparing the world for my presence. Hmm, 4.5 billion years probably wasn't long enough. Now I'm here, and history is vindicated. So now that history's brought you, what are you going to do? Ooh, you wascawwy wabbit!
+19930927 Psst, Susie! What's the answer to question two? "Eli Whitney and the cotton gin." But this is a math problem. It's a trick question. How come YOU wrote something different? I'm going to get this question wrong, so it won't look like you copied. Wow, thanks! Oh, I ow it to you.
+19930928 OK, that's how we'll do kickoffs. Go with what works, I guess.
+19930929 Ooh, wook at da big, stwipey putty! Is oo a fuzzy, fwiendwy putty?? Tigers don't like to be called "putties".
+19930930 If heaven is good, and if I like to be bad, how am I supposed to be happy there? How will you get to heaven if you like to be bad? Let's say I didn't DO what I WANTED to do. Suppose I led a blameless life! Suppose I denied my true dark nature! I'm not sure I have that much imagination. Maybe heaven is a place where you're ALLOWED to be bad!
+19931001 Calvin, your test was an absolute disgrace! It's obvious you haven't read any of the material. Our first President was NOT Chef Boy-Ar-Dee and you ought to be ashamed to have turned in such preposterous answers! I just don't test well.
+19931002 Look, Hobbes! If you dry your teeth, you can curl your upper lip and it will stick! See? Then you take a piece of tape... ...and use it to pull your nostrils up! Cool, huh? Wow! I'll be if you showed your Dad, he'd go to work like that! YEAH!
+19931003 That's our son! *sighhhh* These pictures will remind us of more than we want to remember.
+19931004 I love my school books. Just think! Pretty soon we'll have read ALL of this! I like to read ahead and see what we're going to learn next. It's so exciting to know stuff. Having a book is like having a good friend with you. If you flip the pages of MY book, an animated T.Rex drives the batmobile and explodes! Sometimes I think books are the only friends worth having.
+19931005 I don't need to study! I don't need to learn! I can always get by on my good looks and charm! I don't hear you concurring, hairball breath. Tell me, is it static electricity that makes your hair do that?
+19931006 I got a smiley face sticker on my quiz. Whoop-de-doo for you. What did YOU get? None of your darn business! You got a frowny face, didn't you? NO as a matter of fact, I didn't! I didn't even know they MADE barfing face stickers.
+19931007 Miss Wormwood, I'm not going to learn this material unless you make it enthralling. I see. And what will you do if the rest of your life doesn't entertain you every minute? What, ... you think I'll live in someplace that doesn't get cable?!
+19931008 Love the sinner and hate the sin. Uh oh...
+19931009 Hey, nice moustache! Thanks. I made it. Very bushy. What did you use for the hair?
+19931010 Why do animals always walk in circles before they lie down? Sorry. Privileged information. Z Psst! Hey kid! MONSTERS! What do you want? There's a big, shiny toy for you under the bed. Come get it! Oh sure! You just want me to come there so you can grab me with some oozing appendage, slowly paralyze me with some vile secretion, and devour me alive! Nice try! Forget it! Stupid monsters. All fangs and no brains. Psst! Tiger! We'll give you some salmon if you push the kid over the bed! Is the salmon fresh? Hold on, I'll check. Yeah, it's fresh. HOBBES, DON'T LISTEN TO THEM!!
+19931011 Nowadays, ads don't just sell a product. They sell an attitude! Look at this one! Here's a cool guy saying nobody tells him what to do. He does whatever he wants and he buys this product as a reflection of that independence. So basically, this maverick is urging everyone to express his individuality through conformity in brand-name selection? Well, it sounded more defiant the way HE said it. Mm.
+19931012 Here's another ad with attitude. This guy didn't like his job, so he quit, and now he climbs rocks! See, he's his own man! He grabs life by the throat and lives on his own terms! If he quit his job, I wonder how he affords those expensive athletic shoes he's advertising. Maybe his Mom bought them for him. I hope she'll pay his medical bills when he falls off that rock.
+19931013 OW!! Mmf! Ngghh! Rrrrggg! FWOPP.
+19931014 I'M SIGNIFICANT! Screamed the dust speck.
+19931015 The days are getting colder. Yes. BUGS ARE DYING BY THE TRUCKLOAD! HA HA HA! GOOD RIDDANCE TO 'EM ALL! I like fall.
+19931016 Made in God's own image, yes sir! God must have a goofy sense of humor.
+19931017 Eeesh. What goes down must come up. BLECHH! AGKH HEY! NO! DON'T SPLOOSH HACK COUGH SPLUTTER MMF BLORP! UGH ICKK PTOOY YAA! I'LL GET YOU!! Heh heh... Hello, local navy recruitment office? Yes, this is an emergency...
+19931018 Another touchdown for me! Couldn't you chase me toward the other goal for once?
+19931019 See? SEE?? I DID hang up my coat! It's right there, just like I said! I was right and you were wrong. OK, OK, I'm sorry. Forgive me. Heh heh heh! Another tally mark for today. You don't need to keep score!
+19931020 Everybody seeks happiness! Not ME, though! That's the difference between me and the rest of the world! Happiness isn't good enough for me! I demand euphoria! The problem with you, Hobbes, is you're always at a loss for words. I've found that saves many a friendship.
+19931021 Here I am, happy and content. ...but not euphoric. So now I'm no longer content. I'm unhappy. My day is ruined. I need to stop thinking while I'm ahead.
+19931022 Is hamburger meat made out of people from Hamburg? Of course not! It's ground beef. I'm eating a COW? Right. I don't think I can finish this.
+19931023 Did you see where it landed? Look for the crater. Are we a little scared of the ball?
+19931024 Thank you, Claire. That was very good. ... all right, who'd like to go next? Anyone at all besides Calvin? HEY! For show-and-tell, I brought these amazing fossilized bone fragments that I painstakingly unearthed from sedimentary deposits in my front yard! Though they look like ordinary driveway gravel to the untotured eyes of the ignorant layman, I immediately recognized these as pieces of jawbone from a new species of carnosaur! In this dramatic illustration, I've re-created the complete Calvinosaurus as it would have appeared in the late Jurassic! It's coloration here is somewhat conjectural. I'll be publishing my full findings shortly! Undoubtedly, I'll be the recipient of many lucrative paleontology prizes, and in a matter of weeks, prestige, fame and fortune will be mine! When this happens, you can be darn sure that those of you who were mean to me in school will suffer appropriately! I'll employ my resources to make your puny lives miserable! I'll crush your pitiful dreams and ambitions like bugs in the dust! ... but there IS an alternative! I'm now accepting a limited number of applications to be my pal. The cost is just $20 per person, and you can revel in the association for a lifetyme! Any takers? Oh yeah? Just you wait!
+19931025 Hold it, Moe! Before you wallop me, I'm afraid you'll have to sign this form. What's this? It's a statement acknowledging responsibility for your behavior. You agree that hitting me entitles me to unlimited compensation for medical treatment as well as reasonable damages for pain and suffering. You affirm that you're insured for these costs and... Nobody takes responsibility for his actions any more.
+19931026 Here, Dad. I'd like you to sign this form and have it notarized. "I, the undersigned Dad, attest that I have never parented before, and insofar as I have no experience in the job, ... ...I am liable for my mistakes, and I agree to pay for any counseling, in perpetuity, Calvin may require as a result of my parental ineptitude." I don't see how you're allowed to have a kid without signing one of those.
+19931027 Miss Wormwood, I'd like you to sign this contract. It's an agreement that you'll compensate me for any loss of job income I may suffer as an adult because of a poor first-grade eduction. If you get a poor first-grade education, it will be from YOUR lack of effort, not mine. Go back to your desk. By golly, SOMEBODY ought to may me if I don't learn anything.
+19931028 Hi Susie! Would you sign this legal document? What is it? In essence, it annuls our knowledge of each other's existence and it prohibits any future social interaction. Specifically, it states that I'll never ask you out on a date, and it imposes severe penalties on any party that attempts to engage the other in conversa... It's almost insulting how fast she signed that.
+19931029 Here, Hobbes. I've drawn up a friendship contract for you to sign. A contract? Right. It codifies the terms of our friendship. You can renegotiate in 20 years. People are friends because they WANT to be, not because they HAVE to be! That's what this fixes. If your friends are contractual, you don't have any.
+19931030 Dad, why do my eyes shut when I sneeze? If your lids weren't closed, the force of the explosion would blow your eyeballs out and stretch the optic nerve, so your eyes would float around and you'd have to point them with your hands to see anything. Gross. How come you know so much? It's all in the book you get when you become a father.
+19931031 The end of the mesozoic era... a herd of chasmosaurs is unusually jittery! They now know they have more to fear than tyrannosaurs! Now they face an even GREATER danger... TYRANNOSAURS in F-14s! This is SO cool! This is SO stupid!
+19931101 You say, when you become a father, you get a book that explains everything in the world? Right. Can I se it? Nope, sorry. Why not? It tells what it's like to raise a kid. SO?! You're not allowed to know that until it's too late not to have one.
+19931102 AAAAAA! A person should be safe from predators inside his own house! If I had reflexes like yours, I'd be glad for the opportunity to improve them.
+19931103 HEY, LOOK AT ME! "Nude descending a staircase"! Nobody understands art.
+19931104 ...sighh... They say nobody lies on his deathbed wishing he'd spent more time at the office. Well, I'd better get to the office. That was obviously some sort of commentary.
+19931105 Doggone it, he's got all the covers again. Zz. Zz... hmm? Oh yes, I'm VERY fond of Calvin. ...pass the gravy, please. zzz. Brrr... Zz.
+19931106 Why should I take a bath? I'm just going to get dirty again. Why should I brush my teeth? I'm just going to eat again. Why should I comb my hair? It's just going to get messed up again. I'd rather be efficient than hygienic.
+19931107 I'm bored. Let's go in. But we've only been out here a few minutes. This is taking too long. What's the hurry? We've got all day! Yeah, but it's kind of cold, and the sun's too bright, and my gloves are getting wet. And when you think about it, building a snowman is a lot of work. I didn't come here to do something hard. Besides, what if the snowman doesn't come out very good? We'd be failures! Who wants to be a failure?! Or even if it's good, what's the point? It's just going to melt in a few weeks anyway! It's all futile! So instead of wasting my time, I'm going to go inside, pull down the shades and watch TV. That way, in complete physical comfort, I can vicariously experience the activity of actors pretending to do things! Are you sure it's not too much trouble to turn on the TV? That's why we have a remote control. Virtual reality is already here. I can't believe the only way to get inside is by WALKING.
+19931108 Hi, it's me, your big accomplishment in life! I'm depressed.
+19931109 Did you check the pockets of my pants before you washed them? Yes. Did you find anything... um... surprising? Like what? Let's just say we need some big gloves and a heavy stick... FAST. Do you mean you don't know where this thing IS?!
+19931110 Oh no! Mom packed me a piece of PIE in my lunch! She hates me! I refuse to eat it! You don't like pie? Not this kind. What kind is it? Cow pie. MISS WORMWOOD! Want it? It's fresh.
+19931111 I wish I had a heavier coat. Theatrics notwithstanding, the thermostat stays where it is.
+19931112 ... and so, in 1654... HKGHHKKGHH. Mysterious planet Zartok-3 appears from... KHGHHKGGH. PAY ATTENTION! When you change the channel, I don't think the original program should be able to change it back.
+19931113 Mom, what was I like as a baby? Stinky. Stinky?? Stinky. It's always shocking to see one's existence reduced to a blurb.
+19931114 Brrrr! I'm freezing! You need a nice fur coat like mine. I'm all toasty. I'll just put my feed on your back, OK? Ooh, you ARE warm! GAAA! Quit thrashing around! You're letting in cold air! Well keep your icy feet on your own side of the bed then! They WERE! Your big behind was on MY side! THAT's your side! THIS is the demilitarized zone and THIS is MY side! All THAT?! No way, you hog! In fact, the whole bed is my side! Animals should sleep on the floor! Oh, THAT does it! You and your hairless pink monkey suit can freeze solid! I'm leaving! HEY! Don't take the blanket! COME BACK HERE! I'LL GET YOU! GIMME THAT! ...now where'd he go?? AAAAAA GAAAA! SOMEBODY'S FEET ARE LIKE ICE!! Calvin had another nightmare. If it's two crowded, you guys are welcome to sleep downstairs.
+19931115 I need some help with my homework, Hobbes. What's the assignment? I'm supposed to write a paper that presents both sides of an issue and then defends one of the arguments. What's your issue? That's the problem. I can't think of anything to argue. That's hard to believe. I'm always right and everybody else is always wrong! What's to argue about?!
+19931116 Help me think of an issue to debate for this dumb paper. Well, what issues do you care about? I don't care about issues! I've got better things to do than argue with every wrong-headed crackpot with an ignorant opinion! I'm a busy man! I say, either agree with me or take a hike! I'm right, period! End of discussion! Um... right. There, see? Everybody's happy.
+19931117 So what am I going to write about? Hmm... we'll need to put on our thinking caps. HEY! Thinking caps! THAT'S what we need! C'mon! This is a GREAT idea! Boy, where would I be without you? Conceivably, you might be working on your assignment.
+19931118 We'll use this colander for the thinking cap! Its metal surface can conduct electrical brain impulses and reflect brain waves! Next we'll need to attach those input and output strings and a grounding string. Why a grounding string? It's like a lightning rod for brainstorms... I want to keep my ideas grounded in reality. I think you're too late. We'll also need to build a transformer for the atomic cerebral enhance-o-tron.
+19931119 The thinking cap is all set! Let's turn it on! Click. Brzap. Did it work? I think so. I feel smarter already.
+19931120 What happened to your head?? Evidently, an unanticipated physiological consequence of cerebral augmentation. My brain swelled. If your hats don't fit, will you give them to me? My powerful brain is unraveling the mysteries of the universe. It's amazing! All natural laws can be reduced to one simple, unifying equation! Really? What is it? Already my powerful brain is bored with such simple problems and is now working on why girls are so obnoxious.
+19931121 Sighhh... I wish I could go to the moon. I wish I could too. Dear...
+19931122 Now that the thinking cap has enlarged your brain, you can write your homework paper. I concur. CALVIN, DINNER TIME. Uh oh. Wait until your parents see your head! I am applying my powerful brain to the dilemma. I know! We'll wrap my head in this bedsheet! THAT will allay any suspicion! Your powerful brain must know something I don't.
+19931123 Calvin, come down for dinner! I'm not calling you again! Hurry up with the turban! There. Sorry I'm late. I was unavoidably detained. Calvin, we don't eat at the table looking like that. Take off the sheet. Uh... heh heh... um... Thank you. I don't know why I worry. They never notice anything.
+19931124 I brought you some fish from dinner. Obviously I don't need to eat brain food now. Oh boy. OK, let's get down to business. I'll apply my powerful brain to the problem of my homework. ...hmmmmmm... How's it going? Good! I just remembered what the assignment was.
+19931125 My powerful brain has come up with a topic for my paper. Great. I'll write about the debate over tyrannosaurs. Were they fearsome predators or disgusting scavengers? Which side will you defend? Oh, I believe they were fearsome predators, definitely. How come? They're SO much cooler that way.
+19931126 Let's see... to argue that tyrannosaurs were predators and not scavengers, we'll need to write a brief overview of carnosaur evolution. Then we'll delve into skeletal structure, skull design, arm strength, potential running speed, and environmental factors. ...but first, we'll draw some pictures of a T.Rex eating people in the natural history museum. I notice your head is shrinking back to normal size.
+19931127 Your forehead is back to normal. The brain enhancement must have worn off. But you haven't written your paper yet. Oh, that's the easy part. The HARD part was getting a topic and making these funny drawings. Now all I have to do is write everything I know about tyrannosaurs. It'll be a breeze. For once I'm GUARANTEED a good grade! CALVIN, TIME FOR BED.
+19931128 This sculpture will be called "The spirit of compromise". We'll each make a snowman and have them shanking hands. This will be very insprational! People will weep to see two snowmen overcoming their differences and cooperating! Soon we'll be rolling in public commissions! Make your snowman's arm longer. His hand won't reach my snowman's hand. Why should I make a new arm? Just make YOURS longer. Then it will look like my snowman had to reach farther than yours did. They should be equal. Then build your snowman closer over here! I'm not going to start all over! Just make your arm longer! I refuse. You can't tell me what to do! In that case, my snowman refuses to shake with your snowman! So what?? My snowman won't even TALK to yours! I'm turning his head the other way! Ha! While he's looking over there, MY snowman will kick YOUR snowman in his big white butt! Oh yeah, well, mine knocks your snowman's head off! Fine! My snowman feeds your snowman his own nose! Why you...!! Leggo OW OOF Stop it! I don't think this sculpture is very good. It's a compromise.
+19931129 TIME FOR BED?? That's what I said. But I haven't finished my paper for school yet! I need more time! How much more do you have to do? I just have to write it.
+19931130 You mean it's bedtime and you haven't even started writing your paper for school?! What have you been DOING all evening?? Well first, Hobbes and I invented and constructed a thinking cap that augmented my brain so I could think up a good topic, and then we drew illustrations of... That doesn't sound like a very good time budget to me. I wasn't expecting to get audited so soon.
+19931201 Great! Just great! Mom lets us stay up for half an hour longer to finish this paper. How am I supposed to do a good job in so little time?! Your Mom says you wasted the whole evening. But now she's making me do a rushed, slipshod job! I'll have to compromise the qualitY! I won't get the "A" I deserve! Especially since you've used up 15 minutes complaining about it. It'll tell the teacher it's Mom's fault.
+19931202 What a rotten evening that was. At least you finished your paper. Yeah, but it could've been a lot better. I finally get a chance to write about something I know backward and forward and I have to rush the whole thing. Well, with the time available, you did the best you could. ...sort of. I think geniuses should be given special considerations.
+19931203 My paper is entitled, "Tyrannosaurus Rex: Fearson Predator or Loathsome Scavenger?" Ahem... "I say tyrannosaurs were predators, because it would be so bogus if they just ate things that were already dead. The end." I'M A CONCISE WRITER, OK?!?
+19931204 Miss Wormwood was going to give me a "D-" on my paper, but I talked to her after class and told her how I ran out of time and couldn't write all I knew about tyrannosaurs. She said I'd had plenty of time to do the assignment, but she admitted that maybe I'd picked too complex a subject. So she raised my grade to a "D" and told me I should try to pick realistic goals and plan my time better. I guess we learned a lesson, huh? I'll say. Smooth-talking the teacher really pays off!
+19931205 That's strange. I don't remember a door being here before. Here's your breakfast! M-MOM?? Eat up! Mmm! It looks yummy! Y-YOU'RE NOT MY MOM! Yes I am! Eat your oatmeal! What's going on? This isn't my house an dyou're not my Mom!! Oh no! That's not our yard outside! It's a CAGE! NAUGH!! I'm trapped in a lab and they're trying to get me to imprint on my own species before they return me to the wild! He's on to us, Wayne. There goes our funding. Here's your breakfast. What's the matter? Prove you're my Mom.
+19931206 14... 52... POW! WAAUGH! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO WAIT UNTIL I HIKE THE BALL!! Oops. Sorry. Darn tigers. You can explain the rules to 'em, but you can't suppress their surprise pounce instinct.
+19931207 Yesterday Dad went to buy a hardcover novel. He said he wanted to read something long, rich and thought-provoking for a change, and he wanted a cloth binding so his book could be carried around and reread later. Then he said he was going to buy the book with cash, so nobody could trace the purchase to him and exploit his interest for commercial purposes. You Dad's going into the guture kicking and screaming, isn't he? What if he's turning me into some kind of subversive?
+19931208 Mom, can I get a big tattoo? I want a winged serpent coiling around one arm, clutching a ship on my chest, with... ...um... I mean... ...well... ...sighhhh... Did you know Mom can communicate telepathically?
+19931209 I'm gonna pound you at recess, Twinky. You'd better be nice to me, Moe. Haw! Why? Because someday my tax dollars will be paying for your prison cell. POW! My whole problem is my lips move when I think.
+19931210 You know, everything I am... my unique spirit and personality... everything that makes me ME... ...is dependent on the proper functioning of this complex, fagile and miraculous chunk of meat that is my body. Interesting observation. Well, it just occurred to me. WAHOOOOOOO.
+19931211 They say the world is a stage. But obviously the play in unrehearsed and everybody is ad-libbing his lines. Maybe that's why it's hard to tell if we're in a tragedy or a farce. We need more special effects and dance numbers.
+19931212 POW! SMACK!
+19931213 Yep, Christmas is just around the corner. And what better way to celebrate a religious holiday than with a month of frenzied consumerism! I'm surprised other religions haven't picked up on that. Getting loads of loot is a very spiritual experience for me.
+19931214 Dear Santa, Every year at this time I send you a list of what I want for Christmas. And every year you callously ignore it and bring me practical things I don't want at all. What's the deal?! Are you insane? Have you gone senile?? Can't you read?? Or are you just a vindictive, twisted elf, bent on destroying kids' dreams?!?! You might want to sleep on this one. I know, but it felt good to write it.
+19931215 Dear Santa, Last year I did not receive the 15,000 items I requested for Christmas. I can only conclude that your secretarial staff must be a bunch of underpaid and woefully unprepared temps, and my letter was misfiled. To avoid a similar disaster this year, just write me a check for five million dollars, and I'll buy the stuff myself. See, THIS year I won't be disappointed. I'd leave out the part about the temps.
+19931216 Dear Santa, Hello, I am Calvin's new baby brother, Melville. Enclosed is a list of what I want for Christmas. Please don't confuse MY list with Calvin's. There are TWO kids at this house now. Man, if Santa falls for this, I'll add a new brother every year! "Melville"?
+19931217 No snow. ...which means I can't paste anyone with a snowball... which means I'm good... which means I'll get lots of Christmas presents! Ha! Nothing in life is ever easy.
+19931218 Look at all this snow! I'm being tested. We got this snow so I'd be tempted to smack Susie with a slushball and forfeit all my Christmas presents. To evaluate my chatacter, my immediate pleasure is being pitted against my future greed! Poor Susie. IT'S NOT A FOREGONE CONCLUSION!
+19931219 There. Now we need to get this on the roof. SANTA --- WEIGHTED DOWN WITH EXTRA TOYS? DROP 'EM OFF HERE! --- CALVIN. I've been thinking. They say Santa knows if you've been bad or good, right? Right. But think how many kids there are in the whole world! Nobody could be watching every kid every single minute! I mean, Santa's OLD! He probably takes naps! THe way I figure it, Santa must just make a few random checks on us once or twice a week. That's all? Sure. He'd catch enough bad kids that way to scare everyone else into being good most of the time. He'd create the impression he's watching more than he really is! Pretty shrewd. Yeah, but now that I'm on to him, I'm going to smack Susie with a snowball! If I do it quick, the odds of Santa watching me at that exact moment are virtually nil! What if Susie tells on you? Ooh, I didn't think of that! She's a girl, so she probably WOULD snitch! Phoeey. Well, I sure hope Santa's watching now, seeing as I'm being so good. Unwillingly good, but good nonetheless.
+19931220 The day after Christmas is going to be epic.
+19931221 Throwing these snowballs would give me immediate and certain pleasure. Refraining from throwing these snowballs in the hope of being rewarded at Christmas is delayed and Uncertain pleasure. As usual, goodness hardly puts up a fight.
+19931222 What if there is no Santa Claus? You know, a lot of this Santa stuff is hard to believe. The flying reindeer, going around the world in one night, the whole chimney bit... What if it's all some cruel hoax and I'm being good for NOTHING? You've ALWAYS been good for nothing! If he exists, Santa will forgive this one.
+19931223 I'm not bad. I'm just... um... ...exuberant! There's nothing wrong with being exuberant! Heads up! POW! Go on, explain the semantics to your Mom. Yikes, she got her wind back and she's gaining!
+19931224 Piff. SANTA'S GONNA SKIP YOUR HOUSE FOR THAT, CALVIN! I figure this doesn't really count against me, since she's so sanctimonious and I keep missing.
+19931225 HA HA! ACQUITTAL ON ALL CHARGES! COMPLETE EXONERATION! HA HA HA! Merry Christmas to you too, dear. Phew, what's that smell? Has someone been eating tuna fish at this horrible hour?!
+19931226 I asked Dad if he wanted to see some new year's resolutions I wrote. He said he'd be glad to, and he was pleased to see I was taking an interest in self-improvement. I told him the resolutions weren't for ME, they were for HIM. That's why we're outside now. I WONDERED what the rush was. I'm getting disillusioned with these new years. They don't seem very new at all! Each new year is just like the old year! Here another year has gone by and everything's still the same! There's still pollution and war and stupidity and greed! Things haven't changed! I say what kind of future IS this?! I thought things were supposed to improve! I thought the future was supposed to be better! The problem with the future is that it keeps turning into the present.
+19931227 Z. Y-YAWNN. There's no sedative like seeing a tiger lying in the sun.
+19931228 Hey Dad, why don't you cut down all the trees in our hill and put in a ski lift? Because a ski lift would be ugly, noisy, and completely unnecessary. The problem with Dad is he doesn't know progress when he hears it.
+19931229 AAUGHH. I meant to do that. Then it worked very well.
+19931230 I've lost my marbles. Everyone suspected as much. Well, I hope somebody finds them again. HEY!!
+19931231 I need a new toboggan. What for? Mine is outdated. I'm sure the '94 models have all sorts of new features, colors and options. Toboggans don't come in model years. They don't?? I tell you, Hobbes, there's a fortune to be made!
+19940101 What the...?? I'm not playing with a full deck! That's what some people say. Really? Then why didn't somebody go buy some new cards?! HEY!!
+19940102 Ready? OFF WE GO-O!! WEEEEE AAAAAA WHOAAAA OOH AH EE ACK OW WAAUGH! OOMFF UGH HOOF HUHH YAAAAAA WO WO WO WO WO unggg. I think that was our best ride EVER! I kept closing my eyes. Let's do it again.
+19940103 I resent the quality of network programming! It's all fluff, violence, sensationalism and sleaze! I hunger for serious, tasteful entertainment that respects my intelligence! So turn off the stupid TV and read a book. All right, I lied. Sue me.
+19940104 Why does he have a hot water bottle on his head? He's committing suicide.
+19940105 I'll take one card. OK. I fold. Are you cheating?!
+19940106 Incredibly, people NEVER expect to get hit with a snowball in the house. I'll see you in your room momentarily.
+19940107 If anyone hits me with a snowball, I'll hit HIM with 250 snowballs! What if somebody hits YOU with 250 snowballs? ...sighhh...
+19940108 This will by my strongest fort ever! With these massive walls, I'll be safe from any attack! HELLLP!!
+19940109 YAWNN... I'm going to get some coffee, Ted. Want any? No thanks, Frank. Tum te ta ta tum... BLAM! GAKK AIEEE!! They got Frank!! RUN. You got 'im! He's a big one, too! Nice shot, Bamb. Somebody get the camera! ... needless to say, Frank's family was upset when he didn't come home that night, but everybody understood that the human population had doubled in just two generations to almost six billion, so some thinning of the herds was necessary to prevent starvation. Another parent-teacher conference. Your turn.
+19940110 I don't think the schools assign enough homework.
+19940111 Some kids at school got filthy rich today. Really? How? They grabbed him by the drinking fountain.
+19940112 Here, you'll probably want this pillow. What for? It's like an air bag. Hold it in front of your head like this as we go down. Don't you feel safer now? I certainly do.
+19940113 Yes! POW. Wasn't that a great shot?? What control! What form! Did you notice the top spin? Did you notice how I packed the snow so that... A REAL friend would've been happy for me!
+19940114 Some people complain all the time! They complain about the least little thing! If something bugs them, they never let go of it! They just go on and on, long after anyone else is interested! It's just complain, complain, complain! People who gripe all the time really drive me nuts! You'd think they'd change the subject after a while, but they never do! They just keep griping until you start to wonder, "What's wrong with this idiout?" But they go on complaining and repeating what they've already said! Maybe they're not very self-aware. Boy, that's ANOTHER thing that gets on my nerves!
+19940115 We need more extension cords.
+19940116 The courageous Spaceman Spiff, interplanetary explorer extraordinaire, lands on yet another bizarre planet! Setting his death ray blaster on "frappe", our hero sets off in search of alien weirdness! Zounds! A mysterious mist materializes out of nowhere! The fearless Spiff can't see a thing! ... so we add two to four... OUR HERE'S IN A TOTAL FOG! The atmosphere here is a... a... p-powerful se... se... sedative! Spiff can't keep his eyes o... open. KLUNK zzzzz. Our hero suddenly comes to!
+19940117 OK, these are my footprints. Here I stop, hear something, and start to turn around. A few feet farther on, there's the impression of my body as I hit the ground. These are the powdered remains of the snowball that hit me. From the angle of particle dispersement, we can tell the snowball was thrown from over here, where we find... ...tiger tracks. Those could by ANYBODY's tiger tracks.
+19940118 POW! I must say, the stinging snow makes your cheeks look positively radiant. Some people sure can't take a compliment.
+19940119 Shrimp.
+19940120 Circumstantial evidence, that's all you've got! You can't get a fair trial in this town.
+19940121 I couldn't stand being a girl. I can't stand you either way. When guys grow up, they get to play with cards, sports equipment, cameras, stereos, electric tools... you name it. But girls don't get any toys when they grow up. Women just buy clothes and shoes. How boring. How sad. I guess girls actually mature as they get older. I can't wait until I'm old enough to "putter around".
+19940122 On the other hand, the neighbors keep planting nice been trees next to us.
+19940123 munch munch WHUNK! GAAAA!! GRRRRRRRR OOMF! munch munch. I'm still hungry. I fixed you a nice lunch. You can wait until dinner.
+19940124 Our lives are filled with machines designed to reduce work and increase leisure. We have more leisure than any man has ever had. And what do we do with this leisure? Educate ourselves? Take up new interests? Explore? Invent? Create? Dad, I can't hear this commercial. If it were up to Dad, leisure would be as bad as work.
+19940125 I KNOW I have hat hair, so you don't need to tell me. Actually, it's not that different.
+19940126 See? if you jump right, you don't need to waste time shoveling the entire walk.
+19940127 Test: 1. When did the pilgrims land at Plymouth Rock? 1620. As you can see, I've memorized this utterly useless fact long enough to pass a test question. I now intend to forget it forever. You've taught me nothing except how to cynically manipulate the system. Congratulations. They say the satisfaction of teaching makes up for the lousy pay.
+19940128 2. Where is Plymouth Rock? I am not presently at liberty to divulge that information, as it might compromise our agents in the field. I understand my tests are popular reading in the teachers' lounge.
+19940129 Gimme a quarter, Twinky. Your simian countenance unusually rich in species diversity. What? Here you go. That was worth 25 cents.
+19940130 Hey, there's some sort of remote control gizmo in this drawer. I wonder what it does. Click. WAAA! Mom?? Dad??? CALVIN! SIGHHH. Calvin, that's very annoying.
+19940131 Why is it that I can recall a cigarette ad jingle from 25 years ago, but I can't remember what I just got up to do?
+19940201 Eep! scritch scritch scritch scritch . You know, Mom blames ME for scuffing up the floor. I wish your parents would take out these floor boards and put down some sod.
+19940202 Look, Mom, I made you some subtitles. Hmm? When you're talking to me, you choose the appropriate card to translate what you're saying, and prop it against your feet for me to read. For example, if you say "Go to bed NOW," you can use this card, which says, "You've got ten minutes until I blow my stack." See? Then I'll know what you mean. I don't need translation! I've even got subtitles for parentisms like "You're going to poke somebody's eye out with that."
+19940203 Why are you following me around? Why are you following me around? And why are you repeating what I say? And why are you repeating what I say? If you're going to keep doing that, I just won't say anything. If you're going to keep doing that, I just won't say anything. The incredibly annoying human echo strikes again!
+19940204 Stop repeating everything I say.Stop repeating everything I say.Quit it. Quit it. I'm an ugly little maggot with lumpy gravy for brains! At least you have the courage to admit it. Sooner or later, everyone falls for that.
+19940205 How much longer are you going to repeat whatever I say? How much longer are you going to repeat whatever I say? OK then, just keep at it, Mr Annoying Human Echo. OK then, just keep at it, Mr Annoying Human Echo. "We can a priori and prior to all given objects have a knowledge of those conditions on which alone experience of them is possible, but never of the laws to which things may in themselves be subject without reference to possible experience." We can ah peoria and ...um... snow down, what? Hold on. Thbbpbptt! Cheater.
+19940206 OOMF! Cat nap, noun: a quick, light doze in the manner of cats. I KNOW what it means!
+19940207 You'll never get ahead by lying around, you know? Who are we racing? Obviously, we're... um... well... uh... I'm too busy to explain this stuff! I've got important work to do! VERY important! Let me know if you win.
+19940208 Oh yeah? Oh YEAH?? Well, remember what you said, because in a day or two, I'll have a witty and blistering retort! You'll be devastated THEN, I promise! Hmph. I wish I could think of comeback lines on the spot.
+19940209 Your whiskers are too unruly. You should wax them and make a handlebar mustache. AAAAAAAAAAAAA. You'd think a guy who cleans humself with his tongue would be open to grooming suggestions.
+19940210 Here's the latest poll on your performance as Dad. Your approval rating is pretty low, I'm afraid. That's because there's not necessarily any connection between what's good and what's popular. I do what's right, not what gets approval. You'll never kep the job with THAT attitude. If someone else offers to do it, let me know.
+19940211 Test: 1. What important event took place on December 16, 1773? I do not believe in linear time. There is no past and future: all is one, and existence in the temporal sense is illusory. This question, therefore, is meaningless and impossible to answer. When in doubt, deny all terms and definitions.
+19940212 YAAAAA. RRRRRR. OK, it's harder than it looks. Goodness, how did you guys ever live long enough to invent tools?
+19940213 The secret to enjoying your job is to have a hobby that's even worse.
+19940214 I wish I had amazing super powers. If you work and study real hard for years and years, you could develop the powers you already have. Maybe I can find a radioactive meteorite that mutates me into a living liquid. Try to find one that mutates you into someone with a work ethic.
+19940215 Mom and Dad don't value hard work and originality as much as they say they do.
+19940216 DING DONG. Heh heh heh. Oh! Oop! ...um... Hi, Mrs. Derkins. I was hoping Susie would answer the ...uh... I mean, um, I'm selling huge snowballs. Would you like to buy one? My "Plan A's" are great, but my "Plan B's" leave a lot to be desired.
+19940217 POW! LOOK OUT! My snowballs go faster than the speed of sound. They do not, you big liar!
+19940218 I wish this sled had a speedometer so we could know how fast we're going. I suppose we could measure the hill, time our descent, calculate our rate in feet per minute, and convert that into miles per hour. That sounds like math. Um, yes. Suddenly I stopped caring.
+19940219 What's THIS snowman? He's a paleontologist. He's looking for cretaceous snow dinosaurs. Why does he look so sad? He realized that snow doesn't fissilize. It just melts. Your nowmen lead tragic lives. Well, they're not very bright.
+19940220 Get going or you'll miss the school bus. Uh... greetings. My name is Calvin. POOF. Grittings. Ma name is Kahlfin. Grittings. Ma nam is Kahlfin. Um... yes! Well Calvin, here's your lunchbox. Have a good day at school. Hoffa gud tay. Lunboks. Hi Calvin. Grittings. Ma nam is Kahlfin. Heeryor lunkboks. Hoffa gut tay askool. Calvin's principal says to say hello. Huh boy. It troo! Dat darn Kahlfun stole ma spacechip!
+19940221 CALVIN, I'M LATE FOR WORK!
+19940222 How much is that tiger in the window? The one who does nothing but sleep? We'll spread him out flat in the rec room and have a new rug if he's cheap!
+19940223 Yes, Calvin? Why aren't you teaching us the gender of nouns? Is "desk" masculine? Is "chair" feminine? Foreign kids know, but WE don't! No wonder we can't compete in a global market! I demand sex education. ...I wonder if her doctor knows she mixes all those medications.
+19940224 YAWWW. Trifle not with tired tigers.
+19940225 I bet I can knock Dad's hat off with this snowball. I bet you can't/. Oh yeah?! How much? A hundred dollars. You're on, fuzzbrain. Get out your wallet! Boy, five inches higher would've done it. You ALWAYS get me in trouble. You owe me $2,500 so far.
+19940226 Why should OTHER people benefit from MY hard work?
+19940227 Ah, what a lovely day to go sailing, eh Marsha? Our new boat is just wonderful, Bradley. What do you say we drop anchor and go for a swim, dearest? That sounds delightful, darling! Let's go! Ploosh ploosh. AAA!! AAA!! This lake is boiling hot! We're getting scalded!! Get out of the water! AA! OW! AA! OW! I've got second degree burns all over! What kind of lake IS this?! We need medical attention, Bradley! Pull up the anchor! Bradley, we're going the wrong way! I can't help it, Marsha! The wind is blowing us over here, toward the... the... THE WATERFALL! OH NO! AAAAA! BLUB BLUB! AAAA! GLUB GLUB GLUB! Help, help! The wind is picking up again! Hang on! We're flying right out of the water! Don't look don, Marsh! We're miles high! Uh oh! The wind suddenly stopped!! AAAAaaaaaaaa. We ... we're alive! Somehow we landed in another lake! But where ARE we?? I have a bad feeling about this, Bradley. IT'S A GIGANTIC WHIRLPOOL!! WE'RE GOING DOWN! WAAAAAA!! Here's the problem. That'll be $150. Somebody ELSE is going to pay for this too.
+19940228 Should I stay inside or go out? It's awfully cold out, but I suppose I could bundle up. It looks windy though. But still, I'd like to go sledding. Then again, maybe I'd rather stay in. On the other hand... GO OUT AND CLOSE THE DOOR! The more indecisive I am, the faster things get decided.
+19940301 I like following the news! News organizations know I won't sit still for any serious discussion of complex and boring issues. They give me what I want: antics, emotional confrontation, sound bites, scandal, sob stories and popularity polls all packaged as a soap opera and horse race! It's very entertaining. Then commentators wonder why the public is cynical about politics. You can tell this is an in-depth story, because it's got an article next to the chart.
+19940302 I saw a sing on a restaurant door that said, "No shirt, no shoes, no service." But it didn't say anything about PANTS! If I went in wearing shoes and a shirt, but no pants, they'd have to serve me! They'd probably serve you with a court summons. C'mon, let's see if Mom will take us out for dinner!
+19940303 There! Whatcha doin'? I've hidden a cache of snowballs behind every tree in the yard! Now when my enemies come after me, I need only run to the nearest tree to be instantly armed. Ingenious. Now I need to make some enemies. I'll be one.
+19940304 It offends the human ego that nature is indifferent to us. Nature doesn't care if people live or die. It refuses to be tamed. It does whatever it wants and acts like people don't matter. It won't confirm our right to be here. That drives people crazy. We can't stand being ignored. It's insulting and ... hey! YAWWNN. I think that's also why some people don't like cats.
+19940305 I'm writing a novel. What's it about? It's about a guy who flicks through TV channels with his remote control. THEY SAY TO WRITE WHAT YOU KNOW!
+19940306 Look at all the stars! The universe just goes out forever and ever! It kind of makes you wonder why man considers himself such a big screaming deal. That's why we stay inside with our appliances.
+19940307 Take out your math homework and pass it forward, class. Boy, It's a good thing I did it. Huh?? My answers! They're running away! Come back! My homework paper!
+19940308 My homework exploded! Somebody pull the fire alarm! Help!! It's out of control! It's spreading! Aughh! Put it out!! Young man, I'm tired of these constant disruptions! It's not my fault! It was an accident! Maybe THIS will teach you a lesson! Ha ha ha! No! No! Ackk! Help! Get the PTA! Miss Wormwood's an alien!
+19940309 I'm doomed! It's too late! Nothing can save me now! I'm going down in flames! AAAAAAA
+19940310 AAAA GAAA!! Hehh... hoo... hah... hehh... ...it was just a dream... my homework didn't explode. I'm not... MY HOMEWORK! I FORGOT TO DO MY HOMEWORK! I wish he'd sleep outside.
+19940311 Hobbes, wake up! I forgot to do my math homework! It's two in the morning. But Miss Wormwood's going to collect it tomorrow! If I don't have it, she'll kill me! I had a nightmare about it! C'mon, we'll have to do the assignment now, while there's still time! This feels like a nightmare too. Do you think if we woke up Mom, she'd let us have coffee?
+19940312 Wow, listen to the wind howl. It's really snowing! Pretty creepy. Things are ALWAYS creepy at 2:00am. Hey, I'll bet tomorrow's a snow day! I'll bet they close the schools! Let's call the superintendent and see! If tomorrow's a snow day, we can go right back to bed! ...or maybe we will anyway. Who IS this?!? You have two seconds to improve my mood.
+19940313 No text
+19940314 Time to get up, Calvin. Is it a snow day? Did they close the schools? I've got the radio on, so we'll hear. Get ready anyway, though. Oh man, I hope I hope I hope. If school's closed, I'll have the whole day to do the math homework I forgot yesterday. If school's open, I'm in big trouble. Suddenly I feel extremely religious. Another deathbed conversion.
+19940315 Ha ha! They just announced the schools are closed! It's a snow day! WHEEEEEEE! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Talk about luck! Now you can do your homework and you won't get in trouble! Right, but there's over two feet of snow that requires our immediate and undivided attention. First things first. Math will still be there when the snow melts.
+19940316 Don't you think you'd enjoy this more if you did your math assignment first, so it wasn't hanging over your head? I'm a practical man, Hobbes. I don't waste time thinking about hypothetical situations. I heal with the world here and now. And the incontrovertible fact is that I'm outside in the snow! THAT's reality! THAT's what I think about! Tomorrow's a reality too. Hypothetically, it might be another snow day.
+19940317 What a busy day! I'm pooped! Mom says the roads are pretty clear, so school will probably open again tomorrow. NOW I wish I'd done my math homework instead of playing outside all day. ...or I wish I'd done it before dinner... or after dinner... or instead of watching TV... or before bed. But now it's too late. A day can really slip by when you're deliberately avoiding what you're supposed to do.
+19940318 Oh, I wish I'd done my math homework! Now the teacher's going to collect it and I'm as good as dead! Why did I do this to meyself?! I even had an extra day to get it done! Instead, I goofed off and now I'm going to pay for it! Boy, I've learned my lesson! This day has been nothing but dread, and I could've avoided it all! Here she comes! Goodbye, world! I'll collect your homework tomorrow, class. Susie, quick. Am I sitting in a beam of light? Looks more like a puddle of sweat. Why?
+19940319 I couldn't believe it! The bell rang just as the teacher was about to collect the homework I didn't do! That's twice you've been saved at the last minute. But I've learned my lesson THIS time. From now on, it's work before pleasure! No exceptions! And it will be a PLEASURE to have that homework done! C'mon, let's work on a snowman. No exceptions.
+19940320 Time! Wow, 15 minutes and 20 seconds! Ha! Beat that! Weekends don't count unless you spend them doing something completely pointless. GO!
+19940321 I'm determined to set the world record for having one's finger continuously in one's nose. I can't believe there's even such a category. In that case, call me "champ"!
+19940322 This piece of pie is awfully darn small! Life could be worse, Calvin. Life could be a lot BETTER, too! ...but worse is more likely.
+19940323 I've decided to suffer from low self-esteem. Is that a fact. From now on, my goal is to feel good about myself. You're going to work harder at everything and build character? No, I'm going to whine until I get the special treatment I like. I wonder if anyone else is as scared about the future as I am. I've found that immediate gratification is the only thing that helps me.
+19940324 Ewww! What's this, something scraped off the bottom of boots?? I'm not eating it! Calvin, I made this last week and you said it was your favorite meal of all time and you wished we could have it every day for the rest of your life! Well, now I hate it. Another day, another gray hair for Mom!
+19940325 I'm ho-oOAAUGH! KAPOW! Man, this was cat a-pulted! Hee hee hee! You're a riot, Hobbes.
+19940326 These colors really aren't enough, so I have to mix some to get the specific hues I need. See, here I start with a layer of brown. Then I add olive green and scrub a little orange and yellow ochre into it. Finally, I top it with lime green, purple and tan. Wow, perfect barf! You'd think that would be a standard color in a big set like this.
+19940327 You know, Hobbes, some days even my luck rocketship underpants don't help. Well, you've done all you can do.
+19940328 I don't like your face. Then don't look at it. I'd rather change it. Haw! I don't care about being accepted. I'd settle for being ignored.
+19940329 Greetings. I am Blor-Utar from Zimtok-5. I have come to subjugate the human race. Do not resist. Why humans? Because, in addition to their value as slave labor, they are also delicious and nutritious! Ha ha ha! But first, for your Earth customer of "Show and Tell", I will exhibit some of our terrifying weaponry. Snekk blog u-lar mekhh! Gahghh! Rk! All right, Calvin, that's quite enough. Miss Wormwood, shouldn't he be in some special school or something?
+19940330 When it snows, you can go sledding. When it's windy, you can fly kites. When it's hot, you can go swimming. But when it's raining... sigh... ... the only sport is driving Mom crazy.
+19940331 I thought I had a great idea. But it never really took off. In fact, it didn't even get on the runway. I guess you could say it exploded in the hangar. I've had ideas like that.
+19940401 ZZZZZZZZ How could you miss that? It was right TO you! You throw too hard!
+19940402 Ewww, look! This bug is eating another bug! Yukkk! Blecchh! Gross! Ick! Ick! Blbpbblpth! I can't believe I looked at that! Ew! Ew! Hacckkhh! Gaaacck! Great experiences are even better when they're shared.
+19940403 ...YAWWNN... OOMP! WAAAAAAAAAAA. LET GO OF ME, YOU MALEVOLENT, MUREROUS MORON!! It's MORNING! Now we can do stuff again! C'mon! Wheee!
+19940404 Where do we keep the extension cords? In the pantry. On the bottom shelf. Where do we keep the blades for Dad's electric saw? In the... why do you want to know? Huh? Oh, I'm just making an inventory list so we'll always know where to find things. I get the feeling there was no right answer to that question.
+19940405 Calvin, come out from wherever you are hiding and take your bath! DO YOU HEAR ME, CALVIN?! I MEAN NOW! OH NO! LOOK AT YOU! AUGH! GET OFF THE RUG! Like it was MY fault she hasn't gotten the chimney swept.
+19940406 Mom! Mom! I just saw the first robin of spring! Call the newspaper quick! Ha ha! A front page write-up! A commemorative plaque! A civic ceremony! All for me! Hooray! Hooray! Oh boy! Should I put the prize money in a trust fund or blow it all at once? Ha ha! I can't believe I did it! Calvin... It's a hard, bitter, cruel world to have to grow up in, Hobbes. Cheer up! Did I tell you I saw a robin yesterday?
+19940407 I sure like chocolate frosted sugar bombs! Look how brown the milk gets! Ugh. Want to see something weird? Look at the nutritional information on the back panel. Wow. 100% of the daily recommended allowance of caffeine! Hey look! You can send away for a chocolate frosted sugar bombs "Buzzy the Hummingbird" doll!
+19940408 Eenie, meenie, miney, moe! Catch a tiger by the toe! If he hollers, um... Uh... Heh heh... Who writes these dumb things anyway?
+19940409 County library? Yes, do you have any books on homemade bombs? That's what I said. I need a book that lists supplies and gives step-by-step instructions for building, rigging and detonating them. Well what about your other branches? Don't THEY have any books like that? Boy, and people wonder why kids don't read.
+19940410 Ugh, I hate going to the subconscious. Me too! Why doesn't anyone ever clean this dump? Here's a movie reel. I suppose it's as good as any. I grabbed these two. Let's get them back to central cognition. W can run this reel first. I hope these are ebtter than last night's movies. Hurry up! The lights are dimming! Help me thread the projector! Yikes, this is awful! Where did you guys FIND this? Oops, the next reel isn't even from the same film. Good! Put it on! This one is even worse! I guess it's some sort of suspense movie. Why can't we ever watch anything good? Maybe YOU should get the movies next time! AUGH! Monsters! Monsters! Turn it off! Too scary!! Quick, try another reel! This one makes no sense! What's going on?? Has this been dubbed from some other language? None of these make sense! We're splicing them all out of order. What a waste of time! The lights are coming back on! Show's over! Finally! I thought this would never end. Back to work! Man your stations! Full alert! Whoo, I had so many strange dreams! ... I wonder what they mean.
+19940411 I'M FREE! I'M FREE! At last! Home sweet ho... Oh no. Hoo hoo! That was a GOOD one! Look how far we landed! A house with a tiger is never home.
+19940412 Look at you! How could anyone get so dirty at school? I got this dirty just trying to walk in the front door! Ol' catapult butt was lying in wait for me. Well, it doesn't matter. You'd better get in the tub now anyway. A BATH?! But it's the middle of the afternoon! Yes, but I have to get in the shower before your Dad gets home, so HE can take one. Why all the baths? Is there some epidemic going around? I told you this morning we're going out tonight. Rosalyn will be here at 6:00.
+19940413 Look, I know you don't like Rosalyn, but she's the only babysitter I could get. And you remember our talk after what happened LAST time, don't you? I want you on your best behavior tonight.You do exactly what she tells you. I don't want to come home and hear any horror stories, OK? For goodness sake, Calvin! Take a breath before you pass out on the floor!
+19940414 What are we going to DO, Hobbes? Rosalyn will be here in just a few hours! Do you think she'll remember how you locked her outside last time? If she does, we're dead! She'll probably stick my head on a stake in the front yard as a warning to OTHER kids she baby-sits! I'm almost sure that would violate some zoning ordinance. Well, no matter what, we're in big trouble unless we think of something FAST! I suppose we could try being GOOD. I must've gotten water in my ear. WHAT did you say? Nothing. Forget it.
+19940415 Hi Rosalyn, come on in. Thanks for coming again. No trouble. Hi Rosalyn! You don't need to worry THIS time. Calvin will be on his best behavior tonight. Even so, I'd like an advance. An advance? But... But... Dear, may I speak with you for a moment? But we GAVE her an advance on tonight when she LEFT last time! I don't care. Just pay what it takes to get us out of here!
+19940416 OK, we're going. ... and Calvin? Yes? GCKKHHK! I think I'll sit in the middle of the floor and look at the wall tonight. Good. I'll tell you when it's bedtime.
+19940417 The fearless Spaceman Spiff, interplanetary explorer extraordinaire, gazes across the forbidding landscape of an uncharted planet! What dangers lie ahead for our hero? What horrible aliens inhabit this world? What strange adventures await the intrepid Spiff? What bizarre occurrence will our hero be the first to witness? The suspense! ...Our hero chucks a few rocks. ...sighhh... If you couldn't find any weirdness, maybe we'll just have to MAKE some! Now yer talkin'!
+19940418 This is awful! If we step out of line ONCE tonight, Rosalyn will kill us, and then Mom and Dad will kill us again when they get home. I guess that's that. What?! Admit defeat? NEVER! Things may look grim for us, but NOTHING is grim for... ...STUPENDOUS MAN! Champion of Liberty! Foe of tyranny! I'm going to get in bed now and avoid the rush.
+19940419 A bolt of fiery crimson streaks across the sky! It's STUPENDOUS MAN! The fiendish baby sitter girl has a local household in her iron grip of terror! The man of mega-might zooms to the rescue! I'm in luck! Baby sitter girl is momentarily distracted! Hi Charlie, it's Rosalyn. Yeah, I'm over at the little monster's house again. Hmm? No, actually he's been pretty good tonight. Yeah, I can't believe it.
+19940420 Anyway Charlie, I'm sorry we couldn't go out tonight, but this little creep's parents are so desperate to get away from him once in a while that they... YAHH! FREEDOM AND JUSTICE SHALL ALWAYS PREVAIL OVER TYRANNY, BABY SITTER GIRL! Get off me, Calvin, you pest! Ow! Let go! Quit it! STUPENDOUS MAN has the strength of a million mortal men! Give up! Listen Charlie, I'm going to have to call you back. You wouldn't believe what this cretin is wearing. With muscles of magnitude, STUPENDOUS MAN fights with heroic resolve!
+19940421 OK Calvin, you want to play rough, huh? Great moons of Neptune! She must have super powers too! You've got TWO seconds to get your caped butt in bed, or I'll put it there for good! Oh no! The evil Amazon is using some psycho-beam to weaken my stupendous will! I'm counting! ONNNNE... *Gasp* I... I... must resist! TWO! In a vermillion flash, STUPENDOUS MAN is in the air!
+19940422 With stupendous speed, STUPENDOUS MAN is out the door! All right, Calvin! Where'd you go?! I know you're out here! Your parents told you to BEHAVE tonight, remember?! They're not going to be happy when they hear about THIS! See, if we had bought a dog instead, like I wanted, we could go out like this all the time. Honey, we came here to relax. Let's talk about something else.
+19940423 There is no way I'm getting paid enough for this kind of aggravation. How could a kid with such little legs go so fast?! Secure in his secret fortress, STUPENDOUS MAN plans his strategy! Baby sitter girl is no match for STUPENDOUS MAN's stupendous intellect! Calvin, you're in big trouble if you don't come out! You made it back alive! Of course! I made a stupendous dash as soon as Rosalyn went around the house! She STILL doesn't know where I am!
+19940424 Bwa ha ha ha ee hee hee hee hee ehh heh heh heh ... a little more... a little more... PFOOSH! AAA! I won't fill this one so full. There! Perfect! heh heh. Dark knot! Ackk blpp! Stop it! Pbtt! It's too slippery! Ackpth! Blp! Now look, it's almost empty! I'll have to fill it again. Stupid balloon. ...a little more... ah! Perfect! IT SLIPPED OFF! FWOOSH.
+19940425 There goes Rosalyn around the house again. She still doesn't know you sneaked back inside. Now I'll change back into my secret identity alter ego! Uh oh. She saw the light on in this room. She's coming in! Quick! Get in the covers! Pretend we've just been reading in bed! But she knows you attacked her and ran outside half an hour ago! That was STUPENDOUS MAN! Not mild-mannered Calvin! I'VE been in bed with my PJs since 8:00. You think she's going to believe THAT? My covers are here. My pajamas are HERE. It's as plain as can be!
+19940426 All right! I found you! Found?? Why, what do you mean? I've been in bed reading all evening with Hobbes. Don't give me that! You just now sneaked inside, took off your silly costume, and jumped in bed! I know what you did! Well you're gonna get it NOW, bucko! Oh yea? What are you going to do to me, huh? You can't send me to bed when I'm already IN bed! Sorry to spoil your fun, you eel! OK. Downstairs! MARCH! Hey, you can't take me OUT of bed! I need my SLEEP! Hey! Hey!
+19940427 While your Dad is taking Rosalyn home, perhaps YOU'D like to explain what happened tonight. Gosh Mom, what's to tell? At 8:00, I put on my pajamas, brushed my teeth and went straight to bed. Nothing happened. And this? Uh... LIES! All lies! Rosalyn made me do that just so I'd get in trouble! She hates kids! None of that is true! I went straight to bed! Nice try, Pinocchio. Well, who'd have thought Rosalyn would make me write a full confession?!
+19940428 No TV for a week! What injustice! They think they've won, but they haven't! I'LL show 'em! I REFUSE to learn a lesson! I'm indomitable! They can't change me! I'll sit in front of the TV all week even if I can't turn it on!
+19940429 Dad, will you explain the theory of relativity to me? I don't understand why time goes slower at great speed. It's because you keep changing time zones. See, if you fly to California, you gain three hours on a five-hour flight, right? So if you go at the speed of light, you gain MORE time, because it doesn't take as long to get there. Of course, the theory of relativity works only if you're going west. Gee, that's not what Mom said at ALL! She must be totally off her rocker. Well, we men are better at abstract reasoning. Go tell her that.
+19940430 Mom, can we go out to the highway? Do what? See, I'll put on my roller skates and tie a rope from the car bumper to my waist. Then when I give you the high five, you patch out while I ride behind at 55 mph! What do you say? Can we go? I sure wish YOU could drive.
+19940501 Hobbes have me the story idea. Flip the pages again! This was MY book!
+19940502 Wow! Nobody is on the swings! I can't believe it! Ha ha! I almost NEVER get a swing at recess! This is great! No one is telling me to hurry up! Higher! Higher! Whee! ... either this is my lucky day, or I missed the end-of-recess bell again.
+19940503 Hey Calvin, didn't you sign up to play baseball at recess? No, why? You must be the only boy who didn't. All the others are playing in the back fields. You mean I'm the only boy on a playground full of GIRLS?! It sure looks like it. Want to ride on the teeter-totter with me? Oh no! I'm in COOTIE CENTRAL! I haven't had my shots! Relax. Stupidity produces antibodies. Air filter! Air filter!
+19940504 Why didn't you sign up to play baseball like the rest of the boys? Didn't you like sports? I dunno. I'd just rather run around. I hate all the rules and organization and teams and ranks in sports. Somebody's always yelling at you, telling you where to be, what to do, and when to do it. I figure when I want THAT, I'll join the army and at least get paid.
+19940505 Hey, lookit the sissy who didn't sign up for recess baseball. I'm not a sissy! Oh yeah? You'd rather play dolls on the playground with girls. I wasn't playing with dolls! Sure you weren't! Let me see your Barbie doll, you sissy wimp! I'm not a wimp! In fact, I was going to the office to sign up for baseball right now! Then again, if I'm not a wimp, why am I taking the path of least resistance?
+19940506 I signed up to play baseball every recess and I don't even like baseball that much. I mean, it's fun playing baseball with just YOU, because we both get to pitch, bat, run and catch all at once. We get to DO everything. Mostly we just argue over the rules we make up! That's the part I like! But this will be with TEAMS and assigned positions and an umpire! It's BORING playing it the REAL way! Do you have know HOW to play the real way? See, that's another problem! Suppose they make me a halfback. Can I tackle the shortstop or not?
+19940507 I hear you signed up to play softball at recess. Yeah, but I didn't even want to. I just did it to stop getting teased. Well, sports are good for you. They teach teamwork and cooperation. You learn how to win graciously and accept defeat. It builds character. Every time I've built character, I've regretted it! I don't WANT to learn teamwork! I don't WANT to learn about winning and losing! Heck, I don't even want to COMPETE! What's wrong with just having fun by yourself, huh?! When you grow up, it's not allowed. All the more reason I should do it NOW!
+19940508 DING DONG. I'm coming, I'm coming. AAAA! I OPENED THE DOOR AND MY BIKE GOT IN!! HELLPP! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!! IT'S AN UNBALANCED BICYCLE!! SOMEBODY GET ME A SPOKE WRENCH! Hehh hoo hehh hoo. BACK! BACK! SLAM. Ha! You can't get me now! AIEE! TIRE TRACKS ON THE RUGS! OIL ON THE COUCH! WHERE'S THAT KID?! Someday the neighbors will look out and wonder why there's a grown up man wearing a kid's clothes on our roof.
+19940509 Come ON. Calvin! We were supposed to have left a half-hour ago. WHERE are we going? For the hundredth time, we're going to a wedding. Now get in the car. Your Dad's waiting. But what if I forgot something? We're only going overnight. You'll get by.
+19940510 Turn around! We forgot Hobbes! Stop the car! We can't turn around, Calvin. We're late already. But DA-AD!! You could've been ready on time and had all your things together, but you put up a fuss about going, made us late, and you forgot your tiger. It's your own fault. You'd turn around if we'd forgotten MOM! That's because she's the only one who knows where the place is. Har har.
+19940511 When is this dumb wedding going to be over?! I don't even KNOW these people. This would be a lot more fun if Hobbes was here. I can't believe we left him at home. I hope he's OK. What's he going to eat? We didn't leave any food out, and we'll be gone almost two whole days! Hobbes will be starving! I think I'll let Dad go into the house first.
+19940512 Hey, Mom, how do you make a long-distance call from our motel room? Don't play with the phone, Calvin. Who on earth do you want to call? Hobbes. I want to make sure he's OK. Hobbes isn't going to answer the phone. Don't be silly. You'll see him tomorrow. But he's probably all lonely! I'm sure he's having a good time. I hope he isn't renting some movie that I wanted to see.
+19940513 Mom, I can't sleep. I'm sure you can if you just lie quietly. But Hobbes isn't here. Tigers are very comforting. I always fall right asleep when I listen to Hobbes breathing. Well, you can listen to your Dad snoring. That's Dad? I thought theose were trucks down-shifting on the highway.
+19940514 Well, we're finally home! HOORAYY! Now I get to see Hobbes! Boy, I didn't think we'd EVER get home. The whole trip was one long complaint about leaving Hobbes behind. Next time we should take the tiger and forget the kid. Gosh, it's drafty in here... The window's smashed! Look at the glass! SOMEBODY BROKE IN!! HOBBES! FIND HOBBES!
+19940515 I ordered the two tons of tenderloin. Oh yes. Drive around to the loading dock and I'll get the forklift. Calvin, lunchtime! Mayounnaise?! I like mustard! Maybe you should fix your OWN triceratops sandwich.
+19940516 Oh my gosh!! Somebody broke into our house!! I'll call the police! WHERE'S HOBBES? I can't believe this is happening! Look at this room! HOBBES! Oh, I KNEW we shouldn't have left him here! Mom, I can't find Hobbes! Help me find him! What if... what if they... It's OK, Calvin. Calm down. I'm sure Hobbes is here somewhere. I don't think anyone would steal a suffed tiger. C'mon, let's go look. But Hobbes is so TRUSTING... sniff
+19940517 The police say they'll send someone over. Have you figured out what all is missing? No, we're looking for Hobbes. Calvin's almost hysterical. I feel a little hysterical myself. Ooh... I hope the police get here quick. I'm scared. This is one of those things you always figure will happen to someone else. ... Unfortunately, we're ALL "someone else" to someone else.
+19940518 Hobbes? Hobbes? Where are you?? I TOLD Mom and Dad we left Hobbes behind... I TRIED to get them to turn around and come back... and NOW look, Hobbes was all alone when our house was broken into! Mom says Hobbes wouldn't have been stolen because he's not valuable. ...(sniff) Well, I think he's valuable.
+19940519 Hobbes? Are you down there? You've got to be SOMEwhere! HERE HE IS, CALVIN! I FOUND HOBBES! You FOUND him! Is he OK?? He's not hurt, is he? He's fine. He was under the bed covers. Hobbes, I'm so glad to see you!! You're safe and sound! (sniff) And now, I am too! It looks like we're a whole family again. Such as it is, yes.
+19940520 ... and the television's gone, too. Do you happen to have the serial number? I'll bet the burglars got scared off when they saw there was a tiger in the house! Hobbes was here the whole time! Calvin, not now, OK? I'm busy. Nobody sticks around long when he sees a tiger, that's for sure! Mandibles of death, that's what Hobbes has! Roght. Why don't you go tell your Mom? Maybe Hobbes should look at some mug shots. Can we go to the station and identify suspects? Huh, can we? DEAR! I sure meet some weirdos in this job.
+19940521 I've swept up most of the glass from the window. OK, I'll get something to cover up the hole. Do you think it's safe to stay here tonight? Suppose the burglars come back! The police said they'd drive by, and we'll leave lots of lights on. Ugh, its so creepy knowing these goons have been in our house. I don't feel safe at all. I known. And this must REALLY be scary for a little kid like Calvin. Gosh, I can't wait to tell everyone at school how our house got robbed. Be sure to say who scared the burglars away after they took the TV and jewelry.
+19940522 Look, a snake! A big one! You think it's poisonous? Beats me. How can you tell? If it bites you and you die, it's poisonous. Har har. Look how it glides along. It's almost like a liquid. I wonder how they do that. He's flicking his tongue out. I think that's how they smell, but why would they smell with a tongue? Do snakes have eyelids? Do they sleep with their eyes open? Don't snakes eat mice? How could a snake swallow something bigger than its own head? Heck, we don't know ANYTHING about snakes. Maybe your Mom would get us a book. Yeah, let's go see! We'll be experts! We'll learn all there is to know! Hey, wait a minute! It's summer! I'm on vacation! I don't want to LEARN anything! If nobody makes you do it, it counts as fun. Hmm... you really think so? Cooooooll.
+19940523 Is Calvin asleep? Yes, he's snuggled up with Hobbes. Boy, I don't know how I'M ever going to sleep. Me neither. I can't get over what's happened. The idea of some crazy stranger going through our house... BRRRR!! I wish I had a big stuffed animal to feel safe with. I guess you'll have to do. So what do I get to snuggle? How come I'M the grown-up??
+19940524 This is going to be a long night. My heart jumps at the slightest sound. It's almost 2, and I'm wide awake. When someone breaks into your home, it shatters your last illusion of security. If you're not safe in your own home, you're not safe anywhere. A man's home is his castle, but it shouldn't have to be a fortress.
+19940525 Are you still awake too? Mm-hmm. I was thinking. It's funny... when I was a kid, I thought grown-ups never worried about anything. I trusted my parents to take care of everything, and it never occurred to me that they might not know how. I figured that once you grew up, you automatically knew what to do in any given scenario. I don't think I'd have been in such a hurry to reach adulthood if I'd known the whole thing was going to be ad-libbed.
+19940526 Well, at least we weren't in our home when our house was broken into. No one was hurt. We're all together and OK. We lost a few of our nice things, but things don't matter much really. It's hard to believe how often we forget that.
+19940527 Can I be excused now? You didn't finish your dinner. Well, I didn't like it very much, and there's this TV show I want to watch, so... Our TV was stolen, remember? Gosh, I guess I'll eat my asparagus, do my homework, and go straight to bed, then. And we're so proud of how you handle adversity.
+19940528 This is where our television used to be. But we don't have a TV any more. Now we have a blank wall to watch. So here I am, not being entertained. A pointless existence, huh? I mean, the wall is even plain old WHITE!
+19940529 ..h-hott.... ahhhh. ...not again...
+19940530 Good news, Hobbes! I'm starting a secret club, and you can be in it! Oh, boy! It'll be great! We'll think of secret names for ourselves, secret codes for our secret correspondence, a secret handshake,... We'll have a secret club-house with a secret known to get in, and we'll do big secretive things! Why all the secrecy? People pay more attention to you when they think you're up to something.
+19940531 OK, the first thing we need is a name for our secret club. Let's call it "The Hobbes Fan Club"! THE HOBBES FAN CLUB?! GIVE ME A BREAK! I'M SURE! This is a top-secret society! The name should be something mysterious! Something vaguely ominous and chilling! Something like "The Sinister Icy Black Hand of Death Club"! I still like my idea better.
+19940601 I got it! We'll call our club G.R.O.S.S. - Get Rid Of Slimy girlS! That way, Susie Derkins can't join! Is she slimy? ALL girls are slimy. Now the first order of business is to elect officers. I get to be president! I get to be president! Oh, no you don't! This whole club was my idea, so I get to be president. OK, then I get to be king and tyrant. Hey, no! THAT'S what I want to be! You can be President.
+19940602 Hi, Calvin! What are you doing, making paper hats? Can I make one, too? Don't be ridiculous. This is the official chapeau of our top-secret club, G.R.O.S.S. - Get Rid Of Slimy girlS! "Slimy girls"?! I know that's redundant, but otherwise it doesn't spell anything. Now go away. GIRLS AREN'T SLIMY! Don't get gunk on me. I took bath last Saturday and I'm all clean.
+19940603 I can't believe you started a secret club just to exclude girls! There's nothing wrong with girls! See, Hobbes? Girls are so emotional. You're the meanest, most rotten little kid I know! Well, fine! Play with your stuffed tiger! See what I care! I don't want to play with a stinker like you anyway!! Wow, what a great club!
+19940604 OK, we've got a sign for our secret club, so now we need to find a secret meeting place. I know! We can set up a card table in the garage! That would be perfect for drawing up maps and stuff! Hmm, there's not much room with the car here. Let's push it into the drive. Shouldn't you ask your Mom to move it instead? Nahh. She won't care if we push it out. C'mon. In the past, you've been a remarkably poor judge of what your Mom cares about.
+19940605 We all want meaningful lives. We look for meaning in everything we do. But suppose there IS no meaning! Suppose life is fundamentally absurd! Suppose there's no reason or truth, or rightness in anything! What if nothing means anything? What if nothing really matters? I guess there's no harm in a little wishful thinking. Or suppose EVERYTHING matters. Which would be worse??
+19940606 Help me push the car out of the garage. I can't budge it myself. I still think you should ask your Mom to move it. Then she'd probably say no, and we won't have the garage for our clubhouse! But if you DON'T ask her, we'll get in trouble. We won't get in trouble! Every time you say that, we go. Mom wouldn't care about these things if she wouldn't keep finding out about them.
+19940607 Look, stop being such a baby and help me push the car into the driveway. We'll move it 10 feet. What could possibly go wrong?! Whenever you ask that, my tail gets all bushy. Oh, knock it off. Mom will be glad we did this ourselves and didn't bother her. Well, she DOES hate to be bothered. Right. Now push! Push! Hey, the car's not stopping! STOP! STOP! I think you're Mom's going to be bothered.
+19940608 STOP THE CAR! IT'S STILL ROLLING! The driveway must be slanted downhill! It's going faster! WHOA! WHOA! Jump in and pull the emergency brake! I can't catch the door! Oh, no! Oh, no! It's going to go into the road! Don't follow it! LOOK OUT! WILD CAR!!
+19940609 I haven't seen Calvin for about 15 minutes now. That probably means he's getting in trouble.
+19940610 The car is rolling into the road!! What if someone hits it?!? LOOK OUT! LOOK OUT! THERE'S NO ONE DRIVING!! THERE IT GOES!! I can't watch! GRUNTCH Nobody hit it! It just went into the ravine across the street! Hooray, we're dead.
+19940611 Oh man, oh man, oh man. Oh man. What do you suppose a car like this costs? I'll bet at LEAST $75. Oh MAN.
+19940612 Oh boy! It's bedtime! SPROINGG. WOOOOOO. WULP! FWAPP SHOONK SWOOOSHHH SPLOOSH WAA! SHOOP THWUPP OOF! ...ahhh. Bedtime. Let's go. Aww, I hate getting ready for bed.
+19940613 My life is flashing becore my eyes. Yeah, I doubt your parents figured you'd wreck their car before you were 16.
+19940614 What are we going to do?? We'll never get the car out of the raving. Should we act surprised, like the car just rolled here by itself? Maybe Mom and Dad would fall for that. Or maybe they won't even notice if we just don't say anything. You think? I can be packed in five minutes. OK, I'll try to get the maps out of the glove compartment.
+19940615 Hi, Mom! Hobbes and I are back! Do I have any clean clothes? I mean, I'm just wondering. I'm going to make myself a few dozen sandwiches! Uh... I'm REALLY hungry! No need to get up, or look, for example, out of the window! Just stay where you are for another 10 minutes! What's the matter with you? AAUGHH! Ha ha ha ha! Nothing! Uh, why do you ask??
+19940616 I got a couple of sandwiches made, but I think Mom was getting suspicious. Are you packed? We'd better go! Should I take the yo-yo or the bubbles? ... or both? HOBBES, COME ON! We'll be lucky to get out of here with our LIVES! Mom's bound to look outside any minute now and see the car in the ditch! If we're not in the next county by then, it's curtains! Let's GO! Where's a freight train when you really need one?
+19940617 POOF POOF POOF POOF POOF OK, (POOF)... I think we've got enough of a head start. We can rest a minute. Do you think your Mom has seen the car by now? Probably. She's probably called Dad at work, and he's probably on his way home now!
+19940618 Well, we're surely in some other state by now. Let's stop here. Boy, it never once occurred to me that I'd be spending the rest of my life on the lam. Speaking of lamb, what kind of sandwiches did you bring? How can you think of eating? I'm so worried I feel sick. Really? Can I have your sandwich too? Six years old and a fugitive from justice. I can't believe it.
+19940619 Hup. PTCHOO AAA! Thpkxx! Hayfever season isn't ALL bad. You thig id's fuddy, bud id's dot. SLAM. Thxxxptb!
+19940620 What's going on. I wonder. Why are all those cars slowing down as they go by? Gosh, did someone have an accident? It looks like there's a car in the ditch! ... but I don't see anyone by it. And how on earth did they go in straight backward? To do that, the car would've had to come... ...right...out...our...driveway!
+19940621 Well, Mom's sure to have found the car by now and guessed what we did. Now I know what they mean when they say you can't go home again.
+19940622 What's that sound? I don't hear anything. There! Something is crashing through the brush! It It sounds big! Maybe it's a bear! There are BEARS out here?? Climb the tree! Climb the tree! If you ask ME, tigers are the only ferocious animals the world really needs. "Boy, 6, killed by bear! Parents saved the trouble."
+19940623 Do you think we're safe? Should we climb higher? It's hard to say with bears. There it is! The bear's coming out of the brush! Oh no! It looks like it's on its hind legs! Bears stand up only when they're really mad!! Wait, that's not a bear. That's your Mom! AAUGHH! EVEN WORSE! CLIMB HIGHER! CLIMB HIGHER!
+19940624 THERE you are. Come down so I can talk to you. No. You'll kill us. We're running away. I'm not going to kill you. I just wanted to find out what happened. Are you OK? Was anyone hurt? No one was hurt. We were pushing the car into the drive and it kept rolling. The car didn't hit anything? It just went across the road and into the ditch. That's when we took off. Well, the tow truck pulled it out, and there's no damage, so you can come home now. First let's hear you say you love me.
+19940625 Boy, Hobbes, isn't it funny how things sometimes work out? Mom and Dad saw right away that what happened to the car was an accident. They were so relieved no one got hurt that all we got was a lecture on safety and asking permission. They didn't even raise their voices. Parents are inscrutable, huh? Send their car over a ditch and you don't even get yelled at. ...but try keeping live worms in your Dad's... Let's not talk about that, OK?!
+19940626 My Mom and Dad are not what they seem. Their dull appearance is part of their scheme. I know of their plans. I know their techniques. My parents are outer space alien freaks! They landed on Earth in spaceships humongous. Posing as grownups, they now walk among us. My parents deny this, but I know the truth. They're here to enslave me and spoil my youth. Eary each morning, as the sun rises, Mom and Dad put on their earthling disguises. I knew right away their masks weren't legit. Their faces are lined - they sag and don't fit. The Earth's gravity makes them sluggish and slow. They say not to run, wherever I go. They live by the clock. They're slaves to routine. They work the year 'round. They're almost machines. They deny that TV and fried food have much worth. They cannot be human. They're not of this Earth. I cannot escape their alien gaze, and they're warping my mind with their alien ways. For sinister plots, this one is a gem. They're bringing me up to turn ME into THEM!
+19940627 CLICK. Pander to me!
+19940628 Playing a record? I'll show you something interesting. Compare a point on the label with a point on the record's outer edge. They both make a complete circule in the same amount of time, right? Yeah... but the point on the record's edge has to make a bigger circule in the same time, so it goes faster. See, two points on one disk move at two speeds, even though they both make the same revolutions per minute!
+19940629 On your mark... get set... GO! I'M going so slow, I'm moving BACKWARD! I'm winning! That's cheating!
+19940630 Hello? Hi Dad! Calvin, is this important? Oops. Wait. Foget I called you "Dad", OK? This isn't Calvin. Calvin, I've got work to do. I'll see you when I get home. OK? Goodbye. Wait! Do you have any crimes to report? Phooey. This secret identity stuff is hard to get used to.
+19940701 Want to see something cool? I've got a baby tooth that's just hanging by a thread... and I can turn it all the way around with my tongue... or make it swing from side to side! See? See? They're all just jealous.
+19940702 LOOK! I don't see anything. You missed it. Well, I'm done. What did he see? An opportunity.
+19940703 BLOGG! Ukh huggablukk Spiff! Spiff?! Blecckh blecckh! We join our here, the courageous Spaceman Spiff, as he flees the awful bug beings of Zartron-9! Spiff's only chance is a daring strategy of head-to-head combat! Our hero swings around and readies his computer-guided death-ray blaster! ..tum te tum tum... I wish this booted up faster. C'mon, c'mon. There we go. Let's see. Get the "file" icon... double click on "blaster"... Hmm, pull down "settings"... get the dialog box... click on "rays"... select "death"... hit "OK". Hey, what's the matter? Why didn't my screen change?! Hit "F1" for "help"... "About blasters"... nope... "Calibrating blasters"... nope... " "charging the fizzler"... no... "fizzling the charger"... no... "incineration guidelines"... oh, this is annoying! Oh wait, I didn't enter the number of volts! That's it! Type in "gazillion", hit "OK". What?! "Invalid setting". DARN! Go back to "volts", highlight "gazillion", press "Delete", type in... KRAKK. SPIFF IS HIT! HE'S GOING DOWN! Hey, why won't this boot up? Has somebody been playing with this thing?! The whole thing went down, Dad. Luckily I jumped clear at the last second.
+19940704 Can I be excused? There's a TV show I want to see. We're still eating dinner, Calvin. I'M through. This stuff was awful. I want to go watch television. It's impolite to leave the table in the middle of a meal. So what am I supposed to do? Just sit here and watch you guys chew?! I'll miss my show! Your TV show isn't as important as spending some time together as a family. We'll compromise. I'll go watch a sitcom family. In a minute you're going to discover the difference between those and real life.
+19940705 My TV show is starting. I'm missing my show! I'm sure your instinct for survival will kick in shortly. What's the big deal about dinner?! Why can't I go watch TV? Lots of people watch TV while they eat! Calvin, dinner is the one time during the day that we set aside to be together and talk. There's more to being a family than just living in the same house. We need to interact once in a while. We could all argue over what channel to watch. You know what I mean.
+19940706 I've missed half of my TV show now. I hope you're happy. You shouldn't be planning your life around the TV anyway. Hmph. Look, I don't think it's too much to ask that we sit together for 40 minutes without distractions and interruptions. RINNGG! I'll get it! I'm expecting a call. Go ahead, Dad. I believe you were saying something funny. I have all these great genes, but they're recessive. THAT'S the problem here.
+19940707 C'mon Hobbes, we have to go outside. We HAVE to? Yeah, Dad won't let me watch TV. He says it's summer, it's light late, and I should go run around instead of sitting in front of the tube. Can you believe it?! What a dictator. How cruel it is to be forced to play. I'LL show him. I refuse to have fun.
+19940708 OK, next we'll race to that tree over there. THIS race will determine the championship of the universe. Oh... wait. How long have we been out here? I dunno. An hour maybe. Really? Geez. Where does time go?! Hang on, I'll be right back. I'M NOT HAVING FUN!
+19940709 It's getting dark, Calvin. Time to come in and go to bed! But Hobbes and I were catching fireflies. Can't we stay out a little longer? Ha! First you didn't want to go out, and now you don't want to come in! See, by not watching TV, you had more fun, and now you'll have memories of something real you DID, instead of something fake you just WATCHED. Nothing spoils fun like finding out it builds character.
+19940710 Did you know that nobody on our street sets an alarm clock in the morning? Shut up.
+19940711 Hop in, Hobbes! We're going to get rich! Oh no, I'm not getting into that box. I don't want to be transmogrified or duplicated or whatever. What? When the TOP is open, it's a time machine, remember? Even worse. Oh, don't be such a baby. The way you act, you'd think the dinosaur actually GOT us last time. Why, it wasn't even a carnivore. I don't care. You and that box are plain bad news.
+19940712 Too bad you're not going back to the jurassic with me. An opportunity like this doesn't come along every day, you know. The less often, the better, is what I say. We're just going on a photo safari! When we come back with REAL dinosaur photos, we'll get rich! You can drop the "we" stuff. I'm not going. OK, well, I guess I'll have to eat all these great snacks myself then. Snacks? What kind of snacks? Are they GOOD snacks? How many snacks did you bring?? Never mind! You said you're not going.
+19940713 I guess if we get to have snacks, it would be OK to time travel. If they're GOOD snacks, I mean. Great! Put on your vortex goggles. The dial is set for 140 million years ago. So OFF WE GO-O-O! I have a question. Why don't we get younger as we go back in time, and disappear as we pass the day we were born? I'd explain it, but there's a lot of math. I thought you got a "D" in math.
+19940714 Is it time for snacks yet? Hobbes, we're travelling at light speed through an interdimensional continuum lapse! Wait till we land! OK, I'll just inventory the snacks and record them for the journal. You COULD help me drive, you know! If we miss our exit, we could fly right into the big bang! What would happen then? There'd be no universe, and probably now time! I think we should eat the snacks NOW. Sit still, will you? You'll make me swerve.
+19940715 There's a diplodocus! We're in the jurassic! We made it! Ugh. I can't believe you wanted to come back here. Last time we didn't bring a camera. All we need is a few good dinosaur photos and we'll be rich when we get home. If we get in National Geographic, maybe I'll get to meet some of those tigress babes they showed in the April issue! Yow wow! Those were females? Really, I don't know how you can even tell the difference.
+19940716 Hey! There's a chance to get some pictures of some stegosaurs! See, these photos will answer hundreds of questions about dinosaur anatomy and behavior! Paleontologists will pay through their nose to see these! Take a picture of this one. He's smiling. Just a minute. Just a minute.
+19940717 The big, stupid ultrasaur takes a long drink... a VERY long drink! The ferocious allosaur is thirsty too! This means confrontation! ..ah heh heh... Fortunately, this allosaur is the patient type. Don't make me smack you across the hall, twerp.
+19940718 What's THIS ugly brute called? AN ALLOSAUR! I'm right here. You don't need to shout. RUN! When we get back to the time machine, throw him the snacks we packed! Maybe that will diver him while we take off! You can throw YOUR snacks. I might still want mine. You're going to be a snack yourself! Get in! Get in!
+19940719 Quick! Thow him the food! My sandwich had mustard. Is this one yours? Put on your vortex goggles! We're taking off! Eww, this banana is mushy. He can have THIS. We did it! We're off! Here. Boy, that was a close call. Bit it will be worth it when we get these pictures developed. Since I rescued your sandwich, can I eat it?
+19940720 Hey Mom, guess where Hobbes and I have been! I SAW where you were. You were playing in a cardboard box out back. Nope! That's just what it LOOKED like. We time travelled to the jurassic, but we returned at the split second we left! That's why it didn't look like we were gone! We saw lots of dinosaurs! Well, you've had a productive morning then. Yeah. Will you take this film to be developed? I'll pay you back
+19940721 Hobbes, look! We got our pictures back from our jurassic trip! Oh boy! Let's see! Wow, these came out good! Look at that apatosaur! There's me! There's me! Yes! Yes! We're RICH! Ha ha! Now we can get our own apartment! This dinosaur blinked. I'll buy a car too, but since I can't drive for another decade, we'll have to get a chauffeur. If we pay him, he has to let us sit up front and beep the horn, right?
+19940722 Well Dad, it's too bad you weren't any nicer to me all these years. Beg pardon? Yep, I can't say I'm particularly including to share my future millions with you. Here, look. Dinosaurs? Hobbes and I went to the jurassic today and came back with these dramatic photographs! We're going to be rich. I didn't realize dinosaurs looked so small and plastic. HEY, WHAT ARE YOU INSINUATING?!
+19940723 Dad doesn't believe we went to the jurassic and took photographs of real dinosaurs. He says it looks like we just put my toy models in the yard and took pictures of THEM! He says our get-rich-quick scheme won't work. Huh! He said if we REALLY wanted to get some money, he'd pay us a dollar to pull weeds out of the front walk. Just a dollar? Of course I told him we didn't want the money THAT bad.
+19940724 I hate Sundays. The day of is ruined by knowing I've got to get ready for school tomorrow. Why don't we get your chores done NOW, so we can enjoy the rest of the day without worry? Hmm... I hate to delay fun, but maybe you're on to something. This will make the fun MORE fun. At last! We got everything bad out of the way! There you are. It's time for bed. See if I ever listen to YOU again! Never put the low priorities first.
+19940725 A toast to us! To us! Best friends forever! Right! CRUNCH CRUNCH CRUNCH CRUNCH
+19940726 Hi Dad. I suppose you're wondering how you're doing in the polls. Not really. I think you'll find THIS chart quite revealing. This line represents the "Average Dad approval rating" of 70%. This overlay shows YOUR approval rating at just under 10%! Household six-year-olds were polled on their favourite bedtimes. Watch on these successive overlays how your rating would improve with each hour later! See, by midnight, you're right up to normal! These findings suggest a logical course of action. How long do you spend making these charts?
+19940727 My tiger, it seems, is running 'round nude. This fur coat must have made him perspire. It lies on the floor - should this be construed as a permanent change of attire? Perhaps he considers its colors passe, or maybe it fit him too snug. Will he want it back? Should I put it away? Or use it right here as a rug? Z. I wonder when school starts.
+19940728 People don't understand me. They don't realize I'm a card-carrying genius. You have a card? Oh absolutely. See, it says "Calvin, certified genius." Wow, you have a certificate? Well, not really, but no one every checks those things. I just say it's at the frame shop. Pretty smart. I'm a genius. How did you emboss this card? With a screwdriver?
+19940729 AAHH! How am I supposed to learn surgery if I can't dissect anything?
+19940730 You know what cracks me up? Ants RUN everywhere! It's like they all think they have to be somehwere on time! See, they never walk or poke along. They go everywhere at top speed! Isn't that silly? C'mon around back. I'll show you something else!
+19940731 The center snaps the ball to the quarterback! No he doesn't? NO! Secretly, he's the quarterback for the other team! He keeps the ball! A traitor! Calvin beaks for the goal! Whee! He's at the 30... the 20... the 10! Nobody can catch him! Nobody WANTS to! You're running toward your own goal! Huh?! When I learned you were a spy, I switched goals this is YOUR goal and mine's hidden! HIDDEN?! You'll never find it in a million years! I don't need to find it! As a traitor to your team, crossing MY goal counts as crossing YOUR goal! Ah, you might THINK so... In fact, I KNOW so! But the place I hid MY goal is right on top of YOUR goal, so the points will go to ME! But the fact is, I'm really a double agent! I'm on your team after all, which means you'll LOSE points if I cross your goal! Ha ha! But I'M a traitor too, so I'm really on YOUR team! I WANT you to cross my goal! The points will go to YOUR team, which is really MY team! That would be true... IF I were a football player! You mean...? I'm actually a badminton player DISGUISED as a double-agent football player!! And I'M secretly a volleyball-croquet-polo player! Sooner or later, all our games turn into Calvinball. No cheating!
+19940801 With a distant rumbling, great thunder clouds pile high into the sky! Suddenly there's a blinding flash of light! It's Calvin the lightning bolt! In a fraction of a second, the house below will be in a million pieces! I know it's raining out, but play a board game or something.
+19940802 Every day it's the same old thing. ... but not today! Everybody's a slave to routine.
+19940803 Can I get some contact lenses? Your eyes are fine! You don't need contacts. Yes I do! They have some that change the color of your eyes! Your eyes are very pretty the way they are. But if I had contacts, I coul dmake one eye blood red and the other yellow striped, like a bug. I dunno, it seems like once people grow up, they have no idea what's cool.
+19940804 Geez, I gotta have a REASON for everything?!
+19940805 Boy, when it's THIS hot, I don't want to do anything at all! Fortunately, that was our plan from the start.
+19940806 ME, TARZAN! KING OF THE JUNGLE! THUMP THUMP. Nice underpants. Does your Mom know you're over here like this? I don't think Jane EVER said that to Tarzan.
+19940807 The intrepid Spaceman Spiff is stranded on a distant planet! .. our hero ruefully acknowledges that this happens fairly frequently.. To survive, Spiff must... ...find... food! Spiff follows a scavenger mordon! Perhaps there's a fresh kill nearby! Ughhh! The stench! Our hero becomes a vegetarian on the spot! But the grasses are indigestible! The fruit is poisonous! There's nothing to eat at all! Weak and despairing, Spiff peers into a frozen geyser pit! What's down there? Ice cream sandwiches! Our hero is saved! That's not very healthy. I only need to survive until I escape, our hero mutters grimly.
+19940808 Off to work, eh, Dad? Yep. It sure is a nice day. The kind of day just made for sitting under a tree and reading a good novel cover to cover, don't you think? Too bad that's a luxury at your age. Well, maybe you can do it when you're 65. I'm sure you'll be that old before you know it. Enjoy your day at work. Dad sure is surly in the mornings.
+19940809 You know what's weird? I don't remember much of anything until I was three years old. Half of my life is a complete blank! I must've been brainwashed! Good heavens, what kind of sicko would brainwash an infant?! And what did I know that someone wanted me to forget?? Boy, am I mysterious. I seem to recall you spent most of the time burping up.
+19940810 MOM! There's a big horsefly on the back of your head! Don't move! I'll get it! I'll get it! Is it still there? You didn't move, did you? Get away from me!
+19940811 Arr! We're bloodthirsty pirates! Avast, ye scurvy dogs! Hoist the jolly roger and ready the plank! Here. What's this? Our booty!
+19940812 Hey, Mom, did you know that gravity in outer space works as if space was a soft, flat surface? It's tru. Heavy matter, like planets, sinks into the surface and anything passing by, like light, will "roll" toward the dip in space made by the planet. Light is actually deflected by gravity! Amazing, huh? And speaking of gravity, I dropped a pitcher of lemonade on the kitchen floor when my roller skates slipped. How can kids know so much and still be so dumb?
+19940813 You know. The world should've been designed so everyone didn't have to eat each other to survive. There should just be fewer people and animals to begin with. And the world certainly could've used a more even distribution of its resources, that's for sure. I wonder why nobody consulted you. Incredible, isn't it?
+19940814 The world isn't so bad if you can just get out in it.
+19940815 Calvin the hummingbird zips by with a loud whir! Although small, he puts out tremendous energy. To hover, his wings beat hundreds of times each second! What fuels this incredible metabolism? Concentrated sugar water! He drinks half his weight a day! ... preferably loaded with caffeine. Are you drinking more soda pop?!
+19940816 "Once upon a time there was..." Hold it. What's the matter? Has this book been a best seller? Has the author won a Pulitzer? Did the New York Times like it? I only want stories that come highly recommended. Are there any laudatory quotes on the dust jacked? Ahem... "Once upon a time there was a noisy kid who started going to go to bed without a story." Has this book been made into a movie? Could we be watching this on video?
+19940817 What are you doing? I'm practicing my sneers. There's nothing like a good sneer to dry up conversation. How's mine look? Awful! Thanks. With this sneer, I hope to be an unbearable burden at any social occasion. That will give you a real head start on beeing a teen-ager. I know! It's like getting seven extra years!
+19940818 WHAP! Too late! I made another home run. (pant pant) I'm quitting if we don't stop using this tennis ball.
+19940819 AAAGH!! You should be more alert! You wouldn't last two seconds in the jungle. THAT'S WHY I LIVE HERE, YOU DOLT!
+19940820 What are you doing down there, Calvin? Shh, Mom! Go away! Susie's coming down the walk and I'm going to throw some crab apples at her. Oh, no, you're not! Put those down! AWWW, MOM! Don't throw crab apples at ANYone. They're hard and you could really hurt someone. OK, OK. What are you doing there, Calvin? Shh, Susie! Go away! I'm going to throw this squishy old tomato at my Mom.
+19940821 I love fall. I like the cool days, the smell of leaves, the low sunlight... and the sky looks even more blue when the trees are yellow and red! I dunno... I think autumn is melancholy. Summer is over and in a week or two, everything will be hunkered down for the long, bleak winter. Nothing lasts. Fall is just the last fling before things get worse. If good things lasted forever, would we appreciate how precious they are? I like to have everything so good, I can take it all for granted. I think the brisk air makes apple pie taste better too! Mm-mm!
+19940822 Do you support the free expression of ideas in our society? Sure. That's first on our bill of rights. So you would be against censorship and suppression of ideas you found distasteful. Right. You've got to take the bad with the good. So you wouldn't object to me being exposed to art, movies or music that some people think is offensive and shocking, right? OK, first let me explain about our responsibility to be culturally educated and able to MAKE critical distinctions about... YOUR STALLLLING!
+19940823 Hmmmm rub rub rub GRR SNARLL Hmmmm rub rub rub
+19940824 Sometimes I feel like our life has gotten too complicated... that we've accumulated more than we really need... that we've accepted too many demands... Well, Thoreau says, "Simplify, Simplify". Maybe that's what we need to do. But how? I hate it when they look at me that way.
+19940825 Hello? Hi Dad! It's me, Calvin. Calvin, unless this is REALLY important, hang up, OK? I'm very busy. OK, Dad. Goodbye. This should qualify in another 15 minutes.
+19940826 Calvin, I asked you to clean up your room. I DID! Well, you didn't do a very good job, then. It looks as messy as it did before. You should take pride in what you do, and always do the best job possible. I don't need to do a better kob. I need better P.R. on the job I DO.
+19940827 Huhh UHH! I wouldn't be worried about this if he was a better student.
+19940828 My, what an ugly tree? AAAGH. Where the heck did my leaf pile go?! It went back home! Don't you have anything bigger than a rake??
+19940829 Mom wants me to make my bed. Come help me, OK? OK. You get some pencils, and I'll get some big paper! I thought we were making the bed. And do all that work?!? No, we're going to invent a robot to make the bed FOR us! Won't inventing a robot be more work than making the bed? It's only work if somebody makes you do it.
+19940830 How are we going to invent a robot? We don't know anything about machines. Maybe YOU don't. It's easy. There are just four simple machines to alter force. The lever, the pulley, the inclined plane, and, um, the internal combustion engine. Take my workd for it, I'm an expert at inventions. So where do we start? We ask Mom for a research grant.
+19940831 Hi, Mom. Can I look at your wallet for a few minutes? I, uh, want to see something. Hold on. Did you make your bed like I asked you? I'm working on it. As I recall, your bed is in your room. I'm inventing a robot to make the bed, but I need a grant. Can I have $50? What'd she say? Did you get the money? Boy, when we're the cover story of popular mechanics, I'll have some choice words to say about family encouragement.
+19940901 OK, the first thing our robot needs is a head. Should we use a coffee can? No, that's too small. The head has to hold his tape recorder. See, I've made recordings for the robot's voice! Really? Sure! This way, our robot not only communicates, but we can also "program" him to have the proper personality! Personality? Right. Robots should be RESPECTFUL. *click* How may I ease your life, oh grand exalted master?
+19940902 Hey, Dad, I'm inventing a robot. Can you get me a patent? You invented a robot? Well, here it is so far. Hobbes and I have been working on it all afternoon. It's not quite perfected yet, but you get the idea. Hmm... what does it do? That's the problem. We haven't figured out how to make it do what we want. Don't get discouraged. Your Mom and I got the same results after working on YOU for six YEARS. Har har. My attorney is a comedian.
+19940903 Well, Hobbes, we might as well give up. I can't figure out how to make a robot. This one doesn't do anything. It's past your bedtime, Calvin. You'll have to leave your toys for tomorrow. OK, Mom. Our robot wasn't working out anyway. Gosh, and we spent all day on it, too. I thought for sure our robot would save us from making the bed. And in a way, he DID! Hey, yeah! We're geniuses!
+19940904 YAWWNN.
+19940905 Your Mom sure was cheerful this morning. Hmph. I've never seen her humming and sashaying around the kitchen like that. Hmph. How long have we been waiting for the bus now? About two and a half hours. I think Mom put me out here this early on PURPOSE.
+19940906 Hi, Calvin! Aren't you excited about going to school? Look at all these great school supplies I got! I love having new notebooks and stuff! All I'VE got to say is they're not making ME learn any foreign languages! If English is good enough for ME, then by golly, it's good enough for the REST of the world! Everyone should speak English or just shut up, that's what I say! You should maybe check the chemical content of your breakfast cereal. They can make me go until grade eight, and then, FFFT, I'm outta here!
+19940907 The fearless Spaceman Spiff is being pursued across the galaxy by dreaded scum beings! They're gaining! Spiff's only chance to lose them is to release a giant smoke cloud behind his spacecraft! Our hero throws the lever! Heh heh... just uh, clapping the erasers, heh heh... (cough) You again? *sighhhh* I can't believe it's not even 8:30 yet.
+19940908 I want that truck, Twinky. It's mine, Moe. I brought it from home. I said gimme the truck. Moe, you can't just TAKE things from people just because you're bigger! I'm not taking it. You're GIVING it to me because we'll both be so much happier that way. How touching.
+19940909 What a day. I'M HO-O-AAAH! KAPOWWW!!! Things get so darn quiet when you're not around. There's going to be some ruckus NOW, buddy-boy!
+19940910 Is it? It IS! It's SATURDAY! Oh boy! No school! No homework! Just cartoons and fun the whole day long! HOORAY! Turn on the TV! Get out the cereal! IT'S SAAATURDAY! You're getting up? It's barely light out! I'm going to the office and get some sleep.
+19940911 I'm home! ...sighhhh... My life could stand a lot more pizzazz. Tell me about it.
+19940912 Help me with this homework, OK? What's 6+3? 6+3, eh? Well, this one is a bit tricky. First, we'll call the answer "Y", as in "Y do we care?" Now, Y may be a square number, so we'll draw a sqare and make this side 6 and that side 3. Then we'll measure the diagonal. I don't remember the teacher explaining it like this. She probably doesn't know higher math. When you deal with high numbers, you need higher math. But this diagonal is just a little under two. OK, here, I'll draw a bigger square.
+19940913 Hey, no comic books until you finish your homework. I DID finish. That didn't take very long. Did you do a good job? I did a GREAT job. When you're as far ahead of the class as I am, it doesn't take much time. We'll see about that when I get back from my parent-teacher conference with Miss Wormwood. You're going to talk to my teacher? I'm sure it will be an informative meeting. Gosh, I forgot to tell you! Miss Wormwood said I was so good, you didn't need to bother coming, really! She said you don't have to go!
+19940914 Oh man! Mom went to a parent-teacher conference! I'm as good as dead. Miss Wormwood will tell Mom all sorts of horror stories about me! Horror stories? Well, it's a question of perspective. Still, I think I should be allowed to have a lawyer present at the meeting. What are you going to say when your Mom gets back? Nothing. Nothing at all? Buddy, if you think I'm even going to BE here, you're crazy!
+19940915 I'm home. How was your meeting with Calvin's teacher? Well, when we got to the classroom, we saw that all the kids had drawn self-portraits in the art class, and had left the pictures on their desks so the parents would recognize their child's seat. That's a cute idea. Did you find Calvin's picture? There was one drawing of a green kid with fangs, six eyes, and a finger up his nose. Uh oh. The meeting went downhill from there.
+19940916 Calvin, I... YIKE!! You're home! I didn't even finish pack... that is, um... LIES! Everything Miss Wormwood said about me was a lie! She just doesn't like me! She hates little boys! It's not MY fault! I'M not to blame! She told you about the noodles, right? It wasn't me! Nobody saw me! I was framed! I wouldn't do anything like that! I'm innocent, I tell you! What noodles? Oh... Uh... Ha ha! Did I say noodles? You must have heard wrong. I didn't say noodles.
+19940917 OK, Calvin, let's check over your math homework. Let's not, and say we did. Your teacher says you need to spend more time on it. Have a seat. More time?! I already spent ten whole minutes on it! Ten minutes shot! Wasted! Down the drain! You've written here 8+4=7. Now, you know that's not right. So I was off a little bit. Sue me. You can't ADD things and come out with LESS than what you started with! I can do that! It's a free country! I've got my rights!
+19940918 Now if it would only snow! While we're waiting, I'll draw more spirals above Susie's head.
+19940919 A small red spacecraft breaks through the cloud cover of Mysterio system planet 6! At the controls, it's none other than our fearless hero, Spaceman Spiff! Piloting over the lifeless world, he reflects on his unusual mission... QUIZ 1. 6+5= ... to somehoe crash planets 6 and 5 together!
+19940920 In a scientific mission to discover what happens when two planets collide, Spaceman Spiff drops anchor! The anchor catches on a hillside! Spiff downshifts and guns the motor! Imperceptibly at first, the planet slowly moves, towed along by our hero, until... ...breaking orbit, planet 6 picks up speed, hurling towards planet 5!
+19940921 Pulled by Spaceman Spiff, planet 6 is about to collide with planet 5! With no time to lose, our hero cuts loose the anchor and flies to safety! The planets crash, grinding and shattering with awful force! Planet 5, being smaller, is crunched to dust! Only 6 remains! 6+5=6. Time! Pass your papers forward. TIME?! I just finished the first problem!
+19940922 How can our time be up?! I just did the first problem on this quiz! Where did the time go?? Guess! Guess! Pick random numbers! Maybe a few will be right by sheer luck! 15! 104! 3! 27! Hand it in, Calvin. Your time's up. SIGHHHH. Don't forget we have a bet on who gets the higher grade. The bet's off! I don't gamble! No bets!
+19940923 I got a perfect score on my quiz. You got a perfect score? What did YOU get? If you missed any, you owe me 25 cents. I ran out of time! I'd have had a perfect score too if I'd had a few more minutes! What did you get? It's biological! Girls mature faster than boys! You just got a better grade because you're a girl! It's not fair! Pay up. Maybe it's opposite day! Maybe all these X's mean that my answers are correct! Maybe your "A" is really an "F"! That must be it! I win the bet!
+19940924 How did you do on your math quiz? I flunked it... but only because I ran out of time. The worst part, though, was that Susie Derkins won our bet on who'd get the better score. I had to pay her 25 cents. But get this! I cheated her! I only gave her three dimes! Ha! I think you're better study harded. Oh, now don't YOU start on me.
+19940925 No text
+19940926 Look, Hobbes, I cut a piece of cardboard to make a TV screen. See, I just hold it up like I'm on TV. Wow, your own show! Too bad I can't really force my way into millions of people's homes each day. But on the other hand, no one ine THIS home can turn me off!
+19940927 So what's it like being on TV? It's great! Now that I'm on television, I'm different from everybody else! I'm famous! Important! Since everyone knows me, everything I do now is newsworthy. I'm a cultural icon. I think your antenna needs adjusting. Watch, I'll use my prestige to endorse a product!
+19940928 Hi, I'm Calvin, eminent television personality, here to tell you about new improved "Chocolate frosted sugar bombs"! I love 'em! They're crunchy on the outside, chewy on the inside, and they don't have a single natural ingredient or essential vitamin to get in the way of that rich fudgy taste! Mm-mm! Yes, kids, you'll like 'em so much, you won't be able to sit still! Remember! It's the cereal I get paid to recommend because I'm famous! What do you think? Are you filled with the desire to emulate me and eat the cereal I endorse? If not, I can repeat this every 20 minutes. Don't you threaten ME.
+19940929 Hi Mom! I've got my own TV show! That's nice. He's Ca-a-alvin! Amazing, great Ca-a-alvin! Oh, he's the one that you'd like to meet! He's the one who just can't be beat! He's ca-a-alvin! La data da daaaaa! Thank you! Thank you! Boy, what an audience! Thank you! Please! Ha ha! No, really, sit down! Thank you! Thank you! I'm changing the channel, OK? Sorry, I'm on all the networks.
+19940930 Where's your TV screen? My fall lineup got cancelled. Dad said one TV in the house was bad enough, and he preferred the one with the volume control. Maybe you should go cable. I've got an idea for a sit-com called "Father knows zilch".
+19941001 What a rip-off! They say if you connect these dots you get a picture. But look! I did it and it's just a big mess! I think you're supposed to connect them in the order that they're numbered. Oh. Everything's gotta have rules, rules, rules!
+19941002 Doesn't it seem like everybody just shouts at each other nowadays? I think it's because conflict is drama. Drama is entertaining and entertainment is marketable. Finding consensus and common ground is dull! Nobody wants to watch a civilized discussion that acknowledges ambiguity and complexity. We want to see fireworks! We want the sense of solidarity and identity that comes from having our interests narrowed and exploited by like-minded zealots! Talk show hosts, political candidates, news programs, special interest groups... they all become successful by reducing debates to the level of shouted rage. Nothing gets solved, but we're all entertained. Hmm, you may be right. What a boring day THIS turned out to be.
+19941003 33... 27... 18... HIKE! AUGHH! It's clear I'll never have a career in sports until I learn to suppress my survival instinct. Touchdown!
+19941004 What this game needs are negotiated settlements.
+19941005 How come YOU'RE the one who goes to work, and not Mom? Well, your Mom USED to go to work, but once you came along, someone had to stay home. Your Mom's job had a lot of stress and aggravation, see, ... and she wanted to quit? No, she'd gotten used to it, so we figured she should be the one to... HEY!
+19941006 Get off the swing or I'll punch your lights out. What a sissy! Haw! Years from now, when I'm successful and happy, ... and he's in prison... I home I'm not too mature to gloat.
+19941007 Give me a nice smile. That's good. Now don't make a face, OK? Ready? One... two... thre... click. Click. *click*
+19941008 Oh, great altar of passive entertainment... bestow upon my thy discordant images at such speed as to render linear thought impossible!
+19941009 See any weirdness yet? How about this rock? It has a purple stripe. Hmm... I guess that's a LITTLE weird. We'll look for something weirder. What do you think of this stick? It's a strange stick, but not a weird stick. It's too bad there aren't any good bugs out now. Yes, bugs are usually weird. Hey, here's a bird feather. It's pretty. But it's not weird. A bald bird would be weird. I don't see one. Look! A ripped-up old kite! Some kid must have lost this last summer! Phooey. The string broke here. I was hoping we'd find the kid's skeleton up a tree at the other end. THAT would be weird. Well, let's go in. I'm cold. Me too. I guess some days weirdness is hard to find. My glasses are fogged and I can't blow my nose, but my heart rate is the envy of men half my age! Weirdness always starts at home. Even when you look for it, you're never prepared for it.
+19941010 Here it is 8:00 and we have to go to bed already. Somebody's always running my life. I never get to do what I want to do. What would you do if you could stay up? I dunno... something FUN! Whatever Mom and Dad get to do!
+19941011 That cloud of stars is our galaxy, the milky way. Our solar system is on the edge of it. We hurl through an incomprehensible darkness. In cosmic terms, we are subatomic particles in a grain on an infinite beach. I wonder what's on TV now.
+19941012 Everyone takes me for granted! Nobody pays any attention to my needs! Is it too much to ask for an occassional token gesture of appreciation?! OK, how about a big hug? Could I have 20 dollars? See?! I don't matter to anyone! Nobody cares about me!
+19941013 Hobbes, do you think our morality is defined by our actions, or by what's in our hearts? I think our actions SHOW what's in our hearts. I RESENT THAT!
+19941014 They say winning isn't everything, and I've decided to take their word for it.
+19941015 I STAND FIRM IN MY BELIEF OF WHAT'S RIGHT! I REFUSE TO COMPROMISE MY PRINCIPLES! I don't NEED to compromise my principles, because they don't have the slightest bearing on what happens to me anyway.
+19941016 POW! Did you throw that snowball at me?! What snowball? Ohhhh. Don't play innocent with ME, buster! That snowball had your name written all over it! Oh yeah?! Yeah! It was sneaky, fiendish, vicious, treacherous, grim, and ruthless! Put all that together and it spells "tiger"! No it doesn't! It spells "Calvin's new name is Mr. Stupid Soggyshorts!" Ooh, THAT does it! Ow! Hey! Stop that! Quit it! Leggo! No fair! No biting! Hey Calvin, you should have seen your expression when I hit you with that snowball! Ha ha! Ah hehh...
+19941017 Have you seen my shoes? I thought I had them out right here. Your shoes? I don't know. They WERE right here. Where could they have gone? We're going to be late. Well I can't goe anywhere without my SHOES. Help me look. They're not leaving US behind with a baby sitter tonight!
+19941018 DING DONG It's ROSALYN! Answer the door, will you please, Calvin? Hi Roz. My parents have changed their minds about going out, so we won't be needing your services. Goodbye. Hi, Rosalyn. What are you talking about, Calvin? You can't go out if Mom can't find her shoes, right? And what do YOU know about THAT? Uh, nothing! Ha ha! Um, why? Are her shoes missing? I'd like to be paid in advance tonight.
+19941019 Phooey. Mom and Dad left. Now we're here alone with the baby sitter from the black lagoon. Hee hee! Do you think she remembers how last time we threatened to flush her science notes down the toilet? Ha ha ha! Our finest moment. OK, you, get in bed. WHAT?! It's not even 6:30! She remembers, all right. She can't get away with this. We'll call the rescue squad.
+19941020 Rosalyn? What are you doing out of bed? I thought I heard something outside. I didn't hear anything. It was kind of a thump. Will you go look, and make sure it's not anything scary? I'll check, but I didn't hear any thump. Yes... yes! Go out the door! Two more steps! Oh please, oh please! Yes, yes, yes! See? There's nothing out here.
+19941021 See, Calvin? There's nothing out here. But I KNOW I heard something! Go look, OK? Please? OK, if it will make you feel... HEY! SLAM THIS WAS A TRICK?! WHY YOU SNEAKY LITTLE DROP, I'LL GET YOU!! Hobbes! I locked her out! Now we can watch TV and eat cookies till we're SICK! Oh boy! This is the best we've EVER been baby sat!
+19941022 CALVIN, WILL YOU LET ME BACK IN THE HOUSE THIS INSTANT! Don't worry, Rosalyn! There's only a 50% chance of rain tonight! Ha ha! She's trying to open the downstairs windows. It's OK. I already locked them up. YOU OPEN UP THAT DOOR! Hey Roz! What's in your purse? Mind if we look??
+19941023 Let's try this path over here! I don't see a path. We'll MAKE a path! Huh boy. Change is invigorating! If you don't accept new challenges, you become complacent and lazy! Your life atrophies! New experiences lead to new questions and new solutions! Change forces us to experiment and adapt! That's how we learn and grow! Whoops... well, HERE's a fresh challenge. I'll admit it's opened up new horizons. The problem with new experiences is that they're rarely the ones you choose. I feel smarter already.
+19941024 CALVIN, I'M, TELLING YOUR PARENTS ABOUT THIS! NOW LET ME IN! Pipe down, will ya Roz? Hobbes and I can hardly hear the TV! You're not supposed to BE watching television! Hey, if you go rent us a VCR and a mobie, we'll put the TV near a window so you can watch too! LET ME IN! Are you 18? You could get us "Venusian Vampire Vixens"!
+19941025 CALVIN! Hang on, Roz. The phone is ringing! I hope it's your parents! I hope they ask to talk to me! Boy, you'll be in trouble THEN! It's your boyfriend, Charlie! Should I tell him that you're indisposed? Ha ha! No! LET ME TALK TO HIM! Say chas, don't you think you're settling for too little in the girlfriend department?
+19941026 Isn't it great to get out of the house alone together for a change? It's so nice and quiet. We should do this more often. CALVIN, YOU'VE GOT FIVE SECONDS TO OPEN THE DOOR BEFORE I BREAK A WINDOW! I'm telling you Chuck, your girlfriend is a psycho! I hope you're not makingany long-range plans around her.
+19941027 Wow, this is fun! All the TV shows we're not allowed to watch, and a bag of cookies each! SLAM! Hey, what was that? AAUGH!! ROSALYN! H-how did YOU g-get in?? *gulp* whoops, I think it's past my bedtime.
+19941028 It was all a misunderstanding! An innocent mistake! Let me explain! Calvin, listen closely. Locking Rosalyn out of the house wasn't just MEAN, it was DANGEROUS. If you'd hurt yourself or if there was a fire, she wouldn't have been able to help you. You go apologize to Rosalyn right now. I-I'm sorry, Rosalyn. And we're sorry too. I PROMISE you Calvin will behave himself next time. An extra five would help there BE a next time.
+19941029 Boy, did I get in trouble. Stealing Mom's shoes and making Mom and Dad late... then locking the baby sitter out of the house... whoof. That's a lot to live down for just one evening. I feel pretty bad. And having eaten a whole package of Oreos doesn't help. You said it.
+19941030 Wow, it really snowed last night! Isn't it wonderful? Everything familiar has disappeared! The world looks brand new! A new year... a fresh, clean start! It's like having a big white sheet of paper to draw on! A day full of possibilities! It's a magical world, Hobbes, ol'd buddy... ...let's go exploring!
+19941031 Another gorgeous, brisk fall day. What a waste to be going to school on a morning like this? What would you do if you could stay home this morning? Sleep right through it.
+19941101 WHOA WHOAA WHOOOP BONK AHHHH! OOH! It COULD'VE happened by accident!
+19941102 Don't sit next to me, Calvin. I don't want to hear any disgusting comments about lunch. Relax. I won't talk about lunch at all. Instead, do you want to hear a riddle I made up? A riddle? OK. What's the difference between a garden slug and a two-inch-long living booger? EWW!! I can't think of a difference either.
+19941103 Get off the swing, Twinky. Forget it, Moe. Wait your turn. PUNCH! It's hard to be religious when certain people are never incinerated by bolts of lightning.
+19941104 I'M HOME! There's no point in saving your lunch bags if you can't keep them cleaner than THIS! That's what YOU think.
+19941105 ... tranquil Mt. Calvin... Suddenly, with a shaking rumble, he blows sky high! He's a live volcano! Geysers of molten lava spray into the heavens! I TOLD you that chili sauce was hot! GLUG GLUG GLUG Yechh, he spewed it all across the table!
+19941106 Outrage! Why should I go to bed? I'm not tired! It's only 7:30! This is tyranny! I'm ZZZZ Good night, Calvin. Will you check for monsters under the bed? No monsters. You're safe. What about the dresser? Calvin, I'm sure there are no monsters in your dresser. Go to sleep. Great. I'll bet that's where they all are. They'll come out and kill us as soon as we fall asleep. So who's going to fall asleep? Well, we'll just have to get the monsters first. You irritate them with this horn, and I'll nail 'em with my dart gun when they come out. Get ready! I hear one coming! What's all the noise?! AAIEEE!! A monster in the hallway!! Dear will you come up here a minute? I think I wounded him. Give me the bat and I'll finish him off!
+19941107 Hi Susie. What did you bring for lunch today? A swiss cheese and ketchup sandwich. It's my very favorite, too. So I don't want to hear what gross thing YOU brought. Relax, Susie. I bought cafeteria lunch today. Good. It appears to be cigar butts in a gallstone sauce. That's beany-wienies! Really? Oh gross.
+19941108 Hello? Hi Dad. It's me, Calvin. You're supposed to be at school! I AM at school. Are you all right? What's the matter? Why are you calling? I told the teacher I had to go to the bathroom. Quick, what's 11+7?
+19941109 I was reading about how countless species are being pushed toward extinction by man's destruction of forests. Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.
+19941110 What are you DOING?! You're going to be late for school! Hurry up and put your clothes on right. It's sad how some people can't handle a little variety.
+19941111 I wonder why man was put on earth. What's our purpose? Why are we here? Tiger food.
+19941112 Z Z SNAP A little high-strung, are we? We tigers all it lightning quick reflexes
+19941113 No! goodness, what was all that fuss? Oh, Calvin didn't want to take his bath. What a noisy kid! I'm doomed. I can't believe my own parents would do this to me! AH-HA! I've got you now, kid! AAUGH! Help! Quick! Momm! HA HA HA! Have a drink! Hellp! Gurgle blub. Calvin! Quiet down and quit splashing! I don't want to have to clean the whole bathroom. Ha! I pulled the plug! Down the drain with you! Die, fiend! Die, die!! Don't tell me he's letting out the water already! Believe it lady.
+19941114 Hello, is your Dad there? No, he isn't. OK, will you write down my number and have him call me? Hold on. I need a pen. POW! AGHH! I've been shot! I hate taking messages.
+19941115 Mom, do we have a shoe box I could have? It's for a school project. I think so. Let's see. Here's one. What are you going to do with it? I'm supposed to make a diorama. We're studying the different ecosystems and I'm going to make a desert scene. That sounds interesting. I'll need some glue and paper and stuff too. I'm going to build a cactus and a roadrunner. When is this due? It was due today, but I told the teacher I wasn't quite finished.
+19941116 Wow, Mom sure turned into the conniption queen when she found out I hadn't neve started my diorama project when it was already due today. So this is one day late! What's the big deal?! It's not as if LIVES hang in the balance, right? The fate of the universe doesn't depend on turning in a shoe box desert scene on time! That's keeping things in perspective. Even if lives DID hang in the balance, it would depend on whose they were.
+19941117 This is hopeless! How am I supposed to create a desert scene in this shoe box when I don't even know what a desert looks like? I'VE never been to a desert. Mom and Dad never take me anywhere fun on vacations! If they'd taken me to a desert sometime, I'd KNOW this stuff! Why don't you get out a book? And go to all that TROUBLE?! Yeah, sure! Look, I'm a busy guy! I've got other things to do with my life besides THIS, you know! Right. Why waste time learning, when ignorance is instantaneous? My TV show starts in 20 minutes. Are you going to help me or ont?
+19941118 Mom, where do we keep the papier-mache? We don't have any. Oh great! Just GREAT! How am I supposed to make a roadrunner without papier-mache?! Maybe you should have thought of that before 7:00 at night. You'll have to make one some other way. BUT HOW?! This is YOUR school project, Calvin. YOU do the work. If I get a bad grade, it'll be YOUR fault for not doing the work for me!
+19941119 How's the diorama coming along? I'm almost finished. That didn't take too long. That's because I'm a genius. I don't see the roadrunner. Weren't you going to put one in? See the cotton balls I glued down? Yeah? The roadrunner just ran out of the scene, leveing those clouds of dust!
+19941120 Our hero, the valiant Spaceman Spiff, is marooned on a strange world ... I'll set my Mertilizer on "deep fat fry." Calvin! You're not paying attention! ... we join Spaceman Spiff on the distant planet Zorg ... Gronk! Argh! Trapped by a hideous Graknil, Spiff draws his trusty atomic napalm neutralizer! Chew electric death snarling cur! But the weapon is useless! Spiff is doomed!! Our hero makes a break and ducks into a nearby cave! Weeoo! What's that awful smell? Eep! Who was that? Beats me, Fred.
+19941121 You've never had an obligation, an assignment, or a deadline in all your life! You have no responsibilities at all! It must be nice! Wipe that insolent smirk off your face! The real fun of living wisely is that you get to be smug about it.
+19941122 I hate doing this stuff! It's too much work. Why should I bother? "Until you can stalk and overrun, you can't devour anyone." I can see why tiger aphorisms don't catch on.
+19941123 "Live for the moment" is MY motto. You never know how long you've got! You could step into the road tomorrow and WHAM - you get hit by a cement truck! Then you'd be sorry you put off your pleasures! That's why I say "Live for the moment". What's YOUR motto? "Look down the road."
+19941124 I've decided I don't want to be famous. No? Nah. ANY idiot can be famous. I figure I'M more the LEGENDARY type! Uh huh. Well, I didn't mean right this second!
+19941125 Can we burn these leaves? No, that pollutes. But how can we appease the mighty snow demons if we don't sacrifice any leaves?! We'll have a warm winter. I don't know whether your grasp of theology or meteorology is the more appalling. I guess I'll go light some candles around the toboggan and beg for mercy.
+19941126 Do you think tigers go to the same heaven that people go to? I mean, in heaven, everyone is supposed to be HAPPY, right? But people wouldn't be happy if they were always in danger of being eaten by tigers! On the other hand, heaven wouldn't be very nice WITHOUT tigers, either. I wouldn't be happy if there weren't any tigers. I'd miss them. Maybe tigers just don't eat people in heaven. But then WE wouldn't be happy.
+19941127 We join our hero Megazorks above the planet Gloob ... Spaceman Spiff, conqueror of the cosmos, is pursued by the hideous scum beings of planet Q-13! Spiff hyper-freem drive malfunctions! The aliens close in! suddenly, a searing bolt of deadly fram ray slices across the blackness! Our hero is unfazed. Another bolt! Spiff is hit!! Spiff is going down can he make it?? Is this the end?!? AAAAAA Spiff's alive! He made it!! I'm alive! Ha ha ha! I kiss the sweet ground! Maybe you should play on the swings, Calvin.
+19941128 Hey Dad, I'll guess any number you're thinking of! Go ahead, and pick a number! Mm... OK, I've got it. Is it 92,376,051? By golly, it is! Wait a minute! You're just trying to get RID of me, aren't you?! No, you're psychic. Go show Mom.
+19941129 A lot of people don't have principles, but I do! I'm a highly principled person! I live according to one principle, and never deviate from it. What's your principle? "Look out for number one."
+19941130 Mom, you know the sandwich you packed for me today? Well, by lunch time, the jelly had soaked into the bread. That grosses me out. So tomorrow, I'd like the jelly put in a separate container with a knife, so I can spread the jelly at the last possible moment before I eat the sandwich. Also, you keep using the bread from the middle of the loaf. I only like those pieces for toast. For sandwiches, I want only the end pieces, because they don't absorb as much jelly. Got it? Doggone it, she did it again!
+19941201 Why, look! You made your bed without even being told to! That's wonderful, Calvin! Gee, your Mom sure is nice when you help her. Yeah, that's the reason I usually don't. I like Mom to be impressed when I fulfill the least of my obligations.
+19941202 Look out of the window! It's snowing! There's must be almost half an inch! By morning, I'll bet there's tons of snow! Do you think the schools will close?? What? OH YEAH? WELL, SAME TO YOU!! I wonder how a crabby guy like him got to be superintendent.
+19941203 That was quite a ride. I'll say. I've never seen a sled catch fire before. We're lucky the pond hadn't frozen.
+19941204 There! Our fortress is completely indestructible! "Sunny and warmer today, high in the upper thirties ... " Our snow fort is impenetrable! At the slightest provocation, we'll let loose a merciless barrage of stinging ice!! None dare attack us! We rule all!! Together, a veritable fist of defiance, we stand immune to any onslaught! We are invincible!! We ... uh ... umm ... piff!
+19941205 Watching a Christmas special? Yep. Another show extolling love and peace interrupted every seven minutes by commercials extolling greed and waste. I hate to think what you're learning from this. I'm learning I nee my own TV so I can watch someplace else.
+19941206 I'm writing my Christmas list, Hobbes. Should I add anything for you? Hmm... I can't think of anything. NOTHING?! You don't want anything at ALL?!? I've got a good home and a best friend. What more could a tiger want? It must be sad being a species with so little imagination.
+19941207 Thanks for helping me mail my letter to Santa. It sure was heavy. Those big envelopes hold only a couple hundred pages. That's why I used a box. I hope Santa doesn't throw his back out when he gets it. All I can say is, THIS year Santa had better bring everything on my list! I've been extremely good all year! What about the noodle incident? NO ONE CAN PROVE I DID THAT!!
+19941208 This whole business of Santa rewarding GOOD kids and neglecting BAD kids really bugs me. ... not that I have anything to worry about, of course. A paragon of virtue, that's you. Right! But see, there are certain things a GOOD kid could do that might look BAD in a certain light, if one didn't consider all the mitigating circumstances. Like keeping an incontenent toad in your Mom's sweater drawer? Exactly. If I was being raised in a better environment, I wouldn't do things like that.
+19941209 I think if Santa is going to judge my behaviour over the last yeaer, I ought to be entitled to legal representation. I mean, let's face it, a lot of Christmas loot is at stake here, and the constitution says no person should be deprived of property without due process of law. So you can be my lawyer, OK? It's easy! Me?? Sure! Here's a legal bad! You're all set! OK, but I don't take pro bono cases.
+19941210 OK, Hobbes, as my lawyer, you'll need to review the facts of my case. Right. We'll try to establish that you were insane at the time of the alleged crimes. We're not copping an INSANITY plea, you moron! We're saying I'm INNOCENT! Insulting an attorney is a penal offense, so watch it, buster. You're supposed to argue that I haven't been bad this year, and I deserve to be on Santa's "good" list! If THAT's our case, I advise you to settle out of court. In a minute, you and I are going to settle this out of DOORS.
+19941211 Very grim, Calvin. You're still having oatmeal. Gurgle. Quit playing with your oatmeal and eat it, Calvin. Gagpth! I'm free! Bugh! Yaah! Death to oatmeal! You'll never escape, vile glop! Die! Die! Calvin! Quit! ... oh no ... It's your fault we didn't have a sweet little girl! Your stupid chromosome!! Not mine!! ... I just live here.
+19941212 When are we going to get a Christmas tree? Oh, I dunno. Probably a little after New Year's. AFTER NEW YEAR?? Sure. We can just go up the street and pick the best tree from the neighbors' driveways. WHAT?! Sometimes there's still tinsel on the tree too, so you don't even have to decorate it! We'll save time AND money! OK, what did your Dad tell you THIS time?
+19941213 Yes, Calvin? You have a question? Yeah, I was wondering if we could stop the lesson here and adjourn to the playground for the rest of the day. Of course not. Now then, let's all turn to page 24 and... Miss Wormwood? YES? How about just ME, then?
+19941214 For "Show and Tell" today, I have something that will astound and amaze you! This little guy can... Have you all had your shots?
+19941215 Are there any monsters under my bed tonight? Of course not. Come under and see for yourself. Yeah, come and see. Heh heh heh. Oh right! You think I'm falling for THAT?! Who am I TALKING to if there aren't monsters down there?! Umm.. Uh.. They're all teeth and digestive tract. No brains at all. Why, we're dust balls! Yeah, LITTLE dust balls!
+19941216 EWW! What's THIS disgusting stuff?! It's spider pie. You can pick out the legs and give them to your Dad if they're too hairy for you. S-s-spider p-pie? Why, I believe we're going to have a quiet dinner for once. I know I don't feel like opening my mouth. Hey, I LIKE it!
+19941217 Want to go play outside? No, it's too much trouble. FIRST I'd have to get up. THEN I'd have to put on a coat. THEN I'd have to find my hat and put IT on. (sigh) Then we'd run around and I'd get tired, and when we came in I'd have to take all that stuff off. No way. So what are you going to do instead? I'm just going to sit here and wait for a good TV show to come on. I'll tell your Mom to turn you toward the light and water you periodically. Instead of making smart remarks, you could get me the remote control.
+19941218 I love winter days. They're so peaceful. Ha ha! Gotcha Susie! Hey, you dummy! You'll never be able to throw a snow ball that big! Ha! Stupid girl! Hey, what are you doing? Get away. Hey! Put me down! Where are you taking me?! Hey! Hey! Chunk.
+19941219 Want to help me write a book? Sure. What's it about? Well, you know what historical fiction is? This is sort of like that. I'm writing a fictional autobiography. It's the story of my life, but with a lot of parts completely made up. Why would you make up your own life? Because in my book, I have a flame thrower!
+19941220 Still and quiet feline form, in the sun, asleep and warm. His tail is limp, his whiskers drooped, Man, what could make this cat so pooped? Sheeshh...
+19941221 Hi Mom! I'm making my own newspaper to report the events of our household. That's nice. Now, I'm looking for a page one lead story. Can I interview you? Sure. OK, what are you cutting up there for dinner? Fish. Knife wielding mother hacks ichthyoid! Grim melee is evening ritual! Suburban family decours victim! Out of the kitchen! Out! Out!
+19941222 Hi Dad. I'm making my own newspaper to report the events of our household. Would you help me out? Sure, what do you need? Well, you can take your pick. Either you can give me 15 bucks to pay my labor and production costs... 15 bucks?! ... Or you can be the subjedt of a comic strip called "Dopey Dad". So in the next panel, Dopey Dad yells, "It's bed time for YOU, young man!" Hee Hee! Look how big I made his mouth!
+19941223 Ooh hahh ooh hahh ooh hahh ooh hahh I wish we'd ged ad aquariub!
+19941224 What story would you like tonight, Calvin? Hamster Huey and the gooey Kablooie! Oh no, not again! That's what you hear EVERY night! Let's read something different! I WANT HAMSTER HUEY! I WANT HAMSTER HUEY! C'mon, we'll read a new story tonight. You'll like it, I promise. No I won't! I'll stay awake until morning if you don't read Hamster Huey! I didn't remember Hamster Huey having quite that starcastic tone of voice. Or doing everthing so FAST.
+19941225 OK boys, have we loaded everything? Ah, there's still the matter of this Calvin, sir. His list is 30 pages long, not including the supplement about incendiary weapons. The research dept. thought you should handle this one personally. Well, is he naughty or nice? Ah, a bit problematic, chief... here's his dossier. Ohhh yes, the "noodle incident" kid... That was a while ago, boss. he says he was framed, and we've had trouble verifying the particulars. Accounts seem to vary. What about all these slushballs thrown at the girl down the street? My my my! No dispute there. Surveillance documents some 400 incidents, but the kid claims extenuating circumstances. Hmm... don't they all. A tiger vouches for the kid's character... says the kid tries to be sort of good if he's not tempted otherwise. What do his parents say? Here's the Dad's comments. We're looking into the sarcasm factor. all right. I've made up my mind. Is the boy asleep yet? Ah, no. He's wide awake. Santa won't come until we're asleep, you know. I CAN'T TAKE THE SUSPENSE!
+19941226 WUMP!
+19941227 ANY dumb kid can build a snowman, but it takes a genius like me to create ART. This snow sculpture transcends corporeal likeness to epxress deeper truths about the human condition! This sculpture is about grief and suffering! One look at the tortured countenance of this figure confirms that the artist has drunk deeply from the cup of life! This work shall endure and inspire future generations!
+19941228 Still making snow art? Yep! Yesterday your sculpture melted. This time I'm taking advantage of my medium's impermanence... This sculpture is about transcience. As this figure melts, it invites the viewer to contemplate the evanescence of life. This piece speaks to the horror of our own mortality! Hey stupid! It's too warm to build a snowman! What a dope! Ha ha ha ha! A philistine on the sidewalk. Genius is never understood in its own time.
+19941229 How's your snow art progressing? I've moved into abstraction! Ah. This piece is about the inadequacy of traditional imagery and symbols to convey meaning in today's world. By abandoning representationalism, I'm free to express myself with pure form. Specific interpretation gives way to a more visceral response. I notice your oeuvre is monochromatic. Well c'mon, it's just snow.
+19941230 Dad, if you threw a snowball at someone, but deliberately missed, would that be 'bad'? Well, I suppose that would be provoking, so yes, it would be a little bad. As bad as if you'd hit the person? No, not THAT bad, but worse than if you hadn't thrown it at all. Suppose you just GRAZED the person. How bad would that be? Say maybe you knocked off his hat and his glasses or something. That would mean instant death.
+19941231 Boys, this pudding was great! Can I take a bowl upstairs to Hobbes? No, I think you've had enough. I didn't say for ME. I said for HOBBES! Well, I don't think "Hobbes" needs any either. WHY NOT?! Um... Because tigers need to stay lean and mean. That's what she said. I'm lean! I'm mean! Tell her chocolate pudding makes my coat lustrous.
+19950101 I'm home from school! So I gathered. Hobbes? Yaaaaah! Aaaaugh! Tiger attack! Calvin! Quit crashing around! Hobbes jumped me Mom! I was fighting for my very survival!! Sure Calvin. Look, I don't want to sew Hobbes up again, so why don't you two go do something quiet? Okay, okay ... You sissy. Mom always takes your side! That's because she wanted another tiger, not you!
+19950102 How are you doing on your New Year's resolutions? I didn't make any. See, in order to improve oneself, one must have some idea of what's "good". That implies certain values. But as we all know, values are relative. Every system of belief is equally valid and we need to tolerate diversity. Virtue isn't "better" than vice. It's just different. I don't know if I can tolerate that much tolerance. I refuse to be victimized by notions of virtuous behavior.
+19950103 No! No! No! I need more sleep! I c-can't keep m-my eyes open! Bed?! Already?? But I'm wide awake!! My internal clock is on Tokyo time.
+19950104 I sure am great! I'm one of the greatest people who ever lived! How lucky people are to know someone as great as me! I'm great in so many ways! In fact, I'm so great that my greatness is... You're not great! You're the most conceited blowhard I've ever met! When you're great, people often mistake candor fo bragging.
+19950105 Here, I'll hang up your coat. Thanks. If you've been looking for Hobbes, he somehow got put in the closet. I just found him way back in there. Waiting for me in the CLOSET, eh? Too bad your little plan was THWARTED!! Why don't you hang up your coat yourself?!
+19950106 Oh yeah? Define, "well-adjusted".
+19950107 Why does man create? Is it man's purpose on Earth to express himself, to bring form to thought, and to discover meaning in experience? Or is it just something to do when he's bored?
+19950108 It says here that "Religion is the opiate of the masses." ... what do you suppose that means? ... it means Karl Marx hadn't seen anything yet. What are you watching? Garbage. This show would insult a 6-year-old! And I should know. So why watch it? All the other shows are even worse! Why watch TV at all then? There's nothing to do. Nothing to do?! You could read a book! Or write a letter! Or take a walk! When you're old you'll wish you had more than memories of this tripe to look back on. Undoubtedly.
+19950109 1. Explain Newton's First Law of Motion in your own words. Yakka foob mog. Grug pubbawup zink wattoom gazork. Chumble spuzz. I love loopholes.
+19950110 I'm ready for anything! Are you ready for unconditional surrender? That above all else.
+19950111 BRBBBBRBBBB. Their tummies shouldn't be so soft and fuzzy if you're not allowed to do that.
+19950112 ... and so, with nothing left to life for, he obeys the chanted command from the distant crowd below.
+19950113 Next, on Eyewitness action news: blood-spattered sidewalks and shroud-covered bodies! Could the next victim be YOU?? We'll get the story from the sobbing, hysterical relatives and we'll tell you why YOU should be paralyzed with helpless fear! That's Eyewitness action news! It's what YOU need to KNOW!
+19950114 When I grow up, I'm going to be a scientist. I'll dedicate my career to the proposition that man can reshape the Universe according to his own whims. I'll probably go into genetic engineering and create new life forms. You want to play God? Not exactly. God never bothered to patent his stuff.
+19950115 McZargald's ... next exit ... 50 Megazorks. Over 7Million earthlingburgers served." Spaceman Spiff is going down!!! We join our hero as he struggles to land his damaged spacecraft! The altitude flaps refuse to respond, but fearless Spiff is unfazed! Spiff careens through the alien canyon! Is this the end?? No! moments before impact, Spiff ejects! Now are you through charging around the house or are you going to fall down the stairs again? Our hero regains consciousness at the feet of a sarcastic alien ...
+19950116 Some days you get up and you already know that things aren't going to go well. They're the type of days when you should just give in, put your pajamas back on, make some hot chocolate, and read comic books in bed with the covers up until the world looks more encouraging. Of course, they never let you do that. Is today one of those days? IT SURE IS!!
+19950117 On gray days, when it's snowing or raining, I think you should be able to call up a judge and take an oath that you'll just read a good book all day, and he'd allow you to stay home. So you'd only go to school on sunny days? Well no, on sunny days he judge would let you play outside. He's quite a guy. He'd make you go to school if it was hot, hazy, and humid with a lot of bugs.
+19950118 Pssst! What's 7+6? Three hundred billion gazillion. Oh, thanks for the big help! That's a three, followed by 85 zeroes. Ah! I knew that.
+19950119 I'm thinking of starting my own talk radio show. I'll spout simplistic opinions for hours on end, ridicule anyone who disagrees with me, and generally foster divisiveness, cynicism, and a lower level of public dialog! It would seem you were born for the job. Imagine getting PAID to act like a six-year-old!
+19950120 Heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh Oh boy Oh boy Oh boy HA HA HA HA HA HA. Obviously I've tapped into some primeval well of the human psyche.
+19950121 Snow sharks? That guy's a goner.
+19950122 What should we have Dad read us tonight? ... so in the next panel, Supertoad goes "Plooie" and ... "My what big teeth you have! Said little Red Riding Hood. The better to eat you with! Said the wolf ... tiger ... said the tiger, and he pounced on Little Red Riding Hood. Just then a hunter came by, and when he saw the wolf ... tiger ... when he saw the tiger he picked up his gun and ... and? ...and it was too late. The tiger ate them both and he lived happily ever after. The end." Good story Dad! Thanks! Sniff. I always cry at happy endings.
+19950123 Look at my new invention, Dad! I unraveled a hanger and poked it out the back of my pants to make a tailhook! Now, with a rope stretched across the doorway, I can blast into a room at top speed, and the hook will grab the rope and stop me before I crash out the window on the opposite wall! Well? Don't just sit there, man! Get out some patent applications! I wonder how many fortunes he's let slip through his fingers.
+19950124 As an artist, I'll speak to future generations long after I'm gone! Smart thinking. I call this, "Nude descending a staircase."
+19950125 Everything is so darn hard! I wish I could just take a pill to be perfect and I wish I could just push a button to have anything I want. The American dream lives on. Why should I have to WORK for everything?! It's like saying I don't deserve it!
+19950126 Look, it's almost 11 o'clock! Wow, the last two hours really flew by! I hope the teacher didn't say anything important.
+19950127 Outta my way, Twinky. ...and suddenly, the Earth opened up! Wailing helplessly, Moe tumbled head over heels down the smoking chasm until he splashed into the molten magma at the planet's core, where he slowly melted before igniting in a spitting fireball of grease!
+19950128 How in the world did you get in to the bathroom and back out so fast?
+19950129 Man the harpoons! Thar she blows!! Can Hobbes take a bath too? No, Hobbes doesn't need one. Hold still. By golly, what if I drown because nobody was here to rescue me?? Hobbes! C'mere! Mom can't know you're in here, okay? I'll disguise myself with bubbles. Hmm ... you need a hat. Hang on, and I'll get one of Dad's. I like his gray one the best. Maybe you should wear a tie, too. I'll be right back. Better hurry! I think I hear your mom coming! Dear! Why are you taking a bath?!? ... and wearing your best hat!!
+19950130 In two seconds, every kid in the lunchroom is going to wish HE'D thought of putting snow in his thermos.
+19950131 Ahem. WAA! I HATE, I JUST HATE RETRACTABLE CLAWS!! So are you through reading this?
+19950201 CALVIN!
+19950202 If a groundhog sees his shadow today, we'll have six more weeks of winter. So yell if you see one.
+19950203 Tiger sprawling in the sun! Fast asleep, his day is done. Lying here, 'twas warmth he sought. The sun has made his tummy hot. One sad fact he overlooked: his brain is now completely cooked!
+19950204 Dad says there's nothing cozier than a fire, but I dunno...
+19950205 Hey Calvin! Are we near a slaughterhouse, or did you forget your deodorant?! Drop dead Susie! You're so ugly, I hear your mom puts a bag over your head before she kisses you goodnight!! It's shameless the way we flirt. What's it like to fall in love? Well ... say the object of your affection walks by ... yeah? First your heart falls into your stomach and splashes your innards. All the moisture makes you sweat profusely. This condensation shorts the circuits to your brain, and you get all woozy. When your brain burns out altogether, your mouth disengages and you bable like a cretin until she leaves. That's love?!? Medically speaking. Heck, that happened to me once, but I figured it was cooties!!
+19950206 One of my baby teeth came out. I have to say, I'm not entirely comfortable holding a piece of my own head.
+19950207 Mom says the tooth fairy might give me 50 cents for this tooth. Wow! So I got an idea. poured plaster over this tooth to make a mold, and now I'm casting duplicate teeth. I'll put one under the pillow every night, and by the end of the year, I'll have over 150 dollars! Do you think the tooth fairy will believe your mouth had 300 teeth in it? If she'd rather have an old tooth than 50 cents, how bright can she be?
+19950208 Look at this hilarious cartoon I drew! See, this snowman is in a snow car and he says, "Darn it, the engine froze up!" Ha ha ha ha! Get it?? But if the car is made of snow, the engine would MELT if it wasn't frozen. Either way, it wouldn't run.
+19950209 As I have created you, so I can destroy you! Therefore, in recognition of my supreme power, you must worship me! Yes, bow before the mighty Calvin and tremble, for I am the eternal, all knowing... PAFF
+19950210 PIFF. I didn't do it! I never threw that! You can't prove I threw it! Besides, I MISSED, didn't I? The defendant petitions the court for a new trial on the grounds that his lawyer is incompetent.
+19950211 Hello? Is your mother there? Who's calling?? Is this about ME?! 'cause if it is, I didn't DO it! You got NOTHING on me, understand?! You can't prove ANYthing! I tell you I'm innocent! Just give up! You'll never get me! Oh, here Mom, it's for you. Hi, can I call you back? Go ahead and talk. I cleared it. It's cool.
+19950212 Hey Mom, can I drive now? No. How about now? Oh no! oh you stupid car! What's wrong with you now?!? That's it Mom! Go ahead and swear! We don't mind! Calvin, be quiet! Want Hobbes and me to go get help? You stay where you are. I'll look under the hood. Kick the car Mom! It works on the TV! Look at all these cars going by. Nobody's stopping to help. Let's blow the horn! Maybe someone will come. Beeeep! Hoorayy!! Someone stopped! We're heroes!! Want me to call a tow truck lady? First call the police and report an infanticide.
+19950213 Mmm... somebody's having a fire. I love the smell of a fire on a cold winter day. Isn't it strange how smells are so evocative, but we can't describe them. Oh, I dunno. That fire has a snorky, brambish smell. I should have known animals would have words for smells. It's a little brunky, but low humidity affects that.
+19950214 You're telling me that animals have their own words for specific smells? Well sure. OK, what's the word for how wet leaves smell? "Snippid." What's the word for how I smell? "Terrible." Woo hoo hoo hoo hoo.
+19950215 Graphic violence in the media. Does it glamorize violence? Sure. Does it desensitize us to violence? Of course. Does it help us tolerate violence? You bet. Does it stunt our empathy for our fellow beings? Heck yes. Does it CAUSE violence? ... well that's hard to prove. The trick is to ask the right question.
+19950216 Most people don't know what it's like to be a child prodigy, so that's why I'm writing my autobiography. Does your magnanimity know no bounds? Genius has its obligations. Hey, how do you spell "boogers"?
+19950217 I no longer wish to be called a "boy". Isn't that what you are? Yes. But I find that term demeaning and sexist. What do you want to be called then? A "chromosomally advantaged youth". That may not catch on.
+19950218 Ahh, what could be better than a Saturday 6-mile run at dawn in 20-degree weather... ...followed by a big bowl of gummy oatmeal and some dry toast! How about some dried-up prunes and a root canal? Dried prunes! Do we hasve some??
+19950219 Aachoo! Gesundheit! Okay! How many monsters are under my bed tonight? Just one. That's good Hobbes! We outnumber him! Hee hee! Wanna get him? Yeah! See if you can reach the baseball bat! Heh heh! Quit shoving you hogs! Mommmmm! Nice going Maurice.
+19950220 With sheer brain power, I will force this sled to carry me up the hill! But until I decide to do that, I'll walk!
+19950221 I wonder why people are never content with what they have. Are you kidding? Your fingernails are a joke, you've got no fangs, you can't see at night, your pink hides are ridiculous, your reflexes are nil, and you don't even have tails! Of course people aren't content! Forget I ever said anything. Now if TIGERS weren't content, that would be something to wonder about.
+19950222 I like homework. I don't want to go outside. I want to do math problems. BLEHHH. My brain always rejects attitude transplants.
+19950223 Look at how people are portrayed in comic strips. The women are indecisive whiners, nagging shrews and bimbos. And the men are no better. They're befuddled morons, heavy drinkers, gluttons, and lazy goof-offs! Everyone is incompetent, unappreciated, and unsuccessful! What kind of insiduous social programming IS this?! No wonder the world's such a mess! I demand politically correct, morally uplifting models in the funnies! Yes, we all know how funny good role models are. And look, all the kids are obnoxious brats!
+19950224 Wouldn't it be cool if you sneezed and the spray from your nose instantly froze? You could break it off your face and have a 3-D sculpture of your sneeze! ... Well, I think it would be cool. People wonder why cats are solitary.
+19950225 CALVIN, STOP RUNNING THROUGH THE HOUSE! The law is on the books, but it would take all their resources to enforce it. CALVIN!
+19950226 How can I get some money? Short of earning it I mean. I want a gernade launcher mom. When's Christmas? Not for a long time. When's my birthday? Not for a long time. When's my allowance? You spent it already. Do I have any stocks I can cash? War bonds?? Calvin, I'm trying to work! Can I borrow some soap? Yes, you can borrow some soap. Have all the soap you want.
+19950227 VROOOOMM BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP SPLUTCHH. Ack! Not so much! Not so much! I hate this stuff! Pipe down and eat.
+19950228 What happened in Concord in 1775? Le'ts be honest. You're asking me about Concord? I rely on the bus driver to find my own house from here. Concord could be on Neptune for all I know. And what happened 220 years ago?? I'm a kid. I don't know what's going on NOW. I don't have a shred of context for any of this. It's hopeless, Miss Wormwood, hopeless. We both try to demoralize each other.
+19950301 Look Hobbes, this is my retirement fund. A comic book? This is the issue where they introduce the arch-villain "Deathmeister"! In a few years, a rare mint copy of this will be worth millions of dollars! Needless to say, I bought five copies, sealed them in airtight plastic bags, and put them in a box in the closet, where the light and humidity won't affect their precious pages! How will these be rare and valuable if every kid in America has five copies? We're all counting on the other guy's Mom to throw them away.
+19950302 If I had a computer, I'm sure I'd get better grades on my book reports. You'd still have to read the book and tell the computer what you want to say, you know. Man, what's all the fuss about computers?!
+19950303 Want to buy my latest invention? What is it? It's a writer's block! You put it on your desk and you can't write there any more! I must be years ahead of my time.
+19950304 What's the matter, honey? You look down in the dumps. I don't have a hairy chest. Mom says some babes don't care. Thptpbt! Right.
+19950305 Ready? Let me check what the deductible is on my insurance policy ... Munch munch. Would you care for a soft drink? Ok. H-H-here y-you a-a-are! Any desert? No, thanks. We'll be landing shortly. The captain has turned off the seat belt sign. Thank you for choosing Calvin's flight 240 non-stop to Stoney Gulch. Next time I won't take the dinner flight.
+19950306 Sometimes all that feline dignity is just too much to keep up.
+19950307 Today for "Show and Tell", I refuse to show you what I brought and I refuse to tell you anything about it! It's a mystery that will haunt you all your miserable lives! You'll never, EVER know what I brought! You can beg and plead, but I'll never end your torment! I'll carry my secret to the grave! It's the show and tell that was never shown or told! Ha ha ha! AH HA HA HA HA! Everybody wants the same old thing.
+19950308 Cigars are all the rage, Dad. You should smoke cigars! Flatulence could be all the rage, but it would still be disgusting. I see. Nicely put, dear.
+19950309 A box of new crayons! Now they're all pointy, lined up in order, bright and perfect! Soon they'll be a bunch of ground-down, rounded, indistinguishable stumps, missing their wrappers and smudged with other colors. Sometimes life seems unbearably tragic.
+19950310 OK, that's plenty of television. Turn it off. I'll mope and whine and argue! I'll get in the way! I'll get in trouble! I'll tear around! You won't have a moments peace if you make me turn off the TV! I noticed she had to think about it.
+19950311 Hello? Yes, I'd like to speak with the chief of police. Hello, chief? Is it a LAW that your socks have to match anything else you're wearing? HEY MOM, LISTEN TO THIS!
+19950312 How come we play war and not peace? Too few role models. I'll be the fearless American defender of liberty and democracy ... and you can be the loathsome godless communist oppressor. We're at war, so if you get hit with a dart, you're dead and the other side wins, ok? Gotcha. Go! Wap Wap Kind of a stupid game, isn't it?
+19950313 Watcha doin'? Looking for frogs. How come? I must obey the inscrutable exhortations of my soul. Ah, but of course. My mandate also includes weird bugs.
+19950314 I am not scared of this ball. AAA! AAA! AA!
+19950315 You just struck out for the next five innings. But it didn't get me!
+19950316 I think angels are everywhere. You do? They're on calendars, books, greeting cards... almost every product imaginable. What a spiritual age we live in.
+19950317 I like to set kites free.
+19950318 Sometimes when I'm talking, my words can't keep up with my thoughts. I wonder why we can think faster than we can speak. Probably so we can think twice.
+19950319 Did you ask your Mom if you could jump off the roof? Questions I know the answers to I don't need to ask right? Is this blanket big enough? Perfect! See, I'll just grab all the corners and make a parachute! You can watch as I float to the ground, gently as a leaf. Geronimo!! Crunch! His Mom's going to have a fit about those rose bushes.
+19950320 FREE! Ha ha! This walk goes to MY house. I know that.
+19950321 YOUR house is over there. Want me to draw you a map of how to get there? Obviously I'm not GOING to my house. It's a lot MORE obvious that you're not coming to MY house! I have to stay here until my Mom gets home. WHAT?! Says who?? My Mom and your Mom! You think I made this up? You think I want to be here?? Well, it's my Mom's rule that you can sit in our yard, but you can't come in the house. Your Mom didn't say that!
+19950322 Let me in! Your Mom said I could stay here! No! Go away! You can wait in a tree! I'm telling! HELLO? HELLO? CALVIN WON'T LET ME IN! AAUGH! shh! shhh! OK, OK! In fact, heh heh heh, why don't you go in ahead of me? I just remembered a big orange surprise waiting for you! Don't be scared! Yeah, I'm trembling. I'll just step way, way back here!
+19950323 Is this your "big orange surprise"? Doggone it, Hobbes! Didn't you pounce?! Here's your tiger. He was by the door. WHAT'S WITH THE TIE?! Hello, Susie. Come on in. My Mom didn't call and say I could go home yet, did she? YOU DRESSED UP FOR A GIRL??!
+19950324 Would you care for a snack, Susie? Um, OK. Thank you. Well? What have you got to say for yourself? When one entertains female friends, one should try not to look quite as seedy as certain unnamed parties habitually do. Who's entertaining?! Who's a female friend? Who looks seedy?! A spotted tie is just the thing when you're wearing stripes! Tigers have a natual flair for causal chic! I can't believe this. Why didn't you kill her when she came in the door?! By the way, if you had made proper introductions, we might have smooched her hand. Here, let me adjust the narrow end of your tie about eight inches.
+19950325 What happened to YOU? Hobbes and I had a frank exchange of ideas. What are you doing? Homework?? I wasn't sure I understood this chapter, so I reviewed my notes from the last chapter and now I'm rereading this. You do all that WORK?! Well, now I understand it. Huh! I used to think you were smart.
+19950326 What do you have for lunch Susie? Maybe I'll trade you. Ugh! A cross section of a dachshund. No, thanks. It's bologna! I wonder what I have for lunch today. Its lunch time! Ha ha ha! I think I'll have this little kid!! Help! I'm being eaten alive by my own lunch! Somebody get me a fork! He's got me!! Aaarrrgghh! Wham wham wham! Ha! I killed it with my thermos! See? It's bleeding jelly! No wonder this seat wasn't taken.
+19950327 Where's Susie? She's in the living room doing her homework. NOW? She's not putting it off until bedtime? She says she needs to get it done so she can practice the piano when she goes home! Wow, it's like science fiction or something. "The Gender from Outer Space"!
+19950328 This emergency meeting of the Get Rid Of Slimy girlS club will come to order. Dictator-for-life Calvin presiding! Oyez! Oyez! As we're all aware, the enemy has infiltrated our territory and is spreading disinformatio to the effect that homework ought to be done right after school! As my Mom may have covert girl sympathies, we must eradicate the hostile forces! Any questions? Yes, could we poke some air holes in here? Too risky. The box of secrecy must remain secure!
+19950329 OK, we both understand the secret plan? Got it. But what about a secret code? A secret code? This secret plan doesn't need a secret code. Ahem. "Section IV, Article 12: Every secret plan needs a secret code. A. The more complicated the better. B. Everybody already knows pig latin. C. Phrases like 'code blue' are cool." Our club charter never lies. That's why this is such a great club.
+19950330 Hey! I can't get out! I'm stuck! Help! Calvin? Susie, I'm trapped in the hall closet! Open the door! let me out! Help! Help! Hurry! Quick! I'm in the closet! Open the door and get me out of... SLAM HEY! YES!
+19950331 Calvin, are you slamming doors?! It wasn't me, Mom! I didn't hear anything! LET ME OUT OF HERE, CALVIN, YOU ROTTEN BAG OF BARF! Whee! Our club's finest hour! Where's Susie? Beats me. Maybe she went outside. I'M IN HERE! LET ME OUT! Why, Susie? What were YOU doing in the closet, of all places? He tricked me in there and held the door! Calvin...
+19950401 Susie, your Mom just called and she's walking over to pick you up. Finally! I'll talk you YOU in a few minutes upstairs. Bye Susie! Don't lock yourself in any more closets! We got rid of a slimy girl! What a great day of grossness! This goes in the log book! I'd say some promotions, awards, medals, and advanced degrees are in order! Should we get them before we get in trouble, or after?
+19950402 Hey Dad, remember our car? Why sure. Wait a minute. What do you mean, "Remember"? Hobbes, I have a conjectural moral question. Maybe you can help. Sure. Suppose I did something bad. Should I tell Dad? How bad are we supposing? Well, hypothetically, let's say pretty bad. Like to his car hypothetically. How bad, hypothetically, to his car? Well, let's pretend it was real bad. Should we pretend it could be fixed? If we imagined he could find the car, we could pretend it might be fixed. I see. You can keep the book. I'll call the bus station. "Que pasa, senorita? I am el fugitivo!"
+19950403 Any monsters under my bed tonight? Maybe, maybe not. You mean, "definitely yes"? We didn't say that. "WE"? I mean, "I". ..uh.. that is, if there were any of me. Shut up, Winslow. Luckily for me, monsters don't think clearly when they're hungry.
+19950404 We don't value craftsmanship any more! All we value is ruthless efficiency, and I say we deny our own humanity that way! Without an appreciation for grace and beauty, there's no pleasure in having them! Our lives are made drearier, rather than richer! How can a person take pride in his work when skill and care are considered luxuries! We're not machines! We have a human need for craftsmanship! You had two days to write that paper. Two days?! Two days is NOTHING!
+19950405 It's hard to know what's important in life. We don't notice the small stuff and we're never prepared for the big stuff. What about the stuf in between? That stuff's boring. Let's hope bumbling along without a clue is important. According to the ads, fresh breath and dry armpits are crucial.\
+19950406 Can I get a drink of water? All right, but hurry up. What are YOU doing home?! I prefer OUR water.
+19950407 This bad grade is lowering my self-esteem! Then you should work harder so you don't get bad grades. Your denial of my victimhood is lowering my self-esteem!
+19950408 I'm the decisive, take-charge type! I'm a natural leader! See, we'll go THIS way! Have fun. The problem is that nobody wants to go where I want to lead them.
+19950409 Oops! I forgot to read chapter five for school tomorrow. What are you going to do? Catch a quick cold. Cough cough. You sound terrible, Calvin. I'll get you some cough medicine. It wasn't me coughing. It was Hobbes. Me? It wasn't me! I know, but that cough syrup tastes awful. So you're going to have me take it? Nothing doing, buster. I refuse! Here you go Calvin. Open up. Not me! Give it to Hobbes! He's the one who ... Gloomp Ackthp! Pbthbbppth!! Hack Hack. Mmm! That cough medicine is good! You should try some! Really! You're not fooling me one bit, you stinker.
+19950410 What was the significance of the Erie Canal? In the cosmic sense, probably nil. We "big picture" people rarely become historians.
+19950411 Remember when I was first born? I couldn't even turn myself over! My eyes wouldn't focus! I couldn't do anything! Think of all the work it took to develop the motor skills necessary to hold a crayon, top place the tip of it on a page, and to move it in predetermined, coordinated motions! This picture is the result of six years' unrelenting toil! A lifetime of effort went into this! I'm still not paying you $500 for it. It will appreciate! It's an investment!
+19950412 Calvin? Calvin! CALVIN! AAUGH! Sorry. My eyes were on screen saver.
+19950413 Right here! Put it here! AAAA! Let's work on your underhand pitches. If you keep running away like that, you won't catch any fouls.
+19950414 Calvin, are you chewing gum in class? Yeth. Do you have enough to share with everybody? Probably. But do you really think they'd want it?? It was HER idea...
+19950415 Ahem. Hi. What's the point of wearing your favorite rocketship underpants if nobody ever asks to see 'em?
+19950416 I'm taking the umbrella outside. Well, that's showing a little foresight for once. Good for you. Wait a minute. You really think this will work? Of course! Let's go! Smash! Bonk bonk bonk. Look! I'm flying!! I had my eyes shut. How was it? Great! What a ride! Let's get some other kids and charge 'em!
+19950417 I think I should stay home from school. I've got a sore throat, an ear ache, a stomach ache, I'm seeing spots, and I'm dizzy. I'll call the doctor. Hold on, I think it's all clearing up! Yes. I think I'm better now. It's pretty hard to hit that magic number of appropriately vague, mildly serious, but not quite worrisome symptoms.
+19950418 What a pretty sky today! It's too blue. It needs some red. Red? Just a little right over there. Hang on. That's better. Well I'll be!
+19950419 Ah! I got the letter I wrote to myself! What did you write? "Dear Calvin, Hi! I'm writing this on Monday. What day is it now? How are things going? Your pal, Calvin." My past self is corresponding with my future self. Too bad you can't write back.
+19950420 I got another letter from my past self. What's it say? "Dear future Calvin, I wrote this several days before you will receive it. You've done things I haven't done. You've seen things I haven't seen. You know things I don't know. You lucky dog! Your pal, Calvin." Sniff. I feel so sorry for myself two days ago. Poor him. He wasn't you.
+19950421 Let's draw the line at the umbrella.
+19950422 I hate all this wind! Boy, this is unpleasant! Stupid, miserable wind! What a lousy weather! What an awful day! Well if you can't change it, what's the point of griping about it? I'm not going to let a little wind be more annoying than me.
+19950423 Honey, we have to leave soon. Is Calvin taking his bath? Oh good. While I'm taking my bath, you can brush your teeth and comb your hair. Right. Your dad won't mind if I use his cologne, will he? Well, go easy this time. Think I should shave? No, go for the Don Johnson fuzzy look. Here's a tie and one of my sport coats. Perfect! Right out of "GQ"! boy, I look good in anything, don't I? Refresh my memory. How did I get talked into this one? My friend would like to see the wine list.
+19950424 This new issue of Chewing magazine tells how to set up a mandibular fitness regime! Basically, they recommend interval training: chewing one piece of gum with lots of reps, followed by chewing five pieces of gum at once, so you can really work the masseter and buccinator muscles. It's a gruelling workout, but you build strength AND endurance, so you can come through in a clincher. I'm sure the glory makes it all worthwhile. Plus, you develop that "chewer's jaw" that drives the girls wild.
+19950425 What's with the face? I'm doing stretches. Chewing magazine says you should always warm up before you chew gum. Did you know that neglecting to stretch the temporalis muscles is the leading cause of gum chewing injuries? What about falling down while chewing and walking? With a good helmet, the risk is surprisingly small.
+19950426 In this issue, Chewing reviews the new gum chewing apparel. This jersey is makde with Swet-Tek (R) fibers that wick away perspiration! The mesh collar keeps your sternomastoids ventilated and the zippered pockets hold spare gum and wrappers! Why is it covered with brand logos? That gives you the psychological edge of pretending you're sponsored. How can you tell if you're reading an advertisement, a product review, or the product itself? I'D sure like to be a walking endorsement.
+19950427 I need to get a heart rate monitor. What for? To make sure I'm chewing at my aerobic threshold! Every day I want to see that I'm chewing more gum faster, harder, and longer! What's the point of attaching a number to everything you do? If your numbers go up, it means you're having more fun. Sciece to the spirit's rescue once again.
+19950428 WHAT ON EARTH AM I DOING HERE ON THIS BEAUTIFUL DAY?! THIS IS THE ONLY LIFE I'VE GOT!! AAAAAAA. Next time, try a drink of water and a few deep breaths.
+19950429 Look! A trickle of water running through some dirt! I'd say our afternoon just got booked solid!
+19950430 Wanna go catch some fish? Sure. Ugh. I don't want to touch these worms will you put one on my hook? Me? I'm not gonna spear any worms. I know ... let's just dump the worms in the water, and when the fish come up to eat them, we'll catch them in the net! Pretty smart, huh? That's what I like about surviving in the wild ... pitting our wits against the raging elements! The worms are getting soggy. Ooh, they are starting to sink. Bloop bloop bloop. Let's pit our wits against some fast food cheesburgers. Those come in neat little boxes. Yeah, who'd want to eat something that eats worms anyway?
+19950501 I suppose the secret to happiness is learning to appreciate the moment. I, for example, take great pleasure in being right here, right now, doing what we're doing. Of course, you're supposed to be at school. I couldn't appreciate those moments.
+19950502 Why aren't we hooked up to an on-line service, so we can connect to other computers? It's bad enough we have a telephone. HELLLPPP!!
+19950503 I hate when a lot of kids are on the slide. You wait forever to get to the top and then the ride is over so fast. And if you sit for a moment to enjoy the height, everybody yells at you to get going. And sometimes the idiot behind you starts down too soon and he smacks into you at the bottom before you can get away. Yep, the playground is a LOT more fun after the class starts. CALVIN!
+19950504 PHOOMPP. Why are you crying? I'm cutting up an onion. It must be hard to cook if you anthropomorphize your vegetables.
+19950505 Calvin, would you demonstrate the next problem at the board? Yes Miss Worm-wood. I would be hap-py to do an-y-thing you ask. I have been suc-cess-ful-ly pro-grammed to obey all di-rect-tives. I have no will of my own... my own... my own... my own. Doesn't anybody appreciate theater?!
+19950506 Can I run the vacuum cleaner? No, not until you're older. I'm old enough! I could do it! Well, maybe just this once, if you do a real good job. That suppressed smile worries me.
+19950507 We've got a baby sitter tonight. Ready? Ready. Calvin the baby sitter is here! We're going! Be good, ok? Hi there. You must be Calvin. Hmmph. You're not my mom. So I don't have to do anything you say. I'm going to do whatever I feel like so just stay out of the way. Calvin, take a look by the telephone and tell me what you see. A note Mom left with emergency numbers. Right. Now you wouldn't want me to have to call any of those numbers, would you? Well. It must be 6:30. Guess I'll turn in. for eight bucks a night, I don't put up with much.
+19950508 "Please excuse Calvin from class today. His genius is urgently required on a top secret matter of national security. Sincerely, The President of the United States. P.S. Really." Nice try. Sit down. I gotta learn how to write in cursive.
+19950509 How come grown-ups don't go out to play? Grown-ups can only justify playing outside by calling it exercise, doing it when they'd rather not, and keeping records to quantify their performance. That sounds like a job. ...except you don't get paid. So play is worse than work? Being a grown-up is tough.
+19950510 A big part of life is boring routine. I need more excitement. So today, I'm going to have a new kind of cereal. This cereal doesn't have any chocolate frosting. It has fiber and raisins. Of course, a bit part of life is horryifying surprise. Routines can be comforting. We tigers prefer to inflict excitement on others.
+19950511 15 people in line and the teller goes on break without a replacement. After I wait ten minutes, they open a new line for all the people behind me who have waited TWO minutes. I'm waiting to pay, and the cashier puts ME on hold instead of the person on the telephone. Have a nice day. Too late.
+19950512 Have you noticed how nobody dresses up for anything anymore? People look like slobs wherever they go. Everybody's rude, too. People swear all the time, and you can forget about being addressed as "Mr." or "Sir." There's no respect for anyone. How come I gotta change the world?!
+19950513 Every Saturday morning is the same. We get up at the crack of dawn, watch cartoons and eat sugary cereal until we fight, and then Mom throws us out of the house. It never changes. That's what I like about Saturdays too! First one downstairs get to pick the cartoons!
+19950514 Look, it says you have to be eighteen to buy cigarettes. Eighteen?!? By then I'll know better! Mom, can I have a cigarette? Sure Calvin. I think your grandfater left some here. Just smoke outside ok? Wow! Your mom let you have a cigarette? For a mom, sometimes she's pretty cool. Eeeeeep. Blaaugh! Gag. Hack. Cough. You'd think this would be an easy habit to break. Wheeze! Well now ... did we learn a little lesson today? Gasp. Yes. Trusting parents can be hazardous to your health.
+19950515 WHACK. AAA!! What are you scared of? The ball's not going to bit you. How do YOU know?
+19950516 AA! AA! AA! AA! What do you mean, you want a glove for the other hand too? Which word don't you understand?
+19950517 AAA! CLOMP! How often have I told Calvin not to leave his stuff in the yard?!
+19950518 Have you been hitting rocks with this bat? No, why? Look at it. It's chewed up. You should take care of your equipment. The ball did this! It's what I've been trying to tell you! These are fang marks! That ball is berserk! It's deranged! It's a menace! Why do I even bother?
+19950519 PHOOOOFF. Wow! Look at the size of that one! bip. Secretly, I was hoping for a deafening explosion.
+19950520 FFOOOOFF. FFOOOOF. bip.
+19950521 What's that smell? Either mom's cooking dinner, or somebody got sick in the furnace duct. Boy, does it stink in here! What are you cooking for dinner?! Whatever it is I'm not eating it. I'm stewing some monkey heads. Monkey heads? They'll be soggy enough to eat in about twenty minutes. Really?? We're having monkey heads! We are not ... are those really monkey heads? I've never had monkey heads before! I wonder what they're like. Wow! Monkey heads! Mm ... kinda squishy. Oow look, is that a nose? What's this? Brains? I didn't think they'd be so rubbery ... what? I thought these were stuffed peppers. Honey. What the heck is this?? Whatever it is I'm not eating it!
+19950522 Aackkk. Ch... ch... ch... chocolate ch-chips... no. And get up off the floor. urgle.
+19950523 I'm a great believer in the value of novelty. I say anything NEW is GOOD by definition! It can shock, insult, or offend me, so long as it doesn't bore me! If you can't give me something new, then repackage the old so it LOOKS new! Novelty is all that matters! I won't pay attention if it's not fresh and different! I see why timeless truth doesn't sell. Give me a good flash in the pan any day.
+19950524 YAWWNN. YAWWNN. YYAWNN. YAWWNN. One of us should have left the room.
+19950525 When I was a kid, my Mom would take me to the big old department store downtown, and I used to love riding the escalators. The escalators there had wood stairs, and they used to click, clack, and creak. The wood slats on each step were maybe half an inch apart, and I always wondered if ladies got their high heels stuck and got pulled under. Some of those escalators were very narrow - just wide enough for one person. Yep, those old escalators had a lot more personality than these slick metal ones. I'd hate to think that all my current experiences will someday become stories with no point.
+19950526 Mmf. Rrgg. One! REWARD, PLEASE!
+19950527 Giving is better than having. When you GET something, it's new and exciting, when you HAVE something, you take it for granted and it's boring. But everything you GET turns into something you HAVE. That's why you always need to get new things. I feel like I'm in some stockholder's dream. "Waste and want", that's my motto.
+19950528 No Earthling has ever before seen the cratered, scarred surface of the distant planet Zog! ... although it's not unlike some of those zit cream commercials ... we join the fearless Spaceman Spiff interplanetary explorer extraordinaire, out at the farthest reaches of the galaxy ... with nerves of steel, our hero sets forth on his dangerous mission! He fires his hyper-jets and ... blasts into the fifth dimension! Into a world beyond human comprehension! Into a world where time has no meaning! Man, this class lasts forever! So we carry the three into the tens column ...
+19950529 I heard that Miss Wormwood isn't here today. Really? Can we go home? Of course not. We have a substitute teacher. Can I send in a substitute student?
+19950530 Who's our substitute teacher? Do you know? Mr. Kneecapper. Oh NO! Really? I heard he killed a kid last year! What?! Yeah, some kid was talking in class, so Mr. Kneecapper took him out in the hall, and there were strange lumps in the cafeteria meatloaf that afternoon! OHH! Wait till she sees what's on today's lunch menu.
+19950531 Things I will never like: 1. Drying off with a cold, damp towel. 2. The feeling of seaweed wrapping around my leg. 3. Anything that was popular in the '70s. 4. Licorice, yams, or raisins. 5. That high-pitched screech that babies make. 6. Writhing maggots. It's comforting to know that there are certainties in life.
+19950601 Life is full of possibilities. For example, right now, instead of waiting for the school bus, I could stick out my thumb, hitch a ride, and spend the rest of my life in the Serengeti, migrating with the wildebeests! The Serengeti is in Africa. You couldn't really hitch a ride there. Life is full of precluded possibilities.
+19950602 Slurrpp. Sluurrp. AACKKPTH URGK BLUB! I'd bet anything that the principal has a valve in his office that changes the water pressure.
+19950603 Why are you digging a hole? I'm looking for buried treasure! What have you found? A few dirty rocks, a weird root, and some disgusting grubs. On your first try?? There's treasure everywhere!
+19950604 Wap! Thok! Poom. Wunk. Nice double play. Who's out? It depends are you on my team or am I on your team?
+19950605 Boy, our family would sure be in trouble if YOU were bringing home the bacon! I AM NOT BACON!
+19950606 Ouchywawa. I've got a big owwy boo boo on my pinky. That's too bad. When your ailments sound cute, you don't get much sympathy.
+19950607 When birds burp, it must taste like bugs. Nobody ever pays me a penny for my thoughts.
+19950608 Look at this, Hobbes. I added it up and figured out I spend an average of four days a year taking baths! Four full days - morning, noon, and night - just sitting in the bathtub! What could possibly be a bigger waste of time than that?! How long did it take you to add this all up?
+19950609 Wow! Look at this bug go! What on earth would make a bug hurry? You're deluding yourself, stupid! Nothing you do is important! You're just a bug! Oh my gosh, look at the time!
+19950610 I'm a man of few words. Maybe if you read more, you'd have a larger vocabulary.
+19950611 Calvin, quit horsing around! Hobbes is crowding me. This is my half of the seat. Got it stripeypants? That is your side! You stay over there! I see that!! Calvin, I'm trying to concentrate be quiet. Hobbes poked me. I don't care what Hobbes did! Just be quiet until we get out of this traffic. Hee hee! Stop it you heard Dad! Hoo hoo! Gkpthb! We're going to get in trouble. Mmp mp! Hee hee! Hee hoo ha hee ha ha! Calvin! I thought I said I wanted it quiet!! We were having a weird face contest Dad. But we're all through now. You won.
+19950612 It's hot, it's humid, it's buggy, there's no breeze, and the air is full of pollen. But it's SUMMER!
+19950613 Hey ant, you're working like a maniac, and what have you got to show for it? What's the colony done for YOU lately? What about YOUR needs? You don't owe anybody anything! Let the others fend for themselves! Move out! Discover yourself! Express your individuality! If they listen, this should solve our ant problem.
+19950614 Hello? It surrrrre is nice outside! Climb a tree! Goof off! *click* Dad harrasses me with HIS values, so I harass him with mine.
+19950615 Look! I caught a butterfly! If people could put rainbows in zoos, they'd do it.
+19950616 AAAAAAA. You're awake? Oh boy! Let's go! N-no c-coffee f-for m-me, th-thanks. Hehh hoo hehh
+19950617 Why does ice float? Because it's cold. Ice wants to get warm, so it goes on top of liquids in order to be nearer to the sun. Is that true? Look it up and find out. I should just look stuff up in the first place. You can learn a lot, talking to me.
+19950618 We should make Dad a Father's day card. Okay, I'll draw a picture of him on it. Hmm...make his mouth bigger. He usually look angrier than that. Good morning, Dad! Happy Father's day! Mmf. In appreciation of your service as dad. Today I am living according to the principles of your fatherly wisdom. Calvin, what time is ... five in the morning?! Yes, "Early to bed, early to rise." You always say ... I was going to buy you a nice present, but "A penny saved is a penny earned," as you say ... so I'm now earning 6% on the money I didn't spend. Yes, Dad. Thanks to you I'm a happier, better person. Good work, Socrates. I knew we'd made a mistake the minute I saw that little bologna loaf in the hospital basement.
+19950619 I cleaned and oiled your bicycle, Calvin. What do you say I take some time and help you learn how to ride it? NOOOOOO!! You're welcome. Mom! Mom! Dad HATES me!
+19950620 I've got the bike, Calvin. It's not going anywhere. I can feel it's going to throw me! Get ready to yank its wheels off! Just relax. I've got you. How can I relax? I'm uninsured and unarmed! I'm as good as head! Push back on the pedals. That's your brake, OK? Yes, well, that was fun! Thanks for the lesson! Get back here. No, really, I think I've got it! You can sell the bike now.
+19950621 The trick to balancing is to have a little forward momentum. AAA! No momentum! No momentum! Just pedal slowly. I'm holding the bike, so you won't fall. You'll let go and the bike will launch me into the ionosphere! Trust me, OK? TRUST you? I hardly KNOW you! I'm your father!? What, for six years?! When I'm 40, we'll see how things are going along!
+19950622 Look, Calvin, you've got to relax a little. Your balance will be better if you're loose. I can't help it! Imminent death makes me tense! I admit it! You need a goal. Concentrate on your goal. My goal is to dismantle this bicycle and mail every piece to a different country so it can never be rebuilt! OK, that's not a good goal. WELL I'M NOT CHANGING IT!
+19950623 Think about the places you can go once you learn how to ride! AAAAA. Think about how impressed your friends will be! Think about how much fun you'll have! AAAAAAA. AAAAAAAAAA. Think about inhaling. EEEP ahhh...
+19950624 Ooh, it doesn't look like the bike lesson went so good. It didn't. Dad LIKES riding his bike! He doesn't understand what it's like for me! I HATE flipping over the bars, getting chased around the yard, and getting mowed down by a demonic machine! Is that what happened? No, I tripped coming up the stairs.
+19950625 Hobbes. You didn't bring your swim trunks here to the beach! No, I prefer "furry dipping." Yaaaaayy! Ow ow ow hot hot hot hot! Aaaaaahhhhh! Sploop splop. Brrrrrr! Cold cold cold. Ow ow ow hot hot hot hot hot. Don't tell me we drove an hour and a half for this!
+19950626 Darn ol' rain.
+19950627 It's not summer if your tongue isn't purple.
+19950628 What does it mean when someone says to "Give it the ol' college try"? It means you join your friends, get some cheap beer, order a pizza, and forget about tomorrow. That's not what it means! Where did YOU go to college? Never mind.
+19950629 CAAAAAAALLLLLLVVINNNNN, THAAAAAT'S EEENOUUGHHH. M-mom s-sure was m-movingg st-strangellly t-toddayy. Maybe she's right about how much sugar you put on that cereal.
+19950630 Frank appraisal of your looks 50c. Any business? Not so far. But I'm giving out lots of free samples.
+19950701 What a lovely day for a hike! It's not so bad THIS way! No, we won't carry you. Stop griping. This is so much work!
+19950702 Guess what's short and ugly and wet all over! ... give up? The answer had better not be what I think it is ... squirt squirt squirt squirt! Yow! Squirt squirt squirt squirt! Bang bonk bing! Calvin! If you're going to tear around do it outside!! Okay, okay ...
+19950703 Look at this! Mom got me a book from the library. That's nice. NICE?!? It's SUMMER! I only get three short months to goof off! I'm not going to waste these precious days reading BOOKS! Summers are for vegetating! That's why the TV shows are reruns and the movies are sequels! No wonder the flies come out. Heck, everyone KNOWS it's not entertainment unless you can sit in the dark and eat.
+19950704 Hey, are you reading that book Mom got from the library? Mm-hmm. Is it good? Do you like it? Is it exciting? Are you having fun? Shh. HOW COULD IT POSSIBLY BE FUN WHEN IT'S SO QUIET?!?
+19950705 While you're reading that boring book, I'M going to go do something fun. OK. I'll be having the time of my life, while you're sitting here yawning and wishing you were... AIEE! I'll just kind of read over your shoulder, OK? No. Go do something fun.
+19950706 I read this library book you got me. What did you think of it? It really made me see things differently. It's given me a lot to think about. I'm glad you enjoyed it. It's complicating my life. Don't get me any more.
+19950707 I'm writing a fund-raising letter. The secret to getting donations is to depict everyone who disagrees with you as the enemy. Then you explain how they're systematically working to destroy everything you hold dear. It's a war of values! Rational discussion is hopeless! Compromise is unthinkable! Our only hope is well-funded antagonism, so we need your money to keep up the fight! How cynically unconstructive. Enmity sells.
+19950708 Happiness 10c. What do you give people for their ten cents? A water balloon in the kisser! You take their money and then soak them with a water balloon?? Right. Whose happiness are we talking about? Who went to all this trouble?!
+19950709 It's another new morning for Mr. Monroe. He glances at the newspaper headlines over a cup of coffee, and gets in his red sports car to go to work. Little does he realize it's his last day on the face of the earth! Calvin drinks the magic elixer and begins an incredible transformation. Instantly he grows! Bigger and bigger! Higher and higher! He is now over 300 feet tall! The formula is a success! Calvin, the mighty giant, goes on a terrible rampage, striking fear into the hearts of the populace! Nothing can stop him! It's panic in the streets! A town lies in ruins! No, I won't buy you any more toy cars. I saw you! You deliberately stomped on those!
+19950710 How tall are you?
+19950711 OK, the map says to turn left at this tree and walk 30 paces. ...29 ...30. What's here? My map shows a big hole. Wouldn't it be faster to make the MAP to conform to the YARD? Are you in some sort of hurry?
+19950712 YOU THINK YOU'RE SO DARN SMART!
+19950713 Art isn't about ideas. It's about style. The most crucial career decision is picking a good "ism" so everyone knows how to categorize you without understanding your work. You do goofy drawings on the sidewalk. Right. I'm a suburban post-modernist. Aren't we all. I was going to be a neo-deconstructivist but Mom wouldn't let me.
+19950714 Times are tough for us suburban post-modernists. How so? Well, people seem to be reluctant to pay for sidewalk drawings that stay where they are and wash away in the rain. And nowadays, nobody wants tax money to support art, and corporates won't underwrite me because I'm not famous enough to advertise their cultural enlightenment. Couldn't you support your art with another job? What, you mean WORK?
+19950715 People always make the mistake of thinking art is created for them. But really, art is a private language for sophisticates to congratulate themselves on their superiority to the rest of the world. As my artist's statement explains, my work is utterly incomprehensible, and is therefore full of deep significance. You misspelled "Weltanschauung". A good artist's statement says more than his art ever does.
+19950716 Hey, mom, are you nervous? No ... why? Calvin, go outside and quit bugging me! Calvin the bug buzzes off! Flying low over the grass, he searches for dead meat! Up and over the flowers, darting this way and that! Oh no! he's caught in a spider web! Thrashing about in a desperate bid for freedom, he only becomes more entangled! Soon the spider will suck out his innards! Help! I was going to join you in the hammock, but I think I'll forget it.
+19950717 Nothing is permanent. Everything changes. That's the one thing we know for sure in this world. But I'm still going to gripe about it.
+19950718 PLOOSH. How can something seem so plausible at the same time so idiotic in retrospect?
+19950719 I refuse to take out the garbage! I have the right to do whatever I want all the time! No you don't. I don't? Well it sure OUGHT to be a right.
+19950720 BU-UURRPPP. THPTHH! PHTBT! THBBPPTT! BU-UURRRPP. What are you doing? I'm hoping there's a mockingbird around.
+19950721 RRIINGG RRINGG. Hello? No, my Dad's not here right now. Will I take a message? I don't know - what's in it for ME? People always assume you're some kind of altruist.
+19950722 Oh, just so you know... I am the downhill tumble and roll champ, king of the toad finders, captain of the high altutude tree branch vista club, second place finisher in the 'round the yard backward dash, premier burper state division, sodbuster and worm scout first order, and generalissimo of the mud ad mayhem society! Busy day? About usual. Want to hear what Hobbes is?
+19950723 Boy, it's quiet around here today! Too quiet! Ha ha! Gotcha! Hey! ... rrrrrr ... squeak. Whoosh! Ha ha! Gotcha back! Hey! Sploosh! A water balloon! That dirty tiger escalated the war! This calls for supreme retaliation! I'll get him with the garden hose! Nothing can beat a hose for sheer volume of water! ... unless, of course, he went so far as to ...
+19950724 People ask why we tolerate a popular culture that celebrates violence and depravity. Because it's entertaining, that's why! If warped values are the price of a vicarious thrill, so be it! Let the business respond to consumer demand! The customer is always right. Shock and titillate me! I've got money!
+19950725 Popular culture isn't to blame for selling twisted values. Movies, records, and TV shows reflect the reality of our times. Artists depict hatred and violence because that's what they see. Why don't they see things of beauty and value? Because boring stuff doesn't sell. Such vision and integrity. There's nothing like a good gunfight to uplift the spirit.
+19950726 Another thing to remember about popular culture is that today's TV-reared audience is hip and sophisticated. This stuff doesn't affect us. We can separate fact from fiction. We understand satire and irony. We're detached and jaded viewers who aren't influenced by what we watch. I think I hear advertisers laughing. Hold on, I need to inflate my basketball shoes.
+19950727 Onward came the meteors!
+19950728 Bugs get on my nerves! The dizzy way they zip around, the high-pitched noise they make, their pesky size... everything about them is annoying! ... said the hyperactive, whiny, small child.
+19950729 I want you to pick up your room today, OK? Do I get paid? No. If I don't get paid, how do I know it's important?! You can trust a monther on that.
+19950730 Go on "three" ok? One ... Two ... Two and a half ... Ready ... Set ... Go! Pit Pat Pit Pat Pit Pat Pit Pat. Pittida Dittida Pittida Dittida. Chooga Chooga Chooga. Eeewyeeowww. Gasp. I can't believe it! No sonic boom! Not even a 'pop'! I heard a pop. But I think it was my lungs.
+19950731 MY water balloon is round and aerodynamic for grim accuracy and certain soaking! YOUR water balloon is long and floppy, impossible to throw the slightest distance! The advantage is clearly mine! Do you surrender?
+19950801 Hey, there's no butter in the butter dish! My toast will get cold while I get another stick from the fridge! HAVEN'T I SUFFERED ENOUGH?? WHERE WILL IT ALL END?!? Mr. and Mrs. Empathy.
+19950802 I'm glad you're getting some exercise. Keep that heart rate up. Dad can take the fun out of ANYthing.
+19950803 I have a hammer! I can put things together! I can knock things apart! I can alter my environment at will and make an incredible din all the while! Ah, it's great to be male!
+19950804 Vampire bugs! Run for your life! They're called mosquitos. So if they drink your blood, you don't turn into one?
+19950805 When a person pauses in mid-sentence to choose a word, that's the best time to jump in and change the subject! It's like an interception in football! You grab the other guy's idea and run the opposite way with it! The more sentences you complete, the higher your score! The idea is to block the other guy's thoughts and express your own! That's how you win! Conversations aren't contests! OK, a point for you, but I'm still ahead.
+19950806 You know, Dad. It disturbs me that this wagon has no seat belts and wouldn't survive a 30 MPH impact with a stationary object. Um ... why do you bring this up? Oh, no reason. Want to help me test the theory of relativity? Sure. The idea is that the faster we go, the slower time goes. Gotcha. It's 10:23. What time is it now? 10:24. Go faster. We're going pretty fast! What time is it? 10:25, time still hasn't stopped. Has time stopped now? No, just my heart. Well, it looks like Einstein's a fraud, wouldn't you say? No, he's right! Look, my watch isn't going at all any more!!
+19950807 Just once I'd like to see you manage this during the school year. YAAAAAAA.
+19950808 Almost everywhere you go, you can hear people, radios and all kinds of engines. When you're actually confronted with the stillness of nature, it's kind of startling. Why, you can even hear yourself think. This is making me nervous. Let's go in.
+19950809 We rely on sight to confirm the existence of things. We don't believe in things we can't see. So how do we know that no-see-ums exist? Verification is ruled out by definition! It's an ontological quandary. Hold still a moment. Ooh, I itch! Glad I could help.
+19950810 Calvin, time to come in! Aww Mom, it's not even dark yet! I didn't say it was. I said it's time to come in. It's a cruel season that makes you get ready for bed while it's light out.
+19950811 Some people are pragmatists, taking things as they come and making the best of the choices available. Some people are idealists, standing for principle and refusing to compromise. And some people just act on any whim that enters their heads. I wonder which YOU are. I pragmatically turn my whims into principles!
+19950812 To help Mom prepare better meals, I'm compiling a book of recipes. I notice that all of them involve deep-fat frying. I'm adding a chocolate syrup section now.
+19950813 Wanna toss the ol' pigskin around? Heck no. Phooey. The center snaps the ball! The quarterback looks for an opening! The defense disintegrates beneath the coming onslaught! The quarterback jumps and dodges! Hobbes breaks clear! Calvin passes! An amazing catch! Hobbes is at the 30 ... the 20 ... the 10 ... but he's tackled from behind and laterals to Calvin so he can make the touchdown! But Calvin fumbles the ball and Hobbes recovers it! But a penalty is called on the play and Hobbes is sent to the bench! Hobbes defects to the other team and is greeted with enthusiastic cheers! The crowd goes wild! Calvin prepares to cripple the traitor with an illegal face mask pull! Hobbes defies him by pouring out of his mouth guard onto Calvin helmet! Boy, you can see why football is such a violent game! Hobbes' team gains a yard! All the cheerleaders come out for smooches!!
+19950814 It's hard to conceal a water balloon.
+19950815 I've got a water balloon hidden under this turban! Pretty ingenious, huh? I'll bet the tower comes in handy. Why?
+19950816 Couldn't I be sedated for this?! Oh, don't I wish.
+19950817 It used to be that if a client wanted something done in a week, it was considered a rush job, and he'd be lucky to get it. Now, with modems, faxes and car phones, everybody wants everything instantly! Improved technology just increases expectations. These machines don't make life easier - they make life more harrassed. Six minutes to microwave this?? Who's got that kind of time?! If we wanted more leisure, we'd invent machines that do things LESS efficiently.
+19950818 Summer is butter on your chin and corn mush between every tooth. It was nice of your parents to let us eat outside.
+19950819 ...ewww... Ah! Ah! CHOO! This food is allergic to me.
+19950820 Gravity is arbitrary! Calvin wakes up one day to find he is immune to the force of gravity. He hangs on to the ground for dear life, but his grip is weakening! He can't hold on! He ... he let's go! Aaaaa. Higher and higher, as upward he falls! Only by grabbing the tail pin of a passing jet does Calvin save himself from being hurled out into space! No, no, let him finish. This is very interesting, so after you landed in Phoenix, what happened? Well, I don't care. I'm not sewing velcro on the outside of all his clothes. Well, about then my gravity came back, so I ...
+19950821 I'm a firefly. I see the flashlight.
+19950822 Do we have any string? Sure. What for? A wick. I'm saving all my ear wax to make a candle. Oh Calvin! BLAUGHH! Could I make a set of crayons?
+19950823 I'm filling out a reader survey for Chewing magazine. See, they asked how much money I spend on gum each week, so I wrote "$500". For my age, I put "43". And when they asked what my favorite flavor is, I wrote "garlic/curry". This magazine should have some amusing ads soon. I love messing with data.
+19950824 Ever notice how people always try to do two things at once? They talk on the phone while they drive, they watch TV while they eat, they listen to music while they work... People never focus on any one thing to enjoy it or do it well. You're breaking my concentration. WE focus on doing nothing at all!
+19950825 I can't believe summer is almost over. Soon school will start. No more freedom, no more long days outside, no more fun. Well, let's go make the most of the time we have left! Nah, I've reserved the rest of the month for moping.
+19950826 Heh heh! If I miss this target, THIS water balloon is reusable! Bad idea.
+19950827 Do you think boogeymen really exist? I don't know. ... but if they do, I'm sure this is where they live. That was the creepiest campfire story I've ever heard. Let's get back to the tent! I don't think I'll ever sleep again. Shh! What? Did you hear something?? Didn't you? I don't know. What did it sound like? Sort of like breathing and drooling and ripping the meat off human bones. Yaahhhh. You were right. I'm glad we carried a generator all this distance.
+19950828 Look! A quarter!! Wow! I'm rich beyond my dreams! I can have anything I want! All my prayers have been answered! Maybe there/s more.
+19950829 I'd build a raft for this pond, but I don't have a place to dock it. I've always said you're a friend without pier. Huh? Nothing. Mm. I guess you're under a lot of pier pressure. Is something wrong with you?!
+19950830 Here's Stinky, the talking sock! Hi, Stinky! Say something to Susie! Hello, you ugly bucket of boogers! That darn "Throw your voice" ad made it sound like everyone would be fooled.
+19950831 There aren't many heroes these days. Who is out there to inspire us with a personal example of virtue and self-sacrifice in the name of a higher good? Who can we look up to? Business leaders? Sports figures? Politicians? Celebrities? Heck, we're lucky if they don't end up in prison! Fortunately, if we can't get inspiration, we'll accept entertainment. As usual, the hero business is up to me.
+19950901 Hello? Mm-hmm... No thank you, I'm not interested. Hmm? ... no, I don't want... mm... as I said, I don't... mm-hmmm... no I... mm... look, I'm not... hmm? DID IT EVER OCCUR TO YOU THAT I HAVE A LIFE BEYOND THIS SALES PITCH AND YOU'RE INTRUDING ON IT?! There would be more civility in this world if people didn't take it as an invitation to walk on you. I'm only civil because I don't know any swear words.
+19950902 Hold it. Wait, I need to... KACHOOO! Wow, this is your best driver's license photo EVER! Until this expires, I will be driving EXACTLY the speed limit!
+19950903 Spaceman Spiff is hit! He's going down! Fortunately, our hero always buckles up! The fearless Spaceman Spiff has crashed on a distant world! The planet's atmosphere is thick with noxious fumes and gases! Our hero can hardly breathe. Spiff must find help quickly ... but is there any life on this hostile world? His question is answered when a hideous blob of of gelatinous muck oozes out of a crevice toward him! Spiff's blaster is useless against the slime! Our hero tries to escape, but the suffocating stench envelops him! What a disgusting fate! Yechh! I sure wish I'd brought my lunch today! That's gross, Calvin! If you don't like the cafeteria's tapioca, just leave it alone!
+19950904 Hobbes is allowed to eat at the table with me tonight? And we get to eat early and have grilled cheese sandwiches? This is more like it! Boy, you look nice. Thank you. ...uh-oh. Dibs on the French fries.
+19950905 Calvin, if you run these stockings...! Dear, grab him! NO! NO! NOT ROSALYN! AAAAAAAAAAA! HELP! DON'T LEAVE ME!! ... and the neighbors' numbers are (pull a leg, will you?) by the phone. I told you my rates doubled, right?
+19950906 OK Calvin, listen up. Aaa! No! I'm not going to bed! You can't make me! You and I are going to make a deal. A deal?! What kind of deal?? I'm not making any deal! You don't give me ANY trouble tonight, and we'll play a game. What's the game? "Kill the kid"?! No way! Plus, you get to stay up half an hour past your bedtime. Notice how obediently I'm sitting here.
+19950907 So what's the game I get to play if I'm good? You decide. Pick your favorite game. Is this a trick? Can we really play my favorite game?? Sure, why not? What is it? CALVINBALL!! CALVINball?? Get out the time-fracture wickets, Hobbes! We're gonna play Calvinball! What the heck is Calvinball?
+19950908 And if I do all my homework, we get to stay up an extra half hour to play Calvinball! Oh boy! Here, you can double-check my math problems while I start on my history. We've got to get this done. You finished your math?? We're here to have a nice time. Try not to think about all the trouble Calvin's getting into. Did you hear that?? It sounded like another sier.
+19950909 I finished all my homework, just like you said to, Rosalyn. Great. are you ready to play your game then? First we need to make you a mask. A mask? what for? When you play Calvinball, you wear a mask. Why? Sorry, no one's allowed to question the masks. This sounds like a great game.
+19950910 Don't turn out the light Dad! You didn't check under the bed for monsters! I'm sure there are no monsters under your bed, go to sleep. Good night. Good-bye. Any monsters under my bed tonight? There's no answer. Do you think they're gone? Maybe they're just staying queit. Keep watch over the side of the bed. Boy, am I full! I must've gained ten pounds today! Maybe I'm getting a little plump! You're bigger, Calvin, but there's no fat on you! I guess you're right. I'm getting big, but I'm still nice and lean! Ugh. Something under the bed is drooling. Start tying the sheets together. We'll go out the window.
+19950911 Other kids' games are all such a bore! They've got to have rules and they gotta keep score! Calvinball is better by far! It's never the same! It's always bizarre! You don't need a team or a referree! You know that it's great, 'cause it's named after me! If you wanna.... Uh, feel free to harmonize with Hobbes on the rumma tum tums. This was a mistake.
+19950912 I've got the Calvinball! Everybody else has to go in slow motion now! Wait a minute, Calvin. I don't... You have to TALK in slow motion liiike thisss. Thiisss gaaaame maaakes noooo sennnse! It'ssss aasss iffff you'rrrre maaakinnnggg iiiiit uuuup aaas youuu gooo. Hobbes! She stumbled into the perimeter of wisdom! Run!! OH...
+19950913 If I'm in the perimeter of wisdom, then I get to make a decree. A decree? Um... OK. I decree that you have to catch a water balloon that I throw high in the air. Oh NO! Man, she picked up the nuances of this game FAST! Ha! This IS fun!
+19950914 OK Calvin, you have to catch the water balloon! AAA! Ha, I'm in the corollary zone! If I catch the balloon, the thrower has to bend over and hold still! WHAT?! I CAUGHT IT!! HA HA HA HA! Oh this is going to be SWEET! I'm taking Hobbes prisoner!
+19950915 Hobbes! Don't guard Rosalyn! I'm going to get her with this balloon! The tiger is my prisoner! I guess I'll just have to soak you BOTH then! Ha ha ha! Sorry, Calvin, I touched you with the babysitter flag. The babysitter flag?? What's that? It means you must obey the babysitter. ...who says it's a half-hour past your bedtime now. Let's go in. Awwwww! Darn babysitter flag.
+19950916 Our house is still standing. That's a good sign. We're home! Is everything OK? Fine. Calvin did his homework, then we played a game, and Calvin went to bed. It's awfully late for jokes, Rosalyn. I've noticed that when we play games with girls, you get captured a lot. Some of us are just irresistable.
+19950917 Quit squirming, Calvin. You've got ice cream all over your shirt. Rats, I was saving it for later. Thanks for the ice cream, Dad. It was great. You're welcome. I'm tired of pulling you. It's my turn to ride. Your Dad didn't get me any ice cream, so I get to ride both ways. No, you don't! Dad said tigers don't like ice cream! It's my turn to ride! Tigers don't know if they like ice cream until they try every kind. I'm not pulling. I've got news, fuzz brain. I'm not pulling either! Well, then, I guess we'll both just sit here until we die. Why do these "walks" always end up as "rides"? oh, you need the exercise more anyway.
+19950918 Wake up! It's time to get ready for school. Just checking. I'm glad you're up and dressed. That should throw her off the trail for a while.
+19950919 For show and tell, I brought a little toy airplane. It's sort of ordinary, I suppose. But I like to have it around. It reminds me that as soon as I save a little more money, I'll buy a ticket and put so much distance between you chumps and me, it will boggle your minds. It's not an "attitude". It's a fact.
+19950920 "Original flavor" ... wait, here's "Less sodium", and here's "Lite", and here's "Less fat". What if I wanted less fat AND less salt? What distinguishes "Lite" from these others? Does the "Original flavor" package imply that the others taste different? Frankly, my life was plenty complicated BEFORE the potato chips.
+19950921 Look at all this peanut butter! There must be three sizes of five brands of four consistencies! Who demands this much choice?? I know! I'll quite my job and devote my life to choosing peanut butter! Is "chunky" chunky enough, or do I need "EXTRA chunky"? I'll compare ingredients! I'll compare brands! I'll compare sizes and prices! Maybe I'll drive around and see what OTHER stores have! So much selection and so little time! I think YOU should do the shopping. Did the manager have to talk to you again? Hey, where's the peanut butter?!
+19950922 Ook ook ee! Ooh! Ook. In humor, timing is everything.
+19950923 I like cereal to crackle and pop when I put milk on it. See? Very entertaining. I've never seen raisin bran do that. I put in an alka-seltzer.
+19950924 I'm hungry, when's lunch? Right now. Hi, Susie! Oh look, you've got your stuffed tiger! Can I squeeze him? What are you crazy? Hobbes is a ferocious man-eating jungle beast! Ferocious? He looks fuzzy and cuddly to me! Ha! Beneath that soft exterior lie terrible mandibles of bone crushing death! He'll grind you into hamburger! Each mighty paw hides razor-sharp claws to rip the living hide off any human that wanders too close! He's a monster! No, he's not. He's a big cutie. Oh no! I can't look!! ... so what happened to the mandibles of death. You sissy furball?!? I was beguiled by her feminine charms. Yow. Go soak your head.
+19950925 I need your help, Hobbes. What's the problem? The teacher said my book report was terrible and I need to do it over. Really?? Obviously, I need a cooler letterhead logo. I'll add more lance-toting tigers around the Calvin shield.
+19950926 I hear we're having a fire drill today. Right. Wow! How exciting! I can't wait! Do you know what to do? You bet! When do they pass out the gasoline?
+19950927 And so, after a three minute downpour, he became ludicrously attired for the rest of the day.
+19950928 Not everyone can get a foll isometric workout by just yawning.
+19950929 I wish school would disappear forever, right now! To make a bad day worse, spend it wishing for the impossible.
+19950930 Uh oh, I feel a sneeze coming on. Aaa! No tissue! No hanky! I... ah.. ah.. ah.. KACHOO! Of my limited options, this was probably the worst.
+19951001 Were there dinosaurs when you were a kid, dad? Oh sure! Your grandfather and I used to put on our leopard skins and hunt Brontosaurus for all the clan rituals. Listen, buster, I think Calvin's grades are bad enough already, don't you? The horrifying Tyrannosaurus lumbers across the prehistoric valley. The mighty dinosaur is a walking death machine! Only one other creature dares to challenge the terrible Tyrannosaurus! ... the savage Saber-Toothed Tiger! Gg mmf yow gzzzz mkn gbzz, yow. Wake up! The meek Tyrannosaurus victim of an innocent misunderstanding, tears like heck across the prehistoric valley.
+19951002 Boy, I hate school assignments! Miss Wormwood is out to destroy my life! What do you have to do? Make a leaf collection! What a dumb waste of time! How many leaves do you need? 50! I gotta collect 50 leaves! And just when I thought of a loophole, the teacher said every leaf has to be a different kind. She's got your number.
+19951003 When do you need to present your leaf collection? In two weeks. That's not so bad. You just need three or four leaves a day. I'm not working on weekends. OK, five leaves a day. And my weekdays are booked until next Thursday at 6pm! So you need 50 leaves an hour. See? It's impossible!
+19951004 Here's a nice leaf! Do you want it for your collection? No. Why not? It's a beautiful afternoon! I'm not going to waste it doing ridiculous busywork for school! But this would be one less leaf you'd need to collect later. Yeah, but it's one MORE leaf than I need right now. Somehone, it's always right now until it's later. Whatever THAT means.
+19951005 Hi, Calvin. Have you started your leaf collection yet? I've been visualizing the conceptualisation process. That's the hard part. I'M almost done. Isn't it fun? It's like a treasure hunt! A treasure hunt?!? Are you crazy?? This is a stupid, boring, time-wasting forced assignment! This isn't fun! "When life gives you a lemon, make a lemonade." I say, when life gives you a lemon, wing it right back and add some lemons of your own!
+19951006 Our leaf collections aren't due for a week yet! How could you possibly be almost done?! I make it a game. I pretend it's a contest to see how many leaves I can find each day. That way, it's not an assignment, it's fun! Did you know that's one of the ten warning signs of hopeless dweebism? I'll bet another sign is moving to the next grade each year.
+19951007 The teacher reminded us that we only have a week left to finish our leaf collections, so we ought to be half done now. You haven't even started. Yeah, but I work better under pressure. Actually, you work ONLY under pressure. That way, the work time is more miserable, but there's less of it.
+19951008 Now where did all the bed pillows go? This is gonna be soft! Krunch! Hey, Hobbes! C'mon and jump in the leaves! It's fun! I don't know sometimes slugs hide under leaves. No they don't. Do they? Slugs? Ugh, just imagine one of those slimy muckballs slipping up your pant leg! There might be dozens in there! There might? Aack ick ooh yecch! That's the problem with nature. Something's always stinging you or oozing mucous on you. Let's go watch TV. Is it 3 o'clock yet? We can watch "The Blob"!
+19951009 Mom, I need to collect leaves for a school project. Could we go to the arboretum sometime? Sure. How about this weekend? Um, it would be better to do it a little sooner. When is this due? Well, my notebook's in the car and the park closes in 20 minutes. Calvin, I'm fixing dinner!
+19951010 My leaf collection is doomed! I can't believe Mom wouldn't take me to the arboretum. No wonder I get bad grades! Well, you did spring the idea on her at the last second... That's when I thought of it! The problem is that Mom's not flexible. What a stupid waste of time this is! I wish there was some way out of this assignment.
+19951011 A UFO!! Take us to the Supreme Earthling Potentate. Um... well... Speaking. Ah! What luck. It was I who chose the landing site. Kudos for Navigator Nebular!
+19951012 So, uh, what can I do for you? We are taking over your world. You are?? What for?? Earth is prime real estate. Location, location, location. I guess I'd never thought about that. Charm, atmosphere, quiet galaxy... Actually the atmosphere needs cleaning. A good fixer upper.
+19951013 As Supreme Earthling Potentate, I'm afraid I can't let you just come in and take over the planet. You make this difficult. Prepare for war. Let's not be hasty. I'll trade you Earth for 50 alien tree leaves. Pst! These primitive fools must use leaves as currncy! It's a deal! I need them by 8:00 tonight, and they have to be properly identified and labeled. Hurry, Nebular! At light speed, we can just make it! our leader will be most pleased.
+19951014 You're trading the Earth for 50 alien tree leaves?! I'll have the coolest project in the class! And best of all, we don't need to waste any more time on this! The aliens are doing all the work! We can goof off the rest of the day! But then the aliens take over the Earth. Well it's not like the grownups have done such a bang-up job.
+19951015 ... so if you capture the other guy's flag and make it back to your territory, you win. Win what? The game. No luggage? No toaster oven? Hey, you can't hide your flag in a tree! It's too hard to capture! That's not a rule. I can hide my flag anywhere! Well, it's a rule now! From now on, no flags in trees! Ok, but I just tagged you, so you have to go to jail. What?? It's a time out! I was making a new rule! You didn't officially call a time out. Off to jail with you! Forget it! From now on, if you are discussing a new rule, it's automatically a time out. Ok, time in! Tag! You can't do that! We have to say "time in" together! Since when?? You're just changing rules so you'll win! I am not! I'm just trying to keep you from cheating! Just a minute. Muffin head. Are you calling me a cheater? Who's a muffin head! Yowp! Arrgh! Oatmeal face! Strudel brain! Mom says we should take up Monopoly. No way, buster. I know all about those "interest free bank loans" to yourself!
+19951016 Hey, no TV until your leaf collection is done. It's getting done as we speak. What's that supposed to mean? Let's see it. I can't show you until later tonight. Why not? You should probably sit down. man, she didn't even want to HEAR about it.
+19951017 It's almost bedtime and the aliens haven't come back with the leaves. It's a long trip. What if they don't show up? They SAID they would. Maybe they got lost. Space aliens don't get lost! They've got superior technology! Everybody knows that! It's a big universe. I'll turn on some more lights.
+19951018 The aliens still haven't shown up! What are we going to do?? I've got to turn in my leaf collection tomorrow! I'll bet those dumb aliens got back to their planet and procrastinated! I'll bet they have no respect for deadlines! I'll bet they put everything off and are doing a lousy job at the last second! How could anyone be so irresponsible? If they're not here in five minutes, I'm not handing over the Earth! They've got to learn a lesson!
+19951019 Look! I see headlights coming over the trees! The aliens are back! Man, it's about time! C'mon, let's go get my leaf collection! You're out collecting LEAVES at THIS hour in your PAJAMAS?!? Get back in bed!! I TOLD you! Space aliens gave me these! They just left!
+19951020 Boy, you look tired. I'll bet you were up late doing your leaf collection. Maybe, but I'VE got the best collection of all! MY leaves are from another planet! What?! See how bizarre they are? The labels are even written in an alien language! Look at their cool alphabet! It looks like you took 50 maple leaves and cut them into weird shapes. Aliens now own the Earth and I told them girls make good zoo exhibits.
+19951021 The teacher didn't believe my leaves were from an alien planet. She said it was obvious I did the whole thing last night and I made a mockery of the assignment. Well, she'll be sorry when the aliens send her to the plutonium mines. She just won't admit it was a pointless project. Who cares about leaves?! What useless knowledge! I believe that's poison sumac you're holding. This?? What makes you say that?
+19951022 Enemy sighted! Battle stations! Battle stations! Alert! Ahwooga! Here's the mighty aircraft carrier! Equipped with the latest radar and firepower. It is virtually unsinkable! I know what can sink it. Yeah? What? A cannonball depth charge!! Oh no! Pfoom! Ha ha! That was great! You emptied the whole tub! Turn on the water and let's do it again! We seem to have a waterfall down the stairway dear. I'll go see what your kid is doing. My did?!? C'mere and let me explain something to you ...
+19951023 No text
+19951024 He's at the 30... the 20... Calvin's going for the touchdown! WAAA thwangg. You're supposed to TACKLE me! I dunno... that seems so lowbrow.
+19951025 You know, school wouldn't be so bad if you didn't have to go every day. ... and if you didn't have to learn anything... and if you took away all the teachers and all the other kids. If it was completely different, school would be great. A lot of things are like that. Nobody asks me how things ought to be. I've got tons of ideas!
+19951026 Yes, Calvin? Hey kids, on tomorrow's show and tell, I'll be bringing a big surprise! Will it shock you and amaze you... OR will it disgust and terrify you?? Find out tomorrow when I reveal my next SHOW AND TELL HORROR! Don't miss it! Returning to the LESSON.... That's called a teaser, by the way.
+19951027 In the future, everything will be effortless. Computers will take care of every task. We'll just point to what we want done and click. We'll never need to leave the climate-controlled comfort of our homes! No nuisance, no wasted time, no annoying human interaction... ...no life. Life is too inconvenient.
+19951028 You're going to juggle eggs? It's a metaphor for life, Hobbes. Each egg represents one of life's concerns and the goal is to give each the appropriate amount of individual attention while simultaneously watching and guiding all the others. Life is about balance and staying quick and alert as everything threatens to spin out of control! And sometimes we make a big mess of things. But the important thing is persistence.
+19951029 Bang! Kapwinngg! Bang bang! You missed! You missed! There he goes! After him boys! Giddyap! Giddyap! Ambush! Bang! Bang! Yow! Whoop! Bang! Gotcha! Noyadidnt! Noyadidnt! Calvin, will you please stop tearing around the house?! You're driving me crazy! You said we couldn't go outside because it's raining. Boy, that sure worked. We're not allowed back in until when?
+19951030 *KHHKHKT* Boy genius to fanged terror, come in! Do you read me? Over! *KHKKHHKT* I'LL take the walkie-talkie. YOU take the test. Ixsay inusmay ourfay! Urryhay!
+19951031 Trick or treat! Where's your costume? What are you supposed to be? I'm yet another resource-consuming kid in an overpopulated planet, raised to an alarming extent by Madison Avenue and Hollywood, poised with my cynical and alienated peers to take over the world when you're old and weak! Am I scary, or waht?
+19951101 Bok whiff whaff fiff foof I can't help but wonder what kind of desperate straits would drive a man to invent this thing.
+19951102 Look! Geese flying south for the winter. Twice a year they migrate thousands of miles across the continent in an exhausting, eternal struggle to fulfill nature's unyielding demands. I'll bet that gets old real fast. You don't see ME keeping a summer home.
+19951103 Why isn't my life like this situation comedy? Why don't I have a bunch of friends with nothing to do but drop by and instigate wacky adventures? Why aren't my conversations peppered with spontaneous witticisms? Why don't my friends demonstrate heartfelt concern for my well-being when I have problems? Why don't you know any gorgeous babes? I gotta get my life some writers.
+19951104 Know what's weird? Day by day nothing seems to change, but pretty soon, everything is different. You just go about your business and one day you realize you're not the same person you used to be. People change whether they decide to or not! Thank heaven for small favors. For example, I used to be more tolerant of oblique aspersions.
+19951105 Zip zop Zip zop Zip zop Zip zop Zip zop Zip zop. Snow pants. Well? Let's have some snow!! It's snowing! I can make it snow! I'm psychokinetic! Hey! Hey! Ohh, he's going to hate me for this.
+19951106 I wonder how long it's been since I last looked at the clock. Maybe it's been an hour. Well, actually it's probably been only 40 minutes. I'll guess half an hour to be safe. 20 seconds?!? It's going to be a very bad day. Calvin, sit up.
+19951107 I'M IN A VERY CRABBY MOOD, SO EVERYBODY JUST LEAVE ME ALONE! I HATE EVERYONE!! Nobody recognizes my hints to smother me with affection.
+19951108 As a genius, it's important that I write a lot of letters. After all, my correspondence will be the basic resource material for historians to reconstruct my life. My writing will provide countless fascinating insights for biographers. Such as how all your salutations begin, "Hey boogerbrain". It's been three weeks and I still haven't received my X-Ray glasses!
+19951109 Yikes! Not another extreme close-up on somebody's anguish and grief! Why do TV cameras zoom in so close to people's faces that you can't even see their entire heads?! Do they think we can't read the person's expression from more than two inches away?! What a violation of personal space! What a shameless intrusion! What a heartless assault on human dignity! Why are you standing against the wall? I'm watching TV.
+19951110 AUGHH! THIS STUPID TOASTER BURNED MY TOAST!! Look at this! My toast is charred to a black cinder! I can't eat this! It's ruined! RUINED!! So stick in another piece of bread and watch it this time. Are you suggesting that this appliance didn't aggravate me with malice aforethought?!
+19951111 I keep having the same weird dream every night. If it's the same dream, it must MEAN something. I think it means the fall season flopped and my subconscious went into reruns.
+19951112 Can Hobbes and I come in the store with you, Dad? No, you stay in the car. Sheesh. Knock over one lousy display stand, and pay for it the rest of your life. I'll just be a minute. Wait here. Ok. Let's hide and give Dad a scare! Maybe he'll think we ran away! Lie down and I'll pull this blanket over us. Then put this bag on top. Hee hee! I hear him coming! Sshhh! Hee hee! Gee, I wonder where Calvin went! And his tiger's gone too! Now's my chance to get away before they get back! Won't Mom be glad when she hears I lost htem! Mom won't be glad at all, you sicko! Sorry to spoil your getaway! What? You're here?? Oh rats ... I mean, good!
+19951113 Brrr, it's freezing out there! I don't want to leave my nice warm bed. On days like this, I wish Mom would come in, lay an extra blanket over me, pat my head, and as I sink into the pillow under the weight of the covers, she'd say... HEY, LET'S MOVE IT!! THIS IS THE THIRD TIME I'VE CALLED YOU! YOU'RE GOING TO MISS THE BUS! LET'S GO!! These mornings are going to kill me.
+19951114 The pace of modern life is all wrong. It makes every day an ordeal. Everybody's exhausted, stressed out, and short-tempered! Look at me! Why am I waiting for a bus at this horrible hour?! It's unnatural and unhealthy! We should EASE into the day! You know, read the paper, have some hot cocoa, go for a leisurely walk and get our thoughts together... So now it's mid-afternoon. Right. Time to kick back for a little siesta and plan dinner.
+19951115 I want the last piece of pie! Don't divide it up! Give it all to ME! Don't be selfish, Calvin. So the real message here is "be dishonest"?
+19951116 Ugghh... manicotti! Gross! Shlooop. AIEE! MY INTESTINES JUST BURST THROUGH MY STOMACH WALL! AAAA!! I should get some more and see if I can get out of math class.
+19951117 This is a photograph of me when I was two. It's strange. I KNOW that's me, but I don't feel any connection to this image. Everything is so different now. Isn't it weird that one's own past can seem unreal? This is like looking at a picture of somebody else. Say, a slobbering nudist with legs like link sausages. You know, now I can't STAND to wad a soggy blanket in my mouth.
+19951118 Here's a picture of me when I was three. Look at that smile! Ahh, the arrogance of youth! I thought I knew everything when I was three. And you expwethed aww that knowwedge wike thith. Now, a lifetime of experience has left me bitter and cynical.
+19951119 A brilliant bolt of deadly frap ray blazes by the intrepid Spaceman Spiff! Our hero has very high insurance premiums. The courageous Spaceman Spiff is hit! He plummets toward planet Zog! Breaking through the cloud layer, he careens over an alien city! There's no place to land! Spiff wrestles the uncooperative controls! More freem drive to the thuster busters! Too much stress! The fuel explodes in flame! The situation is grim! Ten seconds to impact! Nine ... eight ... Well Calvin?? Seven! Very good Calvin. Ten minus three equals seven. I didn't think you were paying attention. That question was worth three points. Our hero miraculously makes a three-point landing. Spiff saves the day again!
+19951120 I'm gonna pound you at recess, Twinky. Why?? It's no contest! You've got the entire advantage! What could you possibly get out of pounding someone completely defenseless! It's fun. Oh, he's a sportsman.
+19951121 Hello? Hi Mom, it's Calvin. Is something wrong? You're supposed to be in school! It's recess. I'm fine. Then why are you calling me? Actually, I'm calling Hobbes. Would you put him on? I gotta get my own secretary.
+19951122 Ooh, it's cold today! It needs to be 30 degrees warmer out here! For that matter, it's also too quiet. We need some background music. And it's too slow! Things should happen more quickly! If only being outside were more like driving a car. Yeah, I could be sitting down now too.
+19951123 Calvin, will you gather the trash, please? Why should I? What do I get in return?! We will feed, clothe, shelter, and educate you throughout your entire youth. I really hate having things put in perspective.
+19951124 How could anyone wear out shoes so fast? I lead a rugged life.
+19951125 I wish it would snow! I know when I'm being mocked.
+19951126 I'm ready for bed, Dad. What's tonight's story going to be? Here's one, "Readings on Dialectical Metaphysics." You'll love it. Forget it Dad. You can't get me to drop off that easy. Will you read us this story? Hobbes wrote it himself. Hobbes wrote it, huh? "Goldilocks and the three tigers." Oh boy, this is gonna be great! "Once upon a time there lived a young girl named Goldilocks. She went into the forest and saw a cottage. No one was home so she went in. Inside she saw three bowls of porridge. A big bowl, a medium bowl, and a small bowl. She was just about to taste the porridge when the three tigers came home. They quickly divided Goldilocks into big, medium, and small pieces and dunked them in the porridge that ..." Calvin, I'm not going to finish this! This is disgusting!! I don't know why I let you talk to me into this. Good night! Click. He didn't even look at our illustrations. Now I'm all hungry.
+19951127 People keep talking about opening more wilderness for development. We seem to understand the value of oil, timber, minerals and housing, but not the value of unspoiled beauty, wildlife, solitude, and spiritual renewal. We need to start putting prices on the priceless. Yeah, if your woods are worth a zillion jillion bagillion, think what Alaska is worth.
+19951128 It's freezing in here!! Why can't we crank up the thermostat?! Consuming less fuel is better for the economy and it saves money. Oh. ...and being cold builds character. I KNEW IT!!
+19951129 These are interesting times. We don't trust the government, we don't trust the legal system, we don't trust the media, and we don't trust each other! We've undermined all authority, and with it, the basis for replacing it! "Interesting" is a mild way of putting it. It's like a six-year-old's dream come true!
+19951130 You're lisening to "Boomer 102" classic rock - where we promise not to expose you to anything you haven't heard a million times before! We'll get right back to more hits from those high school days when your world stopped... but first, here's our critic to review the latest movie based on a '60s or '70s TV show! What's THAT look supposed to mean?
+19951201 Ever notice how many conversations revolve around TV shows and movies? Our common references are events that never happened and people we'll never meet! We know more about celebrities and fictional characters than we know about our neighbors! That must be why new houses aren't built with big front porches any more. I can't believe Dad won't let me have a TV in my own room.
+19951202 I like the sound of sleet hitting the window panes at night. And I like when the sleet turns to heavy snow as it gets colder, so you know that tomorrow the world will be buried in ice and snow! It's one of the few pleasures reserved for those who don't drive.
+19951203 I spelled "Be" how many points do I get? Um ... 2 points. 2 points?! Is that @*#%! all?? My, this game does teach new words! See, I spelled "zygomorphic" on a triple word score box. That's 150 points. All I've got is consonants. Your turn. Well, if I use your letter "I" I can spell "in". That's 3 points. I pick out some new letters ... hmm ... with your "n", I can spell "nucleoplasm" that's, lets see, 40 points. All I've got is consonants. I'm not going to play this stupid game! I hate it!! What a waste of time! What should we play instead? Let's play poker. At least with cards you have half a chance. Ok, I bet a nickel. I'll see you ... and raise you 8 dollars.
+19951204 I KNEW I should've thrown than snowball sooner!
+19951205 Dear Santa, Hi, It's me, Calvin. I have been extremely good* this year. Obviously, you're hoping Santa won't read the long, fine print disclosure in the footnote. I got the idea from car ads.
+19951206 Dear Santa, This year, please bear in mind that I should be presumed innocent until proven guilty. Also, I would encourage you to interpret "reasonable doubt" as broadly as possible. That's probably a bad way to start.
+19951207 Do you think there's an evil Santa? An EVIL Santa?? Yeah, like Santa's deranged twin brother, or something! He'd make toys for all the BAD girls and boys! Evil Santa would give all the dangerous, annoying, and corrupting toys your parents won't allow! And if you're good? He punishes you with shirts and underwear.
+19951208 Dear Santa, Before I submit my life to your moral scrutiny, I demand to know who made YOU the master of my fate?! Who are YOU to question my behavior, huh??? What gives you the right?! Santa makes the toys, so he gets to decide who to give them to. Oh. Time to prepare my appelate case.
+19951209 I see you, Calvin, and you'd better not throw that snowball! I'm mailing a letter to Santa right now! Is the envelope already sealed? Yes, but I could write a P.S. on the back. Do you have a pen? As a matter of fact, I do. I'll bet she's bluffing but this isn't the time of year to tempt fate.
+19951210 Run! Aiee! Look out! I wonder why Japanese people keep moving their moths after they're through talking. Somewhere in the Pacific Ocean ... an undersea nuclear explosion awakens a giant prehistoric monster! It makes its way to the coast of Japan and emerges! Yaarghhh. He heads for the power lines, leaving a trail of destruction behind. Calvin, get back in the tub! You're making a mess! His ancient arch-rival Megalon! He spews a mighty fireball! Aauughh! Tokyo is in ruins! Megalon vanquished! He returns to the sea from whence he came! No more afternoon TV movies for you! ... Ever!!
+19951211 There's a tree! Hit the brakes! Trees ARE my brakes.
+19951212 I have 200 snowballs! I am utterly invincible! I can act with total impunity! I can do whatever I want! So just hang on while I decide what that is!
+19951213 With 200 snowballs at my immediate disposal, I have no opposition! My will is law! I am omnipotent! How boring.
+19951214 In the SHORT term, it would make me happy to go play outside. In the LONG term, it would make me happier to do well at school and become successful. But in the VERY long term, I know which will make better memories.
+19951215 First she says go out. Now she says come in.
+19951216 Ha! What a rotten snowman! That's the worst snowman I've ever seen! So go build a better one! Maybe I will! You're back? MY words speak louder than actions.
+19951217 Toboggans give better rides than runner sleds. Why is that? There's no way to steer. On these cloudy winter days, sometimes I like to lie back on my sled and look at the sky. It's just gray and silent. No birds singing or bugs buzzing. Everything is muffled by the snow. Imagine what it would be like without any people or houses around. It would be perfectly still. Pretty neat huh? Yes, very peaceful. I hate all that silence.
+19951218 The Christmas season is always a time for personal reflection. Too often, we don't examine our lives. This is a time to take stock and think about what's important. It's a time to rededicate oneself to frenzied acquisition... a time to spread the joy of material wealth... a time to glorify personal excess of every kind! Earthly rewards make consumerism a popular religion. ...a time to atone for one's frugality!
+19951219 Oh boy, look at all the snow! It must be six inches deep! This will be perfect for sledding or... DING DONG DING DONG DING DONG All right! I'm coming! I'm coming! What the heck is wrong with this planet you sold us?!
+19951220 Galaxoid and nebular! This cold white glop covers us and freezes our innards! It's snow. You'd better get used to it, 'cause we get it every winter. You did not tell us that this planet's axis would tilt away from the sun. You didn't ask. We paid 50 leaves for this planet! You greatly overcharged us! Yeah well, "let the buyer beware." You are a most dishonorable potentate! We demand you bring this planet up to code!
+19951221 Who's at the door, Calvin? AAHH! Um.. uh.. girl scouts! Do we want any cookies? Girl scouts? Cookies? It seems early, but sure, let me get my purse. Oh no! Scram, you guys! Not until you fix the climate! I'll see what I can do. Do not trifle with us, Earth leader! Where are the girl scouts? They suddenly had to go earn a merit badge. Quick, where's Hobbes?
+19951222 The aliens didn't know about winter? They claim I sold them a planet with a faulty axis. What should I do? Offer a refund. Give back their leaf collection. Arrggh! I threw it away when it got such a bad grade! Hmm... well, we should at least help them stay warm then. But what could they wear? They don't even have arms! ... they need huge socks or something. HEY! NO! Bad idea! Bad idea!
+19951223 Ooh, this is toasty! Thank you, Earth leader! That's my Christmas stocking! They're going away with our stockings! Santa can't fill 'em with loot! I'm sure Santa knows we did a nice thing and he'll work it all out. Hey yeah, I did something GOOD! We're talking jackpot! We're talking multiple trips from the pole to haul it all! Your selflessness is the hope of the season.
+19951224 What a day! And no one to share it with! Woo hoo hoo. It's cold out there today! Brrrr! Brisk! Just the way I like it! Wow! Sniff. Ha! Weather like this lets you know you're alive! C'mon out gang! It's a perfect day! You'll get used to the wind if you keep moving! Hey, C'mon! are you guys just going to stay inside all day?!? Shut the dumb door!! Ok, ok! I was on my way back outside anyway! ... sheesh ... there's one in every house. Just how long did you know Dad before you married him?
+19951225 You say my present from you is outside? It's over here. A pile of ready-made snowballs! I wanted to give you something practical. You're the best, Hobbes, ol' buddy! Thanks! Merry Christmas. I suppose it would be wrong to throw these at YOU... I made my own pile, just in case.
+19951226 What's this? A generic snowman. I used to make original snowmen, but it was time-consuming, hard work, so I said, heck, this is crazy! Now I crank out crude imitations of what's already popular! It takes no time or thought, and most people don't care about the difference anyway! So cynical, yet so practical. And what good is originality if you can't crack it out?
+19951227 The new issue of chewing tells how to stay in top chewing condition over winter! What's so hard about that? You can chew gum all year. We serious chewers need a lot more than strong jaw muscles, you know! To chew hour after hour, we need a total cross-training fitness regime! So the idea is to increase the amount of this hobby you can endure. Right. When you're good at it, it's really miserable.
+19951228 Sometimes at night I worry about things and then I can't fall asleep. In the dark, it's easier to imagine awful possibilities that you'd never be prepared for. And it's hard to feel couragious in loose-fitting, drowsy bear jammies. That's why tigers sleep in the buff!
+19951229 See my snowman? He's enjoying the snow cone! There's nothing he likes better! And the snowman with the ice cream scoop in his back? It's a sordid story.
+19951230 Are you making any resolutions for the new year? Yeah, I'm resolving to just wing it and see what happens. So you're staying the course? I stick to my strengths.
+19951231 Wow, it really snowed last night! Isn't it wonderful? Everything familiar has disappeared! The world looks brand new! A new year... a fresh, clean start! It's like having a big white sheet of paper to draw on! A day full of possibilities! It's a magical world, Hobbes, ol'd buddy... ...let's go exploring!